Mr. Monk Goes to Ponyville

Chapters

The Case Begins...
The Case Intensifies...
The Case Gets Weirder...
"Oh, COME ON!"

The Case Begins...

"That's impossible..." said the wool-coated, white shirt-buttoned-up-to-his-neck, frowning man as he stared down at the sight on the floor. He, along with his assistant Natalie, were there with the police and medical personnel clustered around a body...or what was left of a body...floating in mid-air, with its upper half still visible and its lower half...gone? The upper half was protruding from what appeared to be a strange, huge circle of light that pulsed and glowed at regular intervals, but made no sound and when one walked behind it, showed no sign of the rest of the man. The medics put on heavy gloves and pulled the corpse by its arms out of the "light" and set it on the concrete floor.

Which made the situation all the more strange.

For the body wasn't bisected; it just wasn't there! There was no blood, no...organs spilling out, there was only a glow that matched the glow of the light covering the waist...

The medics set the body down and stepped back, looking just as lost as everyone else in the room.

The "crime scene," if that's what it was, was a large laboratory in a building that was thought to be deserted. It was in the low-rent section of the CIty, with no indication from the outside as to its actual purpose. The body was that of the former head of Quantum Physics at Arkham University, one Doctor Julius Feynman, a distant relative of the famous Richard Feynman.

"I know it's impossible, that's why we called you, Monk," said the police chief. Captain Stottlemeyer spared a glance at his assistant Lt. Disher and added, "...if anyone can get to the bottom of this, it's you."

Monk wrung his hands. "I deal with facts, Leland, science..." He nodded to the body. "This makes no sense..."

Lt. Disher checked his notes. "It makes perfect sense once you know who he was!" He looked up expectantly and smiled as he paused for dramatic effect. Leland fought to keep from rolling his eyes.

"Randy, we know who he was...do you have anything else?" He inwardly kicked himself for asking that, but it was already too late. Randy grinned.

"As a matter of fact, I do!" He looked around, still smiling, then drew a breath, raised his hands, and spread his fingers theatrically as he said in an awestruck voice, "MAGIC..." You could hear a pin drop as everyone in the room simply stared at him. Mistaking their silence for "admiration," he continued. "I know, right? But, it's the only thing that makes sense!" He pointed to the body. "This guy was a scientist, but he was into some really weird, secret stuff before he went missing! He must have discovered something that somebody in the government didn't want the rest of us to know! And what would that be?" He shrugged as he made his final point. "Magic."

Captain Stottlemeyer closed his eyes for a moment, then repeated, "Magic...?" Before his lieutenant could (enthusiastically) respond, he raised a hand and said in a weary voice, "Randy...let's...shelve that idea for now, and let Monk check out the area."

Monk threw up his hands and looked around. "What exactly is it I'm looking for?" He pointed. "We have a dead scientist in a "spooky" (making the air quotes with his fingers) lab. His lower half is nowhere to be found, and the only clue we have is this...wait..."

Leland stepped forward. "What?! What do you see?" He looked where Monk was looking, but saw nothing unusual. Adrian kept silent and raised his hands, spread his fingers, and stared through them as he looked down at the body, then began walking slowly all around it. He then held out his hand to his assistant. "Wipe." Natalie reached into her purse and quickly gave him a Wet Wipe®, which he wrapped around the first two fingers of his right hand, then slowly bent down.

Just as he was about to touch the side of the body's neck to check the pulse, the body opened its eyes and screamed, "It WORKED!!"

"Are you okay, Mr. Monk?" asked Natalie, as she stood by her quivering boss, who sat wrapped in a police blanket on the far side of the room and was still staring out into Nothingness. When the bisected body had spoken, Monk had let out a blood-curdling scream and had fled the room; it had taken the better part of an hour to coax him back in, but he had refused to come any nearer than across the room, and also wouldn't make eye contact with it.

Natalie stood beside him tapping her foot, torn between trying to calm him down and trying to listen to the scientist, but she knew her place was here. To anyone else, she would have offered a hug, or at least a pat on the back, but she knew he was such a germaphobe that her offer of comfort would have been rejected. Not for the first time, she wondered how life had been for him growing up laden as he was with all his phobias: haphephobia, Acrophobia, claustrophobia, gymnophobia, MILK, among a myriad of others...it was a wonder he could get out of bed each morning...

He sat with his back to the former "body," whom they'd lain on a gurney, and which was still speaking in an animated fashion about "space portals," "distant worlds," "alien life," "time travel," and other such nonsense, with no signs of distress at being "visually" bisected.

Monk's left eye twitched as he said, "I can still hear it...talking...it's not possible..." Natalie glanced over at the animated scientist, the Captain, and Randy standing next to him, the portal, and then back down at her employer.

"Sometimes...sometimes you just have to accept that not everything has a rational explanation, Mr. Monk," she offered delicately. He deigned to look up at her.

"I wish you could hear yourself. EVERYTHING has a rational explanation; all one has to do is find it..."

Natalie scowled and was just about to make a retort when Dr. Feynman suddenly announced, "Did anyone happen to see my assistant? If he's stolen the device that controls my portals, it could be bad...for all of us." At this, even Monk turned around and started paying attention.

The Captain frowned and asked, "What do you mean, 'it could be bad?' How bad?" The Doctor smiled and waved a hand.

"Don't worry." He pointed to the glowing circle of light. "The portal is still functioning, which means it hasn't been compromised, which also means the device is probably still in my lab somewhere." Then he frowned. "But, my assistant was supposed to have been monitoring my progress, to make sure something like this did not occur," he said, indicating his missing lower half.

Monk mustered his courage and approached the scientist (while Natalie followed him) as he'd been speaking, then asked (without looking at him) "Is it possible he followed you into that...whatever it is...without your knowledge?"

Doctor Feynman looked up at Monk, then turned to the Captain. "Who are these persons?"

"This is Adrian Monk, our best investigator, and his assistant, Natalie Teeger. Monk is here to help."

The Doctor nodded to the blonde. "Charmed, Ms. Teeger." Then he frowned at Monk. "Hmm. Adrian Monk. I believe I have heard of you...compulsive, riddled with phobias...weren't you catatonic for almost four years after your wife's unfortunate accident?"

At this, Monk turned and looked him straight in the eyes. "It wasn't an accident; Trudy was murdered by a car bomb. And it wasn't four years, it was three." He stepped closer. "You haven't answered my question: 'Is it possible he followed you into that portal?'"

The Doctor scowled back. "Weren't you listening? I said the portal is still intact and functioning, which means the device is still in here somewhere. One of us had the device that controls the portals at all times; if he had the device and went through the portal, it would be gone." Then he turned his attention back to the Captain.

"So to answer your question, Officer, that device in the hands of the wrong person would be bad for all of us because he could travel anywhere, steal anything, DO anything, leave no trace, and no one could stop him."

Stottlemeyer stared at him, then asked, "Tell me about this assistant of yours. I'm gonna take a wild guess and say you don't completely trust him."

The Doctor had the grace to look away and blush. "I...shouldn't have hired him, I admit." But then he raised his head and gestured around him. "You see what I've been reduced to! I didn't have the resources to vet every person I needed...I was on the verge of a breakthrough, the culmination of my life's work; there wasn't time!" He pointed at the portal. "And I succeeded! Through there, and any like it, Man can travel anywhere in the Multiverse! The possibilities are limitless!

The Captain raised his hand. "Slow down, Doc...you still haven't told me about your assistant. What's his name, where does he live, what's his description?"

The Doctor sighed, and answered, "His name is James Tennyson, and he's tall, about six feet, with long, black, stringy hair and practically no chin. As far as I know he lives here in the city, but I don't have his address."

Stottlemeyer scowled. "No address? Then, where do you send his W-2s?" From the guilty look on the scientist's face, the Captain already had his answer. "You've...been paying him under the table, haven't you? You do know that's a crime, Doc?"

"I needed to complete my work!" Feynman cried desperately. Then he smiled. "Besides, I didn't completely trust him; I didn't tell him everything about the device. He still needs this to know how to properly work it," he added as he tapped the side of his head.

"'Practically no chin'...? repeated Monk, as he slowly turned and centered his focus on one of the police officers standing near Natalie. He pointed. "Leland, how long has that one been on the force?"

Before Stottlemeyer could answer, the "police officer" pulled off his cap, revealing a head of long, stringy, black hair, grabbed Natalie, then shouted, "And you're gonna tell me everything!" He held her in front of him like a human shield as Stottlemeyer and Lt. Disher drew their weapons. He backed with her towards the portal, took a gadget out of his pocket and held it up. "You have three days to make up your mind, or you'll never see this woman again!"

With that, he pulled her with him into the portal, as she held out her arms and screamed, "Mister Monk!!"

And Adrian Monk, the obsessive, compulsive, phobia-ridden, practically scared of his own shadow husk of a man did the only thing he could do.

He leaped in after them.

"Monk!" screamed Leland as he ran to catch him, but the portal winked out of existence the moment Monk passed through, so Stottlemeyer landed on the floor. He immediately got to his feet, rounded on the Doctor, grabbed him by his lapels, and shook him!

"Where?! Where did my friends go?!" he roared.

The Doctor dropped his eyes and whispered, "I...don't know..."

Monk groaned as he opened his eyes, and then that groan turned into a shriek of disgust once he realized he was lying on the ground. He scrambled to his feet, or rather, he tried to, and found he had two more feet than he normally did!

Only they weren't feet, exactly, but hooves!

He kept perfectly still and looked down at himself. He was still wearing his wool coat, shirt, and trousers, but his shoes and socks were gone, and his hands and feet had been replaced by these...these...things. He immediately sat on his haunches, pulled both front hooves off the ground, and stared at them. There were bits of grass clinging to the bottoms, so he felt his stomach turn over. He tried wiping them against one another to get the filth off but only succeeded in transferring grass from one "hoof" to the other. Giving up on that, he finally took a good look at his surroundings. He was in a forest, in Nature, far from a city by the sounds of it, as the twitter of birds filled his ears and the sweet smell of flowers and other plants filled his nose.

In short, he was in HELL.

The Case Intensifies...

"Mister Monk! Thank goodness I found you!"

Monk turned his head and let out a screech as a horse with a blonde mane came running up to him from out of the foliage! For just a moment, he'd imagined he had heard it speaking, but his ears must have been playing tricks on him.

Then, it spoke again.

"Mr. Monk! It's me, Natalie! Natalie Teeger! Are you alright?!"

He shrank away from it and muttered, "How...how are you talking?" He looked around. "And where am I?" The Forest was bathed in the light of a setting Sun that was much brighter and clearer than he was used to, along with plants he didn't recognize. He could hear chirruping from various insects, as well as the sounds of other animals rustling near, and he fought down his growing urge to panic. The horse was speaking again.

"This place is called 'Equestria,' and there's a town nearby called, 'Ponyville.'" She smiled as she added, "The ponies there are quite friendly, and they offered to help us once I told them what happened."

Just as he was about to speak, he heard more rustling, and several more horses appeared from behind the first one. One was pink with an unruly, unkept, poofy mane; another was yellow with long pink hair, an orange one wearing a cowboy hat, and the last one was purple. Before any could speak, Monk looked around at them all, held up a hoof, said, "Nope," and then promptly fainted.

Away from prying eyes, the Captain had pulled the Doctor on his gurney to a back room for a little "friendly talk."

"I don't accept you 'don't know anything,' Feynman!" growled Stottlemeyer. He pointed angrily out to the laboratory. "You called all that your 'life's work!' That means you have more information than one little hand-held box!" The Doctor shrank back on the gurney as the Captain leaned down into his face. "You are going to tell me how we get our friends back NOW, or being cut in half will be the least of your worries..." he said in a quiet, dangerous voice.

"You...you can't threaten m...me like this, Captain! You're a police officer..." quavered the Doctor, as he held up his hands defensively. But Stottlemeyer simply smiled.

"If you fail to get my friends back, as far as YOU are concerned, I won't be..."

Randy had been watching the door when he suddenly said, "Captain? We have company...." Leland joined him at the door and leaned to the side, watching as two tall men in black suits walked into the laboratory.

The Doctor propped himself up on his arms to see for himself, then his face blanched. "Captain? We need to leave. Right this moment!"

Leland and Randy looked back at him. "Why? What's the problem?" asked Randy.

"No time to explain, but they're not here to help us! We need to get out of here!" The two officers looked back just in time to see the men put on dark sunglasses as they stood with their backs to them, took something out of their coats, and flashed it at the police and medical personnel who were still in the lab. The cops and meds then became catatonic and immobile. Leland had seen enough.

He quietly closed the door, and then looked frantically around the room. "There has to be another way out of here, Feynman!" The Doctor pointed.

"Behind those boxes! Hurry!"

The two officers ran to the boxes and started quietly pulling them down and setting them aside, as the Doctor kept an eye on the door. "They're coming..." he whispered. The two men threw the remaining crates noisily out of the way, exposing a final, wooden door, as Leland ran to the Doctor and picked him up. He cradled him to his chest and ran just as he heard the two men smashing their way into the room, then bolted through the door as Randy followed and shut it behind them.

"There's no lock!" he shouted as he closed the door, but Leland kept running with his burden.

"Randy! F...forget it!" puffed Stottlemeyer, "...just run!" They'd only made it halfway down the dark hallway when they heard the wooden door smash open and then the sounds of pursuit. The officers crashed through the final exit and ran to their car, as Leland jumped into the back with the doctor and Randy fell into the driver's seat.

"Go, GO!!" screamed Stottlemeyer, as Randy fumbled in his pockets for the keys. Leland looked up, saw the two men approaching, and locked the car doors. "Randy...? We need to move...NOW..." he quietly said.

Randy finally got the keys out and put them in the ignition, just as the men reached the car and took out a long, shiny, cylindrical device and held it to the window. "COVER YOUR EYES!!" screamed Feynman, as he closed his own and slapped his hand over Stottlemeyer's face.

But, Randy wasn't so lucky.

There was a flash, and the two men in the car heard him say, "Huh?" and then go completely still.

The men in the black suits smiled, and then one said, "Open the door, Officer Disher." Just as Randy's hand was moving to the automatic lock, Stottlemeyer pushed his lieutenant bodily out of the way, leaped over the seat, turned the keys, and floored it, roaring out of the parking lot.

As they sped down the road and out into the city, Leland shouted, "Who were those guys?!" He looked down at Randy. "And what did they do to him?!"

Feynman pushed himself up to a "sitting" position and sighed. "They've been following me for years, trying to steal my work." He looked Leland in the eyes through the rearview mirror and added, "...they're...not nice people..."

When Monk opened his eyes, for just a moment, he thought he was back in his apartment. He was lying on a soft bed, in a darkened room, and all was quiet. Then he sloooowly turned his head to the right...then shrieked and sat up as he saw that same blonde horse sitting beside him and smiling. "Mr. Monk! Please! Calm down! You're safe now!" cried the horse, as she got to her hooves with a worried look on her horsey face.

He gazed around the room. The walls were made of some strange, purple crystal, with lanterns that didn't look like they were electric. There was a wooden desk and chair, along with a table and other chairs. To his left was a fireplace, with a multi-colored rug placed in front of it. Then, he held up his former feet and stared at them. "What...what happened to me?" He held them out to the horse and demanded, "What is going on?" The horse sighed and began.

"Get OFF of me!" screamed Natalie, as she elbowed Tennyson in his stomach. She succeeded in freeing herself, then turned around and drew back a fist, preparing to flatten his nose, and then froze in shock. She...wasn't looking at a Human anymore! What she saw was a brown horse, wearing clothes, and clutching its stomach with one hoof! Then, she looked down at herself. Her "fist" was no longer a hand but a hoof, and she screamed as she saw it! "What's happening?! Where are we?!" she demanded. The horse had a long, black mane, and stared up at her through it...and smiled.

Holding up the device in his other hoof, he grinned and said, "Welcome to another planet, girlie! Or should I say...unicorn!" He tucked the device into one of his pockets and said, "Three days! That's how long you have to live if the Doctor doesn't come through! I'll be popping back to check on him for my information, and in the meantime, I'll be watching you!" He got to his hooves and galloped off through the underbrush and past the trees, but not before yelling over his shoulder, "Three daaaaaaaayyys..."

Natalie stared at his fleeting form with a flat expression. "He sounds like a comic-book villain," she thought to herself. Then one of his last statements came back to her. Unicorn? She looked down at her hoof, and then slowly brought it up to her forehead. She gasped as she felt something long and pointy, then stared cross-eyed up at it. "Oh my gosh...I AM a Unicorn!" She giggled like a teenager and pranced in place. "This is so great!" then she quickly sobered. "Mr. Monk! I saw him trying to follow us!" She looked around the forest, seeing nothing but trees and plants, and hearing nothing but insects and possibly small animals. She shielded her eyes as she gazed up at a Sun that was at high noon, which was also much bigger and closer than it was on Earth. She started yelling, "Mr. Monk! Where are you?" as she began galloping through the trees, searching back and forth.

She soon came to a path and began trotting down it, then stopped when she saw what looked like a town in the distance. She swallowed as she saw other creatures like herself walking about the place, but they seemed friendly, so she drew a deep breath, held her head high, and trotted into the town.

Only to be almost immediately bowled over by a pink pony up in her face yelling, "Oh my GOSH are you NEW?! I've never seen you before, so you MUST be NEW!! Welcome!!"

Natalie shrank back and held her hooves up to her chest, as the pink pony then grabbed one of them and began shaking it. "Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie! What's YOUR name?! Where did you come from?! How long will you be staying?! Do you like PARTIES?! I LOVE parties!"

This might have gone on for several more minutes before another pony, this time an orange one in a cowboy hat, of all things, said, "Pinkie! Give the gal a break!" The orange one smiled at the frazzled newcomer and added, "Sorry about that, hon, but Pinkie can be a little...excitable. Pay her no mind." She tipped her hat and said, "Ah'm Applejack. Pleased ta meet ya!"

Natalie looked down at her hoof, and said, "Natalie...Natalie Teeger..." Looking around she said, "What is this place? And who are you people?" Applejack exchanged a glance with Pinkie, then raised an eyebrow.

"You...ain't from around here, are yah?" Natalie shook her head.

"No. And I need your help to find my friend." She pointed back to the forest. "He may be in there somewhere, lost, and I have to find him before he freaks out!" To their puzzled expressions, she explained, "If he's changed into a pony like I did, he...won't take it well. He's very persnickety."

They both stared at her, and then Applejack said, "Y'all...better have a talk with Twilight. She's the brainy one in this here Town; she'll know what to do."

"...and so after talking to Twilight, who is a Princess, by the way, we organized a search party and found you! So here we are!"

Monk looked at her, looked down at his hooves, then leaned back into his pillows, stared at the ceiling, and sighed. "Talking ponies. Unicorns. Princesses." He looked back at her. "What's next: 'Fairies?' 'Elves?' 'Dragons?'"

At this last, Natalie bit her bottom lip and replied nervously, "Umm...funny you should mention dragons, Mr. Monk..." Right on cue, the door opened, and a small, purple and green dragon came in wearing an apron and carrying a covered tray.

"Dinnertime!" the dragon announced cheerfully. It marched up to the bed and placed the tray on the new pony's lap, as it sat there frozen, staring silently at him. The dragon pulled the covering off with a flourish and said, "Twilight thought you may be hungry, so I made some sauteed carrots, steamed wild rice, fried mushrooms, and a BIG glass of milk to wash it all down! Enjoy!" The dragon smiled at the ponies and then left, as Monk still sat frozen.

"Natalie?" he said in a quiet, steady voice.

"Yes, Mr. Monk?"

"My food is touching each other..."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Monk!" She moved forward, but he held up a hoof to stop her, then he pointed.

"That's milk."

"I know, Mr. Monk, I'll take care of it!" She concentrated and lit her horn, encasing the glass in a glow that matched her mane, then moved it carefully away and onto a nearby table. Monk's eyes tracked all this without moving his head as he still sat frozen.

Then he said, "Natalie? I'd...like to be alone for a moment, if you don't mind?"

"Of course, Mr. Monk, I understand!" She hesitated, then asked, "Would...would you like me to see if I can find you some other plates, so we can separate your food?" He nodded.

"That would be nice."

As she left the room and closed the door, she was only halfway down the hall before she heard him scream.

The Case Gets Weirder...

"So it's decided: we'll do all that we can to help you track down this 'Tennyson' fellow and help you get back to your planet," Twilight declared with a smile.

Monk nodded, and said, "Thank you...Your Highness..." then he stood, bowed awkwardly, and resumed his seat. He then took another opportunity to stare around him. The eight of them (plus a dragon) were seated in a circular room, with thrones set up about a round, white table. The ceiling was high, and the walls were festooned with tapestries depicting sigils and other designs of heraldry, along with motifs of (apparent) heroes and heroines of this world.

As his eyes kept darting to one on the far back wall, Twilight noticed and asked, "Is...there something wrong, Mr. Monk?"

He hesitated, then said, "I...don't know who your great figures are, nor your history but," and here he pointed to the tapestry in question, "...that one is three centimeters higher than the others; is it special?"

Everyone else in the room turned and stared blankly at the hanging, but when Twilight turned and looked at the one he'd indicated, her eyes grew wide. "You're right! I knew something was bothering me about this room today; now I know why!" She immediately flew up to it, pulled the nails out with her magic, carefully adjusted the tapestry, and then repositioned it. "There! That's better!"

The other ponies (and the dragon) just stared at him. "How...did you do that?" asked Rainbow.

Monk shrugged. "It's a gift...and a curse."

Twilight nodded soberly at the detective and sighed as she gazed around at all of her friends. "I know what you mean..." Then, she frowned, looked around, and said, "It still doesn't feel right in here." She looked up and saw the new pony cautiously waving a hoof to get her attention. "Yes, Mr. Monk?"

He cleared his throat and said, "If it helps, this table is one centimeter off from the center of that overhead light," as he pointed, then added, "...the pattern of colors along all the walls is the same except for that one in the corner, where a tiny patch of green has been added..." He walked up to it (which took over thirty seconds to cover the distance), bent down, and pointed at a minuscule dot, "...and all the lights in here are giving off the same amount of illumination except for that one." All turned and looked at the one he pointed out, "...which is two lumens higher than all the rest..."

As they all stared at him, he resumed his seat and said, "...if it helps..."

"That is truly amazing, Mr. Monk!" said Twilight. Then she added, "I wonder WHO could have deliberately done all of these things?" she said while looking pointedly at Fluttershy. "It seems like a chaotic thing to do."

The yellow pegasus blushed and said, "He told me I wouldn't see him for the next few weeks, so I thought that meant he was on vacation..?" she finished meekly.

Rainbow, who was sitting beside her, smiled, patted her on the back, and said, "Flutters? It's a good thing you're cute!"

She ducked her head behind her mane and said, "You...you don't think he...lied to me, do you?"

All rushed to reassure her. "No...No! Well, not...on purpose..." Twilight delicately amended. "He truly sees you as his only friend, so he'd never do anything to hurt that friendship." At the skeptical look she saw from both Dash and Applejack, she made a 'cutting' motion across her throat, then smiled back at Fluttershy before she could see their reaction. "Truly!" Turning her attention back to Monk and Natalie, she beamed at him and said, "Is there anything else we can do for you, Mr. Monk?"

Monk rocked slightly, then looked at Natalie with a pained expression. She read his face, frowned, and quickly shook her head, but the pressure was just too much! Raising a hoof, he said, "There is one question you could answer for me...why are you all...naked?" Natalie closed her eyes, bowed her head, and hid her face behind both her hooves.

"Oh, Mr. Monk..." she groaned.

"It's their culture, Mr. Monk!" growled Natalie. She paced angrily in front of him as they were both back in his room while he sat at the table looking contrite. "I tried explaining your quirks and phobias to them, but I guess I didn't remember them all!"

"She...did ask me..." he offered. "What was I supposed to say?"

"ANYTHING but that!" she countered. "If we were in a town in New England, would you have complained that everyone smelled like fish?! Or if we were on a farm, would you have told the farmer he had too many cows?! NO! Then why on EARTH would you complain to a people who are PONIES that they're all NAKED?! In case you haven't noticed, Mr. Monk, ponies don't usually wear clothing there OR here!" She stopped pacing, took a couple of breaths to calm herself, then said, "Mr. Monk...just...just pretend you're looking at ponies from Earth, okay? You don't see them as being naked, right?"

He took a moment to consider it, then smiled. "You're right! I don't think of horses and ponies as naked! Thank you, Natalie! I...I...oh..."

She stared at him. "What...what's wrong, Mr. Monk?" But he didn't answer, as his eyes were frozen in a rictus stare at something over her shoulder. She turned slowly around, and at the window, there was a set of blue buttocks pressed firmly against the glass, with a distinctive "lighting bolt" mark on each of the cheeks.

As they watched in horror, the butt cheeks squeaked around the window a few times, they heard, "You don't like naked? How's THIS for naked?!" and then flew away to the sounds of uncontrollable laughter. Natalie looked back at him.

"It...seems I have some more work to do."

In a cave DEEP in the Everfree, a lone pony lit an oil lamp and, in the flickering light, rubbed his hooves together in anticipation. Soon, he'd be able to shed this pony form, return to Earth, get the information he needed from that idiot of a scientist, and BEGIN his conquering of the UNIVERSE!

He'd already spent most of the previous day spying on that "defective detective" and his 'girl Friday,' so he knew they'd met with the local people and enlisted their help...not that it mattered! He may not understand every aspect of the device, but he knew how to use it to slip in and out of places unseen and travel back and forth to Earth!

What more could a Master Thief ask for? No...a GRAND Master Thief!

He threw back his head and laughed maniacally, just picturing all the riches that would soon be his for the taking! Stifling his mirth for a moment, he paused to reach into the pocket of his stolen policeman's jacket and took out the device. He smiled as he read the gauges: all was functioning normally, as he understood it, and barring anything unforeseen, he should be able to hop back to Earth within the hour to check on Feynman.

And that was when he heard a growl from deeper inside the cave.

His face blanched as he slowly rose to his hooves. The growl grew to a snarl and then the sound of bounding paws! He screeched like a little girl, turned, and fled pell-mell out of the cave and into the night as fast as his four hooves could carry him! He had only one thought, something his own father had told him long ago: "Never look behind you; something might be gaining on you..." and poured on even more speed! Low-hanging branches whipped against his face as he belted past trees and leaped over bushes...and he didn't stop running until he saw the lights of Ponyville up ahead. Then and only then did he fetch up against a tree and look back.

He was alone.

Once he had a chance to clear his thoughts, he realized he hadn't been pursued past the mouth of the cave; whatever was in there had only wanted him gone. Chuckling to himself, he felt in his pocket for the device...then froze. He checked his other pockets. Then again. He took his coat off and turned it inside out.

The scream woke a good many of Ponyville's citizens from a sound sleep.

The next morning, there was a knock on Monk's door. Natalie got up from the breakfast she'd been having with him and said, "I'll get it!" She trotted to the door and opened it partly, then spoke quietly to someone as Monk watched from his place at the table. His puzzlement grew as he saw her smile, step back, and then throw the door open wide. There, holding a sketch pad, pencil, measuring tape in her magic, and wearing saddlebags with a sigil on them that matched the one on her flank, was the white Unicorn he had been told was named Rarity. Monk stood and bowed his head awkwardly, which made her smile.

"I'm glad to see you do possess some gallantry, Mr. Monk!" she giggled. "Now then! Down to business!" as she then donned a pair of red spectacles and placed them on the end of her nose. He took a step back.

"What...kind of 'business?'"

"Why, preparing you some new outfits, of course! Surely you don't intend to wear the same clothing the entire time you are here, do you?" She looked over her shoulder. "And the same for you, my dear! I have in mind some dresses that will be most fetching!"

Natalie squeed and pranced in place! "Eeeee! I'd love that!" She giggled at her boss. "Doesn't that sound great, Mr. Monk?!"

His face grew thoughtful. "This is the longest I have ever gone in my life without showering...how soon can they be ready?"

Rarity beamed. "Once I take your measurements, I can have your first sets done in about two hours." She lifted the tape higher in her magic and said, "Who wants to go first?"

Both Monk and Natalie flinched, and then she answered for him. "Mr. Monk...has an aversion to being touched...perhaps I should go first?"

"Pish posh!" tutted the white Unicorn, "I needn't touch your friend to measure him! Observe!" From her place near the door, she levitated her tape over to the frozen pony as he stood there with his eyes bugging out, watching as she quickly and professionally wrapped the tape around his neck, then from his fetlock to his shoulder, then across his back. All the while, she was also scribbling on her sketch pad while walking around Natalie.

The blonde asked, "Don't...you need to write down Mr. Monk's readings?" Rarity smiled.

"I may not be able to spot a 'three-centimeter' difference in height from one tapestry to another from across a room, but as far as fashion is concerned, I believe I am Mr. Monk's mental equal!" She tapped the side of her head with her pencil. "His measurements are already stored up here...and now, it is your turn!"

She soon had both of them taken care of and was just about to leave when she stopped and said, "Oh! I nearly forgot!" She opened one of her saddlebags and levitated out a wrapped package. She smiled as she gave it to Mr. Monk. "You are not my first customer who prefers not to have their hooves always touch the ground. Take care; I will see you both in a few hours!" They watched her leave, and then he opened the package.

Inside were several pairs of coverings for his hooves.

"You can't go back to anyplace you normally go!" said Feynman as he kept watch out the back window. "By now, they'll have staked out where you live, talked to everyone you know, and they'll be waiting for you!"

Stottlemeyer scowled as he rounded another curve. "This is ridiculous! I'm the Chief of Police! Who are they, and what do they want from me?!" At the scientist's silence, he glared into the rearview mirror and bellowed, "Answer me!"

After some moments, Feynman quietly said, "It's...not you they're after; it's me and my research." He gazed sadly into the mirror. "You two just got in the way."

"And that's another thing!" Leland shouted as he took a quick look at his comatose lieutenant. "What was that thing they used on Randy?! How do we get him back to normal?!"

Feynman leaned back and sighed. "He'll be alright; his mind has simply been temporarily blanked, and he's extremely susceptible to suggestion. You could tell him anything right now, and he'd believe it, then continue to live as normal."

"Anything?" Stottlemeyer thought hard as they blew through a red light. Finally, he said, "Randy: I know you're a good cop! The next time we're on a case, you're going to give me the smartest, most clever analysis you can think of, just like Monk! You hear me?"

Speaking like a sleepwalker, Randy slowly said, "I'll...be...just...like...Monk..." Then he shook himself, looked around, and said, "Hey! Where are we?! What happened?!" Stottlemeyer smiled.

"This can't possibly go wrong..."

"Oh, COME ON!"

Two days earlier

"Oh, and one other thing," panted Natalie, as she ran with the other ponies through the Forest looking for Monk, "...my Boss only drinks a certain kind of water...and I know it's probably silly to ask...but you wouldn't happen to have a brand called 'Sierra Springs' here, would you?" Twilight turned to Pinkie as they roved back and forth, searching through the trees.

"I haven't heard of it; what about you, Pinkie? Do they have that at Sugarcube Corner?" Pinkie giggled.

"Different water?! How silly is that?!" She turned amused eyes at the new pony. "Water is water, silly! I'm sure once your Boss tries ours, he'll love it!"

The weird Sun beat down on Monk's head as he looked up and shielded his eyes from its glare, then cast another glance around him at his strange surroundings. Everywhere he looked, he was cornered on all sides by Nature, and it was all he could do to keep from screaming. To make matters worse, the heat was affecting him in other ways, so he briefly considered unbuttoning the top button of his shirt (IF he could manage it with...these!), but he was not that desperate yet!

His tongue was starting to cleave to the roof of his mouth from thirst, so he smacked his lips as he heard the gurgling of water somewhere nearby, hoping to find another spring as he'd done that time Leland had taken him to that cabin for witness protection so long ago. On that occasion, they'd been on the run from some gangsters who were trying to kill him and had gotten stuck out in the woods without any water. Both Natalie and Stollemeyer had found a fresh spring of water and had been able to convince Monk it was the same source of water that produced his beloved 'Sierra Springs,' so the "water crisis" had been averted. Knowing the odds were astronomically against such a thing happening again, he still awkwardly and gingerly followed his ears to the sound of the water.

Only to come up short and gaze down in disgust at a pool of bubbling, gurgling, green muck that was oozing out of some rocks. Several small animal skeletons could be seen scattered around and below it, and as he stood frozen in horror, a huge bubble grew, then burst, sending a foul odor into the air! He backed slowly away, then lifted his eyes and came to the horrid realization he was standing near a swamp...full of...things cavorting about in the brackish water...things with...scales, or slimy skin, oversized eyes, many, MANY teeth, and all covered in a disgusting greenish haze. He shrieked, turned, and bolted away, his thirst forgotten, possibly forever!

After visiting the kitchen to get some spare plates, Natalie took another moment to consider, then asked Spike for a pitcher of water and two glasses. Placing all the items on a large platter and holding them in her magic, she slowly returned to Monk's room, taking the time as she walked to prepare all the mental arguments she thought she'd need to get him to give in and drink without giving her too much trouble.

She needn't have bothered.

As soon as she came through the door, Monk turned and looked at what she was carrying. Before she could say a word, he pointed and asked, "What? Is that?"

Steeling herself, she set the platter down on a nearby table, and then, she poured him a glass and walked over to him. "Mr. Monk, I know it's not 'Sierra Springs,' but—" and that's as far as she got before he snatched it out of her magical grip.

Pure joy was written on his face as he beamed at it and spoke with awe, "Is...is this what water really looks like on this world?! Not...green...and slimy?"

She stared at him. "Well, yes, but why would you ask th—" she was again cut off as he gulped it all down in three huge swallows and held out the glass for more.

"I LOVE IT..."

A day after the 'butt-cheek' incident...

Monk was still delightedly slipping on and trying out his new 'hoof coverings' when there was another knock on his door. Natalie had been watching him with a big smile on her face, glad to see he'd recovered from the previous days' unpleasantness. Once she heard the door, she brightly said, "I'll get it!" then bounced over and opened it—only to immediately frown.

For there, standing next to Her Highness, was the culprit from the day before—only she was attired a bit differently. The now red-faced pegasus was wearing a bonnet and a very frilly, frou-frou dress with ribbons and bows that covered her from her neckline to far past her back hooves, with poofy sleeves and white lace. A concession had been made for her wings, but other than those, the bottom of her hooves, and her face, no other part of her body was visible. Before Natalie could speak, Twilight gave a wry smile and said, "May we come in? My friend here would like to make an apology to Mr. Monk."

With her head down, Rainbow walked slowly into the room. The dress rustled, and little bells that had gone unnoticed tinkled on her hooves. "I'm...sorry about yesterday...with the whole...moon...thing..." she mumbled.

Natalie smiled and held a hoof to her ear. "I didn't quite catch that..."

The pegasus frowned, turned even redder, and then looked up. "I said I was sorry! It will never happen again!" She rounded on Twilight. "Now can I take this stupid dress off?!"

Twilight barely suppressed a giggle, then turned to her guests. "What do you think, Mr. Monk? Should we let her off the hook?"

Rainbow fell to her knees before him and placed her front ones together in a gesture of supplication. "Please, Mr. Monk! You can't DO this to me! I'll do anything! I have a reputation!"

He smiled. "No more...unsavory...acts on my windows?"

She quickly made the gestures. "Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!"

At both Natalie and Monk's blank expressions, Twilight explained, "That was a 'Pinkie Promise.' NOPONY breaks a 'Pinkie Promise'...EVER!"

Natalie grinned. "Well! That's good enough for me! Right, Mr. Monk?" He nodded, but she could see by his expression he was pondering the meaning of the veiled threat.

"THANK YOU!" cried Dash, as she jumped to her hooves and began tearing herself out of the horrid outfit, only to be frozen in place by Twilight's magic.

With a glance at Mr. Monk (who had averted his eyes) she said, "I...think you can wait until we're out in the hall, Rainbow." Then she added, "And besides, I think Rarity might like her 'punishment' dress back!" She gave a final wave to her guests and finished with, "We will all be back later to help you track down that criminal, now that certain...ahem...improprieties have been settled."

"Thank you so much, Your Highness!" Glancing at her boss, she added with her sunny smile, "Mr. Monk and I truly appreciate all your help!"

"Please..." said the Alicorn as she waved a hoof. "...call me 'Twilight.' That's what all my friends do." With that, she and the red-faced pegasus left and closed the door. Natalie giggled as she heard the sounds of a garment being hastily thrown off and an exasperated "Finally!"

"Well!" said Natalie as she sat next to Monk, "...now that that crisis has been solved, what should we do next?" Monk was still holding up his hooves and grinning like a little boy at his coverings, then turned that smile on his assistant.

"What else? We look for clues."

Natalie drew her ears back and said, "Umm...Mr. Monk? That would mean...going back into that forest." She frowned as she added, "You know...back into...Nature?" He looked away and sighed. Then he raised his head, squared his shoulders, and held up his hooves.

"It won't be so bad...now that I have these..."

As soon as it was light, Tennyson had spent the better part of the day trying to retrace his steps. He searched under every bush and bramble, looking for his precious device, but as the Sun reached Her zenith, he finally paused under the shade of a tree and wept. ALL of his plans...ruined! That portal device would have made him the Master of the Multiverse...but now? Now he was only a petty thief, stuck in an alien body on an alien world, with no way to get home!

It just wasn't fair!

He wiped his face as he thought about his Dad. Warwick had told him, "Son, you ain't cut out to be a criminal...you better try somethin' safe, like a janitor..." Tennyson frowned. He'd show him! He'd show ALL of them! If only he hadn't lost that gadget! Making the decision to give one more try, he swallowed as he made his careful way back to that cave, looking left and right as he slowly retraced his steps while also keeping an eye out for any potential predators.

...aaaaand came up with nothing...

The light was beginning to fade, his stomach was growling from missed meals, and he was just considering if there were any janitorial jobs he could do on this world when suddenly he stopped. Now that the majority of day animals were starting to settle in for the night, and it was the silence before the night creatures began hunting, he strained his ears as he heard a quiet...beeping. He slowly turned in all directions, trying to locate the source.

And that's when he also saw a faint...glow.

Tamping down his excitement, he made his way over to the glow...then stopped dead in his tracks.

For there before him, partly concealed under some brush...was the lower half of a pony. Wearing pants. With a glow circling around where its waist should have been. He could see a light pulsing from one of the pockets, so he carefully reached in and extracted the device.

Dad was wrong!

In one of the seedier parts of town, Leland had backed the car into an abandoned warehouse near the dock, and was now looking cautiously out one of the darkened windows for any sign they'd been followed. Seeing nothing but the empty street, he sighed and holstered his weapon, then turned to check on the professor.

"How you doin' Doc?" The Professor was "seated" on an old couch in the process of dismantling his cell phone.

He looked up at the Captain and said, "Trying to cover our tracks." He nodded in the direction of Leland's pocket and added, "If your phone is still on, I suggest you do the same."

He was just reaching into his pocket when he paused. "Hey...where is Randy?"

Feynman looked up. "Your lieutenant?" He pointed. "I saw him go in that direction, though for what purpose I couldn't say."

Stottlemeyer frowned, then yelled, "Randy! Get back here!"

"Just a second, Leland!" he heard him reply.

"Leland?' Since when does he call me by my first name?" His frown deepened as he strode to the rear of the warehouse, trying to see what he was up to. Only to hear strange sounds of objects being moved.

Then stood stock still as he watched his lieutenant in the process of organizing all of the broken furniture and debris, near as he could tell, by height and color. As Stottlemeyer gazed at him in growing horror, he also noticed the lieutenant had buttoned his shirt all the way up to his neck.

"Randy...?" he slowly began in a quiet voice, "...what are you doing?"

Randy paused in the middle of pushing another chair with his foot over to the perfectly straight line of abandoned warehouse furniture, looked over his shoulder at his Captain, smiled, and said, "You'll thank me later." Then, using a stick, he started lining up all the empty bottles he'd found by size, shape, and color. Stottlemeyer's eyes grew wide as the realization of what he was seeing dawned on him.

"Oh, my God...what have I done?"

Tennyson giggled to himself as he adjusted the portal device. Now that he'd found the Professor's lower half, he did not need to return to Earth! He could bring him right here to this planet and get all the information he wanted from him!

His smile turned predatory as he set the controls to open the portal, then grabbed the professor's legs to pull him in once the sequence had finished. He was shaking with excitement as he looked down at the timer.

"Three...two...ONE!"

Leland had just convinced "Monk" to set aside his...project...and return with him to the Professor...when they heard Feynman shriek. They both bolted back to him, only to see him hanging on for dear life to one of the steel girders embedded to the floor as he was being dragged into a circle of light! Feynman looked over his shoulder and shouted, "Help me! Something's pulling me in!"

"Hang on, Doc!" the Captain shouted back as he rushed up to him, grabbed his wrists, and heaved! He looked up at Randy only to see him hanging back with a worried look on his face. "Randy! Get over here and help us!" Whatever was pulling him was immensely strong, so he was losing the tug-of-war. Straining with all his might, Leland grit his teeth and growled, "Get over here, Lieutenant! That's an order!"

"Here's the thing..." Randy said as he wrung his hands together with a cautious look at the portal, "I don't know what will happen if I...touch him while he's part of that...whatever it is..."

"Dammit, Randy!" shouted the Captain as most of the Professor had passed through the portal. "We need him to get our friends back home! Get...over...here...NOW!!" At this, Randy's face changed to one of determination, so he ran forward and threw his arms around the Captain's waist.

...just in time to be pulled with him into the portal...

When the Captain came to, he looked down and realized he was lying on the ground as the smells of plants filled his nose. He groaned and tried to sit up but found it strangely...different. Then his heart almost gave out as he got a good look at himself: he was still wearing his suit, but his hands weren't...hands anymore. His eyes grew wide as he held them up and looked at...hooves. He felt his face. He still had his bushy mustache, but he now had a snout! He sensed movement behind him, only to turn and see...see...a tail jutting and wagging out of his pants! "I'm a...horse?" he said to himself, then clapped his mouth shut. "...that can talk?!" he finished. He heard someone groan, then looked to his right...and froze.

Another horse...wearing Randy's clothes, was slowly getting up and looking around. Only this horse...had wings! The sight was too much for the Captain.

"Oh, COME ON!"