Fat Albert, Super Jerk, and the Goblin Tower

by DeathRiseRobo

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Discord, Crossover, Human, Main 6
Length: 2914

After Pinkie Pie refuses to return The History Of Cakes to Twilight, she inadvertently dooms all bea

**Notice: This story is INTENTIONALLY random. It is not a trollfic, nor a meta. If you have any random ideas for it, feel free to share them.**
After Pinkie Pie refuses to return The History Of Cakes to Twilight, she inadvertently dooms all bearers of the Elements Of Harmony by jumping into the first thing she sees: a blue portal. Almost instantly, they pop up all over Equestria, and almost everyone jumps in them. This story's not only about the ponies who jump in them, but about what happened when they were inside; too interesting to pass up.

Published 2012-11-07 03:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-11 00:31:06 UTC

Into The Portal...

***A/N: Well, this is officially going to be the weirdest story I've ever written. It's halfly based in real life, and the other half ponies, with crossovers into 40 other series(es). I wonder how it's going to turn out.**

"SPIKE! HAVE YOU SEEN MY BOOK ON THE HISTORY OF CAKES?" Twilight yelled, trotting down her library's set of wooden stairs. The book's check-in date was today, and Twilight couldn't miss that, or else she'd get an earful from her panic side. Twilight didn't have to worry about the money side of all that; she lived on goverment stipends, for gods sakes. She hurriedly scoured all the shelves in the library, only to have a sudden remembrance of where it was.

"D'oh. It's with Pinkie."
````````

"PINKIE! WHERE ARE YOU?" Twilight cried. She had arrived at Sugarcube Corner just moments ago, only to find a desolate shop. But Twilight didn't give up. She needed that book, or else the voice in her panic side might speak again. Twilight headed up the stairs to Pinkie's pink door, and knocked.
"Pinkie, you better come out now," Twilight growled.
A big, round eyeball popped out of Pinkie's doorframe.
"Oh, h-hi, Twilight," said Pinkie nervously.
Twilight eyed her suspiciously.
"Pinkie, I've come here to collect your book. Are you feeling alright?"
At the mention of book, the pink baker's eyeball popped right out of the frame, and Twilight swore she could hear the Thundercats opening.
"Pinkie, are you ok?"
Dead silence.
"Um... Pinkie?"
Another dead as night silence.

This is crazy, Twilight thought. I'm going in.
First, she tried the classic Daring Do approach: breaking down the door.
Oh, this is going to be so fun, Twilight thought, delivering a weak kick to the bottom of the door. Daring Do said from her first-person perspective that this was as easy as pie-
CRACK

On second thought, this is a Pinkie pie.

After Twilight got out of the fetal position of sucking her hoof, she tried to think logically here.
What would Pinkie Pie do to hide a secret? she thought, and then was struck with her own hoof in the face.
Absolutely nothing.

Twilight turned the doorknob with a whir of her magic, and took a peek inside Pinkie's room, only to find white space.
Sure, you could see the stains where she had eaten candy, or where there was a stain from endless partying, alcohol, and cake, but there was nothing in her room. Except, of course, for the giant blue portal and the note right next to it.
Twilight decided to go for the note first, and in the usual Pinkie Pie scrawl, it read out like this:

Dear Twilight,

oh hi twilight ill be in the portal if you need me. i dropped the book in the portal. its not mine this time. took all my belongings with me. grab my halberd from the banister and bring cake.

Your Friend,

Pinkie (Diane) Pie

Twilight sighed yet again. Well, at least she got mine and her names properly written, thought the grammar nazi. Knowing better then to question her, Twilight grabbed the halberd with her mouth and stuffed a cake in her saddlebags.
Boy, would she need it.

``````
LEVEL 1: EASY AS BUCK

Fred leaped from the couch, ever-happy.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH! Guess who just got pwned in dis awesome game, dude! YOU!"
"Argh, this is the fifth time..." Roy mumbled.

*cue morgan freeman's narration*

"Hi, ya'll, I'm Morgan Freeman, and I'm here to tell you that it's not good to brag to your friends. You could make them angry, or worse!"

A old-timey diner glass window separated Twilight from this horrid scene, and she looked on in confusion. Morgan Freeman's voice had the sound of crystalline through the glass, making him sound jumbled and *gasp!* sarcastic.

"Well... that was random. Where am I? What are those things? And why do I feel deja vu?"
She looked up to see an orange portal, swirling in place.
"Wait... didn't I come from a blue one?"

LEVEL 4: PINKIE PIE STYLE
Meanwhile, in Pinkie Pie's verse, only 3 levels away from Twilight...

The evil forces clawed at Pinkie's ammunition, and she managed to force them away for just a bit longer, separating them from her stuff.
"ARGH! Where's Twilight? There's no end to the grunts! And Master Chief's down!" Pinkie yelled.
Her bullets ripped apart the head of a grunt, splaying his guts for the world to see, and she advanced onto its remains.
"WHERE'S THE AIR DROP?!?!"
Obviously angered, Pinkie curiously found a golf club laying on the ground. And it was a Halo edition as well.
Strangely grinning, Pinkie grasped it with her hooves and cackled.

Back to Twilight's verse.

Twilight had finally gotten past the retro glass, and was now entering a thin, blue, liquidized mirror.
What is this stuff? she thought.
An eerie, liquiding sensation crossed over Twilight as she passed through the mirror, blurring her sense of vision and other senses. Fearing for the worst, Twilight grabbed onto her halberd's shank and held it in her mouth. But much to her disdain, all she saw were barrels. Mountains and mountains of barrels. And no way up except hills.
She would have to jump.
"LEEEEEEERRRRRROOOOOYYYYYYY JENKINS!" Twilight yelled, and jumped over barrel after barrel, using her halberd whenever she got the strength to pick it up. Row after row, level after level, Twilight persevered as a gorilla blocked the exit and climbed higher and higher, beckoning Twilight to follow. When she finally got to the top, instead of a giant gorilla, there was a door.

Exhausted, Twilight fell asleep as she exited the mirror and passed into mushrooms. Specifically, the Mushroom Kingdom. What she didn't seem to notice was the ginormous gorilla resting on her backside. And smiling.

And now back to Equestria...

"Now, Angel Bunny, eat your carrot," Fluttershy chided as Angel pushed the carrot away yet again. Angel Bunny hasn't eaten for weeks, Fluttershy thought. This is for his own good. Angel's eyes widened as the icy Stare made its way into his poor eyes, and he quickly devoured the carrot.
"That's a good Angel. Yes, yes it is." Fluttershy chided. Dangit, lady. You're really getting on my nerves, Angel thought. I'm ditching this hellhole, and fast. And with that, Angel yelled, "HADOUKEN!" and jumped through the portal that sprouted from the ugly blue ball of fire.
"See ya later, lady," Angel- er, Ryu in a bunny costume, yelled back with a wave, and ducked his head and ginormous body inside the newly-created blue portal.
Fluttershy looked down the portal with intent beyond all equestrians and stared straight down the portal's center.
"Oh, Angel Bunny. What am I going to do with you?" Fluttershy sighed, and then jumped in herself into the portal, unknowingly awaiting the toll of the sounding bell.

And what Fluttershy didn't see was what made it interesting. A bright flash of light keelhauled her vision, and all her memories were swept up like donuts at a soccer game. Instead, they were replaced with years in the Granite Orphanage, with her and her sisters wanted as adopted daughters, a single name present in her mind, her own:
Jennifer.
10 rolls of the bell could be heard as the letters flashed upon the screen of the NES, and a golden tower lay on the right side of the screen.

C L O C K T O W E R

-Fin P1

Alright, everyone, it's voting time! Vote which Clock Tower Ending you want to see Fluttershy in. And if you don't know what Clock Tower is, look it up or else. In other news, I need all the randomness I can get! I'll take anything!

Meanwhile...

20 minutes after Fluttershy's disappearance...

BREAKING NEWS!-BREAKING NEWS!-BREAKING NEWS
News Flash promptly dropped his notes just before the camera started rolling, and looked up.
"This just in! Portals have been popping up all over Equestria, and since we're all dimwits, we all jumped in them, reducing Equestria's population to 2 stallions! That's right, me and the cameraman! Unlike the other ponies, I have an iron will-OOH, LOOK! A PORTAL!" News Flash and Camera Bag jumped inside the portal, reducing Equestria's population to 0, allowing all ponies to fester in my shenanigans.v *cue evil laugh*

A/N: This just in! Submit an idea for anypony and get it in here! Also, please be sure to give suggestions for future expansions!

Today's Date Is Obscured With Muffins

Discord twiddled his little draconequus thumbs as his master plan came into play; the whole of Equestria stuck inside his pretty little portals; and no, no; Discord was no cheapskate. There was a special reality made for everypony, specially made for the utmost chaos possible, and they were delightfully endless!
"Looks like we're in for a delightful storm of chaos," chucked Discord.
But from his screen, he could find only one pony who wasn't reacting like they were supposed to. Discord frowned at the notion, for this reality was the one he put the most work into, and apparently, Ditzy Doo wasn't reacting like she was supposed to.
Discord downed his army hat and shouted, "I'm going in!" then disappeared in a flash of smoke.

=SOMETHINGRANDOM=

Ditzy Doo stared at her land of muffins. She was, after all, the queen of them all, and they would treat her as such, succulently jumping into her mouth. After all, a dream this all was, even in discorded reality. Ditzy felt a slight pop to her thoughts as she woke up, startled, and stared at the perfect Ponyville. Nothing was wrong in her mind. After all, she recognized her faults already. There were no more for Discord to make.

"Not fun," sulked Discord. "Not fun."
Suddenly, he was struck with the most brilliant of ideas, and a lightbulb smashed itself on his head, rendering a thought. He dashed out of the frame to reveal a muffin on a platter, and lightly tapped Ditzy on the shoulder, getting on his politician face and full set of medieval armor. Ditzy turned around to see the perfect golden muffin, laced with blueberries and set gracefully on a velvet platter for consumption.

Ditzy stared at the piece of work, her eyes bulging out of her head, mouth salivating.
"Take it, my queen," Discord kneeled in his renaissance knight outfit.

Instead of taking it, however, Ditzy became enveloped in a black, steaming aura, sizzling Discord's many pairs of sunglasses right off his face. Her face became solemn, eyes in the natural pose of cross-eyed forgiveness, and body in a holy aura as she smiled.

"Ditzy? Holy crap," Discord mumbled, his face a pale white.

Ditzy's eyes flashed with the true, pure fires of hell as she confronted Discord head on, the knowledge of a thousand nations reflected in sorrow.

"The world is in deep change. A new world order has been set forward. As we welcome these changes, I heard you, the people of the world, cry out: “Will there be muffins?”. The answer is no. There will be no muffins in the new world order. The illuminati said so. Meditate. And repent."

Discord stood still, his body becoming pure stone from the iciness of her gaze, the pure knowledge and wisdom, so did not falter in moving.

Ditzy, however, walked along the path to an unperturbed Ponyville, and resumed her derp-eyed state as she smiled.

"Though the world order is coming, it is not here yet. I will endulge myself with a muffin."

-Fin P2

**A/N: I've only got 3 suggestions thus far. PLEASE send more and favorite and stuff. Also, I'll take 400-word prompts for ponies who have not been done yet. From now on, ponies are 1 per chapter. If it happens once, a pony will never appear again (excluding mane 6. actual plot there.).**

Lyra Went Down To Georgia

Lyra stared at the humans as they mocked her, pointing and flipping the bird. And she was pissed. No; where she was right now was the discorded reality she dreamed of, but it seemed that everyone had hands but her. Her dream was to be the only one with hands; to show all of them that hu-mans were real. But ever since Discord got trapped in Ditzy's reality, he couldn't undo all of the portals as they closed up behind all of the ponies.

"SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!" Lyra screamed, already in fetal position.

"Why, because we're the superior species," the mob of Humans chorused, "with OPPOSABLE THUMBS?"

"AAGH!" shouted Lyra, tears streaming down her face.
Make it stop, thought Lyra. MAKE IT STOP!

Her thoughts switched to her hometown; how everyone believed in Humans over there. Oh, what she would give to be there now. Discord's spell transferred her to Marega, her hometown, to give her a little contest with his buddy, the devil.

=RANDOMSOMETHING=

The devil went down to Marega, he was looking for a soul to steal. He was in a bind 'cos he was way behind and he was willin' to make a deal. When he came across this young mare lyrin' on a harp and playin' it hot. And the devil jumped upon a hickory stump and said:
"Girl, let me tell you what: I guess you didn't know it, but I'm a lyre player too. And if you'd care to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you."

Lyra sighed and turned off the gramophone.

"Devil, that's way too cliche. Everyone's going to expect that. No way am I doing something everyone will expect," Lyra sighed.

The devil popped out of his girly singing voice, slightly irritated things weren't going the way he planned.
"Come on. I need your soul, or Margaret's going to have a fit with me tonight," chirped the devil.
Lyra sighed.
"Devil, my life's existence revolves around the existence of HANDS. If I don't have HANDS, I don't have a life. Now if you would excuse me, I have some poking at the ground to do," sighed Lyra.
And the devil was struck with an idea, right then and there.
"How about I give you hands- OOOOOMMPH!" yelled the devil as a tackle slapped him to the ground.
"HANDS? HANDS? GIVE ME. NOW!" screamed Lyra, choking the keeper of death to... well, death.
"Alright, but you have to beat me in a kart race," chimed the devil.

=RANDOM CRAP=

"I'M LYRA!" shouted Lyra as she used her DS to navigate through her possible cars.
"NO, I'M LYRA!" yelled the devil. "SHE'S THE BEST PONY!"
"I AM LYRA!" yelled Lyra.

In a fast and furious race of hands versus hooves on the A button, the devil got his way and got Lyra Heartstrings as his racer. Lyra mentally checked it off as another reason she needed hands, as she got stuck with being the devil on her little LCD screen.

The devil's the worst, thought Lyra.

And through the chaotic magic running her nightmare, the two beings swarped through the LCD screen of the DS and onto the race track of PonCom vs. Nintendo Racers, eyes darting to the finish line.

=RANDOM STUFF=

Toad was a tad older then you'd normally expect; after all, it had been 50 years since the last mario game once PonCom stole the franchise. In that time frame, Toad had grown a mustache. A really long mustache. It was so thick, actually, that it was the race track today, and the bumps and snumps of the track were lice in his long, hairy mustache. Ew.

Today's track had a catch, though; due to the extensive pain for Toad if you went around it more then once, you only needed one lap to win, but you had to go all the way around.

NICE TRY, MORGAN FREEMAN!

"AWW!"

=RANDOM LUNA REFERENCE=

LYRA

The Levil stared down Lyra as he flexed his newly-grown hooves, with the ends of fingers tapped into them. He and Lyra had become meshes of each other, but due to the prize at stake here, DeviL still had hooves.

"DON'T MESS UP! THAT'S MY BODY YOU GOT THERE!" hollered the Levil.

3

VERSUS

2

DEVIL

"Oh, come on!" yelled DeviL as she peered at the newly-grown fingers on her mint-green hooves.

"I WANT MY BODY BACK!"

1

GO!

-Fin P4

**A/N: PLEASE SEND SUGGESTIONS! I'M RUNNING LOW HERE! ONLY 1 IDEA UNTIL I HAVE TO CONTINUE WITH THE PLOT LINE AND END IT! [Wisher: AWW! I won't be a prereader anymore!] PLEASE SEND MORE!

The End

A drop of sweat ran down DeathRiseRobo's face.

I've put in too much plot development, they thought. Time to wingit!

The story rumbled, and the most drastic change possible happened:
Twilight grew wings.

And the last words the story thought were:

WHAT THE FU-

Author's Note

Twilight gasped for breath. Flying really is hard, she thought. Using the last vestige of her strength, she looked around. It was pitch black; the only pony there was Pinkie, twiddling her thumbs in a most un-Pinkie-like manner. Sitting next to her was Morgan Freeman with a sign saying, "Get Me Out Of Hell!" Thinking it strange, Twilight wobbled over to her, off-put by the new balance on her chest.
Stupid, curly wings... she thought.
Pinkie turned to Twilight.
"Nice wings, princess," Pinkie whispered.
Twilight rolled her eyes. "What's wrong, Pinkie?"
"The notes," Pinkie mumbled.
"What?"
"Twilight, we're stuck in the Author's Notes."