Heaven is a Place and This Isn't That Place

by TheRedFox

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random
Length: 1242

What happens when you die? Twilight isn't sure, but she does know that if she buys two, she'll get one.

What happens to ponies when they die? Do they go to a good place? A bad one? Somewhere in between? Twilight hasn't been sure, but now that she's here... Well, she frankly still isn't sure.

Written for the Quills and Sofas "Coffee Shop AU" speedwriting contest. Published at the behest of Zontan. The author bears no ill will to any of the mentioned franchises and asserts they were merely the easiest ones to make horse puns out of.

Published 2024-03-16 16:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-03-16 16:10:00 UTC

They'll Never Throw it Back to You

Twilight gasped for air and shot up straight. An endless expanse of deep, dark dread surrounded her: a rolling sea of nothingness all around her. The only thing to break up the endless expanse of space around her was a small bricked structure directly ahead of her.

“Oh no.”

A large glass window was in the middle, plastered with multicolored posters. A plastic sign hung on the door proclaimed that the venue was open and ready to receive customers.

“Oh no no no.”

Attached to the rooftop was a large, glowing sign, making fluorescent lights that named the establishment as… Prancin’ Ponuts.

Twilight gulped nervously. “I’m dead, aren’t I?”

The void didn’t reply, so the alicorn ruffled her wings and entered the building. A tiny chime sounded out the opening theme to My Little Pony (not that Twilight would have known what that was, of course), and instantly she was washed with a glowing warm light and the smell of pastries.

When her vision returned to normal, Twilight found herself staring at an ever-sprawling checkered floor. Orange and pink chairs were mixed with tables in no sensible order, and littered across the tiling were crumpled napkins, spilled styrofoam cups, and somewhat ironically empty trash cans.

Twilight did what any sensible pony would have done then and headed for the counter. A tiny bell was sitting on the counter in front of the cash register, and it let out a dull and boring ring when Twilight pressed it.

Her worst fears were confirmed when Princess Luna, in an apron and visor, emerged from the back. “Ah. You’re here.”

Twilight stared at her. The alicorn princess somehow still managed to look regal, and smelled faintly of powdered sugar. “...Princess Luna?”

“I’m afraid not. Here I am…” She glanced down at her lapel and tapped a hoof on the plastic name tag there. “... Roger.”

“What?”

“May I take your order? We are offering the two for one special.”

“The… what?”

“Should you purchase two, you shall receive one.” Luna tried to smile but thought better of it quickly.

Twilight shook her head, trying to will her brain to start working again. “Princess… Where is this place?”

“Ah. This is Prancin’ Ponuts, my dear Twilight Sparkle. It is a coffee and donut train popular amongst the Eastern Coast of Equestria, renowned for the taste of its pastries and the awful quality of its coffee, as well as its name bearing somewhat… unfortunate implications these days. We also serve breakfast sandwiches. Would you like one?”

“Is this Hell?”

Luna stared at her and began to unwrap a breakfast sandwich. “It… has been mistaken for that realm, on occasion.” She turned around and placed the sandwich in a microwave, setting the timer for five minutes before turning again to face Twilight.

“Then… Then this must be purgatory,” Twilight decided, cowering under her wings. “I knew I shouldn’t have had that burrito before bed!”

“No, no, this isn’t purgatory either.” The microwave beeped, despite only five seconds having passed, and Luna removed the sandwich with her hoof. “You were a good mare, Twilight Sparkle. You would deserve nothing less than Heaven,” she said as she bit into the sandwich.

Twilight perked up. “Oh! This is Heaven!” Then, remembering where she was, slumped over again. “Please don’t tell me this is Heaven.”

“I’m afraid it is. This is what awaits those who keep their hearts pure when they depart from the mortal coil.” Luna paused to dab at her mouth with a napkin. “My! Those are hot. I believe I have burned myself again.”

Twilight pressed her cheek into the counter and stared up at Luna. “I don’t understand! I thought… I thought there were supposed to be endless fields! Angels! Peace and… and serenity! A rest for the rest of eternity!”

“And here you may receive all of those things,” Luna said.

“You’re kidding!” Twilight leapt out of her seat and gestured around at the empty, desolate building. “Luna, look at this place! How could this possibly be any semblance of heaven?! It’s… It’s disgusting, the silence is going to drive me insane, and… And there’s nobody else here!”

“Oh. Right.” Luna reached into her apron pocket and produced a cell phone, tapping an icon on the screen. The speakers in the store quickly blared to life. Twilight's ears were filled with the intro to the song Wonderwall by Oasis... not that she knew who they were or their impact on beginning acoustic guitar players.

“As for the rest, you would be correct. We used to maintain a cleaning staff, but the economy has been quite rough as of late. They were forced to seek employment elsewhere.” Luna shrugged. “Such a decision is out of my purview, sadly.”

Twilight balked. “What are you talking about? Are you saying you’re not the one in charge of… Of Heaven? You’re the Princess of the Night!”

“And I am not the Princess of Prancin’ Ponuts, though at times I wish I were.” Luna paused to put a styrofoam cup under one of the machines, pouring herself a drink. “I am afraid I am a mere franchiser.”

Twilight felt sick to her stomach at that. “I can’t believe this.” She slumped back into her chair, utterly defeated. “Rainbow was right about the whole no-faith thing. My whole life, just for this… I’d almost prefer the endless silence to THIS music!”

“I’m afraid I only have access to this song and All I Want for Christmas is You.”

“Aren’t there supposed to be other ponies here somewhere? Where are the angels you mentioned?”

“Ah, they work the day shift. I’m afraid it is only me who works the nights.” She sipped from her cup and smiled. “The coffee helps.” She offered Twilight a sip.

“Why do you keep saying that you’re afraid?”

Luna shrugged. “Because I fear many things, the very least of which include our fourth quarter projections for this establishment. The Angels may see a steep reduction in their overtime hours.” She pushed the cup towards Twilight again, and Twilight accepted, staring down at the slushy brown liquid.

“I thought you said the coffee was terrible.”

“Oh, it is, but I’m afraid we ran out of donuts, and I haven’t yet made more.”

“Why not? Isn’t it your job?”

Luna shrugged again. “I can teach you how to operate our machines, should you wish.” She pulled up an identical apron from behind the counter.

“Well… If I’ve got to spend the rest of eternity here,” Twilight grumbled, accepting the apron in her own magic. “First thing I’m doing is cleaning though, this place would give Rarity an absolute heart attack. Hey, speaking of Rarity, I’ll see her soon, right?”

Princess Luna stared at her.

“...Right?”

MEANWHILE…

Rarity came to in what looked like an empty parking lot. She groaned, rubbing the base of her head, and froze when her eyes focused on a small brick structure with large glass windows in front of her. The chorus to Wonderwall could be heard pumping from somewhere inside. “Oh my! Well… I suppose my throat is a bit parched…”

The door swung open, and she poked her head inside to see Princess Celestia behind the counter, filling a white mug with coffee. “Ah! Rarity,” she said, tugging down on her visor so Rarity could see the words Tim Horseton’s printed on the top. “Welcome to Hell!”