"Hello there! What can I get for you?"
Luna had been so fascinated by the world around her that she barely missed the words of the human standing behind his cart. After all, it was Earth. People were roaming about, trees were slightly rustling in the breeze, and the sun was shining without her sister's help. (She knew that last fact because she had gone to the planetarium and had her mind blown.)
"Hmm..." She looked upwards to peruse the menu. "Ah! I would like to purchase one 'hot dog', please."
"Excellent choice!" Instead of the vendor making the hot dog by hand, one suddenly appeared in a poof of mysterious magic. "And here you are. Would you like anything else?"
Luna looked at the menu again. "May I also have a..." She squinted. "Pep-sigh?"
A sixteen-ounce soda cup, complete with top and straw, poofed into existence. "Here you go! Will that be all?"
"Yes, I do believe so."
"Your total comes to...one million-billion-zillion dollars."
Luna's muzzle wrinkled.
The vendor laughed and laughed. "Oh, I'm only kidding! No, no, your actual total is $5 exactly."
Lucky for Luna that she had found a $5 bill in the parking lot of some place called "Staples". She gave it to the vendor, thanked him, and took her food and drink to a nearby picnic table.
It was after two minutes of staring at the strange food and chugging her sugary drink that she had forgotten to inquire about the many bottles the vendor had on his cart. Making sure to cover her food, she rushed back and asked.
"Oh, those?" The vendor gestured to his collection. "Toppings. I have ketchup, mustard, sauerkraut, cheese, ranch..."
Luna stared at the bottles and their peeling labels. It was hard to pick which one she wanted, so she went with all of them, much to the vendor's horror as he watched her walk away with every bottle he had on the cart, caught in her brilliantly blue aura.
First was ketchup. Luna squirted the bottle on the top and the sides of the meat, and eyed her work. It looked...surprisingly good. She raised the food to her mouth and took a bite.
The bottle of ketchup was shifted to the newly-created "Good" pile.
And then she had no more hot dogs. A sad predicament, but not one so easily remedied without resorting to immoral means. So she found a gap of time where the vendor had abandoned his cart, rushed over, and grabbed every hot dog he had, stuffing them in buns before rushing back to her table. It was not immoral. It was for the good of Earth. She was doing people a favor by choosing the best topping for a hot dog.
Next was mustard. The same design, but it had a more distinct taste than ketchup. Which was weird to Luna, because it looked like yellow ketchup.
Oh well. To the "Good" pile it went.
Cheese, sauerkraut, and bacon bits were next on the list. Cheese and bacon bits went to the "Good" pile. Sauerkraut went to the "Bad" pile, because it smelled bad and that was enough for Luna.
She soon found out that there were many things one could put on a hot dog, even going beyond saucy toppings. Her culinary knowledge was expanded by humans who came up to her and offered her suggestions for toppings. Coleslaw, something called "guacamole" that looked like Tia's vomit after eating too much cake, and peppers. So. Many. Peppers. And that was just the start!
Her stomach felt like a cosmos unto itself, able to hold hot dog after hot dog.
Until...it wasn't.
Luna could barely fit the other half of what had to be her one-millionth-billionth-trillionth hot dog. Her bulging stomach growled in protest as she let her head rest on the table. She was immune to an army of ants slowly making their way up the legs of the table and beginning to stake claim to the hot dog, lifting it and carrying it back down as best they could.
All this effort, and she never even found the perfect topping. Hardly anything had gone in her "Bad" pile. And it wasn't like her stomach had the capacity to sort through the "Good" pile and make a "Great" pile. Clearly, a good digestive system did not run in the family, and she envied her sister for being able to down ten cakes in one sitting without getting sick.
Grumbling, she tried to will herself to get up and return the bottles to the vendor, but her body refused to cooperate. She was stuck watching the people go by, chatting, laughing...enjoying hot dogs...
She clutched her stomach. Thinking about hot dogs made her queasy.
"Hey there!"
If Luna were able to move, she would have jumped. Instead, all she could manage was a weak wave.
"So, uh...you stole all my hot dogs, huh?"
Even speaking threatened to return the wieners through sender. Still, Luna's body rippled as she forced herself to nod.
"And you didn't pay for them."
A head shake, which was even harder to do.
"Hmm." The vendor took a seat across from Luna. "I figured as much. Talking horses usually don't carry American dollars on them." He smiled. "I'm also figuring you enjoyed them, going by your...uh..."
Luna didn't need for him to finish the sentence, nor did she want to. She managed another nod.
The vendor eyed the bottles and condiments. "Wow. You really went all out, huh?" He gave a breathy chuckle. "I've been in this business for several years and not once have I seen someone take every condiment and topping on my cart for their hot dogs."
There was no leniency for Luna to argue with him. Not if her body had anything to say about it.
"Hey. I'll let you in on a little secret." The vendor leaned close. "You wanna know what the best condiment for hot dogs is?"
That got Luna's attention. Her eyes rolled up, and her body rippled again with another nod.
With a poof, a hot dog appeared on the plate. It had ketchup sandwiched in between the sides of the wiener and the bun. As her eyes laid upon it, Luna's stomach lurched, and she clutched it with her other leg, moaning in pain.
The vendor either seemed unaware of her reaction, or he simply didn't pay it much mind. "It's ketchup. Put right between the bun and the dog." he said. "Sometimes, simple is better. People like to try all these weird food combinations for their dogs, but I prefer the plain route. As hard as it is to believe."
Slowly, Luna raised a hoof and placed it on the table, as though she was planning on getting up.
"Why, uh...why don't I take you to urgent care?" The vendor got up and went to Luna's side of the table, sticking his hand out. "I had a lot of hot dogs in my cart. Gotta stock up for busy days, heh heh."
The other hoof was placed on the table.
"I'll even foot the bill, pay off any expenses you get. Doubt a horse like you has health insurance."
It wasn't so much the offer of payment as it was the desire to actually stand up and not spend all day sitting on a bench that got Luna on her hooves. With the vendor's help, it was easier, though she wobbled a little due to her stomach throwing her off balance.
The pair went back to collect the vendor's cart and put the condiments in its bottom drawer before walking through the park. Where the nearest "urgent care" place was, Luna had no idea, but "urgent care" was definitely what she needed, and so she followed her new companion.
"So, uh, what's your name?" the vendor asked. "Mine's Drew Lavinsky."
Luna swallowed a bit of bile that had begun to make its home in her throat. "P-Princess...Luna." she wheezed. "Of the...night."
Drew's eyes widened. "Ohh, so you're a princess, huh?" he said, in a tone that made it clear he thought Luna was a character from a fairytale but was going along with it anyway. "And of the night, too. Wow, that must be tough."
"Mhm. Very much so." Luna attempted to walk straight, her hoof letting go of Drew's. "I raise and lower the moon every evening for the whole of Equestria. It is my sacred duty."
"Hey, you can talk better now!" Drew pointed out. "Uh, I mean...you raise and lower the moon in...your world?"
"Indeed." The pain in Luna's gut was subsiding little by little. She wasn't sure if it was the walking and talking that was doing it, or if it was the fascinating biology of the equine body. "I shall assume that is not how it is done here."
"Nope. The moon rises and descends on its own."
"Quite interesting."
The nearest urgent care facility wasn't too far from the park, as Luna and Drew quickly found out. Still, they chatted amiably about each other and their lives, getting to know each other and befriend one another little by little.
"Drew." Luna, standing in front of the double doors leading into the office, turned. "I did not get to express my deepest gratitude for the hot dogs and toppings you, ah...so graciously...let me steal. I thank you."
This earned a chuckle. "You're welcome, Princess."
"Please. We have discussed this. Just Luna is fine."
"All right. Luna, then." Drew nodded. "Anyway, I'm glad I was able to be a part of your first hot dog experience. And..." He raised a finger, noticing Luna about to say something. "Don't worry about paying me back. My cart is quite popular. I'll make the money back and then some."
Luna smiled.
Drew took his cart to the bicycle rack and chained it to its very end using a sturdy lock. "Now come on. Your stomach may not hurt anymore, but I think the nurses should check you out. You should be thankful I didn't have any chili."
With a chuckle, Luna stepped inside, Drew following close behind in what was the start of a good friendship.
Author's Note
I have an Odd Squad-MLP crossover crackfic in the works already, but I have three chapters to go on it and there's no way I would have gotten it done for April Fools. So this half-tired-and-filled-with-crack story it is. (What's the opposite of HiE? PoE? Pony on Earth?)
And let it be known that ketchup on the sides of the dog is the best way to eat a hot dog. I would not, however, recommend eating one million-billion-trillion hot dogs. Unless you have money to blow at the hospital. Then it's okay.
