The day started as usual for Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Ponyville (and Friendship to hoof, but let’s not give her too big a head… she wouldn’t be able to fit her crown on for a start.)
She rose with the dawn from her four-poster bed, all ready and motivated for another hard day’s list-making, friendshipping and Spike-scolding.
Usually, in that precise order. Hey, she was nothing if not consistent.
But then, just as she was about to slip into her fully-licensed Starswirl The Bearded official furry slippers made from his actual moulted facial hair…
Hold on… is it snowing? No, it can’t be because a) there isn’t a hole in the roof and b) it’s the middle of July. Now I know sometimes there are odd weather patterns around Equestria, but for there to be a major blizzard in such balmy conditions would be neigh-on impossible. Plus, Rainbow Dash would have informed me about it over a week ago if that were the case. So what the hay is happening…
The answer to the root cause of the unknown white powder which was currently covering Twilight from on high and starting to form in great clumps in her fur at a worrying rate could be found lurking above her. All it took was one upward glance for all Twilight’s confusion and consternation to be popped like one of the three colourful balloons emblazoned starkly upon the intruder’s fuzzy flank.
“I might have guessed… Pinkie!! How did you get in… you know what, you’re Pinkie Pie, so you don’t have to answer that question. Just tell me what you’re up to please, so I record this little incident for posterity later in my already full-to-bursting ‘Pinkie’s Little Eccentricities’ file, then we can all go home and pretend this never happened.”
“Really?! You love lil ol’ me so much, you’ve made an entire directory devoted just to my wacky hi-jinks? I don’t know what to say, Twilight, except… fan-super-tastic!” Not for the first time Pinkie got completely the wrong end of the stick, and continued liberally sprinkling a mystery substance over her bemused friend’s mane on high from what looked like a glass shaker with one hole in the middle.
“Betcha thought it was snow, didn’t ya? Well I’ve got news for you, it’s salt. Pretty crafty, eh?”
“Very. And where, if I dare enquire, is its inseparable twin the pepper pot?”
“I left him at home. I figured if I used that, you’d be sneezing for the rest of the day and with all the important paperwork you have lying around… I’m such a good friend, aren’t I?”
“The best. Shall I tell you what would make you an even better ‘friend’ in my book, Pinkie?”
“Please, Twilight, please! Tell me all the ways I can improve, and I’ll be the friendliest friend you’ll depend ‘til the end!”
“Well for one thing… you can stop breaking into my castle every night to watch me sleep…”
“Uh huh, uh huh…” At this point Pinkie whipped out a wooden clipboard from somewhere in her tangled mane, and started rapidly taking notes with a clenched pencil between her teeth.
“...Changing the page I’m on in the book I’m reading by my bedside table…”
“Goes without saying, mein comandante.”
“... Using my toothbrush to clean Gummy’s… um…”
“Never hurts to play pretend sometimes, Twi!”
“Okay then, Pinkie. Anyway, now we have a new addition to the list. Do you wanna hear it?”
“Ooh, I do… I do! Let me just check my ears: yep, no wax there… just a bit of peanut brittle from the conclusion of last night’s thrilling How-Much-Candy-Can-You-Squeeze-Into-Every-Orifice-Of-Your-Body contest. Spoiler: I won! And first prize was… a year’s supply of candy! D’ya want some?”
“Erm, no thanks… not after what I’ve just heard.”
“Fine, your loss. Slurp. Now, what was it you were going to tell me again?”
“Oh yes, the big one. Here’s how you show me you mean what you say, you’ll work harder to alleviate the differences between you and me which are currently preventing us from cultivating a stronger relationship; being a ‘True, True, Friend’, in other words. Pinkie, do you understand?”
“...Sure Twi, but I’m glad you said that last part because I didn’t know what the hay you were on about the rest of the time. So, how can I ‘cultivate’ and ‘alleviate’ our relationship? Leave it outside over the summer to bloom, watering it occasionally? Do I need to buy any compost, gardening gloves, greenfly spray…?”
“No Pinkie, that’s not quite right. Now, are you ready to hear the real secret to being and remaining in my good books?”
“Yay! I love good books!”
“Excellent. I’m with you there. Anyway… here we go… brace yourself…”
“I’m there, Twilight… hit me with it! With extra feeling!”
“Gladly. Do not…”
“Yes?”
“...Garnish me…”
“Next part?”
“With table condiments…”
“ ‘Compliments’? Oh…”
“When I’m trying to R&R after a hard day’s Friendship problem-solving!!” The rest of Twilight’s words came out thick, fast and loud, and by the end she was gasping and wheezing like a broken-down old nag. “S-So, do we have an understanding, Pinkie Pie? You’ll stop trying to thoroughly season me within the comfort of my own homestead, and I won’t have to respond by growling intimidatingly under my breath at your rampant craziness. Agreed?”
“Abso-posit-lutely!” Pinkie Pie enthusiastically nodded her compliance, before jumping up off the back of Twilight’s headboard to bounce towards her bedroom door. “Besides, I’d say you’re pretty much done. Thanks for laying so perfectly still while I did my work, and see you later!”
A completely nonplussed Twilight watched her eccentric friend bounce off and out of her castle, pausing only briefly to wish a bemused Spike a ‘happy, happy’ day and apologise for knocking Starlight over, thus ruining one of the finest cups of Empathy Cocoa she’d ever prepared.
Well, that was definitely something. That just happened. Nopony can deny that. Twilight shook her head at the seemingly limitless levels of lunacy that Pinkie Pie was capable of aspiring to, before climbing out of bed to face the rest of the day. I hope things start becoming halfway sane now she’s gone. Now I’m going to have to spend twice as long under the shower scrubbing myself before I meet the Girls for our monthly picnic.
“Spike, you forgot to install the anti-Pinkie lock again… and you better not have used all the hot water! Or… you’ll be in hot water, Mister!! Yeah.”
“Er, Twilight?”
“What is it, Rarity?”
“I realise this question may be a bit of an oxymoron, but…”
“Yes?”
“Have you noticed how… oddly Pinkie Pie’s been acting of late?”
“What, you mean apart from insisting that I sit directly in line with the blazing sun, randomly sprinkling herbs and spices on me every chance she gets, and drooling at the mouth whenever she looks in my direction? No, not really.”
“Yeah, I’m with Rarity, Twi. Pinkie’s acting even weirder than normal… though, calling her a moron seems a bit of a stretch.”
“At least I received an advance preview of her latest brush with insanity this morning in my bedroom, Rainbow Dash. Tell me Fluttershy… has she still got that crazed expression on her face whilst feverishly banging a knife and fork together on the table?”
“U-Um yes, I’m afraid she has.”
“Thought so. Well, no point in putting it off any longer. As soon as I wipe this parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme off my back, I’ll go over there and talk to her. I mean, surely one of us can get through to her, before we have to sign the commitment papers.”
“Er, Twilight… are ya sure that’s a good idea?”
“No, not really, Applejack… but seeing as I’m the one she started this latest bizarre pattern of behaviour with, I should be the one to end it. I hope. Wish me luck, everypony…”
“Good luck…” came the chorus from all and sundry, but the general response appeared somewhat muted. It was almost as if, after more than a few close encounters with complete madness, Pinkie Pie had really fallen off the wagon into the deep end this time, and there looked to be no way to pull her back.
Twilight trotted over to her funster friend with initial reluctance, but steeled her resolve with all the fond memories they’d shared since her arrival in Ponyville. Pinkie Pie may be Pinkie Pie, but she’s our Pinkie Pie. Now, how shall I attempt to communicate with my patient… I-I mean, my pal…
“Hi, Pinkie!”
“Hi, Twilight!”
“Long time no see! …That was a joke, by the way. I thought you would appreciate that. Anyway, I was just wondering…”
“Well, ain’t that a coinky-dink, because I was just wondering something too! And your jokes are terrible. Thanks for asking!”
“E-Er, right. Anyway, you go first. What were you ‘wondering’?”
“Twilight?”
“Yes?”
“Can I take a bite out of your tummy?”
“WHAT?!”
Unlike Twilight’s desperate attempts at obfuscation with Pinkie earlier in the Castle Of Friendship, the earth pony went straight in for the kill with her direct request… still sporting the same innocuously innocent look on her face whilst Twilight struggled to regain her composure.
“It’s okay Twilight, you don’t have to say ‘yes’ right now. I’ll give you some time to think about it until we leave…”
“W-w-why would you even ask such a thing?!”
“The way I figure it, there’s more flesh there than anywhere else on your body, so you’re less likely to miss it. Not that I’m trying to fat shame you or anything, but…”
“ T-That’s not the issue here!! I meant, why would you want to eat any part of me at all! What are you, some kind of cannibal now?”
“No, just kinda curious I guess. A pony gets kinda tired of gobbling down nothing but sweet treats after a while. And I know for a fact, that as soon as I have that first nibble, I’ll be satisfied and return to who I used to be. Plain old crazy yet endearing Pinkie, not I-may-strip-the-skin-from-your-very-bones-so-lock-me-up-now Pinkie. You have my word on that.”
“...And you’re positive about this? This isn’t another one of your weird gags, that you’re just gonna turn around before-hoof and say ‘fooled you!’ again?”
“Yep, sure as sugar! In fact, that remains me… I wonder how you’d go with…”
“N-No thanks, I think I’ve got more than enough flavouring for one day. I’ve already been cured, cooked and covered in miscellaneous herbs and spices, so I must be ‘ready for consumption’. Or, something.” Twilight took a deep breath, before exposing her stomach region to an adjacent Pinkie. “Now, Celestia help me… I can’t believe I’m participating in this nonsense, but you may take one small nip if it’ll help rescue you from the dank depths of insanity. No biting, no blood, no pain. Do we have an agreement?”
“Oh, Twilight. You don’t know how much this means to me! If ever I needed to be reminded what a ‘True, True, Friend’ looks like…”
“Just… get it over with.” Twilight visibly grimaced as she waited for Pinkie’s grinning chompers to make their impact known. Remember, you’re doing this for her, you’re doing this for her, to keep her out of the nut house, gee I hope this works…
“With pleasure!” Pinkie wasted no more time, and sunk her eager teeth into the flabbiest part of Twilight’s purple undercarriage. But no sooner had she savoured the briefest flavour of the alicorn’s tender horseflesh…
“Yuck, that’s disgusting!” A retching Pinkie withdrew herself quick as a flash from Twilight’s delicate personage, bouncing back to the main picnic table to join the rest of her friend group, targeting one in particular. “Applejack, I’ve got a bone to pick with you! Several bones, in fact. When we passed the Castle Of Friendship the other day and saw Twilight and Spike sunbathing together outside, you said and I quote ‘She sure looks mighty tasty!' But you’re wrong, she ‘tastes’ awful. So much for your reputation of honesty! I’ll expect dibs on the first crate of Zap Apples this season, as compensation for all the trouble you’ve put me through today. Now, a refreshing drink to take the nasty taste away. Hey Flutters, ya gonna finish that?”
As Pinkie Pie ‘stole’ the lemonade of an utterly gobsmacked Fluttershy, she and the rest of her friends instantly turned their attention to Applejack, who for some reason was sweating so profusely she’d taken her own hat off to fan herself.
“H-Hey, um… Good ol’ Pinkie’s back to her old self, hurray! Sure is hot out here today, though… Rainbow Dash… could ya pass the coleslaw please?”
“Applejack, a word if you may?”
Gulp “Yes, Twilight.”
And as a solemn Twilight led a noticeably apprehensive Applejack over to a more secluded location to discuss who-knows-what, Pinkie Pie continued to eat and be merry as the other ponies present were far too busy frantically whispering to each other to give their food much attention.
“You want that ice lolly, Rarity? No? I’ll have it, then… Seeing as Applejack has gone for the moment, I’ll be taking her bread roll… And Rainbow Dash! Those hay fries are getting cold, I think it might be better if I liberate them from you… super! Best. Picnic. Ever! Eat up, everypony!”
Author's Note
No Alicorns were harmed during the creation of this fic. 
It's been a very quiet week for me, so have another of my comedic one-shots in the short run-up to Easter.
Personally, I prefer chocolate eggs to meat, but what do I know? Have a great weekend everyone! 
