The Main Six Are Anon’s Terrible Moms?
Why Did These Ponies Adopt You?
You are Anon, a retired hero, and currently a Prince of the Crystal Empire. You just woke up from a good night’s rest at Sweet Apple Acres’ guest room, after a long trip from the Crystal Empire.
This day is going to be perfect. Princess Twilight said that she had an amazing spell that she wanted to show you. You’re also going to visit Princess Luna, and talk over your Super Smash Herds tips and strategies for the upcoming tournament at Los Pegasus over dinner. It’s a fancier place than you’d normally go to, but Luna is a retired Princess, after all.
You’re glad that Winter Wrap Up finished and all the snow and ice is gone; The sun is shining through your windows, the birds are singing, flowers are blooming, and it’s a wonderful day for everything you have planned; The weather looks like it will be reasonably warm, and sunny, just like it said right at the top of Ponyville’s weather schedule for the month.
You smile, get dressed, and head to the dining room to get some breakfast.
When you get there, you look around. Ten plates of hay bacon, eggs, and flower salad have been set out for the Apples friends and family, on a long dining table. You’re surprised by this, since Big Macintosh and Apple Bloom didn’t tell you that Sweet Apple Acres was going to have guests.
At one end of the long, rectangular table, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy are sitting. Pinkie Pie is wearing a tweed deerstalker hat, and a distinguished, fake black mustache. Pinkie’s holding a pipe for some reason, and there’s an empty seat between her and Rainbow Dash. Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo are sitting at the opposite end of the table. You don’t see Big Macintosh and Applejack anywhere. You haven’t seen or thought about Applejack in years, now that you think of it. How is she doing?
“What’s going on?”, you ask everypony. Is it somepony’s birthday? You don’t have any good gifts on you. Just a fountain pen. Maybe you’re interrupting something.
Pinkie Pie says, “Come join us, son,” and gestures to the seat between Fluttershy and Apple Bloom.
You sit down, ignoring Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie, and the fact that you’re not young enough for her to call you son.
Rainbow Dash asks, “Why are you even wearing that fake mustache, Pinkie Pie?”
Pinkie Pie exhales soap bubbles through her pipe, and explains, “Our son needs a reliable father figure in his life, at least until Applejack’s back.”
Rainbow Dash agrees, “Good point!”
Wait, do those two really think that you’re their son? Did Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadance put you up for adoption without telling you? Did Princess Twilight mess up everycreature’s destiny again? Or was it Discord? You bet it was Discord.
Well, they’re right about wanting a reliable father figure. Prince Shining Armor is fatherly, but not reliable. You aren’t sure if Pinkie Pie can be reliable, though.
With the practiced diplomacy and manners of royalty, you politely ignore your plate of inedible hay fries and flower salad, and get a clean bowl. You take out your favorite cereal that you’d brought last night, and pour it into a bowl. You walk over to the fridge and open it, and look around for milk, but you can’t find it. Annoyed, you ask, “Where’s the milk?”
Rainbow Dash's ears flatten. She stares at you, then says with conviction, “Applejack’s getting Canter-lottery tickets and milk. She’ll be back soon.”
That sounds pretty suspicious. You think you’ve heard that excuse many times before. Exactly how long has Applejack been gone for? And have these ponies all been without milk and calcium deficient because they think she’ll be back ‘soon’? They seem healthy to you, but you’re not a horse doctor.
Rainbow Dash excitedly says, “You better eat something, son. There’s a big day ahead of you! You’re going to need the energy for when I get you into shape for the Wonderbolts Academy!” You weren’t paying attention to her before, but you realize that she’s wearing her Wonderbolts drill instructor uniform, and a whistle.
Rarity objects, “Don’t eat too much, though. Save your appetite for your dinner with Luna tonight.”
You have no idea of what in the Tartarus is going on. Why does Rainbow Dash want me to join the Wonderbolts? You object, “What? I can’t even join the Wonderbolts; I’m a Prince, and I’m a human. I don’t have wings.”
What is Rainbow Dash even thinking? Are you supposed to flap your arms and legs really fast, or use a magic broomstick?
You’re certain that Discord did something to everypony, and you’re going to find out what it was. But not on an empty stomach.
Rainbow Dash excitedly continues, ignoring your reasonable complaints. “This is the family of the best Wonderbolt there is! No son of mine is going to give up on being a Wonderbolt without actually trying! I bet that Twilight could give you awesome magic wings.”
You think that Rainbow Dash must have been hypnotized, brainwashed, or replaced by a changeling. The last time that you saw her, she refused to talk to you, and held a grudge after you and Discord convinced her that birds weren’t real years ago.
And even if Twilight gave you magic wings, creatures would definitely object to using somepony else’s magic to cheat and join the Wonderbolts. It’d undermine all the effort the pegasi and other winged creatures put in to join the Wonderbolts, and it’s probably against Wonderbolts rules. You’d expect Rainbow Dash to know all of that. “I don’t believe I can. It’s just common sense that a human flying in the Wonderbolts is impossible.”
Rainbow Dash stands up straight on her hind hooves on top of the seat of her chair, stares at you, bangs her forehoof against her chest then points at you, stares at you confidently, then confidently yells a speech at you. “Dumb-flank! Listen up, Anon! Reject common sense to make the impossible possible! That’s how a Wonderbolt works! Don’t believe in yourself. Believe in me, who believes in you!” The other ponies at the table look at Rainbow Dash, smile, and give a small unanimous nod in agreement, for reasons that baffle you.
Rainbow Dash then takes out a page of a comic book from her uniform’s pocket, unfolds it, and proudly explains, “I have an intense training regiment that will make any human strong.” She looks at it and yells, “One hundred sit-ups! One hundred push-ups! Then a ten-kilometer run! And one hundred squats! Do it every single day, and don’t skip a single day! And make sure you eat three meals daily! Even if you just have a banana for breakfast. In fact, we should start training right after breakfast!” She takes a banana out of her uniform’s pocket, and places it in front of you.
You did not expect all that yelling, not even from Rainbow Dash; You’re impressed with her lung capacity. But you honestly don’t think that you’re capable of flying, or all that exercise.
You look down upon the banana and frown. Unfortunately, you’re a Prince, which means that you can no longer do anything as undignified as eating a banana in front of everypony. You have never seen or heard of Shining Armor, Cadance, Flurry Heart, Twilight Sparkle, Celestia, Luna, Dragon Lord Ember, or anycreature else eat a banana after becoming royalty, for good reasons that became obvious after your coronation; You won’t bring shame to your fellow royalty. Not even the former Queen Chrysalis, King Sombra, or the Storm King would have dared to eat a banana. Twilight might banish you to the moon if you did something that improper.
Rarity objects, “Well, dear, maybe the training should wait until after our son’s dinner date with Luna?”
You’re just gaming pals. Why does everypony have an overactive imagination? Are they bored? Is Cadance giving them ideas?
You firmly object, “It’s not a date.”
Everypony stares at you, narrowing their eyes. You ignore them, determined to figure out how and why the Elements of Harmony think that they’re your adoptive parents, as well as why everypony is acting like this.
Discord appears in the seat next to Fluttershy, and looks around the room. He smirks when he sees you, for some reason. He looks at Fluttershy, and grins. “Are we still on for tea tonight?”
Fluttershy responds, “Of course. I wouldn’t miss it. Did you...”
You interrupt Fluttershy, and interrogate Discord, “What did you do this time? And where’s Applejack?”
Discord answers. “Why, I haven’t done anything at all? Most of the chaos in Equestria happens on its own. I’m reformed now, remember? And...” He takes out a snow globe of Sweet Apple Acres, and holds it against his eye, looking down at it. The room darkens dramatically. He states, “Applejack’s getting milk.” The snow globe vanishes, and the room lights back up.
You worry that Discord may have put Applejack in a horrifying fate that somehow involves dairy or dairy products, but you’ll find a way to rescue her, just as soon as you eat something for breakfast. You suppose you could come out of retirement; Discord won’t be the first villain to fail because they underestimated humanity and yourself.
Rainbow Dash yells at Discord, “Are birds real?“
Everypony except for Rainbow Dash rolls their eyes.
Discord frowns, sulks, and looks towards me, then says dramatically, “I’ve been trying to let everypony know that birds haven’t been real for millenia, but barely anypony ever believes me! Celestia has been…“
You interrupt Discord’s answer to continue questioning him. “And where’s the milk?”
The suspicious draconequus grins and snaps, and a tall glass suddenly appears his claw, along with a dark gray storm cloud, raining chocolate milk into the glass. He quickly drinks the solid glass as if it were a liquid. A baseball cap and uniform appear on him, and he hurls the solidified cylinder of chocolate milk out through the closed window as if he were throwing a fastball, breaking the window and scattering glass on the ground outside. He points at the window, then mockingly tells me, “Well, obviously, there’s milk outside!”
Apple Bloom glares at him and yells, “Discord, fix that right now!”
“Oh, fine.” Discord frowns and snaps, and replacing the broken transparent window with a stained-glass window depicting what is going on in this room right now, taking many artistic liberties. The window depicts you at the center of a long table with ponies and Discord all sitting down or standing behind the table. You think that Discord may have been imitating Leonardo da Vinci’s painting ‘The Last Supper’, which would be a bit ominous, but you only vaguely remember what that painting actually looked like.
Discord snaps his fingers again, transforms himself into a whole pickled cucumber with a face, standing upright on the table, then mockingly says, “Well, I’ve got food to be, and places to eat. I’m Pickle Discord! Ta-Ta!”, then disappears.
Even though he was your acquaintance, you’re still going to get everycreature to turn Discord into a statue and leave him next to Cozy Glow, Chrysalis, and Tirek for all eternity, once you have proof of what you think he has done to Applejack and everycreature else. But first, you’re hungry. Everypony else is eating their hay bacon and flower salad. You stare at your inedible food, wonder how Fluttershy doesn’t realize that most non-ponies can’t eat hay, and politely wait for everypony else to finish their breakfast.
You hear trumpets outside, in a dramatic royal entrance fanfare. This is something that you find to be unexpected, since Twilight usually reserves those for special occasions.
Spike and a group of royal guards open the door, unroll in a red carpet through the door, then leave. Princess Twilight Sparkle trots into the dining room in full regalia, with her assistant Owlowiscious perched on top of her back. The red carpet seems like overkill for a family breakfast, but you like it. Come to think of it, you’re a Prince, and you could even do those things yourself for your own amusement.
Rainbow Dash squints and looks at the owl.
Princess Twilight glances at the banana in front of you, and briefly makes a sympathetic, disgusted face, before returning to her dignified smile.
She walks up to the table, facing me and the rest of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony, and excitedly proclaims, “Good news, everypony! I invented a new spell that lets anycreature around me talk to anycreature, just like Fluttershy! I call it the Universal Translation Spell! Owlowiscious has told me so many surprising things. For example, he was fighting with Spike because had he a brief crush on Rarity, and I never even realized it. And he’s almost as smart as Scootaloo! Here, let me show you.” You see her horn glow purple as she casts a spell.
You find it pretty weird that at least two of her assistants had crushes on Rarity.
Scootaloo glares at Twilight, and objects, “I might not be as book smart as you or Sweetie Belle, Princess, but I’m street smart!”
Twilight responds with dignity, “Of course that’s what I meant. So is he.”
Apple Bloom states, “This could help our farm so much.“ She excitedly asks, “What’s your favorite type of peanut butter for a treat, Winona?”
The Apple family’s farmdog perks up and answers, “Rough!”
Apple Bloom turns to Rainbow Dash, then states, “I told you so. You owe me ten bits.”
Fluttershy softly comments, “Wow, it works. This is so exciting.”
Scootaloo turns to Owlowiscious and asks, “All right, you dumb bird. What was the name that ponies gave to the nomadic tribes in the plains of Ancient Middle Equestria?”
Owlowiscious rolls his eyes and confidently answered, “Hu.”
You’re skeptical that the spell worked. Everypony’s questions were way too easy, so you turn to ask Owlowiscious an open-ended question. “It’s nice to finally meet you. Tell me more about yourself. I’m Prince Anon, by the way.”
The owl flies over to the top of an empty chair and perches on it. He gives you a narrow gaze, looks you over, looks at Twilight’s face and back at you, pauses for a few seconds, then shrugs his wings and finally asks, “Who?”, before looking up at Twilight.
You’re offended that Twilight never told her second favorite assistant about your accomplishments or yourself, and turn to Twilight. She was your aunt, and is apparently your one of your moms now. “You never mentioned me?”
The ruler of all of Equestria regally gave you a sympathetic gaze. “Sorry, my little human. It just never came up.”
Scootaloo joins in, and asks, “What’s Anon doing with Princess Luna tonight?”
Owlowiscious shows off his feathers and dexterously dances on the ground, then states with brevity and conviction, “Woo.”
You can tell that Owlowiscious definitely isn’t as street smart as Twilight thinks he is; He’s making baseless assumptions about someone he never heard of. You object, “We’re just friends and partners for Super Smash Herds, Owlowiscious!”
Your apparent parents and aunts and the nearby birds chuckle. You’re not sure why Scootaloo is here; Didn’t somepony say that she had different aunts and parents? Did whatever is happening make Scootaloo forget about them?
You ask Princess Twilight Sparkle, “Did you notice anything strange lately, or try to use any new magics lately, other than your Universal Translation spell?”
With a warm gaze, she responds. “Don’t worry about it. Everything’s fine, and I’ve only used the Universal Translation spell.”
So even Twilight doesn’t realize what’s happening. You take a moment to plan, and ignore everypony. Your top priority right now is to finish your royal breakfast, so that you have the energy to investigate and fix whatever happened to everypony. But what sort of dignified breakfast can you eat without milk and dairy products? Just think of what the tabloids would say about you if somecreature took photos. A Prince like yourself couldn’t be seen eating dry cereal, like some sort of draft animal. And royalty wouldn’t stoop to having cereal with water; Ponies would think that you were poor. Maybe you could get some fresh apples, and eat them with a knife and fork? Or maybe somepony could bake some cookies or a pie or some apple cobbler. Maybe you should just go out to eat?
You hear a door open and slam against the wall, distracting you from your thoughts. Applejack’s carrying a milk crate full of large jugs of fresh cow’s milk on her back, on top of her saddlebags, and you’re relieved to see her and the milk. The mare’s smiling brilliantly, as if it were the best day of her life. She sets the crate on the counter. Then, she carefully takes a small piece of paper with matching golden coin symbols scratched out from under a wax coating out of her saddlebags, proudly holds it up, and excitedly yells, “Ye-Haw! Ah won, everypony! Ah won the Canter-lottery!”
Rainbow Dash nuzzles Applejack’s neck, cries, and gushes, “That’s great news! And I missed you!”
You’re surprised. Applejack really was getting milk and getting Canter-lottery tickets, but there’s a tiny chance that this is one of Discord’s illusions or a changeling. You think that the mare is probably Applejack, though, because she sounds and acts just like that country mare. You’re overjoyed by the restoration of your new family and replenishment of your dairy supplies. Furthermore, you can finally have your favorite cereal in the manner to which you have become accustomed. You’re already a financially independent and moderately wealthy Prince, though, so you’re not obsessed with the money.
But what happened to everycreature? Why are these six mares your parents now? And why do they think you’re dating Luna? You’re just friends! Think, Anon, Think! It could be changelings, Discord, or something messing around with everypony and their magic again, or maybe even an ancient threat that has returned. Even if everypony else thought that Twilight’s spell worked, you think that it probably failed. Maybe there’s an ancient prophecy about whatever’s going on. You think that’s possible; Weird things like this usually happen at important dates, and today’s the start of a month.
You believe that the six ponies might turn out to be better adoptive parents than Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadance were, but it’s still your duty to help them, for the sake of everycreature in Equestria.
But first, you get up to grab some milk, so that you can finally eat breakfast.
Applejack interrupts you, grins menacingly and points her right foreleg at you, and proclaims “And we’ve got something real important to tell you, son.”
Oh, no! Are the Elements of Harmony going to start fighting just because of a winning lottery ticket? How much money was this week’s Canter-lottery’s prize pool, anyway?
Everypony looks at you, leans towards you and smirks, then exclaims, “April Fools!”, before bursting into laughter.
Rainbow Dash looks at you with a grin, and laughs. She catches her breath, and exclaims, “I finally got you back for tricking me into thinking that birds weren’t real.”
Author's Note
This has been a story about April Fools’ Day, published on the first day of April (in my time zone). This story included hints about pranks and the day of the year. Please spoiler any mention of that custom or day in the comments.
Random joke references are found in this Fimfiction blog link.
