This is a tax evader!

by Udahyas

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Random
Length: 3094

A comedic one shot about how Luna, who couldn't sleep properly, tries to force the only human in Equestria to pay taxes.

Diego had been living in Equestria for a little less than a month. Well, that's what it says in all the documents for the last six months. In any case, his life was quite peaceful. Surprisingly, when all his neighbors lose things, he only gets more of them. Well, it's just an accident, right?

However, any lie is revealed sooner or later. And today this day has come, the day when Luna personally came to Diego's house. The day when justice will prevail. Unfortunately, there are two problems for the princess.

First, she was sent to do this during the day, when she did not even sleep properly and did not drink at least a pool of coffee.

And secondly, Diego is ready for this meeting.

Published 2024-03-12 17:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-03-12 17:10:01 UTC

The path of the village hidden in jokes.

It's so unusual when no one bows to you. And it's also unusual to walk down the street during the day. Uh, Tia, do you have to make the sun so bright!?

I sighed with some disappointment as I walked forward through the city. The ponies next to me threw maximum short glances in my direction. Hmm, it looks like the tax on not bowing to the princess has been removed. It's a pity, he brought a lot of money to the treasury. Almost as much as the peace tax. Which was also canceled.

"It will be necessary to convince Tia to return these taxes. At least so she can afford more cakes." I muttered when I had already left the city limits. What did I forget, Princess of the night, during the day in Ponyville? Uh, wait, I need to remember. It's hard to keep everything in mind when you haven't been allowed to sleep properly.

Some time ago, a creature named Diego appeared in Equestria. His kind is called hyman, like? It doesn't matter. Diego, let's stop there. Everything would be fine with him. If he paid taxes.

Unfortunately, the death penalty for such a crime was abolished. This is the first disappointment in modern Equestria. And unfortunately, I was the one who was sent to deal with Diego. This is the second disappointment in modern Equestria.

With an exasperated sigh, I finally reached my destination. A small house located outside the city. At first glance, it was clear that the building had been destroyed before, but now it has been repaired, albeit in a very strange way. Like, the hole in the wall is covered by a closet that was inside. By the way, the cabinet has gold flecks. Cheaply, I agree.

Yeah, it's definitely a very responsible attitude to your home. Although it's still more responsible than his attitude to paying taxes.

After replaying the experience of the past, I quickly summoned my sword and knocked loudly on the door with it. If he does not pay all the debts owed to the kingdom now, the payment will be taken in another way. Oh, the door is already creaking, he came quickly.

Wait, oh, that's right. The death penalty for non-payment of taxes has been abolished, I forgot. When I saw Diego in front of me, who was almost twice my height and looked directly at the sword, I smiled awkwardly before putting the weapon behind my back. But don't let go.

After all, I'm a princess. No one will pay attention if I throw a couple of punches in a fit of rage. Brrr! The lack of sleep awakens cruelty in me. And I told Her that forcing me to do anything during the day is a direct path to eternal night!

I noticed that Diego was just looking down at me. Of course, without bowing to me. After taking a few deep breaths, I prepared to speak. So, you can no longer speak to your subjects in the Royal Canterlot Voice. Speak in a normal tone. As well as myself and my sister. Come on, you can do Luna.

"GREETINGS, YOUNG HYMAN! we. . . " I started, but was interrupted by a strange and sudden sensation that made me squint my eyes to my nose and step back.

Diego poked me in the nose with his finger and stroked his ear with his other hand before replying, "Uh, can I speak normally, please? I don't have earplugs."

What impudence. How lucky he was to arrive in Equestria so late.

I lightly stamped on the ground and said in an extremely veiled way: "Diego, recently, during a very complex operation that even I don't understand, we found out that you don't pay taxes."

"Mmm, no, I haven't heard of anything like that." Diego replied awkwardly, rubbing his neck and looking away.

"You haven't heard that you have to pay taxes or that you don't pay them?"

"Uh, both of them. Yes, both of them." Diego replied with a nod.

He behaves as if this is absolutely normal.

"So, quickly repay the debt to the kingdom!" I said irritably, almost instinctively spreading my wings to look bigger. Not that it makes up for our height difference much.

"Right after you." Diego replied by crossing his arms and making me stop for a moment.

"What are you talking about?" It quietly escaped my lips when the wings reflexively lowered slightly.

"Well, you know, the royal family is tax-free. Plus, you've been on the moon for a thousand years, as I've heard. So it's not for you to tell me that someone doesn't pay taxes. Especially when you're talking to a law-abiding, kind, and generally holy person like me." Diego replied by placing his hand on his chest in an offended manner.

It's better for him not to know that I generally have no idea how to pay taxes. Should I just give money to a special pony? Yes, that's probably how it works.

Shaking my head quickly, I spread my wings again and said: "Your duty as a citizen is to pay taxes, so if you don't pay them right now, then I will! I, uh. Oh."

I haven't thought through what to do. And I told Tia that forcing me to do anything during the day was a terrible decision. While these thoughts were running through my head, Diego put both hands on his sides and said boldly: "Whatever you come up with, know that I have a special set of specific skills acquired over several thousand hours of watching comedy and popular science films."

What are you doing?

"Are you threatening me?" I asked, slowly pushing the sword forward.

In response, Diego began to beat one hand against the other in a strange way, while randomly raising different fingers in all sorts of combinations. After a while of this strange action, he stopped and asked with an awkward smile: "Eh, don't you remember how to do the substitution technique? I haven't watched Naruto for a long time."

What is he talking about?

"Okay, whatever. The special technique of the village hidden in, uh, hidden in jokes! Vanishing technique!" Diego said before opening his coat and grabbing something. I didn't see what, exactly, because I immediately closed my eyes when I saw his bare skin. Thank you Tia for warning me that people don't have fur. I don't even want to think about what I would have done if my reaction hadn't been so fast.

Suddenly, there was a loud bang and smoke surrounded me, which I accidentally inhaled. I coughed and started trying to blow up this fog with my hoof. Uh, as soon as I find this hyman, he's obviously not going to be happy. Such brazen behavior in a compartment with non-payment of taxes should be seriously punished.

Eventually, the fog cleared and she could see everything around her clearly. The place where human was standing was empty and now it was visible that he had in the house. Lots of jewelry and . . . a heart-shaped bed instead of a sofa? Hmm, Cadance recently said that her bed was missing.

If I had more time, I would investigate other things that he might have stolen. Or should I do it right now?

My thoughts were interrupted by an enthusiastic sigh from behind me. After that, I heard a child's voice: "Is that a bird?"

"Is that a pegasus?" The second childish voice continued. I quickly turned to them and saw that they were looking up somewhere.

"No!" said the third filly just as I also looked up. There, on the water tower, stood hyman. Gotcha.

I pointed at him with my hoof and said loudly, "No, it's a tax evader!"

As if in response to my statement, this arrogant hyman raised both his arms and strained them as if posing. I just snorted when I saw it, but the fillies were impressed and they said in chorus: "What grace, what strength!"

Do they admire him? Ahem, no, I'm not jealous. I'm fine.

Taking a deep breath, I returned to my usual voice and shouted: "WE DEMAND THAT YOU IMMEDIATELY. . ."

"I told you you were too loud! And who are we anyway? You're the only one here!" Diego shouted from the top of the water tower.

I quickly shook my head and asked wearily, "How did you even get in there?"

Diego crossed his arms over his chest and stood for a while, letting his clothes flutter in the wind. In the end, he said, looking down at me, "The ways of the village hidden in jokes are inscrutable."

It doesn't make any sense.

Suddenly, the sun rose higher and what a setback: Diego was standing exactly so that the sun was behind him. Or Tia is in a joking mood today, not the point. I closed my eyes with one hoof and said, "Come down, we need to continue the dialogue!"

"Well, I don't even know. I'm comfortable here. You can sunbathe." Diego answered by sitting on the edge of the water tower and dangling his legs.

How annoying he is.

Gritting my teeth, I flapped my wings and began to climb rapidly. On the way to the top of the water tower, only one thought occurred to me. I need to have a coffee after that. And a lot of. A whole sea of coffee, minimum. Well, if you sleep for a couple of days beforehand, you can do with a simple sea of coffee.

In the end, I climbed high enough and looked at the place where Diego was. Surprisingly, he didn't go anywhere. He stood with his hands in his pockets and looked at me as seriously as possible. Although judging by the way he's shaking, maybe he's overextended himself a little bit.

"Are you all right?" I asked, landing on the water tower and looking at how Diego was trembling without moving a single muscle.

"Quiet, I'm going to use THIS technique." Diego replied seriously, still not moving a muscle on his face. Yes, he didn't even move his lips when he spoke.

How did he say that?

"OH, THIS technique." I replied by nodding quickly several times. It's too early for me to start thinking about his words seriously.

"Yes, THIS technique."" Diego confirmed with an extremely slow and serious nod.

After these words, silence hung in the air. He continued to stand seriously, and I just tried not to fall asleep. If this wait continues, I'll just sit here and sleep. Anyway, it's unlikely that any pony will climb up here just to find me.

Suddenly, Diego coughed loudly and asked confusedly, "Don't you want to ask what the essence of THIS technique is?"

"Not really." I replied with a shrug. Uh, I'd like to get some sleep now.

Oh, look, he's turning around. Running away again?

When Diego turned his back on me, I spread my wings slightly, preparing to make a dash for him. But suddenly he turned around quickly and I saw something blocking my view. Soft, fluffy. A pillow?

"How unexpected and ple.." I said, removing the pillow from my face, but stopped when I saw what was depicted on it. On a long pillow, about my height, I was depicted in person. Well, except for some details. Starting from the saliva flowing out of my mouth and ending with what I don't really want to describe.

"By the way, this is the most restrained version that I have found on the market. And you can keep this pillow if you want, I've got the whole basement filled with them anyway. " Diego answered with his hands on his hips.

" Why do you need so many pillows at all? Especially this kind of content!? " I asked, throwing the pillow on the ground and trying my best not to look at it.

And I definitely don't envy the fact that my version of the pillow has a better figure. Much better.

"Well, that's it for now. I have things to do. Like buying new pillows," Diego said, turning around and heading for the edge of the water tower.

"Hey, stop, pay your taxes! Then at least you won't be able to buy SO many of these weird pillows!" I said indignantly, stepping over the pillow with the image of myself and moving towards Diego. Only for him to throw something on the ground again the next moment and smoke surrounded me.

With sluggish movements of my wings, I dispelled the fog quickly enough and discovered Diego was missing. Again. Sighing wearily, I walked to the edge of the water tower and saw a silhouette below. Squinting slightly, it finally dawned on me. This is Diego. He is lying on the ground on his stomach.

He couldn't have fallen right? At most, he just couldn't stay on the stairs before taking the last step.

"Don't tell me you didn't want to pay taxes that much. I grumbled, diving down and carefully looking at the hyman lying on the ground. After a couple of seconds, I managed to see one strange thing. His coat suddenly turned into an elite suit. Did he change his clothes on the flight?

"Uhh, it doesn't matter. Let's just see what's wrong with you." I muttered before finally landing on the ground and blinking a few times, trying to gather my strength. Sighing, I turned Diego's body onto its back with my magic. His eyes are closed, and his face has turned gray. The face of this species loses color at death, I suppose?

Oh no, it's such a tragedy. I'd be worried right now if I'd had a good night's sleep. And so? I don't really care, to be honest.

I stood over Diego's body for a while before noticing a wooden box standing next to it. Oh, it's a coffin, sort of. I'm not completely sure about that. Should the coffin be decorated with diamonds on the corners? Maybe this is another strange thing in modern Equestria?

"Yeah, I guess so," I muttered with a shrug before lifting Diego's body and putting it in a colorful coffin. It's not that I'm too worried about where it came from here. Anyway, when I was done with that, I stopped for a moment and thought about it. The question was very deep, elaborated and, in a sense, philosophical.

Where can I drink a lot of good coffee with minimal effort? Like, I doubt that coffee shops in this village will serve coffee of high enough quality. A truly serious problem.

Suddenly, I was interrupted by a sad voice behind me: "Oh, of course, I feel sorry for this kind man."

"Well, I wouldn't say that. It was the first time in my long life that I had seen such an arrogant creature." I replied with a shrug. Whoever my interlocutor is, I'm more interested in coffee right now.

"But still he died very painfully. I feel sorry for him anyway, he was a good man. Positive, kind and most importantly honest. I wasn't ashamed to throw a smoke bomb in your face. I wasn't afraid to use the most secret techniques of the village hidden in jokes." The voice behind me continued, which made me interested.

Who is he to praise this hyman so much?

I turned around and saw my face in front of mine. . . . Diego!? Just in case, I turned to the still-open coffin and peered at the body that lay there. Then back to Diego. Repeat it again. It doesn't make any difference. Only one word escaped my lips: "What?"

"Heh, when I showed Pinkie a picture of my sister, she couldn't tell her apart from me. That is, ponies do not distinguish between human faces. So I just pasted my picture, which I took yesterday, on a straw scarecrow and put it on in a formal suit. I'm a genius, you don't have to tell me, I already know. But if you want, you can call me a genius, I don't mind. Diego said, lifting his nose and putting his hand on his chest.

I clenched my teeth and shouted, stamping my hoof: "First of all, this is absurd! Secondly, it doesn't exempt you from paying taxes at all!"

"Actually," Diego said with a cheeky smile before pulling some paper out of his pocket. It had a death certificate written on it.

When did Equestria start issuing such papers? In my time, everyone just shrugged their shoulders and said, "Well, he's dead and he's dead, what's the point of babbling?" Truly, it is was a wonderful time.

"And how is that supposed to change anything?" I asked confusedly while I was thinking about how to catch him and bring him to a fair trial. Considering how much he has hidden, it won't be easy. He definitely came up with something against magic. Hmm, the task.

" Dead people don't pay taxes. And this document belongs to the scariest thing in the world, the bureaucracy. So before you make any claims, try to undo the fact that I'm dead. " Diego said brazenly before returning the paper in his pocket.

"How did you even get this so fast?" I asked wearily, unable to contain my curiosity.

"I went up to the mayor and said that I was dead. Previously, I smeared mayonnaise to look like a white ghost. The mayor believed me and gave me a death certificate." Diego replied calmly.

And he did it so quickly? And in general, when children try to look like ghosts, they usually just cover themselves with a white sheet. Mayonnaise is unnecessary.

"By the way, I also managed to take a shower and make three copies of the death certificate. You really took your time, didn't you?"

"Maybe I'm not very well adapted to any activities during the day." I said reluctantly, looking away. So, we need to figure out what to do with this strange paper. Oh, I'm a princess.

"Ha, there's nothing easier! As a princess, it will take me less than a couple of minutes to cancel this heretical paper!" I confidently stated before turning around and walking to the mayor's office of this city. I guess you can cancel this certificate there and make it easy, right?

Spoiler Alert: It's not easy at all and in the end I won't succeed. Bureaucracy.