Canon Ponies Meet Fanon Ponies

by KnoFear

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 9315

You know where this is going.

The canon version of our favorite ponies come into contact with the fanon versions. If you know the fanon well, you can probably guess where this is going. Warning: there will be sex. Probably.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-04 23:21:00 UTC

Chapter 1: Rainbow Dash

Canon Ponies Meet Fanon Ponies

Chapter 1: Rainbow Dash

The rushing air, the clouds, and that super-warm sunshine. That’s what Rainbow Dash loved about flying, and she could do it whenever she wanted to.

It was a calm and sunny day in Ponyville, with only a few stray clouds in the sky thanks to the amazingly fast work of Rainbow Dash and the other pegasi. This excluded Fluttershy, of course, and Rainbow Dash chuckled at her friend’s ironic fear of heights.

But that didn’t matter to Rainbow Dash at the moment. All she cared about was flying as fast and as clean as she could. She wasn’t going to pull off a sonic rainboom, because that would startle the shit out of everypony, but she definitely wanted to feel like the fastest pony ever. So she relaxed her muscles, streamlined her body, and made a beeline for a cloud not too far away.

In mere seconds she had rammed her way through it, the cloud breaking up into the water droplets it was made of. Rainbow Dash loved the cooling effect it gave her, and slowed down just a little tiny bit afterwards to enjoy it.

Dash began to hover, wondering what kind of supreme awesome amazing trick she could pull off without having everypony down below notice and freak out. She looked up, and saw the big orb in the sky that was Celestia’s sun.

That’s it! I’ll fly as close to the sun as I can go!

So she steeled herself for awesomeness, and rocketed upwards towards the sun. She didn’t stare at it (that would make her blind, duh), but her years of flying experience meant she knew how to keep going straight at her target.

Up and up she flew, gaining several feet (hooves?) every second. It started out a pretty easy trick, but the higher she went the more strained Dash became. The air was getting thinner and making it harder for her to pump her wings, and the atmosphere was getting a lot colder.

Darn, I thought getting closer to the sun would make me warmer!

But she kept pushing on; she was no wimp, and she was certain she could touch the sun if she tried. Rainbow Dash sped even faster upwards, at this point not even visible from the ground below if anypony were to look up. She started to feel light-headed, and considered throwing up. But Dash didn’t want to send a wad of puke rocketing towards the ground at high speed, so she held it in. After all, puking during a flight would ruin her reputation.

Rainbow Dash was beginning to wonder why she hadn’t reached the sun yet. It wasn’t THAT far away, so she should have gotten to it by now. Without opening her eyes, she’d never be able to tell how close she was. Dash wasn’t sure she could hold out much longer; she had to look, had to find out if this was even possible.

Rainbow Dash let her eyelids shoot open, intending to look for the briefest possible amount of time. What she saw was intense; the sun was huge before her, and it looked brighter than ever. It looked exactly like Celestia’s cutie mark made it out to be, and it was hypnotic. Dash closed her eyes quickly, and reached out to touch it, expecting to feel its scorching heat.

Instead, she felt a surface that was hard and mildly cool, yet furry.

What the hell? Why is the sun not, like, super-duper hot? And why is it fuzzy?

Rainbow Dash cocked her head away, and chanced a small peek to confirm whether she was touching the sun or not.

What she saw blew her mind; she was touching somepony’s hoof. And not just anypony’s hoof, but her own. There was another Rainbow Dash right in front of her! Both ponies looked at each other with blank faces of awe. It all became too much for Rainbow Dash, and she fainted, plummeting right out of the sky.

Rainbow Dash slowly blinked her eyes open, her head still groggy from the fall and her body still sore. But she was much more worried about what had woken her up in the first place: her own voice, being projected towards herself. And it definitely wasn’t her own mouth moving.

Dash sat up, and was met with a prideful grin. From herself. Apparently the second Rainbow Dash she had seen up in the sky was all too real, and right there with her.

“Oh hey, you’re awake! Good, I didn’t want to have to take you to that crappy hospital. I’ve been in there, and it’s just SO boring.”

This Rainbow Dash even spoke with the same little inflection on every word that one would expect of her, and she was just as showy. Rainbow Dash got to her feet, and narrowed her eyes at this obvious impostor.

“Who the hay are you, and why do you look and sound exactly like me?”

Rainbow Dash shoved a hoof towards her copy’s chest, expecting to intimidate her. No such reaction followed, as the new Dash proudly puffed herself up for an introduction.

“I’m Rainbow Dash, fastest pony in all of Equestria! The only pony able to make a sonic rainboom!”

“You can’t be Rainbow Dash, I’m Rainbow Dash! And only I can pull off a sonic rainboom!”

“Oh yeah? We’ll see about that!”

The second Dash took off up into the sky, with the first Dash in hot pursuit. Both ponies pulled around for a dive at the exact same height, and started barreling down at top speed. Sure enough, two sonic rainbooms happened at the same time, causing a huge ruckus in Ponyville that, just as Rainbow Dash predicted, scared the horseapples out of everypony.

Both Rainbow Dashes landed safely on a grassy hill near Ponyville, not wanting to be chastised for the trouble they both caused. They snickered to each other at what everypony’s faces must look like, and bumped their hooves together. The first Rainbow Dash spoke up.

“Okay, this might be weird, but you really are me. Or, I’m you, or something. Ya know, maybe we should think of a way to figure out which one of us is which.”

The second Dash nodded in agreement, adding,

“Good idea. I’ll be Rainbow Dash 1, and you can be Rainbow Dash 2.”

“What? No way am I gonna be called number 2!”

Rainbow Dash 1 snorted in frustration at such a thought, but calmed down and had a better idea.

“How about this? I’ll be Rainbow Dash, and you can be called RD. Sound good?”

RD smiled, saying,

“Hay, as long as ponies can tell us apart, I’m good.”

The two ponies shared another small laugh, but were soon confronted with a big problem. What would they tell everypony? That RD just appeared out of the sky, and happened to be exactly the same as Rainbow Dash? There was no way anypony would believe that, except maybe Pinkie Pie.

First, I need to find out who this pony really is.

“Alright, RD, you’re supposed to be me, but there’s just no way that’s true. I mean, I’m the only Rainbow Dash for Ponyville. Are you from somewhere else, or something?”

RD shook her head animatedly, replying,

“Nope, I’m from Ponyville too, and everything is in place like I remember it, except for one thing.”

RD pointed up towards the sky, where there wasn’t really much to see.

“The rainbow factory isn’t there.”

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow in curiosity.

“Whaddya mean, rainbow factory?”

RD gave an incredulous look, and answered,

“You know, the rainbow factory? The place where foals are ground up and made into rainbows?”

Rainbow Dash’s face scrunched up in disgust.

“That’s sick, and it’s NOT how rainbows are made.”

“Uh, yeah it is. I’ve done it to Scootaloo before.”

Rainbow Dash almost lost her lunch, but then she let loose on RD.

“You KILLED Scootaloo? You’re a monster! How could you do that to an innocent little foal?”

Rainbow Dash was enraged and ready to start grinding up RD herself, but the latter calmly brushed it off.

“Whoa, you act like I did this yesterday or something. This happened a while ago. And besides, when I woke up the next day she was happily scooting around on her scooter anyway. It’s not like she’s dead.”

Rainbow Dash was dumbfounded; how could anypony kill another pony, and then wake up to see them alive and ignorant of what happened?

“Well, it’s obvious that you aren’t from the same Ponyville I am.”

“Yeah, this Ponyville is a bit different from mine. More boring and quiet.”

Now, Dash would not let that stand.

“What? No way. Me and my friends had to conquer Discord, the god of chaos.”

RD yawned.

“Yeah, I did that too. You know what else? I once saw Spike get all greedy again, so he grew huge and destroyed half of Equestria, ate all my friends, and then jizzed all over Canterlot. And that was still pretty boring.”

Rainbow Dash’s mouth hung open. She didn’t know what “jizzing” meant, but it still sounded like a pretty exciting day to her. RD grinned, knowing she had Rainbow Dash cornered.

“I’ve seen and done a lot more than that, little lady.”

Rainbow Dash begged to hear more of the exciting tales RD had to offer, of course.

“Well, there was this one time Fluttershy convinced me I was a baby, so I started shitting my diapers and eating baby food, it was pretty wild. Oh, and I also went to another world with these things called humans once, and one of them raised me as his daughter. It was great. Oh yeah, and I’ve had sex with pretty much everything that moves.”

Rainbow Dash gawked in confusion.

What the hay is “sex?”

“You don’t know what sex is? Are you kidding me?”

Realizing now that she had thought aloud, Rainbow Dash grinned a little and nodded her head sheepishly. RD’s face lit up at the opportunity.

“Come on, I’ll show ya! It’ll be awesome, you’ll get to lose your virginity to me!”

Both ponies shot up towards Rainbow Dash’s home in the clouds, and walked inside. It was just as plush and amazing as one would expect of Ponyville’s star athletes. Every decoration was molded carefully from the clouds, and the architecture was magnificent. RD led Rainbow Dash up to her room, roughly shut the door and tossed Dash onto the bed. RD began to separate Dash’s back legs apart, the latter giving resistance at first but then giving in out of sheer curiosity. But before anything untoward could happen, a look of confusion graced RD’s face.

“Uh, Dash, you don’t really have a, um…you know.”

Rainbow Dash was just as confused as RD, and shook her head.

“It’s well, you know, the part of a mare’s body where a baby is born.”

Rainbow Dash was a little grossed out, but still clueless. RD sighed in exasperation, and pointed out,

“Rainbow Dash, you ain’t got no snatch. No vagina. Nothing. Just a flat furry spot, like there was nothing there in the first place.”

Rainbow Dash cocked an eyebrow.

“Well, yeah, there’s nothing there. Nopony has anything there. And what the hay is a vagina?”

RD stood on her hind legs, and pointed a hoof towards her slit, which she happened to still have.

“This is a vagina. Back in the Ponyville I’m from, every mare has one. I can’t believe nopony has anything down there in this Ponyville. So lame…”

While RD complained about the lack of general genitalia, Rainbow Dash got up to inspect the slit RD had called a snatch. To her, it was a weird little opening that nopony would ever need, so why have one? RD caught Rainbow Dash looking intently at her most private area, and grinned a devilishly perverted grin.

“Well, you might not have a vagina or an asshole, but there is one thing we can do together that’s almost as good.”

Rainbow Dash looked up at RD’s face expecting some kind of explanation, but instead she had her mouth shoved right up into RD’s entrance. And then they totally had oral sex.

Rainbow Dash trotted out of her bathroom, making sure she had thoroughly washed her face of the loads of cum RD had sprayed on her muzzle. Dash still had no idea what was so appealing about sex; RD seemed to love it, but all Dash got out of it was some kind of weird tasting fluid that RD couldn’t seem to stop producing until the last few moments.

RD had decided not to clean herself up afterwards, instead laying on the bed with a look of contentment plastered on her face.

Was that weird? Nah, it wasn’t weird, she’s me. It’s just like clopping, but better.

RD smiled, and started to hum a happy little tune in celebration of her sexual conquest. Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash approached the bed and tapped a hoof on RD’s stomach roughly to get her attention. Her eyes snapped to focus, and she struck a sexy pose for her other self.

“What is it, lover?”

“Look, if that was sex then I don’t know why anypony would want to do it so much. Didn’t seem very fun to me.”

RD just scoffed in disappointment.

“You just don’t get it because you don’t have a cunt. How do you even go to the bathroom, anyway?”

Rainbow Dash just shook her head, continuing with what she was saying.

“Whatever, it doesn’t matter. I think it’s time we found out why you’re here, so we should probably head over to Twilight’s house. She’ll know something, I hope.”

RD agreed while rolling her eyes and the two ponies left Rainbow Dash’s house behind. They flew down towards Ponyville library, but RD’s flight became clumsy and she rammed into Rainbow Dash by accident, causing them to crash. When both ponies opened their eyes, Rainbow Dash was lying on top of RD. RD quickly stated,

“Oh shit, I’m stuck. Better drink my own piss.”

Rainbow Dash shot up off of her counterpart in fear.

“That’s disgusting! Why would you do that?”

RD got up and dusted herself off, responding,

“Well, there’s no need to now, so just forget it.”

Rainbow Dash stood still with a scrunched-up face for a few seconds, but eventually shrugged. If anypony could solve all of this and find out why a pony would want to drink urine, it was Twilight Sparkle. Rainbow Dash knocked harshly on the door, which was unlocked and easily opened. Both Dashes gasped at what they saw inside.

Two Twilight Sparkles!

Chapter 3: Pinkie Pie, Part 1

Canon Ponies Meet Fanon Ponies

Chapter 3: Pinkie Pie

The noise level in Sugarcube Corner was more than just deafening; even Vinyl Scratch would hesitate to crank the volume of her music to these heights. The entire building seemed alive, almost bouncing up and down in place. Colorful lights flashed from within, and energy simply buzzed about the place. Anypony that walked by would instantly feel both sick and ready to run a marathon at the same time.

Normally, Pinkie Pie would not put so much energy into her random parties (this one in celebration of Leif Erikson Day), but today was a special occasion. Today, Pinkie Pie had stumbled upon another Pinkie Pie! There was no need to question the situation, only a need to party. And since it was a holiday, the party called for all the energy the two Pinkies could muster up. Fortunately for them, they lived in a sugar-filled paradise. Not so fortunate for the Cake family, of course.

Neither Mr. Cake nor Mrs. Cake had made the proper preparations for such an occurrence; not to say they hadn’t tried. Ever since Pinkie moved in, the happy couple had set up many methods to avoid the pitfalls of a life with Pinkie Pie in the house. All the walls were soundproofed, and doubled in thickness. The metal and plaster in the home got reinforced once per month, and all surfaces were given a magically-imbued luster that made it so messes slid right off with the addition of water. The Cakes spared no expense ensuring their house would be ready for whatever Pinkie Pie could throw at them, but this was simply too much.

Luckily, they had predicted there would be a day where they simply couldn’t stand being around Pinkie Pie during one of her sugar-fueled parties, and had one final line of defense for themselves ready: a bomb shelter.

Equestria hadn’t experienced much war, especially wars where either side would be willing to resort to non-magic based weaponry. As such, finding and buying a bomb shelter was no easy task, and getting the shelter installed under Sugarcube Corner was even more difficult (don’t even ask how many favors Mr. Cake had to call in). However, the deed had been done, and the family of sweet-selling ponies needed it now more than ever.

The shelter was sealed tight, and very much equipped for anything. Foods of all kinds lined the shelves, two fairly comfortable beds rested in a corner, and thick iron walls stood between the Cakes and anything that would seek to harm them (or in this case, accidentally make them go insane). A crib had even been bolted into the floor for the newborns, just in case. Both Pumpkin and Pound Cake rested peacefully under the blanket they shared, somehow blissfully unaware of the chaos just above them.

Mr. and Mrs. Cake, meanwhile, sat upon a couch which had been attached to the wall for safety purposes. Their eyes were bloodshot, with multiple bags reminiscent of they sleep they were missing drooping just below their eyelids. Both ponies’ hair had become frazzled, to the point where Mrs. Cake’s mane was beginning to look somewhat like Pinkie Pie’s. They sat shaking in each other’s hooves, warm but very much scared of what Pinkie Pie could be doing up there in their house, their business.

Mrs. Cake closed her eyes, and took a deep breath in. She exhaled, and got up from the couch, leaving her husband to wonder what she could be doing. She walked up to the crib, looking lovingly upon her foals. She lightly nuzzled both of them, and then turned to face Mr. Cake, who had since gotten up from the couch.

“Dear, I think it’s time somepony said something to Pinkie about this party, and it’s going to be me.”

Mr. Cake’s face contorted first into one of shock, but then changed into a face of stoic anger instead.

“No, I’ll do it.”

“But dear, what if…”

“Mr. Cake says no.”

Mr. Cake put a hoof to her chest, grinning broadly at his success. She giggled softly at his playful use of third-person; she loved it, but would never say so. Fortunately, Mr. Cake didn’t need to hear it from anypony else. His two foals were enough proof to him that his wife liked being “playful,” especially seeing as ponies are only ever allowed to perform such activities under the guiding eye of Princess Celestia.

Mr. Cake made his way up the ladder to the opening of the shelter, and steeled himself for the madness of Pinkie Pie. The lock was turned, and the door opened, allowing Mr. Cake to poke his head back inside his own home. Mr. Cake spotted Pinkie Pie across the room dancing, and opened his mouth intending to yell at her. The instant he did, he was hit with a pie to the face, knocking him out and causing him to fall off the ladder. Mrs. Cake quickly rushed over and caught him before he could hit the floor, and then proceeded to shut the opening to the shelter. With just a few tears in her eyes, she turned her head to the ceiling, and wondered,

What made Pinkie want to do this?

The party of the century raged on inside Sugarcube Corner. The simple amount of energy given off by the party had attracted all sorts of ponies and other creatures inside. Griffons took part in a high stakes pie-eating contest, dragons tried alcohol for the first time (with disastrous results), and in some closet Tom the Rock and Bloomberg the Tree were having sex. But the ponies having the most fun were the two Pinkie Pies.

They had met in the morning of that day, in the kitchen of Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie Pie had been preparing another cake for Leif Erikson Day, and when removed from the oven, a second Pinkie Pie had burst forth. The two immediately bonded as friends; after all, both of them LOVE having friends. The only problem was the issue of their names. After several minutes of stroking beards that neither Pinkie had, a solution was arrived at by the second pink mare.

“I know, I know! We can call me by my initials!”

“Are you suuuuure you wanna do that?”

The second Pinkie raised an eyebrow.

“Well, why not?”

“Because then we’d have to call you…pee-pee!”

Pinkie Pie giggle-snorted, and soon both ponies had erupted into brief laughter. After a short stint of rolling around, the second Pinkie Pie wiped a tear from her eye with a new idea.

“Ooh, ooh, I’ve got a better idea! We’ll call you Pinkie, and I’ll be Pinkamena! That IS my name, after all.”

“Yeah, that sounds great! Oh, and we can throw a SUPER huge party to welcome you here! It’ll have double the party of any party for any welcoming before it!”

The two Pinkies high-hoofed, and thus fate was set in motion. There was partying to be had, and it would not be stopped by anypony.

The party of the century lasted long into the night and even made its way into the early morning, but alas, all good things must come to an end. Most everypony had left, and it was Gummy’s bed time. The two hosts had fallen asleep on the ceiling of Pinkie’s room, because why the hell not.

Pumpkin and Pound Cake awoke, and their cries brought both of their parents out of a groggy daze. Not hearing their house getting trashed above them, Mr. Cake stepped out of the basement and lay witness to the greatest mess he had ever seen. Absolutely every piece of furniture had been either overturned or broken. The entire stock of sweets in the store had been abolished, and the floor of the shop was positively sticky with alcohol and possibly other less sanitary liquids. Most importantly, there was cake and icing everywhere. Not one inch of the place wasn’t covered, to the point where the original color of the walls was indiscernible under the thick coating.

Not having the time or the energy to unleash his anger, Mr. Cake simply called up to Pinkie Pie,

“Pinkie, please wake up and help us clean up this mess. No buts!”

Upstairs in her room, Pinkie Pie blinked the frosting off of her eyelids and fell from the ceiling. The loud noise awoke Pinkamena, who fell right on top of Pinkie. The two laughed hysterically, and quickly prepared themselves for the “bestest fastest cleaning job ever.” While Mr. Cake got out a mop and began sweeping the downstairs, the two Pinkies simply unleashed their tongues on the shop. The entire place was sparkling clean within minutes, leaving the Cakes baffled again. Before they could roughly scold Pinkie Pie, they noticed something: a second Pinkie Pie. Mr. Cake fainted, and quiet sobs escaped Mrs. Cake. She wanted to recover and scold the two Pinkies, but they were already out the door before she had a chance. A hastily scribbled note was left over.

Out to get more cupcakes and cakes and muffins and brownies and candy and other good things for the kitchen—be back soon!

Mrs. Cake fainted this time, but not because of the note. No, what scared her the most was the signature at the bottom. The signature that confirmed her greatest fears.

Love, Pinkie Pie and Pinkamena

Ponyville was bustling with the beginnings of daily activity, but something was different today. Today, there were two Pinkies out and about, looking for ingredients to make all sorts of delicious treats. And there was only one good place to get fine ingredients: Canterlot.

As such, both Pinkies began bouncing towards the train station. After all, it wasn’t like they could simply break the fourth wall and show up in Canterlot without having found some real transportation. Oh no, that would be silly.

The two pink mares hopped up to a pony selling tickets, and shouted in unison,

“Two tickets to Canterlot mister ticket-master pony!”

Annoyed but unsurprised, the drab gray stallion simply snorted and reached under his desk to acquire the correct tickets from a machine. As he pushed the tickets out he also grabbed a bag of bits which had appeared suddenly before him. A small smile graced his lips; Pinkie did always seem to leave nice tips, and two Pinkies met double the tip. Their smiles were big and wide as they bounced along to find a place and wait for the train. The stallion chuckled.

Canterlot is in for some weird crap today.

Chapter 4: Pinkie Pie, Part 2

Canon Ponies Meet Fanon Ponies, Chapter 4: Pinkie Pie, Part 2

After a few hours of the two Pinkies jumping around the train station and generally pestering other ponies, the train arrived, causing both mares to squeal in excitement. After all, trains ARE pretty awesome. The two Pinkies decided to prank a bored pony checking the boarding tickets, and so they split up, with Pinkie at the front of the line and Pinkamena at the back. When Pinkamena finally got to the front, the stallion was not amused.

“I’ve already checked your ticket, why did you get off the train and back in line?”

“No you haven’t mister, I’ve been waiting in this line for super long to get on the train, I Pinkie Pie promise!”

Pinkamena followed suit with the normal gestures that went along with such a commitment, but this did not work at all.

“Look ma’am, you’ve already boarded the train, so just get back on and don’t leave again.”

Pinkamena pouted at the lack of banter she received, but got on the train anyway, saying,

“I’m sorry for upsetting you…”

Without turning around, Pinkamena flicked her tail in his face, causing him to blush.

“…you big stallion, you.”

Both Pinkies giggled in high-pitched glee as they left the stallion, who found himself both angry and strangely aroused at the same time. His arousal confused him the most, since he had no genitals with which to express these new feelings.

The train ride to Canterlot was an eventful one for the staff, to say the least. The janitor pony sat on a bucket, waiting for something to do. He didn’t like his job much at all, but at least he didn’t have to clean urine off of bus seats anymore. Today was not his day, as he kept getting called back to clean the bathrooms for “miscellaneous messes.” The first time he went to clean up, one of the stalls was covered entirely in confetti. The second time, the words “I’m watching you” were smudged in turdfitti on the mirror above the sink. The third time, Pinkamena was waiting for him, exposing her revealing parts just over the paper towel dispenser. And while most ponies would be curious as to what the slit was, this was a janitor pony, and he had seen some shit. He did not give a buck about this pink pony; he was done. He popped some happy pills from his pocket and proceeded to get so tweaked that he fell on the floor, frothing at the mouth. Disappointed, Pinkamena walked out of the bathroom, ready for more pranks.

Meanwhile, Pinkie had decided to have a little “fun” with the conductor. She was an older, tired mare who got all of her enjoyment in life through shoveling more coal onto the fire for her train. It was back-breaking, but at least it never changed. It never cheated on her, it never got drunk, and it never sent her weird malware requests even though she didn’t sign up for that fetish porn site, she totally didn’t sign up.

Pinkie Pie didn’t know any of this, and assumed that the mare must be very bored and lonely up at the front of the train. Pinkie decided to chat her up; after all, everypony can use a little company. Pinkie zipped up next to her, barely making a sound doing so. The conductor jumped a bit at seeing a full-grown mare curious about what goes on up front instead of a filly, but she didn’t object.

“Can I help you, ma’am? Interested in something here?”

Pinkie nodded her head vigorously.

“Yeah yeah, totally! Like, why use coal when you could have a unicorn up here? What’s this button do? Is that a sticker over there? Why is there a clown wig with a phone number on it? What’s a phone?”

As she asked this barrage of questions, Pinkie darted around the room, pointing at various things but staring at the conductor all the while. Pinkie’s energy surprised and annoyed the mare, whom was all but ready to murder a whorse if she didn’t get the hay out of there. Fuming yet controlled, the conductor exclaimed,

“Listen ma’am, if you don’t have a reason to be here, you should…”

But Pinkie had disappeared. The conductor furrowed her brows.

“…leave?”

Pinkie was nowhere in sight, an odd and ridiculous feat in the conductor’s eyes. Still suspicious, she kept her eyes looking behind her as she shoveled more coal into the fire. But something was strange; that last shovelful felt a tad heavy. The conductor turned towards the pit, finding that she just shoved Pinkie Pie right into the hot coal fire. She screamed.

“Oh my Celestia! Miss, get out of there!”

The conductor dived forward and pulled Pinkie out, even though the latter wasn’t burned at all.

“What do you think you’re doing? Get out of here! OUT!”

The conductor shoved Pinkie out of the room, despite the mare’s protests. But instead of getting angry, Pinkie Pie decided that now would be a good time to introduce the conductor to Pinkamena. After all, if one Pinkie didn’t make her happy, then two would definitely do it. Pinkie found her near-identical companion making out with a Guy Fawkes mask that had been hot-glued to some poor pony’s flank. Pinkamena was quickly swayed towards meeting the conductor, leaving the little foal to wonder if Celestia hated him.

The two Pinkies calmly trotted to the front of the train, Pinkamena plotting out things all the while. Once she got to Canterlot, she was going to unleash her two greatest weapons on the city: her gore party cannon and her sex party cannon. They would be certain to grab the attention of the city; nopony can ignore the allure of sex when it’s right there in their face. And gore is easy enough to shoot down ponies’ throats, so might as well go for it.

Eventually, the two Pinkies made it to the front of the train and entered the conductor’s cabin. She was, needless to say, unprepared for the arrival, and furious that Pinkie would dare to come back. However, the conductor quickly noticed there was not one, but two of the pink mare that distracted her earlier. That was impossible. Not only impossible, it was a curse straight from Tartarus. She began shouting at the Pinkies, telling them to get out of the conductor’s cabin or get thrown off the train. Pinkamena wasn’t ready to leave so willingly, though.

“Not until we have some fun first.”

Pinkamena brandished a knife (out of nowhere, of course), to which Pinkie clapped giddily. The conductor’s eyes widened as she backed up to the wall. How could she not have known that these two ponies were insane psychopaths that dress up as one pony and then go around murdering conductors? It should have been so obvious; she had read the story about it in the Equestria Inquirer that very morning.

Not wanting to beat around the bush, Pinkamena rammed the knife through the conductor’s face, killing her. Pinkie stopped clapping her hooves; something wasn’t right about what Pinkamena just did.

“Uh, Pinkamena, what did you just do?”

“Oh, I just murdered this contrarian bitch. No way I’m letting a conductor spoil our fun!”

Pinkie thought it over for a moment; was murder wrong? Yep, definitely wrong. Pinkie Pie knew that fun was important, but that conductor probably had friends and family (she didn’t, but whateva, ah do what ah want). Those friends would probably be sad without their friend. Pinkie Pie decided to explain some things to Pinkamena so this wouldn’t happen again.

“Pinkamena, listen. I mean, I know fun is super-duper absolutely fantastic, but we can’t go around killing other ponies for it. It’s like, pointless and stuff, ya know? I mean, I could get it if they were extra-special bad, but this one wasn’t. She was actually pretty cool and fun! So from now on, let’s not kill other ponies, okay?”

Pinkamena sighed, but agreed and shook hooves with Pinkie. However, while Pinkie Pie explained why blatant unexplained gore is awful, the train had nopony driving it. And, because trains need drivers, this one had gone off the rails and into the air, poised to fall right onto Canterlot. The two Pinkies noticed their dilemma, hugged each other, and began to scream.

Luna sat up in her observatory, wondering about many things. Would she ever be accepted into Equestrian society? Would ponies ever learn to befriend her instead of fear her? Would that awesome second-person shipfic about her ever update? These questions and more plagued the lunar princess as she decided to take a quick look outside. And when one looks outside, one does not normally expect a flying train to be the first thing one lays eyes on. Especially when that train is headed right for the castle, specifically the room right beneath one. That room? Celestia’s bedroom, of course. Before Luna could warn her sister or cast a spell, the train rammed into the castle, tearing the walls like paper and causing the structure to collapse inward on itself.

The building fell as a large cloud of dust and debris spread outward through Canterlot, ruining many a posh pony’s fancy lunch. Several ponies were buried in the mess, although none died. Luna managed to break through a window before the observatory crashed on her, allowing her to survive. The scene was horrendous, with wreckage strewn absolutely everywhere. The damage would cost several billion bits to repair and clean up, definitely not what the Equestrian economy needed right now.

However, Luna’s prime concern was her sister. Eventually, Luna found Celestia propped just under the very spot where the train launched into the palace. Celestia was trapped under the train car, but not hurt. Luna rushed over, tears in her eyes.

“Celestia! Sister, are you okay?”

Celestia reached a shaking hoof up to her sister and whispered out the only words she could manage.

“I...came...”

Celestia then fainted, leaving Luna to wonder what she meant.

Meanwhile, both Pinkies had walked away from the crash unscathed, because it wouldn’t be fun if they died. Pinkie insisted that she needed to see Rarity really quick to check on a dress before having fun with the Canterlot ponies. Pinkamena waved it off, saying,

“Oh, that’s okay. I’ll just have fun while I wait for you!”

She eyed some of the ponies trapped by rubble. Oh, there would be plenty of “fun” to be had.

Pinkie ran ultra-fast to Ponyville, making it there in just a few seconds and stopping right in front of Carousel Boutique. Before knocking, Pinkie looked up to the second floor, hearing what sounded like an argument. She could make out two similar shapes with her eyes, but it couldn’t be. There couldn’t be two Rarities. No, that would be ridiculous.

Chapter 2: Twilight Sparkle

Canon Ponies Meet Fanon Ponies

Chapter 2: Twilight Sparkle

Something weird was definitely going on in the Ponyville library. Four ponies stood in the main room, although it was more like two pairs of the same ponies. Rainbow Dash just had sex with her counterpart not long ago, but she was still surprised to find two Twilight Sparkles waiting for her.

“Hey, Twilight? Why the hay are there two of you?”

“I could ask you the same thing, Rainbow Dash.”

The ponies began to inspect each other, trying to identify who was who and which ponies recognized each other. Eventually, the original Twilight and Rainbow Dash stood at one end of the room, and their doubles stood opposite them. Twilight decided to speak up.

“Well, with the help of Rainbow Dash, I think we’ve finally got each other separated out. Thanks for pointing out that, uh, thing…they have which we don’t have, Dash.”

Rainbow Dash blushed a little and shrugged it off, not really wanting to remember what she did to that very “thing” on the other Dash, colloquially named RD.

“So, the big thing for us to figure out is where you two came from, and how to get you back there. Dash, I need you to take RD and go out to find what things she finds here that are different from where she comes from. If you do that, I might be able to perform a teleportation spell that’ll get her and this other me back to where they came from. Find everything you can, and write it down on this list for me.”

Twilight levitated a blank roll of parchment and a quill to Dash, whom grabbed them in her muzzle and nodded. Both her and RD promptly saluted the Twilights, and flew out into the Ponyville sky.

Meanwhile, both purple unicorn ponies remained behind at the library. In fact, the other Twilight had only just appeared before Rainbow and RD burst in, and had simply walked down the stairs expecting to be in her own universe. Seeing another one of her was not something she could have predicted. Twilight decided to speak up, saying,

“Alright, first we need a way to tell who’s who, so I vote I get to be Twilight Sparkle, and you can be TS. We’ll use the same system as Dash and RD. Agreed?”

TS nodded, although she seemed a little annoyed that she couldn’t use her own name. She brushed it off fairly easily though, and asked,

“Well, it’s clear that if we want to figure this out we should find out the exact differences between each other while the Dashes find out the differences in our world. Do you know what this calls for?”

Twilight’s eyes lit up, and they exclaimed in unison,

“A list!”

Both ponies giggled at their love for lists, and Twilight levitated out some parchment and a quill from her desk drawers.

“Okay, so first things first, family. You have a brother named Shining Armor who married Princess Cadence, correct?”

TS nodded animatedly in approval, agreeing,

“Yeah, and it was one hell of a wedding. What with all the changelings and everything.”

The two shared a brief nostalgic moment, and then moved onto the rest of the list.

“Okay, we both have a mother and father that pushed us to try and get better at magic, right?”

TS nodded again.

“Alright, that’s it for family, so onto surrogate family. You have a dragon friend named Spike who you think of as a brother, right?”

TS thought about it for a few seconds.

“Well yes, all of that’s true, but there’s more to it than just that for me and the Spike from my Ponyville.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow, inquiring what she meant.

“Well, let’s see here. His age on any given day varies widely; most of the time, he’s a baby dragon, but sometimes I’ll wake up and he’ll be a grumpy teenager. A couple of times, I’ve seen him as a full grown adult dragon as well, but that normally doesn’t last very long.”

While TS described her Spike, Twilight was furiously scratching her quill against the paper, trying to get down every detail as TS continued.

“Most of the time, Spike is his normal cute little self, but sometimes he gets angsty and complains that I don’t treat him fairly. Whenever that happens, we end up cuddling together in his tiny bed and making up. It’s…pretty great.”

TS sighed in bliss, and Twilight tried to imagine an angsty teenage Spike.

Psh, like that could ever happen. The only time Spike is unhappy is when he’s hungry or bored, but he doesn’t get mad very much.

“Anyway, I think that’s about it. Hmmm…wait, I forgot to mention that he’s probably the biggest I’ve ever had.”

Twilight scrunched her face up; what the hay did that mean? She decided to find out, and asked exactly what TS was talking about.

“Oh, that’s right, you don’t have a vagina! Nopony has genitals in your Equestria; I guess that IS a pretty big difference. What I meant was that Spike has the biggest dick among all the colts and, uh, dragons I’ve had sex with.”

Twilight considered vomiting right there and then. Unlike Rainbow Dash, she already knew what sex was, and that creatures other than ponies did it in her world. But imagining herself getting penetrated by Spike was just too much, and she fulfilled her thoughts by rushing to the bathroom for a good puke. TS followed her there, but didn’t burst in on the gross moment, instead trying to justify her actions.

“Oh come on, Twi, it’s not so bad! I know it sounds pretty, um, wrong since he’s like your brother. But if he’s a teenager or a young adult when it happens, and he’s holding your body in his big scaly arms, you just feel so safe. Plus, he’s one of the gentlest lovers I’ve ever had, despite his size!”

TS giggled at her double entendre, but Twilight just continued to wretch into her toilet bowl. TS sighed and walked back downstairs, shouting,

“As soon as you get over this, we’ll continue this list, right? And if having sex with Spike makes you sick, then boy do you have a few things to hear.”

After essentially puking up the contents of her entire stomach, Twilight finally decided it was time to face her doppelganger once more. She opened the door to the bathroom, face still somewhat green from her experience by the toilet bowl. Carefully making the way down the stairs in her weakened state, Twilight made it to the kitchen without much incident. That was, until she looked to the table and caught TS masturbating on a chair. The most horrifying part: TS was staring intently at a photo of Spike while doing this.

“Oh my Celestia, just stop it!”

Twilight Sparkle charged forward, knocking TS off her chair. Twilight took the photo and tossed it into the wooden sink, and immediately began scrubbing its surface with a rough sponge the best she could. TS was not amused.

“Hey! You could’ve just told me to stop instead of tackling me in the middle of it!”

Twilight didn’t even respond, simply muttering “Never be clean…”

TS groaned, and walked up next to Twilight. Twilight cringed at their closeness; after all, TS was masturbating with those hooves just a few moments ago.

“Look, I’m sorry about, you know, doing what I was just doing. You were taking really long in the bathroom, and I got bored waiting for you. So I started to explore, see if our houses are exactly alike. And I spotted that picture of Spike, and, well…you know the rest.”

Twilight lowered her eyelids, and groaned in exasperation.

“I guess I can forgive you, but really? In my kitchen, to a photo of Spike as a hatchling? With your left front hoof?”

TS gave an emphatic shrug.

“What can I say? I prefer going lefty.”

Twilight just shook her head, and continued to scrub. Minutes passed, and eventually Twilight just tossed the photo into a waste bin.

It’s a good thing I keep duplicates of everything important.

During that time, TS had returned to the main room and started to complete the list of differences herself. She was pretty certain Twilight had done nothing sexual, so there was quite a bit to fill in. By the time Twilight walked in to continue their session, TS was just about finished compiling her list of sexual conquests.

“Alright Twi, since you’ve never had a sexual experience, I’ve taken the time to catalogue all of mine to emphasize how different our lives are. This should definitely help us pinpoint my world so I can get out of here.”

Twilight hesitated to look at the list now, but reluctantly took hold of it with her magic; she had no real choice. She was instantly horrified.

“At least 50 counts of sexual actions with Pinkie Pie…at least 200 counts of sexual action with Spike…400 with Princess Luna…650 with Princess Celestia…over 1,000 with Rainbow Dash, and an innumerable amount of sexual actions with random stallions that happened to appear in Ponyville? Why do you have so much sex, TS? This is really disgusting!”

TS appeared offended and prepared to defend herself, arguing,

“You act like I’m a slut or something. Remember, these are sexual actions I’m counting; they don’t always mean that I had sex with the pony mentioned. It just means I probably got close. And if you want to see disgusting, I could prepare a list for Rarity or Pinkie Pie. Boy, do those mares have a lot of sex!”

“TS, I don’t care whether you actually had sex or not! I’m a lot more worried about how dangerous all of this could be. Not only is there a huge chance of you getting a disease or getting pregnant, but it’s also a huge distraction from your studies! You’re a personal student of Princess Celestia, who you’ve probably banged more often than you’ve studied her years of ruling Equestria! I just can’t believe it for a moment, that she’d be ready to have sex with you so easily.”

“Actually, with her she’s normally the one to initiate sex. In fact, the only reason I’ve done it so much is because she taught me everything I know about it. She likes to call me her favorite student.”

TS winked and beamed in pride, but Twilight was unimpressed, and very much ready to get this other Twilight out of here. Groaning, Twilight just decided to get back to completing the list.

“Alright, now that we’ve covered the…unclean aspects of our differences, what else do you suppose there could be? Tell me, are you as big a worrywart as I am?”

TS snorted and rolled her eyes.

“Oh, of course. Every time I’m late on a friendship report, I still end up going a little nutty like last time. It’s a hard habit to break, though. It doesn’t help that every time it happens I get the urge to molest Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle.”

Twilight put a hoof over her mouth, but no vomit came. She no longer had anything left to cough up at this point. Instead, she grunted in frustration and complained,

“Really TS? Having sex with foals, and they weren’t even consenting to it? That’s awful, and I’m pretty sure it’s illegal too.”

“Not in my Equestria. Sure, molestation is illegal for the most part. But Celestia lets her favorites get away with it as much as they want. Plus, Celestia is probably a much bigger source of non-consensual sex than I am.”

Twilight just shook her head back and forth at TS’s poor defense.

“Anyway, you say you still freak out like I sometimes do. Is it as severe? And do you react in the same way I do?”

TS put a hoof to her chin, and replied,

“I think my reaction is probably more severe than yours, and it probably happens more often. When it does, I pretty much go batshit insane for a while, but in the end I’m always fine. If it gets particularly bad, I’ll sometimes torture or kill somepony, but no biggie.”

Twilight’s jaw nearly hit the floor.

“You…you’re…a murderer? You’ve tortured other ponies?”

“Yep, but I don’t do it all that much, and whenever it does happen whoever I hurt ends up alive and ignorant the next day. I have to admit, that’s the weirdest part about my world.”

Twilight had to use magic just to put her jawbone back in place without breaking it somehow. Ponies regenerated in TS’s Ponyville, and came back with selective amnesia? This was all too weird, too impossible. TS adorned a worried face; just because she was a brutal foal-murderer, didn’t mean she couldn’t care.

“Hey, are you okay? Need some wheat grass juice? I can probably get you some from the kitchen, if you want…”

Twilight blinked and violently shook her head, trying desperately to get rid of all the strange things going through it.

“No, I’ll be fine, I’m just having trouble imagining an Equestria where sex, violence, and all of this odd stuff is so common. I mean, it’s just too different! I know other universes exist, I just never thought there would be one quite like yours…”

TS put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder, and gave her a small hug.

“Listen, I know it’s a lot to take in, but if it helps I sometimes wonder who’s running the show in my world. I mean, there is NO WAY Celestia and Luna run everything that way. I sometimes wonder if out there there’s another pony running the whole thing, taking out his anger and sexual fantasies on us. But I dunno, I’m not really sure that’s even possible.”

The two shared a brief chuckle, and Twilight decided to speak up.

“Yeah, that does sound a little unrealistic. What kind of pony would exist to do all of that, anyway? It’s just silly.”

“Indeed it is, dahling, indeed it is,” TS agreed in her best imitation of Rarity, to which Twilight perked up. So TS decided to keep going.

“Now, I absolutely must be off to attend to my boutique! Oh, I need to adorn everything with glitter and makeup, and I simply must speak in this fancy accent the entire time! And Celestia forbid I step into something less clean than my uber-glossed mane and tail! Oh look, it’s a squirrel. I better ask him to fuck me gently, lest I accidentally get a single fur out of place.”

By this time Twilight was clutching her sides in laughter, and had shed several tears uncontrollably. TS soon joined in, and they enjoyed a good few moments of friendly mirth together. Eventually, their laughter died down, and Twilight made a fitting proposal while sticking out her hoof.

“Friends, TS?”

TS gently took hold of the hoof, and shook it happily.

“Friends, dahling.”

The two snickered once more, briefly this time. After a few minutes of idle chat about the wildly funny exploits TS had experienced in her Equestria, Twilight finally remembered the list they had been ignoring.

“So I think we’ve got it about covered. Unless there’s anything else?”

“Well, there is one thing. Strangely, a lot of the times I try a new spell it backfires in the weirdest ways possible and I end up getting involved in all sorts of adventures. In fact, I think I may have more oddly unsuccessful spells than successful ones sometimes, even though I’m still the element of magic.”

Twilight wrote this down as the ink in her quill began to diminish. She got up from her sitting position next to TS, and gestured an invitation to the kitchen with her hoof. TS got up, and followed her to the table.

“So, I think we should be pretty much done soon, and…”

Twilight was abruptly cut off by a forcible kiss from TS, and was promptly surprised by how long the latter’s tongue felt in her mouth. TS broke the kiss, leaving both ponies panting from the awkward and heated moment.

“TS, what are you doing? You know this isn’t right.”

TS grinned a little, explaining,

“Oh come on, Twilight, you can’t tell me you wouldn’t do the same in my situation. You might not have any idea what sexual attraction is like, but I do, and the entire time I’ve been here I’ve been wondering what it’d be like to have sex with myself. And trust me, I will not be denied.”

A wide (and creepy) grin split TS’s face, and Twilight audibly gulped. TS’s horn flashed as she used a teleportation spell on them both, landing them on Twilight’s bed, with Twilight on top of TS in a very suggestive position.

“By now Twilight, I’m betting your scientific curiosity about sex has peaked, right?”

Twilight blushed heavily and hesitated to reply, but meekly said,

“Yes, I would like to know what it’s like, at least…”

“Good, Twilight. Now, let me show you some other uses for that horn of yours…”

The two unicorns lay in bed, sweaty from a sexual encounter of the “strikingly memorable” kind. All Twilight could think of was how unimpressed she was with the pleasure she received in comparison to TS, whose cum was literally all over the room from her orgasm. Meanwhile, TS couldn’t help but think of telling all her friends back home that she literally got bucked by herself. Chuckling to herself, she took a good look at her recent lover, and noticed something off about her horn.

“Twilight, I think you might have a little bit of, uh, stuff, on your horn, that is…”

Twilight lifted a hoof to her horn, feeling some squishy stuff on it. Bringing her hoof down to inspect it. It was brown.

Oh no.

OH SWEET CELESTIA, NO.

Twilight let out an ear-piercing shriek, followed by a mad dash to the bathroom, all while yelling,

“Oh this is so gross, there’s SHIT on my horn, oh Celestia, why, why, why? It’s just so…EWWWW!”

TS just rolled her eyes, expecting something like this, and called out,

“Twilight, you should have known what you were getting into when I asked for anal!”

Shaking her head and lightly brushing some cum off her fur before it dried completely, TS stood up and added one final item to the list of differences they had compiled, laughing a little as she did so. Once she finished, she moved to the balcony and looked to the sky.

I wonder how much progress our Rainbow Dashes have made?

Meanwhile, both rainbow pegasi were scouring the sky, mapping out the subtle differences in Equestria that RD could find. As they flew back from Manehattan to begin mapping out the west, Rainbow Dash looked down at her good old Ponyville. Everything seemed in order, outside of Twilight yelling something about her horn. The only thing out of place was Sugarcube Corner, which seemed to literally be bouncing with energy. Normally, Pinkie Pie did give an extra kick to the shop. But it seemed almost like Pinkie was giving, say, the double the effort she normally did.

Rainbow Dash blinked a few times, and shook off a ridiculous notion in her mind. After all, there was no way it could be true.

Right?