Pinkie Pie's Evil Clone Saves Equestriaby owliciousChaptersI Hear About The Dark Forest Hypothesis And Otherworldly DemonsI Answer Questions About the Trolley Problem in an Ethics ClassI Eat a Healthy Breakfast and Spy on EveryponyI Get Asked How My Ogres and Oubliettes Character Is EvilI Sense Something's Wrong in PonyvilleI’ll Light up the Dark Forest with a Giant Party!I'm Desperately Trying to Stop a Tragedy!I Hear About The Dark Forest Hypothesis And Otherworldly DemonsWhy did I even take history as an elective? It’s useless! My sometimes fun history professor lectured, “There have been many threats to Equis over the ages. The Progenitors of Equis were wiped out for an unknown reason, hundreds of thousands of years ago.“ The cream-colored unicorn stallion continued, “The Dark Forest Hypothesis is generally agreed to be the most likely reason for the events causing their disappearance. It argues that ’the intentions of any newly contacted civilization can never be known with certainty, meaning that, if one is encountered, it is best to shoot first and ask questions later, in order to avoid the potential extinction of one’s own species.’“ I bet that Twilight read all about that. That mare loves books and shooting magic at things. He went on, “This has several other implications. If other civilizations follow this policy, then it would be best to stay hidden, to avoid being encountered by them. And there may be many civilizations that we don’t know about because they’re hiding.“ “We suspect that the downfall of the Progenitors may have been due to otherworldly demons, but aren’t sure of it. How many of you know what those are?“ My face scrunches up. What the buck are those? A few of my classmates raised their forelegs. The professor frowned, and said, “That’s even fewer students than last year. I’ll write to Chancellor Neighsay again; we really need to raise educational standards for fillies and colts.“ He cleared his throat loudly and hit his forehoof against the lectern to get the class’s attention, then lectured, “Otherworldly demons can often be identified by using words, place names, and slang that nocreature else uses, such as ‘sus’, ‘human’, ‘anybody’, ‘internet’, or ‘rizz’.” He animatedly went on lecturing, ”Otherworldly demons have arrived from a variety of different dimensions, and a few are very powerful. Only a few arrivals have heard of this hypothesis. If you suspect that you see an otherworldly demon or somecreature possessed by an otherworldly demon, then stay calm, act like everything’s normal, then leave, and quickly inform the local Secret Monster Intelligence League of Equestria office or a mature alicorn Princess, if you suspect that you saw one. That way, responsible ponies can figure out their goals, and level of danger. Then, they can coexist with them, figure out how to send them back to their dimension, or deal with them.” They sound terrifying! Is the real Pinkie Pie an otherworldly demon? Also, I better keep quiet for the rest of this class, so that nocreature thinks I’m ‘sus’ despite my ‘rizz’. Am I even using those words correctly? Wait, I shouldn’t use those words at all! The professor asked, “Before I continue, does anycreature have any questions?“ “Is Lyra an otherworldly demon?”, one mare asked. The professor smiled and responded, “No, she’s just that weird. But a S.M.I.L.E. agent checks on her frequently, just in case she gets possessed by one without anypony noticing.” I start quietly taking notes of the rest of the lecture, while sketching funny pictures in my notebook. Author's Note A/N: Quoting Wikipedia's page on the Dark Forest Hypothesis The dark forest hypothesis is the conjecture that many alien civilizations exist throughout the universe, but they are both silent and hostile, maintaining their undetectability for fear of being destroyed by another hostile and undetected civilization. In this framing, it is presumed that any space-faring civilization would view any other intelligent life as an inevitable threat, and thus destroy any nascent life that makes itself known. As a result, the electromagnetic spectrum would be relatively quiet, without evidence of any intelligent alien life, as in a "dark forest" filled with "armed hunter(s) stalking through the trees like ghosts". The conjecture was first proposed in Liu Cixin’s 2008 novel The Dark Forest, arguing that the intentions of any newly contacted civilisation can never be known with certainty, meaning that, if one is encountered, it is best to shoot first and ask questions later, in order to avoid the potential extinction of one’s own species. S.M.I.L.E. is a reference to https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Literature/LyraAndBonBonAndTheMaresFromSMILE I Answer Questions About the Trolley Problem in an Ethics ClassMy life is going pretty well. I’m glad that I escaped Ponyville, got a job, and learned about Equestria and all the amazing things in it at the Manehattan library. And then I met my super-fun husband Puzzle Box, and started going to university and made some friends. This all helped me catch up on all the school I never went to since I'm a Mirror Pool clone; Everypony believed me when I lied about being homeschooled. I continue to dye my mane, tail, and coat a dull, light grey pink every week. I’ve also been hiding my cutie mark every day with dress pants or cloaks, or a track suit when I work out. I start to frown. Hopefully, the good heroes of Equestria won’t find me and send me to the Mirror Pool for being too annoying. And also for being a creation of one of Discord’s ancient evil pranks. They’d be pretty embarrassed if they found out that Twilight failed to exterminate all the evil clones. The latest edition of Princess Twilight Sparkle’s Journal of Friendship still says the exact same advice about clones, which is basically that they’re soulless magical constructs, and that you should send them to the Mirror Pool so that they don’t annoy everypony, and don’t steal their food and other resources. And that ponies should do it as quickly as possible, so that they don’t uncontrollably keep on making more and more clones. How was any-Pinkie supposed to know that you shouldn’t steal? Pinkie Pie didn’t tell us! Also, it’s now pretty obvious that I shouldn’t make more clones. We’re clueless, ignorant and run around everywhere when we’re created! If anypony saw another one, then Twilight would lead everypony to deal with every single clone, including me! I slump my head on a desk. And why did I take ethics classes as an elective? They’re only talking about how ponies should interact with other ponies, and not any other creatures. The teacher isn't saying anything about how ponies should act towards other creatures, or vice versa. But maybe I’ll learn something here that might help me trick Twilight and her friends and family into letting me go if they see me? My boring professor coughs to get the class to pay attention, and asks a question, “Say that you’re at an intersection. A runaway trolley is barrelling down the railway tracks. On the side the trolley is heading for, five ponies that are strangers are tied to train tracks, and will be run over if you do nothing. But if you pull a nearby lever, it’ll move to a different set of tracks, which only one pony is tied to. Would you pull the lever? Seriously? That earth pony with a dull brown coat even manages to make trains and trolleys sound boring. They’re super exciting! Trains let you travel to all sorts of wonderful places, like Manehattan. They’re how I escaped from Ponyville! “Any volunteers? No? Okay, how… Finger Food?” I'm an evil clone, but the answer is still obvious. I raise my head and answer, “I wouldn’t pull it. That would get me arrested, and everypony would hate me. I don’t even work for the railway company.” “You’re missing the point. Assume that nopony else will know that you did it.” I frown, put my foreleg against my eye because of how obvious that the answer to this question was, and exclaim, “Well, duh! Five’s more than one. I’d double check that there was nopony around. Then I’d totally pull that lever, and hoof it out of there before anypony can see me!”. “Okay. What if instead of a lever, you’re on a bridge, and there’s a heavy mare big enough to stop the train tracks. Would you shove her to save the five ponies?” “That’s the same question, but it’s riskier. And it’s even worse if you’re caught!” I better not stand around next to any trains, in case of a train emergency. I narrow my eyes and look at him, inquiring, “Wait a second… You’re not talking about me, right? I’m not falling for your tricks, mister.” “I promise that it isn’t you.” “Oh, then I’d check if anypony would see me and that she didn’t notice me, then I’d yeet her!”, I said, pantomiming picking up a mare with my forehooves, standing upright on my back hooves, aiming at the right section of track, then resolutely hurling something heavy, just like how Prince Shining Armor reportedly tossed Princess Cadance at the Crystal Heart to save the Crystal Empire. My muscular body and cutie mark were hidden under the dress pants and dress shirts I always wore to class as a disguise. I illustrate the saving of five ponies lives with onomatopoeia and hoof gestures to help my classmates understand the aftermath of my choice, exclaiming “Woosh!“. I keep standing on my hindlegs. I start moving my left hoof in a parabolic downward arc, illustrating the path the mare would take. I steadily move my right forelegs horizontally along eye level as if it were a train. Finally, my front hooves make contact, and I yell, “Crash! Screeeeeech!“, as I bring them to a narrow stop in front of my face. Yeet? Why do I still blurt out obscure slang and weird phrases, and keep doing silly things like that without thinking? Is this because of my crummy knockoff copy of Pinkie’s powers? Twilight’s book didn’t tell me why Pinkie Pie did that; the Princess just gave up on understanding Pinkie Pie because it drove her insane. I’d give her book a four out of five stars. More ponies started staring at me, some giggling, and some glaring, and others confused. Why does he keep asking me questions? Wait, I’m forgetting the gravity of this situation. One of those hypothetical ponies is about to die, to save those five other ponies. My classmates will realize that I’m evil. And am I going to lose marks for this? I use ventriloquism and stage whisper, to imitate a far away group of ponies, “It’s raining mares! I have no idea how this happened! But, even though that one mare’s death was a tragedy, I’m so happy that it prevented five of us from dying horribly!“ Bringing my right forehoof to my chest to make a solemn gesture of respect, I put on a serious sad face, then proclaim, “And I’d always remember that hypothetical pony’s noble and involuntary sacrifice that saved those five others.” Making a mock expression of rage, I continue, “And I’d avenge her by hunting down the hypothetical evil creature who keeps tying ponies to train tracks.“ Maybe I should tone this down. I make a confused face, and continue pondering calmly, “Hypothetically speaking, though. Not for real, that’s super dangerous for a normal earth pony like me. Maybe I would just help the guard locate or capture them? I’m not sure about this. Lots of creatures are escaping or returning, then going on to do evil things lately.” My seatmate and study buddy Maudileena stares at me, expressionlessly. I can never tell what she’s thinking or what she’s feeling unless she tells me. She makes okay jokes in her stand up comedy routines. Also, she has a pet rock. It isn’t as awesome as my mica rock I kept as a souvenir of Ponyville, but her rock makes her happy, which makes me happy. "I think they get the picture, Finger Food," Maudileena states, as monotonously as always. Excellent! I’m not sure why Maudileena’s bothering to take ethics as an elective, if she’s studying for her Rocktorate. What is she going to do, find a magic rock that could be used for evil? Ha! My professor pulls me out of my distracted thoughts and asks me another question. “Finger Food! What would you do if it was only you that could stop the trolley instead of that mare?” A few ponies started giggling. This jerk! I shouldn’t trust him. I glared at the professor. “I knew you’d break your promise, Liar McLiarface. I’m keeping an eye on you,” I sternly proclaimed, pointing a hoof at my eye, then in his direction. “This is a different hypothetical situation!” These questions are so boring. I plead, “Please, ask somepony else?“ My stern professor continued, “Just answer the question, Finger Food.“ I stare at him “No, I wouldn’t jump.” “Okay. Now what if there were a million ponies.” I stared at him and sternly said, “Still no.” Why were all those ponies staring at me? Oh! I probably should have lied that time, and the other times. I’ll try to be better at lying in class. “Would anypony else sacrifice themselves to prevent a train from hitting five ponies that they don’t know? Raise a foreleg if you would.“ Most of my classmates raised a foreleg, though some ponies had strange looks on their faces. Was everypony else serious, or were they just better at lying than I was? Author's Note This chapter and previous chapters take place before Twilight opens a school of friendship and invites other creatures as students. Her classmate Maudileena isn't somepony that Finger Food recognizes from anywhere else. mentioned by name in Twilight's journal since she wanted to keep her life details private in the version of the story, and there were no photos of her. If you don't believe that, then just assumed that Finger Food just missed it, or thought that Maud was a different pony. https://mlp.fandom.com/wiki/Transcripts/Rock_Solid_Friendship Starlight Glimmer: Have you ever come across some kind of super-powerful stone that can store the cutie mark magic of... I don't know... an entire village? Maud Pie: [deadpan] Yep. In the big cave. The https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trolley_problem is a series of thought experiments in ethics and psychology, involving stylized ethical dilemmas of whether to sacrifice one person to save a larger number. The thought of Pinkie Pie (or her evil clone, in this case) answering questions about a trolley problem seemed hilarious, just from how out of place the entire situation would be for Friendship is Magic, as well as how silly in character responses might unintentionally be. I Eat a Healthy Breakfast and Spy on EveryponyI begin another morning by picking up the newspapers and tabloids from my apartment’s mailbox, returning, then kissing my husband Puzzle Box. He’s a purple unicorn with light blue hair. I make breakfast for both of us, with fresh fruits, vegetables, eggs, oats, and black coffee. Frowning, I look at my breakfast. Seriously, why don’t I have whatever magic lets Pinkie Pie eat so many desserts! My awful routine of diet and exercise is worth it, though; Staying in shape helps me escape from Twilight and her friends and family faster if I need to, it stops ponies from thinking that I look like Pinkie Pie, and I’ve gotten used to it. And I can have more fun at sports and everything! I call it the Alright Twilight Fight-or-Flight Diet! I’m not sure why some of my copies of Pinkie Pie’s powers are different from hers. Twilight’s book didn’t go into much details about Pinkie’s powers and her Pinkie Sense. I think I can only zoom really fast when an observer such as a pony, or even a woodland creature, would think that it would be funny. My Non-Canon Party Cannon was put together from stuff I bought at the hardware store, and painted it to look like a photo of the real one. Unfortunately, instead of decorating rooms, it just scatters confetti and streamers everywhere. I keep the cannon hidden away in some sort of weird pocket dimension, to help mislead or distract ponies if anypony ever thinks I’m a clone. And don’t even get me started on my Finger Food Sense. It lets me know where I can find fun or happy or boring things, or when bad things are about to happen to myself or ponies. That helps me stay away from Twilight and her friends! My Finger Food Sense is also how I met Puzzle Box. Puzzles are awesome, and so is everything about my husband. Like a evil, spying, scheming magical construct, I read my morning newspapers, tabloids and fashion magazines, to keep up with what Twilight’s friends and extended family are doing. Thankfully, none of them have visited Manehattan for months. I frown. I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m evil. Only evil creatures like myself would be exterminated by the heroes of Equestria, to the celebration of everypony in town, after my ignorant sisters annoyed and stole from them! I learned all about what evil was in that book in that amazing library, and many of the things the book said are true about me. I look at a newspaper. What’s this? In the Crystal Empire Times, I see a picture of a group of angry ponies, and the article’s headline reads ’Crystal Ponies Protest after Prince Shining Armor Privatizes Health Care’. It isn’t April Foals day. There’s weird news like this in the Crystal Empire at least once a month, mostly from Twilight’s extended family. It looks like he’s trying to reduce the government’s deficit, after he spent way too much of the government’s money hosting lavish parties for everypony. I’m glad to be in Manehattan, especially since I’m not a pony. I Get Asked How My Ogres and Oubliettes Character Is EvilAfter another session of Ogres and Oubliettes of a long series of adventures, my husband Puzzle Box asked me, “How is your character even evil? She’s been doing nothing but good things so far!” I pointed my hoof at the character sheet. “‘Evil’ is written right here on Peerless Archer’s character sheet and backstory!”, My husband continued arguing, “She put herself at risk and defeated the evil Creature of Ruin threatening the Kingdom of Fun!” “She lives there, and it'd spread to other kingdoms! Also, evil villains stab each other in the back all the time, when it benefits them. She was taking a calculated risk that succeeded and got our party’s characters more influence and power and items.” I enthusiastically continued, “It helps with her long-term scheme to replace the government with her Evil Party forever. Once she does that, she’ll do all sorts of evil things, such as pranking her loyal subjects, imprisoning anycreature that poses a threat to her, and letting everycreature in the kingdom make out without even being engaged.” He looked baffled, and said, “The first one’s only bad if her subjects are harmed by it. And that last one isn’t even evil, but that explains some things. Seriously, what did your parents teach you in homeschool?” I blink, and ask “It isn’t evil? Then why does that stallion with that megaphone and billboard keep saying that it’s evil?” My husband looked at me, confused, and responded, “That’s just his opinion, it isn’t evil. But that explains a lot.” Wait, what! Making out wouldn’t have even been evil? Twilight, Luna, and Celestia or the guards weren’t going to lock me up if I got caught doing that before getting engaged? He continued, “Peerless Archer rescued that filly from a monster!” “It helped with her long term evil plan. Peerless took precautions to keep her party safe, and got experience points for it.” “Okay, but name one evil thing your character actually did.” I put my foreleg on the table and stated, “She killed that bipedal goat monster, and convinced everypony else in her party to help her.” “That was Asriel, the King of the Monsters! It was the Last Boss of the Ominous Caverns! It was scary and enormous, and it led all of those monsters that were trying to kill us!” How doesn’t he understand what evil is? “Yeah, but just look at this picture!”, I exclaimed, picking up the game manual, flipping to the page with his adorable picture and my doodles in the margins, and held it up. “He had these cool, sharp fangs and horns, and cute, soft, fluffy white fur! And our party just ambushed him with poison, and killed him for the money, materials, and the extra experience points. He was minding his own business, and our party broke into his Labyrinth. Peerless could have avoided killing him, but she didn’t care. Nopony even checked if he had friends or family!” I continued yelling, “Evil isn’t just about villainous speeches, evil actions that horrify everycreature, or grand villainous schemes, even if many of the threats to Equestria did that! It’s also about less obvious things, such as being selfish or indifferent. As well as treating other creatures like they aren’t fellow creatures, or not caring about them or wanting them to suffer just because they’re different from you, or not somecreature close to you!” “It would have gone after us if we stole its hoard and left it alive.” He had a point. “Maybe?” I slammed a hoof on the table, and continued making my point, “Another thing! Peerless Archer is a disguised, unreformed changeling, who’s secretly stealing love from her party members and lying to them!” “Her party members aren’t being hurt. And maybe he would accept her if they knew. And she could always reform.” “But Peerless doesn’t know if they’ll accept her; she’s sure they’ll kill her! And stop metagaming!” He looked worried, “You’re not a changeling, right?” “Nope!”, I exclaimed, giggling. “I’d still love you if you were one. Even an unreformed one.” “Thanks, but I’m not one. ” I said, and put on a fake smile, nuzzling him, then grinned, and exclaimed, “I’d tell you if I was a changeling. Then we could have all sorts of fun! I could make some pretty hilarious impressions, like the time Princess Celestia got drunk and sent her royal guards to the moon for their opinions about bananas!” I’m less than a changeling. While he isn’t looking, I frown. Even the changelings are now accepted by everycreature in Equestria. I can’t legally be a citizen of Equestria, and it isn’t even a crime to send me or my former sisters to the Mirror Pool. He burst out laughing and looked at me, so I faked a smile again. “What’s so funny?” “Peerless Archer. Her name didn’t just mean that she was talented. She also thought she was alone and had no peers.” I laughed, then shouted, “Well, duh!” I Sense Something's Wrong in PonyvilleI woke up early one morning in my apartment, next to my sleeping husband. I feel a terrible sense of unease and wrongness that was a doozy. That’s definitely my Finger Food Sense, but that’s the first it felt like that. It didn’t feel like fun. This sense wasn’t even sadness, boredom, or pain! The feeling was more like emptiness, and it seemed stronger whenever I turned towards Ponyville. My back right leg twitched three times, too, when I thought about going to Ponyville. If I remember correctly, that means… I softly exclaim so as not to wake him, “There’s free Maneican food? In Ponyville? That can’t be right.” I write a note for my husband saying that I was going on a short visit to Ponyville to investigate some things. I put it on the nightstand where I usually leave notes. It stood next to other things that made me happy: a tiny piece of mica rock, a crude wooden sculpture of a starfish covered in light pink dots, as well as a pot of imitation felt hydrangeas that he bought. Looking at those mementos, I smile. I was terrible at wood carving when I started, but keeping my first attempt makes him happy, which makes me happy! And the real ones that he used to buy were delicious. He said that they were the same beautiful light blue as my eyes, and he hoped that these flowers would last forever, just like our marriage. Well, ponies like us don’t live forever, but I’m still planning to try for both of us! If I make more friends that can use the rest of the Elements of Harmony, then it might be possible to repeat Starswirl the Bearded’s spells. I can be Laughter, Puzzle Box can be Magic, Maud can be Honesty if she’s cool with becoming an alicorn, and then I just need to find ponies that embody the other three Elements! We would just need to steal the Elements, as well as steal the Alicorn Amulet or anything else that lets anypony cast powerful spells. Twilight hasn’t mentioned anything about immortality in the books and research papers that she’s published, probably because she wants everypony else to be mortal. And if my first plan doesn’t work, I have backup plans such as becoming a lich. Preparing to go to Ponyville, I called in sick for my job, put on my caterer’s outfit, saddlebags, as well as a cloak as a disguise, then I went to the train station to go to Ponyville. I arrived in Ponyville, and quickly galloped out of the train station. Looking around, I wasn’t sure what the wrongness was. Catchy dance music was coming from somewhere. A pair of horrifyingly familiar light blue eyes popped up from nowhere, staring at me. Pinkie Pie asked, “Do I know you from somewhere?” I said in a way that she would find as boring as possible, “I don’t believe we have. I’m only visiting.” “You look strong and you have an awesome cloak! Are you a wrestler? Or a superhero?” “No.” A look of recognition appears on her face. Oh, no. She enthusiastically asks, “Wait, are you Maud’s old study buddy from University? The one from ethics class, who had a pet mica rock? She mentioned you in her stand up routine!“ How does she know so much about Maudileena? She excitedly went on, ”Anyway, you picked a great time to visit! Princess Flurry Heart’s throwing a grand opening party for her new restaurant Maneican Bell, and there’s free music and food. They’re giving away ManeFlurries, desserts, and Maneican food such as quesadillas and burritos. You’d probably love it! Just follow the music! Oh, and Rarity’s holding a fundraiser for the orphanage!” I frown. It’s a good thing that Pinkie Pie emotionally matured and learned that she couldn’t be in two places at once, I read all about it in the Journal of Friendship, and heard it from outside the library when I was hiding in a barrel, I think sarcastically. Hopefully, all those quesadillas and their cheesiness will keep Twilight far away from Ponyville, if the tabloids are right. I know that the Journal of Friendship says that she got over her fear of ladybugs, but it didn’t say anything about quesadillas. ”Oh, sorry! Maud said that you never talked about your family. Are you an orphan?”, she rudely asked. That depends on what your definition of orphan is. I answer, “No, but my husband and I were thinking of adopting one. We aren’t able to have children.” I keep frowning. Why do I keep blurting out things without thinking about it? I should have lied! That’s super specific, and makes it easier to find out where I live from government records! But maybe it’s a good thing if she takes pity on me and thinks I’m not evil, if she ever finds out I’m her Mirror Pool clone. And why are we still talking? “By the way, which do you like more? Cinnamon or butterscotch?” I continue giving uninterested responses, “Cinnamon, I guess.” She frowned, and asked, “You don’t dislike butterscotch, do you?” “It’s alright?” She exclaimed, “Here! I baked some Cinnamon Butterscotch pies this morning. Have some free pie! She hoofed over six pies, and I absentmindedly took them and put them away below my mane. Celestia damn it, did she notice the way I put the pies away? I blurted out, “Wait, why did you even ask, if it didn’t matter? And it isn’t even Pi Day!” She responded enthusiastically, ignoring my question. “I’m just glad you like cinnamon and butterscotch! They’re delicious! I’ve been baking and giving away free pies since 3 am.” Annoyed, I pointed my freed up hoof at her face and asked, “What would I even do with six pies?!” “I’m not sure, but my Pinkie Sense told I should give you at least five pies, and I have no idea why! And I made it a Baker’s Five and gave you one more. Maybe you’re supposed to share them with your friends or family, or bring them to a potluck?” Her Pinkie Sense, too? Nothing about this day makes sense! “Oh. Well, thanks. I’ve got to go. Bye!” “Bye!” I galloped away. I overheard her say, “Hey! Can you stop by Sugarcube Corner later?” I pretended that I didn’t notice what Pinkie said, turned around a corner, and sped up. Thankfully, she didn’t follow me. I bumped into Lyra when I was looking around Ponyville. I gave her one of the pies when we apologized to each other. Thankfully, she didn’t recognize me and I didn’t tell her my name; that was still the nickname that I overheard her mention back then. It took over a decade, but I finally found that mare again and showed that her that I wasn’t annoying! I go to Carousel Boutique first to investigate, since there weren’t many ponies there. Rarity was crying. I ask her, “Is something wrong?” Maybe she knows something about the disaster, but I doubt it. She said, “Yes. This is the worst possible thing! Why is every Prince from Canterlot such a horrible stallion? Ponies are saying that several clones of him were galloping around Ponyville, and not even one showed up to help! And almost everypony went to his daughter’s party instead of my fundraiser for the orphanage! I’m going to write an article about why he’s such a villain, and send it to every newspaper and magazine I know!” I frown. Damn that Prince to Tartarus, and whatever his reasons are. Now everypony will be thinking about clones from the Mirror Pool, and the spell to banish them. I decide to pretend to be a good pony, and reason out loud “Maybe he isn’t a terrible pony. Maybe he just forgot, and he made some honest mistakes, or he needed to use the Mirror Pool because of an emergency?” I take out twice the minimum suggested donation of bits out my saddlebags, and place them as a donation in the donation box, for her to see. Trying to helpfully think of an alternative, I throw out ideas and encouragement. “I think this can still be fixed. This event is about helping the orphans. Prince Shining Armor causes a lot of problems, but he’s solved many of them by throwing bits at it and hoping his problems go away. And the orphanage sounds like it really needs those bits.“ Forcing myself to make a compassionate looking face, I say “Maybe you could write him a letter politely explaining your problems, and ask if he could help with another fundraiser? And if he doesn’t help, maybe Princess Twilight Sparkle could help? Isn’t she one of your best friends, and his sister? At least try that, before burning bridges.” Hopefully, tricking Rarity into thinking that I’m a generous creature like her will help me if her friends ever find out that I’m a clone. “I suppose you’re right. I’ll write a letter to Twilight. I can’t stand the thought of talking with him right now. How should I thank you? I know! Your tie sticks out like a sore thumb. If you come back later, I could make you a new one, on the house!” Somepony else in Manehattan can tell me what’s wrong with my tie, instead. I’m leaving as soon as I end this wrongness. I lie, “That sounds great! If nothing else comes up, I’ll be there!” Author's Note A/N: The events of this chapter happen in late fall, around the time of the finale of the last season of Friendship is Magic. Writing the first draft of it on Pi Day was a coincidence. I’ll Light up the Dark Forest with a Giant Party!A familiarly shaped wisp of magic smoke flew away from a run-down building surrounded by royal guards, but it was blue instead of pink this time. In addition to the wrongness that my Finger Food Sense was telling me out, I also had a horrible sense about what would happen to me. That sense grew stronger when I faced towards the building surrounded by royal guards. It wasn’t hard to guess what that horrible fate would be. From inside the building, I heard a mare yelling loudly enough for me to hear, “Do you like bananas!” A chorus of stallions roar, “No!” A royal guard ordered, “You should stay away from this building, citizen. Princess Flurry Heart is interrogating the clones of Shining Armor to find the real one, and she’s sending the clones back to the Mirror Pool.“ I frown. I’m obviously not a citizen, but I have fake ID if I need it. How do those stallions even remember hating bananas? Did somepony cast a spell that transferred memories? And what if the real Shining Armor makes a mistake and gets sent to the Mirror Pool? Princess Flurry Heart’s plan seems pretty reckless. My Finger Food Senses tell me that if I go into that building, then something horrible will almost definitely happen to me. I should just leave, now. But my Finger Food Senses also tell me that if I leave without helping those ponies, then this wrongness won’t go away, and I think it somehow means that nocreature would ever have fun again, after roughly a decade. What would the real Pinkie Pie do? She’s a hero of Equestria, and one of the Element Bearers! I chortle. Hah!. If her friends weren’t around to help her, that mare would probably try to throw a party, or make friends! Huh. Celestia damn it; she really would. I’m running out of time to stop this. I need better ideas, or I’m doomed. There’s no way it would work, especially for an evil knockoff clone such as myself. “The earth ponies are revolting!”, I heard Princess Flurry Heart yelling from inside the building. I looked around and didn’t see any other earth ponies, just pegasus and unicorn guardsponies. That’s rude! I smelled myself to check. Oh. Wow! She’s right! I’m all sweaty, my hooves are shaking, and my heart is beating super quickly! That’s the first time this has ever happened! I don’t know what I should do about this Finger Food Sense of wrongness, but I need to calm down, and stop that alicorn first. There’s not much time left. I’ll wing it. Determined, I wipe off my tears with my right forehoof, then stick it in my mouth, use my copy of Pinkie’s powers to inexplicably puff out my mane into a curly hairstyle resembling hers, and the dull greyish pink dye I was using disappears. Then, I take off my cloak and showed the guards my left hip’s cutie mark. One guard said, “Don’t joke around. I’m busy guarding this building.” “No, look at my cutie mark.” The guard ponders out loud, “Balloons? Also, that’s a weird freckle. It might be cancer.” No, that’s from when I tried to tattoo over my cutie mark a decade ago, and chickened out because I was squeamish! I glare at him, and yell, “It isn’t cancer!” How do these guards not recognize me? I look exactly like Pinkie, who helped save Equestria multiple times, all those years ago! I pretend to be enthusiastic, and smile and lie, “I’m Pinkie Pie, the Element of Laughter! When I was on my way to a costume party, my Pinkie Sense acted up.“ Pulling out my Non-Canon Party Cannon from a pocket dimension, point it away from the guards, and set it off, scattering confetti and streamers around me. That looked convincing enough. “Oh. Now I remember. You threw my wedding party!”, one pegasus with a white coat said, and sheepishly continued, “I forgot to thank you for that.” I guess I’ll pretend to recognize him. “No Problemo!” I take out five pies from my mane, and urgently plead, “I need you to deliver this pie to them!” He sternly refused, “They ordered us to stay outside no matter what. Also, I think that the Princess locked the door a few minutes ago.” He frowned, stating his reasons for refusing. ”Prince Shining Armor and Princess Flurry Heart fire anypony who disobeys orders on the spot, even if they had a good reason for doing it. I can’t afford to lose my job; I need the bits to pay for food and rent, and I can’t afford to lose my health insurance. The Princesses or the Elements of Harmony are the only exceptions to that rule.” “That sounds terrible!” He remarked dryly, “I can’t complain.” The other royal guards also refused to help for similar reasons, despite my attempts at manipulation, pleading, and bribing them with desserts or making pitifully sad faces. I don’t see anypony nearby who can help. What would Pinkie Pie do here? Trying to hype myself up, I softly lie and proclaim, “Even if this is a dark forest where everyone hides, shoots first, and asks questions later like that professor said, I’m Pinkie Pie! I’ll light up the entire forest with a huge party, with spotlights, glowsticks, and pie, and make friends with everycreature!“ Continuing with resolve, I declare that “I’m going to get into that building, and save Equestria with a party! My Pinkie Sense tells me that something super horrible will happen if I don’t! That’s a Pinkie Promise! Stick a cupcake in my eye, cross my heart and hope to die! I mean fly! Just keep guarding the building, and stay outside.” “Got it. We were already doing that.” My Finger Food Sense tells me that I’m probably doomed if I go in that building. But, I’ll do everything I can to hold on to even a one in a thousand chance of escaping, becoming immortal, stopping Twilight from sending me to the Mirror Pool, and then partying for hundreds of thousands of years with all the friends I’ll make! That’ll probably be more fun than whatever wrongness my Finger Food Sense is warning me about. I can put two and two and two together! I have the B minus from first year algebra to prove it! Don’t run or panic now. Just keep moving your hooves forward, smile, and hope that it’ll be alright. I trot towards the door, pretend to smile, then attempt to turn the doorknob with my right foreleg. Author's Note I'm Desperately Trying to Stop a Tragedy!That guard was right; the door was locked. I don’t have much time. I bucked the locked door off of the hinges. That hurt. Did I sprain something, or pull a muscle? I kept smiling and hopped into the building, continued to imitate Pinkie Pie, and looked around at the Princess Flurry Heart and seven Prince Shining Armors. Is that goth mare's cutie mark a milkshake? How'd that happen? Anyway, lying about being Pinkie Pie is probably the safest thing I could do. Wait, my Finger Food Sense is going off and the wrongness is getting stronger. How would a lie about being Pinkie Pie make things even worse? What would happen if I did that. I’d better just tell them a bit of the truth. “Hi, I’m Finger Food! My Food senses told me there was going to be a tragedy AND free Maneican food in Ponyville today!” The wrongness is definitely from somepony within this building, so this wasn’t a pointless risk. “Oh, good, it’s the right building this time! I’m getting too old for this.” It’s a good thing I can think faster than I speak, and I can do both of those things super-fast! If Flurry Heart or Shining Armor notice that I’m Pinkie Pie’s evil clone, then I’ll lose everything I have. But maybe they won’t notice? And the sweaty, nervous looking Shining Armors’ eyes are red instead of blue. Maybe they’re possessed by an otherworldly demon, or maybe they’re just holding another cursed item? Either way, Twilight would know what to do. I should try to deescalate this. Why isn’t Twilight here when her brother’s in danger? And if the Princess decides not to banish her brother’s clones, then maybe I can stop hiding from everycreature. That’ll be so much more fun! Turning to face the goth Princess Flurry Heart, I keep up my fake smile, and yelled, “Don’t do anything hasty! You should tell Twilight that her brother was cloned and ask her to help!” Is the tragedy going to happen because of the Alicorn Amulet? Or even the “I Love Corn” choker? That last one’s influence is probably why her cutie mark is a milkshake. Her destiny and special talents are probably horribly messed up, and she’ll probably regret it when their mind altering influence disappears. Maybe their effects are the cause of this wrongness and her banishing all of the clones? Or maybe she’s perfectly fine, and just following Twilight’s advice from the book. Anyway, I can’t admit that I know the amulets and choker are cursed. She’ll think I’m trying to take them away from her. I mean, I plan to steal the amulet if I can, but I’m not stupid; I’d do it much later, when I wouldn’t be a suspect! I continued, “And probably take off those cursed looking amulets?” Twilight’s Journal of Friendship mentioned that Shining Armor was a huge nerd in college. Maybe he and his daughters like Ogres and Oubliettes? Maybe this is the pie emergency that Pinkie was worried talking about? “I know! I brought snacks, manuals, quills, and paper in case of an Ogres and Oubliettes emergency. They could form a party!”, I exclaimed, then I took out the five precut pies that Pinkie Pie gave me earlier today. I also took out my personal collection of Ogres and Oubliettes supplies from under my mane, and put them on a nearby table. The Shining Armors took down their barriers and each levitated a slice of pie towards themselves, leaving four more untouched pies. Flurry Heart was also eating a slice of pie. Good, everypony’s eating now instead of trying to exterminate the clones. Nopony laughed at my joke, though. I thought it was good. More importantly, the wrongness is gone and I can leave. But my Finger Food Senses tell me that I’m still in danger. I tried to zoom out of the room, so that I could get the buck out of Ponyville before anycreature could recognize me or send me back to the Mirror Pond, but my copy of Pinkie’s power wasn’t working. “Sorry, Princess Twilight Sparkle can’t be in Ponyville for the rest of the week. By the way, are you good at escaping from locked rooms?”, the goth Princess Flurry Heart inquired, nibbling at a slice of pie. Great! Does she like escape rooms, too? It sounds like we have something in common to talk about! Maybe we can pretend to be friends, and she won’t exterminate me the way her aunt would. “How did you guess that?! I’m the best at it! I once won Los Pegasus’s escape room championship in 10 seconds flat, then threw the gamemaster a party to celebrate how fun and difficult the puzzles were. He wasn’t sure how I got into the locked observation room, but he loved the pie!” Celestia damn it! Why do I keep blurting out random, naive things before thinking for even a second about why she was asking me about escaping? Is it because I’m Pinkie Pie’s clone? Flurry probably realized that I’m a clone, and now she knows that I’ll try to escape! She’s just as ruthless as her aunt! If I kill her now, I won't get out of here alive! And I sense that it would make the wrongness worse! Meanwhile, seven Shining Armors stood around, contentedly continuing to eat their slices of pie and doing absolutely nothing to help me, or even themselves, oblivious to their situation and my attempts to help them survive. How could they do that to a fellow Mirror Pool clone? I know! I’ll try to deescalate this, by telling Flurry and every-Shining the rest of my story about Puzzle Box, and tell some funnier jokes! “We then met and…” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Flurry Heart finish casting a spell. My fake smile disappears, replaced by my terrified expression. NO! I need to get out of the way! I still can’t zoom away! What else can I do? I can’t duck or run in time, and I’m not carrying anything big enough to block the spell! I left my only Party Cannon outside, and I gave Lyra my last pie! Accepting my inevitable demise, I ponder about it super-fast. And everypony here would just hunt me down to blast me even if I somehow escaped; they aren’t finding me funny. At least the wrongness is still gone, but I won’t be around to figure out what it even was. My husband won’t know what happened to me; he’ll think that I just vanished! Nocreature in Ponyville will even realize, or care. Furthermore, I didn’t even taste any of the free food being given out in Ponyville! Look at the positives. The debt collectors for the rest of my student loans probably won’t find me in the Mirror Pool. The princess is going to wipe out every clone without asking questions first, in some form of genocidal speedrun, but I think that the things I like about Equestria are at safe? And now I know that Prince Shining Armor isn’t some type of evil villain like the rumors say. Evil villains like myself have schemes, and we do whatever they can to make them succeed. Instead, he’s a terrible, bumbling, evil clown, and not the fun kind of clown! The stupid kind! His own daughter is wearing cursed, mind-influencing necklaces, and he probably just thinks that they’re goth accessories! He brought clone life into the world and taught them everything they knew, only for them to fail to accomplish anything, then die in terror! That clown might still get himself sent to the Mirror Pool by his own goth daughter, and the wrongness starting the same day he cloned himself makes me think that he somehow almost doomed all of Equestria without realizing it! And every-Shining just keeps standing around there doing nothing and waiting to be eradicated! I’m glad I did my best as an evil villain, unlike those useless clowns! But what was the cause of the wrongness that I was trying to stop? And why did I need five pies to stop it? Princess Flurry Heart watched as her pink ray of magic hit the evil, annoying, terrified, sweating pink magical construct, and it bloated up, then returned to the Mirror Pool as a trail of pink smoke. Author's Note This is the final chapter of a dark, tragic story set around the end of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, in a universe where Shining Armor is a Terrible Dad (competition) of Princess Flurry Heart. This story shows Shining Armor's actions from Pinkie Pie's clone's (a.k.a. Finger Food's) perspective, and describes how a potential threat to Equestria would perceive Shining Armor for interfering with her long-term plans, before being sent to the Mirror Pool. The fate of Mirror Pool Clones is left uncertain in this story, though Finger Food was pessimistic about it. I'm planning a sequel/spinoff where Twilight would find out about the situation in the Mirror Pool, and reverse the banishment. Princess Twilight Sparkle had no idea that there were any clones left, due to Finger Food hiding, and didn't realize that there were any clones in Ponyville when sending Princess Flurry Heart the steps for the spell. The dark, random comedy prequel Too Many Shining Armors (are Terrible Dads) tell more about Shining Armors, Flurry Heart's, and Twilight's thoughts and actions. The prequel is a less serious story, written in a different genre and writing style (third party limited perspective focused on Flurry Heart's thoughts and actions), and many characters are deliberately flawed in some ways. Those flaws include the ways that Shining Armor was being a terrible dad (contest link) of Princess Flurry Heart. The final chapter of the prequel contains the rest of the events in that building. This story uses a more serious writing style than its prequel (though the main character is a clone of Pinkie Pie). It contains Finger Food's thoughts on the flaws in the characters in the prequel, and mentions many of them from the perspective of a character that considers herself an evil villain. Characterization of Finger Food: Finger Food is a magical construct that has thought processes and values that aren't like ponies, and prioritize their own ability to have fun, which includes surviving for as long as possible. Because they are a clone of Pinkie Pie, they have some of Pinkie's habits, mannerisms, optimism, cheerfulness, tendency to make jokes and pop culture references, and similar abilities. She also assumes the worst case scenarios about Twilight's friends and extended family based on incomplete information available to her. Finger Food could be dangerous to all life in Equestria and beyond if she had ever succeeded at stealing artifacts, because of her prioritization of their own life, her plans to use powerful magic or cursed items and other methods to survive, as well as the corruption those items can cause. The last scenes in Ponyville take place around the time of the finale of the last season of Friendship is Magic. All characters in this story are adults. Series overview (blog post) Feedback welcome.
I Hear About The Dark Forest Hypothesis And Otherworldly DemonsWhy did I even take history as an elective? It’s useless! My sometimes fun history professor lectured, “There have been many threats to Equis over the ages. The Progenitors of Equis were wiped out for an unknown reason, hundreds of thousands of years ago.“ The cream-colored unicorn stallion continued, “The Dark Forest Hypothesis is generally agreed to be the most likely reason for the events causing their disappearance. It argues that ’the intentions of any newly contacted civilization can never be known with certainty, meaning that, if one is encountered, it is best to shoot first and ask questions later, in order to avoid the potential extinction of one’s own species.’“ I bet that Twilight read all about that. That mare loves books and shooting magic at things. He went on, “This has several other implications. If other civilizations follow this policy, then it would be best to stay hidden, to avoid being encountered by them. And there may be many civilizations that we don’t know about because they’re hiding.“ “We suspect that the downfall of the Progenitors may have been due to otherworldly demons, but aren’t sure of it. How many of you know what those are?“ My face scrunches up. What the buck are those? A few of my classmates raised their forelegs. The professor frowned, and said, “That’s even fewer students than last year. I’ll write to Chancellor Neighsay again; we really need to raise educational standards for fillies and colts.“ He cleared his throat loudly and hit his forehoof against the lectern to get the class’s attention, then lectured, “Otherworldly demons can often be identified by using words, place names, and slang that nocreature else uses, such as ‘sus’, ‘human’, ‘anybody’, ‘internet’, or ‘rizz’.” He animatedly went on lecturing, ”Otherworldly demons have arrived from a variety of different dimensions, and a few are very powerful. Only a few arrivals have heard of this hypothesis. If you suspect that you see an otherworldly demon or somecreature possessed by an otherworldly demon, then stay calm, act like everything’s normal, then leave, and quickly inform the local Secret Monster Intelligence League of Equestria office or a mature alicorn Princess, if you suspect that you saw one. That way, responsible ponies can figure out their goals, and level of danger. Then, they can coexist with them, figure out how to send them back to their dimension, or deal with them.” They sound terrifying! Is the real Pinkie Pie an otherworldly demon? Also, I better keep quiet for the rest of this class, so that nocreature thinks I’m ‘sus’ despite my ‘rizz’. Am I even using those words correctly? Wait, I shouldn’t use those words at all! The professor asked, “Before I continue, does anycreature have any questions?“ “Is Lyra an otherworldly demon?”, one mare asked. The professor smiled and responded, “No, she’s just that weird. But a S.M.I.L.E. agent checks on her frequently, just in case she gets possessed by one without anypony noticing.” I start quietly taking notes of the rest of the lecture, while sketching funny pictures in my notebook. Author's Note A/N: Quoting Wikipedia's page on the Dark Forest Hypothesis The dark forest hypothesis is the conjecture that many alien civilizations exist throughout the universe, but they are both silent and hostile, maintaining their undetectability for fear of being destroyed by another hostile and undetected civilization. In this framing, it is presumed that any space-faring civilization would view any other intelligent life as an inevitable threat, and thus destroy any nascent life that makes itself known. As a result, the electromagnetic spectrum would be relatively quiet, without evidence of any intelligent alien life, as in a "dark forest" filled with "armed hunter(s) stalking through the trees like ghosts". The conjecture was first proposed in Liu Cixin’s 2008 novel The Dark Forest, arguing that the intentions of any newly contacted civilisation can never be known with certainty, meaning that, if one is encountered, it is best to shoot first and ask questions later, in order to avoid the potential extinction of one’s own species. S.M.I.L.E. is a reference to https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Literature/LyraAndBonBonAndTheMaresFromSMILE
I Answer Questions About the Trolley Problem in an Ethics ClassMy life is going pretty well. I’m glad that I escaped Ponyville, got a job, and learned about Equestria and all the amazing things in it at the Manehattan library. And then I met my super-fun husband Puzzle Box, and started going to university and made some friends. This all helped me catch up on all the school I never went to since I'm a Mirror Pool clone; Everypony believed me when I lied about being homeschooled. I continue to dye my mane, tail, and coat a dull, light grey pink every week. I’ve also been hiding my cutie mark every day with dress pants or cloaks, or a track suit when I work out. I start to frown. Hopefully, the good heroes of Equestria won’t find me and send me to the Mirror Pool for being too annoying. And also for being a creation of one of Discord’s ancient evil pranks. They’d be pretty embarrassed if they found out that Twilight failed to exterminate all the evil clones. The latest edition of Princess Twilight Sparkle’s Journal of Friendship still says the exact same advice about clones, which is basically that they’re soulless magical constructs, and that you should send them to the Mirror Pool so that they don’t annoy everypony, and don’t steal their food and other resources. And that ponies should do it as quickly as possible, so that they don’t uncontrollably keep on making more and more clones. How was any-Pinkie supposed to know that you shouldn’t steal? Pinkie Pie didn’t tell us! Also, it’s now pretty obvious that I shouldn’t make more clones. We’re clueless, ignorant and run around everywhere when we’re created! If anypony saw another one, then Twilight would lead everypony to deal with every single clone, including me! I slump my head on a desk. And why did I take ethics classes as an elective? They’re only talking about how ponies should interact with other ponies, and not any other creatures. The teacher isn't saying anything about how ponies should act towards other creatures, or vice versa. But maybe I’ll learn something here that might help me trick Twilight and her friends and family into letting me go if they see me? My boring professor coughs to get the class to pay attention, and asks a question, “Say that you’re at an intersection. A runaway trolley is barrelling down the railway tracks. On the side the trolley is heading for, five ponies that are strangers are tied to train tracks, and will be run over if you do nothing. But if you pull a nearby lever, it’ll move to a different set of tracks, which only one pony is tied to. Would you pull the lever? Seriously? That earth pony with a dull brown coat even manages to make trains and trolleys sound boring. They’re super exciting! Trains let you travel to all sorts of wonderful places, like Manehattan. They’re how I escaped from Ponyville! “Any volunteers? No? Okay, how… Finger Food?” I'm an evil clone, but the answer is still obvious. I raise my head and answer, “I wouldn’t pull it. That would get me arrested, and everypony would hate me. I don’t even work for the railway company.” “You’re missing the point. Assume that nopony else will know that you did it.” I frown, put my foreleg against my eye because of how obvious that the answer to this question was, and exclaim, “Well, duh! Five’s more than one. I’d double check that there was nopony around. Then I’d totally pull that lever, and hoof it out of there before anypony can see me!”. “Okay. What if instead of a lever, you’re on a bridge, and there’s a heavy mare big enough to stop the train tracks. Would you shove her to save the five ponies?” “That’s the same question, but it’s riskier. And it’s even worse if you’re caught!” I better not stand around next to any trains, in case of a train emergency. I narrow my eyes and look at him, inquiring, “Wait a second… You’re not talking about me, right? I’m not falling for your tricks, mister.” “I promise that it isn’t you.” “Oh, then I’d check if anypony would see me and that she didn’t notice me, then I’d yeet her!”, I said, pantomiming picking up a mare with my forehooves, standing upright on my back hooves, aiming at the right section of track, then resolutely hurling something heavy, just like how Prince Shining Armor reportedly tossed Princess Cadance at the Crystal Heart to save the Crystal Empire. My muscular body and cutie mark were hidden under the dress pants and dress shirts I always wore to class as a disguise. I illustrate the saving of five ponies lives with onomatopoeia and hoof gestures to help my classmates understand the aftermath of my choice, exclaiming “Woosh!“. I keep standing on my hindlegs. I start moving my left hoof in a parabolic downward arc, illustrating the path the mare would take. I steadily move my right forelegs horizontally along eye level as if it were a train. Finally, my front hooves make contact, and I yell, “Crash! Screeeeeech!“, as I bring them to a narrow stop in front of my face. Yeet? Why do I still blurt out obscure slang and weird phrases, and keep doing silly things like that without thinking? Is this because of my crummy knockoff copy of Pinkie’s powers? Twilight’s book didn’t tell me why Pinkie Pie did that; the Princess just gave up on understanding Pinkie Pie because it drove her insane. I’d give her book a four out of five stars. More ponies started staring at me, some giggling, and some glaring, and others confused. Why does he keep asking me questions? Wait, I’m forgetting the gravity of this situation. One of those hypothetical ponies is about to die, to save those five other ponies. My classmates will realize that I’m evil. And am I going to lose marks for this? I use ventriloquism and stage whisper, to imitate a far away group of ponies, “It’s raining mares! I have no idea how this happened! But, even though that one mare’s death was a tragedy, I’m so happy that it prevented five of us from dying horribly!“ Bringing my right forehoof to my chest to make a solemn gesture of respect, I put on a serious sad face, then proclaim, “And I’d always remember that hypothetical pony’s noble and involuntary sacrifice that saved those five others.” Making a mock expression of rage, I continue, “And I’d avenge her by hunting down the hypothetical evil creature who keeps tying ponies to train tracks.“ Maybe I should tone this down. I make a confused face, and continue pondering calmly, “Hypothetically speaking, though. Not for real, that’s super dangerous for a normal earth pony like me. Maybe I would just help the guard locate or capture them? I’m not sure about this. Lots of creatures are escaping or returning, then going on to do evil things lately.” My seatmate and study buddy Maudileena stares at me, expressionlessly. I can never tell what she’s thinking or what she’s feeling unless she tells me. She makes okay jokes in her stand up comedy routines. Also, she has a pet rock. It isn’t as awesome as my mica rock I kept as a souvenir of Ponyville, but her rock makes her happy, which makes me happy. "I think they get the picture, Finger Food," Maudileena states, as monotonously as always. Excellent! I’m not sure why Maudileena’s bothering to take ethics as an elective, if she’s studying for her Rocktorate. What is she going to do, find a magic rock that could be used for evil? Ha! My professor pulls me out of my distracted thoughts and asks me another question. “Finger Food! What would you do if it was only you that could stop the trolley instead of that mare?” A few ponies started giggling. This jerk! I shouldn’t trust him. I glared at the professor. “I knew you’d break your promise, Liar McLiarface. I’m keeping an eye on you,” I sternly proclaimed, pointing a hoof at my eye, then in his direction. “This is a different hypothetical situation!” These questions are so boring. I plead, “Please, ask somepony else?“ My stern professor continued, “Just answer the question, Finger Food.“ I stare at him “No, I wouldn’t jump.” “Okay. Now what if there were a million ponies.” I stared at him and sternly said, “Still no.” Why were all those ponies staring at me? Oh! I probably should have lied that time, and the other times. I’ll try to be better at lying in class. “Would anypony else sacrifice themselves to prevent a train from hitting five ponies that they don’t know? Raise a foreleg if you would.“ Most of my classmates raised a foreleg, though some ponies had strange looks on their faces. Was everypony else serious, or were they just better at lying than I was? Author's Note This chapter and previous chapters take place before Twilight opens a school of friendship and invites other creatures as students. Her classmate Maudileena isn't somepony that Finger Food recognizes from anywhere else. mentioned by name in Twilight's journal since she wanted to keep her life details private in the version of the story, and there were no photos of her. If you don't believe that, then just assumed that Finger Food just missed it, or thought that Maud was a different pony. https://mlp.fandom.com/wiki/Transcripts/Rock_Solid_Friendship Starlight Glimmer: Have you ever come across some kind of super-powerful stone that can store the cutie mark magic of... I don't know... an entire village? Maud Pie: [deadpan] Yep. In the big cave. The https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trolley_problem is a series of thought experiments in ethics and psychology, involving stylized ethical dilemmas of whether to sacrifice one person to save a larger number. The thought of Pinkie Pie (or her evil clone, in this case) answering questions about a trolley problem seemed hilarious, just from how out of place the entire situation would be for Friendship is Magic, as well as how silly in character responses might unintentionally be.
I Eat a Healthy Breakfast and Spy on EveryponyI begin another morning by picking up the newspapers and tabloids from my apartment’s mailbox, returning, then kissing my husband Puzzle Box. He’s a purple unicorn with light blue hair. I make breakfast for both of us, with fresh fruits, vegetables, eggs, oats, and black coffee. Frowning, I look at my breakfast. Seriously, why don’t I have whatever magic lets Pinkie Pie eat so many desserts! My awful routine of diet and exercise is worth it, though; Staying in shape helps me escape from Twilight and her friends and family faster if I need to, it stops ponies from thinking that I look like Pinkie Pie, and I’ve gotten used to it. And I can have more fun at sports and everything! I call it the Alright Twilight Fight-or-Flight Diet! I’m not sure why some of my copies of Pinkie Pie’s powers are different from hers. Twilight’s book didn’t go into much details about Pinkie’s powers and her Pinkie Sense. I think I can only zoom really fast when an observer such as a pony, or even a woodland creature, would think that it would be funny. My Non-Canon Party Cannon was put together from stuff I bought at the hardware store, and painted it to look like a photo of the real one. Unfortunately, instead of decorating rooms, it just scatters confetti and streamers everywhere. I keep the cannon hidden away in some sort of weird pocket dimension, to help mislead or distract ponies if anypony ever thinks I’m a clone. And don’t even get me started on my Finger Food Sense. It lets me know where I can find fun or happy or boring things, or when bad things are about to happen to myself or ponies. That helps me stay away from Twilight and her friends! My Finger Food Sense is also how I met Puzzle Box. Puzzles are awesome, and so is everything about my husband. Like a evil, spying, scheming magical construct, I read my morning newspapers, tabloids and fashion magazines, to keep up with what Twilight’s friends and extended family are doing. Thankfully, none of them have visited Manehattan for months. I frown. I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m evil. Only evil creatures like myself would be exterminated by the heroes of Equestria, to the celebration of everypony in town, after my ignorant sisters annoyed and stole from them! I learned all about what evil was in that book in that amazing library, and many of the things the book said are true about me. I look at a newspaper. What’s this? In the Crystal Empire Times, I see a picture of a group of angry ponies, and the article’s headline reads ’Crystal Ponies Protest after Prince Shining Armor Privatizes Health Care’. It isn’t April Foals day. There’s weird news like this in the Crystal Empire at least once a month, mostly from Twilight’s extended family. It looks like he’s trying to reduce the government’s deficit, after he spent way too much of the government’s money hosting lavish parties for everypony. I’m glad to be in Manehattan, especially since I’m not a pony.
I Get Asked How My Ogres and Oubliettes Character Is EvilAfter another session of Ogres and Oubliettes of a long series of adventures, my husband Puzzle Box asked me, “How is your character even evil? She’s been doing nothing but good things so far!” I pointed my hoof at the character sheet. “‘Evil’ is written right here on Peerless Archer’s character sheet and backstory!”, My husband continued arguing, “She put herself at risk and defeated the evil Creature of Ruin threatening the Kingdom of Fun!” “She lives there, and it'd spread to other kingdoms! Also, evil villains stab each other in the back all the time, when it benefits them. She was taking a calculated risk that succeeded and got our party’s characters more influence and power and items.” I enthusiastically continued, “It helps with her long-term scheme to replace the government with her Evil Party forever. Once she does that, she’ll do all sorts of evil things, such as pranking her loyal subjects, imprisoning anycreature that poses a threat to her, and letting everycreature in the kingdom make out without even being engaged.” He looked baffled, and said, “The first one’s only bad if her subjects are harmed by it. And that last one isn’t even evil, but that explains some things. Seriously, what did your parents teach you in homeschool?” I blink, and ask “It isn’t evil? Then why does that stallion with that megaphone and billboard keep saying that it’s evil?” My husband looked at me, confused, and responded, “That’s just his opinion, it isn’t evil. But that explains a lot.” Wait, what! Making out wouldn’t have even been evil? Twilight, Luna, and Celestia or the guards weren’t going to lock me up if I got caught doing that before getting engaged? He continued, “Peerless Archer rescued that filly from a monster!” “It helped with her long term evil plan. Peerless took precautions to keep her party safe, and got experience points for it.” “Okay, but name one evil thing your character actually did.” I put my foreleg on the table and stated, “She killed that bipedal goat monster, and convinced everypony else in her party to help her.” “That was Asriel, the King of the Monsters! It was the Last Boss of the Ominous Caverns! It was scary and enormous, and it led all of those monsters that were trying to kill us!” How doesn’t he understand what evil is? “Yeah, but just look at this picture!”, I exclaimed, picking up the game manual, flipping to the page with his adorable picture and my doodles in the margins, and held it up. “He had these cool, sharp fangs and horns, and cute, soft, fluffy white fur! And our party just ambushed him with poison, and killed him for the money, materials, and the extra experience points. He was minding his own business, and our party broke into his Labyrinth. Peerless could have avoided killing him, but she didn’t care. Nopony even checked if he had friends or family!” I continued yelling, “Evil isn’t just about villainous speeches, evil actions that horrify everycreature, or grand villainous schemes, even if many of the threats to Equestria did that! It’s also about less obvious things, such as being selfish or indifferent. As well as treating other creatures like they aren’t fellow creatures, or not caring about them or wanting them to suffer just because they’re different from you, or not somecreature close to you!” “It would have gone after us if we stole its hoard and left it alive.” He had a point. “Maybe?” I slammed a hoof on the table, and continued making my point, “Another thing! Peerless Archer is a disguised, unreformed changeling, who’s secretly stealing love from her party members and lying to them!” “Her party members aren’t being hurt. And maybe he would accept her if they knew. And she could always reform.” “But Peerless doesn’t know if they’ll accept her; she’s sure they’ll kill her! And stop metagaming!” He looked worried, “You’re not a changeling, right?” “Nope!”, I exclaimed, giggling. “I’d still love you if you were one. Even an unreformed one.” “Thanks, but I’m not one. ” I said, and put on a fake smile, nuzzling him, then grinned, and exclaimed, “I’d tell you if I was a changeling. Then we could have all sorts of fun! I could make some pretty hilarious impressions, like the time Princess Celestia got drunk and sent her royal guards to the moon for their opinions about bananas!” I’m less than a changeling. While he isn’t looking, I frown. Even the changelings are now accepted by everycreature in Equestria. I can’t legally be a citizen of Equestria, and it isn’t even a crime to send me or my former sisters to the Mirror Pool. He burst out laughing and looked at me, so I faked a smile again. “What’s so funny?” “Peerless Archer. Her name didn’t just mean that she was talented. She also thought she was alone and had no peers.” I laughed, then shouted, “Well, duh!”
I Sense Something's Wrong in PonyvilleI woke up early one morning in my apartment, next to my sleeping husband. I feel a terrible sense of unease and wrongness that was a doozy. That’s definitely my Finger Food Sense, but that’s the first it felt like that. It didn’t feel like fun. This sense wasn’t even sadness, boredom, or pain! The feeling was more like emptiness, and it seemed stronger whenever I turned towards Ponyville. My back right leg twitched three times, too, when I thought about going to Ponyville. If I remember correctly, that means… I softly exclaim so as not to wake him, “There’s free Maneican food? In Ponyville? That can’t be right.” I write a note for my husband saying that I was going on a short visit to Ponyville to investigate some things. I put it on the nightstand where I usually leave notes. It stood next to other things that made me happy: a tiny piece of mica rock, a crude wooden sculpture of a starfish covered in light pink dots, as well as a pot of imitation felt hydrangeas that he bought. Looking at those mementos, I smile. I was terrible at wood carving when I started, but keeping my first attempt makes him happy, which makes me happy! And the real ones that he used to buy were delicious. He said that they were the same beautiful light blue as my eyes, and he hoped that these flowers would last forever, just like our marriage. Well, ponies like us don’t live forever, but I’m still planning to try for both of us! If I make more friends that can use the rest of the Elements of Harmony, then it might be possible to repeat Starswirl the Bearded’s spells. I can be Laughter, Puzzle Box can be Magic, Maud can be Honesty if she’s cool with becoming an alicorn, and then I just need to find ponies that embody the other three Elements! We would just need to steal the Elements, as well as steal the Alicorn Amulet or anything else that lets anypony cast powerful spells. Twilight hasn’t mentioned anything about immortality in the books and research papers that she’s published, probably because she wants everypony else to be mortal. And if my first plan doesn’t work, I have backup plans such as becoming a lich. Preparing to go to Ponyville, I called in sick for my job, put on my caterer’s outfit, saddlebags, as well as a cloak as a disguise, then I went to the train station to go to Ponyville. I arrived in Ponyville, and quickly galloped out of the train station. Looking around, I wasn’t sure what the wrongness was. Catchy dance music was coming from somewhere. A pair of horrifyingly familiar light blue eyes popped up from nowhere, staring at me. Pinkie Pie asked, “Do I know you from somewhere?” I said in a way that she would find as boring as possible, “I don’t believe we have. I’m only visiting.” “You look strong and you have an awesome cloak! Are you a wrestler? Or a superhero?” “No.” A look of recognition appears on her face. Oh, no. She enthusiastically asks, “Wait, are you Maud’s old study buddy from University? The one from ethics class, who had a pet mica rock? She mentioned you in her stand up routine!“ How does she know so much about Maudileena? She excitedly went on, ”Anyway, you picked a great time to visit! Princess Flurry Heart’s throwing a grand opening party for her new restaurant Maneican Bell, and there’s free music and food. They’re giving away ManeFlurries, desserts, and Maneican food such as quesadillas and burritos. You’d probably love it! Just follow the music! Oh, and Rarity’s holding a fundraiser for the orphanage!” I frown. It’s a good thing that Pinkie Pie emotionally matured and learned that she couldn’t be in two places at once, I read all about it in the Journal of Friendship, and heard it from outside the library when I was hiding in a barrel, I think sarcastically. Hopefully, all those quesadillas and their cheesiness will keep Twilight far away from Ponyville, if the tabloids are right. I know that the Journal of Friendship says that she got over her fear of ladybugs, but it didn’t say anything about quesadillas. ”Oh, sorry! Maud said that you never talked about your family. Are you an orphan?”, she rudely asked. That depends on what your definition of orphan is. I answer, “No, but my husband and I were thinking of adopting one. We aren’t able to have children.” I keep frowning. Why do I keep blurting out things without thinking about it? I should have lied! That’s super specific, and makes it easier to find out where I live from government records! But maybe it’s a good thing if she takes pity on me and thinks I’m not evil, if she ever finds out I’m her Mirror Pool clone. And why are we still talking? “By the way, which do you like more? Cinnamon or butterscotch?” I continue giving uninterested responses, “Cinnamon, I guess.” She frowned, and asked, “You don’t dislike butterscotch, do you?” “It’s alright?” She exclaimed, “Here! I baked some Cinnamon Butterscotch pies this morning. Have some free pie! She hoofed over six pies, and I absentmindedly took them and put them away below my mane. Celestia damn it, did she notice the way I put the pies away? I blurted out, “Wait, why did you even ask, if it didn’t matter? And it isn’t even Pi Day!” She responded enthusiastically, ignoring my question. “I’m just glad you like cinnamon and butterscotch! They’re delicious! I’ve been baking and giving away free pies since 3 am.” Annoyed, I pointed my freed up hoof at her face and asked, “What would I even do with six pies?!” “I’m not sure, but my Pinkie Sense told I should give you at least five pies, and I have no idea why! And I made it a Baker’s Five and gave you one more. Maybe you’re supposed to share them with your friends or family, or bring them to a potluck?” Her Pinkie Sense, too? Nothing about this day makes sense! “Oh. Well, thanks. I’ve got to go. Bye!” “Bye!” I galloped away. I overheard her say, “Hey! Can you stop by Sugarcube Corner later?” I pretended that I didn’t notice what Pinkie said, turned around a corner, and sped up. Thankfully, she didn’t follow me. I bumped into Lyra when I was looking around Ponyville. I gave her one of the pies when we apologized to each other. Thankfully, she didn’t recognize me and I didn’t tell her my name; that was still the nickname that I overheard her mention back then. It took over a decade, but I finally found that mare again and showed that her that I wasn’t annoying! I go to Carousel Boutique first to investigate, since there weren’t many ponies there. Rarity was crying. I ask her, “Is something wrong?” Maybe she knows something about the disaster, but I doubt it. She said, “Yes. This is the worst possible thing! Why is every Prince from Canterlot such a horrible stallion? Ponies are saying that several clones of him were galloping around Ponyville, and not even one showed up to help! And almost everypony went to his daughter’s party instead of my fundraiser for the orphanage! I’m going to write an article about why he’s such a villain, and send it to every newspaper and magazine I know!” I frown. Damn that Prince to Tartarus, and whatever his reasons are. Now everypony will be thinking about clones from the Mirror Pool, and the spell to banish them. I decide to pretend to be a good pony, and reason out loud “Maybe he isn’t a terrible pony. Maybe he just forgot, and he made some honest mistakes, or he needed to use the Mirror Pool because of an emergency?” I take out twice the minimum suggested donation of bits out my saddlebags, and place them as a donation in the donation box, for her to see. Trying to helpfully think of an alternative, I throw out ideas and encouragement. “I think this can still be fixed. This event is about helping the orphans. Prince Shining Armor causes a lot of problems, but he’s solved many of them by throwing bits at it and hoping his problems go away. And the orphanage sounds like it really needs those bits.“ Forcing myself to make a compassionate looking face, I say “Maybe you could write him a letter politely explaining your problems, and ask if he could help with another fundraiser? And if he doesn’t help, maybe Princess Twilight Sparkle could help? Isn’t she one of your best friends, and his sister? At least try that, before burning bridges.” Hopefully, tricking Rarity into thinking that I’m a generous creature like her will help me if her friends ever find out that I’m a clone. “I suppose you’re right. I’ll write a letter to Twilight. I can’t stand the thought of talking with him right now. How should I thank you? I know! Your tie sticks out like a sore thumb. If you come back later, I could make you a new one, on the house!” Somepony else in Manehattan can tell me what’s wrong with my tie, instead. I’m leaving as soon as I end this wrongness. I lie, “That sounds great! If nothing else comes up, I’ll be there!” Author's Note A/N: The events of this chapter happen in late fall, around the time of the finale of the last season of Friendship is Magic. Writing the first draft of it on Pi Day was a coincidence.
I’ll Light up the Dark Forest with a Giant Party!A familiarly shaped wisp of magic smoke flew away from a run-down building surrounded by royal guards, but it was blue instead of pink this time. In addition to the wrongness that my Finger Food Sense was telling me out, I also had a horrible sense about what would happen to me. That sense grew stronger when I faced towards the building surrounded by royal guards. It wasn’t hard to guess what that horrible fate would be. From inside the building, I heard a mare yelling loudly enough for me to hear, “Do you like bananas!” A chorus of stallions roar, “No!” A royal guard ordered, “You should stay away from this building, citizen. Princess Flurry Heart is interrogating the clones of Shining Armor to find the real one, and she’s sending the clones back to the Mirror Pool.“ I frown. I’m obviously not a citizen, but I have fake ID if I need it. How do those stallions even remember hating bananas? Did somepony cast a spell that transferred memories? And what if the real Shining Armor makes a mistake and gets sent to the Mirror Pool? Princess Flurry Heart’s plan seems pretty reckless. My Finger Food Senses tell me that if I go into that building, then something horrible will almost definitely happen to me. I should just leave, now. But my Finger Food Senses also tell me that if I leave without helping those ponies, then this wrongness won’t go away, and I think it somehow means that nocreature would ever have fun again, after roughly a decade. What would the real Pinkie Pie do? She’s a hero of Equestria, and one of the Element Bearers! I chortle. Hah!. If her friends weren’t around to help her, that mare would probably try to throw a party, or make friends! Huh. Celestia damn it; she really would. I’m running out of time to stop this. I need better ideas, or I’m doomed. There’s no way it would work, especially for an evil knockoff clone such as myself. “The earth ponies are revolting!”, I heard Princess Flurry Heart yelling from inside the building. I looked around and didn’t see any other earth ponies, just pegasus and unicorn guardsponies. That’s rude! I smelled myself to check. Oh. Wow! She’s right! I’m all sweaty, my hooves are shaking, and my heart is beating super quickly! That’s the first time this has ever happened! I don’t know what I should do about this Finger Food Sense of wrongness, but I need to calm down, and stop that alicorn first. There’s not much time left. I’ll wing it. Determined, I wipe off my tears with my right forehoof, then stick it in my mouth, use my copy of Pinkie’s powers to inexplicably puff out my mane into a curly hairstyle resembling hers, and the dull greyish pink dye I was using disappears. Then, I take off my cloak and showed the guards my left hip’s cutie mark. One guard said, “Don’t joke around. I’m busy guarding this building.” “No, look at my cutie mark.” The guard ponders out loud, “Balloons? Also, that’s a weird freckle. It might be cancer.” No, that’s from when I tried to tattoo over my cutie mark a decade ago, and chickened out because I was squeamish! I glare at him, and yell, “It isn’t cancer!” How do these guards not recognize me? I look exactly like Pinkie, who helped save Equestria multiple times, all those years ago! I pretend to be enthusiastic, and smile and lie, “I’m Pinkie Pie, the Element of Laughter! When I was on my way to a costume party, my Pinkie Sense acted up.“ Pulling out my Non-Canon Party Cannon from a pocket dimension, point it away from the guards, and set it off, scattering confetti and streamers around me. That looked convincing enough. “Oh. Now I remember. You threw my wedding party!”, one pegasus with a white coat said, and sheepishly continued, “I forgot to thank you for that.” I guess I’ll pretend to recognize him. “No Problemo!” I take out five pies from my mane, and urgently plead, “I need you to deliver this pie to them!” He sternly refused, “They ordered us to stay outside no matter what. Also, I think that the Princess locked the door a few minutes ago.” He frowned, stating his reasons for refusing. ”Prince Shining Armor and Princess Flurry Heart fire anypony who disobeys orders on the spot, even if they had a good reason for doing it. I can’t afford to lose my job; I need the bits to pay for food and rent, and I can’t afford to lose my health insurance. The Princesses or the Elements of Harmony are the only exceptions to that rule.” “That sounds terrible!” He remarked dryly, “I can’t complain.” The other royal guards also refused to help for similar reasons, despite my attempts at manipulation, pleading, and bribing them with desserts or making pitifully sad faces. I don’t see anypony nearby who can help. What would Pinkie Pie do here? Trying to hype myself up, I softly lie and proclaim, “Even if this is a dark forest where everyone hides, shoots first, and asks questions later like that professor said, I’m Pinkie Pie! I’ll light up the entire forest with a huge party, with spotlights, glowsticks, and pie, and make friends with everycreature!“ Continuing with resolve, I declare that “I’m going to get into that building, and save Equestria with a party! My Pinkie Sense tells me that something super horrible will happen if I don’t! That’s a Pinkie Promise! Stick a cupcake in my eye, cross my heart and hope to die! I mean fly! Just keep guarding the building, and stay outside.” “Got it. We were already doing that.” My Finger Food Sense tells me that I’m probably doomed if I go in that building. But, I’ll do everything I can to hold on to even a one in a thousand chance of escaping, becoming immortal, stopping Twilight from sending me to the Mirror Pool, and then partying for hundreds of thousands of years with all the friends I’ll make! That’ll probably be more fun than whatever wrongness my Finger Food Sense is warning me about. I can put two and two and two together! I have the B minus from first year algebra to prove it! Don’t run or panic now. Just keep moving your hooves forward, smile, and hope that it’ll be alright. I trot towards the door, pretend to smile, then attempt to turn the doorknob with my right foreleg. Author's Note
I'm Desperately Trying to Stop a Tragedy!That guard was right; the door was locked. I don’t have much time. I bucked the locked door off of the hinges. That hurt. Did I sprain something, or pull a muscle? I kept smiling and hopped into the building, continued to imitate Pinkie Pie, and looked around at the Princess Flurry Heart and seven Prince Shining Armors. Is that goth mare's cutie mark a milkshake? How'd that happen? Anyway, lying about being Pinkie Pie is probably the safest thing I could do. Wait, my Finger Food Sense is going off and the wrongness is getting stronger. How would a lie about being Pinkie Pie make things even worse? What would happen if I did that. I’d better just tell them a bit of the truth. “Hi, I’m Finger Food! My Food senses told me there was going to be a tragedy AND free Maneican food in Ponyville today!” The wrongness is definitely from somepony within this building, so this wasn’t a pointless risk. “Oh, good, it’s the right building this time! I’m getting too old for this.” It’s a good thing I can think faster than I speak, and I can do both of those things super-fast! If Flurry Heart or Shining Armor notice that I’m Pinkie Pie’s evil clone, then I’ll lose everything I have. But maybe they won’t notice? And the sweaty, nervous looking Shining Armors’ eyes are red instead of blue. Maybe they’re possessed by an otherworldly demon, or maybe they’re just holding another cursed item? Either way, Twilight would know what to do. I should try to deescalate this. Why isn’t Twilight here when her brother’s in danger? And if the Princess decides not to banish her brother’s clones, then maybe I can stop hiding from everycreature. That’ll be so much more fun! Turning to face the goth Princess Flurry Heart, I keep up my fake smile, and yelled, “Don’t do anything hasty! You should tell Twilight that her brother was cloned and ask her to help!” Is the tragedy going to happen because of the Alicorn Amulet? Or even the “I Love Corn” choker? That last one’s influence is probably why her cutie mark is a milkshake. Her destiny and special talents are probably horribly messed up, and she’ll probably regret it when their mind altering influence disappears. Maybe their effects are the cause of this wrongness and her banishing all of the clones? Or maybe she’s perfectly fine, and just following Twilight’s advice from the book. Anyway, I can’t admit that I know the amulets and choker are cursed. She’ll think I’m trying to take them away from her. I mean, I plan to steal the amulet if I can, but I’m not stupid; I’d do it much later, when I wouldn’t be a suspect! I continued, “And probably take off those cursed looking amulets?” Twilight’s Journal of Friendship mentioned that Shining Armor was a huge nerd in college. Maybe he and his daughters like Ogres and Oubliettes? Maybe this is the pie emergency that Pinkie was worried talking about? “I know! I brought snacks, manuals, quills, and paper in case of an Ogres and Oubliettes emergency. They could form a party!”, I exclaimed, then I took out the five precut pies that Pinkie Pie gave me earlier today. I also took out my personal collection of Ogres and Oubliettes supplies from under my mane, and put them on a nearby table. The Shining Armors took down their barriers and each levitated a slice of pie towards themselves, leaving four more untouched pies. Flurry Heart was also eating a slice of pie. Good, everypony’s eating now instead of trying to exterminate the clones. Nopony laughed at my joke, though. I thought it was good. More importantly, the wrongness is gone and I can leave. But my Finger Food Senses tell me that I’m still in danger. I tried to zoom out of the room, so that I could get the buck out of Ponyville before anycreature could recognize me or send me back to the Mirror Pond, but my copy of Pinkie’s power wasn’t working. “Sorry, Princess Twilight Sparkle can’t be in Ponyville for the rest of the week. By the way, are you good at escaping from locked rooms?”, the goth Princess Flurry Heart inquired, nibbling at a slice of pie. Great! Does she like escape rooms, too? It sounds like we have something in common to talk about! Maybe we can pretend to be friends, and she won’t exterminate me the way her aunt would. “How did you guess that?! I’m the best at it! I once won Los Pegasus’s escape room championship in 10 seconds flat, then threw the gamemaster a party to celebrate how fun and difficult the puzzles were. He wasn’t sure how I got into the locked observation room, but he loved the pie!” Celestia damn it! Why do I keep blurting out random, naive things before thinking for even a second about why she was asking me about escaping? Is it because I’m Pinkie Pie’s clone? Flurry probably realized that I’m a clone, and now she knows that I’ll try to escape! She’s just as ruthless as her aunt! If I kill her now, I won't get out of here alive! And I sense that it would make the wrongness worse! Meanwhile, seven Shining Armors stood around, contentedly continuing to eat their slices of pie and doing absolutely nothing to help me, or even themselves, oblivious to their situation and my attempts to help them survive. How could they do that to a fellow Mirror Pool clone? I know! I’ll try to deescalate this, by telling Flurry and every-Shining the rest of my story about Puzzle Box, and tell some funnier jokes! “We then met and…” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Flurry Heart finish casting a spell. My fake smile disappears, replaced by my terrified expression. NO! I need to get out of the way! I still can’t zoom away! What else can I do? I can’t duck or run in time, and I’m not carrying anything big enough to block the spell! I left my only Party Cannon outside, and I gave Lyra my last pie! Accepting my inevitable demise, I ponder about it super-fast. And everypony here would just hunt me down to blast me even if I somehow escaped; they aren’t finding me funny. At least the wrongness is still gone, but I won’t be around to figure out what it even was. My husband won’t know what happened to me; he’ll think that I just vanished! Nocreature in Ponyville will even realize, or care. Furthermore, I didn’t even taste any of the free food being given out in Ponyville! Look at the positives. The debt collectors for the rest of my student loans probably won’t find me in the Mirror Pool. The princess is going to wipe out every clone without asking questions first, in some form of genocidal speedrun, but I think that the things I like about Equestria are at safe? And now I know that Prince Shining Armor isn’t some type of evil villain like the rumors say. Evil villains like myself have schemes, and we do whatever they can to make them succeed. Instead, he’s a terrible, bumbling, evil clown, and not the fun kind of clown! The stupid kind! His own daughter is wearing cursed, mind-influencing necklaces, and he probably just thinks that they’re goth accessories! He brought clone life into the world and taught them everything they knew, only for them to fail to accomplish anything, then die in terror! That clown might still get himself sent to the Mirror Pool by his own goth daughter, and the wrongness starting the same day he cloned himself makes me think that he somehow almost doomed all of Equestria without realizing it! And every-Shining just keeps standing around there doing nothing and waiting to be eradicated! I’m glad I did my best as an evil villain, unlike those useless clowns! But what was the cause of the wrongness that I was trying to stop? And why did I need five pies to stop it? Princess Flurry Heart watched as her pink ray of magic hit the evil, annoying, terrified, sweating pink magical construct, and it bloated up, then returned to the Mirror Pool as a trail of pink smoke. Author's Note This is the final chapter of a dark, tragic story set around the end of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, in a universe where Shining Armor is a Terrible Dad (competition) of Princess Flurry Heart. This story shows Shining Armor's actions from Pinkie Pie's clone's (a.k.a. Finger Food's) perspective, and describes how a potential threat to Equestria would perceive Shining Armor for interfering with her long-term plans, before being sent to the Mirror Pool. The fate of Mirror Pool Clones is left uncertain in this story, though Finger Food was pessimistic about it. I'm planning a sequel/spinoff where Twilight would find out about the situation in the Mirror Pool, and reverse the banishment. Princess Twilight Sparkle had no idea that there were any clones left, due to Finger Food hiding, and didn't realize that there were any clones in Ponyville when sending Princess Flurry Heart the steps for the spell. The dark, random comedy prequel Too Many Shining Armors (are Terrible Dads) tell more about Shining Armors, Flurry Heart's, and Twilight's thoughts and actions. The prequel is a less serious story, written in a different genre and writing style (third party limited perspective focused on Flurry Heart's thoughts and actions), and many characters are deliberately flawed in some ways. Those flaws include the ways that Shining Armor was being a terrible dad (contest link) of Princess Flurry Heart. The final chapter of the prequel contains the rest of the events in that building. This story uses a more serious writing style than its prequel (though the main character is a clone of Pinkie Pie). It contains Finger Food's thoughts on the flaws in the characters in the prequel, and mentions many of them from the perspective of a character that considers herself an evil villain. Characterization of Finger Food: Finger Food is a magical construct that has thought processes and values that aren't like ponies, and prioritize their own ability to have fun, which includes surviving for as long as possible. Because they are a clone of Pinkie Pie, they have some of Pinkie's habits, mannerisms, optimism, cheerfulness, tendency to make jokes and pop culture references, and similar abilities. She also assumes the worst case scenarios about Twilight's friends and extended family based on incomplete information available to her. Finger Food could be dangerous to all life in Equestria and beyond if she had ever succeeded at stealing artifacts, because of her prioritization of their own life, her plans to use powerful magic or cursed items and other methods to survive, as well as the corruption those items can cause. The last scenes in Ponyville take place around the time of the finale of the last season of Friendship is Magic. All characters in this story are adults. Series overview (blog post) Feedback welcome.
