The Elements of Anonymity
A well-dressed man had arrived in Equestria rather suddenly, disoriented, in the Everfree Forest. In a few hours, with a few difficulties and close calls with the strange creatures in the forest, he discovered an abandoned castle, and explored it. Inside of what he assumed was a library, he saw a tome with an interesting-looking cover and title, called the ‘Elements of Anonymity’. Doing something that he would regret later, the man flipped through the pages of the book, and looked at a distinctly marked passage of strange spoken word poetry next to the end. He read it out loud to distract himself from his situation.
”From one to Anon, Anon to one. The words of one’s identity turned Anon, redone.”
Unexpectedly, the book flashed, and the man flinched, and started glowing for a bit. That passage turned out to be a magic spell. Reading it cursed him, and erased all records and memories of that man’s name from existence, erased his fingerprints, and made his physical features difficult to remember or document. Anon realized that his newfound anonymity would probably cause him truckloads of problems, if he ever found a way to return to Earth.
After a pointless outburst of rage with no audience, Anon calmed down, read through the book silently, and tried to understand what had just happened to him. The book’s foreword mentioned that Celestia, having lost her connection to the Elements of Harmony after banishing her sister to the moon, had asked Starswirl to explore alternate solutions if major threats re-emerged. This book recorded one of Starswirl the Bearded’s attempts to transform the Elements of Harmony into something that could wield even more power, the Elements of Anonymity. The book also documented that neither Starswirl nor Celestia managed to use this spell, and Starswirl’s best hypothesis was that it was because too many creatures in Equestria recognized them because they were too well recognized by everypony.
This spell in particular had the same side effect on the royal guard unicorn ‘Anon.’ That unicorn was the only other pony to have tested Starswirl’s spell, which moderately improved that unicorn’s ability to use the Elements of Anonymity. Ultimately, the research into the Elements of Anonymity was abandoned, due to the effect that losing their identity had on the unicorn and their friends. Being an otherworldly creature to Equestria, Anon gained some knowledge of how to practice anonymity, but he had no connection to the Elements of Anonymity, and wanted to have nothing more to do with the book.
Anon thought, ‘Are you kidding me, Starswirl the ‘Braindead’? Warnings about magic spells should go before the spells themselves, especially if they’re triggered just by speaking them.’. He put the book in his suit pocket, then left the abandoned castle’s library, to look for fresh water, food, and alternate sources of shelter to the abandoned castle.
Anon eventually met with Princess Twilight Sparkle after many misadventures, and his hopes were raised when he heard there was a portal back to the universe with humans, with Twilight happy to see Anon returned to his kind and, more importantly, no longer Equestria’s problem. He left the ‘Elements of Anonymity’ book to Twilight, so that she could research a way to reverse the spell when she had free time.
Unfortunately, the world the portal connected to turned out to be a different universe with humans.
They were similar enough to call them humans, but their world was unfamiliar to him. The universe had computers and phones, but their universe didn’t seem to have equivalents of many of his favorite websites and apps. And the only form of alcohol sold in either universe was practically non-alcoholic. Not to mention how everybody looked on that side.
Anon was glad that every time he went through the portal, his outfit was unchanged, though his skin did turn a minty green, and his body’s proportions changed, throwing off his balance. It would have been horrible if he transformed into some sort of horse or worse when he crossed the portal.
But Anon had started solving those problems. A programmer that was also named Twilight Sparkle implemented his get-rich scheme, in exchange for his cooperation in investigating the trace amounts of magic of the Elements of Anonymity. Anon somewhat regretted his get-rich scheme every time he encountered anyone who gave him unrequested and inaccurate explanations of ‘Bit-coin’ and other blockchain technologies.
Then, Anon found an enterprising businessman who sold fake IDs, through an online advertisement, and obtained a fake ID that said his name was ’Anon A. Muss’, though his curse forced everyone he met to call him just Anon.
With Twilight’s help, Anon had also established a website where people could anonymously share joke financial advice on ‘stonks’ such as FCHF, and other miscellaneous things, such as memes and cat pictures. And with the small fortune he earned from speculating on the rise in the price of Bit-Coin, he provided venture capital for a retired chemistry teacher to establish a craft brewery and established the trademark ‘Crystal’s Best’. Malter Might had produced batches of a light ale that Anon could actually call mildly alcoholic.
After many moons in the human universe, Anon found himself dragged back by Equestria’s version of Twilight, and banned from returning to that universe until he learned his lesson, after a minor dispute with 𝐇𝐢𝐦 was brought to her attention.
Princess Twilight Sparkle explained that she was worried that Anon would do something unbelievably stupid, and cause a diplomatic problem between two universes.
Anon thought that she was overreacting. He could just keep his origins a secret.
Later, Princess Twilight Sparkle had told Anon that she gave up on researching the Elements of Anonymity. She explained to Anon that she was too famous to wield the power of Anonymity, and also because the side effects of the spells in the book could be disastrous. She promised to keep the book ‘somewhere safe.’
And apparently, the trace amounts of the magic of Anonymity from Starswirl’s spell may have been what caused him to be so reckless, impulsive, self-centered, and made him find it hard to let go of grudges.
Anon was annoyed, but there was a possibility that Twilight was right about some of those things. He was getting tired of being around nothing but horses, and would have still preferred to be back in the alternate Equestria with humans.
Thirty moons later, it was the day of the Princess Summit, which was coincidentally the same day that the portal would reopen. With Princess Twilight distracted, Anon had snuck into the Crystal Castle through an open window. In some places, he had to hide in closets, or crawl through air vents. In one place, he bumped into Flash Sentry while sprinting across a hallway, but Anon tricked that guard into thinking that Anon had permission to be in the castle. The last group of guards guarding the Crystal Mirror was drinking cider and playing a card game, and Anon just quietly strolled past them, disappointed in their complacency. When he arrived, he quickly checked on everybody he knew and dealt with some issues that popped up during his involuntary vacation to Equestria. Then, he booked a flight, and traveled to an airport..
After a long flight to another continent, Anon made a quick stop at the fish market, to pick out just the right trout, then took a Hoofer ride-share to the building that housed 𝐇𝐢𝐦. Anon grinned.
Suddenly and unexpectedly, Anon felt something horribly wrong with the world. He took a moment to ponder what had just happened. He quickly realized that every human he knew, whether they were a friend, enemy, celebrity, acquaintance, or otherwise, was now also named Anon, and just Anon, exactly like himself, and he couldn’t even use their original names to refer to them when speaking or thinking, no matter how hard he tried. After thinking about humans he knew in different ways, he concluded that the spell wasn’t quite the same magic curse that he was under, but it felt very similar.
Anon thought, Someone must have stolen that book from Twilight, and cast the spell to convert them into the Elements of Anonymity in this universe, or both? Fortuitously, he had taught a human all about Anonymity, and his student could fix this for him. Anon took out his cellphone, and dialed his fateful student, the purple smart Anon, and hastily sent out a text message. “Magic’s bucked. Everybody’s Anon now. Find the bearers of the Elements of Anonymity, and fix this. They’re probably at Canterlot High.“
Anon considered, Maybe Twilight was right, and this will be a disaster. This will probably cause so many problems for every human on Earth if it isn’t fixed, from small problems such as taking attendance, to much larger problems such as tax collection, payroll, all sorts of software problems, and identity fraud, and so on. I wish I remembered what the six Elements of Anonymity were, but the last time I read about them was years ago, and I forgot some of those. There’s definitely the Elements of Hiding and Disguise, but Twilight discovered those in less than an hour.
But he was Anon. He was an optimist, and had faith that his student in Anonymity could figure out how to use the rest of the Elements of Anonymity, and fix this on their own. And he was thousands of miles away from Canterlot High.
And nothing would get between Anon and his business with 𝐇𝐢𝐦. Not magic horse shenanigans, nor the multiple layers of security in the building. But he could wait a few minutes, in case his student had any questions for him.
Outside the front entrance of Canterlot High, the purple former alicorn Anon glared at a demonic Anon hovering in the air, and yelled, “How did you finish Starswirl’s spell?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know, princess!” The Demon Queen Anon, formerly known as Sunset Shimmer, had grown a tail, a pair of wings, and a magic horn. She hovered, gloating after taking every human’s names and special talents, which regrettably included the former unicorn’s own name. The long-forgotten former unicorn had also stolen Starswirl’s book, experimented with the spell, and had successfully transformed the Elements of Harmony into the six Elements of Anonymity. She was wearing a mask, which used to be the crown of the Element of Magic. With her possession of the newly transformed mask of Anonymity, Demon Queen Anon was one of the few humans that could be referred to with a proper capitalized title, rather than a nickname.
An Anon with rainbow colored hair reassured the purple Anon, “Don’t give up, princess Anon! There has to be something we can do to get everybody’s names and talents back!”
Demon Queen Anon cackled, and continued her speech, “You don’t have a chance of defeating me without your special talent of Magic, and you can’t use the Elements of Anonymity! Just face it, princess Anon. You’ve lost. I am your Queen now, and every-Anon will submit to me!”
Purple Princess Anon asked Demon Queen Anon, “By everybody, do you mean the students of Canterlot High?”
Demon Queen Anon cackled, then said, “Just Canterlot High? Hah! I took the names and talents of everybody in this world!”
The princess Anon inquired, “And what are you going to do after that?”
The Demon Queen Anon answered, “Since you have no way to stop me, I might as well tell you. The next thing I’ll do will be to establish the Army of Anonymity, take over Equestria, and take my rightful place as Queen of both of our worlds!“
The purple Anon asked, “You’re calling yourself Demon Queen Anon, and you aren’t acting like yourself! I think the Elements of Anonymity may be messing with your head!”
Demon Queen Anon remarked, “Oh, right. There was a silly little warning about that in the book that I saw, after I finished the spell. But guess what, princess. I don’t care.”
A distorted, crackling voice called out from the phone of a freckled Anon’s pocket, “I’m Anon.“ Startled, the freckled Anon took out her phone, to look at the video call, which had started without her even accepting it. The person on the other end wore a black and white mouse mask based on a famous mouse, green fabric covering their head and hair, a black and white suit, and a red tie. Holes were cut out of the thin fabric, and only their purple eyes could be seen. They announced, “You all can call me True Anon. Unlike the rest of you, I’ve been an Anon for years.“ The person scratched at their right ear. The freckled Anon turned her phone, so that she and most of the crowd could see the True Anon.
True Anon continued her speech, confidently, “We are Anon-… Really? I can’t say our organization’s title because of this stupid spell, but I can say place names? That’s ridiculous!“ True Anon huffed. “Fine. Just call us the ’rodent Anon collective’. We found out what the six Elements of Anonymity were, by looking through your school’s surveillance footage and reading through your notes, Demon Queen Anon!” They shook their head, and complained, “Your principal and vice-principal Anon should have changed the default password on your school’s surveillance system, and put up a firewall ages ago.“ They shook her head, then mentioned, reassuringly, “But don’t worry, I did your school a favor and changed the school’s password for you, and sent the new password to the principals.“
Demon Queen Anon inquired, “How did you find us so fast?“
The True Anon stated over the phone, “Weird magic readings are always from Canterlot High. Also, it was trending on Pacehoof, and it’s all over the news.“
Staying within the school, the miniature-tiara-wearing Anon glared the True Anon on the phone, opened the front door a bit, and objected by yelling, “Daddy renamed Facehoof months ago! It’s ‘P’, and just ‘P’! Get the name right!“
Demon Queen Anon covered her eyes and forehead with a claw, and sighed.
True Anon politely waited for the bickering to end.
Purple-haired scooter Anon rebutted, “’P’? That name is way too silly, filly. Why did your dad have to acquire Facehoof, change everything, and…“
The tiara-wearing Anon yelled, “Shut up, scoot-Anon! Nobody cares, and stop trying to make filly catch on! You’re just jealous of my dad, you orphan chicken!“
Scooter Anon frowned and yelled, “For the last time, I’m not an orphan! My parents tourist Anon and other tourist Anon just spend a lot of time traveling!“ She stamped her legs, and stated with conviction, “They’re in Caneighda right now!“
Stuck up Anon shook her head, rolled her eyes, and scoffed. “As if. That’s what you said about your boyfriend.“
Demon Queen Anon ended the argument by tearing off the wall and glass doors of the school to intimidate the two younger bickering Anons, and pulled the wall towards herself. She yelled, “Shut up, or you’ll both be fried chicken!”
The Demon Queen Anon smirked, and proclaimed, “I’ve changed my mind. ’True Anon’. After I create my Army of Anonymity, the first thing I’ll do is find you, and banish you and the leaders of your ’rodent Anon collective’ to the sun!“.
The masked True Anon giggled, and stated, “You can’t. ’Rodent Anon collective’ has no leaders. We are legion. And there’s no way you can catch me. I’m behind 7 proxies! Anyway, we have…“
A group of Anons watched as an unmasked, blue Anon walked behind True Anon on the phone’s screen, and True Anon looked back at him. An older blue Anon turned to the camera, stared at True Anon, and, with his voice distorted by True Anon’s sound setup, asked, “Why are you wearing my old suit, pillowcase, and that cartoon mouse mask, sweetie? And even though everybody’s named Anon, the school board said that school isn’t cancelled.“ True Anon rubbed the back of her neck, and said, “Quit it, dad, I’m filming, uh, a student film project! I’ll be done in under five minutes!“ The dad strolled away, and said “Okay. Have fun!“
There was an awkward pause.
Demon Queen Anon laughed, “Is this what I’m up against? You fools have no chance!”
An Anon wondered out loud, “That man looks familiar.“
True Anon waved their arms, and yelled, “No he doesn’t! Just ignore him! That was… a deepfake! It was just a prank!“
“Anyway,“ The True Anon resumed their speech, “You may be called Anon like everybody else, Demon Queen Anon, but you’ve lost your connections to the Elements of Anonymity; Everybody knows what you did, what you look like, and what you sound like, which isn’t the true meaning of Anonymity! And we have the Elements of Anonymity right here with us!“
Unable to use their real names due to Demon Queen Anon’s spell, True Anon attempted to follow the spirit of the Elements of Anonymity and announced the group with rude, silly nicknames. Meanwhile, the hovering Demon Queen Anon looked down upon them with contempt, and rolled their eyes. “I’d like to see you try.”
True Anon proclaimed, “Fussy dressmaker Anon is the Element of Disguise! For all the theater costumes and disguises she apparently worked on!“
Dressmaker Anon stomped her legs and fussed, “I’m not fussy!“
“Reckless rainbow Anon is the Element of Danger! For all these reckless stunts I read about online!“
Reckless rainbow Anon raised a fist, and yelled at the screen, “Hey! I dare you to say that to my face, phone Anon.“
Most of her allies failed to find the nicknames endearing.
True Anon continued, “Pink class clown Anon is the Element of…“
Class clown Anon waved her arms, and interrupted, “Doing It For The Giggles!“
True Anon ignored this, and continued rudely announcing the Elements, “Appleloosan accent Anon is the Element of Leaking Information! I see so many complaints about the times she snitched on social media.“
Country accent Anon drawled, “Now wait just a darned second. Ah’m from Apple-acia, not Appleloosa. They’re completely different, ya hear!“
“Quiet pushover Anon is the Element of Hiding! Wait, where’d she go?“
Quiet Anon responded, as crouched behind the somewhat fast Anon to hide from Demon Queen Anon, “Eep!“
The five humans and the phone began to float, and glowed.
Demon Queen Anon cackled while magically hovering and glowing. She mocked True Anon, “Fool! Your plan won’t work. You don’t have the sixth Element of Anonymity.“
The purple princess Anon who stood next the group of five asked, “Quick! Tell us what it is, True Anon! We can help!”
True Anon loudly declared, “The sixth element of Anonymity was within me all along, and it was within this group of five friends that I’ve never met in my life! It is… The Element of Payback!“
The phone, as well the True Anon displayed on its screen, glowed like the other five Anon Element Bearers, and the magic of True Anon’s Element of Payback flowed through seven proxies.
Their ears transformed into round, mouse-like ears, and a long, thin braid of hair resembling a mouse’s tail grew from the group of five anons, and the True Anon. The rainbow Anon and the quiet Anon grew bat-like wings.
Funny Accent Anon turned up her phone’s volume to maximum volume, and True Anon loudly proclaimed over the phone, “Together with the mask they create a power beyond anything you can imagine. And it is a power you have no idea how to use or control. The mask that used to be the Element of Magic may be on your face, Demon Queen Anon, but you do not possess what is now the most powerful magic of Earth. The magic of Anonymity!”
The power of Demon Queen Anon’s mask unexpectedly drained into Funny Accent Anon’s phone.
The students floated in a green glow, and joined hands in a circle, holding a phone. Rainbow beams flew out of the five humans and the phone, combined, and swirled around the Demon Queen Anon.
The Demon Queen Anon yelled out, “What is happening?”, before she blast hit her and her surroundings, and she turned into a statue. The statue fell, and landed in one piece at the bottom of a dry, cracked, scorching hot crater left by the blast of Anonymity. After everybody realized that they got their names and special talents back, they cheered. A group of five friends also settled to the ground, and the mask turned back into the crown of the Element of Magic, settled atop the statue’s head.
Princess Twilight Sparkle had a lot of questions to ask the unbelievably rude ‘True Anon’ about the Elements of Anonymity and what the hay just happened. The ‘True Anon’ sounded much smarter than the Anon she knew from Equestria.
While Sunset Shimmer hadn’t hurt anyone directly after becoming a Demon Queen, she had unintentionally caused a significant amount of anguish and havoc, due to the spell itself.
After all, everyone in that universe’s Earth had discovered that they, their family, and everyone they knew or loved were all named Anon, that they were no longer good at their special talents, and many feared the Anon phenomenon would be permanent. Many individuals had panicked despite, or because of, the urging of various governments to stay calm and carry on. Only a tiny fraction of the people in the world had overreacted in the short time period it took to undo Sunset Shimmer’s spell, but that was still an enormous amount of people.
Twilight Sparkle turned off the video call, disconnected from seven proxies, then took off her Anon-Mice disguise, and looked at the assorted sensors around her and checked the readings. She had so much data about the magic of the Elements of Anonymity to research! Hopefully, her mentor in anonymity was having good luck with whatever wacky thing he was doing on Earth this time. She’d check the news and her messages, after she finished analyzing all this new data.
Elsewhere, the True True Anon noticed that he could remember everybody else’s names. Because he didn’t want any more distractions from his mission due to magic horse weirdness, he hadn’t bothered checking the news, and nobody had sent him any messages.
Anon prepared to enter the building. He discovered the building used the cheap and widely used Pony-opticon brand Internet of Things surveillance system. But, that brand had famously poor security among those who paid attention to such things, between being publicly accessible over the internet by default, having default admin credentials, and many other software vulnerabilities. Anon and Twilight both had apps to access them without authorization, and do all sorts of things, though Twilight was more responsible about it than Anon. After making the surveillance system play recorded video in a loop, he snuck past several groups of guards, and once again, crawled through a ventilation system to break into a locked room.
Then, he sang a song to a tune he felt appropriate for commemorating his student having restored everyone’s names and special talents.
A True True Anon will slap a man with glee,
A fish will be there to help them see.
The True True Anon finally slapped 𝐇𝐢𝐦 in the face with a fresh, firm, foot-long trout, then continued cheerfully singing while skipping away.
A True True Anon will slap a man with glee,
𝐇𝐞’𝐥𝐥 see the light that shines from a true slap spree.
Baffled, 𝐇𝐞 pushed a button on a speakerphone, and said,
Um, hello? Security, get in here?“
Anon had been caught and arrested, shortly after the rest of his song finished, and he faced multiple charges, including, but not limited to, identity theft, trespassing, battery, and littering. The local police officers and judiciary were infuriated by his inconsistent fake IDs, his lack of fingerprints, and his insistence that his name continued to be just ’Anon’, with no family or middle names.
Despite his arrest, Anon was still happy with how his day was going so far, and he planned to escape from his holding cell somehow. He planned to start with a phone call to his student.
Author's Note
The ending is set at the time of the first Equestria Girls movie.
The ending song has the tune of "A True, True Friend"
This is a work of random pony fanfiction set in the Equestria Girls universe. Any resemblance to any individuals, organizations, entities, or events is coincidental. Opinions and actions of characters do not reflect the views of the author.
"𝐇𝐢𝐦" is not referring to any specific human; I just found the idea of that much emphasis and mystery around an unknown human's name in a story memorable and funny. Given parts of this story, please remember https://www.fimfiction.net/rules in the comments, and please avoid mentioning real people in comments.
