"Ugh."
Hi, I'm Fifty-Seven and I'm a brony. Not a very good one at that either, I can't draw, write or make music. So when I got sucked into Equestria for an adventure, I thought, as anyone would in this situation.
"What a naff, contrived, un-inspired, way to start a piece of horrible fan-fiction."
Little did I know, I was absolutely right.
"Where am I?" I asked to no-one in-particular. "Ponyville. Great. It's like we're getting right into the clichés, good to know."
I got to my hooves, unsurprised that I was now in fact a horse. I was a grey unicorn with a similar build to Braeburn and black mane which had a single purple stripe through it. My cutie-mark was the roman numerals for 57, which I thought uninspired and whoever was writing this human-in-Equestria story was obviously a bigger idiot than I first thought. Then I realised it was probably me, so I shut up.
And I do mean shut up, I had in fact been examining my new pony body, out loud and it would seem my listing of bland OC delights had caught quite a crowd of background ponies. This made me feel kind of special until I realised how nonchalant your average background could be in their selection of which events are worthwhile (many of them will in fact turn up several times simultaneously to even the most mundane of occasions).
I looked around for ponies I recognised but alas, no mane six, no CMC, no Lyra, Bon-Bon, Berry Punch, Dr Hooves or Derpy. I decided that I should commend the author of the fan-fic I was in for not being predictable in that fashion, but then I realised how dull this human in Equestria story would get if no recognisable ponies appeared.
Pushing through the crowd of generally boring background ponies, I decided I should head to the closest recognisable landmark, Sugarcube corner.
"Hello, dearie," I heard Mrs Cake call. "New in town?"
"Yes, actually I was looking for Pinkie Pie." I immediately regretted this; everyone knows the only thing worse than bad human-in-Equestria fan-fiction was bad comedy human-in-Equestria fan fiction.
"I haven't seen her all day," Mrs Cake replied. "Sorry."
"Okay, thanks." I said disappointed , despite my pride.
I wandered aimlessly for a bit, "well I guess I’m going to have to make my mind up, am I going to be a willing participant in this... thing, or am I going to be cynical about everything." It was a tough decision, on the one hand I guess I was living the dream, on the other hand I do love to complain.
Eventually I decided to try and enjoy myself and headed back to Ponyville; only to find twilight's library shut, sweet apple acres locked and rarity's boutique closed.
"Well Dashie's out of the question for obvious reasons, I guess that leaves Fluttershy," I felt a twinge of guilt, I didn't want to impose on Fluttershy, I saw how she was to twilight in Episode 1 so how would she be to a colt? I decided to concentrate on happier things, like the fact I was lost in Ponyville. Wait, what? Lost. In Ponyville? But it's so small isn’t it? I looked around for familiar landmarks, but there was nothing recognisable to be found.
"This is ridiculous," my hind slumped to the ground out of weariness. "Actually, that was a long paragraph, I’m surprised whoever was writing this rubbish had that long of an attent-"
My 4th wall breaking musings were rudely interrupted by being stabbed in the back however.
"Oh, I’m so sorry," My would-be assassin apologised, flicking her minty mane out of her golden yellow eyes. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah, I’m fine," I eventually replied after several seconds of stunned silence, "I'm just glad unicorn horns are relatively blunt."
The pony, now in front of me, chuckled. "Are you new in town? I've never seen you before."
"Yeah, I'm Fifty-Seven."
"That's a bit of a strange name." I'm sure Lyra wanted to say un-inspired, I certainly did. "My names Heartstrings, I’ll see you around Fifty-Seven."
"See you."
I watched the unicorn walk away, and then it hit me.
"Damn, I didn't ask her the way to Fluttershy's house."
After a while of sitting in the middle of nowhere because I was the main character and the plot was just going to have to come to me, I decided that I should probably go insane.
"There you are. I've been looking for you." A voice said.
"Ooh a mysterious disembodied voice; it's been a while since this story ripped off through the eyes of another pony." I said. I was surprised at how quickly I learnt to communicate telepathically but then I remembered this was probably due to plot convenience rather than any talent of my own.
"Hello to you too."
"If you're going to tell me some exposition or send me out on a quest please do so concisely without hesitation, repetition or deviation."
"How about I show you?"
"If you do it quickly."
Suddenly I was engulfed in what looked a lot like a Photoshop lens flare. I had only time to say the word "tacky" before I disappeared into a sea of endless white.
***
"Where the Everfree Forest am I?" I said before realising what a horrific thing to say that was. "Why would I say something like that?"
"It was foretold." The Unknown Voice Replied.
"What? Where? Why? By Whom?" I said.
"Everything is foretold here on the sacred white plane, it is unknown who wrote these prophecies or why they did it. One thing is certain though, everything written here becomes true."
I stared into the endless white distance; this was too heavy a plot device for Chapter 2. As I stared I became aware of innumerable lines of text covering the whiteness.
"How did I not see any of this before?" I was even more confused; I eventually decided to read the words rather than just stare at them.
"Bloody Hell! It says here that I say "Bloody Hell!"" I said.
"Indeed, I believe that is my signal to point out that you saying "Bloody Hell! It says here that I say “Bloody Hell!"" is my signal to say "Indeed, I believe that is my signal to point out that-""
"It says here that I interrupt you by saying "It says here that I interrupt you by-"" I stopped reading the seemingly omniscient words to preserve my sanity.
"It may be a bit late for that." The voice said. It had seemingly not stopped reading.
"What is this?" I said, massaging my head with my hoof.
"I'm sure you'll figure it out soon. I read ahead."
Suddenly I realised what it was, out of plot convenience rather than anything else.
"So you've brought me to the .txt file for the fanfiction which we are currently in right now. Why?"
"It says here that I was going to, so I did."
"Oh for Celestia's sake, why would I write this meta garbage?"
The voice sounded as though it was about to ask me how i knew i was the author. But it didn't because i decided against puttign it in the story as it was frankly out fo charicter for im and only an excuse for me to say:
"I knew It was going to be me, characters in these stories are always self-insertion, and besides I just wrote that I knew that was the author making me know that I was the author." I bashed my head against a nearby wall which had appeared due the fact that I had written that I bashed my head on it. “You know what? I’m just going to stop, this is frankly a pathetic attempt at being a clever fanfiction writer on my part and I am thoroughly ashamed of it. This is worse than that time I made that horrible YouTube video.”
"I have to go now my, home planet needs me." The mysterious voice said, after reading that I had just written him out of the story.
***
And then I “woke up in the hospital” because “I had been in a coma” and was unable of thinking of any good endings.
