You are Anon. After a long adventure in Equestria and its neighboring countries, you have arrived in the Crystal Empire. Prince Shining Armor has requested your presence for some strange reason. Hopefully, he wasn’t asking you to show up because of something that you did. You decide that you’ll just wing the interview and run away if things get bad. You brought along smoke bombs just in case.
But this meeting really isn’t what you expected. “So let me get this straight. You want to adopt me, an adult human? And Cadance is okay with this?“
The Prince confidently says, “Yes and yes, Anon. We signed a treaty with our neighboring countries that states that any nations with human rulers are exempt from other countries placing tariffs on their imports. This lasts for as long as those humans live. In addition to that, properties partly owned by humans are exempt from any property taxes. That would include the entire Crystal Palace, if Cadance and I went through with the adoption.“
You object. “How would that even apply? The Crystal Empire was founded over a thousand years ago?“
He responds, “Don’t worry too much about it. Our lawyers checked; this is an airtight tax shelter. Plus, even though you’ll technically be a Prince, you have no real responsibilities; your advisors will take care of everything. You’ll get a large signing bonus, plus a large allowance every week!“
That sounds pretty great. You’ve gotten tired of your adventuring lifestyle and it seems like the time for a change of pace, but you still need a second opinion. For now, you spread out the pages of the adoption papers on the table, written in hoof runes. Your bald eagle companion looks over it and the legal opinions from the Prince’s lawyers from its perch on your shoulder. After a long pause while you pretend to review them, your legal eagle Liberty squawks affirmatively.
Enthusiastically, you proclaim, “It’s a deal!“, then take a quill, and write down the sequence of hoof runes that spells out your name. Thanks to some sort of mysterious translation spell, you can speak and understand Equestrian languages perfectly, but that spell doesn’t translate writing; Numbers, bits, and a few phrases are the extent of your Equestrian literacy. Nopony’s figured it out yet, and your eagle companion Liberty has been reading everything important on your behalf.
At your first breakfast with your new family, you are served a large tray of eggs, hay bacon, and a salad full of flowers, mixed with pieces of apples and carrots. You eat the eggs and fruit, nonchalantly leaving the pieces of hay and flowers on your tray.
This food is probably a snub by somepony here, but you won’t let it get to you. Was it Princess Cadance? Or was it your new sister Flurry Heart, the goth mare who keeps calling you a normie? The Chef? You didn’t think you made that bad of an impression on them between yesterday and breakfast. If Shining and Cadance adopted you, then obviously they knew about your dietary needs as a human, right?
You try to make small talk with Princess Cadance and Princess Flurry Heart, but you don’t think you have that much in common, and they weren’t interested in your stories.
After breakfast, you go out into the palace garden and forage for some apples, oranges, and edible herbs. You make a note to send some mail to your friends to get some protein powder, multivitamins, and maybe some meat. Until then, you can spend your bits at the frozen yogurt place which you saw on your way to the Crystal Palace.
Many days later, you’ve settled in with your new adoptive family. They’ve finally realized you aren’t a picky eater, and that humans can’t actually digest hay or most flowers. Apparently the hay and flowers weren’t a cruel joke. Your friend has also sent over the nutritional supplements that you requested.
Your retirement from adventuring gives you the time you need to practice your skills at the video game Super Smash Herds, like you’re doing right now. You think that you’ll do pretty well in a tournament coming up in Las Pegasus.
Prince Shining Armor visits you in your chambers after dinner. He asks, “Are you winning, son?“
“Yep.“
“What sort of things do you like, Anon?“
“You know. The usual things. Video games, chicks, and cider.” You turn your focus back to playing the game.
“Ok. I have the perfect idea!”
Even though this is all for tax purposes, you’re relieved that he at least attempts to be a good father.
Things seem to be going well with your new family. Princess Flurry Heart seems pretty upset that Prince Shining Armor’s spending more time with you, and barely any time with her. And you don’t have much in common with Princess Cadance, but you get along with each other.
Honestly, Shining Armor will probably run out of new father-son stuff to do soon, and the novelty will probably wear off. Plus, you think he’ll probably just emancipate you, if the treaty is rewritten to stop the way we were abusing the treaty’s tax shelter. You’re saving a lot of bits away, for when you need to move out.
After another few months, you think you’re prepared for the yearly Super Smash Herds tournament in Las Pegasus, though you’re disappointed that nopony in the castle is good enough to practice against. Prince Shining Armor is still terrible and doesn’t even know what a combo is, and Princess Flurry Heart is busy between her goth writing hobbies, public appearances, and her ongoing post-university tutoring, both magic and otherwise.
A royal guard tells you that Prince Shining Armor has called you to his office. You bring your eagle companion along for support, and leisurely walk throughout the palace and courtyards to his office while thinking about what you should do.
Did Equestria and the nobles of the Crystal Empire finally close those stupid loopholes? At least you’ve already deposited your huge pile of bits, some of it in foreign countries.
You knock on his door.
“Come in!“, Prince Shining Armor orders.
Looking around, you see a large collection of photos on his desk, all facing towards you. Unfamiliar with photography, you still think that the photographers had a good sense of color and lighting, though you’re not sure what the theme of the photo collection was supposed to be, or what some of the photos were, from this angle. Many of them had striking varieties of colors, shadows, textures, plumage, and backgrounds. If you had one complaint about the photos, it was that many of those photos were taken from too close up. That, and the few blurry, poorly lit photos that looked as bad as the selfies that amateur photographers might take.
Is Prince Shining Armor judging some sort of photography contest? Did he actually think you’d be able to help judge?
Confused, you ask your adopted father, “So why did you call me here, dad?“
He smiles and gestures at the photos. “So, what do you think of these ponies and creatures? Do you see any that you like?“
You don’t know how to respond to that question. Was he pranking you, or was he just a terrible dad? You blurt out, “What?“
He enthusiastically continues, as if he were explaining something obvious. “Well, you’re a Prince, and you’re well into your marriageable years! We’re here to discuss your marriage options!“
Being a human, you ask the obvious question. “So why are you showing me all these mares?“
“Oh.“ Your terrible father looks down, and goes on to apologize. “I’m sorry. It was rude of me to assume you liked mares without asking. Here, I also brought a folder of the stallions.” He brings out another folder from under his desk.
“No!” You vocally object to continuing this farce, startling your eagle companion that perched nearby. “You seriously couldn’t find any humans?“
He sets aside the folder, and responds. “Well, yes, but they’re no way it’d work between you and any of them. They’re all already in committed monogamous relationships, or they’re commoners! So I found some other royalty that you might still find attractive. I know you liked wings, right?“
For a second time, you glance around at the pictures of mares and other creatures. You realize that every single photograph contained an adult pony or other type of creature with wings; For reasons that you don’t understand, every photo prominently featured those wings. You swear, “Celestia damn it, I don’t!“
Then, you quickly explain your objections to Prince Shining Armor in the form of a rhyming poem with simple words, so that even he can understand it.
As a human I don’t like ponies or these birds.
Don’t assume I like wings folded inwards,
or even wings stretched outwards proud.
My hatred of these things I have loudly vowed.
I don’t like wings with bare hooves or socks,
and don’t start me on vicious griffon peacocks.
I’m sick of all these pictures of wings,
on ponies, changelings, and other things!
I’ll oppose these suggestions tooth and nail,
no more wings covered in feather, hide, or scale.
Know that I won’t start loving any wings, bright or pale,
even after quaffing many mugs of light ale!
I don’t care for wings worn with styles orthodox,
nor for these things worn with fashionable frocks.
I’m sick of your photos on the sky, land, and shore,
I can’t take your terrible parenting anymore!
Why show me solely winged ponies,
as candidates for holy matrimonies.
Didn’t some of these creatures run tyrannies?!
I won’t like these physical features, jeez.
So here, have another light quatrain,
as your suggestions are quite inhumane.
Now would you please just bucking explain,
why you’ve discussed something insane!
You’re worried he’s going to try to ’Green Eggs and Ham’ you after this poem, and try to convince you to like wings, using a heartsong. If he tries that, then you can probably use your trusty smoke bombs as a distraction, then escape through the window or door, or just plug your ears with your headphones. But seriously, though. Why did he think that you like wings?
He explains himself, “I wasn’t sure what you meant about liking chicks, so I checked the latest edition of the pony slang dictionary. ’Chicks’ usually means attractive ponies and other creatures that have wings, and almost always the mares!“
You’re astonished that he couldn’t find a human slang dictionary anywhere, but maybe it’s just that nobody’s published one yet?
You yell, “That isn’t what ’chicks’ means in human slang!”
Prince Shining Armor says, “Okay, I was just trying to be a good father and find marriage candidates that you were likely to consider. I’ll do better next time, after I get feedback!“ He continues explaining, “Obviously I can’t force another Prince to get married; Even if I was the type of pony who would do something like that, Princess Cadance wouldn’t let me!”
He explains, “We’re both adults here. The main point of a political marriage is to solidify political alliances through times of peace and war. For example, it signals to potential enemies that whatever Kingdom we’re tied to will probably send reinforcements if there is a war.“
He keeps going on, trying to sound sympathetic. “Parents like me usually at least try to find a marriage partner that their children will be able to be happy with, since we care about our children. Also, if you married a commoner instead of a noble, you might not be able to stay in the castle or keep your royal status because of what the nobles would think.“ He goes on, smiling. “Cady and I are lucky to love each other, but Celestia mostly arranged for us to get married very early on to ensure political stability when it was finally time for her to retire. Because I’m Twilight’s brother, Cady wouldn’t and didn’t try to usurp Twilight.“
Does he care about you, though?
“Again, this marriage is just to solidify political alliances. You obviously don’t have to love them at all, even if you do get engaged or married. As for children, you’d obviously have to discuss with your marriage partner about whether concubines were necessary, or if you’d adopt children into the royal family instead.” He continues, in a reassuring tone, “I know how humans get about things. You can stay in the Crystal Empire and only visit your spouse when you feel like it, and for public appearances. Besides, it’s just a meeting over cider to see if you’d like each other, or not. It isn’t anything final.”
Liberty moves from his perch, flies onto the table, squawks loudly and drools, and picks out a photo to show to you.
You see a neon green, fairy-like Breezie mare with a straight, striped blue and black mane and tail. Her translucent, white, dragonfly-like wings stand out against her long, frilly black gown. Together, her makeup and ensemble remind you of your goth sister Flurry Heart’s creepy Victorian doll collection. She’s hovering, and cheerfully nibbling at the edge of a narrow, peeled slice of a banana. Below her, you see a small ceramic fruit bowl, filled with slices of strawberries, pineapple, bananas, and, disgustingly, honeydew. The banana slice gives you a sense of how tiny both her and the fruit bowl are.
You turn to your drooling eagle and yell, “No!“
Prince Shining Armor explains, “That’s Puck, the Breezie Princess! She’s one of the best ponies at competitive Ponycraft! She’s great at micromanaging the units, whatever that means!“
You don’t really care about Ponycraft at all. Especially after the Breezies got connected to the internet through the portal; They kept beating you at Ponycraft’s online mode. But more importantly, you need to remind Liberty not to cause another diplomatic incident. You glare at your eagle and yell, “For the hundredth time, Liberty. Equines are friends, not food!“ Turning to Shining, you say “Sorry, that definitely won’t work out.“
Liberty drops the photo, sulking, then pecks at another photo. It looks like a vacation photo of a sweating, black-winged, dark grey, white-breasted griffon. Beneath her outstretched, shiny black wings that the photo is centered on, the griffon is wearing small brown saddlebags. She’s standing in the shadow of a cliff wall and looking away from the camera, while drinking from her water bottle with her pointy yellow beak. You assume that her wings are stretched out so that she can cool off. Behind her, you see a picturesque pink and orange desert canyon filled with spires, arches, and steep cliff faces.
That griffon’s bright yellow, razor sharp claws and beak look pretty terrifying. But more importantly, this is starting to sound like a prank. You state the obvious loophole in his proposal. “The griffons don’t even have a centralized government!“
Shining Armor rebuts this proudly. “Not yet, son! You two could be the perfect pair to start a griffon monarchy, given everything that I’ve heard about your talents and accomplishments!“
You’re impressed by his confidence in you, at least.
Your eagle companion hops over to yet another photo, and holds it up towards both of you. It’s a photo of a tall, skinny, cerulean changeling, with a translucent, sparkly pink mane, tail, and inner wings; Her beetle-like solid red outer wings are pointing straight up, out of the way of her inner wings. She’s floating in some sort of green cavern with many bright purple flowers.
The Prince introduces her. “That’s Princess Ocellus of the reformed changelings! She’s able to stand on her hind legs, and she has a bit of experience transforming into bipedal creatures such as yourself.“ His ears perk up and he smiles, continuing enthusiastically. “Even better, she says that she can even transform into all sorts of fantastic creatures, such as angels or harpies, which I bet you’d love! In her free time, she plays a casual game called Ponyville Online.“
You can’t tell if he already forgot that you don’t like wings, or if he just didn’t believe what you said. And there’s a good reason why angels introduce themselves with ’Be not afraid’. If you remember correctly, some types have hundreds of eyes, the wrong number of faces, and way too many wings, which sounds terrifying. And harpies sound almost as terrifying as griffons!
But leaving aside this insanity, there is no way that you’d ever date a casual gamer. Even worse, that changeling’s bright colors make you think that she’s either venomous or has poisonous skin, just like many other insects, reptiles, and amphibians with similar colorings. You sternly object, “There is no way in Tartarus that we could ever be compatible.“
“She can change!“, the Prince objects. “Relationships are things that need constant work, and good communication by both parties.“ His ears droop, and he looks down. “And with a few more years of acting and infiltration lessons, bipeds such as yourself might stop fleeing in terror from her subtly unnatural movements and body language.“
You firmly hold to your principles. “Still no. Not ever.“
Liberty squawks loudly, then picks up another photo, hopping up and down energetically.
You stare at the photo of a tall mare with a large, dark blue body and wings, and a blotchy black and white cutie mark. Her dark blue, ethereal mane and tail resembles the blue and black twilight sky. You squint to make out her features; The bright full moon and the stars in the skies, and their reflection in a lake behind her are the brightest sources of light in this photo. Wait, is that a horn?
He grins, and enthusiastically introduces the alicorn in the photo. “That’s Princess Luna! She’s retired now, but you must have heard of her.“
You roll your eyes, stare at Shining Armor, and state with conviction, “Look, there’s nothing you could say that would make me change my mind. I’m not meeting with any of these ponies or creatures.“
Shining Armor grins, his ears perk up, and he praises Luna enthusiastically. “I bet you’d love her. She’s one of the most powerful ponies in all of Equestria; She’s able to lift the sun and moon all by herself! And she’s the three time champion of the Super Smashing Ponies tournament in Los Pegasus!“
You’re amazed that after all these months together, your adoptive dad still can’t remember the name of your favorite game.
There’s no way you could see a relationship working, but hopefully you could convince Luna to join your team for the Super Smash Herds group tournament.
“Sure, a short meeting wouldn’t hurt.“
Author's Note
This is a submission to the Shining Armor is a Terrible Dad Competition.
EDIT: 2024-03-28: I added more descriptive details and rephrased some parts of the story.
