Swatteam's Adventures in Ponyville.

by EggheadDash

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 1830

Swatteam1013 goes on adventures. In Ponyville.

Rarity: We have a strong love-hate relationship, very abusive on my end and your very insulting on your end,

I think it's the perfect match.

Swatteam1013: Perfect match? Which means you secretly love me. Mmm I always knew it. :3

Rarity: Incoming Shipfic.

And that's how this fic was made.

(This fic was written as a joke and is not representative of my actual writing abilites.)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-07 08:06:01 UTC

Chapter 1

“Ah, another post well-written.” Swatteam1013 closed the blogger tab, proud of the latest post on Equestria Megathreads. He was definitely proud of the copious amount of Pinkie Pie that he had managed to slip in. “Hmm...where should I go next?” he thought to himself.

Then Swat got an idea. An awful idea. Swatteam got a wonderful, awful, idea! “I know just what I'll do!” Swat thought. Swat opened a new tab in Chrome and went to DeviantArt and searched “Pinkie Pie.” After a few pages he found an image of Pinkie Pie breaking the 4th wall from “Over a Barrel.”

“Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie and I threw this party just for you!” Swat reached for his phone, recognizing that as his text tone. Strangely, though, there was no text.

“Hmm...that's weird,” Swat thought. He looked back up at the pic? Wait...had it...moved? Pinkie's hooves seemed to be in a different position.

“I never leave home without my party cannon!” Swat reached for his phone again, recognizing this as his email tone. Strangely, there was no email. Swat looked back up at the pic. Okay, this time it had definitely changed.

“What's going on?” Swat wondered aloud.

“Oh, silly,” Pinkie's voice seemed to be coming directly from the computer screen, instead of from Swat's headphones. “I'm just having a little fun.” She even moved, before his eyes.

“Did Pinkie just...talk to me?” Swat wondered aloud.

“Well DUH!!!” Pinkie said again.

“Is this some sort of elaborate flash animation?” Swat wondered to himself.

“DUH!!! No!!!” Pinkie Pie said. “And if you think I can't hear your thoughts, I can!” she yelled. Without further ado Pinkie leaped toward the screen. Swat was still trying to figure out what was going on as the pink pony flew out of the computer screen and hit him straight in the face, causing both of them to fall out of the chair.

“Swatteam!” Pinkie exclaimed! “We have to hurry! Ponyville is in trouble, and only you can save it!” She grabbed his hand. Swat only had a moment to wonder how she could do that with hooves before she lept toward the computer screen, taking him with her.

***

“Uh...” Swatteam1013 groaned. “What just happened?” He sat up and rubbed his head. Something didn't look right. The world seemed a whole lot more...colorful. And he wasn't in his bedroom, he was...outside Sugar Cube Corner?  Swat didn't care how he got there; at last, he was in Ponyville, and outside Pinkie's house too!

Swat jumped up as quickly as he could and leaped for the door. “Where is Pinkie Pie?” he demanded from everypony who would listen.

“Oh,” Mrs. Cake, who was in the kitchen baking responded nervously. “She just went to the grocery store to get some...uh...ingredients! Please don't hurt me...”

“Don't worry, Mrs. Cake!” Swat declared. “I will not hurt you, as you have done Swatteam1013 a great service, for you have told him the location of Pinkie Pie! Now I must go to the store!”

***

“Ow...” Swatteam1013 moaned. “My neck hurts, my back hurts, and my hip hurts. Actually, every part of my body hurts.” But Swat wasn't deterred, for he had made it to the store.

“Hmm...let's see,” came a voice from the other side of the store. “We've got an eye of a newt, some cinnamon, bread, butter, chocolate icing, seapony tears, and provolone! That's everything!” Swat turned his head to see his beloved Pinkie Pie throw some bits at the cashier and walk out of the store with a bag of items.

“Wait! Pinkie Pie! I'm here for you!” Swat raced out of the store and spotted Pinkie just at the top of some stairs. She would be his at last! He put his right foot on the first step, and lifted his left foot to put on the second step, but instead, it caught the first step and he tripped! Try as he might to get up, Swat was so exhausted from his trip to the store that he could only wiggle around awkwardly on the steps. He gave up and looked up to see Pinkie's tail disappear from his vision. She was gone.

“No! Pinkie! Come back! I love you! I'm supposed to help you save Ponyville!” Swatteam shouted, but it was no use. She was out of earshot.

“Oh my gosh it's a human!” Swat couldn't turn around to see who was talking, but he knew exactly who it was.

“Lyra, I've told you all that human stuff was nonsense OH MY GOD.”

“I told you, Bon-Bon, it really is true! Humans exist after all! You and everypony else told me I was wrong but I was right! Haha!” Lyra teleported to Swat's side. “This one looks badly injured though. Let's take him back to the flat. I think he needs major surgery!”

“No, uh...Lyra,” Swat pleaded, “I don't need major surgery. I just need to rest for a few minutes and I'll be fine....” It was no use. Lyra produced a stretcher from nowhere and hoisted him onto it, and Swatteam1013 was off to Lyra and Bon-Bon's apartment.

***

“Why do I always end up in situations where I'm groaning in pain...” Swatteam wondered allowed. He opened his eyes to see that he was on an...operating table?

“Aw, I see my little patient has awoken,” Lyra said evilly, taking out a scalpel and chainsaw. “Your hands seem to be infected. The doctor recommends a double-amputation! MUHAHAHA!”

“No! Doctor Lyra! I don't need amputation! I'm fine now! I just needed some rest!”

“Now, now, my little human. Don't worry, you'll be fine, and you won't feel a thing!” Lyra lifted her hoof and struck him in the face, and he knew no more.

***

“There, there, little creature. You're safe now.” Swat was feeling woozy, but at least that voice didn't sound like Lyra. Swat slowly sat up.

“Am I in Fluttershy's Cottage?” Swat wondered allowed. He looked at his hands to see that, thankfully, he still had them.

“Oh, yes, little creature,” Fluttershy said, “and you're doing much better now that I've nursed you back to health. You sure did sleep awfully, though. Has something been troubling you?”

“Oh, uh...no. I'm fine,” Swat replied. “I just had this really bad dream about Lyra wanting to cut off my hands.”

“Oh my gosh. That's terrible,” Fluttershy replied. “It would really be awful if that really happened, and the CBI had to kick down Lyra's door, rescue you, and throw Lyra in an insane asylum, right?”

“Uh...yeah. Right.”

“It's okay, though, 'cause none of that ever happened, and you're fine now. Probably. Anyway, I started to make you some hot chocolate, but I have to go feed the animals now. If it's ready before I'm back, it'll be on the counter in the kitchen. Feel free to get up and get it, or just look around. Just remember to stay out of my shed, okay?”

Swat's heart sank. “Oh...yeah. Sure. I'll keep that in mind.”

“Great! Fluttershy sang as she trotted out the door. “Stay safe!”

Swat got up and instantly recognized that he was on the green cot that Fluttershy slept on in “The Stare Master” as the Cutie Mark Crusaders snuck by her. The living room was exactly the same too, with a little spiral stair in the middle. He went up the stairs and found himself in the same room where Sweetie Belle and Fluttershy sang “Hush Now, Quiet Now,” with the same bed that Fluttershy had slept naked in. He thought about rolling around on the naked Fluttershy bed, but that would be too weird, even for him., though he might have considered it if it was Pinkie. Fluttershy was voiced by Andrea Libman, too, so that counts for something, right?

Swat went back downstairs to look for his hot chocolate in the kitchen. He found it on the counter, right where Fluttershy said it would be. He poured some into a mug he found in a cabinet. He sat in a chair and drank his hot chocolate, and MAN, was it some good hot chocolate-the best hot chocolate that Swatteam1013 thought he had ever had. As Swat enjoyed some delicious Fluttershy hot chocolate he saw a little white creature in the corner of his vision. Angel Bunny hopped up into his lap.

“Oh, hey Angel,” Swat said. “Did you know that Fluttershy makes some really good hot chocolate?”

Angel nodded his head and extended his paw, as if asking for a sip.

“Now, now, Angel,” Swat replied. “I'd totally let you have a sip, but I really don't want your bunny germs in my hot chocolate. But I'll make sure Fluttershy makes one for you when she gets back-”

Swat was interrupted by Angel pounding on his arm with his back paw, somehow causing his hot chocolate to go flying. Swat and Angel both lept into the air, grabbing for the hot chocolate. Swat wrapped his fingers around the mug just as he hit the ground.

“Yes! Touchdown!” he exclaimed as the mug flew out of his hands and into Angel's. “Or an...interception...” he moaned. Angel took a drink, leaving Swat to mourn his loss. Swat sighed as he got up and walked out of Fluttershy's cottage, hands in his pockets. Maybe he could find her and ask her to make another one?

As Swat rounded the corner of Fluttershy's cottage he found himself face to face with a nondescript brown shed, with a pipe chimney coming out of one side. Swatteam reeled in horror for about half a second before that horrible curiosity set in. He didn't have to necessarily go in the shed, he could just open the door and take a peek. He grabbed the doorknob and braced himself for the horrors he was about to witness. He turned the doorknob. “Here goes nothing.” With a deep breath he opened the door.

Instead of seeing mangled small woodland creature, Swat found himself staring at...tools? There were shovels, hammers, and garden hoes, but no corpses. There wasn't even a chainsaw. Then again, why would Fluttershy want to cut down her own kind?

Suddenly, Fluttershy pounced out of a nearby bush. “I knew you'd try to go into my shed, you tresspasser!” she shouted and began to beat him with a rake.

“What the hell, Fluttershy?” Swat asked, trying to run away and dodge the blows, but he wasn't very successful.

“I nurse you back to health, I make you hot chocolate, and all I ask that you stay out of my shed? What the hell is wrong with you?” Swat ran as fast as he could off Fluttershy's property, with her beating him the entire way. She finally stopped as he got into the road. “And never come back!” she yelled.

Swat wobbled, trying to stay on his feet. At least he wasn't knocked out this time. With little else to do, he decided to go to Sugar Cube Corner.