The Absentminded Prince

by Ficta_Scriptor

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Flurry Heart, Comedy, Shining Armor
Length: 2422

Shining Armor is tasked with looking after Flurry Heart for a whole day. The results are... mixed.

With Cadance off on important royal business for an entire day, it's up to Shining Armor to look after his two-year-old tike, Flurry Heart, until her mother gets back. But surely this loving, albeit absentminded father is up to the task. Right? Right!?

Written for the Shining Armor is a Terrible Dad 2024 Competition.

Published 2024-03-26 19:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-03-26 19:50:00 UTC

This should be easy, right?

“Little Sabrina could see a bright light in the distance, shining between the rows of trees. She felt a burst of energy and ran towards the light, leaping over logs and burrows. She quickly reached the edge of the forest, and what did she find?”

Flurry Heart gasped and threw her hooves up in delight. “May-doe!”

Shining Armor turned the page. “That’s right, sweetie. Little Sabrina stepped out into a beautiful meadow, golden and shimmering under the light of the sun. She had…” Shining Armor yawned and rubbed his eyes. “She had never seen anything so wonderful in all her life. It had made the treacherous journey through the deep, dark forest even more worthwhile.”

“Yay!” Flurry Heart clapped joyfully. “Liddle S’brina!”

“Yes, sweetie.” Go to sleep, you little brat. Shining Armor turned the page. “Little Sabrina ran through the meadow, prancing through the tall grass with a big smile on her face. She reached a fence at the edge of the meadow and looked back over her shoulder to see how far she had come.” I am completely exhausted, you little crotch-goblin. Daddy can’t take much more of this. “She felt invigorated, ready to tackle the rest of her journey. But now there was a path, and where did this lead?”

“Billage!” Flurry Heart cried.

“Yes, sweetie. A village.” Are you not bored of this book yet? How many times have we read it to you? Stupid child! “Little Sabrina trotted towards the village and saw a blacksmith hammering horseshoes. ‘Mister Blacksmith,’ she hollered.” Close your f―ing eyes! I’m begging you! “’Do you know the way to…’”

“… and then at five o’ clock she needs her dinner, that’s some chopped pieces of avocado and apricot and make sure you add a little water and mush them up so it’s easy enough for her to swallow.”

“Yes, dear.”

“And then after that she needs a bath, and make sure it’s not too hot, or too cold, but not lukewarm! She really doesn’t like that. And she can have a little bubble bath, but not too much.”

“Yes, I’ve got that, dear.”

“And another thing, you should… wait!” Cadance began bustling about the room, checking under cushions, in drawers, underneath furniture, then charged into their bedroom, returning with a stack of documents in a binder. “Celestia above, if I’d forgotten these.”

“Look, everything’s going to be fine,” Shining Armor said, pulling his wife into a tight hug and giving her a kiss. “You’ve got this.”

“I know, I know,” Cadance said with an exasperated sigh. “But you know how these things are, right? So many eyes on me, and I have mayors and chancellors and delegates to meet, and if I’m late or I say the wrong thing…”

“Hey, chin up!” Shining Armor said. “You’re a natural at this stuff. Just take a deep breath and do what you do best.”

“It doesn’t feel that way to me,” Cadance said anxiously. “If I make it look easy, trust me, it's not like that on the inside. And I’m going to be gone all day. I won’t get a chance to rest.”

“Like I said.” Shining Armor caressed his wife’s nape and kissed her again. “You’ve got this.”

Cadance pouted defiantly for a moment before breaking out into a massive smile. “Thanks, Shining. I appreciate it.” Her delighted expression quickly turned to one of extreme worry. “But what about you, Shining? You’re going to be looking after Flurry Heart all by yourself, and you won’t have anyone to call on.”

“Yes, I know that, dear.”

“She needs to catch up on her studies, and make sure she brushes her teeth after every meal, but not too soon after every meal! She needs her milk, and make sure you burp her properly. Oh, and she needs some fresh air. And make sure you get some food for tonight as I won’t have time for supper while I’m on business. I’ll be home at nine pm sharp, barring some kind of otherworldly threat or natural disaster.”

“Cadance.” Shining Armor chuckled. “We’ll be fine. I can always follow the schedule you’ve so graciously written.”

Cadance’s eyes narrowed. “Yes, but you know what happened last time.”

“All I’m saying is, that room was due for renovations anyway. A few scratches here, some torn carpet there, a few holes in the walls… What does any of that matter, eh?”

“Oh, haystacks!” Cadance exclaimed, looking at the clock on the wall. “If I don’t go now, I’m going to be late. Take care! And make sure she gets to bed on time! Goodbye!” With that, Cadance bolted from Shining Armour’s grasp, slamming the door behind her.

Shining Armor puffed out his chest and struck the pose he liked to make while checking himself out in the mirror. “What’s she so worried about? I’ve got this. Now, where’s that schedule?” It would be roughly thirty-four minutes before Cadance would discover the schedule tucked into the stack of documents, having been put there by Shining Armor after being asked to ‘tidy up’, the memory of which hit him in that moment like a four-seater carriage. Just then, the sound of Flurry Heart’s ear-splitting wails could be heard throughout the house. Shining Armor groaned, his entire body heaving. “Celestia, give me strength.”

What followed was much like a dream. Well, a nightmare. Shining Armor toiled endlessly with Flurry Heart’s toys and puppets, making all kinds of silly voices and creating a treasure trove of characters that would make A. K. Yearling blush, all in an effort to make Flurry Heart stop crying before realizing that, yes, two-year-olds can and will empty their bowels into their worn attire, and he set about changing her. This task was completed with minimal issues (aside from Flurry Heart making more of a mess of things by trying to fly away during the process) and then it was on to breakfast, after which Shining Armor completely drew a blank on what to do for the next “Thirteen hours!” he cried, putting his head into his hooves.

A perfectly reasonable idea to keep Flurry Heart occupied was presented by none other than the toddler herself, exclaiming “pictor, pictor!” while running around in circles, nearly bumping into tables and chairs at every turn.

And so, Shining Armor brought out reams of paper and some crayons, and soon the two of them were drawing pictures together, Shining Armor gasping with fake ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ at what was supposed to be a dog but looked like a horse, and what was supposed to be a horse but looked like a house, and so on. To his surprise, he found himself giddy with childlike joy at drawing his own pictures, adding little details to the swashbuckling hero with a jawline that could make mares swoon, a flowing blue mane, a gleaming suit of armor, his trusty hallowed shield and the holy blade Excalibuck in his grasp, “Yeah!” about to charge bravely against the monstrous Sombra, his fang-filled mouth agape in terror as the thick blackness of his evil magic is slashed asunder by the― “No, sweetie! Don’t eat the crayons!” Shining Armor rushed to the other side of the table in a state of panic. “Okay, sweetie. Say ‘ah’.”

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” All gone. No more happy yellow suns for little Flurry Heart and little Shining Armor. They would have to make do with orange.

“Oh, thank Celestia, they’re non-toxic,” Shining Armor gasped, slumping to the floor as he read the back of the box. “Okay, sweetie. Now would be a perfect time to brush your teeth!”

The remainder of the day carried on in much the same way. Shining Armor tried sharpening Flurry Heart’s skills in the ancient art of mathematics. “Okay, if I have one apple, and I add one more apple, what do I have?”

“Apples!” Flurry Heart cried joyfully.

“No, let’s try that again, sweetie.” Come on, you little idiot. It’s two. The answer is two! “I have one apple, but then I add one more apple, so how many apples do I have?”

Flurry Heart put a hoof to her open mouth and gazed up at him, deep in thought. “Uh…” Then she shrugged. “No apples.”

“It’s two! Two apples!” Shining Armor cried. “I would have two apples!”

“No.” Flurry Heart’s lip trembled. Her eyes began to water. “No apples, Daddy.”

“Aw, sweetie.” Shining Armor quickly pulled his daughter into a cuddle. “The apples are imaginary, Flurry Heart. You see? You have to i-m-a-g-i-n-e the apples.”

“No apples,” Flurry Heart sniffed, shaking her head sadly. “No apples, Daddy. Why?”

To prevent Flurry Heart’s entire world from crumbling and the creation of a core memory that would haunt her for the rest of her days, Shining Armor decided he would have to buy apples. And crayons. And some dinner to welcome Cadance home with. And corndogs. And hopefully the will to live, providing they sold it at the market.

After deliberating on what would make for the most fabulous meal for the most fabulous of wives, Shining Armor finally selected one of Burrito Bob’s Big Big Bean Burritos, so named because not only was the burrito itself big, but the beans used in the making of said burrito were also big, hence the Big Big Bean Burrito. He bought it mostly because it came pre-packaged, pre-prepared, and would take only pre-heating the oven as a pre-emptive measure, saving precious seconds that could be spent snoozing on the sofa. Flurry Heart was enthralled by the apples (and seemed all too keen to count them now that she wasn’t overwhelmed by the perils of existentialism) and made no effort to eat any of the new crayons. Aside from a brief encounter with some pigeons (which Flurry Heart followed for a little while Shining Armor perused the parade of corndogs, resulting in an impromptu game of 'catch the pigeon-catcher') the trip outside into the freshest of air proved more tiring than demoralizing, which was a marked improvement.

Flurry Heart cheerily ate her avocado and apricot mush and just as cheerily vomited it into Shining Armor’s face. “I guess I fed you a little too much, huh?” he said, before another stream of vomit went directly into his mouth. Then it was time for Flurry Heart to pretend she was invisible while Shining Armor shrieked and gasped at the floating quills and rustling curtains, crying out for help from a ghost FOR FOUR STRAIGHT HOURS without any reprieve, lest he ruin Flurry Heart’s efforts to explore her deepest desire of terrifying others for her own pleasure. I wonder where she gets that from? Shining Armor mused, feeling his energy deplete with each passing moment.

Soon enough it was evening, and bath time. This should simmer the little terror down, Shining Armor thought to himself as he turned on the faucet and added the bubble bath mixture, like a mad scientist stirring together an evil concoction. Flurry Heart bobbed and weaved in the bath, laughing and playing with her little toy boat and making engine sounds. “Okay,” Shining Armor murmured, failing to stifle a long, drawn-out yawn. “Let’s wash your mane and tail.” His eyelids began to droop of their own accord. “Let’s make a… Oh…” Another yawn. “Little bubble beard for the little bubble… Uh…” Beginning to drift off. Flurry Heart was laughing and looking up at him. “And get yourself nice and clean.” Shining Armor closed his eyes, opened them, closed his eyes, opened them, closed his eyes…

…

…

!!!

Shining Armor was jolted awake and immediately let out a panicked scream. He grabbed Flurry Heart, who was laying facedown in the…!

It was just a stuffed toy.

Flurry Heart was standing behind him and erupted into a fit of giggles. “I twick Daddy! Hahaha!”

“Oh, you sure did!” Shining Armor said, his heart in his mouth and a crazed grin on his face. He grabbed Flurry Heart and lifted her above his head. “And I could hold you down ‘til the bubbles stop for doing that! Yes I could! Yes I could!”

“Hahaha! Bubbles!” Flurry Heart yelped, flicking bubbles into Shining Armor’s eyes. And then she cried because her favorite stuffed toy was now wet.

“And so Little Sabrina, who was not so little anymore, stood before her brothers and sisters and proudly said, ‘So you see, even the greatest of journeys start with a single step.’ The End. And I hope to Celestia that you’re finally asleep.” Shining Armor looked to the tiny form wrapped in a blanket, her eyes closed, her breathing slow and measured, and nary an ounce of running or jumping or flying around in sight. He sighed in abject relief and put the book to one side. “My little angel,” he whispered, kissing her on the forehead. The clock on the wall showed half-eight, almost time for Cadance’s awaited return.

With several yawns in succession, on the very edge of sleep, Shining Armor groggily finished the last of the day’s tasks and put Flurry Heart to bed. Then he lurched to the sofa, spread himself wide and quickly drifted off into the land of nod.

“Shining? Honey?”

“Mm?” Shining Armor opened an eye. “Oh, Cadance! You’re back!”

“And about time too,” Cadance said with a sigh. “I’ve had one heck of a day. How about you? How was Flurry Heart?”

“Well.” Shining Armor shrugged. “It was nothing.”

“I’m sure it was,” Cadance said with a chuckle. She sniffed the air. “Smells good. Glad to know you’ve got dinner sorted. What are we having?”

“Burrito!” Shining Armor exclaimed, stretching out his forelegs.

Cadance rolled her eyes. “Shining, you know spicy food upsets my tummy. But at least it’s better than corndogs,” she said mirthfully, kissing him on the lips and ruffling his mane.

Shining Armor leaned back and put his hooves behind his head, cricked his neck and took a deep breath. He thought back on the day’s events, the trials, the tribulations, the moments of joy and despair, felt every ache in his body, and mulled it all over. Yeah, he thought. It’s all worth it in the end.

“Honey?”

“Mm?” Shining Armor lolled his head.

“Honey.”

“Yeah? What?”

“Honey.”

Shining Armor’s eyes flew open.

“Honey, where's Flurry Heart? And why is there a burrito in her bed?”

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Cadance booped him on the nose. “Just kidding!”

“CADANCE YOU F―”

Author's Note

:trollestia: Gotcha!