If I knew that loving you would be a mistake, I wouldn't love you. I won't ask why. I suppose you already have your answer. I don't want to know, it's less painful this way.
Our first time, I remember it like it was yesterday. You had your popularity in school. Everyone was looking up to you. You had the every kind of power over students.
Your wavy, fiery hair.. the leather jacket.. You looked like the queen of our school. Crystal Prep doesn't always have students as cool as you.
I remember the first time you've seen me. You rushed through the cafeteria with a few lackeys following you after. Your crew was waiting in the line.
I thought I had a crush on you. Maybe I was just in a complex because you had everything in this school you could have, and I didn't have anything, and I thought it was love.
Your lackeys had caught me when I was looking at you like I was in love with you. I've never forgotten their disgusting smirks after that. They made their jokes between each other, but you didn't laugh. I thought I had a chance.
I knew that you were walking to my table eventhough I lowered my head. I heard you putting down your food plate as you pulled the chair in front me. My table had a guest, finally.
I looked in your eyes, and you gave me the warmest smile I've ever seen in that school. Maybe you weren't as cruel as said, I thought. I should've paid attention to rumors, I guess.
You asked my name, not because you wanted to mock me, because you genuinely cared about getting to know me. If I knew that it all would be a lie, I swear, I wouldn't even try to smile like I did that time. I couldn't help, you were my first friend..
The way you repeated my name after me, your sincere desire to know who I am seemed priceless. It still feels good if you say it's actually 'sincere'.
You made me laugh on that table. And you didn't make fun of me. You weren't laughing at me. You were trying your best at jokes to make me laugh, not cause you wanted to entertain yourself. You seemed different. How couldn't I believe you?
Our next days went the same. You were my company in school. No one dared to mess with me after you sat with me for the first time. I thought my life was starting to return to it's track.
Our first meeting after school, it was amazing. Your first bucket of flowers because you thought I was offended at your joke, it was the nicest someone has ever been with me. If you didn't really care, why did you come to my doorstep to visit me when I was sick? Not only that, you made cookies, or at least, tried to make cookies for someone for the first time in your life.. Was I really that fun to play with?
Maybe I'm crying while writing this, but it doesn't matter. The times I've spent with you still brings a bittersweet smile on my face.
Our first kiss? It was one of my happiest times ever. You had taken me to a peak to watch the river. It was peaceful when I leaned my head on your shoulder. I didn't expect the kiss, but it felt good to know that my feelings were mutual. Oh, how much I wish that I had known your real intentions..
I hope I didn't write too long. I suppose you can bare with me enough to read until the end. You're not as emotionless as trashing a dead girl's last letter, are you?
I risked my chances with my family. You know when I've cried in your shoulders after they learned that I was dating you, you know that your hugs always make me feel comfortable. I lost my family because I loved you. It didn't worth, now I see. You're not here now.
The countless times we've spent together with you was all I've ever wanted. Because I had you, and the rest was easy when you were by my side. If I knew that you never were, I wouldn't lose my own family for you.
When you left me, I was the entertainment source of all school. I could at least say 'hi' to a few people before meeting you, but you took that small thing away, too.
How can I forget your face when you told me that this was all for just a bet. I greeted you that day, and the only thing I received was a cold expression like you didn't even know me.. like I was a stranger..
You have no idea how much it stung when you said those words... that I was nothing more than no one. I was no one for you.
Your evil smirk was something that haunted my dreams, you know? The way you snickered while I looked in your eyes with a blurry vision, it was heavy as...getting abondoned by my family..
I wanted to scream that time. Your lackeys that surrounded you were cheering you because you won the 'bet' while I was fighting for my pride there. And you just let them.
What was the hardest of all? You literally said 'Did you really think that I'd date you out of all these hotties? Sorry, Twi, in your dreams..'
I wanted to hurt you. A lot. I wanted to shout that you were nothing more than a pathetic little orphan. But I couldn't. What if that was another lie? I was hugging you. I was brushing your hair when you were mourning on Mother's Day. Were you also acting that time?
I've never forgotten what you've said that day: The soil, I say, does it smell this good because it takes away our loved ones?
I've traded everything for your one little warm smile.. And you traded my emotions for winning a bet in return. Thank you.
If you're still reading this, I just want you to do a favor. I know, it's a lot for you, you don't care for me...but.. please.. You're not as cruel to not grant a dead person's wish, are you?
They will say that I killed myself because I've been rejected by you, that I was this weak from the start.. Please, don't let them say this. Eventhough you don't really love me at all, you know what I've been through the best.
I've been your toy for a while, but now I'm nothing more than a soil in a graveyard. Are you happy? Will you laugh after me for this, too?
If they didn't call it 'the pain of love' to what's stuck in me, I would call it a knife. It was as sharp as that. I should've known that pain was a part of love. They're inseparable. Love always comes with pain.
But still, why did your last glance at me hurt so badly?
Look, I'm dead, didn't you ever love me?
Author's Note
It was an idea I've come up suddenly. Written in a day, I knew it would be a short story. Thanks to Hazelfrmfshlv for proof reading again.
And thanks to you if you've read until the end <3
