Somewhere Out There is the Mare That Will Suit You Just Right!
I’m going to the Brainy Unicorn College of Knowledge to get the degree that I need to become a high ranking officer of the royal guard. Students of other universities keep mocking us because of its name; Linguistic drift made its acronym B.U.C.K. double as an obscene word hundreds of years ago, and the E.E.A. refuses to change the name because it’s ’traditional’. Even with over a millennium of experiences, the Princesses can be really bad at naming things at times.
If I qualified, I would have rather have enrolled in our neighbouring rival university, Celestia’s University of Legendary Thaumaturgy. C.U.L.T. was way more prestigious, and keep thoroughly beating us, in hoofball tournaments, academics, and virtually every metric. And they had much better connections with Celestia.
Hundreds of other stallions, mares, alumni, and I formed the Student Union of Canterlot’s Collegiates to peacefully protest the awfulness of B.U.C.K.’s name, as well as a few other things’ names. After picketing, setting up posters, and an advertising campaign, the Union still hadn’t managed to change the university’s name or acronym, but we still had some small accomplishments, such as changing the school’s branding to feature the acronym less prominently.
My roommate, Zephyr Breeze, is going to the Nerdy Employment Education and Training community college, and he’s training to be a mane therapist. He constantly gets on my nerves; That pegasus slacks off on his chores, and constantly whines about failing a few of his courses, but I’ve never seen him study or practice. I hope that he graduates and gets a job, though. Too many ponies have joked that too many of the community college’s former students are Not in Education, Employment, or Training. And he won’t stop calling me bro and acting like we’re close for some reason, but thankfully he only does that when we’re alone.
Sometimes, I wish I could throw Zephyr off of the balcony, to get a minute of peace and quiet. When I get sick of him, I go out for a long walk in the woods, and throw logs as far as I can, imagining that it’s my roommate. I’ve gotten pretty good at it, but it isn’t a competitive sport. Obviously, though, I wouldn’t actually throw anypony like that.
For some reason, he’s carrying a file folder, and grinning. Maybe he’s actually studying for once.
Zephyr asked me, “Bestest bro, do you like chicks?“
What did he just say? I asked my weird roommate, “Why are you asking me about chicken hatchlings?“
“Don’t you know, bro! Chicks are hot flying ponies and other creatures! “
I have better things to do, like study. I can’t remember any of this new slang.
I frowned, then responded. “You know how it is. I might date the right earth pony or pegasus, but I’ll probably end up dating a unicorn. I don’t dislike wings, but my parents have expectations of me, and want grandchildren. Raising a unicorn foal is difficult for non-unicorns, especially when their magic goes out of control.“
Zephyr rebutted, “But wings are great! Like, you can cuddle up under your special somepony’s wings! And you can fly around with them like a total free spirit, and they can show you the world!“
Zephyr opened the file folder. I saw sheet music, and some scribbled in amendments. His ears perk up, he grins, and his wings rapidly unfurl with a thump.
Is he starting a heartsong again? He’s terrible at those. Whatever this is, it can’t be good.
I attempted to resist the heartsong, but we started to sing.
Hey, now wait a minute! Just because I don’t like wings now doesn’t mean I never want wings!
Ohh! You really might like wings. Really? ’Cause I’ve got so many wonderful ponies to tell you about! Oh, and I know you’ll just love them, bro! And they’ll love you! Oh, and you’ll be lovers forever and ever!
Now, Shining, my bro, I cannot express my delight.
It’s abundantly clear,
That somewhere out here,
Is the mare that will suit you just right.
I can’t wait to get started, but first let me set a few rules.
It’s of utmost importance,
The lover I get,
Is someone that’s loving and cool.
Loving, cool, got it!
You have so many wonderful options, just wait, you will see.
Faust save me. I can feel myself about to sing. I just can’t stop myself! Good thing that our apartment’s windows are closed.
I need someone as tough as light armor to keep up with me.
Sure! How ’bout a dragon?
They’re scaly and pointy and hot as can be.
Scaly? Pointy? Have you even met me?
Oh, no! We’re on Mane Street now. Why is a dragon even in Canterlot? She looks insulted. Celestia and Luna will be mad if they find out about this! I need to break out of this heartsong! Both of us will look back at this day with regrets if this keeps going on! I clenched my teeth, in an attempt to stop myself from singing.
Shining, have faith.
You see, I will bet you.
Somewhere out there is the mare that will get you.
Come on, the sky’s the limit!
Sky is fine. I’d like you to try.
Really? Because I think this mailpony has your name written all over her. Bro, she does. I think she likes you!
Pass.
Zephyr, you dumb-flank! Your heartsong made that grey mailmare cry! Nopony wants to be turned down out of nowhere, especially through a heartsong. We’re going to find her later, and apologize.
Are we heading for Canterlot Castle? I’m glad that it’s too far away to rerach.
I have so many wonderful choices for you to decide.
There are hippogriffs,
Playing guitar riffs.
Hippogriffs and riffs, won’t try.
Maybe not, but I’ve seen this cute hippogriff catch four juicy fish when she breaches the water!
That’s it. I’m outta here.
Thank Celestia! This song will end!
Wait! There must be a mare here,
That will give you children.
How ’bout a breezy, or some cute siren?
Cooler. And lovers.
Cooler, lovers. Right.
I’ve got just the mare for you Shining,
Meet your new fabulous marefriend, Gilda!
Why would I date a griffon, especially the one that insulted my sister and her friends? I’m not ok with this. Why can’t I stop singing?
She’s just a griffon.
Not just any griffon. The coolest griffon!
...Yeah. So, like I was saying...
Zephyr, buddy, this won’t cut it.
I need a mare to keep up with me.
Someone awesome, someone loving,
With defense mixed with sympathy!
I’m sensing you want a marefriend that can love.
Ya think?
I know plenty of wonderful ponies whose love you could try,
Like a cool Wonderbolt or a weatherpony pegasi.
Better, but kinder.
I see. How ’bout a guard, a doctor, or a princess?
There’s so many wonderful creatures the likes of that.
There are harpies and angels,
They are both quite regal,
Or perhaps what you want is a kind and cool aristocrat?
Dude. Nopony’s ever seen a harpy or an angel. They’re just myths.
More importantly, how did we get to Canterlot Castle so fast! Why are all these ponies and creatures and merchants and scientists even here? It’s like a circus! Why can’t I stop singing?
Now you’re talking! But instead of just one standout, now that’s too many.
So many choices, and such feathers aplenty.
Not a bad problem to have, if you ask me.
I look around, at titles such as “Can anycreature pull off a Sonic Rainboom?“ and “Flim Flam’s Wonderful Wing Balm.“ Oh, no. Today’s the annual Pegasi Etcetera Exhibition! And everypony’s staring right at me! I have to get out of here, now!
I’m going to stop this. Everypony knows that I’m not perfect, but in Faust’s name, I vow that if I have foals, I will discuss potential partners and my children’s preferences with them and listen to them like a reasonable adult instead of starting a heartsong to try to persuade them, like Zephyr just did. Everything about that was terrible! Zephyr’s looking at every creature, and the look in his eyes seems familiar, somehow.
I shoved my forehoof in Zephyr’s mouth to abruptly end the heartsong. Ew. My hoof’s warm, gross and slimy now. I yell, “Sorry! It’s all his fault! I tried to stop this!“ before trotting away, while shoving him into an empty room.
I close the door behind me, lock it, then yell at my roommate, “Stop! It’s obvious now! I should just ask out Princess Cadance out for dinner. I’ll take her out to The Prench Laundry in Canterlot. Now that I think about it, she might have actually been flirting with me when she kept complimenting me and giving me that weird look; I thought that she was just being polite!“ Disgusted, I pull my hoof out of my roommate’s mouth, then pick up a nearby towel and wipe it off. If it gets him to shut the hay up about wings and never mention it again, then I don’t care about how much that restaurant costs. I don’t even care that I’ll probably get turned down by royalty in favor of some prince. I’ll stallion up, and ask out Princess Cadance.
Zephyr politely ignored everything I did before that. His ears perked up, his wings unfurled again, and he continued. “Whoa, you’re going to ask out a princess? And at that super fancy and expensive Marelin Star restaurant? Horns and wings, and the Princess of Love! You the stallion!“
Surprisingly, Zephyr Breeze isn’t the worst roommate I’ve ever had. He goes to bed on time instead of playing party music late at night like some sort of vampire, and he’s supportive, but I can’t get him stop calling me bro.
I sighed, shook my head, and responded. “It’s just a dinner. I don’t know if she’ll even accept, or if she’ll even go out with me.“
Zephyr smirked and looked at me. “Yeah, right. No mare could resist you and your smile. But leave some mares for the rest of us, bro.“
Where does Zephyr Breeze get this confidence in me from?
I answered, “As if. One mare’s enough for me. More mares, more despair, as they say. But where did you even come up with those lyrics? Your heartsongs are normally much shorter, and have worse rhymes!“
Zephyr smirked, and answered. “I just made a few small modifications to the heartsongs that my sis sent me. Fluttershy’s pretty good at heartsongs.“
I shook my head. Wow, Fluttershy? Our sisters are actually friends; I wouldn’t have expected that. What was Fluttershy even singing about? Forget it. The love of all kinds of wings probably just runs in their family.
Now, to find a way out of the castle without showing my face to everypony. This room of the castle hangs over the side of a cliff. Zephyr’s too weak to carry me. I would really love a pair of strong wings right now; Celestia damn it, he’s getting to me. I’ll just hide in here until Night Court, when it’s less crowded. He can leave without me.
Author's Note
This was based on a joke in the sequel.
The song it was based on:
