She will be there. She has to be.
I lie in our bed, unwilling to open my eyes. It's been the same routine for weeks. An hour of pretending, if I kept my eyes closed long enough, that she would be there when I opened them. That she would still be… I bite back another sob, unable to handle another bout of tears.
I'm supposed to be the tough one, the cool pony who doesn't let anything affect her. Lately, though, I don't feel like Rainbow Dash anymore. I feel like a never-ending storm cloud, cursed to ruin everything it touches. Enduring emotions I once blissfully never knew existed.
She was my everything, now… she's this massive hole in my heart. I never thought I could live without her. Well, I wouldn't consider this living… I'd consider this the worst pain I've ever felt. Worse than any physical pain I've ever experienced.
I dare not move from my position in the bed, for it might upset the strings holding up my heart - or what's left of it. Any movement might confirm her non-existence, and I can't have that. She is there. She has to be.
I never thought anything like this would happen to us. We were invincible, we were heroes, we were in love. We had everything ahead of us and nothing to be afraid of. At least that's what we thought…
How could this even happen? How can the world be so cruel? Why wasn't it me? The questions never stop, and never make it feel better. I know that there is nothing I can do to change the past, no matter how many times I beg Twilight or Celestia.
They said it would get better, but they didn't know the connection we had. It only got worse. The more time she's not there, the more pain I'm in. I've got this same routine, this same pain every morning.
Getting up doesn't change anything. She's still gone, and I'm still alone. No, I'll stay in bed, keep my eyes closed, and pretend I'm still not broken. For another minute… another hour…
I sometimes consider getting up. I still know where everything is in our room. I haven't dared move anything since she left. How could I? How could I risk erasing even a smudge of her presence?
I have trotted around enough with my eyes closed to know where everything was. Maybe if I could manifest the memory of her, of the way things had been when she was here, I could call her back from… I didn't want to think about where she had gone.
I've sat at her makeup desk and stared at myself in the mirror so many times, imagining all the ways she used to dress me up and do my makeup. I used to give her a hard time, but I loved it so much. How much would I give to just do it once more with her? To do anything once more with her?
That makeup desk is where I've been closest to what could be considered happy since she… I would probably have smiled if Fluttershy let me keep my eyes closed for more than five seconds. She tried so hard, but she isn't her…
They all tried, but none of it helped. Not Fluttershy doing my makeup. Not Pinkie throwing me a party. Not Twilight reading me Daring Do. Not Applejack challenging me to a competition. They all cared, but they can't replace her.
They would never admit it, but I think a few of them are judging me. I saw it in their eyes the first time they saw me wearing one of her dresses. I was just trying to feel something… anything. I can't help that I loved her so much.
Fluttershy has started asking a lot of questions when she comes over to help me change dresses. I don't answer any of them, it's too painful. It's hard enough pointing out the dress I want to wear.
At least Fluttershy still talks to me. Can't say the same for Pinkie Pie. I'm sure she will come around, but I did ruin the one thing that felt like it was helping me. The few times Pinkie held me at night were nice, at least for the minutes I thought she was her. The illusion and our friendship shattered the second I accidentally kissed Pinkie.
Scootaloo comes and sees me every day. She still looks up to me, somehow. I don't know how she can smile at me, I'm a wreck. But she's the only pony that can get me to eat. Her presence seems to help.
Sweetie Belle is still staying here. I think it's only for me, though. Sometimes I think she is the only pony that understands me, since she was her sister. She only puts on a brave face when the door is open. I can hear her crying at night, and I think she can hear mine.
Twilight checks on me almost daily, but only stays as long as I don't beg her. She tries to make me smile, and sometimes I want to, but I could never force it. She mentions stuff she's read in books, about healing and getting over things, but I can't get my mind off her.
Applejack comes around when her chores aren't taking up too much of her time. We don't talk about much, but it's nice to not be alone. She brings me desserts and cider to try to cheer me up. It almost helps, but I usually give the sweets to Sweetie Belle.
I sigh as I resign that I can't stay in bed forever. She will be there. She has to be.
As I'm about to open my eyes and face the reality I know is awaiting me, a hoof reaches over me and holds me tight.
"I love you, Rarity," I say as the tears started to fall.
"I love you too, Rainbow Dash."
