A Rusty Reprieve

by deadpansnarker

Rating: everyone
Tags: Cozy Glow, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3369

On the eve of being frozen in stone like her co-conspiritors in evil Tirek and Chrysalis, Cozy Glow gets an unexpected guest from her recent past who wants to plead her case. What follows is... surprising to say the least.

On the eve of being frozen in stone like her co-conspiritors in evil Tirek and Chrysalis, Cozy Glow gets an unexpected guest from her recent past who wants to plead her case. What follows is... surprising to say the least.

Published 2024-03-16 12:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-03-16 12:20:00 UTC

A Bucket From The Blue.

Shamefully stripped of all their powers, ambitions and pride…the time had finally come… their fate was well and truly sealed… Discord and the Two Sisters were ready to deliver a final magical verdict that would endure throughout all of eternity… with Twilight Sparkle and her friends in the gallery as the sole witnesses who would see it all happen…

In fact, some less serious ponies might even say it was ‘set in stone’ (hint: Cheese Sandwich during one of his ‘hilarious’ stand-up routines that no self-respecting pony would pay to see).

Not quite the illustrious destiny they’d so desperately fought for, clung to, backstabbed each other towards and utilised every wicked resource available to them to achieve, which was the complete annihilation of Friendship and totalitarian rule over all of Equestria. Bwhahaha!

Instead, a trio of flop wannabe villainous ‘conquerors’ had nothing to look forward to, apart from being stared at by curious schoolchildren out on day-trips, the odd bit of unsightly moss growth and being used as a granite toilet by the local avian population.

To sum up, then… having suffered ignominious defeat by those blasted do-gooder ponies for what was surely the last time, the so-called Legion Of Doom (more like, Legion Of Gloom to the impending sense of despair they all currently felt) would be encased in pure granite until… who knows when? A bit later than next Friday, put it that way.

All attempts at redemption had proved futile. All other efforts at punishing them seemed ineffective. And so the only permanent solution to their perpetually evil ways was to petrify them. Together. In probably the most gross multi-creature monolith ever known to creaturekind, like the deranged carving a crazy sculptor might create whilst simultaneously experiencing a nervous breakdown.

Oh wait: I haven’t told you their names yet, have I? As if you didn’t know their infamous identities already. You read the papers, don’t you? What do you mean you cancelled your subscription last week because a certain cross-eyed delivery mare kept leaving it in your fishpond instead of your front porch?!

Fine… I’ll humour you ingrates just this once. We have: Tirek, who betrayed his own brother and tried absorbing all magic from the land. Chrysalis, the usurped Changeling queen who desired to suck each trace of love from every lifeform on the planet. Then of course, we have Cozy Glow, possibly the most diabolically fiendish of the lot, who…

Well… we don’t exactly know where she came from, who her family is or if ‘Cozy Glow’ is even her real name (what a comforting moniker like that has to do with a cold, hard chess piece is anypony’s guess) but we do know she’s bad. Rotten to the core, in fact. You want the X-rays to prove it?

How else do you explain her appalling treachery of those lovable adventurous tykes the Cutie Mark Crusaders (twice), her thankfully failed heist of all power in the world to become Empress of Equestria and her subsequent complete absence of any hint of remorse or regret for her heinous crimes?

I say: despite her relatively tender years and ingratiating personality, this empathy-free zone of a filly has more than earned her place in eternal obelisk slumber alongside her equally guilty but much older fellow cohorts of wickedness.

So it was that the peach-coloured lightly-freckled pegasus watched poor Tirek and Chrysalis get frozen in time nearby with nary a word of contrition from either. The self-proclaimed ‘oasis of self-control’ found herself pulling an expression of abject horror and fear, as she felt the powerful combined sealing spell of Luna, Celestia and that damn deceptive draconequus almost reach her like a grey tide of pure oblivion.

Where did it all go so wrong? Why did my genius plans never reach fruition? She lamented in vain, as the three-part masterwork of masonry was almost complete. Was I not cunning enough? Did I lay on the sickly-sweet charm too much? Maybe I should’ve incapacitated more of those stupid ponies as an all-powerful alicorn, instead of having them turn on each other. Whatever the reason for my humiliating defeat, guess I’ll have plenty of time to think about it where I’m heading. If only they could’ve seen my true supreme vision and embraced me instead of embattling me… if only…

“Hold everything there!!”

A commanding voice echoed throughout the field, one aged yet resplendent with knowledge and dignity, so much so that even the two princesses and Discord suspended their important task to stare around them in confusion. Twilight Sparkle and her crew also wondered who had the absolute cheek to interrupt their big moment of victory, the answer to which came hobbling over on a wooden stick, wearing a broken pail as a helmet and a brown rag of an outfit over his hunched back.

The quivering Cozy Glow, all ready to be blasted into extinction, moved her hooves away from her tear-filled eyes to stare with intrigue at this unexpected arrival. Wait a second… that wobbling gait… that grey frizzy mane… that unshaven face fuzzle… those appalling fashion choices... do I know him from somewhere?

“Hello, thanks for waiting for me. Those ancient bones ain’t getting any younger!” The elderly earth pony stallion puffed and panted as he approached the nonplussed crowd of ponies around him, coming to a wheezing stop just in front of a bewildered Twilight. “Hi there, Miss Sparkle. Huge fan! I must say, your book about friendship I ordered via long-distance mail got this old-timer through many a long, lonely night on that far-off freezing hill. One can only talk to so many giant venomous spiders and arctic wolves before losing one’s mind. Which ain’t a good thing, let me tell ya!”

“U-Um… thanks, I guess?” Twilight didn’t know what else to say, as she addressed the grateful senior stallion with perplexed gratitude.

“Excuse me, but if that’s all you came to say sir, perhaps you can save the rest until later? We’re kind of in the middle of the ‘punishment’ phase of our regular ‘saving the world’ jamboree, you know?” Celestia took a step forward, unsure about his motives for intruding at such a crucial juncture.

“Celestia! Don’t ya recognise me? You’re the one who posted me all the way out at Mount Everhoof many years ago, to guard that off-the-map snowy monstrosity! When I volunteered for the task, I didn’t realise it would mean I’d have to give up any hopes of ever having a wife ‘n’ kids… I mean, who’d want to live with me in such a heat-deprived monster-infested spot in such inhospitable wilderness? But it was all worth it, right? What I was protecting up there was well worth trading my entire hopes and dreams for, correct?”

A flash of recognition crept across Celestia’s face momentarily, and her whole body shook as if she was atop that freezing peak herself. “H-Hang on just a minute. Y-You’re…”

“Who is it, dear sister?” Luna hadn’t seen her all-powerful sibling reduced to such a stammering shell in a long time, and pressed her for details.

“The name’s Captain Rusty Bucket ma’am, and may I just say how pleased I am to finally make your acquaintanceship! Ya see, while ya were up there catching some z’s on the moon, your sister here in all her infinite wisdom decided to post a singular guard at the base of Mount Everhoof, and being the patriotic sort I jumped at the chance to serve my country. I was told my tenure would be for five years at the most before I was relieved… but then that became eight… then twelve… then twenty… I think that’s when I started to lose count. The biting wind and below-zero temperatures ‘round those parts play havoc with your head after a while…”

“Just a moment. You’re telling me… my sister forgot all about you after you were assigned, in that miserable place in the middle-of-nowhere, for almost your entire life?!” Luna reacted with horror at this shock revelation of her sibling’s inexcusable absent-mindedness, as Celestia herself looked down at the ground with guilt and shame.

“Yes Sirree! Still, ‘you can’t get the time back’ as I always say, and ‘holding a grudge is worse than clinging onto a Tatzlwurms’s tail’ as it tells us in Twilight’s book. Anyway, I’m retired now, and what with there being no need to guard that darn mountain no more, the whole world is my oyster! I’ve just collected my last payment cheque for decades and decades and decades of back-breaking service; a lot more zeros on there than I would’ve guessed. And then, the nice gal at the remittance office who gave it to me told me something… hold on whilst I remember what it is… ‘fraid my memory ain’t what it used to be…”

Whilst Rusty Bucket ummed and arred in the background, Luna took the opportunity to admonish her sister through the gentle art of whispering. “Tia, how could you? Leaving such a kind old gentlecolt to rot for years on end in such an awful location as well. I suppose you have a bit of past history for that sort of thing, but the difference is I’m an everlasting alicorn and can take the odd millenia in solitude, but he can’t! Also, I was being punished for something terribly wrong I did back then, when all he wanted to do was serve his country!”

“I know, I know, okay! I’m sorry!” Celestia to her credit, did not deny any of the incendiary allegations made directly at her door, but maybe was apologising to the wrong pony. “It’s just I was busy with the small task of running Equestria alone, and had plain forgotten all about this eager young soldier straight out of the academy I sent to the other side of the world to guard the Bewitching Bell aeons ago. That’s not an excuse, it’s a fact! But don’t worry, I’ll make things right with him… somehow…”

“Ah, now I recall why I hot-stepped all the way sharpish over here to see you after claiming all my bits!” A dim light bulb seemed to flicker briefly above Rusty Bucket’s wrinkled head, and a toothless grin covered his geriatric features. “...And it has to do with that little filly over there. The one you’re about to turn into a highly decorative garden gnome, by the looks of things.”

“M-Me?” Cozy Glow spoke for the first time, the exact second the disparate pieces in her head connected together to form an image of where she’d seen this old stallion last. B-But that’s the senile nincompoop who somehow repeatedly foiled my attempts at grabbing that bell. What could he possibly want…

“C-Cozy Glow??” The other ponies in attendance (not forgetting a dragon and a draconequus) spoke in unison. They were even more confused now, if that was even possible.

“Yes, that’s her name… Cozy Glow. The ‘sweet’ little madam who wandered up my path one lonesome day, pretending to be my friend, when all she wanted to do was get past my checkpoint. She was also the best pony I’ve ever seen at causing major avalanches, but that’s another story.” The elderly stallion stopped briefly to wink at the befuddled pegasus, before turning back to Celestia.

“Anyhoo, the gal I was telling you about at the office… she was a bit of a history buff, and kindly told me about this ancient decree I’d never heard of before contained within something called the Royal Charter. It states that once every hundred years the most loyal and long-standing veteran of the Princess’s armed forces gets to have a wish granted. Now, I was a bit sceptical at first, but the nice gal printed off a copy of the charter before I left, and it’s all true. Here, I brought it along with me now if you want to check.”

Rusty Bucket swiftly unfurled a scroll that an expectant crowd quickly gathered around with curiosity… and there it was in black and white, ink on parchment. ‘Thou most dedicated and steadfast soldier shall be granted…’ I think you can guess the rest, old-timey writing notwithstanding.

“B-But I don’t even remember writing that rule! I’ve never even enforced it before! Wait, was it you?” Celestia cast an accusatory glance at her sheepish younger sibling, who returned her firm stare with a guilty look along the lines of ‘it could’ve been’...

“It doesn’t matter who wrote it, it’s part of the original constitution. And adding up all the hours and days and weeks and months and beyond I spent on constant duty since signing up, I think there’s only one clear winner here by a landslide. Do the calculations if you like with your younger minds, but I guarantee you’ll reach the same conclusion. Which neatly brings me to why I’m here today… for my ‘reward’, I want to adopt… her.”

Rusty Bucket pointed a quivering hoof at the about-to-be-cast-into-eternal-stone demon filly in question, and Cozy Glow’s mouth dropped so far it nearly hit the depths of her former home way down in Tartarus. W-What’s going on? W-What is he saying? This weird old guy wants me to be his… daughter?

Immediately, especially from Twilight and her friends, strong voices of protest could be heard, all merging into one giant chord of disapproval. “You can’t do that! She’s pure evil! She almost destroyed Equestria! Twice! She’s a vile sociopath who can never be reformed! Besides, won’t the statue look strange with only two figures on it? Talk about lopsided.”

Celesia took heed of the angry noise surrounding her, waiting patiently for it to die down, before motioning Rusty Bucket and an utterly perplexed Cozy Glow to step forward. “I have reviewed the charter and listened to your request, as well as taken on board the obvious concerns of my closest friends. Under the circumstances though, I see no reason why I can possibly refuse. Therefore, as one of my last major acts before I officially step down, your petition is therefore… accepted.”

“I thought it might be, considering my unstinting service to the crown and some of the other things written in the charter which I wouldn’t want to draw to the public’s attention. Thanking ya kindly.” Rusty Bucket smiled from one end of his pail to the other at his expectant success, before motioning Cozy Glow to follow him. “Come along little filly, we’ve got a long journey ahead of us if we’re gonna get home by dark. Ya can keep right on flying, or ya can rest on my back all the way. The choice is yours.”

“B-But, why? I barely even know you! And after everything I’ve done… and y’know… I do kinda have a reputation of deceiving others that get close to me you might wanna consider…” Cozy Glow was so dumbstruck over the fast pace of events of the last few minutes she blindly did as she was told for a change.

“I like ya, that’s why kid. I could tell ya had spunk when I met ya that day, right in the middle of that ungodly wasteland. Loved your winter get-up too, by the way. What I figured is neither of us has any family anymore so we can work things out together. And if ya do step out of line… there’s always the option of joining your two friends over there…!”

“Arrgh!! I’ll be good! I’ll be good!!” Recognising that perhaps any fate was better than being a permanent stone monument to the perils of falling in with the wrong crowd, Cozy Glow saw she had no real choice but to tow the line for now. “B-But what will the papers say? And I don’t want to live in that derelict old hut at the base of Mount Everhoof, please. The chilly weather would play havoc on my delicate complexion.”

“ Huh! Who reads the tabloids these days? Load of stuff and nonsense, if you ask me. Let ‘em print what they like. And didn’t ya hear what I told Celestia, little filly? I said I’d retired now, so ya and me are gonna be living large in a nice little townhouse in Manehattan away from all that intolerably cold climate. There’s lots to see and do there, you’ll be attending a good private school for rambunctious fillies that’ll do wonders for your errant behaviour… and best of all…”

“...What?”

“... I won’t even ask you to change your name to Cozy Bucket. Get it?”

For some reason, Cozy found that rather lame joke absolutely hilarious and as the two new family members left the others far behind them whilst discussing their future plans together, a mob of predictably outraged ponies (with Discord and Spike to hoof) loudly surrounded Celestia, unstinting in their condemnation of her impromptu declaration.

“This… feels wrong.” Fluttershy commented.

“That’s because it is wrong.” Rainbow Dash frowned.

“Are you sure you’ve really thought this through, darling?” Rarity enquired.

“Do you reckon she'll truly reform now?” Applejack asked sceptically.

“Why do I feel this isn’t gonna end well…” Pinkie Pie was oddly pessimistic.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this…” Spike similarly gulped in fear.

“Cellie, my dear… I do realise you’re getting on a bit in years now… but there’s no need to show yourself succumbing to late-stage monarch madness quite this much.” Discord was commonly candid about the white alicorn’s big decision.

“C-Celestia. I… don’t know what to say. I never thought in a million years that you would…” Twilight wanted a convincing explanation… any explanation to stop her world falling apart by losing even a scintilla of the hero worship she’d held towards her former teacher.

“Ponies, ponies. Settle down! If you’ll just give me a moment.” Celestia raised her hoof until the general volume was finally decreased, before she resumed speaking once more. “First of all, no matter how bad her crimes, and they were bad, it always did seem a bit morally dubious to imprison a mere filly in solid rock for all of eternity. Also, I owed it to old Rusty Bucket for all the time I neglected him so far away, and I happen to know that school he’s sending Cozy Glow to… it’s called St Whinnieans. Trust me, it’s no picnic. If anything can straighten her out once and for all, it’s them.”

“D-Dear Tia, about the charter. I apologise profusely for…” Luna was ready to ‘fess up and take responsibility for her action.

“It’s okay, Luna. That special document was inscribed during the early days of our reign together thousands of years ago, when neither of us had a clue what we were doing. I myself might’ve impulsively put something in it about a weekday cake ban, which is another reason why I didn’t want word of it to get out. Plus some rather racially insensitive things about Changelings, a few less-than-complimentary lines about overweight yaks and possible declarations of a war to wipe out all seaponies… yes, some things are best left buried. Especially in this new era of peace and tranquility. Now, who’s going to help me lift this incomplete statue to the palace?”

Funnily enough, there were no volunteers. Still, those few that were still mumbling in dissatisfaction at what had just transpired would eventually accept the verdict and learn that all Cozy needed was a bit of genuine love, a good support network and the non-stop threat of being made a permanent garden fixture to straighten up and fly right, as common pegasi terminology goes. This would surely be the last they’d seen of her. Or was it?

Let’s just say, wiser heads haven’t stopped looking over their shoulders to this day. “Howdy y’all!!”

Author's Note

I just rewatched Frenemies for the umpteeth time (one of the best S9 episodes IMHO) and came up with this premise for a fic. :raritywink:

Rusty Bucket is a very memorable character in his interactions with Cozy despite his limited screentime (where's his tag... I demand an enquiry :fluttershbad:) and I felt like giving him the attention he so sorely lacked. :rainbowwild:

Anyway, hope you had fun. 'Til next time, then. :moustache: