Shining Armor Picks A Babysitter
"Please explain to me how this is a good idea?" Princess Cadance stood, eyes level with those of her husband's.
He opened his mouth.
She held aloft a hoof.
He closed his mouth and she finished: "'This' meaning, hiring as a babysitter the mare who wormed her way into your kisses by tricking you into thinking she was me?"
"I--" the husband, Shining Armor, started.
"And she tried to destroy Equestria who knows how many times? I may be the Princess of Love, and I have deep care and concern for many. But that doesn't make me the Princess of Stupidity. And it certainly shouldn't make you one either."
"The idea--" Shining Armor attempted to add.
Princess Cadance turned and walked away, strolling around the room. "The audacity. The foolishness. The weirdness. The... you're not into some kink thing with her... are you?" She shook her head. "That can't be it. Kissing the babysitter. If you wanted that, you could have done it with..." her voice trailed off. "You should have done it with..." she shook her head. "When you were having bedroom troubles, I encouraged you to do it with..." she looked around to see if anypony was overhearing her conversation. There indeed was a pony in the corner--one of the perils Royalty suffered in return for easy-accessible maneicures and hooficures was to risk those experts overhearing and gossiping about everything.
"Could you please leave us?" She raised her voice. The pony hustled away.
"Now, Husband, can you please explain?"
"Maybe?"
Princess Cadance's cheeks flushed red. "That's the best you can do?"
"I can maybe explain if I have a moment to speak. I think."
Princess Cadance sighed.
Her husband licked his upper lip. "What I was trying to do. What we were trying to do was--"
"WE?"
"Princess Twilight and I."
"I see."
"That's why Chrysalis was freed."
"After only two years in stone. Princess Twilight decided it was a good idea to... without consulting ME... free Queen Chrysalis, murderer of hundreds and convicted terrorist who imprisoned me on my wedding day, drained my love and threatened to kill me."
"She wasn't going to kill a reservoir of love," her husband clarified.
Princess Cadance pushed her snout into her husband's face. She didn't speak. She didn't blink.
"Changelings live on love," her husband said.
"I am aware," Princess Cadance's hot breath blew across her husband's face.
"Then you know I'm right," her husband said.
"You are so very wrong that I think you should drop your point right now."
"You're usually more loving about things like this."
"She stole your kisses, Dear."
Her husband swallowed. "I apologize."
Princess Cadance blinked. "I will consider accepting it. Go on. Now, explain why a terrorist was minding my daughter when it was your scheduled turn since Flurry's Crystaller was out of town. And why you were drunk when you returned."
"I was only buzzed."
Princess Cadance held up the results of a breathalyzer test that indicated otherwise.
"We can't really trust that technology. It's quite new," her husband said.
Princess Cadance blinked.
"Sorry, Dear."
Princess Cadance laid the breathalyzer results to a side. "And,"
"And I was drunk when you returned because I had been celebrating Lieutenant Flash Sentry's deflowering party."(1)
(Author's Note 1: In Equestria, the term deflowering is used regardless of gender.)
Princess Cadance put a hoof to her forehead.
"He did save my life that one time."
"Tell me that nitwit's deflowering was not done with you present. I have a very open mind, but..."
"No, no," her husband shook his head. "We were celebrating his accomplishment."
"Good," Princess Cadance nodded.
"But we found out at the party that he may not have done it right."
"As long as he or his partner found one orifice or another--"
"Does a belly button count?"
Princess Cadance frowned. "No."
"I guess we'll throw an even bigger party when he gets that sorted out," her husband said.
"Don't."
"I should answer the rest of your questions," her husband said.
Prince Cadance snorted.
"Twilight and I were having some quality sibling bonding when I made her a bet."
"For Celestia's sake," Princess Cadance swore.
"It wasn't monetary," her husband said. After some silence, he continued. "I bet her, of course, that no pony could be reformed. She said that any pony can be reformed and that she had plans to reform Cozy Glow--the foal who almost took over Equestria--"
Princess Cadance rolled her eyes.
"Of course you know who she is. But I thought you might not have remembered her name. ...And, I have wondered why we didn't try to reform her by using filial love--"
"We did. It didn't work," Princess Cadance said.
"Shouldn't it have--"
"Yes, it's a mystery. Perhaps she made some dark deal that erased her past. Perhaps she came from another dimension. Nopony seems to know her parents. And her stories about them are nonsense. Perhaps she's mad?"
"Anyway, we discounted Cozy Glow. Then, I said, 'Sis," I said, 'Sis--'. This is the important part, 'Sis--' I said," he said.
"Get to the point!" Princess Cadance said.
"I said,"
"No more dialogue tags!"
"But then you won't know if I'm speaking or if Twilight's speaking."
"You both have unique voices. I was Twilight's foalsitter. I know her cadence well. I was a great foalsitter. A lot better than a terrorist."
"Did you know she saved Flurry Heart's life?"
"What?"
"She saved Flurry Heart's life."
"Twilight--of course she did. When you were supposed to be watching our precocious bundle of joy!"
Shining Armor coughed. "Water under the bridge,"
"Indeed. There was a surfeit of water under that Tartarus-forsaken inflatable bridge!"
"Do you really have to talk like Luna when bringing it up? It's weird. And every time that happens, I have that dream--"
Princess Cadance stomped.
"I'll continue: 'What about reforming ponies who aren't usually considered ponies... like changelings? Can they be reformed?'"
"'Of course,' Twilight said."
Princess Cadance glared.
"'But what about Queen Chrysalis? Can she be reformed?' At that, Twilight silently thought for a while. At least I think she was thinking, she may have just been swallowing a burp. Then she spoke in a weird squeaky voice. 'I'm afraid perhaps not Queen Chrysalis.' Then I laughed and said, 'I bet I can't reform her.' And Twilight said, 'I accept that bet.' And then she freed Queen Chrysalis so I could show how I could reform her."
"Husband," Princess Cadance sighed. "Know that I love you very much. But also know that when you get overly excited you sometimes do foolish things."
Her husband nodded.
"You bet Twilight that you could not reform Chrysalis. Key word being 'not'. And... for some unknown reason... Princess Twilight freed this bug-eyed terrorist into your care. Without taking precautions or supervising her."
"That would risk Twilight influencing the outcome of the bet! But it was completely safe! Chrysalis is under a 'non-harming spell.'"
"A spell that does not harm her?"
"No, no, no. A spell that prohibits her from doing harm to others."
"And why would we believe this would work on Chrysalis when so many other past fetters have been breached?"
"Because Twilight was really, really certain."
"She is the Princess of Equestria. Sole ruler of pony-kind from Prance to Saddle Arabia, except for those who live in my Crystal Empire," Princess Cadance sighed. "But, there are so many things that can lead to harm for a young foal--saying bad words, doing bad actions. How did you guard against this and why did you think the best way to reform Chrysalis was to enslave her by forcing her to care for a young child?"
"That's where you're wrong. I didn't coerce her to care for Flurry Heart. She chose that option!" Shining Armor beamed.
Princess Cadance glared. "That does not make me feel better about it. At all."
"So there I was, sharing a beer with Queen Chrysalis--"
"A beer?"
"We were bonding."
"I see."
"But not kissing."
"Indeed."
"But... I was sharing a bit of love. She was really weak."
"You let her love-drain you."
"For the bet," Shining Armor said.
"For the bet," Cadance said.
"You didn't let her love drain our daughter?"
"No." Shining Armor shook his head. "I would never. That's why I gave her my love."
"You gave her your love."
"Yes."
"My abuser. Your love."
"There wasn't anything intimate about it. She was starving after so long being stoned. Really had a case of the munchies, she said. I thought it could build trust."
"Just as a host is loved by a parasite."
"Precisely!"
"Go on."
"So there we were and I gave her two options. Three actually. Option one: she could go back to being stoned. Option two: she could do charity work. Option three: she could take care of ponies at the retirement home."
"And she suggested she could instead, take care of young ponies?"
"Precisely."
"And you took her up on her offer."
"You got it!"
"Because you felt that her choosing her method of reformation would increase chances it would actually work."
"Yes!" Shining Armor nodded vigorously.
"And not because you needed a babysitter for Flurry Heart since you were invited to a stag party."
"Um..."
Cadance sighed. "Where is she now?"
"In the prisons. Under watch by one of my crack ponies."
"Crack as in good, not as in insane, right?"
"We don't have insane ponies in the Crystal Guard."
"Don't you?"
"Nope," Shining Armor grinned.
"Just crackpots."
"He saved my life."
"And that means he's qualified for other tasks?"
"His cutie mark indicates--"
Cadance interrupted him. "I want to speak to her."
"You can ask me anything, Dear."
"I fear that if I ask you anything more, I might punch you in the face."
"Yes, Dear."
Princess Cadance was brought to the place where Queen Chrysalis was being kept. Through the bars of the cage, she was kissing Flash Sentry.
"No!" Princess Cadance shouted and rushed to his side.
"Worry not," Shining Armor said. "Remember--she cannot harm. She cannot take his love!"
"Then why are they kissing?"
Flash Sentry pulled back from the changeling Queen. "Sorry," He licked his lower lip, covering the saliva. "This was part of the reformation work."
"How?"
He puffed up his chest. "We're trying to get her to enjoy sharing love without receiving anything in return."
"She can give love, but she cannot take unless we consciously provide it," Shining Armor explained.
Cadance peered carefully at Chrysalis' gaunt figure. Then she snarled at the guard. "You're forcing yourself on her."
"Oh no, no, no." Flash Sentry shook his head.
"The taste of his tongue was delicious," Queen Chrysalis murmured, flicking her tongue in and out. "But ultimately as unfulfilling as the free-given love of your child. Empty calories." She held up a hole-filled leg of hers.
"And does your colt or mare-friend approve of this?" Princess Cadance asked Flash Sentry.
"I don't have one," he quickly said.
"I heard about your party. I'm sorry the relationship didn't work out."
"I... paid for that experience."
"That means what happened to you is even dum--brr isn't it cold?" Princess Cadance tried to cover her near-rude mistake.
"It is a bit cool down here, now that you mention it, my Princess," Flash Sentry nodded.
"Based on what Chrysalis said, it doesn't seem like your attempts at reforming her are working," Princess Cadance said.
"Au contraire," Chrysalis said.
"It's Prench for 'on the contrary'," Flash Sentry said.
"Thank you, although We already knew," Princess Cadance said.
"Sorry, I just learned it. Chrysalis taught me. While we were Prench kissing. I didn't realize it was widely known."
Princess Cadance ignored Flash Sentry. "Go on, Chrysalis. Explain how your reformation could be working when you still haven't emerged from your cocoon and become a flamboyant butterfly."
"Unlike some changelings, I am not flamboyant."
"Wouldn't you find it gay?"
"It would not be fun, if that's what you mean. I am not a gay pony by nature."
"You should try it," Princess Cadance sneered. "A great many of my subjects find great happiness in gaiety."
"I would never be gay with you," Chrysalis hissed. "I oversaw tens of thousands of drones' well-beings, nourishing them with love stolen from a thousand creatures. I managed a strong kingdom far wider in girth and grandeur than this one. There is no time for gaiety or frivolity if one is to be a respected, great ruler."
"What about your time with Flurry Heart?"
"I would never be gay with a child!" Chrysalis huffed.
"You learned nothing from her?"
"I learned that an alicorn foal is much like a changeling kit."
"How so?"
"Foals, kits, whatever they are, want attention. Always attention and diversion and love."
"You shared love?"
"Of course I did. It's what Changeling Queens do."
"Why?"
"Because she was a foal and I know what foals need."
"Not just to get back into Princess Twilight's good graces? To try to escape from your stone prison for longer than just this brief parole?" Princess Cadance demanded.
Chrysalis hissed. "I cared for her. I starved myself for her. I literally am dying for her." Chrysalis indicated the burgeoning holes crisscrossing her legs and body. "Am I not reformed?"
"And yet you are not colorful..."
"We explained this."
"It's a long con," Cadance frowned. "Chrysalis is starving herself to gain sympathy. If we release love to her, she will kill us all. It's an old story, an old trick."
"A what?"
"The tale of the changeling crossing the river. A famished changeling and a pony stood at a river's bank and the changeling asked the pony for help crossing--promising not to take any love from the pony out of gratitude, so the generous pony helped but halfway across the river, the ravenous changeling sucked out all the pony's love. They both were swept away to their deaths."
"If both died, how do we know that's really what happened?" Shining Armor asked.
"Precisely!" Chrysalis hissed and bared her dagger-sharp teeth. "Anti-changeling propaganda runs deep in Equestrian bones! The only way to stop it is for changelings to educate your foals."
"We know because the dragon that ate them both told the story, laughing at a local pub!"
"Why would a pony-eating dragon be hanging out at a pony pub?"
"I never said it was a pony pub."
"Why was a pony eavesdropping at a dragon pub? Dragons don't even have pubs."
"Enough!" Cadance shouted. "That is not the point!"
"Me-ow," Chrysalis teased.
"Excuse me?"
"Someone's got her harness in a twist today. Bug up your butt?" Chrysalis said.
"How did she know you wear--" Shining Armor frowned.
"Yes," Cadance said, pointing a hoof at Chrysalis. "I have a gigantic, ugly changeling up my butt."
"Might want to get that checked out by a doctor," Chrysalis said, licking a forehoof with her prodigious tongue. "Unless you like it. Maybe I could help you out?"
Cadance turned to Shining Armor. "See how inappropriate and horrid this changeling is?"
"You wanted to talk to her."
Cadance glared at her husband.
"You're the Princess of Love. Are not double entendres your forte?"
"Love--not lust!"
Chrysalis rolled her eyes. "I was on my best behavior with your foal. And I am always on my best behavior. When ponies don't provoke me."
"What did you do with Flurry Heart?"
"We played a bit. Tag. Love pecks."
"You drained her!"
"We already went over that, I couldn't."
"You kissed her!"
"No. Love pecks. A changeling game. We boop each other with our noses, or rather we don't boop each other but rather 'near' each other to ensure no unplanned love stealing occurs. The goal is to avoid being booped and to avoid booping."
"That doesn't make sense. Why doesn't the booper decide to never boop at all?"
"Points are given for proximity."
"How is that determined?"
"When we 'hold', I secrete a green fluid filling a gap between nose and the target. We measure that.
"Disgusting."
"It's just nutrient-rich phlegm."
"Your daughter's protective corona was always active. She'd bump off me and my phlegm without me ever feeling her presence when she failed. It was literally impossible for the phlegm to get on her and besides, even if it did--it's nutritious for young changelings."
"She's not a changeling."
"It's probably fine for ponies too."
"And you let Chrysalis do this terrible, dirty game with our daughter?"
Shining Armor blushed. "Flurry said she had a good time winning."
Cadance tapped a hoof. "While this... does not appear to be abuse... or some weird attempt at creating a game ostensibly to avoid touching that actually results in so-called 'accidental' inappropriate touching... it's still horrifying. If not for mimicking activities reserved for older ponies that could later be imitated, then for allowing a known terrorist to bond with our child!"
"Did you two do anything else?" Shining Armor asked, diverting the discussion.
"We played with cosmetics."
"That doesn't sound so bad, Dear?" Shining Armor forced a grin at his wife.
"What about the beer you shared with my husband?" Cadance successfully had been diverted onto a different question.
"I shared more than that..." Chrysalis winked at Shining Armor.
"Not true!"
"Years ago, we shared more than a few kisses--"
Princess Cadance turned to Shining Armor. "Back to the statue she goes."
Queen Chrysalis laughed, her chuckles and chortles filling the chamber.
Shining Armor frowned. "Sorry, Dear. Of course, Dear. Lieutenant?"
Flash Sentry nodded and opened the cell door, then he affixed shackles to Queen Chrysalis' neck and undid the restraints binding her to the cell's far wall. Chrysalis followed his lead. "You have not heard the last of me, foolish ponies! When I finally escape my stone prison, I will spit on your graves."
"Because you'll have been imprisoned for a thousand years!" Princess Cadance shrieked. "How is that success?"
"Winning!" Queen Chrysalis chortled. "I am winning!" She twisted back, choking herself while still winking as she was hustled away.
When the hole-filled Queen of the Changelings was gone, Princess Cadance turned back to Shining Armor. "That was most unpleasant."
Shining Armor nodded.
"I want to see Flurry Heart," Princess Cadance said.
"Why are you wearing that awful dark mascara and three ear piercings?" Princess Cadance shrieked.
"A fourth is in my nose," Flurry Heart turned her head.
"Why would you do such an ugly thing? And why put those holes in your body--"
"I like it. I look like Chrysalis. She's so pretty." Flurry Heart, at that young, impressionable age where everything a foal said with wide friendly eyes was hard to object to, smiled wide, showing off a pierced lip bearing a bold skull ring.
"Husband," Cadance turned to Shining Armor. "See. Everything that mare does. Everything that mare does turns into the worst possible thing!"
Cadance stormed away, without telling Flurry Heart to take off the piercings or the mascara.
Flurry said, "Winning," then she winked at her dad.
And certainly not for Flurry Heart.