Steve The Human Vs. Pony Reasoning
GET READY FOR THE BEST STORY OF YOUR LIFE. You can get ready by reading this Shitty one.
It was a sunny day, because this is the beginning of a fan-fiction. Steve the human was drinking a cup of coffee. He was having brunch, the manliest of all meals, with Twilight Sparkle, the Ponyville Librarian.
He was enjoying brunch very much, until he noticed something. It was something that seemed very out of place. He put down his cup and looked at Twilight as she drank her coffee.
“Why is that there?” He asked.
Twilight looked around. “What where?” she asked.
“Your coffee cup,” he said pointing to it, “It's got a finger loop”
Twilight looked at her coffee cup. “So?”
“It seems weird that ponies would use those, seeing as you all have hoofs.”
“Well, we just do, I guess.”
There was a very awkward silence. Steve the human finished his coffee and said goodbye to Twilight.
He had a few things to do today. He had to stop at the Carousel Boutique to pick up some pants, Sweet Apple Acres to get some apples, Fluttershy's cottage to help her out with feeding animals, borrow the new 'Daring Do' book from Rainbow Dash, then to Sugarcube Corner to buy some pie.
Steve the Human got to the Carousel Boutique and grabbed the doorknob to enter, but stopped. He looked down at the doorknob. He blinked.
“Why do they have these?!” he exclaimed.
Rarity came to the door and magicked it open.
“Dear, why are you yelling?” She asked elegantly.
“Why do you have doorknobs? What are these for?” He asked, very confused.
“...To open doors, what else would they be there for?”
“No, but why? You ponies don't have hands, why would you have these? Why not something more suitable for hoofs? I don't know, like sliding doors?”
“Well dear, I don't know. They work just fine.”
“Yes, but how is that even practical?”
“Well, I use magic to turn it.” She said, getting rather uncomfortable.
“Ok, first, you could use magic to open it without a knob, second, what about other types of ponies, earth ponies, pegasi?”
“They use their mouths.”
“How is that practical? Or sanitary?!” He cried.
“Well, it's... oh my.” She said, after realizing how unclean doorknobs truly were.
Rarity rushed inside to get cleaning supplies for her doorknobs. Steve the human stood there, still with unanswered questions. He then entered and sat down, waiting for Rarity to finish cleaning her doorknobs. After ten straight minutes of Rarity sprinting from knob to knob, she finished cleaning and collapsed on the floor. She looked over at Steve the human and gasped.
“Oh goodness, I forgot you were still here, I am so sorry! What can I help you with?” She asked.
“Uh, pants.” He said, pointing to the pairs of pants sitting on her workbench.
“Oh, of course.” She got up and walked over to her workbench.
As she went to get the pants, Steve the human looked around. The boutique was filled with expensive pony clothing: dresses and suits, bridles, saddles, etc. He stopped looking around and walked over to a fancy gem-encrusted saddle.
“...Wat.” He starred at the saddle.
Rarity entered with the pants and magicked them into a bag. She looked around for Steve the human. She trotted over to him and cleared her throat.
“Do you like it?” She asked.
“Why is this a thing?”
“You don't like it?” She asked, sounding disappointed.
“No, it's not that, why is a saddle a thing.”
“Well, it's clothing, dear.” She said, hoping that this would not be another of his weird question times.
“But, why? Do ponies have riders here?”
“What? No, I don't believe so, what do you mean, Steve the human?”
“Saddles! It's made for somebody to sit on, why is this a thing!”
“It's not for sitting, it's for wearing.”
“It is shaped for a rider, and it even has the foot things, the stirrups! A human would put their feet there, why is this a thing?!” He yelled, demanding to know why saddles existed in this weird world of Technicolor ponies.
“It is not for feet, it is for fashion, decoration, not everything serves a purpose. If you are going to yell in my boutique, I am going to have to ask you to leave.” She said, pointing to the door.
Steve decided to leave, all this mindfuck was difficult to process. He left the boutique and made his way to Sweet Apple Acres. He needed apples because apples. The walk did not take too long. He got there and saw Applejack hauling some hay bales into the barn. He approached her and waved.
“Hey Applejack!” He said.
“Howdy Steve the human, how're y'all doin' today?” She asked in a southern accent.
“I am alright, I came by to get some apples.”
“Sure, let me get you some apples right now.” she said and galloped off.
Steve the human stood there twiddling his thumbs. Just then, he saw Big Macintosh trot by with a shovel in his mouth. Again, Steve the human's brain shutdown.
“S-s-s-shovels! They have fucking. HANDLES FOR HANDS! THAT IS CRAZY!!” He screamed at Macintosh. Mac blinked.
“You can see how that is weird right?” Steve the human asked.
“Nnnnope.” Mac walked off to continue his work.
Applejack came back with a bag full of apples. She handed them to Steve the human who gave her a few bits. He decided not to bring up shovels. Instead, he left.
He walked to Fluttershy's cottage. He was going to help her with feeding her animal friends. He got there and went inside. Fluttershy was fluttering around, humming a tune. Steve the human said hello. They then began filling up many bowls with animal food.
“Hey Fluttershy, why do you take care of all these animals?” He asked.
“Oh, well, because I love animals.” She said daintily.
“Well, ok, but can't they take care of themselves?”
“Oh, no. They need me.”
“Why? Are they hurt?”
“No, they just need to be taken care of, all animals do, except in the Everfree Forest. There, all the plants grow on their own, and animals take care of themselves, it's so scary.”
“What? Animals NEED to be taken care of? What will happen if they aren't?”
“Well, somepony always takes care of animals.”
“Ok, why can't they take care of themselves?”
“What do you mean?”
“Shouldn't they be able to gather food on their own? Or make a home? Or anything?”
“No, of course not, that would be silly.”
"How have animals survived if they can't fend for themselves?
"Ponies take care of them."
"What about in places without ponies?"
"There aren't."
"What? What about birds in the winter, they fly south, right?"
"Yes."
"They do that on their own, don't they?"
"Oh no, pegasi guide them. And during Winter Wrap-up, pegasi fly south to bring them back."
"What is that?"
"Winter Wrap-Up?" She asked.
"Yes."
"Well, when winter is over, ponies get out and wrap up winter, we clear all the snow, wake up all the hibernating animals and bring the birds back from the south."
"...no... That can not be real. Hibernation?! You have to wake them up?! So, if you miss some, they'll just keep sleeping?! And what?! Snow? You get rid of it? How?! Where does it go?! And shouldn't it just melt on it's own? The sun is there, the heat from it should melt the snow, why would you have to get rid of it? And where does it all go? Where do you put all this snow?!" Steve the human cried. Trembling from how ridiculous it was.
Fluttershy looked out from under the couch. She was shaking from the sudden outburst.
"I-I-I don't k-know."
“...” Steve the human got up, put down a bowl of food in front of a rabbit and left. He was shaking.
"W-where are you going?"
It was weird, suddenly everything seemed out of place to him. Things did not make sense. It was almost like the world he was living in was not real. His whole existence in Equestria seemed off now. Even how he got there did not make sense to him anymore. Twilight Sparkle accidentally messing up a spell and zapping a human into Equestria seemed like a really lazy explanation. How could such ridiculous things happen here? Where was logic? Not here.
He was going to keep having his existential crisis, but then he remembered he was going to borrow a book from Rainbow Dash, that was more important. Books are good, he likes books.
He walked to Dash's house, to or under it. It was floating in the shy. From the ground, he called up to get her attention and he did. She looked out of her house and at Steve the human. She flew down from her home at crazy fast speed. Steve the human noticed the rainbow trail of rainbow behind her as she flew.
“Hey” She said.
“How does that work?” he said.
“What?”
“Crazy rainbow trail.”
“Oh, it's because I am so fast.”
“That doesn't make any sense.”
“Yeah it does, I am so fast and my mane and tail are rainbow.”
“No, rainbows don't work like that.”
“Yes they do, I should know, it's in my name!”
“No, rainbows are light being reflected off of water droplets in the air.”
“What? That's crazy.”
“No, you are breaking the rules of nature. It doesn't make ANY sense!"
"It makes ALL the sense!"
"What?"
“Because Science!” She said and flew off.
Steve the human then walked to Sugarcube Corner. He was tired of weird, nonsensical things. He just wanted to get some pie and go home. He entered Sugarcube Corner. After a short amount of time, his head exploded. He died and is now dead.
END OF THE STORY
