Raptor Yellow

by AlwaysDressesInStyle

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death, Fluttershy, Violence, Petunia Paleo
Length: 1715

Petunia Paleo is convinced Fluttershy is a dinosaur.

Petunia Paleo is convinced Fluttershy is a dinosaur. She might just be right. Unfortunately, in the Everfree Forest, it's eat or be eaten.

An April Foal's Day crackfic that shouldn't be taken seriously.

Published 2024-04-01 04:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-04-01 04:50:01 UTC

Raptor Yellow

Fog shrouds the early morning Ponyville landscape. It’s the perfect weather for stalking prey. A pair of hunters are out: one looking for breakfast, while the other is intent on catching the other.

At least that’s what Petunia Paleo believes. She’s absolutely convinced that Fluttershy is secretly a Velociraptor. It’s a conclusion she’s jumped to, though there’s some scant evidence providing dubious backup to the fantastical claim.

Three-toed tracks had been found in the Everfree Forest, and Petunia had followed those tracks right to Fluttershy’s cottage. The tracks in question could belong to any number of birds known to live in the area, though few reach the size needed to make them. The tracks are also spaced relatively far apart, as if the bird has long legs designed for running down prey.

Of course, logic dictates that Fluttershy is an animal caretaker. Most ponies would just ask her what bird made the tracks, and she’d probably provide a lengthy reply, spouting facts about the avian like buckball fans rattle off their favorite team’s stats. Of course, that reply might also be delivered from the bushes, or from behind a door… but the notoriously shy pony is getting better about that.

As a scientist-in-training, Petunia knows better than to jump to conclusions. She knows to examine all the facts and test her hypothesis. As a hyperactive filly, Petunia doesn’t have the patience to go through all the painstaking steps of the scientific process. She simply follows the tracks into the Everfree Forest and hides behind a tree until whatever animal made them comes back.

It’s a simple strategy, but an effective one. She’s rewarded when a yellow and pink Velociraptor walks past.

Petunia gasps. “I knew it! You really are a Velociraptor!”

“I’m very offended that you think I’m a Velociraptor. That’s preposterous. You know nothing at all about dromaeosaurs, do you? I’m really a Deinonychus antirrhopus. Yes, there’s a difference, and as a budding paleontologist, I’d really expect you of all ponies to know this.”

“And I’d think that you of all dinosaurs should at least be able to pronounce your genus name correctly. It’s ‘Die-non-ick-us’ not ‘Die-no-nike-us’.”

“‘Poe-tae-toe’, po-tah-toe’, it doesn’t really matter. I really hate it when ponies correct me on the pronunciation of Deinonychus. Alas, you’ve discovered my secret. I’m now obligated to eat you.”

“Uh, that’s not very kind of you.”

“I can’t be kind all the time, kiddo. But I normally only hunt bad ponies. I have a list.”

Zephyr Breeze
Gilda
Mayor Mare
Trixie
Flim & Flam
Ma Hooffield and the rest of the Hoofields
Big Daddy McColt and the rest of the McColts
Trixie
Gladmane
Trixie
Lightning Dust
Trixie
The cherry seller from the market (really should ask Pinkie for his name before I eat him; note to self: do not eat Pinkie before asking this)
Sugar Belle
Cheerilee
Marble Pie
Cloudchaser & Flitter
Pinkie Pie
Rainbow Dash
Tirek
Chrysalis
Cozy Glow

“Wait a minute. Isn’t Zephyr Breeze your brother?”

“He was.”

“You ate your brother? How could you do that to your own family?”

“You’re obviously an only child. What pony doesn’t fantasize about devouring their annoying sibling? You also obviously never met my brother. Now you never will. You’re welcome for that last part. He’d have been hitting on you the whole time.”

“But I’m still a filly!”

“My point stands.”

“Okay, so maybe he deserved it. But aren’t Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie two of your best friends?”

“We hang out sometimes but Pinkie’s annoying and Dash is obnoxious.”

“But what about the Elements of Harmony?”

“Since I’m going to eat you anyway, I guess there’s no harm in spilling the beans. Those necklaces and Twilight’s big crown thingy are fakes. Discord destroyed the real ones.”

“Makes sense. Cheerilee is my teacher. Not that I’m complaining, but why is she on the list?”

“She’s one of Big Macintosh’s ex-marefriends.”

“How does that make her a bad pony?”

“You’ll understand when you’re older. Not that you’re going to get older.”

“Last question: why is Trixie on the list so many times?”

“Alternate reality versions. She’s… very satisfying to hunt and there’s no shortage of alternate realities out there.”

“Fair enough.” Petunia gives the list back. “Those last three are going to be kinda crunchy.”

~~Flutterraptor~~ Fluttonychus chuckles. “Not really. Discord can unpetrify them at his whim. I’m sure he can poof a new statue into place so nopony’s ever the wiser. But it’s not really much of a hunt, so they’re kind of a low priority with so many bad ponies left in the world.”

“But why?”

“You know I keep animals. I have predators to feed, and I can’t just buy meat at the Ponyville market. I feel so bad whenever one of the predators eats one of my animal friends. But with so many awful ponies out there… I’m well versed in the cycle of life. Tenontosaurus eats plants, and Deinonychus eats Tenontosaurus. That’s why I had Discord grant me the ability to change forms at a moment’s notice.”

“But I’m not a Tenontosaurus. So you’ll have to let me go.”

~~Flutterraptor~~ Fluttonychus taps her chin with her claws. “That’s your best survival strategy?”

“Hey! I’m eleven! Give me a break”

“Perfect. Still young and tender.” Fluttonychus licks her lips. “Not many scientists get to experience evolution at work. Life is survival of the fittest, and you won’t live along enough to add your genetic material to the gene pool. You’re just a dead end in your family tree.”

“Hey, you know as well as I do that Deinonychus is a pack hunter. You could ask Discord to change me, too, and we could hunt together!”

“No way, kiddo. Fillies talk a lot. I can’t have you inadvertently blabbing my secrets to the world.”

Petunia stands her ground. “Then I want to go all the way. I want you to devour me at the lake, so you can push my carcass into the water where it can be buried by sediment and fossilized. Someday I’ll be in a museum and the future denizens of this world will marvel at me, making up crazy theories on how I lived and died.”

“You’re a very strange filly, Petunia Paleo. Most ponies would have run away in panic long before now.”

“Most ponies are also delusional if they don’t realize that you could give them a head start and still run them down without breaking a sweat. Oh! Do you sweat? Do dinosaurs sweat? That’s not in any of my books! I can die knowing something no other paleontologist knows.”

“I repeat, you’re a very, very strange filly.”

Petunia keeps pestering Fluttonychus with questions related to dinosaurs the entire way to the lake. Answers to questions paleontologists had wondered about for centuries, a last request granted to the enthusiastic filly who is soon to be breakfast for the various predators under Fluttershy’s care.

Petunia stands on the lakeshore and Fluttonychus looks at her. “Any last words?”

“Just one: Now!”

A splash draws their attention to the lake.

“Ha! Never presume that a filly doesn’t have Spinosaurus aegyptiacus at her disposal!”

The sail-backed dinosaur emerges from the depths, water trickling down its snout. It glares at ~~Flutterraptor~~ Fluttonychus and takes another step closer. Fluttonychus looked from her would-be prey to the apex predator and back again.

“What the Tartarus?”

“I call her Spiny. She was the first dinosaur I found – right in my own backyard! I got my cutie mark because of her. Bringing her back to life was quite satisfying.”

“Fossils are supposed to be dead!”

“We live in Ponyville, current home of Starlight Glimmer. Maybe you know her? If you give her a magical challenge, she doesn’t exactly bother asking if she ‘should’ before answering if she ‘could’. On a side note, the answer to ‘can a necromancy spell work on a long dead fossil?’ is ‘yes’. Did I ever mention I really like predators? I gave you a chance to be friends.”

Fluttonychus continues backpedaling, never taking her eyes off the Spinosaurus. The attack comes from her rear. She feels teeth sinking into the soft flesh of her back. It takes her a moment to realize they’re the dull teeth of an herbivore.

“You taste like chicken.”

Fluttonychus gasps. “You’ve eaten chicken?”

“Sure, why not? Birds are dinosaurs and I’ve always wanted to eat a dinosaur.”

“Oh, um, I’m vegan. I could never eat one of my animal buddies.”

Petunia coughs and points to the list.

“Okay, I’m mostly vegan. Ponies and the occasional griffin don’t really count.”

The roar catches Fluttonychus by surprise. A Ceratosaurus nasicornis steps into the clearing and lunges.

“And there’s Bitey, right on time. She stayed upwind. Bitey was the second dinosaur I found.” Petunia pats the dinosaur’s snout. “She’s very grateful for a second chance, and incredibly loyal.”

It’s a short fight. Fluttonychus tries to use her speed and agility to flee but Bitey chases her right into the waiting jaws of Spiny.

Petunia picks up the list and shakes her head. “Justice has been served… raw.”

Seconds later, Discord materializes in the clearing in a panic. He sees Spiny eating what’s left of Fluttershy and snaps his claws, returning the Spinosaurus to fossilized bones. He doesn’t notice Bitey until he’s in her jaws.

Petunia's jaw drops as she watches Bitey devour Discord. Discord poofs back into existence next to her and pushes her jaw closed. “Somepony’s been a very naughty filly.”

“Oh? And Fluttershy hasn’t been naughty too?”

Discord taps a claw to his snout. “Naughty or not, it was delightfully chaotic. But it’s only fun and games until Fluttershy gets eaten. I’m afraid I can’t let this come to pass.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m afraid it’s come to this: a retcon.” Discord snaps his claws and time flows backwards.

Fluttershy is sitting across the table from him, sipping her tea.

“Discord, my predators keep eating my other animal friends even after I asked them politely not to. Do you have any ideas on how I can stop this?”

“Just one…” He pauses. “Nope, never mind. That ends poorly. I’m afraid you’ll just have to allow nature to take it’s normal, chaotic course. More crumpets?”

Author's Note

Story notes: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/1036316/story-notes-raptor-yellow