Lick Lickity Lick

by Inspectah Dash

Rating: everyone
Tags: Crossover, Owlowiscious, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Other, Random
Length: 3439

A group of anonymous ponies kidnap and interrogate Twilight Sparkle. Their goal: to find out the Equestrian government's greatest secret: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

A group of anonymous ponies kidnap and interrogate Twilight Sparkle. Their goal: to find out the Equestrian government's greatest secret: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

The world will still probably never know.

Published 2013-01-23 22:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-23 22:00:02 UTC

Secrets and Lolipops (Lick Lick Lick Lick Lick)

Twilight was bored, to say the least. Normally, she would just read a book. But after counting how many books in her library she hadn't read, Twilight estimated that she would run out of books in a few weeks. She had to ration her story-reading, at least for a while.

Twilight loved hanging out with her friends, but today, none of them were available. Rarity was making dresses, Rainbow Dash was at Wonderbolt training, Fluttershy was at Zecora's, Applejack was bucking trees, and Pinkie Pie was doing... something. Twilight last saw her punching a wooden board stacked onto another wooden board. Pinkie said something about Ponyville facing certain doom, and what she was doing would somehow save it, so Twilight just moved on. Pinkie Pie shenanigans at it's finest.

Even with the amusing moment from Pinkie Pie, Twilight was faced with a whole afternoon of boredom. There was just no one to have fun with.

Wait, what am I thinking? There's a whole town full of ponies here! Twilight thought. There's plenty of ponies to have fun with! Besides, why stop at just six friends?

Twilight perked up with a new sense of resolve. It was true. Twilight hadn't much time to get to know many of the other ponies around town. They were more acquaintances than friends.

That's gonna change today! Hmm, what about Lyra? She's a nice pony, and she's got that history hobby. Maybe we can chat, one intellectual to another.

With that, Twilight gleefully began trotting to the Lyre-loving mare's domain. It was on the other side of town, and Twilight just couldn't wait. For once, a short-cut felt necessary to the lavender librarian.

Twilight took a right turn into an alleyway. It would lead her into the market district of Ponyville, and a short walk from there would take her to Lyra's house. The alley was not the prettiest sight Twilight had seen that day. It was a very thin alley, and she had to constantly step over and around miscellaneous things. A dumpster sat against one of the walls, which Twilight had to work her way around. It had a horrible smell. She considered turning back and taking a shower before going to Lyra's.

Twilight was glad to be almost out of the alley, but a rustling behind her made her stop. She turned around, thinking it might be a raccoon. Nothing was there. Just a dumpster and a bunch of abandoned objects.

"Hello? Anypony there?" Twilight called into the alleyway.

There was no response.

"Hm." Twilight mumbled. She turned back around to continue on her merry way.

"Guess I'm just imagin-"

Twilight was stopped suddenly by a sharp pain in her shoulder. Looking at what caused it was difficult. Her muscles seemed to tense up, and in seconds, the pain was gone. She mustered the strength to look at her right shoulder. A syringe stuck straight out, it's contents already drained into her blood stream. The hoof holding the needle was dark green. Twilight tried to get a better look at her offender, but a bag of some sort was placed on her head and tightened.

Twilight could see nothing, and feel nothing. Her body shifted in a way that told her she was being picked up. This was all very terrifying, but she also found it exciting, in some weird way. The excitement died down when she could feel herself being thrown onto the back of a wagon. Twilight quickly began getting drowsy. The adrenaline had been the only thing keeping her awake. Twilight heard talking outside of the wagon, and she tried to listen closely to what they were saying. Maybe she would be able to figure out where she was going.

The voices were muffled by the bag, and nothing specific could be picked out. The only thing clear was that they probably didn't have the best intentions. The wagon began rocking as she was off to her unwillingly chosen destination. Twilight could do nothing except close her eyes, and let the sedative do it's job.

Twilight Sparkle woke up with a thumping headache. She had no trouble remembering what had happened, though she wasn't exactly sure what it was.

She was happy to realize there was no longer a bag over head. It didn't matter anyway. The room- or wherever she was- was pitch black. Her back and hind-quarters were cold, meaning she was likely in a metal chair of sorts. Twilight's imagination ran wild, thinking of what her captors wanted. She thought they might want to ask her simple questions and let her go. However, they might also want to kill her. Twilight was pretty content with living.

She tried to get out of the chair to no prevail. Her hooves were cuffed to it. Panic began setting in. She thrashed about violently in every which way, trying to escape her bonds. It only succeeded in giving her whiplash.

Ignoring the pain in her neck, she remembered her horn. Focusing her magic on the area around her hind hooves, she attempted to break the chains of the hoofcuffs. It would normally be an easy spell, but it wasn't working. The magic wouldn't even envelop the chains.

Twilight thought she was missing the cuffs. An illumination spell would fix that. She put all of her concentration into the spell, but instead of light bathing her dark surroundings, there was a miniscule glow that faded into nothing.

My magic isn't working! This is bad. This is really bad. What will my friends think when they find out I'm missing? Are they looking for me? Is anyone looking for me?

Twilight Sparkle was in full panic mode, wondering if her death would be quick, or if it would be preceded by torture. Twilight did the typical thing called for in situations like this: she screamed.

"Help! Can anypony hear me? I need help! Anypony!"

"No one can hear you, Twilight Sparkle."

A bright light shined directly in her face nearly blinded her, and she cringed back.

"Who- who are you?" Twilight asked, turning her head away from the light.

"Who I am isn't important. Who you are is." the voice responded. Twilight couldn't open her eyes, but the voice clearly belonged to a stallion. "Please, take the time to regain your vision, Miss Sparkle."

Twilight had no problem with that. After she could open her eyes again, she looked up at the figure. The silhouette of the stallion stood out against the wall behind him. The light that shone in her eyes was a simple desk lamp being pointed at her.

"Do you know where you are, Twilight Sparkle?" the mysterious pony asked.

Twilight looked around the room. There wasn't much to see. She was at the end of a metal table, where the lamp stood. The stallion talking was on the opposite side of the small table. She could also see a second, more muscular pony on the left side of the table. Twilight was able to see this stallion more easily. She was slightly alarmed to see that his fur color was dark green; the same color of the hoof that used the sedative on her.

"No. And how do you know my name?"

The mysterious pony chuckled lightly. "Who doesn't know your name, Twilight Sparkle? Personal student of Celestia, one of the famed Elements of Harmony, savior of the Crystal Empire. You defeated -and I heard- even tamed Discord, the God of Chaos. You and your friends are quite a big deal."

"You leave my friends out of this!" Twilight growled, her magic flaring up and dying back down.

"Oh, do you like you're new accessory?" the pony said, pointing a silhouetted hoof at her horn. "It's a type of metal cone that covers your horn, keeping all magic from working. Yes, I think you'll find magic to be quite useless here. Even your magic, Twilight."

Twilight struggled with her forelegs in a vain attempt to get them free. It began hurting her hooves, so she ceased.

"Okay, fine. Why have you kidnapped me?"

"Skipping the pleasantries; I like it. Let's get to business then." the pony walked closer to her, making it slightly easier to see his features. He appeared to be wearing a pair of sunglasses, despite being inside a dark room.

"What's the number, Twilight Sparkle?" he asked with a stern face.

"Number?" asked a confused Twilight.

"Yes, Twilight. The number." he said, putting his right forehoof on the table. "What is the number?"

"I don't know what number you're asking for."

"Don't play dumb with me, Twilight. I know you know." he leaned slightly closer, clearly agitated.

"I really don't." Twilight said with pleading eyes. "I have no idea what number you're talking about."

The stallion slammed his hoof on the table in front of her. He lifted the hoof and revealed a purple Tootsie Roll Pop rolling side to side on the table

"What is the number of licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?" his face now a mere foot away. His fur was dark blue, and his expression scowled.

"What?" asked Twilight, thoroughly dumbfounded.

"How many licks does it take? The answer's out there, and we know you have it! We want, the number, Twilight." he pulled his face away from hers.

"Is this a joke?"

"Would we have gone through the trouble of kidnapping you if this were a joke?" he asked "This is no joke, Twilight Sparkle. I won't repeat myself again. How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?"

"I really don't know. I've never tried to find out. Besides, it was declared an unsolvable question years ago by Celestia herself. She said the world may never know."

"That was the official story, yes. Celestia dropped the subject completely and told everypony near and far that it was unsolvable. But you and I know better, don't we Twilight?"

"I seriously don't have a clue as to wha-"

"Enough! You're in Celestia's inner circle. You're her personal protégé, and her go-to problem solver. Ponies with that kind of importance to the crown are the only ones permitted to know the greatest secret in Equestrian history."

"What!? That's ridiculous. Even if something as silly as that was a huge secret being covered up, why would you think I was being told about it?"

"Because, Twilight. We've been watching you for months."

"What? How?" Twilight asked, looked irritated.

The stallion chuckled. "Oh, it wasn't hard."

He turned his head to the right. "Here, birdie birdie birdie."

Out of the darkness flew a plump brown bird that landed beside the stallion on the metal table. Twilight gasped in surprise.

"Ow-Owlowiscious?" she stammered.

"Sorry, Twilight. It's nothing personal." the owl replied.

"You can talk!?" Twilight yelled out in amazement.

Owlowiscious shrugged.

"Mmm yes. You were much too happy to welcome Owlowiscious into your home. After he gained your trust, it wasn't long before he got us the proof we needed that you have close ties with Celestia."

"Really? And how exactly does that make me involved in your crazy lolipop conspiracies?"

"You send letters to Celestia at least twice a week; no doubt sending a report on anyone who might be getting too close to the truth."

Twilight's mouth hung agape. "Those are friendship letters! I send them to tell Princess Celestia what I learned about friendship."

"Uh huh, likely story. Tell me, Twilight Sparkle, what do you see in this picture?" the stallion placed a photo in front of her. Twilight immediately recognized it.

"That's Discord. What does he have to do with a lolipop?" Twilight asked, dumbfounded.

"I think you know exactly what he has to do with it, Twilight." the stallion remarked ominously, leaning in closer.

"No. I really, really don't."

"Discord wasn't just the God of chaos. He was the first to discover how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, after the royal sisters tried so hard to keep it a secret. They decided that Discord knew too much, so they imprisoned him in stone, and wrote down in the history books about his 'cruelty against pony kind' to cover it up."

Twilight couldn't facehoof, but she desperately felt the need to. "Is this what you ponies do with your spare time?"

"Twilight, all we want is the truth. And as soon as we get it, you're free to go. You can sleep well knowing that you did the ponies of the world a big favor. All we need is the truth."

"The truth? If you want the truth, just find it out yourself. Buy a Tootsie Pop, and count how many licks it takes you. But don't hold me here, and question me with your conspiracy theories."

"Coming from the mare that said mere moments ago that it was an unsolvable mystery." the stallion smirked. "You were partially correct. It is impossible for any mortal pony to figure out. Luna was the first to uncover how many licks it takes, and even then, it took her months of meditation. It's remained a secret of Celestia's inner circle ever since. That was more than a thousand years ago, Twilight. Not even Owlowiscious can keep licking without being tempted to bite into it's chocolatey-fruity goodness, and he's one of the best. Watch."

The stallion unwrapped the grape Tootsie Pop that sat in front of Twilight, and held it in front of Owlowiscious. The owl began licking the lolipop, counting up with every lick.

"A-one, a-two, a-three."

*CRUNCH*

"A-three."

The stallion put the lolipop stick on the table.

"The truth is in your hooves, Twilight Sparkle. Just tell us the number. The ponies of Equestria deserve the truth."

"I wasn't lying. I have no idea what the number is, and I have no idea why you crazy ponies want it so badly."

The stallion sighed.

He leaned up within inches of her face. "Twilight, I'm getting tired of these games. Tell us what we want to know. I've been lenient with you this entire time, but now I'm beginning to lose my patience. I don't want to have to get rough, Twilight, but I will if you make me. I repeat: how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?!"

"For the last time, I. Don't. Know." Twilight said sternly. "Just wait. When Celestia comes looking for me, getting rough is going to be the last of your problems."

The stallion backed up and placed his hooves on the table, as if he was thinking of something. He let out a deep sigh and banged on the metal with all his strength.

"This is useless. Jack, uncuff her. We're taking her to her cell, where she can take the time to think about what she's doing, before we have to hurt her."

"Yes sir." the large green pony replied, unlocking Twilight's hoofcuffs. Twilight stumbled out of the chair, being held at spear-point by the green one. The dark-blue stallion that was interrogating her opened the door into a lit hallway. She was escorted through, and led down a hall of what seemed like an office building. Three more ponies in similar gear as the interrogator -a pair of large tinted sunglasses- walked up to take her to her cell.

"Wait, stop! Did you hear that?" the blue stallion asked, stopping the ponies in their tracks.

After a moment, the others knew what he heard. A loud bang came from behind them, in the direction of a large door at the end of the hall. A few more slams were heard.

"Go check it out." the blue pony said. Two glasses-clad ponies went towards the door, spears drawn. Before they reached it, the next bang was met with the door being slammed open. Two arrows flew through the open door and impacted the two guards in the chest. Ponies armed with bows, and wearing black business suits stormed through into the hall.

"They're here for the secret of the Tootsie Pop! They can't be allowed to live!" the blue stallion yelled, unsheathing a dagger. At his word, the guards began skirmishing with the invading ponies.

Twilight looked down a small hallway to the left, where she saw a fire escape. None of her captors were currently focused on her.

This might be my only chance.

Twilight made a sprint for the door, praying to Faust it wasn't locked. To her delight, it wasn't. She shut the door quickly behind her, and looked around frantically to get an idea of where she was. Surprisingly, it was already night time, but she knew exactly where she was. Twilight was free, but it wouldn't be long until whoever won that fight would look for her. So Twilight ran.

Well, I did wish that I wasn't bored. But getting kidnapped by crazy ponies was not what I had in mind.

Twilight ran home, and didn't look back.

Twilight took the device off of her horn and slowly opened the door to her library house. She wasn't sure what time it was, or if Spike was already asleep.

She stepped in and slowly closed the door, smiling at the sound of the click. She was kidnapped, but she was back home. Home sweet home. A long sigh of relief escaped her.

"Hey Twilight." a voice called from behind her, making her jump back in fright.

"Spike! You scared me." Twilight said to the purple dragon standing in front of her.

"Well sorry. But you were gone for so long, I was beginning to worry. Where were you anyway?" Spike asked suspiciously.

"I was at Zecora's." Twilight made up a lie quickly. She began walking up the tree-house's stairs into the room with the fire place.

Spike continued asking Twilight questions about her absence the whole way up the stairs.

I swear, he's worse than the interrogators.

"Also, if you were going to Zecora's, the least you coulda-"

"Spike, I'm sorry. I should have checked in with you first. I promise I won't do it again."

Hopefully.

Spike recovered from being interrupted. "Okay, but you promise."

"Pinkie promise. Hey Spike, could you please light the fireplace? It was really cold out there." Twilight asked with a smile.

"Gladly." Spike smiled back and blew a small burst of fire at the wood in the fireplace.

"Thank you Spike." Twilight said, laying down on the couch. She gave a deep yawn.

"Well, it's been a pretty busy day for me. I'm going to get some sleep. You should probably do the same." Twilight closed her eyes.

"A-greed!" Spike remarked. Twilight could hear Spike's foot steps fading. When the foot steps couldn't be heard anymore, Twilight opened her eyes.

She got onto her hooves and silently creeped over to the staircase. Spike wasn't there. Twilight walked over to the wall opposite to the fireplace. She grabbed a typical-looking book off the shelf and opened it. A few pages were cut to make a small compartment, where there sat a small key. Twilight took the key and put the book back on the shelf.

There was a metal file cabinet that stood a few feet away. Twilight walked towards it and stopped to put the key in. She twisted the key and a click was heard inside. Opening the top drawer, Twilight rigorously flipped through the innumerable folders kept neatly inside. Her hoof and heart stopped at seeing a particular folder. She pulled it out. On the front of the tan manila folder read the words:

TOP SECRET

Twilight walked over to the fireplace, where she could more easily read what was inside. She opened the folder. There were papers inside with what looked like observations, mathematic formulas, and other information; along with reports from multiple ponies. At the bottom of the top sheet was a large number circled in red marker. Twilight scanned the number for a few moments, as if trying to commit it to memory. When she looked away from the number, Twilight noticed something she didn't at first.

Paper-clipped to the top of the first sheet, was a picture of a plain orange Tootsie Pop. Twilight looked back at the number once more, and closed the folder. She gave a sigh and threw the folder in the flames. All of it's contents were engulfed, turning to embers in a matter of minutes. Twilight somberly watched as the pages were incinerated into oblivion.

"The world can never know."