Twilight Sparkle chewed nervously at the end of a quill, staring down at the parchment she was preparing to write on. She had it all set up. She had gotten the ‘product’ from Pinkie Pie. Apparently, the Cake’s had gone to Zecora seeking a medicine that would keep the bouncy pink pony more ‘level headed’. Twilight took that to mean ‘not bouncing off the walls constantly’.
But it was a strange herb that Twilight had never heard of. She had witnessed Pinkie Pie go from crazy to tame in just a few puffs, and after logging her observations on parchment, she had decided to try a small amount herself.
But actually going through with it was a completely different thing. It was mildly bothersome to her, to think that she would very soon be in the same state of mind as Pinkie Pie was. She had gone from bouncy and happy, to just... happy.
Twilight took another deep breath, steadying her nerves, reminding herself that this was purely scientific. She was logging her results carefully, to keep a record of the effects because, as far as she knew, there had never been a study conducted into the effects.
It was almost midnight. Twilight had chosen the time perfectly. Everypony would be asleep, so if she did anything silly, it would go unnoticed. Twilight waited until a minute before her grandfather clock would chime, to start the process happening. It was a very elegant process, burning the herb and then filtering the resultant smoke through a swirled tube of water, to remove impurities and keep ash from getting in the lungs.
As the grandfather clock began to chime, Twilight leaned in to inhale the vapours.
An acrid smell invaded the unicorn’s senses, and she wrinkled her nose hard, trying to finish inhaling before she began to cough and splutter, pulling back and making a face. Immediately, her eyes began to water and burn, and the world spun around her for several moments.
Immediately, Twilight pulled out her quill to begin recording notes.
The young unicorn stalked the night, her eyes puffy and red, her expression rather slack, with cookie crumbs visible on her chin. Her mission: cookies! Pinkie Pie had to have cookies!
A soft jingle rang throughout the deserted Sugar Cube corner as Twilight magicked the door open, sneaking inside, very proud of her skills in the art of stealth. In truth, the unicorn made quite a bit of noise, stumbling over to the display case, looking for cookies.
But Twilight became distracted partway there, her eyes widening as the glowing of her horn revealed the holy grail of all snack food: Cupcakes!
Individually frosted cupcakes stood underneath the glass, all neat and ordered, set into their rows. Some of them even had little faces made of sweets!
Twilight stared down at the lines of cupcakes, her eyes wide, mouth parted slightly, having to swallow once or twice as she drooled copiously. She leaned close to the display case, turning her head to the side and pricking an ear upwards, listening intently.
“Please Twilight, eat us!” the cupcakes said, their little voices comically high.
“Yes cupcakes, I’ll eat you!” Twilight assured, nodding earnestly down at the tasty treats.
The sound of movement down in Sugar Cube Corner woke Pinkie Pie up, and the violently pink pony rolled out of bed, picking up a lantern and making her way downstairs to make sure an animal hadn’t gotten in to eat the cakes again, as had happened just last month.
To her surprise however, her lamp revealed the huddled form of her unicorn friend Twilight, crouched over the display case, sobbing.
“Twilight?” Pinkie Pie asked, bewildered, stepping closer to the unicorn.
Twilight looked up at Pinkie Pie, her face streaked with tears and frosting, evidence of her cupcake genocide. The single survivor of her terrible reign was nestled close to the unicorn’s chest, held there firmly by a loving, tender hoof.
“I-I ate all his friends!” Twilight wailed, shaking her head in vain disbelief, trying her best not to look down at the display case, strewn with the blood (icing), and the severed limbs of the poor cupcake’s comrades. It was a morbid battleground, strewn with the evidence of Twilight’s terrible one-pony war waged on the cupcakes.
Bursting into fresh tears, Twilight sheltered the poor battered cupcake from the display case, comforting it. “D-don’t worry cupcake, it’s over, I promise! I won’t harm your kind any more! It’s over!”
Pinkie Pie just stared at Twilight, mouth parted in disbelief.
The door to Sugar Cube Corner opened again, and an irritable-looking Princess Luna stepped inside.
“Luna, thanks for coming!” Pinkie Pie breathed with a sigh of relief, shaking her head helplessly. “Please, can you do something? Twilight is about to declare war on the cakes!”
Luna gave a bewildered stare at the pink pony, before leaning to the side to peer past her, to where Twilight stood, with warpaint made of yellow cupcake frosting marking her cheeks and forehead. She had one hoof lifted, pointing at the display cases holding the cakes. “Yes Cupcake!” she declared, “We will claim the sovereignty of that side of the room for your people! So that you may repopulate the lands with your delicious brethren!”
“Is there something I need to know?” Luna asked suspiciously.
Pinkie Pie paused at that, obviously mulling the question over, before she cast a furtive glance left and right, and then leaned in to say quietly, “I... Uhm... Might have given her some... stuff that she wanted to try.”
“Stuff.” Luna spoke the word flatly, eyes narrowed at Pinkie Pie.
The pink earth pony flushed, hanging her head. “I didn’t think it would make her crazy!”
Luna pushed past Pinkie Pie, stepping between Twilight and the display cases holding the cakes as Twilight began her clumsy charge. The unicorn came up short, eyes widening, hooves scrabbling at the floor before she squeaked and leapt behind the empty cupcake case, taking cover.
“No cupcake! We can’t face Nightmare Moon! She’ll eat you alive!” the unicorn wailed.
The dark princess stepped over to the display case, peering over it, staring down at the huddled unicorn.
Twilight slowly looked upwards, her eyes widening. “No! No!” she squeaked, flailing a hoof at the princess. “I’ll not let you eat my cupcake! I will protect him with my life!”
Luna stared at Twilight flatly for several long moment, blinking slowly. “Twilight. Have you taken leave of your senses?”
“It’s a trick!” Twilight accused, poking Luna’s nose with her hoof. “You’re just trying to get me to let down my guard! And then... and then... you’ll eat him!”
Princess Luna snorted once, stalking over to the sink and filling a cup with water. Calmly, she stepped back over to the unicorn, and dumped the cup of water all over her.
Twilight gasped, her eyes widening as the cold water splashed over her, squeaking faintly and flailing her hoof at Luna again. “What was that for?!”
Luna stared down at the unicorn. “Come. We will return you to your home.”
It was an effort to get the unicorn home, leading her through the dark Ponyville streets.
“Luna... Luna... hey Luna!” Twilight said, from behind the dark princess, stumbling in her steps.
Luna looked back over her shoulder with a scowl, “Yes?”
Twilight giggled faintly, and then prodded Luna’s cutie mark. “If you mooned somepony... how many moons would there be?”
Luna just shook her head, ushering the unicorn into the library and upstairs, pushing her towards the bed.
The noise awoke Spike, who sleepily stared around.
“Wha? You got a cupcake for me?” he asked, picking up the lone survivor from Sugar Cube Corner. Before Twilight could even speak, the cupcake was gone.
Princess Luna huffed as she tried to get the distraught unicorn back into bed.
Twilight Sparkle’s notebook stood as testament to the events of that night.
12:01 Have inhaled the contents. Mild vertigo observed. Passed after a few seconds. Was unable to hold inhale.
12:05 Five minutes since inhalation, no ill effects noticeable.
12:10 Ten minutes since inhalation, still no effects noticed.
12:11 Have consumed every cookie I could find. Must get more.
1:35 Today, we have lost a soldier. We have lost a good friend and comrade. He survived the betrayal of the Unicorn Scourge, saw his way through the attack of Nightmare Moon, and even survived the Great Migration. But upon arrival at our new homelands, the ever fearless Cupcake Von FrostingFace met his untimely demise at the jaws of a ferocious dragon. Let us forever remember this day as the day we lost a true hero!
And at the end of the parchment was a single note, without a timestamp:
I will never smoke anything ever again.
Twilight Sparkle stood in front of her friends. Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy were all arranged around a delicate-looking instrument.
“So ah... tell us why we’re here again, Twilight?” Applejack asked uncertainly, looking at the bubbling liquid in the tubes.
“Science!” Twilight Sparkle responded with a grin. “I tried this on myself last night... but I became rather... distracted, and I didn’t manage to record my notes for posterity!”
“This is safe, right?” Rainbow Dash asked, prodding the tubes with her hoof.
Twilight scowled and steadied the tubes with her own hoof. “If you don’t touch it, it is!”
“I-I’m not sure if I wanna try any...” Fluttershy admitted.
“I have dresses to make,” Rarity complained. “There is a very prestigious party my clients wish to attend tomorrow!”
“C’mon girls, for science!” Twilight Sparkle said, with a bright gleam in her eyes.
Rainbow Dash sighed, and then set her jaw. “I’ll try anything once!”
Fluttershy whimpered softly, “o-okay... but just a little bit...”
Rarity stepped closer to the device, “I have things to do, let’s get this over with quickly!”
Applejack gave a firm nod, “Ya can count me in, sugar cube.”
Twilight Sparkle smiled, and then stepped forwards to start the process.
Once the dried product was done burning, the acrid-smelling vapour was processed through the water tubes to cool it, and remove the larger impurities, so that the four ponies didn’t get a lungful of ash. Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie both watched as the four girls inhaled, in turn, from the mouthpiece.
A collective coughing fit took all four of them, as their eyes watered and they all drew back from the table, snorting and tossing their heads.
“This smells positively horrid!” Rarity complained.
“I can taste it!” Rainbow Dash protested.
“I-it’s not so bad...” Fluttershy tried to reason.
Applejack remained silent for a moment, nose wrinkled, before she asked, “Hey, why aren’t ya and Pinkie Pie havin’ any?”
Twilight smiled and waved a hoof. “We’re the control group! We need at least two of us who are completely normal to record notes!”
“Well we took it!” Rainbow Dash declared, rubbing a hoof against her tongue for a moment, to try and get the taste off it. “What do we do now?”
“Go about your daily lives. Pinkie Pie and I will be around check on you all throughout the day,” Twilight said with a happy nod.
Rainbow Dash nodded, and then walked over towards the door, “I need to train for Wonderbolt tryouts anyhow!” she said, waving a hoof as she disappeared outside.
“And I must make these dresses!” Rarity said, as she quickly followed.
“I have to feed Angel. He gets ever so angry if he doesn’t get his meal on time,” Fluttershy said quietly.
“And ah have to go buck more trees. Big Mac’ll be mighty unhappy if he’s gotta buck the entire field himself,” Applejack admitted, moving towards the door.
“Just remember to have snacks on hoof!” Twilight called after them brightly. “For some reason, it makes you hungry!”
“It makes you hungry?” Fluttershy asked curiously, as Rarity and Applejack made their way out.
Pinkie Pie nodded earnestly. “The Cake’s lowered my dose after I started eating all the cakes I was baking.”
“Y-you wouldn’t happen to have any spare, would you?” Fluttershy asked softly.
Twilight bit her lower lip. “Whatever for?”
Fluttershy lowered her gaze. “Oh... nothing special...”
Twilight pursed her lips, and then offered a small sealed bag. “It’s not a lot... I was hoping Spike would participate in the study, but he refused, so I have some extra.”
Fluttershy perked up at that, taking the bag. “Thank you, Twilight!”
As Fluttershy left, Pinkie Pie gave a long stare at Twilight Sparkle. “I still think this is going to end badly, Twilight.”
“Oh stop being so gloomy, Pinkie,” Twilight said with a shake of her head. “After all, what’s the worst that could happen?”
Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie waited a good hour before they began their rounds, starting with Fluttershy.
The first jarring note was found in Fluttershy’s garden.
Angel was laying in the garden, on his back, a half-consumed giant bowl of carrots resting next to him. The little rabbit was staring at the clouds with a wide eyes, a goofy grin stretching his muzzle, forepaws stretching towards the sky as though he might be able to catch one of the clouds. His hindlegs were kicking at the air, as though the little rabbit were actually trying to hop. While flat on his back.
Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle exchanged glances.
Twilight knocked on the door, and there was a rustle of movement from behind it. The door opened, and a red-eyed Fluttershy poked her nose out.
“Hi Twilight! Hi Pinkie Pie!” Fluttershy squeaked, throwing the door open. “Come in! Come in!”
“Err... How do you feel?” Twilight asked, as she and Pinkie Pie accepted the offer of the open door and followed Fluttershy into her living room.
“I feel great!” Fluttershy said with a wide grin, as she flopped over onto the couch and stuffed her hoof into a bowl, coming up with a hoofful of its contents and stuffing it into her maw, chewing on it with audible crunching sounds.
Twilight stepped over closer to Fluttershy, looking down, a brow slowly raising. “Fluttershy... are you... eating bird seed?”
Fluttershy looked up Twilight with wide eyes, blinking once. “Bird seed?” she asked, licking her hoof. “These are M&M’s!”
Pinkie Pie shook her head slowly, and then pointed at the bird cage, where a large macaw was busily trying to crack the soft plastic shell of an M&M, before spitting it out onto the bottom of the cage when it discovered that there was no seed within.
Twilight just shook her head slowly. “Maybe you should come back to the library?”
Fluttershy perked up at that. “Oh? Books! I’ll read some books!” she said, as she reached for the bowl and picked it up, grabbing another hoofful of bird seed and chewing on it happily.
While Pinkie Pie took Fluttershy back to the library, Twilight Sparkle headed for Sweet Apple Acres, to see how Applejack was handling herself.
Applejack, however, was nowhere to be found. Twilight couldn’t find her in the barn, or even in the house. She wasn’t out in the apple orchard, as far as Twilight could see, so instead, she went to Big Mac to ask the earth pony where his sister was.
Big Mac was bucking a tree quite vigorously. Usually, it only took a single hard shove of a hoof to cause apples to come raining down, but today, Big Mac seemed to be having an exceptionally hard time of it.
The big red earth pony was sweating as he kicked at the tree. Again and again and again, his hooves pounded the thick trunk, causing the entire tree to shake, the leaves rustling. And yet, not apples fell.
The sound of muffled giggling reached Twilight’s ears, and she came up short, instead heading right, into some low-lying bushes.
Applejack was in the bushes, on her back, a hoof stuffed against her muzzle to muffle her giggling.
“Applejack?” Twilight asked, bewildered. “What’s going on?”
Applejack removed her hoof, and then stuffed it back against her mouth to try and stifle the loud laughter that immediately escaped. In between hearty, breathless peals of laughter, she began to explain. “Ahhaahhaaa... Ah... Ah... Ah glued em to-ahahaha!-glued em to the bucking tree!” before dissolving into helpless laughs again.
“You glued what?” Twilight asked, peeking her head up out of the bushes, staring as Big Mac began to buck the tree again, vigorously rocking the trunk with powerful slams of his hindlegs.
“Tha apples!” Applejack gasped breathlessly, laughing hard again. “Ah glued the apples to tha tree and he just keeps bucking and bucking and bucking and ahahaha!” the farm pony dissolved into fresh peals of laughter.
“C’mon Applejack, we need to get you out of here,” Twilight said, quickly moving over to the laughter-immobilised pony. “Before Big Mac finds out and murders you.”
With Fluttershy and Applejack safely ensconced in the library, and under the careful eye of Pinkie Pie, Twilight went to find Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow Dash was found in the field, riding a raincloud, her maniacal laughter echoing joyously.
“Rainbow Dash! What are you doing?!” Twilight called from the ground, up to the cloud where Rainbow Dash’s distinctive tail was visible.
“I’m having fun!” Rainbow Dash called, peering down over the edge of the cloud with a wide grin. “Oop! Wait a second!”
Twilight could only watch as Rainbow Dash rode the cloud towards a small cottage on the other side of the field, settling over an earth pony who was in the process of removing dry clothes from the washing line.
With a few quick bounces, Rainbow Dash caused a torrent of rain to pour down on the pony and the clothes, wetting them. The pony scowled and waved a hoof at the pegasus, shouting angrily.
Rainbow Dash sped away then, abandoning her empty cloud and ending up in the grass near Twilight, rolling about and giggling helplessly.
“You should have seen his face! Ahahaha! I kept dumping water on his clothes every time he went to bring them in!” the rainbow mare rolled about in the grass, thrashing and laughing.
Twilight was mortified.
“Rainbow Dash! You’re gonna get in so much trouble for this!” she hissed, picking the other mare up and nudging her hurriedly. “C’mon, we need to get you back with the others!”
Rainbow Dash huffed and then sighed, before a flyer hit her in the face. Snorting once, the mare tugged the piece of paper off her face, and stared down at it. Her eyes widened slowly, and she began to bounce in place.
Twilight Sparkle didn’t even have time to blink before Rainbow Dash was gone. The only indication of her direction was the rapidly-expanding rainbow halo that was the evidence of a sonic rainboom.
The unicorn picked up the flyer and sighed, shaking her head. The flyer stated ‘Donut sale on today!’
With Rainbow Dash gone to Celestia-only-knows-where, Twilight instead went to the Carousel Boutique, to find out if Rarity was destroying her day.
The bell on the door jingled as Twilight stepped inside, and she saw Rarity feverishly working, her head bent and horn glowing.
“Ah, Twilight! I simply must get more of this medicine you gave us this morning! I am working at twice the speed, and I am having the most wonderful ideas for dresses!” Rarity said with a happy smile, not even stopping in her work as she looked up.
Twilight gave a sigh of relief. “Oh thank goodness, you wouldn’t believe what the others-”
Twilight cut herself off as Rarity turned around to show her the dress, holding it out for inspection with a wide, happy grin.
The librarian’s expression slowly turned aghast, and she bounded over to the boxes arranged in front of Rarity, looking in horror at all of the dresses contained within.
“What, you don’t like them?” Rarity asked, frowning.
Twilight was speechless.
All of the dresses, every single one, were tie-dyed.
Twilight returned to the library, dragging a recalcitrant Rarity with her, only to find that her library was surrounded with what appeared to be a giant cage comprised entirely of glowing purple magic. A very unamused Princess Luna sat outside, glowering at the two mares.
Feeling distinctly like she was in trouble, Twilight minced her way over to the dark princess.
“Your friends escaped,” Luna stated flatly, eyes narrowed. “They broke into Sugar Cube Corner, and the Cake’s called the royal guard to attempt to get them out! We are not amused!”
“It’s my fault!” Twilight said quickly, her ears splaying backwards. “I’m conducting a study into the effects of this herb. But I realised I couldn’t do it to myself, so I enlisted my friends... You didn’t happen to catch Rainbow Dash, did you?”
“We found her at the donut stand. She was so stuffed as to be unable to fly away,” Luna said with a toss of her head.
Twilight gave a helpless laugh. “Well uhhh... I’ll go in here, and I’ll keep them contained, promise.”
Luna narrowed her eyes at the librarian, her expression suspicious.
“I trust that you will not allow them to escape again?” Luna asked flatly.
“I will try my best!” Twilight said with a sincere nod.
“Very well, then. But I will remain outside to ensure that no further shenanigans take place,” the princess said with a wave of her hoof.
“Thank you, Princess Luna,” Twilight said with a slight bow, pressing past her. The bars in front of the library door faded, and allowed them inside.
Within, the girls were all partying, giggling and dancing to a tune coming from the radio. Food was strewn around randomly, on the tables and chairs. Pinkie Pie was the exception to the dancing, standing to the side and staring at the dancing mares with a bored, annoyed expression.
Twilight made her way over to Pinkie Pie, while Rarity immediately joined in.
Pinkie Pie grumbled. “They’re all acting crazy.” she complained to the unicorn.
Twilight giggled helplessly. “But you gotta admit... it’s kinda funny.”
“Luna doesn’t seem very amused,” Pinkie Pie pointed out, before giggling softly as well.
“I should really make it up to her somehow,” Twilight said with a shake of her head. “Watch this lot while I talk to her.”
Pinkie Pie nodded, turning back to the four dancing mares while Twilight picked up a plate of brownies and moved towards the door.
The pink pony watched her for a long moment, eyes narrowing, a thoughtful look crossing her features.
Twilight stepped outside and up to the bars of the makeshift prison, holding out the plate of brownies. “Do you want a brownie, princess?”
Luna turned towards the librarian, biting her bottom lip. “It has been long since my last snack... I guess one would not hurt,” she muttered to herself, taking one and biting it in half, chewing it up and swallowing.
Twilight smiled sheepishly. “I’m sorry you got dragged into this, princess,” she apologized, picking up a brownie herself and biting into it happily. She swallowed before continuing. “I didn’t think it would affect them all so... strongly.”
“Just do not allow it to happen again,” Luna said with a wave of her hoof.
Pinkie Pie burst out of the doorway, her eyes wide, breathing hard. “Twilight! Don’t eat the brownies! They’re mine!”
Twilight blinked, holding up her half-eaten brownie sheepishly. “I’m sorry, Pinkie. I’ll buy you some replacements tomorrow.”
Pinkie Pie shook her head vigorously, whining. “No Twilight, you don’t understand! Those are my brownies! They must have gotten them from my personal stash! I baked the herb into them so I didn’t have to taste it!”
Luna blanched and spat out part of the brownie she was eating, before her and Twilight exchanged worried, wide-eyed glances.
The music blared even louder, and the five ponies all lazed on the couches, consuming food and giggling amongst themselves. Princess Luna had joined them, claiming that she needed to ‘monitor the situation’ within the library, but was seen by all of them to be sneaking pieces of cake every now and again, devouring them ravenously when she assumed that the others weren’t watching.
Pinkie Pie was the only one not giggling, and was glowering at the room at large.
“C’mon Pinkie Pie!” Twilight urged, giggling and bouncing in place. “Come have some fun!”
“You’re high, Twilight,” Pinkie Pie said flatly. “You all are!”
“Oh, you’re just being a kill-joy!” Rarity protested, and Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash backed her up with enthusiastic agreements.
Pinkie Pie gave an ‘uuuuugh!’ of annoyance, shaking her hoof. “C’mon you guys! I do three hits of this stuff and bake cakes!”
A curt knock at the door made them all pause, and Twilight carefully picked her way over to the door, pulling it open. The unicorn’s eyes widened.
“P-princess Celestia!” Twilight squeaked.
Immediately, all movement ceased, as the sun princess stared around at all of them, her eyes finding Luna’s. “I must speak with my sister.”
“Y-yes Celestia?” Luna asked uncertainly, her cheeks flushing.
“Please tell me, dearest sister, why ‘Celestia drools’ is scrawled across the face of the moon?” Celestia asked bluntly.
Twilight blinked, leaning to the side and craning her head out the front door and up towards the moon, finding out that, indeed, the words were scrawled onto the surface of the moon as though by a giant quill.
Luna flushed even further, lowering her head but not responding.
Celestia stared at her younger sister for a long, long moment, not saying a word, before she sniffed and turned away. “I trust you will remove the words,” she said, as she walked away.
There was a silence for a full five seconds, before all of the ponies fell to the floor, laughing helplessly.
“I thought she was going to send me back to the moon to remove it all by hoof!” Luna gasped between hearty laughs.
The morning after found the six ponies and single princess waking up to the mess of the party previously, and a royal decree sitting on the centre table that the herb, and all research pertaining to it, was to be destroyed.
Pinkie Pie was already walking out the door when the other mares awoke. “I have half a shop to fill back up!” she complained as she bounded away.
Twilight picked up the royal decree, yawning and then frowning down at it.
Rarity looked over her shoulder, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “Aww... they’re making us destroy the herb?”
Twilight nodded sadly. “I guess it’s for the best. It was kinda... destructive.”
“But it was fun,” Rarity complained.
“I ate too much,” Rainbow Dash groaned, rubbing her stomach.
“I ate bird seed?!” Fluttershy asked, aghast, staring down at the few remaining seeds left in her bowl.
Applejack winced faintly as she remembered the previous day. “Mah brother is gonna be so mad at me.”
“I, at least, did nothing foolish,” Rarity said with a definite air of superiority.
Twilight gave a nervous laugh, hoping that she was far, far away when Rarity discovered what she had done to her beautiful dresses.
Princess Luna rubbed her temples. “I must apologize to my sister. My behavior was amiss.”
Twilight nodded, “You did kind of... broadcast a naughty message across the entire night sky.”
Luna winced, shaking her head. “Do not remind me. I trust you will not be experimenting with any more substances, young unicorn?”
Twilight shook her head earnestly, “No, Princess Luna...” she trailed off, and then looked thoughtful. “But... there are these mushrooms that Zecora told me about...”
THE END
