Our Lives, And Why We Don't Want Them Any More
Chapter one: Shadow Laughter
The Story Of A Shadow
(This story is set over 1000 years in Equestria's past)
(Excerpt from Shadow's diary)
Hey there. I'm Shadow, Shadow Laughter. Things aren't so good for me just now, and I've been feeling really confused. I'm hoping that getting my thoughts down on this paper will help clear everything up.
It's about my cutie mark. Or rather, about me not having a cutie mark. I just don't get it, all the foals in my class have theirs already. It's not that I'm stupid, I know it's supposed to be something you're good at, but I'm not really good at anything.
In English class, we write stories. I don't understand why I fail this class. I use nouns, verbs, adjectives, pronouns, auxillary verbs, metaphors, similies, grammar, punctuation, and all kinds of things. But the teacher always says: "Shadow! As good as your stories are, you need to write about happy things. Try and find a good ending to all this plot you've set up." I don't understand, because not every story has to have a happy ending. That's just life.
In math, we do sums. I don't understand why I fail this class. I know how to add, subtract, divide, multiply, factorise, expand, count, use integers, indicies, all of that. But my teacher always tells me: "Shadow! You need to show your working out when you do these questions. The answer is right, but you need to show me how you got there, otherwise I can't give you full marks." I don't understand, because not everypony goes through a billion boring processes before they find the answer. Sometimes it just comes to them.
In science class, we get taught about the world and the ways magic and things affect it. Now, I'm just an Earth pony, so I don't think I need to learn all this stuff. It doesn't make sense to learn about magic if you'll never be able to use it. The teacher tries to explain, but I can never pay attention for more than a few seconds. I just don't understand it. What's the point of learning something you'll never use?
In social studies, we learn about Equestrian history and finance and modern history and things like that. I always fail, and I don't know why. History has a point, yes, and it can provide work for some ponies. But I don't want to be a historian. So why do I have to learn it? When we do finance, we have to look at real ponies' incomes and try and figure out what they should spend it on. I don't like this, because these ponies always have enough money to support themselves. But in truth, not everypony does. It's like they're trying to blindside us for when we're older. If we can't see the problem, how can we fix it?
We also do PE. This is the worst class, because they group Earth ponies separately because we're stronger. Now, while I'd be stronger than a unicorn, or a pegasus, I'm not very strong for an Earth pony. And so I always get teased and pushed around. I don't like to talk about it.
And after looking at all this, it seems like I'm not good at anything. In my situation, most ponies would just go and get a hobby. But I've tried, again and again! I've snuck into every foal's clubhouse in Canterlot, and then some! I've been to every recreation centre, every arts competition, every poetry reading, every sports club, and I just didn't find that special thing for me.
It seems hopeless. I only have one friend, and even she can't seem to find the time for me because she's hugely popular! They say she's going to be the Princess someday. She just got her cutie mark, and it's actually for raising the sun.
So I guess I can't really expect her to hang out with me any more. She does have a pretty important job to be practising for.
But that leaves me with nopony, except the ones who surround me in a circle and torment me. My whole life is hell without a cutie mark.
I want to discover who I am, but what job is there for a nobody? My hobby is looking into space and trying to forget that I'm here. My least favourite colour just happens to be that of my mane, a sickly sweet pink. I hate it, because it seems to suggest that I'm cheerful. The truth is anything but.
At least my coat doesn't tell the same story. Jet black, and proud of it. It's the one thing I am proud of. It's natural too. There are plenty of ponies I know who would kill to get a coat like mine. Instead they make do with dyes and products. I want to dye my mane, but my mum won't let me. She says it'll make my hair fall out.
I did some research, and it'll only do that if you bleach it. I tell her I don't plan on bleaching it, and she tells me that she is my mother and I have to do what she tells me. I tell her that she's demanding respect she hasn't earned, and she calls my father to hit me.
And that's always how life at home goes. It's very much the same at school. I don't tell anyone, because all the teachers see it anyway and they'd stop it if they cared enough, which obviously they don't.
I'm not much of a pony for fantasies. I try to keep within the realms of reality, unlike so many of my classmates. My life will probably always be this way. The best thing I can do is try and get a half-decent job when I gradutate.
I guess that's the best I can do.
(Excerpt from Celestia's diary)
Dear Diary,
I saw Shadow again today. I wish I had a chance to talk to her, she looks worse than ever these days. Unluckily, I'm always hounded by these popular ponies who are trying to gain my favour in order to climb higher on the social ladder.
Some of them, I believe, are genuinely good ponies, but I feel like they're leeching off of me sometimes. It's been the same ever since I got my cutie mark. Luna's just gotten hers, actually. Unfortunately, she's been shirking a lot of her responsibilities too.
She's been falling in with some of the worst ponies. I hope she'll learn a lesson soon. Then perhaps she won't stay out so late. I worry about her sometimes, but I worry about Shadow more.
It's like the teachers are depressing her on purpose, or something. It's like they want her to do something terrible. I just can't see why. When I'm Princess, I'll make sure that ponies like her aren't just abandoned.
(Excerpt from Shadow's diary)
Today was horrible. I got beaten up really badly before the teachers put a stop to it. It's like they're trying to let me get hurt. Why would they do that?
Why are ponies even beating me up? It's not fair. I never did anything to them. I can't even manage my life properly without all this horrible stuff happening to me. And it is happening, so I just end up getting dragged down deeper and deeper.
I caught Celestia's eye today, for the first time in about a week. She looked unhappy, but she's not the pony with bruises all over and a torn-out tail. She's just so horrible, surrounded by all her friends, with her perfect life, and perfect cutie mark. Why can't I have a life like hers?!
Pony hell, not even like hers, just a half-decent one! I just want one good day. But instead I have to endure torture after torture with nopony to come and help me. Sometimes I just wish it would all stop, and I'd just be left on my own, to drift across Equestria, in a kind of peaceful bliss.
(Excerpt from Celestia's diary)
Dear Diary,
Today at school Shadow seemed hysterical, like something really terrible had happened to her. She spent the whole of class looking like she was about to break down and start crying. She was jittery.
And then it finally happened. A colt went up to her, started teasing her, just as usual. This was how it always started. After a while, a larger group would gather and start hitting her.
Instead of sitting there and taking it, as I'd seen her do often enough, she said something to the colt. I didn't hear what it was. He left her alone after that, but I'm afraid of what will happen now.
(Excerpt from Shadow's maths book)
This morning, my parents took my diary. They actually took it, and they burnt it, right in front of me. They don't understand. I need that, I need to write stuff down, it's the only thing that keeps me sane!
Right now I'm using my maths book, but it's not the same. It never will be. And what happens when they find this too? I don't want to find out.
Today in class this colt came up to me, started teasing again. I've been starting to question whether or not I'm a sociopath, because I thought about what would happen if that same colt were to die. And it came to me: I really wouldn't. I honestly don't care if he dies.
So I said to him, I said: "You don't know a single thing about me. Just because my flank is black, doesn't mean I don't have a cutie mark. What if my cutie mark is just that... Black?"
He asked what I meant. I told him: "It means I don't care whether you live or die. It means that if I drove a knife into your throat, I wouldn't feel a single shred of remorse. If I cut out your heart, I'd be a happier pony. Because I don't care for life. So if you're mean to me, I don't care if you die. And since you are mean to me, it would be a convenience to see you gone."
He left pretty quick after that. But it wasn't over. At lunch, a filly came up to me. She was a pale blue with a pink mane, kind of the same colour as mine, only it was styled differently. She wore black mascara and eyeliner. Not too much, like a lot of other ponies. But it did look evil.
"What did you say to my coltfriend earlier?" she said. She sounded really sly or something.
"Huh?" I asked.
"My coltfriend. Bubble Pop, the green one. What did you say to get him so worked up?"
I raised an eyebrow at her. What a stupid name. "Bubble Pop?"
"Yeah," she sneered, "What, don't you like the name?"
"It's... Lovely," I said sarcastically. I really love that word, sarcastically. The filly scowled at me.
"You know what? I don't even care. But I think I'll deal with you myself." The filly was a unicorn, not to tall, and pretty slim. She didn't look strong in the slightest. I wouldn't be any worse off if I fought her... Right? Her cutie mark was a yellow star. How stupid. What was that, astronomy?
I launched a kick, and the next thing I remember was being strung upside-down, a yellow glow surrounding me. Her special talent, it turned out, was not astronomy.
She sneered at me again. "What use is your Earth pony strength now, you little psycho?" I tried plenty of struggling, but the yellow aura did not let go. Damn unicorns. And so, I was once again, beaten. Badly. I don't want to relive it, not even on paper. Eventually she was satisfied, but she promised to be back tomorrow.
But I'm not going to be back tomorrow. I've got a plan, as such. See, that's why the notebook was so important, the one my parents burned.
It was my note.
I guess I'll just have to make do with this, but I kind of wanted my story out there. All of it. But that's okay, I'll be beyond caring by the time the plan is complete. I'm not going to write the exact time I'm going to do it, or how, just in case somepony finds this and reads it.
But yeah. I'll be okay. I always wonder what it's like. Anything would be better than this, anything, but I'd kind of like to be safe in the knowledge that I'll be in a better place. I know that it will hurt, but the pain won't last long, and then it will be over.
I'm going tomorrow. It's Saturday tomorrow. Saturday has always been my favourite day, because it's a day without school, and without the promise of school looming over you, like Sunday. That's why Saturday is the best, that's why I'm choosing it.
Because once I'm gone, I'll never have to go to school again.
So, this is goodbye. Goodbye Mum, bye Dad. I never liked you, but I'll always love you. Goodbye rotten teachers, goodbye rotten school with horrible ponies that hate me.
Goodbye Celestia, the one pony I thought was my friend. Maybe you'll be a good Princess. I hope so. Be kind to ponies like me. Don't forget them.
Saturday, 11:12am.
My name's Shadow Laughter, and I'm going to die today. I'm on the roof of my house. It's only 2 stories high, but if I land head-first that shouldn't be a problem. Also, the ground it concrete. Perfect.
My parents are inside the house. I told them I was going up to water the plants on our roof garden, so I'd better be quick. I step up onto the ledge of the building. The wind whistles past. I look down at the hoof-path at the front of our house.
It seems silly, aiming for where I'm going to land, but I do it anyway. I can see the cracks in the pavement, even from up here. One of the slabs of concrete is newer, so I shuffle across the roof until I'm in line with it. Yes, this is the spot.
The new concrete will be my last resting place.
I do it, let myself be pulled by gravity. The world seems to slow as I fall. The curious thing is, my life does not flash before my eyes. In fact, it's as if it was never there in the first place. All that exists, all that ever existed, is this moment.
Right here, right now.
I can see the street. A pony emerges. A unicorn, no, pegasus, no. She's an alicorn. Celestia is here. Why? I don't know.
Out eyes connect for a flash of a second, and then I look back at the ground hurtling towards me. I close my eyes. By all the gods of this world, all the elements that command them, and by the spirits of mother nature herself, let me be free. I open my eyes. I'm not dead, not remotely. Instead, I am once again restrained by magic, levitating a mere 10 inches from the ground. It's Celestia holding me. She very slowly, very carefully lowers me to the ground.
"Wh-what. What are you d-doing here?" I stammer. I'm not dead. No... No, this can't be happening.
"I came to see you, see how you're going. Evidently not too well, I see," Celestia looks at me, all concerned.
"I want to die," I tell her. "Please just let me die!"
"I can't let you kill yourself, Shadow! You're a good pony, you can't die."
This is when I break. I'm not a tears pony, but tears happen anyway. I let out a small giggle. Then another. Soon I'm racked with laughter. Celestia looks frightened. "Shadow? Please stop. Please!" I cry, cry and laugh. I can't stop. It's all too much.
I felt like laughing and crying for the rest of my life.
After a year or so, the need to cry faded. My passion for laughing, however, grew stronger than ever.
