I'm a very complex pony.
That is how I can start this tale, it's not something I would normally say but in all the madness and insanity that
runs through my tired mind, I can only manage to put forth enough effort in the secret art of description to call myself "Complex".
My name is Mortuss De'La Soulstealer Grimm. The De'La Soulstealer isn't part of my original namesake but I thought it had sounded catchy at the time so I went with it. A very important detail of this little tale is: I wasn't always a pony. This may sound like a familiar chord to most of the readers.
I'm not a writer, or a very accomplished storyteller but I can tell you about a talent I discovered in Equestria that nobod-err,
nopony* would ever be able to replicate.
I will also share in all of this strange and curious writing of the words, the details of my death.
Back in my days of being a humanoid creature with humanoid features, I was at the moment of my curious transformation: An Undead Necromancer. This may sink in as a bit of shock but I was in rather modern times at this point. In your years, it was 2012. In my years it was the 21st century of the future Mort Empire. I owned a very accomplished loan company (We all know true evil is in exaggerated interest) and I was rather happy.
Sure, my skin was a faintish yellow color and my eyes were white. I was lacking a general nose but I looked damn fine in a suit. The suit itself would tell you how fetching it felt when I wore it, go ahead, try to ask it. You can't prove me wrong on this statement but I am a very good practicioner in Fabrica-lingual.
(The language of Clothing.)
It was one of those off days in the company, when the clock didn't seem to tick quite as fast, nor does it tock with any more of an effort.
I was sitting in my office, moreoverly browsing a series of horrible image builds which I was considering posting pictures of certain parts of my almost skeletal but rather finely preserved body to bring terror and despair to the millions. Well, the phone rang. It wasn't a special phone call.
It went a little bit along these lines.
"Huuuullo? Mortuss De'La Soulstealer Grimm here. Watcha' want?"
"You rat bastard, that was my FAMILY THAT YOU SENT YOUR LOAN SHARKS AFTER!"
"Oh, well, I hope that the loan was payed then."
"IT WAS ONLY A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLAR LOAN!"
"Well, the interest adds up to...about fifteen thousand dollars in payment."
"That's robbery!"
"That's buisness. Tell your son I hope his legs heal in a relatively normal shape. Ciao!"
"Wait, don't you ha-"
That's normal for me, in a general sense of normality for an undead mage who happens to find the thought of four grown men beating up a pre-teen an enjoyable and amusing thought. I'm not a nice un-person, sue me. Others have tried and most of them ended up with a shovel colliding with their head in a parking lot that they never could bring themselves to remember parking in for the life of them.
Leaning back in my comfy chair, (Because comfy chairs are 95% of a successful buisnessman) I opened a new tab on my compy and browsed the wonderful world of emails until I found what I was looking for.
The first episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is magic, season three: episode 1.
Much sooner then anyone would have it, I was a brony. I admit it, it's something refreshing how a bunch of cartoon ponies could be more human then I could be. I did despise most of their personalities to be frank, they were colorfully revolting. Anyway, as I started the episode it paused for just a moment. I assumed it was buffering, well, until everything around me exploded at once. The entire universe that I existed in, just gone. How's that for hard karma? (I would like to point out that all of the young children that I had maimed were also killed so I suspect I got even with the little brats.)
Well, after I felt like I was floating... I didn't have any awkward encounters with Death. This is normally weird because while this is the first time I've had my entire reality ignited like a well cooked marshmallow, it wasn't the first time I had died. It helps if you always keep loaded dice on your person so you can challenge him to a traditional "Game" in exchange for your soul.
I was floating still, there were shapes passing by me and I took the time to notice each little detail as I passed.
Massive ships, purple in color, sleek and powerful looking flying above the surface of some strange planet. Reducing the surface to glass using massive uncomfortable looking lasers from the base of their ship. I wanted one of those ships, I truly did.
Then like the shutter on a camera, a new world.
Four massive elephants were standing on the back of a massive turtle thing that was just walking in no general direction.
As I flew closer, I noticed a discworld...or a very silly shaped world that was flat. How foolish, the world was round. I refuse to be proved otherwise on the account I flew around it once for the sole sake of proving to a rather drunk warlock by the name of Khurch that I could.
Another shutter.
A giant ball in space...
It was firing a quick beam from it and simply destroyed a very round planet. Huh, I also wanted one of those.
Then a final shutter. A very real and very orbital planet was in my vision and I was falling towards it like a well dressed and feasibly attractive comet with wonderful hair and very mediocre dental work. I was expecting to burn up in the atmosphere but I had somehow managed to pass through it unphased besides a strange tingling in all parts of my body.
This was weird, I never really felt anything due to all of my nerves being relatively passed away.
Landing on the ground with a relatively satisfying "Oomph!"
This was a sound I practiced for many years in the anticipation that I would one day fall from space and somehow survive, they said I was foolish!
Looking up, and shaking my head...I stared at a sickeningly colorful landscape. It was literally the grossest form of coloring book vomit that I ever had to gain the displeasure of looking at.
The sky was too blue, the grass too green, the air even had a color. It was horrible!
Raising a hand to rub my forehead I found myself strangely surprised that I had a horn coming from the base of my forehead. (I knew this was a horn due to a test I tried later on with a very unhappy mare in a lovely strip-barn.) Then came the realization of the hooves, oh god, the hooves. They didn't even look real to me, everything was just so strangely cartoonish.
My suit was still on my body which I noticed was suddenly more pony-ish. Oh god, I thought at one of my few moments of (WHAT THE LIVING HELL IS GOING ON HERE, I DON'T HAVE A PREPLAN FOR PONINESS) quiet and well controlled panic. I was a pony now.
Getting up and trotting in a circle told me I was pretty damn good at being a pony. A moment of quiet pervetedness then washed over me as a stood alone in this revolting meadow and I leaned down and peered between my legs.
"WHAT THE LIVING BUCK OF THE DARK GOD OF RL'YEH IS THIS!"
Is what I said in all of my quiet dignity. Despite my expectations, I found that I was most certainly female now.
This I assumed was because the universe thought, "Heya' Morty! Y'know all of those times you broke the general laws of me? Yeah, well, now you get to be un-believably attractive but guess what? You're a mare! Enjoy!"
Sitting down on my haunches, my mind took some time to calm down.
Minds being those sort of things that do things when the rest of you really wished it wouldn't.
"Okay." I said in a voice I hadn't noticed was rather seductive, "I'm a mare...I'm alive...I'm a bucking Pony and I feel...sexy." This statement brought on furious head shaking, no, I read enough fanfictions to know what happened to strange ponies in.. Another moment of horror, This was Equestria.
I was in a land filled with the most sickeningly happy beings in the universe.
I really did go to the Hell.
I was expecting a large red stallion with horns and bat-like lands to rise up being me and shove a pitchfork up my flank and just scream to me in a voice similiar to the late Louis Armstrong,
"YOU'RE FINALLY MINE NOW MORTUUS, WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD!"
Then I would simply be devoured like a lovely bon-bon. This didn't happen of course but a part of me sort of wished that instant Death be the alternative then having to break into random songs and prance all of the time instead of walking.
Closing my eyes and sorting my still insane mind back into somewhat order, I thought of many spells that couldn't help me in the slightest. Still, I knew magic and that was something much better then just being left with nothing. Opening them and breathing out in a sigh that would've made the most pristine Stallions tingle in places they didn't know could tingle.
I caught a glimpse of movement out of the corner of my vision.
Oh Gods no.
Please Gods, don't let it be her.
A pair of crystal blue eyes met mine and a pink pony with hair that would've intimidated most hairdressers in the known world said in a high pitched voice that cut through the air like a thousand ferrets wielding katana swords.
"HI!"
"Please kill me." I responded cordially.
Then blacked out.
