Help! I've Been Kidnapped By An Alicorn!by deadpansnarkerChaptersChapter One: Up, up, and away!Chapter Two: Eavesdropping.Chapter Three: Explanations.Chapter One: Up, up, and away!“Phew, it reeks in here! Anyway, which paddock was it again… 4…5…6? No, I’m holding the number upside down. Thank God. I wouldn’t want to be stuck with that decrepit old nag, who looks more like she’s destined for the glue factory than the Grand National. 7…8… 9. There’s my mare! Hi there girl, out you come… and, huh?!” Okay, freeze frame there. I suppose you, as the reader, are wondering how the heck a handsome chap like me landed himself in this madcap situation… whereupon I’d be obliged to provide a l-o-n-g convoluted explanatory introduction about my life up ‘til now, my personality, my appearance, my name, age, shoe size, turn-ons and turn-offs… Well, I don’t know about you, but I find all those pretentious prologues all kinds of tedious, don’t you? *Proceeds to give you one anyway* Hi, my name is Kevin. I have a second (and even a third) name, but that’s not very relevant right now, is it? I have brown hair, brown eyes and… white skin. Pretty ordinary, really. I am fourteen years old, and just started at this stupid remote expensive boarding school with mandatory croquet, etiquette and horse-riding lessons because my family thought I was ‘hanging out with the wrong crowd’. Not sure one tiny spliff of cannabis in my bottom drawer (where my hysterical mother shouldn’t have been snooping in the first place) equates to the end of Western Civilisation As We Know It, but anyway… My ‘concerned’ folks packed me off here. To leafy Staffordshire. Miles away in the rural countryside from any of my friends, loved ones, favourite hang-outs or even decent wi-fi service. They liked to show-off ‘what responsible comfortably-off middle-class parents are capable of’ they are, you see, by ‘temporarily removing me from the rougher elements of society ‘til I’m a more mature gentleman.’ Very bourgeois, I’m sure you agree. Even if my dad only owns his own plumbing firm, and my mum works for the civil service, somehow they plastered together the funds to wave me off to the other side of England, when we all could’ve had a nice extended holiday on a cruise throughout the hotspots of Europe instead. Go figure. The upshot of it is: I’m now stuck attending an elite educational residential institution full of posh pricks who wear straw hats and blazers in the blazing hot summer sun non-ironically, say things like ‘Tally-ho!’ and ‘Balderdash!’ in all seriousness during everyday conversation and won’t donate the meagre scraps left over from dinner to the local village food bank ‘in case hand-outs encourage the underprivileged riff-raff to breed’. Unbelievable, isn’t it? Boarding school ain’t like those whimsical and magical Harry Potter books at all, let me tell you. (Okay, so they didn’t exactly use the term ‘riff-raff’ in their full colour brochure, but I think you get the gist of their general ethos. And to include that line as a promotional boast, it’s just not on is it? Less JK Rowling, more Charles Dickens is what I’m getting at). Anyway, I’d had about a week of all these buck-toothed, self-entitled, Hurray Henrys laughing at my ‘shabby’ clothes, my ‘shaggy’ hairstyle, my Cockney accent (apparently, stinky old London is ‘too ethnically diverse’ these days) and even the ‘common’ way I walk. I could fill an entire story revolving around the sort of disturbing acts I’d like to visit upon these smarmy, snooty, slimy little c**ts. But imaginary violent revenge stories aren’t the point of the tall tale I’m about to tell, or the age rating on this would be a lot higher (and I’d be less inclined to bleep a lot of the more profane words, as you saw in the last paragraph). So I’ll skip all the annoying little incidents between me and the intolerable snobs here since my forced induction which have frequently left this social outcast at boiling point, and just arrive at the relevant juncture where my life changed forever. I stumbled into that nondescript stable one fine day expecting a brief trot around a muddy training field, and ended up with so much more. Not dressage. Not showjumping. Not even a nice game of polo. But a life-changing unforgettable experience which would echo throughout the ages, spread by generation after generation in hushed whispers over candlelight as the legend continued to grow, and… Well, perhaps I’m overselling it. Just a tad. But it was pretty f*cking wild and weird, to say the least. Are you ready? Standby to strap yourselves in (or jump in the saddle, to use a topical equestrian reference) and prepare to be dazzled! Or, just peruse the first chapter until you decide whether you wanna hang around or not. Either way works for me, I’m not getting paid for this in any case. Ciao! As I seem to remember mentioning before, I was all ready to jump on my noble steed, gallop outside amongst all the other buckin’ broncos and really show them what I was made of. Hi-ho Silver, away! Indeed. A few minor observations caused me to temporarily put my long-standing ambition of being the next Roy Rogers or John Wayne on hold though, and instead made me go all googly-eyed and stuttery like I’d just taken a sledgehammer directly to the bonce. More than once. Here, let me draw you a picture… Oops sorry, I forgot… this is strictly a non-illustrative story. I’m a much better writer than I am an artist though, so it’s all for the best. If there’s a lucrative market for stick men though, I’m in! Let’s move on, shall we…? “Y-You’re purple. Y-Your mane is so many different shades. Y-You have a horn. A-A starry tattoo. A-A-And are those wings?!” As you can see, I was on the cusp of having the mother of all freak-outs at discovering a hitherto unknown mythical creature at the back of St. Crispins School For Very Posh But Very Vicious And Disturbed Teenage Boys. It looked as if I’d be spending my latter educational days in a nice cushioned room without windows at the nearest asylum, which after dwelling amongst ‘the cream of aristocracy’ for the best part of seven days sounded more tempting than it probably should be. The only note of caution which completely stopped me totally losing my ever-loving mind was the sneaking suspicion that my fellow students here had set this up as some kind of ‘hilarious’ elaborate joke. I fully expected them to come out in their hundreds any minute now from carefully-chosen hidey-holes, pointing and sneering at my discomfort in that irritating way only young rich idiots can. Gee, how I’d love to take those silver spoons out of their yapping maws and shove them right up their… aaanndd we’re going off track again. “Very funny, guys! Don’t you think it’s a bit late now for an initiation prank? I’ve been here for a few days, at least! You should’ve put toothpaste in my bed, poured clotted cream into my luggage or left a cherry bomb underneath the toilet seat first night I was here. Oops I forgot, you did all that stuff already. Along with generally making my life a living hell since I arrived. Still, it’s all a bit sick, ain’t it? Putting purple dye on an innocent pony, sticking a pair of fake wings and a horn on her, spraying graffiti all over her flank then leaving her alone here for me to find as if any of this is actually funny. Trust you lot to pick on an animal who’s so much smaller than the rest of her peers, too. And what’s this engraved in a golden plaque on the stable door? ‘Twilight Sparkle’? That has to be the stupidest, lamest, made-up name for a pony I’ve ever heard in my entire…” “Excuse me, but my beloved parents Twilight Velvet and Night Light would not be pleased to hear you talk that way! They chose that name especially for me and it reflects my Cutie Mark, which I assure you isn’t in the least bit fake! Just like my horn and wings: you see I’m an alicorn, I’ve been kept prisoner here for a while, and I…” “AARRGGHH… mmmmmm.” Folks, do not adjust your sets. What you just heard there was, and I swear with every fibre of my being, a walking, talking horsie… I mean, pony, I mean, unicorn… I meant, ‘alicorn’, of course. Hey, what am I saying… I’m trying to be polite towards a creature that shouldn’t even exist in this modern age of the internet, Deliveroo and prescription drugs! (A few of which I was either on right now, or wish I was). But here she was, bedecked in full multicoloured and multi-starred glory, staring up at me with both slight concern for my panic-stricken demeanour, and undisguised indignation for the unintended insults I just dispensed directly to her. What the... now I’m ascribing exclusively human emotions to an animal, like I’d just stepped inside some kind of cheesy 40’s animated Disney movie! The way my day was going so far though, it wouldn’t be the biggest shock in the world if Mickey Mouse did appear from behind a stray bale of hay in full Sorcerer’s Apprentice regalia to start magically moving a bunch of brooms-with-hands about. This place could do with a bit of a tidy-up, anyway. Speaking of magic… well, actually I couldn’t ‘speak’ right now, because my mouth was currently sealed up with some kind of mystic spell this weird creature had cast upon me. I could tell this, by the way her horn had started glowing lavender at about the same time my tongue stopped working. And if you knew what a chatterbox I am by nature, this event was a minor miracle in itself. “I’m sorry I had to temporarily hush you Kevin, but I’ve been working too long and too hard towards my escape to endanger it now. I don’t really want to abandon you under these trying circumstances though, as it sounds like you have major friendship problems you need serious help with… what to do, what to do… I know! This may seem like quite an excessive step, but I can’t in all good conscience allow someone with more genuine compassion and morality than anyperson I’ve met here to stay and be bullied and mistreated along the lines you just unintentionally informed me of. You’re coming with me, where I can make sure you’re safe. Shall we depart?” At the same time as my mute self was trying to figure out how this now apparently psychic alicorn knew my first name, oh right, I have it as a tag on my riding jacket… at least something in Crazytown makes sense. I felt myself floating through the air towards her hindquarters before she spoke again, this time whilst deep in thought. “Hmm, you’re a bit too big to sit on my back as you are, so I’m afraid I’m going to have to change you temporarily. It’s just for a little while until we reach Ponyville and I’ve explained to all my friends where you came from, so try not to worry. Here goes…” The spell began taking place even as Twilight Sparkle spread her surprisingly vast feathery wings to take off, and I began getting the distinct impression of shrinking as we took to the air to fly far, far away. Naturally, all my clothes began falling off (oh dear, there go my jodhpurs) simultaneously as they could no longer house such a small frame, but oddly enough right at this moment unrequested major bodily modifications were the least of my worries. What was somewhere nearer the top of my list was: Where am I being taken? Will I ever see Earth again? Does she even have a flying licence? And why did my illegal abduction have to take place before Home Ec, the one lesson I’m actually good at and enjoy? Holy f*ck… when it’s not your day… But pondering and struggling would ultimately get me nowhere in this unfathomable situation I now found myself in. My alicorn chauffeur blasted through the roof of the stable with her Awesome Magic Laser Ray (of course) and then we were well off, flying at an impossibly high speed through the clear blue with me strapped in at the back unable to move an inch. As we left the familiar confines of my home planet altogether, I thought I caught a brief glimpse of all my former classmates outside staring up in awe at me as I left them far behind, just like in The Neverending Story. Only difference was, I was astride an alicorn making a swift getaway rather than a Luck Dragon from the mythical land of Fantasia. And I’m pretty sure Bastion Bux wasn’t completely naked during his long post-movie flight. That would’ve sent the censors a bit doolally, dontcha think? Still, it’s not like I had much more time to consider my brand new compact form or even what lay ahead in my increasingly uncertain future. We flew past clouds, birds, even an aeroplane or two, before quickly penetrating the troposphere, stratosphere, mesosphere… then it was as if time and space itself seemed to rip apart, and dimensional barriers ceased to exist… Not that I was awake for any of this malarkey, of course. The sheer shock of the horseback ride to end all rides and hardly being able to breathe so high up quickly put paid to that fanciful notion, and there was a huge pending question mark about what kind of world I’d wake up to when I eventually found myself back in the land of the living. Goodnight, y’all. Make sure no-one touches my things while I’m away, ya hear? Author's Note Just a little something I felt inclined to write, based on a dream I had last night. If only all my nighttime expeditions were this fruitful. For instance, my trip to empty the bins the evening before was for nothing. NOTHING. Anyway, If you want more, do let me know. Cheerio! Chapter Two: Eavesdropping.“I am not going to that stupid boarding school in the middle of nowhere, and you can’t make me! There’s nothing wrong with Romford Comprehensive, all my friends are here and you’re just being totally unfair!” “Kevin, your mother and I have discussed this at great length, and we decided together that it’s in your best interests…” “Oh, I see, Dad. So now all of a sudden you're making big decisions about my future behind my back, and I’m supposed to just accept this? Maybe you shouldn’t have had a son at all; perhaps a robot would’ve been a better choice! You should’ve ordered one from Japan, I hear they’re all the rage there!” “I told you he wouldn’t understand, dear. He never appreciates anything we ever do for him. He’d rather hang out with his delinquent ‘friends’ down Oxford Circus who drink underage, shoplift regularly and stay out all night. If only you’d disciplined him properly when he was a child, we wouldn’t be having any of this petulant backtalk…” “You think threatening me with a spanking, forcing me to stand in the corner all day or confiscating my Nintendo DS as a little kid would’ve changed who I am today, Mum? Yeah, right! And you leave my friends out of this! You don’t care about me, you’re only worried about how any ‘bad publicity’ might impact your big government job! I think the major issue here is how I hardly ever saw either of you growing up, you were too busy at your jobs to see if I was okay or not. Newsflash: I wasn’t, but you never took the time to listen. So if I have ‘fallen in with the wrong crowd’ and you want someone to blame, try looking in the mirror!” “Okay, Harold… if you won’t be a man and punish your son, I suppose it’s up to me! Go to your room this minute, Kevin! You can come back down when you’re ready to apologise to both of us, then you can have your dinner…” “Well, looks like I’ll be up there forever then because I ain’t saying sorry when I ain’t done anything wrong. Besides, your home-cooking is no incentive for me to apologise… in fact, quite the reverse. You do realise the reason we never have rats anymore is because they scavenged our larder once for leftovers, and it practically wiped out the entire colony overnight?” “Right that’s it, young man!! How dare you insult Maureen… Mum’s food she prepares especially for us! You can just stay up there all night now without supper, in fact you might as well start packing your things. You leave in a week, no questions asked, full stop!” “Fine, fine… I’m going! Just bear this in mind though, when you both retire and are unable to look after yourselves, guess who gets to decide whether you go in a home or not? Here’s a sneak preview: I ain’t wiping anyone’s…” “OUT!!” As both my irate parents shouted at me in unison, I wisely wasted no more time in their miserable company. I stomped up the stairs as loud as I could, making sure I slammed my bedroom door twice for good measure to indicate just how strongly I felt about being relocated so far away without even being consulted on the matter. Everything I knew growing up in London and was familiar with... gone, just like that. Little did I know, as I intentionally cranked up my rock music to the max and practised my air guitar whilst bouncing off the walls, the mere few hundred miles between home and St Crispin’s would be a drop in the ocean compared to the distance in light years and dimensional travel where I was soon to find myself. And the fuss they make about putting a man (or woman, let’s be fair) on Mars. Pffff! “... He’s so cute! And tiny! I wanna pinch his little cheeks until they turn red, and fluff up his hair 'til it looks like mine! Can I please pet him, please Twilight? I promise to be gentle!” “I don’t think that would be a good idea, Pinkie Pie. I know how rough you can be with your ‘pets’. He’s been through a very hard ordeal, and he needs a nice long rest. That means… no surprise ‘Welcome To Ponyville’ parties until he feels all better, is that clear?” “I’m still a bit confused though, Sugarcube. You say he was being held with you on this ‘Urth’ planet and you escaped together, but you don’t know his name yet? How is that even…” “O-Of course I know his name, Applejack… it’s ‘Summer Delight’. I was just all so happy to see all you girls again, that it completely slipped my mind to properly introduce him. So now you know.” ‘Tiny’? I’m 5’7, which is generally considered big for my age. And ‘Summer Delight’? That’s not who I am! I’m Kevin! Also, who the heck are Pinkie Pie, Applejack and Sugarcube? ‘Twilight’ though… that definitely rings a bell… “I think it’s a perfectly lovely name, Twilight! Plus, I adore his coat. It’s light yellow, just like mine! It really goes with his orange mane, don’t you think?” “I suppose so Fluttershy, but my main concern was getting him out of there in one piece. A colt so young can’t fend for himself in such a hostile world, and I’m not sure how powerful his magic is yet. I mean, it took Sweetie Belle years to learn how to levitate a broom properly, and Summer is at least a couple of years younger than her…” What are those mad ladies prattling on about now? I have brown hair everywhere, even in areas I don’t care to disclose; not a trace of yellow or orange anywhere! I can’t do any magic tricks either, not even if you gave me a magician’s hat onstage preloaded with all manner of rabbits, handkerchiefs and another person’s watch. I’d accidentally kill the bunnies, lose the hankies and smash the poor bloke’s Rolex! And what’s this I hear about a ‘young colt’...! “Well Twilight, I think it’s simply smashing that Sweetie will have another little unicorn to play with around Ponyville, she can be like a big sister to him! The only other young unicorns she tends to associate with are that ‘lovable’ duo Snips and Snails, and I’m afraid the best thing you can say about them is that they mean well…” “ I’m sure Summer and Sweetie will be the best of friends, Rarity, along with Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and the rest of Miss Cheerilee's class. But you’ll have to be patient with him: he doesn’t remember what Equestrian life is like at all having spent so much time away, so for the moment just to be on the safe side I’ll be teaching him at the Castle Of Friendship. He’ll be staying here too, until he gets settled down. It’s only right, considering I flew him here in the first place.” Seriously everyone, enough with the unicorn talk. I’m not a pony, I’m a human being… wait a sec. Where are my hands… I can’t feel my hands!! My clothes are gone… why does my nose feel so… what’s this pointy nub sticking out the top of my… and since when was there fur all over my… wake up, Kevin, wake up! This is not a drill, you need to open your eyes. NOW!! “But what about his pare…Um, Twi? You know you told me to keep an eye on Summer Delight over here?” “Yes, Rainbow Dash… what about it?” “I think he may be coming to. If the mumblings and grumblings in his sleep are anything to go by, that is.” “I think a bigger clue is the fact his eyelids are beginning to flicker, but thank you for informing me, Rainbow. Hi there, Summer! How are you feeling… sorry about this, Kevin. I’ll explain everything in due course, I swear…” The magical mare (whose voice I now recognised as Twilight Sparkle from the stables earlier) privately whispering that last part in my now floppy ear was enough to jolt me to attention… and reader, words cannot quite adequately describe my feelings at opening my peepers for the first time since my apparent death-defying journey through the very fabric of the space time continuum. Eye-bleedingly pastel colours. Everywhere. Enough to make you want to put on a pair of sunglasses, and never take them off again. As unbearably garish as my surroundings were now though, they were as nothing compared to the six cartoonish pony-like faces crammed around my line of vision, jostling about like I was some prize attraction at a freak show. Pink, white, blue, purple… there’s more of a selection here than a M&M’s multipack. And what’s with the reflective crystalline wall… oh dear. Oh dear, indeed. Funnily enough, seeing my radically changed appearance for the first time came as a bit of a shock. Let’s say, about a thousand volts worth. Please tell me that this is all just some awful nightmare… I don’t actually have four hooves, a multicoloured orange mane and yellow coat, a tiny horn and an overwhelming desire to eat grass for the rest of my equine life… Sadly, as you’ve no doubt figured out by now, no manner of prodding, pinching or bashing my head against the post of the huge bed where I now lay(ow)could persuade me that this hallucinogenic experience was anything less than cold, hard reality. I was no longer Kevin. I was no longer human. I was no longer a resident of the Earth, The Milky Way, or the entire Solar System come to think of it. Instead, I was a young and allegedly cute unicorn colt in a newly-discovered land called Equestria. A very small colt, at that. First name Summer, second name Delight. Marvellous. Just brilliant. Why does my new title sound like a sugary soft drink full of E numbers? Why am I even asking this question? That’s the least of my worries, right now. I’m not even getting into the imposing castle I now apparently reside in, or the dragon-like creature curiously poking its head around the doorway to look in, just behind its pony brethren. It was all too much to take in at once, so I did the only rational thing I could at this most tense of moments. I fainted dead away once more. Hopefully, when I roused myself again, all evidence of abusive boarding schools, pushy, neglectful parents and magical talking ponies will be eliminated from the history books once and for all. Well, you know what they say… two out of three ain’t bad. Author's Note Well, let's keep the ball rolling with the second chapter. I hope you're enjoying the story so far... it appears you are by the reception its been getting! Thanks for following and favouriting it... and I'll see you all again real soon. Chapter Three: Explanations.“Mmmmmm…” I woke up and stretched profusely, still only half-awake but well aware that I was surrounded by pitch blackness, a faint sense of displacement… and most vehemently of all, a gnawing sensation coming from a very empty tummy. Must be time for one of my famous patented Kevin Late Night Feast Specials. Doritos, salsa dip, white chocolate, Diet Coke. Hold the cheese and coffee though please… don’t want any nightmares now, do we? Real life is bad enough… I tumbled out from under the ocean-like proportions of my capacious bedspread funny, I don’t remember my mattress being that immense and clumsily attempted to balance myself on two legs. For some reason I kept falling onto my front, almost as if my body was instinctively willing for me to crawl to its destination… fine useless limbs, you win. Geez, did I finish off the last of that hash earlier? It must’ve been some seriously powerful stuff, to have such an intoxicating effect on my brain. Maybe I should reduce the dosage by half in the future, until I get accustomed to it. Whatever off-kilter effect the cannabis was having upon my standard equilibrium also seemed to affect my long-term memory, as it took me at least another five minutes to locate the bedroom door (which was a chore to even open, like I was wearing a pair of oven mitts) until I was at long last out in the corridor. Now, where are the stairs? Let’s throw a little light on the subject… aanndd of course, I can’t find the light switch. Weirder and weirder. Am I ‘round a mate’s house or something, and I ‘forgot’ to tell my parents I was staying overnight? Won’t they be pissed off. Heehee, good. Despite the seemingly endless dark void which surrounded me from every conceivable angle, my addled brain had somehow reached the foolhardy conclusion that if I fumbled around long enough, I’d be able to find my bearings. Also add to the equation I was currently so hungry I could literally eat a horse (a comment that would come back to ‘bite’ me, no pun intended), the complete absence of light or recognition of my layout was never going to stop this trooper from finding the kitchen to stuff himself with copious amounts of snack-related digestibles! Ow… spiky wall. Ouch… pricked by the wall again. Whoever designed this house must be some kind of masochist, as there seems to be sharp edges at each turn. Every time I bumped into something on my perilous quest for the fridge it hurt like hell, almost like having the tip of a knife sticking into me. Ever-so-slightly annoying (not to mention painful) but who am I to question interior decoration which must resemble some kind of hedgehog? Despite the numerous obstacles in my path though, I’d come this far already and wasn’t about to give up yet. After all, did my forefathers lay down their arms when Nazi Germany tried invading the British Isles during World War I and II? …Okay, that was only number two, but you get my point. If my grandparents and their parent’s parents could fend off invading forces during times of great hardship, then surely I shouldn’t back down in my aimless pursuit of high-calorie sustenance. Let’s try over…ARRRGH!! Yes everyone, once again I let common sense be usurped by my own inflated bravado and ended up falling head-over-heels for roughly ten seconds straight, finally coming to a dazed heap on the floor below. I’d found the stairs alright, but not quite descended them in the casual manner I’d planned. Some people might say this was karma for trivialising the two Great Wars, to which I’d respond by calling you a heartless bastard and block you on Facebook, Insta, Tik Tok… all that. So there! “...Hello? Who’s down there? Summer, is that you?” A female voice I knew only too well at this stage rang out from just above my bruised and confused head, before a light finally came on so I could actually see what I was doing. My head quickly began to clear after my somewhat hurtful run-ins with the crystal walls and the subsequent trip down these steps, my eyes swiftly moving to reappraise my body like I did earlier, this time with a great deal more lucidity. Yep, still just as tiny as ever, with a mess of orange and yellow hair everywhere and four blunt hooves instead of the fingered-and-toed hands and legs I was far more acquainted with. There was nothing else I needed to confirm. I screamed. Cried. I even tried calling out for my Mum and Dad just to give you a view of how desperate the situation was for me (not that they would’ve cared, but I was despairing for any familiar face at this point) before I felt the waft of something softly landing nearby, and being held close by a comfortably furry and feathery presence. “Shh Summer, everything’s okay. You’re safe now, back in Equestria. Sorry I didn’t stay with you while you napped, but I had so much paperwork to catch up on while I was away I asked Spike to watch over you for me… Spike? Where are you? I thought I told you to keep this young one under supervision for just a few hours while I worked. What were you playing at? He could’ve been seriously hurt!” Twilight Sparkle’s harsh words permeated the atmosphere as her horn lit up the surrounding area like a Christmas tree (is there anything that handy dandy attachment can’t do? Manipulating matter, blasting things, transformative magic… yeah. I’d rather not dwell on that last one). All of a sudden, the diminutive draconic figure I noticed from before I lost consciousness the second time appeared close by, blearily yawning but appearing genuinely apologetic in his remorse of letting his ‘charge’ give him the slip. “S-Sorry Twi. Must’ve just dozed off there for a second. I spent all day queuing up for the latest limited edition Mane-iac comic. It was supposed to come with this cool holographic poster, but my copy didn’t even have it inside! So naturally I had to stand in line yet again to receive it, then stand in another line to complain, then…” “I’m not interested in your excuses! We have a child staying with us for the foreseeable future, and I want to make sure he’s properly protected. Can I rely on you to help me out on this very important matter…?” “Y-Yes, of course Twi, and I'm really sorry. Do you want me to take him back to his room now? I can help tuck him in, but I’m not very good at bedtime stories.” “No, it’s alright Spike… you go back to bed and let me handle this. You don’t have to keep apologising for an honest mistake either, but this is an adjustment all of us are going to have to get used to. Thanks for coming down to check on him anyway, and sweet dreams.” “Okay. Goodnight Twi… and, Summer.” The flightless reptile apparently named ‘Spike’ acknowledged me with a wink as he staggered his way back to his sleeping quarters, assuring once and for all that any potential career as a babysitter was gazumped before it’d even begun. I suspect he didn’t mind that much, though. Twilight waited for a few minutes until the coast was clear, then she looked down sympathetically at my discombobulated form caught somewhere between her hooves and wings. “Kevin, I can’t apologise enough. If I’d known my friends would be here all day upon my return and refuse to leave… if I’d thought that Spike would neglect his duty by allowing you to wander off like that in my castle… I never would’ve…” “A dragon? Cohabiting with a pony? How does that work?!” Out of all the millions and trillions of possible questions which had just formulated in my ailing brain, my very first coherent sentence in this new world of ‘Equestria’ (I’d already done a bit of moaning and groaning before, but I don’t think that really counts) why did it have to be that? Not ‘why the heck have you taken me to the other side of the universe’. Or even ‘change me back now, you interfering purple hoofbag’. But something as low-key as enquiring as to this odd couple’s living arrangement. I don’t know, maybe I was so wigged out at this stage that I craved the banality of normal conversation for once. Wait, is that my voice? I sound like a squeaky prepubescent kid. Maybe because I am now. Drat it… Twilight seemed equally surprised by the nonchalance of my query, but quickly answered with a warm smile. “Me and Spike have been together for years. I’ve known him since he hatched from an egg whilst I attended Princess Celestia’s School For Gifted Unicorns, and we’ve been inseparable ever since. But I don’t think you want me to get into that now. I’m sure you’re much more eager to hear why I brought you here, why I transformed you the way I did, how I ended up on Earth and what our next steps are regarding you going forward…” “Yes! Please! In that order!” I snarled at Twilight, slightly taken aback that she’d managed to cover all the bases so easily. “And do it now.” “I was going to, seeing as we’re finally alone and you seem much more relaxed and alert. By the way, sorry about the name. It was something I had to think of on the hoof quickly, when Applejack was interrogating me earlier. I believe it matches your appearance quite well though, don’t you? Orange? Yellow? Summer Delight? Don’t worry, I’ll only call you by it when I think others are listening…” “Never mind. Let’s just hear the explanation, then I’ll decide if I want to phone for a lawyer or not.” I tried to sound threatening, but in my new higher-pitched voice I just resembled a moody child who’d been refused an extra ice cream cone. Still, Twilight politely deposited me back on the floor and (on all fours, more difficult than it looks) I followed her glowing horn back upstairs to what must’ve been her study area, if the desk and the hundreds upon hundreds of hardback books stacked haphazardly around and lying open on the ground were anything to go by. “Let me guess… you like reading? You need to be more careful with hoarding on that scale: my uncle started up a collection of Games Workshop board games and miniatures in their original boxes which ended up being worth thousands; he still got evicted from his bungalow, though. It’s all fun and games ‘til you can’t get out the back door and friends refuse to visit… then, you’ve got a problem.” Twilight visibly blushed at my strident critique of her cramped living quarters, but responded in a defiant tone. “It’s okay, Kevin. These are just on loan from the library on the bottom floor, which I assure you is large enough to hold many thousands of volumes of this size. You could say it’s one of the perks of living in a huge castle compared to a treehouse, but I still miss Golden Oaks, and… oh dear, I’m going off track again. Let me just make a mug of my student Starlight Glimmer’s special cocoa, it always helps me concentrate. Would you like one?” “...No, thank you. I’ll take a few of those humongous marshmallows though, if that’s alright.” ‘Starlight Glimmer’. Another name to forget. And I thought I drew the short straw with ‘Summer Delight’... “Here you go.” She passed me a few of the aforementioned squidgy edibles as she slumped down in her easy chair, which I wasted no more time in shoving down my ravenous throat. “Now where should I begin…” “I usually find ‘the beginning’ is a good place to start.” I could appreciate that Twilight was trying to keep things calm for my sake, but her condescending attitude bordered on being patronising. Just because I resembled a foal now, didn’t mean that mentally I was one. “...Yes, of course. It all began on one normal day in Equestria. Quite boring, really. Which is why, when Discord… you’ll probably meet him later… materialised in The Map Room suddenly and said he wanted to ‘do something fun for a change’, I didn’t think and only said ‘okay, as long as you don’t try any of your usual tricks’. Little did I know of course, that just saying that to Discord was asking for trouble…” Author's Note Next chapter up. I have a bit of free time now 'til the weekend, so I thought I may as well make the most of it. Until next time, then. Live long and... something.
Chapter One: Up, up, and away!“Phew, it reeks in here! Anyway, which paddock was it again… 4…5…6? No, I’m holding the number upside down. Thank God. I wouldn’t want to be stuck with that decrepit old nag, who looks more like she’s destined for the glue factory than the Grand National. 7…8… 9. There’s my mare! Hi there girl, out you come… and, huh?!” Okay, freeze frame there. I suppose you, as the reader, are wondering how the heck a handsome chap like me landed himself in this madcap situation… whereupon I’d be obliged to provide a l-o-n-g convoluted explanatory introduction about my life up ‘til now, my personality, my appearance, my name, age, shoe size, turn-ons and turn-offs… Well, I don’t know about you, but I find all those pretentious prologues all kinds of tedious, don’t you? *Proceeds to give you one anyway* Hi, my name is Kevin. I have a second (and even a third) name, but that’s not very relevant right now, is it? I have brown hair, brown eyes and… white skin. Pretty ordinary, really. I am fourteen years old, and just started at this stupid remote expensive boarding school with mandatory croquet, etiquette and horse-riding lessons because my family thought I was ‘hanging out with the wrong crowd’. Not sure one tiny spliff of cannabis in my bottom drawer (where my hysterical mother shouldn’t have been snooping in the first place) equates to the end of Western Civilisation As We Know It, but anyway… My ‘concerned’ folks packed me off here. To leafy Staffordshire. Miles away in the rural countryside from any of my friends, loved ones, favourite hang-outs or even decent wi-fi service. They liked to show-off ‘what responsible comfortably-off middle-class parents are capable of’ they are, you see, by ‘temporarily removing me from the rougher elements of society ‘til I’m a more mature gentleman.’ Very bourgeois, I’m sure you agree. Even if my dad only owns his own plumbing firm, and my mum works for the civil service, somehow they plastered together the funds to wave me off to the other side of England, when we all could’ve had a nice extended holiday on a cruise throughout the hotspots of Europe instead. Go figure. The upshot of it is: I’m now stuck attending an elite educational residential institution full of posh pricks who wear straw hats and blazers in the blazing hot summer sun non-ironically, say things like ‘Tally-ho!’ and ‘Balderdash!’ in all seriousness during everyday conversation and won’t donate the meagre scraps left over from dinner to the local village food bank ‘in case hand-outs encourage the underprivileged riff-raff to breed’. Unbelievable, isn’t it? Boarding school ain’t like those whimsical and magical Harry Potter books at all, let me tell you. (Okay, so they didn’t exactly use the term ‘riff-raff’ in their full colour brochure, but I think you get the gist of their general ethos. And to include that line as a promotional boast, it’s just not on is it? Less JK Rowling, more Charles Dickens is what I’m getting at). Anyway, I’d had about a week of all these buck-toothed, self-entitled, Hurray Henrys laughing at my ‘shabby’ clothes, my ‘shaggy’ hairstyle, my Cockney accent (apparently, stinky old London is ‘too ethnically diverse’ these days) and even the ‘common’ way I walk. I could fill an entire story revolving around the sort of disturbing acts I’d like to visit upon these smarmy, snooty, slimy little c**ts. But imaginary violent revenge stories aren’t the point of the tall tale I’m about to tell, or the age rating on this would be a lot higher (and I’d be less inclined to bleep a lot of the more profane words, as you saw in the last paragraph). So I’ll skip all the annoying little incidents between me and the intolerable snobs here since my forced induction which have frequently left this social outcast at boiling point, and just arrive at the relevant juncture where my life changed forever. I stumbled into that nondescript stable one fine day expecting a brief trot around a muddy training field, and ended up with so much more. Not dressage. Not showjumping. Not even a nice game of polo. But a life-changing unforgettable experience which would echo throughout the ages, spread by generation after generation in hushed whispers over candlelight as the legend continued to grow, and… Well, perhaps I’m overselling it. Just a tad. But it was pretty f*cking wild and weird, to say the least. Are you ready? Standby to strap yourselves in (or jump in the saddle, to use a topical equestrian reference) and prepare to be dazzled! Or, just peruse the first chapter until you decide whether you wanna hang around or not. Either way works for me, I’m not getting paid for this in any case. Ciao! As I seem to remember mentioning before, I was all ready to jump on my noble steed, gallop outside amongst all the other buckin’ broncos and really show them what I was made of. Hi-ho Silver, away! Indeed. A few minor observations caused me to temporarily put my long-standing ambition of being the next Roy Rogers or John Wayne on hold though, and instead made me go all googly-eyed and stuttery like I’d just taken a sledgehammer directly to the bonce. More than once. Here, let me draw you a picture… Oops sorry, I forgot… this is strictly a non-illustrative story. I’m a much better writer than I am an artist though, so it’s all for the best. If there’s a lucrative market for stick men though, I’m in! Let’s move on, shall we…? “Y-You’re purple. Y-Your mane is so many different shades. Y-You have a horn. A-A starry tattoo. A-A-And are those wings?!” As you can see, I was on the cusp of having the mother of all freak-outs at discovering a hitherto unknown mythical creature at the back of St. Crispins School For Very Posh But Very Vicious And Disturbed Teenage Boys. It looked as if I’d be spending my latter educational days in a nice cushioned room without windows at the nearest asylum, which after dwelling amongst ‘the cream of aristocracy’ for the best part of seven days sounded more tempting than it probably should be. The only note of caution which completely stopped me totally losing my ever-loving mind was the sneaking suspicion that my fellow students here had set this up as some kind of ‘hilarious’ elaborate joke. I fully expected them to come out in their hundreds any minute now from carefully-chosen hidey-holes, pointing and sneering at my discomfort in that irritating way only young rich idiots can. Gee, how I’d love to take those silver spoons out of their yapping maws and shove them right up their… aaanndd we’re going off track again. “Very funny, guys! Don’t you think it’s a bit late now for an initiation prank? I’ve been here for a few days, at least! You should’ve put toothpaste in my bed, poured clotted cream into my luggage or left a cherry bomb underneath the toilet seat first night I was here. Oops I forgot, you did all that stuff already. Along with generally making my life a living hell since I arrived. Still, it’s all a bit sick, ain’t it? Putting purple dye on an innocent pony, sticking a pair of fake wings and a horn on her, spraying graffiti all over her flank then leaving her alone here for me to find as if any of this is actually funny. Trust you lot to pick on an animal who’s so much smaller than the rest of her peers, too. And what’s this engraved in a golden plaque on the stable door? ‘Twilight Sparkle’? That has to be the stupidest, lamest, made-up name for a pony I’ve ever heard in my entire…” “Excuse me, but my beloved parents Twilight Velvet and Night Light would not be pleased to hear you talk that way! They chose that name especially for me and it reflects my Cutie Mark, which I assure you isn’t in the least bit fake! Just like my horn and wings: you see I’m an alicorn, I’ve been kept prisoner here for a while, and I…” “AARRGGHH… mmmmmm.” Folks, do not adjust your sets. What you just heard there was, and I swear with every fibre of my being, a walking, talking horsie… I mean, pony, I mean, unicorn… I meant, ‘alicorn’, of course. Hey, what am I saying… I’m trying to be polite towards a creature that shouldn’t even exist in this modern age of the internet, Deliveroo and prescription drugs! (A few of which I was either on right now, or wish I was). But here she was, bedecked in full multicoloured and multi-starred glory, staring up at me with both slight concern for my panic-stricken demeanour, and undisguised indignation for the unintended insults I just dispensed directly to her. What the... now I’m ascribing exclusively human emotions to an animal, like I’d just stepped inside some kind of cheesy 40’s animated Disney movie! The way my day was going so far though, it wouldn’t be the biggest shock in the world if Mickey Mouse did appear from behind a stray bale of hay in full Sorcerer’s Apprentice regalia to start magically moving a bunch of brooms-with-hands about. This place could do with a bit of a tidy-up, anyway. Speaking of magic… well, actually I couldn’t ‘speak’ right now, because my mouth was currently sealed up with some kind of mystic spell this weird creature had cast upon me. I could tell this, by the way her horn had started glowing lavender at about the same time my tongue stopped working. And if you knew what a chatterbox I am by nature, this event was a minor miracle in itself. “I’m sorry I had to temporarily hush you Kevin, but I’ve been working too long and too hard towards my escape to endanger it now. I don’t really want to abandon you under these trying circumstances though, as it sounds like you have major friendship problems you need serious help with… what to do, what to do… I know! This may seem like quite an excessive step, but I can’t in all good conscience allow someone with more genuine compassion and morality than anyperson I’ve met here to stay and be bullied and mistreated along the lines you just unintentionally informed me of. You’re coming with me, where I can make sure you’re safe. Shall we depart?” At the same time as my mute self was trying to figure out how this now apparently psychic alicorn knew my first name, oh right, I have it as a tag on my riding jacket… at least something in Crazytown makes sense. I felt myself floating through the air towards her hindquarters before she spoke again, this time whilst deep in thought. “Hmm, you’re a bit too big to sit on my back as you are, so I’m afraid I’m going to have to change you temporarily. It’s just for a little while until we reach Ponyville and I’ve explained to all my friends where you came from, so try not to worry. Here goes…” The spell began taking place even as Twilight Sparkle spread her surprisingly vast feathery wings to take off, and I began getting the distinct impression of shrinking as we took to the air to fly far, far away. Naturally, all my clothes began falling off (oh dear, there go my jodhpurs) simultaneously as they could no longer house such a small frame, but oddly enough right at this moment unrequested major bodily modifications were the least of my worries. What was somewhere nearer the top of my list was: Where am I being taken? Will I ever see Earth again? Does she even have a flying licence? And why did my illegal abduction have to take place before Home Ec, the one lesson I’m actually good at and enjoy? Holy f*ck… when it’s not your day… But pondering and struggling would ultimately get me nowhere in this unfathomable situation I now found myself in. My alicorn chauffeur blasted through the roof of the stable with her Awesome Magic Laser Ray (of course) and then we were well off, flying at an impossibly high speed through the clear blue with me strapped in at the back unable to move an inch. As we left the familiar confines of my home planet altogether, I thought I caught a brief glimpse of all my former classmates outside staring up in awe at me as I left them far behind, just like in The Neverending Story. Only difference was, I was astride an alicorn making a swift getaway rather than a Luck Dragon from the mythical land of Fantasia. And I’m pretty sure Bastion Bux wasn’t completely naked during his long post-movie flight. That would’ve sent the censors a bit doolally, dontcha think? Still, it’s not like I had much more time to consider my brand new compact form or even what lay ahead in my increasingly uncertain future. We flew past clouds, birds, even an aeroplane or two, before quickly penetrating the troposphere, stratosphere, mesosphere… then it was as if time and space itself seemed to rip apart, and dimensional barriers ceased to exist… Not that I was awake for any of this malarkey, of course. The sheer shock of the horseback ride to end all rides and hardly being able to breathe so high up quickly put paid to that fanciful notion, and there was a huge pending question mark about what kind of world I’d wake up to when I eventually found myself back in the land of the living. Goodnight, y’all. Make sure no-one touches my things while I’m away, ya hear? Author's Note Just a little something I felt inclined to write, based on a dream I had last night. If only all my nighttime expeditions were this fruitful. For instance, my trip to empty the bins the evening before was for nothing. NOTHING. Anyway, If you want more, do let me know. Cheerio!
Chapter Two: Eavesdropping.“I am not going to that stupid boarding school in the middle of nowhere, and you can’t make me! There’s nothing wrong with Romford Comprehensive, all my friends are here and you’re just being totally unfair!” “Kevin, your mother and I have discussed this at great length, and we decided together that it’s in your best interests…” “Oh, I see, Dad. So now all of a sudden you're making big decisions about my future behind my back, and I’m supposed to just accept this? Maybe you shouldn’t have had a son at all; perhaps a robot would’ve been a better choice! You should’ve ordered one from Japan, I hear they’re all the rage there!” “I told you he wouldn’t understand, dear. He never appreciates anything we ever do for him. He’d rather hang out with his delinquent ‘friends’ down Oxford Circus who drink underage, shoplift regularly and stay out all night. If only you’d disciplined him properly when he was a child, we wouldn’t be having any of this petulant backtalk…” “You think threatening me with a spanking, forcing me to stand in the corner all day or confiscating my Nintendo DS as a little kid would’ve changed who I am today, Mum? Yeah, right! And you leave my friends out of this! You don’t care about me, you’re only worried about how any ‘bad publicity’ might impact your big government job! I think the major issue here is how I hardly ever saw either of you growing up, you were too busy at your jobs to see if I was okay or not. Newsflash: I wasn’t, but you never took the time to listen. So if I have ‘fallen in with the wrong crowd’ and you want someone to blame, try looking in the mirror!” “Okay, Harold… if you won’t be a man and punish your son, I suppose it’s up to me! Go to your room this minute, Kevin! You can come back down when you’re ready to apologise to both of us, then you can have your dinner…” “Well, looks like I’ll be up there forever then because I ain’t saying sorry when I ain’t done anything wrong. Besides, your home-cooking is no incentive for me to apologise… in fact, quite the reverse. You do realise the reason we never have rats anymore is because they scavenged our larder once for leftovers, and it practically wiped out the entire colony overnight?” “Right that’s it, young man!! How dare you insult Maureen… Mum’s food she prepares especially for us! You can just stay up there all night now without supper, in fact you might as well start packing your things. You leave in a week, no questions asked, full stop!” “Fine, fine… I’m going! Just bear this in mind though, when you both retire and are unable to look after yourselves, guess who gets to decide whether you go in a home or not? Here’s a sneak preview: I ain’t wiping anyone’s…” “OUT!!” As both my irate parents shouted at me in unison, I wisely wasted no more time in their miserable company. I stomped up the stairs as loud as I could, making sure I slammed my bedroom door twice for good measure to indicate just how strongly I felt about being relocated so far away without even being consulted on the matter. Everything I knew growing up in London and was familiar with... gone, just like that. Little did I know, as I intentionally cranked up my rock music to the max and practised my air guitar whilst bouncing off the walls, the mere few hundred miles between home and St Crispin’s would be a drop in the ocean compared to the distance in light years and dimensional travel where I was soon to find myself. And the fuss they make about putting a man (or woman, let’s be fair) on Mars. Pffff! “... He’s so cute! And tiny! I wanna pinch his little cheeks until they turn red, and fluff up his hair 'til it looks like mine! Can I please pet him, please Twilight? I promise to be gentle!” “I don’t think that would be a good idea, Pinkie Pie. I know how rough you can be with your ‘pets’. He’s been through a very hard ordeal, and he needs a nice long rest. That means… no surprise ‘Welcome To Ponyville’ parties until he feels all better, is that clear?” “I’m still a bit confused though, Sugarcube. You say he was being held with you on this ‘Urth’ planet and you escaped together, but you don’t know his name yet? How is that even…” “O-Of course I know his name, Applejack… it’s ‘Summer Delight’. I was just all so happy to see all you girls again, that it completely slipped my mind to properly introduce him. So now you know.” ‘Tiny’? I’m 5’7, which is generally considered big for my age. And ‘Summer Delight’? That’s not who I am! I’m Kevin! Also, who the heck are Pinkie Pie, Applejack and Sugarcube? ‘Twilight’ though… that definitely rings a bell… “I think it’s a perfectly lovely name, Twilight! Plus, I adore his coat. It’s light yellow, just like mine! It really goes with his orange mane, don’t you think?” “I suppose so Fluttershy, but my main concern was getting him out of there in one piece. A colt so young can’t fend for himself in such a hostile world, and I’m not sure how powerful his magic is yet. I mean, it took Sweetie Belle years to learn how to levitate a broom properly, and Summer is at least a couple of years younger than her…” What are those mad ladies prattling on about now? I have brown hair everywhere, even in areas I don’t care to disclose; not a trace of yellow or orange anywhere! I can’t do any magic tricks either, not even if you gave me a magician’s hat onstage preloaded with all manner of rabbits, handkerchiefs and another person’s watch. I’d accidentally kill the bunnies, lose the hankies and smash the poor bloke’s Rolex! And what’s this I hear about a ‘young colt’...! “Well Twilight, I think it’s simply smashing that Sweetie will have another little unicorn to play with around Ponyville, she can be like a big sister to him! The only other young unicorns she tends to associate with are that ‘lovable’ duo Snips and Snails, and I’m afraid the best thing you can say about them is that they mean well…” “ I’m sure Summer and Sweetie will be the best of friends, Rarity, along with Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and the rest of Miss Cheerilee's class. But you’ll have to be patient with him: he doesn’t remember what Equestrian life is like at all having spent so much time away, so for the moment just to be on the safe side I’ll be teaching him at the Castle Of Friendship. He’ll be staying here too, until he gets settled down. It’s only right, considering I flew him here in the first place.” Seriously everyone, enough with the unicorn talk. I’m not a pony, I’m a human being… wait a sec. Where are my hands… I can’t feel my hands!! My clothes are gone… why does my nose feel so… what’s this pointy nub sticking out the top of my… and since when was there fur all over my… wake up, Kevin, wake up! This is not a drill, you need to open your eyes. NOW!! “But what about his pare…Um, Twi? You know you told me to keep an eye on Summer Delight over here?” “Yes, Rainbow Dash… what about it?” “I think he may be coming to. If the mumblings and grumblings in his sleep are anything to go by, that is.” “I think a bigger clue is the fact his eyelids are beginning to flicker, but thank you for informing me, Rainbow. Hi there, Summer! How are you feeling… sorry about this, Kevin. I’ll explain everything in due course, I swear…” The magical mare (whose voice I now recognised as Twilight Sparkle from the stables earlier) privately whispering that last part in my now floppy ear was enough to jolt me to attention… and reader, words cannot quite adequately describe my feelings at opening my peepers for the first time since my apparent death-defying journey through the very fabric of the space time continuum. Eye-bleedingly pastel colours. Everywhere. Enough to make you want to put on a pair of sunglasses, and never take them off again. As unbearably garish as my surroundings were now though, they were as nothing compared to the six cartoonish pony-like faces crammed around my line of vision, jostling about like I was some prize attraction at a freak show. Pink, white, blue, purple… there’s more of a selection here than a M&M’s multipack. And what’s with the reflective crystalline wall… oh dear. Oh dear, indeed. Funnily enough, seeing my radically changed appearance for the first time came as a bit of a shock. Let’s say, about a thousand volts worth. Please tell me that this is all just some awful nightmare… I don’t actually have four hooves, a multicoloured orange mane and yellow coat, a tiny horn and an overwhelming desire to eat grass for the rest of my equine life… Sadly, as you’ve no doubt figured out by now, no manner of prodding, pinching or bashing my head against the post of the huge bed where I now lay(ow)could persuade me that this hallucinogenic experience was anything less than cold, hard reality. I was no longer Kevin. I was no longer human. I was no longer a resident of the Earth, The Milky Way, or the entire Solar System come to think of it. Instead, I was a young and allegedly cute unicorn colt in a newly-discovered land called Equestria. A very small colt, at that. First name Summer, second name Delight. Marvellous. Just brilliant. Why does my new title sound like a sugary soft drink full of E numbers? Why am I even asking this question? That’s the least of my worries, right now. I’m not even getting into the imposing castle I now apparently reside in, or the dragon-like creature curiously poking its head around the doorway to look in, just behind its pony brethren. It was all too much to take in at once, so I did the only rational thing I could at this most tense of moments. I fainted dead away once more. Hopefully, when I roused myself again, all evidence of abusive boarding schools, pushy, neglectful parents and magical talking ponies will be eliminated from the history books once and for all. Well, you know what they say… two out of three ain’t bad. Author's Note Well, let's keep the ball rolling with the second chapter. I hope you're enjoying the story so far... it appears you are by the reception its been getting! Thanks for following and favouriting it... and I'll see you all again real soon.
Chapter Three: Explanations.“Mmmmmm…” I woke up and stretched profusely, still only half-awake but well aware that I was surrounded by pitch blackness, a faint sense of displacement… and most vehemently of all, a gnawing sensation coming from a very empty tummy. Must be time for one of my famous patented Kevin Late Night Feast Specials. Doritos, salsa dip, white chocolate, Diet Coke. Hold the cheese and coffee though please… don’t want any nightmares now, do we? Real life is bad enough… I tumbled out from under the ocean-like proportions of my capacious bedspread funny, I don’t remember my mattress being that immense and clumsily attempted to balance myself on two legs. For some reason I kept falling onto my front, almost as if my body was instinctively willing for me to crawl to its destination… fine useless limbs, you win. Geez, did I finish off the last of that hash earlier? It must’ve been some seriously powerful stuff, to have such an intoxicating effect on my brain. Maybe I should reduce the dosage by half in the future, until I get accustomed to it. Whatever off-kilter effect the cannabis was having upon my standard equilibrium also seemed to affect my long-term memory, as it took me at least another five minutes to locate the bedroom door (which was a chore to even open, like I was wearing a pair of oven mitts) until I was at long last out in the corridor. Now, where are the stairs? Let’s throw a little light on the subject… aanndd of course, I can’t find the light switch. Weirder and weirder. Am I ‘round a mate’s house or something, and I ‘forgot’ to tell my parents I was staying overnight? Won’t they be pissed off. Heehee, good. Despite the seemingly endless dark void which surrounded me from every conceivable angle, my addled brain had somehow reached the foolhardy conclusion that if I fumbled around long enough, I’d be able to find my bearings. Also add to the equation I was currently so hungry I could literally eat a horse (a comment that would come back to ‘bite’ me, no pun intended), the complete absence of light or recognition of my layout was never going to stop this trooper from finding the kitchen to stuff himself with copious amounts of snack-related digestibles! Ow… spiky wall. Ouch… pricked by the wall again. Whoever designed this house must be some kind of masochist, as there seems to be sharp edges at each turn. Every time I bumped into something on my perilous quest for the fridge it hurt like hell, almost like having the tip of a knife sticking into me. Ever-so-slightly annoying (not to mention painful) but who am I to question interior decoration which must resemble some kind of hedgehog? Despite the numerous obstacles in my path though, I’d come this far already and wasn’t about to give up yet. After all, did my forefathers lay down their arms when Nazi Germany tried invading the British Isles during World War I and II? …Okay, that was only number two, but you get my point. If my grandparents and their parent’s parents could fend off invading forces during times of great hardship, then surely I shouldn’t back down in my aimless pursuit of high-calorie sustenance. Let’s try over…ARRRGH!! Yes everyone, once again I let common sense be usurped by my own inflated bravado and ended up falling head-over-heels for roughly ten seconds straight, finally coming to a dazed heap on the floor below. I’d found the stairs alright, but not quite descended them in the casual manner I’d planned. Some people might say this was karma for trivialising the two Great Wars, to which I’d respond by calling you a heartless bastard and block you on Facebook, Insta, Tik Tok… all that. So there! “...Hello? Who’s down there? Summer, is that you?” A female voice I knew only too well at this stage rang out from just above my bruised and confused head, before a light finally came on so I could actually see what I was doing. My head quickly began to clear after my somewhat hurtful run-ins with the crystal walls and the subsequent trip down these steps, my eyes swiftly moving to reappraise my body like I did earlier, this time with a great deal more lucidity. Yep, still just as tiny as ever, with a mess of orange and yellow hair everywhere and four blunt hooves instead of the fingered-and-toed hands and legs I was far more acquainted with. There was nothing else I needed to confirm. I screamed. Cried. I even tried calling out for my Mum and Dad just to give you a view of how desperate the situation was for me (not that they would’ve cared, but I was despairing for any familiar face at this point) before I felt the waft of something softly landing nearby, and being held close by a comfortably furry and feathery presence. “Shh Summer, everything’s okay. You’re safe now, back in Equestria. Sorry I didn’t stay with you while you napped, but I had so much paperwork to catch up on while I was away I asked Spike to watch over you for me… Spike? Where are you? I thought I told you to keep this young one under supervision for just a few hours while I worked. What were you playing at? He could’ve been seriously hurt!” Twilight Sparkle’s harsh words permeated the atmosphere as her horn lit up the surrounding area like a Christmas tree (is there anything that handy dandy attachment can’t do? Manipulating matter, blasting things, transformative magic… yeah. I’d rather not dwell on that last one). All of a sudden, the diminutive draconic figure I noticed from before I lost consciousness the second time appeared close by, blearily yawning but appearing genuinely apologetic in his remorse of letting his ‘charge’ give him the slip. “S-Sorry Twi. Must’ve just dozed off there for a second. I spent all day queuing up for the latest limited edition Mane-iac comic. It was supposed to come with this cool holographic poster, but my copy didn’t even have it inside! So naturally I had to stand in line yet again to receive it, then stand in another line to complain, then…” “I’m not interested in your excuses! We have a child staying with us for the foreseeable future, and I want to make sure he’s properly protected. Can I rely on you to help me out on this very important matter…?” “Y-Yes, of course Twi, and I'm really sorry. Do you want me to take him back to his room now? I can help tuck him in, but I’m not very good at bedtime stories.” “No, it’s alright Spike… you go back to bed and let me handle this. You don’t have to keep apologising for an honest mistake either, but this is an adjustment all of us are going to have to get used to. Thanks for coming down to check on him anyway, and sweet dreams.” “Okay. Goodnight Twi… and, Summer.” The flightless reptile apparently named ‘Spike’ acknowledged me with a wink as he staggered his way back to his sleeping quarters, assuring once and for all that any potential career as a babysitter was gazumped before it’d even begun. I suspect he didn’t mind that much, though. Twilight waited for a few minutes until the coast was clear, then she looked down sympathetically at my discombobulated form caught somewhere between her hooves and wings. “Kevin, I can’t apologise enough. If I’d known my friends would be here all day upon my return and refuse to leave… if I’d thought that Spike would neglect his duty by allowing you to wander off like that in my castle… I never would’ve…” “A dragon? Cohabiting with a pony? How does that work?!” Out of all the millions and trillions of possible questions which had just formulated in my ailing brain, my very first coherent sentence in this new world of ‘Equestria’ (I’d already done a bit of moaning and groaning before, but I don’t think that really counts) why did it have to be that? Not ‘why the heck have you taken me to the other side of the universe’. Or even ‘change me back now, you interfering purple hoofbag’. But something as low-key as enquiring as to this odd couple’s living arrangement. I don’t know, maybe I was so wigged out at this stage that I craved the banality of normal conversation for once. Wait, is that my voice? I sound like a squeaky prepubescent kid. Maybe because I am now. Drat it… Twilight seemed equally surprised by the nonchalance of my query, but quickly answered with a warm smile. “Me and Spike have been together for years. I’ve known him since he hatched from an egg whilst I attended Princess Celestia’s School For Gifted Unicorns, and we’ve been inseparable ever since. But I don’t think you want me to get into that now. I’m sure you’re much more eager to hear why I brought you here, why I transformed you the way I did, how I ended up on Earth and what our next steps are regarding you going forward…” “Yes! Please! In that order!” I snarled at Twilight, slightly taken aback that she’d managed to cover all the bases so easily. “And do it now.” “I was going to, seeing as we’re finally alone and you seem much more relaxed and alert. By the way, sorry about the name. It was something I had to think of on the hoof quickly, when Applejack was interrogating me earlier. I believe it matches your appearance quite well though, don’t you? Orange? Yellow? Summer Delight? Don’t worry, I’ll only call you by it when I think others are listening…” “Never mind. Let’s just hear the explanation, then I’ll decide if I want to phone for a lawyer or not.” I tried to sound threatening, but in my new higher-pitched voice I just resembled a moody child who’d been refused an extra ice cream cone. Still, Twilight politely deposited me back on the floor and (on all fours, more difficult than it looks) I followed her glowing horn back upstairs to what must’ve been her study area, if the desk and the hundreds upon hundreds of hardback books stacked haphazardly around and lying open on the ground were anything to go by. “Let me guess… you like reading? You need to be more careful with hoarding on that scale: my uncle started up a collection of Games Workshop board games and miniatures in their original boxes which ended up being worth thousands; he still got evicted from his bungalow, though. It’s all fun and games ‘til you can’t get out the back door and friends refuse to visit… then, you’ve got a problem.” Twilight visibly blushed at my strident critique of her cramped living quarters, but responded in a defiant tone. “It’s okay, Kevin. These are just on loan from the library on the bottom floor, which I assure you is large enough to hold many thousands of volumes of this size. You could say it’s one of the perks of living in a huge castle compared to a treehouse, but I still miss Golden Oaks, and… oh dear, I’m going off track again. Let me just make a mug of my student Starlight Glimmer’s special cocoa, it always helps me concentrate. Would you like one?” “...No, thank you. I’ll take a few of those humongous marshmallows though, if that’s alright.” ‘Starlight Glimmer’. Another name to forget. And I thought I drew the short straw with ‘Summer Delight’... “Here you go.” She passed me a few of the aforementioned squidgy edibles as she slumped down in her easy chair, which I wasted no more time in shoving down my ravenous throat. “Now where should I begin…” “I usually find ‘the beginning’ is a good place to start.” I could appreciate that Twilight was trying to keep things calm for my sake, but her condescending attitude bordered on being patronising. Just because I resembled a foal now, didn’t mean that mentally I was one. “...Yes, of course. It all began on one normal day in Equestria. Quite boring, really. Which is why, when Discord… you’ll probably meet him later… materialised in The Map Room suddenly and said he wanted to ‘do something fun for a change’, I didn’t think and only said ‘okay, as long as you don’t try any of your usual tricks’. Little did I know of course, that just saying that to Discord was asking for trouble…” Author's Note Next chapter up. I have a bit of free time now 'til the weekend, so I thought I may as well make the most of it. Until next time, then. Live long and... something.
