Household chores

by Udahyas

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Shining Armor, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Flurry Heart, Comedy
Length: 2886

Cadance has important things to do, and before she left, she asked Shining to do chores around the house. Unfortunately, he cannot fulfill them and is forced to shift them all to his daughter.

This is a submission to the Shining Armor is a Terrible Dad Competition

Shining has done housework quite often in his entire life. A little less than zero times. And it definitely has nothing to do with laziness, it's just not adapted for this task.

Unfortunately, today Cadance will go on an important diplomatic mission and leaves a list of household chores for Shining. He had never been so close to breaking his astronomical record of household chores.

It's good that Shining has a daughter who will absolutely be happy to do all the work for him. Right?

Published 2024-03-21 21:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-03-21 21:20:00 UTC

Trash

"Trash." I muttered, folding another piece of paper with my magic and throwing it into the corner of the room.

How can I write a verse criticizing conformism without being a conformist!? Like, only they would use such an obvious way of expressing themselves.

"I had to do a theatrical performance where I would be the only actor.. That would be a real way out of your comfort zone." I muttered with an exasperated sigh as I stared at the pile of paper in the corner. There was already a mountain of waste paper taller than me. It should also be borne in mind that I compressed the very first sheets of paper to the size when they disappeared from reality. But since that moment, a lot of magic has flowed away.

Turning away from the pile of paper, I snorted and sipped my tea. Oh, how cold, how nasty and strong. I feel like I'm dying inside. What an aesthetic~.

"Brr, my dumb ancestors are a bad influence on me. They distort my identity." I said, startled. A moment later, this action was repeated when I heard footsteps outside the door. And they were approaching like a predator.

Not that jerk. It would be better if it really was some kind of predator.

Suddenly, the door to the room opened and let in two disgusting things that caused me to hiss softly. The first thing is a bright light, the second is a father or Shining. For some strange reason, he was wearing full armor. Well, I don't think armor can be called complete if it doesn't protect the belly. And it has no spikes.

Before I could ask anything, he took a confident step forward and said in a raised voice: "Good afternoon, Private Flurry!"

I looked at him with annoyance and slowly said so that he could understand: "Don't call me by the stupid name that you came up with. My name is the Deadly Abandoned Cemetery."

"Well, yes, of course," Shining replied, rolling his eyes.

A damn conformist, can't accept any changes. Especially such good ones!

I sighed and asked, holding up a half-empty mug of iced tea: "Why are you here at all? If it's to distract and annoy me, then you're as successful as ever, Father."

A small smile appeared on Shining's face and he said, "Your mom and I don't like that you don't do any chores around the house. So, the captain of the solar Guard is coming on duty to fix it! "

" Pfft, just say that it's your turn to do chores today, but you're too lazy. " I said after taking a small sip of iced tea. Oh, I feel like a boa constrictor. A very powerful, powerful and painfully killing boa constrictor.

"Yes! What? No! The captain of the Guard never shirks his duties. Never!" declared Shining, confidently stamping his hoof on the floor.

Sometimes it seems to me that I am the only pony in this family who has at least the beginnings of a mind. Oh, wait, that's how it is.

Before I could nod to myself, Shining pointed to the corner with his hoof and asked: "What are these wooden bars?"

I raised an eyebrow in embarrassment and answered slowly: "These are the legs of my bed, which I tore off to be closer to the ground during sleep. And I did it, like, half a year ago? Do you come here that rarely? Although, no, your mother should have told you about it. Hmm. "

" No, they definitely didn't tell me anything. And when I came in here yesterday, these bars weren't there. Shining replied, looking away.

"Was I without a collar then?" I asked boringly, slowly putting a hoof on my spiked collar.

"Yeah. It suited you better by the way."

"Then what you called yesterday was about three years ago."

I don't even know what to say. Just insert a sarcastic remark here.

Suddenly Shining cleared his throat and said, stamping his hoof again: "I'll make you a scooter out of these bars!"

I asked instantly, already starting to lose interest in this conversation. Even making bad poems and throwing them away was more interesting.

His mood instantly changed and he said irritably, "Oh, well, that's what you'd say. Buck you, Father, and your boundless love!"

О, понятно, он снова психует. Просто буду игнорировать его.

Nodding to myself, I turned away from Shining and took out another piece of paper before dipping the pen into the ink. While thoughts were trying to form in my head, Shining was walking in circles and complaining, constantly changing his tone.

At some point, he came as close as possible and said loudly, getting saliva in my face: "I can see by your face that you don't like this country! And me too! Moreover, I'm sure you're waiting for when you can attach me with a dictionary and pin me down. You want to, right? "

Very slowly, I turned to Shining and said, looking clearly into his eyes: " First of all, don't spit on me. Secondly, leave me alone, conformist. And thirdly, go ahead and do the housework. WITHOUT involving me. "

Your next sentence is: "I am your father and moreover the captain, you will do what I say!"

"I am your father and moreover the captain, you will do what I say!" Shining said, forcing me to cover my mouth. All these conformists are so readable.

After letting out a series of laughs, I got up from my chair and said, "Okay, okay, boss. What elementary task, should I do for you, exactly, not because you can't handle it yourself? "

It seemed that he really fell for it and answered with his chest puffed out: " You are facing an incredibly difficult and deadly task. Ninety-nine percent of ponies can't handle it. "

" You need to go to the store."

Well, yes, well, yes. I understand that you can't read and you won't be able to find a store, Father.

Grinning, I quickly walked past him and asked, maintaining the image: "Okay, okay. I won't ask why you can't send servants..."

"I'm embarrassed to ask them to do this." Shining interrupted me instantly. Hmm.

"But is it okay for you to ask your daughter to do this?"

"Absolutely. After all, you're a private and I'm a captain."

A typical Shining, a typical incompetent father.

I rolled my eyes and asked, stopping in front of the exit door, "Anyway, what do I need to buy?"

"Either tea or water." He answered very slowly. It was as if he could hardly keep this information in his head.

"Can't we buy both?" I asked, raising, no, not an eyebrow, my collar. Sometimes it has to be corrected because of the thorns.

"No, there's only enough money for one of these things," Shining replied as if it were absolutely normal.

Even though I didn't mean to go to the store for a second, but you interested me. Well done, incompetent.

"Do we have money for water or tea?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah." Shining replied with a nod. Does he see any inconsistencies here at all?

"But we're the royal family, right?" I said slowly, hoping his little brain would catch what I was getting at.

"Well, yes. What are you getting at?" He asked awkwardly, tilting his head to the side.

Uhh, unbearable.

"Then why don't we have money to at least buy tea and water!? Why don't we have money so that I can buy the thirteenth album of Gothic music so that I have thirteen items in my room in the amount of thirteen pieces!?" I hissed, trying my best not to lift my wings. Br, damn instincts.

Shining looked at me for a while before dismissively waving his hoof and replying: "First of all, the few collections of this strange and vile music you have, the better. And secondly, my collection of toy soldiers is much more important."

"A collection of toy soldiers?" I asked, confused. My clueless father may be doing strange things, but I've never heard of anything like this. Well, or I just didn't care.

"Playing out large-scale battles helps me fall asleep. And the more soldiers the better." Shining replied with great pride in his voice.

I don't even want to imagine what it looks like. I even feel a little sorry for my mother because she has to put up with him. Just a little bit.

I took a deep breath and said turning around: "Okay, I'll go get some tea. It's suitable for a funereal atmosphere."

He doesn't even know that I won't go to the store at all. Rather, I'm trying to escape from him to my favorite half-abandoned cemetery.

"No, no, we need water. I don't want to boil tap water just to drink." Shining stated categorically, forcing me to stop.

I made a half turn and asked looking straight into his eyes: "Are you always this dumb or did you use something today?"

"I am very flattered by your desire to consume something with me. . ." Shining started with a slight tremor but was interrupted by me.

"I didn't want this at all. I said, continuing to maintain eye contact.

Why would he even think that?

Shining coughed awkwardly before continuing anyway, "But I only use water. I even DESPISE tea."

Noticing the frown on my face, he put his front hooves in front of him and said defiantly: "Come on, tea fans, call your strongest fighter here. I will defeat him. I'll fill his nostrils with clean water and he'll run away. But I will catch up with him and drink the water from his nostrils. "

I just stood there, amazed, and Shining took advantage of it to say, " Just like the ancient warriors of the north did."

He was obviously using something stronger than water.

Sighing, I just activated my horn and instantly created a huge canister of water. I threw it right on Shining's head and said: "Catch it."

"What? How? Ow!" Shocked and surprised, he said, until the canister fell right on his spine, causing him to fall to the ground.

I was confused at first. Then she sighed and said, covering her face with her hoof, "Don't tell me you really didn't know I could do this."

In response, Shining's eyes widened and he slightly opened his jaw. I took a small step towards him and asked: "Do you do anything at all besides playing with toy soldiers?"

"Uh, well." Shining replied uncertainly, continuing to try to throw off the canister.

I'm going to go find and break these soldiers. Maybe his brain will work.

Nodding to myself, I turned away from him and went to the exit. Breathing and an active struggle with a can of water could be heard behind. Putting my hoof on the door and slowly pushing it forward, I muttered: "Is the canister really that heavy? Like, I didn't even fill half of it with water. "

" No, I'm sure this canister is very heavy. " Shining answered by stopping fighting and just crossing his hooves while lying on the floor.

I stopped in the doorway and said to sigh irritably, "Shining, you're already very pathetic. Can you just lift the half-empty canister so that I don't feel ashamed every time I think about you?"

"No, I can't! It's too heavy! Help your captain, Private Flurry!"

Buck you.

Instantly, I turned around and took a step forward and slammed the door behind me. After the dead silence that finally came, a satisfied sigh escaped my lips. To complement the atmosphere. I even teleported the rest of the tea to me, cold as the earth in the cemetery.

"Hey, stop! You have other things to do around the house!" Shining said, stomping loudly behind me. Glancing at him for just a moment, I saw that a canister was secured around his neck with a rolled-up blanket.

"By the way, I have spiders in my blanket." I commented and sipped my tea before blinking briefly. When my eyes opened, they found that Shining had thrown off his blanket and was frantically kicking at it with his hooves.

It was actually a joke, but when you think about it, spiders in a blanket are a great idea. One step closer to the atmosphere of death.

While I was thinking, Shining got tired of hitting the blanket and said, breathing heavily, "Uh, you wash this with all the other things, okay? Uh, I'm overexerting myself."

"You can't even wash your clothes, can you?" I asked, looking him straight in the eye.

"I can!" Shining replied by stamping his hoof on the floor.

"I'm just a little lazy." He muttered, looking away.

I wonder if he knows I can hear him. Uh, what's the difference. I'm just going to have some fun before I go to the cemetery.

After a short silence, I asked slowly, "Well, what kind of chores do I have that I definitely won't do?"

"You mean will you do it?" Shining asked in the same slow tone. It's like correcting a stupid child.

"No, I'm not. . ."

"Silence, soldier! Now the higher-ranking officer will announce the tasks!" Shining said in a commanding tone. And with a tiny, barely noticeable smile on the corners of his lips.

I swear, he gets sadistic pleasure from it.

Anyway, Shining cleared his throat and took out a huge roll of paper out of nowhere. Taking a deep breath, he began to speak in one breath: "You need to clean the floors, take out the trash, make the bed, cook dinner, close the front door, change the light bulb in the pantry and.... Wait, I need to, uh, catch my breath."

Yes, the enumeration of these things brought him to suffocation. A weakling? The real one. While Shining was catching his breath, I was roughly figuring out how to get rid of him for a long enough time to get to the cemetery. I would like him to think of the last that I really do his chores around the house. I need to channel my creative energy somewhere, right?

Suddenly, the acrid smell of death interrupted my thoughts. Oh, wait. It's just garbage. Blinking a few times, I saw the Shining had already managed to take a garbage bag with his magic and put it right in front of the window. Then he began to beckon me to him with a silly smile.

How did he even manage to move so fast while I was thinking? I'm thinking faster than him anyway.

After I took a couple of steps towards Shining, he opened the window and said: "Just throw it down. Royal living conditions are when the trash can is right under your window and it's too far away to smell."

I looked down and roughly estimated the distance. How should I put it? . . There is a very real possibility that the debris may knock down a couple of birds while falling down. Great.

"Well, are you ready to fly?"

"What!?"

"This is for disobeying the authorities!" Shining said before suddenly hitting me with a bag on the back of my head. And with such force that I fell out of the window!

Terrible dad!

That's the only thought that flashed through my mind before my wings instinctively opened up to allow me to plan. With just a couple of swings, I was able to dodge the trash can and land safely on the ground. Then, in the next instant, a garbage bag hit the road and was completely destroyed.

Annoyed, I looked up and saw Shining cautiously peering out of the window. We looked at each other for a while before he said: "I order you to fall into the trash! It's necessary!"

"Uh, no. I'd better go to the cemetery." I replied with a shrug and turned away from him before walking forward.

"Wait, you have other chores to do! If you don't come back, I'll close the front door!"

"Can you do it?" I asked, stopping for a moment and turning my head to the window from which Shining was looking out.

"Uh, of course!"

He's lying. And this is not an assumption, it is a fact.

"What were you even counting on when you threw me down!?" I asked, slightly adjusting the collar with my free hoof. Nothing seems to have been damaged.

"I thought it would be fun! Like, haha, emo is in the waste!"

"I'm a goth, not an emo!"" I replied categorically, gritting my teeth. This conversation has happened too many times.

"Is there a difference?" He asked as if he had heard it for the first time. In fact, I literally explained it to him more than a thousand times.

"Uhh, it doesn't matter. You won't understand anyway, you damn conformist! " I said before turning away and heading towards the cemetery. After that, Shining continued to shout something and do it so active that I even felt saliva on the back of my head.

Yes, truly, a terrible father.

Author's Note

I have no idea who the Goths are.