Clones Can't Do đđĄđđ
Princess Twilight Sparkle had developed a spell to transfer memories to a Mirror Pool clone after a lot of research and trial and error. Normally, she would only use it for the sake of Chaldea, a top secret government organization for research and development, as well as preventing any apocalypses. The organization was hidden in Mt Everhoof, and was surrounded by a giant magic barrier that kept it hidden, and protected its contents from the effects of time travel spells, such as the one Starlight Glimmer had repeatedly used when she had caused apocalypses in the past.
Chaldea was filled with clones of Twilight and a few other magic experts such as Starswirl the Bearded, as well as a few interns, because the clones of geniuses had all refused to spend time on the necessary but less important tasks. Chaldea had made several major advances in Equestriaâs magic and technology already. For example, they had discovered that light and other particles actually acted both as a light and a wave, through variations of the double slit experiment, and solved several previously unsolved magic hypothesis. As the Princess of Friendship, Twilight Sparkle would never use the Mirror Pool to create any more clones for something that wasnât an emergency.
But Pinkie Pie had been bothering her for hours!
Pinkie Pie complained, âBut Twilight, this is a gingerbread house emergency! Gummy went all mini-Godzilla and ate and smashed my gingerbread replica of Canterlot, so thereâs now no way I can finish it in time for the fundraiser auction at the Grand Galloping Gala. Can you teleport us to the Mirror Pool, make just one clone of me, and teach her how to be as good as me at baking gingerbread houses with your magic?â
Princess Twilight Sparkle frowned, and said, âDidnât you learn a lesson about not cloning yourself?â
Pinkie argued, âOf course I did! That lesson was about learning to choose who to spend my time with! Itâs different this time! Itâs for the Grand Galloping Gala, and for charity!â
Twilight Sparkle said, âI canât risk losing one of my friends again. I could have sent the real Pinkie Pie to the Mirror Pool because you were unlucky. Thereâs no way to prove that this is safe.â
âI mean, I think Iâm the real Pinkie Pie? Wait, I need to be sure of all of thisâŚâ Pinkie Pie took a rotary phone out of her mane, and dialed a number, and rapidly asked, âHi, is this the Oracle of Delpony? Great! This number costs five bits a second? And you already knew Iâd accept the charges? Well, I wanted to ask⌠Nothing bad happens to anypony today if I clone myself? And am I really the original⌠Iâm me, Iâm me, Iâm me! Can I⌠What? I ran out of prophecies? Ok! Bye!â
Twilight Sparkle said, âI still donât think you can convince me.â
âPlease! Please Please Please Please Pleaaaaaaaaaase, Twilight!â
Pinkie Pie managed to convince Twilight that using the Mirror Pool clone and transferring her memories would be fine, and Pinkie agreed to have her clone banished at the end of this. Unfortunately, having more than one hyperactive pink pony running around was probably the point where some ponies would snap, and Twilight expected civil unrest if a clone acted like Pinkie Pie. And Pinkie Pie and her clones tended to be able to get into places that should be impossible to get into, and Twilight worried the clone would make lots more clones of themselves again.
The perky pair of Pinkie Pies presented the perfect gingerbread replica Canterlot replica in time, and the Grand Galloping Gala went without any major incidents. One Pinkie focused on baking and assembling the gingerbread, and the other specialized in everything else, such as making candy decorations, furniture, and model ponies.
Both Pinkie Pie returned to the rental house in Canterlot, and Twilight was preparing to dispel the Mirror Pool clone. Twilight asked, âWhich of you is the clone?â
The Pinkie Pies argued, âIâm the real Pinkie Pie!â
âNo, Iâm the real Pinkie Pie! At least I think I am?â
âAre we going to watch paint dry again, Twilight?â
âCan this wait until after we get something to eat? I already ordered takeout!â
Twilight groaned, and asked, âYou ordered food, here? The cloning was supposed to be a secret! What if the deliverypony sees you? Anyway, I made a flowchart covering almost every possible Mirror Pool clone scenario!â Twilight pulled out a giant flowchart from her saddlebags, unfolded it, then spread it out on the large table. âAnd obviously, that wonât work a second time if she has all of your memories, and youâre one of the Elements of Harmony, so I have to be super-careful. I discovered thatâŚâ
A blue-eyed, light greyish pink pony in black dress pants and a white dress shirt knocked, and opened the unlocked door. âIâm Finger Food, and I brought the Super Eats for somepony called 'Baker Fake'! Five Maneican food party combos! With tacos, corn on the cob with every seasoning, kombucha, and no quesadillas and no cheese whatsoever, as ordered! Where is everypony?â She dropped the boxes she was carrying on the floor, and trembling, and said. âPrincess Twilight Sparkle.â Finger Food glanced at the enormous flowchart, then looked at the two Pinkie Pies and frowned.
Twilight said, âYou donât have to be nervous. And you can just call me Twilight. And itâs actually for Pinkie Pie, she was pretty hungry.â
Pinkie Pies giggled. One said, "Get it? Because it's a fake name, I'm a baker, and we picked out nicknames?" She looked around, and saw that only the other Pinkie laughed. She sighed, and said, "Tough crowd."
Finger Food got up, and looked away from the ponies, then glanced at the flowchart.
âHey! This flowchart is classified!â Twilight yelled, then used her telekinesis to turn it away from the caterer, fold it up and put it away in her saddlebags.
Both Pinkie Pies picked the stacks of boxes with the Maneican food off of the floor, and yelled, âThanks!â The Pinkie Pies started eating the Maneican food and watched an awkward conversation between a princess and a caterer unfold. âThis is good!â, one yelled, while still chewing. Another yelled, âBut itâs not as good as authentic Maneican food!â. The first agreed, âYep!â
Twilight turned to Pinkie Pie and continued, âAnyways, Pinkie Pie, I discovered that Mirror Pool clones canât sneeze! Isnât that fascinating?â
âWait.â Finger Food looked at Twilight with open eyes, and blurted out, âHow in the buck did you find that out? That wasnât in your book about the one other time anypony used the Mirror Pool.â
âOops.â Twilight pawed her forehooves on the ground and narrowed her eyes and flattened her ears. âUh⌠the answer to that is also classified.â Twilight brought her forehoof to her eye. âYou better Pinkie Promise, or you can look forward to leaking government secrets on the moon!â She paused, and remarked. âIâm starting to sound like Celestia.â
The caterer frowned, and asked, âIs that an order?â
Twilight ordered, âYes. You just have to say âCrossâŚâ
Finger Food scowled, huffed, and interrupted her, then bitterly vowed, âI know what a Pinkie Promise is; Your book mentioned it. I wonât mention anything about clones not sneezing to anypony who doesnât already know and whatever the hay youâre doing with or to Mirror Pool clones. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.â, and unenthusiastically brought her empty right forehoof to an inch in front of her eye. She turned to Twilight and asked, âAm I dismissed?â She brought a forehoof to her chin, in thought and asked, âActually, I had a question about clonesâŚâ
Twilight interrupted, âItâs all top secret! And there might be another angry mob if you tell anypony before I can banish the clone. I need you to stay here, and help take notes.â
âAm I being detained?â The grey pink caterer paused, shook her head, then complained, âI wonât do this for free. One hundred bits. I have student loans to pay.â
âFine.â Twilight stated, âThatâs way too much for something that should take five minutes tops, but Iâll just take it out of Chaldeaâs miscellaneous expense budget if it gets you to stop whining about it.â
Pinkie Pie interrupted, âAnd you should have some pie! Itâs butterscotch cinnamon! My Pinkie Sense told me I should bake some! Everypony loves pie!â
The caterer stated, âIâd prefer not to. Iâm on a diet.â
Pinkie Pie yelled, âI insist! Just a teensy-weensy piece.â
The caterer picked up a pie cutter from the long dining room table.
Pinkie Pie asked, âHuh. Finger Food⌠Do I know you from somewhere? I could throw you a âThanks for the Maneican foodâ Party after this!â
Finger Food remarked, âNo need. Iâm just visiting,â then cut herself a tiny slice of pie, and ate it.
Twilight levitated a clipboard and quill over to the caterer, then dictated, âFinger, take the experimental records.â
Finger Food picked up the clipboard and quill in her mouth, then backed away while watching the group of ponies, then stood at the other end of the dining room table, with the hallway behind her.
Twilight dictated, âExperiment number one. Iâll tickle them with a feather under their noses.â She levitated two clean quills out of their original packaging, and attempted to tickle the two smiling Pinkie Pies under their noses.
Neither of them reacted. âNope! I just donât feel like sneezing, Twilight.â
âSame! Maybe you need to tickle us without magic?â
The caterer wrote down the results.
âThat shouldnât make a difference!â Twilight groaned, then announced, âOkay, experiment number two! Pepper will make almost anypony sneeze!â
She levitated a pepper shaker above the two Pinkie Pies, turned it upside down, and started shaking it, dripping it on the two Pinkie Pies, who looked up at it, while they stood perfectly still.
Ten seconds later, a Pinkie Pie yelled, âThis experiment is super boring!â She waved her forehooves at the end of her sentence, which smashed the pepper shaker, scattering glass and pepper across the room, towards the caterer, who ducked.
Twilight sneezed, then said, âWell, that didnât work.â
There was an awkward pause.
A Pinkie Pie sneezed. âHey! That was my Pinkie Sense! I sneeze when someponyâs really, really mad at me!â
The pepper-coated caterer shrugged, and stated neutrally, âIt wasnât me. This is fine. Was it Twilight?â
Twilight stated, âItâs just Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie. Iâm used to it.â
The other Pinkie Pie yelled, âMaybe somepony was hiding and spying on us!â
Finger Food kept a neutral expression, while she filled out the rest of the notes for the second experiment, keeping a firm grip on her quill.
Twilight continued, âExperiment number three. I have a magic spell thatâll make almost anypony sneeze. Donât look so worried, Finger Food. Iâm only casting it on those two. I wouldnât want to get your outfit dirty.â
Twilightâs horn glowed, and both Pinkie Pies lit up. The same Pinkie Pie sneezed a second time.
Finger Food finished writing something down.
The only Pinkie Pie that hadnât sneezed so far pleaded, âWait! Pinkie Senses could be an exception to that rule about being unable to sneeze? And maybe youâre just really bad at making anypony sneeze?â She exclaimed, âOh, I know! If youâre trying to prove that youâre good at tickling ponies, you should try to disprove it as hard as you can, and fail! I Triple Diamond Dog Dare you to make that caterer sneeze, Twilight!â
The caterer dropped the clipboard, then stomped her hooves, and her ears flicked up as she glared at the Pinkie that brought it up, then blurted out, âWhat the buck is wrong with you! Hay no! That wasnât in the job description.â She exhaled, then took a deep breath, and rapidly scratched at her neck with the forehoof holding the quill, which added ink droplets to her already messy coat and mane, which started to resemble a dull black, pink, and light grey expressionist Packson Pollock painting. She opened her mouth, paused for a few seconds, then closed it, and looked around the room and back at Twilightâs horn.
The only Pinkie Pie with mucous running down her nose, looked at the Pinkie Pie clone next to her, starting a lively back and forth debate. âYouâre obviously the clone.â
The dry-nosed clone frowned, then yelled, âAre not!â
âAre too!â
âAre not!â
âAre too!â
âAre not!â
âAre not!â
âAre too!â The dry-nosed Pinkie Pie rubbed the back of her neck, and giggled, âOops, I admitted it. Actually, that wasnât an admission, but saying that âI admitted itâ was an admission. I really should have just said something else instead.â
Twilight prepared to dispel the clone, having gotten multiple sources of evidence pointing to the same Pinkie being a clone. Twilightâs horn lit up, and she blasted the banishment spell towards the clone. The caterer ducked behind a cabinet, and Pinkieâs clone dodged before the spell could hit.
The clone reappeared, hanging from a chandelier from her back hooves, suddenly fully dressed in an apron and a bakerâs outfit which hid her cutie mark, then gleefully sang, âIâll run so, so fast and beware. Youâll never catch me, Iâm the Gingerbread Mare! Iâll run from the baker and Twilight too. Youâll never catch me, not any of you! Iâll have so much fun and Iâll hobnob. Youâll never catch me, my fun you canât rob!â
âI'll catch you if itâs the last thing I do!â, Twilight yelled. Stubbornly, Twilight continued blasting the spell dozens of times, very careful to aim all of her blasts away from the real Pinkie Pie, who was giggling at the unfolding events on the floor. Unfortunately, the clone dodged every time, then somehow vanished from the room without any indication of where she went. Having overused the banishing spell by casting it dozens of times in a few seconds, Twilightâs head and horn began to throb.
âUgh.â Twilight turned, and reassured the caterer, who was still hiding behind the cupboard. âYou donât need to worry. That spell would only affects ponies who have clones from the Mirror Pool, though now that I think of it, you might have had nightmares if you actually saw Pinkie Pieâs clone turn into a bloated blob.â
âBlob?â Finger Food asked, not aware of that step of the banishing spell. âUh⌠I think I left the oven on.â The sweaty, shivering, blue-eyed, light greyish pink caterer sprinted out into the hallway, having concluded her job.
Pinkie stood on her hind legs, raised her forelegs, and yelled, âUgh, I hate when that happens! Those ponies at the utility company never lower the billsâŚâ Pinkie Pie shook her head, then rapidly yelled down the hallway, âSpeaking of which, you forgot your bits! And I forgot your name! And I think Twilight knows a spell to clean your coat and mane! All that pepper and ink makes you like a slob!â
Twilight said, âPinkie, let it go. We need to get everypony to find this âGingerbread Mareâ, before everypony overreacts again, and thereâs another angry mob.â
âMob?â Spike inquired, as he entered the house, letting go of the doorknob. He closed the door behind him, chewing on a gemstone kebab.
Pinkie Pie picked up some corn and pondered, âOn second thought, it doesnât seem like that big of a deal if my clone calls herself the âGingerbread Mareâ and all she does is hide and make food. I donât think she hated you or anything, and she has all my memories? I mean, I donât hate you.â before she rapidly spun and ate the corn on the cob.
Twilight Sparkle reassured Pinkie Pie, âMaybe? And donât worry, Pinkie. That caterer should be back soon, when she remembers she forgot to pick up the bits for the delivery, plus another hundred bits for her unexpected job.â
âJob?â Spike swallowed a mouthful of gem shards, then questioned, looked at the unfamiliar hoofwriting on a filled out clipboard, and clenched a claw, âWhat the hay, Twilight? You gave an owl my night job, and now you give a delivery mare my day job?â
Twilight reassured her assistant as she reviewed the recorded observations on the clipboard. âDonât worry, Spike. That was probably just a one-time thing. And youâre acting like a snob!â
Spike frowned, and asked, âTwilight. How am I being a snob?â
Twilight lectured, âYou shouldnât assume too much about ponies youâve never met. Iâm sure that Fidget or Finder or whatever her name was has many talents outside her job.â
Pointing at her assistant, Twilight dictated, âAnyway, Spike, take a letter. Dear Princess Celestia, Today I learned that cloning Pinkie Pie is always a mistake. But maybe I overreacted, and I didnât have to send every Pinkie Pie back to the Mirror Pool. That clone of Pinkie Pie might be able to keep herself from annoying everypony and get a stable job, without angering a mob!â
ââŚmob!â, Spike repeated the last word of Twilightâs letter out loud as he finished writing it down on a scroll, then exhaled and sent the letter to Princess Celestia in a burst of green flame, using the unique special talent needed for his job.
Twilight smiled, and ordered, âAnd after this friendship lesson, we need to make a new edition of that flowchart, in case somepony else ever breaks into the Mirror Pool and uses that spell!â Spike remembered just how much time was needed to write the massive flowchart for dealing with Mirror Pool clones, and the claw cramp that all the writing caused. Spike covered his eyes and knelt on the floor, then started to quietly sob.
Author's Note
Feedback on the story is appreciated.
Author's notes and joke references can be found at the story's blog post.
This is a less serious comedy spin-off showing the clones' actions but not their thoughts. An overview of the series is in this blog post
The caterer reappears in another story, "Pinkie Pie's Evil Clone Saves Equestria".
