As spring gave way to summer, Anon found himself growing more and more irritated with his day to day life. The heat wasn't the main catalyst behind his change in attitude, but it sure wasn't helping things. It was during a conversation with Rainbow, the mare going on about new tricks she devised for her Wonderbolts performance, she let slip something that gave Anon pause.
"Man, I wish I had your schedule, Anon. It's a breeze!" The human, wearing a pair of pine green shorts, and a similarly colored shirt, raised an eyebrow.
"What do you mean, Skittles? I work for the better half of the day, five days a week. My schedule is pretty full." Rainbow rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, right. Do you think Twi really needs your help reshelving the books every week? She's an alicorn, she can do it alone in 20 minutes tops! And that's if she keeps spazzing out and looking through every book while doing it." She wasn't really looking at Anon, the latter's mood plummeting with each word. "Or that one unicorn, Fizzle Twist, can't wash the windows by himself? No offense, Anon, but ponies got by without you."
"So it was all pity, huh?" He flexed his shoulders, fixing his cap to shield his eyes from the midday sun. "Should've guessed sooner."
"So yeah, that's why your job is so neat! You do something ridiculously easy, get paid for it, and get the rest of the day off to do whatever!" She raised her hooves in the air, an excited expression on her face. "Ain't that great?"
Rainbow's enthusiasm fizzled out as she noticed the pained expression on Anon's face quickly disappear behind a mask of indifference.
"Yeah... Hey, Rainbow, I remembered I've gotta take care of something real quick. Hang out some other time?" He didn't wait for an answer, turning 180° and walking off, leaving the confused mare with one question.
"Was it something I said?"
Anon soon reached the towering monstrosity that was the Castle of Friendship, a little gaudy, if you asked him. He hardly understood the benefit of crystal over more traditional materials, stone and marble would have sufficed, and looked killer doing it. Was it a royal decree that everything about the castle had to be so gay? The name, the look, Twiggles...
He shook the intrusive thoughts off, knocking on the castle door, squeezing his eyes to lessen the effect of the harsh reflected light. A familiar, scaly form of Spike opened the door, his tired expression morphing into that of surprise as he recognised the man in front of him.
"Hey, Anon, you're a little early." The man shook his hand, scales cold and hard. "Scratch that, you're really early! Aren't you scheduled for tomorrow?" Anon gave the drake the best are you fucking kidding me face he could muster.
"I see I've been relegated to the cleaning staff, since I can't even visit a friend if I want to." The drake stuttered, fumbling his words when he spoke.
"Anon, that's not what I meant-" The man chuckled, shaking his head.
"Chill, I'm fuckin' with you." Spike sighed with relief, wiping the nonexistent bead of sweat off his forehead. "So, can I go see Twiggles? Or do I have to write a form, or something?" Spike laughed weakly, shaking his head.
"Nah, you're good. She's in the library, you know the way there, right?" Anon nodded, waving Spike goodbye.
The walk to said library was uneventful, but mercifully pleasant thanks to the wonders of magic air conditioning. He opened the doors, to reveal the local autistic princess, sitting in one of the, thankfully not crystalline, chairs, reading a book, probably full of nerd shit.
Twilight tore her gaze away from the book, with a great deal of reluctance of course, her surprised expression making Anon frown.
"Oh, hey-" Anon raised his finger, silencing the mare.
"If you say I'm way too early, or that I'm supposed to help you re-shelve the books tomorrow, I will tell Tia about your stash of fanfics." Twilight's face fell, the mare nodding curtly all the while fighting past the lump in her throat.
"I-It's great to see you, Anonymous! You came here for anything specific, or..."
"I'mma be real with you, Twiggles. I'm tired of being useless, so I wanna learn some magic." Anon plopped onto a sofa, stretching his limbs with a satisfying crack. "You're like, the element of magic, so you gotta know what to do." Twilight sighed, it wasn't the first time they had this conversation.
"Anon... We've had this talk already, haven't we? Even if you learned all the intricate things that go into constructing a spell matrix, you can't use magic, because you don't have anything to focus the spells through." She conjures a white board, hastily scribbling some diagrams Anon didn't care for.
"You're saying all magic is like that? You ponies practice magic for centuries, and that's the only way you found?"
Twilight's muzzle scrunched up, the mare internally debating whether or not she should share further information with him.
"You know Princess Celestia enjoys your company regardless of whether or not you have magic, right?"
"Who said anything about Celestia?"
"Because you have a crush on her the size of the sun." Twilight smiled at the faint blush of Anon's cheeks. "And you're trying to impress her." Anon scoffed, propping up his head with his hand.
"You're right with that first part, but I'll deal with that when the time comes." He rubbed his face, taking a deep breath. "But you're wrong about the rest, Twiggles. You think I don't know you ponies give me purposefully easy work, just so I can keep the roof over my head?"
"Anon..." She approached the man in an attempt to placate him, but Anon was quick on his feet, pacing
"I'm not mad, really. I am fucking useless. What can I do that a unicorn, pegasus or earth pony can do better?" He chuckled, not a happy sound. "But that doesn't mean I can't make something out of myself. Humans are known for their ability to adapt, and I'll be damned if I don't try to."
Twilight sighed, the white board disappearing into thin air, replaced by an old-looking leather-bound tome. The cover was blank, both the title and author scratched out. "Before ponykind rationalized magic and learned to shape and wield it, a more... primal outlook dominated the field." She slipped into her teacher mode, a state Anon usually disliked, but now found intriguing.
"Ponies turned to rituals to contact the magical sources, designing complicated sets of steps to get what they wanted. This approach didn't require innate magic reserves, and grew popular." Anon couldn't help his skepticism.
"What's the catch?"
"That's the thing: we don't know. Many books on the subject were either lost or damaged around the time of Discord's rule over Equestria. This" She motioned towards the tome. "is a replica of one of the few surviving books. It contains the few rituals that survived through the ages."
"Neat." Anon tried to grab the tome, the elusive read drifting away from his grasp. "God, what now?" He didn't like the expression on Twilight's face.
"This... ritualistic approach is heavily bound to one's belief, and thus, can be dangerous. Even more so than 'regular' magic. I..." She shook her head, teleporting the tome away. "I'm not sure it's a good idea for you to have this. Not without The Princess' supervision." Anon blinked owlishly, taking a step back towards the library's door.
"You don't trust me." His voice was calm, but blank.
"No! It's not about trust, Anon! It's about your safety!" The man wasn't listening, his back turned to her as he headed for the exit. In a last ditch attempt to stop him, Twilight teleported in front of Anon, the latter nearly falling over. "Please, don't be mad!"
'I'm not mad, how could I be?" He sidestepped the mare, opening the doors. "On an unrelated note, next time I go take a piss, can I do it myself, or do I have to ask the Princess?" The mare remained silent, Anon shaking his head. "Nice talk, Twilight Sparkle."
As the doors closed shut, Twilight struggled to remember the last time Anon called her by her full name.
By the time Anon's head clears, he's halfway through his cigarette, already fishing a second one out of the pack. Unbe-fucking-lievable. Not only did she basically admit to treating him like useless schmuck, Twiggles treated him like a kid. Celestia this, Celestia that. Why did every conversation about him eventually led to the Solar Diarch?
The thought of Celestia evoked strange emotions within him. Warmth from the moment they shared together, anger from, well.. Fuckin' Twiggles. And, finally, disappointment. What would Tia think if she found out he'd been smoking again? Anon thanked his lucky star it was Tuesday, ample time to either wash off the smell of tar out of his clothes, or make up an excuse.
His reaction was another matter entirely. Storming off like a fucking manchild will surely get me in Twiggle's good graces. Anon took a long drag of his cig, shuffling the straps of his backpack. He fucked up, again. And he'll have to apologize, again. Business as usual, then.
He stubbed the cigarette on one of the bins he passed on his way, his mind preoccupied with the task ahead. It was his last for the day, delivering bags of feed to Fluttershy's cottage. Truth be told, he wasn't worried about the task itself, the bags fit into his backpack, and they weren't heavy at all. At the moment, Anon was concentrating all his efforts on not blowing up on Fluttershy. He wasn't sure how he'd live with himself if he did.
He knocked on the wooden door of her cottage, bags of feed in hand. The cottage was unusually quiet, and after a minute of silence, Anon was beginning to suspect the worst. There was a commotion on the other side, the sound of bowling pins blasted every which way followed by a very angry cat. The door opened, revealing perhaps the last person Anon wanted to see.
"Ah, Anonymous! To what do I owe the pleasure?" The cobbled together shape of a certain draconequus greeted the man, despite his best wishes.
"Here's the feed. Bye." He took a sharp turn, intent on leaving the hellish creature to his own devices, only for the ground beneath him to spin, leaving him staring right back at Discord.
"Don't be a stranger, come in!" Anon wasn't sure if the offer was serious, and he didn't want to find out.
"No thanks. I wouldn't want to stink Fluttershy's house up, and there's no way I'm getting through a conversation with you without smoking." Discord played mock-offense, hands crossed on his chest.
"Such harsh words!" Discord popped like a balloon, instantly appearing in place, a sly grin on his face. "Alas, Moi is anything but approachable."
"No shit." The bags of feed were thrown haphazardly into the house, but no sounds of destruction followed them, to Anon's surprise.
"And yet, I see sadness in you, young Anon." In a blink of an eye, Discord donned a long cloak, a very stereotypical wizard hat completing his look. "Mayhaps you were denied sacred knowledge? One that should, neigh, has to be yours?"
"You're not even a horse, what with the 'nay' pun?" A hand held Anon's shoulder, eliciting a very manly yell from him.
"Fret not, for I know exactly what you need!" A paw searched behind Anon's left ear, a very unpleasant experience, mind you, fishing out a familiar looking tome. "A revised edition of 'Rites and Rituals', by Onyx Waters." He shoved the book into Anon's backpack, the latter quickly digging it out, holding the tome in his hands like it was some ancient treasure.
"Just what the Discord ordered!" The draconequus exclaimed winking at the camera.
"What's the catch?" Anon glared at Discord, putting the book into his backpack. "No way you'd do something out of the goodness of your heart." The spirit of chaos blew a raspberry at the man, a very mature reaction.
"Do you really think so little of me?" His pout faded quickly, met with the stone-faced visage of Anon. "Alright, alright. I just wanted to mess with Twilight. Imagine the look on her face when she finds out you've got some tricks up your sleeve! Besides, we underdogs have to help each other!"
Anon shook his head, sick of dealing with the spirit's antics. "Fine, whatever. What's the worst that can happen." He warily shook Discord's outstretched claw, turning to leave. Just before heading downhill, he turned to cast one last look at the draconequus. "Thanks. And, uh, sorry for all the mean shit I said about you."
The two went their separate ways, although one of them had one more stressful encounter ahead of him.
Feeling like a total piece of shit, Anon fished another cigarette out of the pack, the foul smoke filling his lungs. The book was like a rock in his backpack, doubts swimming through his head. On one hand, Anon was thrilled. Just thinking about the possibilities made his head spin. On the other hand, this thing might be dangerous, if that prankster gave him the real book, that is.
Tripping over a rock, Anon was broken out of his thoughts, thrusted into the real world once more. His head raised high, the man noticed the last thing he wanted to see at the moment. Occupying a sofa on his porch, were two very familiar ponies, one of whom he'd seen earlier that day.
Before he could react, Celestia noticed Anon, encouraging him to come with a wave of her hoof. Cursing under his breath, Anon finished his smoke, disposing of it in a trash bucket next to his porch. Sweating bullets, his eyes drifted to Twilight, the mare surprisingly nervous.
"Anon, it's lovely to see you." Despite the hint of worry in her eyes, and the foul smell radiating from him, Celestia hugged Anon, patting him on the back with her majestic wing. It was something Anon greatly appreciated.
"You too, Tia." He rubbed the back of his neck, avoiding eye contact. "I know it's been a few days, but it feels way longer."
"You've been smoking again." Her tone was neither condescending nor scolding, but it didn't have to be to get a reaction out of him.
"Tough day." He lied. Celestia's day must've been infinitely harder, but he didn't see her feeding an addiction. "Why don't you two come in, it's getting kinda windy." Anon, world champion of changing topics.
"As much as I would love to, I'm afraid our conversation will be brief this evening." Anon's heart fell at her words.
That was it. Celestia would say she grew tired of his company, his bad habits, his pathetic, useless self. She'd leave him alone in an empty house, but what then? He'd probably cry, that's a start. Maybe in the shower? Kill two birds with one stone, and all.
"Anon? You're dozing off again." Her voice never failed to bring Anon clarity. "Are you feeling well, dear?" Dear. That one word sure did something to Anon, something not fit for a T rating. His face red as a tomato, Anon managed to control himself. Somewhat.
"I'm just tired, is all." That wasn't a lie, he actually felt pretty drained.
"Then I won't take much of your time." She could take all of his time, if she wanted. "Twilight informed me of your desire to learn magic. And while the ritualistic field is quite interesting, I would recommend you start with something simpler, yet adjacent. Potion brewing can be just as exciting, and I'm sure Zecora would love to teach you." A sheepish smile that Anon could swear was the most mesmerizing in the whole wide world, threatened to melt his heart. "I admit I myself, am quite inexperienced in this field. If you don't mind, I would love to accompany you to these lessons."
"That'd be great!" Anon hoped he didn't sound too desperate.
"We'll discuss more on Saturday, and until then... Farewell, Anon." Celestia leaned towards the man, nuzzling his nose with hers, her face turning a curious shade of pink, before the Sunbutt disappeared in a flash of golden light, leaving both Anon and Twilight speechless.
"I-buh, what?" Now Anon's heart was thoroughly liquefied, along with his brain. Not that he was using the thing, anyways. Funnily enough, when he turned to Twilight for confirmation, the mare looked equally flustered.
"Twiggles? Was... Was that a-"
"It's the next best thing." She sighed, shaking her head. "I can't believe my mentor just nuzzled you."
"Y-yeah." He opened the door with his shaking hand, motioning Twilight to come in. "Stay for the tea, Twiggles. As an apology for earlier today." She smiled weakly, entering his humble abode.
Anon buried his face in his hands and screamed his soul out for a good minute, before following his equine companion.
Author's Note
Celestia/Anon brainrot continues, may God have mercy on my soul.