DON'T WRITE TO PRINCESS CELESTIA AT 3 AM (GONE WRONG!)

by 6-D Pegasus

Rating: everyone
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2808

The Cutie Mark Crusaders test the urban legend of writing to Princess Celestia at 3am. Nothing goes wrong.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders test the urban legend of writing to Princess Celestia at 3am. Everything goes wrong.

May you find many wonderfully atrocious grammar errors, if there are any o.o.

Published 2024-04-02 02:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-04-02 02:10:00 UTC

YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT!

"Pssssst. Hey, Scootaloo, are you sure this is going to work? I mean, we don't even know what this is supposed to do!"

"Shhh, keep it down, Sweetie Belle! Are you trying to get us caught?"

"But there's nothing wrong with sneaking around town at two in the morning."

"Well, yeah, but what if our sisters catch us? They know we have tests tomorrow, we could get grounded for a whole week if they know this is what we're doing instead of sleeping on a big school night!"

"Scootaloo, Rainbow doesn't even have the ability to ground you!"

"She could still say no more Wonderbolts scooter practice with her for a week!"

"Yeah, because that's sooooo much worse than when Rarity has me do nothing but chores for the whole day."

"That's not as bad as-"

"GIRLS!" Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo winced at the outburst from their third party member, who had been lagging behind them throughout the whole walk. "If you two don't quit yer yappin', the whole dang town's gonna be wide awake!"

"Sorry, Apple Bloom."

"Yeah, sorry."

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes in annoyance. She opened her mouth to let out an exasperated sigh, but a long yawn snuck its way out instead. She tiredly rubbed her eyes with a hoof and glared at her compatriots. "And why are we headin' towards the library anyway? Didn't Diamond Tiara say that whole thing with writin' a letter at three in the morning was if you're writing to Miss Cheerilee?"

"Uhuh!" Scootaloo nodded fervently. "Something about how it can go horribly wrong and awful things might happen!"

"No, I mean why are we going to the library and not to the school house? Or to wherever Miss Cheerilee lives?" Apple Bloom paused and put a hoof to her chin. "Actually, ah don't think any of us know where she lives."

Scootaloo offered nothing but a cheeky grin in response. "Oh, we aren't writing to Miss Cheerilee. We're writing to somepony much, much bigger."

"But she said you had to write to Miss Cheerilee!"

"No no no." Sweetie Belle chimed in. "You had to ask her for help on a math question while we were talking, so you missed the second half. Scoots asked if this whole thing is about writing to Miss Cheerilee, how would ponies in other cities know this story. Apparently, you just have to write to someone 'in charge' for it to work. So-"

"So if we're writing to someone in charge, I thought, hey! Why not try writing to the pony at the very very very top of being in charge?!" Scootaloo barged in front of Sweetie and somehow managed to stave off the death glare Sweetie was leveling at her. "That means we're writing to Princess Celestia!"

"Wha- but she never even told us exactly what that would do!" Apple Bloom huffed. "Other than to 'never ever do it if you value your life'. That don't really sound like our Princess to do something awful to somepony just for sending her a letter at night. For all we know, she could be pullin' a fast one on us just so we'd waste our night on this and flunk our tests since we'll be all tired and stuff!"

"Apple Bloom!" Sweetie Belle gasped in shock. "She wouldn't!"

Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow. "Ah, yes, ah forgot that she totally has never done that exact thing to us before the last time we- ow!" She tumbled to the floor as she bumped into Scootaloo, who had stopped right in front of her.

"We're here, girls!"

Scootaloo pointed up towards the familiar tree library looming above them, the cold glow of Luna's moon casting ominous shadows across its features.

Sweetie Belle lifted a rock in her magic, shifting it around to feel its weight, then chucked it hard towards one of the windows near the top of the library. It arced far to the right and smashed into Twilight's telescope on the library balcony. Apple Bloom practically fell over in disbelief. "Sweetie, what are you doing?!"

"Darn, a little more to the left. What does it look like I'm doing, I'm trying to hit the window with this ro-"

"I meant why."

"Oh." Another throw, another far miss, this time too much to the left. "We need to wake up Spike!"

"Why do we need to- ohhhh. I get ya now."

Finally, the universe followed through with its 'third time the charm' expression as Sweetie's third rock hit its target dead center and smashed straight through, shattering the window into a million pieces. The three fillies cringed at each and every fragment of glass hitting the library floor. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom glared at Sweetie Belle.

"What?! If that window could break from just one small rock, it was probably going to shatter by itself at some point anyways and needed to be replaced."

"You girls are real lucky Twilight's a heavy sleeper." The trio glanced up to see Spike peeking down at them through the now broken window. His eyes shifted to a dangerously sharp piece of glass still sticking out in the window frame, and he casually flicked it away, sending it to the dirt below. "To be honest, this window was probably going to shatter by itself at some point, so I guess it needed to be replaced anyway."

Sweetie Belle smirked. Apple Bloom whacked her across the back of her head.

"So, girls, you got the stuff?"

Sweetie Belle stuck her tongue at Apple Bloom, then turned to Spike and nodded. She pulled out a glistening purple shard of amethyst crystal from her mane and floated it over to Spike in her magic. "One delectably large crystal, as requested!"

Spike turned the shard in his claws, inspecting it from every angle. "Hey, didn't I find, like, a whole cart of these for Rarity last week when we went gem-hunting?"

"And how many of those did she let you keep?"

"...fair enough." After giving it one final look over, Spike nodded in satisfaction and tossed the gemstone into his mouth, chewing it loudly and slowly. "Ahhh, amethyst. Can't beat the classics."

Scootaloo cleared her throat. Then cleared it again louder than Spike's chewing noises.

Finally, Spike swallowed and faced back towards the fillies. "Alright, you got the letter?"

Scootaloo froze. "Letter?"

"Yeah, you know. The one you wanted to send to Princess Celestia?"

Scootaloo grinned sheepishly. "Yep! Just give me a second!" She ushered Sweetie and Scootaloo into a circle and lowered her voice to barely a whisper. "I forgot to bring a letter!"

Sweetie Belle smacked her face with a hoof. "Me too! Rarity's Boutique isn't too far from here, I should be able to gallop there and grab some parchment and ink!"

Scootaloo turned to glance at Spike, who just raised an eyebrow at them. "You think we could ask him to borrow some?"

"I only paid for his letter service, not for borrowing supplies! And how are we gonna borrow parchment and ink? It's not like we'll be returning it once its sent!"

Apple Bloom blinked. "Actually, I think I got some parchment on me."

Scootaloo whipped her head to her. "Wha- where?!"

Apple Bloom carefully removed her bow and unfolded it, revealing a single piece of parchment inside, which she took and gave to Scootaloo.

"Why do you just have this in your bow?"

Apple Bloom shrugged. "I dunno, it just seemed convenient."

Sweetie Belle gasped. "And look!" She pointed a hoof towards the ground under the broken window, where an shattered ink bottle sat spilling its contents into the earth. "This must have been leaning against the window when we broke it!"

"When you broke it."

"Uhuh, whatever Scoots. Point is, we got our parchment and ink now!"

Scootaloo stamped a hoof in frustration. "But we still don't have a quill! We can't write a letter with just parchment and ink, unless we dip our hoof in it and write it super huge!"

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom stared at Scootaloo.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

One wrestle and one orange quill later...

"Alright...huff...we got the letter, Spike."

Spike tossed his popcorn from where he had set up a lawn chair just outside the library door and ran over to snatch the parchment from Sweetie Belle. He unfurled it and scanned it briefly before cocking his head.

"This just says 'Dear Princess Celestia' on it."

Apple Bloom limped over from where Scootaloo was twitching on the ground. "Is that... enough... for a letter?"

Spike rolled his eyes. "I mean, I guess so. You sure this is what you want to send her? There's no going back after this."

Scootaloo gave a metaphorical thumbs up with her foreleg, not bothering to lift her face up from the dirt. Sweetie Belle waved her hooves frantically. "Wait! What time is it right now?!"

Spike leaned back and glanced into the library, seeking out the clock that always hung from its walls. "Hmmm, seems to be about a minute until 3:00 AM."

"Send it right at 3!"

Spike glanced between all three fillies awkwardly. "Ohh? Oooookay." The three of them stood around for a whole minute, glancing at everything from the dirt floor to some of the neighboring buildings to Scootaloo's twitching form on the floor to the open door of the library.

"Alright, it's just about 3:00 AM now, here goes." Spike rolled the parchment into a scroll, then lifted it up in the air and breathed a steady stream of sparkly, green flame at it. The scroll dissolved into glistening smoke that quickly trailed into the sky and towards Canterlot. He clapped his claws together and wiped some imaginary dust off his shoulders. "There you go! One letter, off to Princess Celestia, at 3:00 AM on the dot for some reason. Anyway, I really need to catch up on my sleep." He leaned a little closer to the fillies. "And by sleep, I mean the next Power Ponies comic."

Scootaloo slowly crawled her way to her friends as Spike ran back into the library. "Did we do it?"

Sweetie Belle nodded. "Yup." She pointed a hoof to where Canterlot lied in the far distance, high atop the mountains. "Celestia should be getting our letter any minute now."

"What did it cost?"

"You know how much it cost, you were the one who told me to nab one of Rarity's gems, remember?"

"Oh... I forgor."

"Apple Bloom, I think you smacked her a little too hard back there."

"What?!" Apple Bloom scuffed. "You said to get the fea-"

BOOM!

A powerful shockwave from above sent the three fillies tumbling through the dirt over each other. They frantically untangled themselves from each other and shielded their eyes as a blinding, white light shone from the skies down at them, slowly descending closer and closer. Scootaloo shook her head rapidly to clear the stars from her sight. "Wha- girls?! What's going on?!"

"I don't know!" Apple Bloom scrambled to put her signature bow back into her mane. "We sent the letter! Maybe Princess Celestia got mad and-"

"THERE IS NO PRINCESS CELESTIA."

They could hear the sheer power behind the voice in every bone in their body. Fearfully, they huddled together into as tight a ball as they could muster and cowered away as the orb of pulsing light continued to approach.

"I AM THE LIGHT. I AM THE SUN. I AM WHO THE MONSTERS OF THE DARK RUN AND HIDE FROM UNDER THEIR BLANKETS."

The ground beneath them began to rumble. Cracks were beginning to emerge throughout the earth around them.

"I HATH EXISTED SINCE BEFORE THE BEGINNING AND WILL REMAIN LONG AFTER THE END. THERE IS NONE WHO HATH HEARD MY NAME, NONE WHO HATH SEEN MY TRUE FORM, NONE WHO HATH GRACED A HOOF AGAINST MY BODY THAT HATH SURVIVED WITH THEIR MINDS INTACT. WHO DARETH INTERRUPT MY ETERNAL SLUMBER?"

The three fillies continued to tremble in silence.

"WELL?!"

Cautiously, Apple Bloom separated herself from her friends, much to their protest, and raised her head to face the light, all while keeping a hoof to cover her eyes. "I- I'm Apple Bloom. And this here is Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo." The two named fillies slowly joined Apple Bloom's sides and offered a timid wave.

"I SEE. SISTERS OF THE ELEMENTS." At this, Scootaloo practically beamed. "AND FOR WHAT PURPOSE HATH I BEEN SUMMONED BEFORE THEE?!"

Scootaloo cleared her throat. "We- well, we thought, um..." She glanced towards Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle questionably, who immediately understood and nodded. "We thought you might be able to help us get our cutie marks."

"YOUR CUTIE MARKS, YOU SAY?!"

Scootaloo winced as the voice echoed all around her. "Ye- yes?"

"I SEE. HOWEVER, WHY ARE ARE SEEKING YOUR CUTIE MARKS WHEN YOU SHOULD BE ASLEEP FOR YOUR TEST?!"

All three fillies' eyes widened. "Wha-"

"IF YOUR FUTURE IS OF SO LITTLE IMPORTANCE TO YOU, PERHAPS I SHOULD DESTROY YOU INSTEAD."

The light pulsed even brighter than before. The three crusaders turned and bolted as fast as they could away from the light, shrieking in high-pitched terror as each of them galloped straight for their safety of their respective homes and dove under the covers, praying for Princess Luna to protect them.

Slowly, the orb of light descended further until it reached the ground, where it gradually dimmed to reveal the regal form of one Princess Celestia, who was in the not-so-regal position of buckling in laughter.

"Ohhhhhh, it's been ages since I've pulled one as grand as that!"

Cautiously, a shivering Spike peeked his head from behind the library door. "Wowie, princess. When you told me you had something planned for those three, I didn't think it was going to be that, um... terrifying."

"Aw, apologies Spike, I didn't mean for that to scare you as well." Celestia gave a heartfelt chuckle and leaned down, gently brushing a hoof through Spike's spines. "When I got your letter about wanting to prank those three fillies after they talked to you about writing me in the dead of night, I guess a spark of myself as a filly jumped to the front with that idea. Maybe it was a little extreme."

"Yeah, I'll say." Spike glanced around at all the neighboring houses, noting that all their lights remained off despite the earlier spectacle. "Aren't you worried about waking up, well, all of Ponyville with that?"

"Oh, no need to worry about that, Spike." Celestia lit her horn, and a nearly imperceptible dim golden dome surrounding the area immediately in front of the library faded out of existence. "It's nothing a little bubble-of-silence spell can't handle." Her horn glowed a little brighter and the cracks in the ground sewed themselves shut. She turned towards the library, and the many pieces of shattered glass floated from the dirt and library floor back to the window frame, where they fused together as if the window had never been broken. "Good as new. You know, that window was probably going to shatter by itself at some point."

"So I've heard." Spike laughed as he rolled his eyes. "I'm pretty surprised those three forgot what day it is today. If anything, this might even keep them too scared to pull their own stunts tomorrow. I don't wanna spend the day drying all the library's books again like last year. Glad you enjoyed this, princess, but I gotta get some shut eye for tomorrow. I need as much sleep as I can to defend the library for when Rainbow tries to catch me and Twilight off guard again."

Celestia snorted mischievously and nodded. "I understand, Spike, thank you again for letting me join you on this. Hopefully, Luna's going to have some fun tonight explaining to some fillies why mysterious ancient glowing orbs of eldritch horrors aren't real. I know she'll get me back for that though. She always does."

Spike waved one last time as Celestia disappeared in a burst of golden magic, before turning around and rushing back through the library doors, where his face was promptly met with a delicious lemon meringue pie moving at high velocity.

As the pie slowly slid down his face, Rainbow Dash trotted out from behind a nearby bookshelf and patted Spike on the head.

"Oh, you thought you could even try to defend against my pranks?"

"Well, good luck."

Author's Note

IT'S APRIL FOOOLS!!
I wanted to speedwrite a shitpost but I got too invested in it, so it was between either publishing it early tomorrow or finishing it all the way through to the end tonight, but I couldn't miss the chance to have another fic on April 1st like last year, so here we are! qwdefrghnjhcngfrewdfgbhvcnhgfrefgbhmn