It's A Lovemergency

by Neotheater

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Starlight Glimmer, Romance, Trixie, Comedy, Profanity, Sunburst, Slice of Life, Sex, Thorax, Flash Sentry
Length: 4275

Somepony has a crush on Sunburst. It could kill them. Not figuratively.

Love is one of the most powerful forms of magic there is. It's also one of the most dangerous, and Sunburst may have lost track of some love poison he had lying around. This could only go well, of course.

Published 2024-04-30 02:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-04-30 02:10:00 UTC

we could've solved this in 5 minutes

Starlight ran at full speed, casting teleportation spells to weave through the Crystal Empire as quickly as possible. She'd only received a royal summons from Cadance and Shining Armor a few hours prior, and she'd hopped on the next train out of Ponyville right away.

Though, she had to say—as she blasted herself through the city, there didn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary. Why would she receive an urgent royal summons if the crystal ponies were fine? And why not summon Twilight?

Nevertheless, the lavender unicorn kept her strides brisk. With a final wisp of magic, Starlight was at the front gates of the crystal castle, greeted by a squadron of royal guards.

She didn't bother asking them any questions. If they were anything like Celestia's guards back in Canterlot, they weren't big conversationalists.

As they escorted her deeper into the heart of the castle, Starlight couldn't help but notice a pony that stuck out to her severely. While most of the guards' armor was a silvery blue in hue, his was golden. He also appeared to be the only one with a piercing dangling from his ear, but only on one side.

Starlight stared quizzically at it. Out of uniform, it was likely a stylistic choice, but it just looked odd. Why would you wear that around the castle?

Before Starlight could think any further, she was stepping into the throne room.

"Princess Cadance," Starlight said, bowing. "I received your summons."

Cadance smiled, looking rougher than ever. Her hair was tangled in knots, her eyebags seemed to have created their OWN eyebags, and her feathers needed a serious preening.

"Please, no need for the formalities. I'm glad you came."

Starlight had never been one to beat around the bush. "Forgive me for saying so, but you look...rough."

The alicorn nodded, sighing loudly. "I'm exhausted. We've had an influx of magical surges, and—"

Oh, Starlight thought. It's a magic problem. Much more in my wheelhouse.

"Flurry Heart's magic has gone haywire again?"

Cadance shook her head. "Actually, Flurry Heart's been doing great. She's more focused on learning how to read out of spite."

Starlight blinked. As much as she wanted to dive deeper into the actual problem she was called here for, she couldn't help but ask for more details.

"Out of... spite?"

"Typically, alicorn children grow, learn, and progress at an accelerated rate in comparison to other foals," Cadance explained. "But recently a foal of a family friend has started to read fairly well. Flurry Heart, being as intelligent as she is, feels...um...threatened, by this. So she's trying to learn to read."

"But princess...Flurry Heart can't even form full sentences yet. She can't talk."

"The absurdity of it is not lost on me, yes."

They stared at each other for thirty seconds in silence.

"Anyway," Starlight coughed. "If Flurry Heart's magic isn't the problem, whose is?"

Of course. Of course.

Starlight frowned as Cadance pointed to a ball of Sunburst rocking back and forth on the floor, random spurts of magic shooting out of his horn.

"Please fix him," the princess said, exhausted desperation coating her voice. She hung her head. "I don't know what this is or why he's doing it, but he accidentally flooded the castle yesterday during this breakdown."

It seemed to be one of the studies in the crystal castle. Beakers and books littered the table, and small heart shaped bubbles floated out of some of the tubes, popping audibly.

A spark of magic flew at the pair in the doorway, and Cadance just barely deflected it with a shield.

Sunburst was spiralling big time.

To his right sat Trixie, who looked somewhere between frustrated and bored.

"Trixie? You got a royal summons, too?"

She immediately perked up at the sight of her situationship entering the fray. "No. I just made a pit stop on my way to my next show in Yak-Yakistan, because Sunburst is a fantastic cook, and I don't want to pay for street food."

Sunburst muttered incoherently on the floor.

"Regardless, I'm glad you're both here," Cadance assured. "I'd love to be of more help, but he seems to be reacting to you better than to me. If you'll excuse me, I have to oversee royal guard training."

"Um," Trixie started. "Isn't that Shining Armor's job?"

"Yes, but Flurry Heart has been flying all around the kingdom, and he went to go retrieve her."

Trixie, like the mare she had been tonguing down for the past six months, was also not one to beat around the bush. "But he can't fly."

Cadance smiled with the resignation of a two thousand year old historian watching the youth discover hidden truths to the world. "Yes. The absurdity of the situation is not lost on me."

The princess pivoted on her hooves, turning to leave. "FIX HIM, PLEASE!" The door slammed shut in her wake.

Starlight turned back to the stallion banging his head against the floor.

"Hey buddy," Starlight said in a tone that was equal parts comforting and lightly patronizing. "Are we doing okay?"

She'd perfected her use of that tone over the years, from Party Favor to Gallus to Twilight.

Sunburst looked up, eyes wet and shiny.

"Borderline baby talk is what gets him to snap out of a trance?"

Starlight turned to Trixie. "We did not have good childhoods."

Trixie was about to protest that she had also had a hard childhood and was relatively normal, but was stopped by Sunburst's hoarse voice.

"Starlight? Trixie? When did you get here?"

"Been here for a bit, bud," Starlight replied, testing the waters of easing back into her natural speech patterns.

"Oh," Sunburst rubbed his eyes. "I didn't notice."

"What's all this," Starlight asked, gesturing to the lab setup.

Sunburst looked as though he may cry again. He rose to his full height and stretched his limbs. He'd definitely been curled up for a while.

"Do you remember when I wrote to you about a new study I was conducting?"

Starlight nodded. "About that recipe you found for a love potion?"

"Love poison. I wanted to see if I could harness the magic of genuine love to dispell its negative effects."

Trixie sniffed at one of the serums as it changed color and spewed more heart-bubbles out of its top. She felt dizzy, extremely proud to be an Equestrian, and criminally attracted to Sunburst.

She shook her head viciously. Absolutely not.

"What did you find?"

"It works. I went to the Changeling Hive and they were able to give me love in liquid form. Between that and a small dose of my blood, we were in business."

Starlight grinned. "That's incredible!"

Sunburst rubbed at his beard. "Not quite. See, one of my vials is missing."

Starlight paused. "I mean, that's bad but, it could be worse right? That just means somepony in the castle has a little crush on you."

The stallion shook his head. "They didn't take the finalized version, they took one of the testers. The love in that vial wasn't diluted properly. Whoever has it is going to be really, really attracted to me."

Trixie rationalized the consequences of somepony being hopelessly in love without even understanding why. "And the problem with that is...?"

"I don't want someone to be in love with me against their will! Not to mention that a lot of Changelings' love comes from their love of the hive. They'd be just as into their nation as they are into me."

The show-pony blinked. "So whoever has the vial isn't just super into twinks, but essentially, horny with patriotism?"

Sunburst frowned. "Eloquently put. Yes." He looked down at himself. "You think I'm a twink?"

"Twink-adjacent," Trixie shrugged.

Starlight tried to process the issue at hand. "Okay, this is upsetting, of course. But I don't know if it should worry you enough to where you lose hold of your magic."

"That's not all. Artificial love could mess with the natural love poured into the crystal heart. It would classify it as a threat, try to override it, and possibly rot the pony inside out."

"Being in love with you could KILL somepony?"

Sunburst started to curl in on himself again.

"No no no no no no," Starlight said coaxing him back to a standing position. "We'll fix it. We just have to figure out who took your vial."

"It could be anypony! Guards and nobles and guests go through here all the time! Never mind that it was bring your filly to work day earlier this week. Somepony's son or daughter could be stuck with this affliction for years!"

Sunburst's horn lit up, and an entire row of books off the nearest shelf flew down on top of Trixie.

"I'm so stressed that I can't control my magic!"

Trixie emerged from her live burial, annoyed. "Hey! I have a show tomorrow, I don't need paper cuts stinging me when I put on stage makeup!"

Starlight ignored the urge to say something corny about kissing it better—god, was it hot in here?

"Here's what we'll do. We should split up and interrogate—"

A knock sounded at the door. Starlight flung it open with her horn, revealing the same guard that had caught her attention earlier. He cleared his throat.

"Sunburst," he beamed. "And company. I come bearing gifts."

Trixie and Starlight traded looks as the pegasus carried a tray with piping hot tea and freshly baked delicacies on it.

"Flash," Sunburst greeted, not making eye contact. "Thank you. You didn't have to do that."

"I know. But I wanted to."

Starlight nudged Sunburst in the side.

"Oh, right. Starlight, Trixie, this is Flash Sentry. He's one of the empire's best guards."

Trixie's eyes darted to his earring. She elected not to say anything.

"Nice to meet you, Sunburst has told me so much about you."

"Has he now?"

"Oh, yes. Flash is always somewhere nearby. Usually abandoning his posts to strike up a conversation."

Flash Sentry's blush doubled with a ferocity Starlight had never seen. "Don't go making me sound like I'm bad at my job."

Sunburst grinned as he levitated the tray off of Flash's back and set it down on a free table behind him. "Well, only one of us should be helping Princess Cadance oversee training right now, and is talking to the crystaler instead."

Flash Sentry's tail swished side to side contently. "I should probably head back, then."

Sunburst shrugged. "Probably."

Trixie nearly slapped her hoof against her face as she watched the scene before her play out. Flash didn't leave for another five minutes.

He practically had to be forced out by Starlight, who she'd found to be a huge fan of the Griffonstone goodbye.

"What was that?"

"That was Flash Sentry. Did you already forget his name?"

"No. I meant what was all the flirting about," Starlight said.

Sunburst's muzzle scrunched in confusion. "Flirting?"

"You didn't think that was flirting?"

"No! He's just being friendly."

"Respectfully, if someone abandoned their post that they are legally and royally obligated to watch over just to bring me snacks, I'd ask 'what are we.'"

Starlight opened her mouth.

"Now's absolutely not the time," Trixie said, holding her hoof up to her face.

Starlight closed her mouth.

"Flash and I aren't in a complicated, co-dependent friends with benefits relationship, though. We're just friends."

"He dotes on you like a malewife."

Sunburst scoffed. "Trixie, please. He doesn't even like stallions!"

Trixie's jaw dropped.

"I mean, we don't know for sure, but I'm getting a bisexual vibe," Starlight said.

Trixie's jaw dropped even further. "What do you mean we don't know for sure? Of course we do!"

Starlight and Sunburst both looked at her like she'd grown two heads. "We do?"

"Yes. Unless your mutually fucked up childhoods have sheltered you to the point where you're ignoring queer culture right in front of your faces!"

They looked at each other, then back at Trixie. She groaned.

"The earring. He was wearing a singular earring in his right ear. The gay ear."

"Is that like, a thing?"

The blue unicorn groaned again. "Do they just not have gay ponies in Sires Hollow, or...?"

"I didn't know you could be gay until I went to Celestia's school."

"I didn't know until I started my old village and I found Party Favor and Double Diamond getting at it in the cutie mark cave."

"Hot or traumatizing?"

"Trixie!" Starlight's face burned.

Trixie had no reaction.

"...Hot," she admitted. "But that's besides the point! Flash Sentry is definitely into you. He might even be the one with your serum!"

Sunburst blinked as he sipped his tea. The thought hadn't even occurred to him.

"Oh my gosh! He has no sense of self preservation. He probably drank it after I was going on and on about my studies!"

"Let's give the guy some credit," Trixie reasoned, staring at a charred spot on the table. "It looks like you left a burner on, probably overnight. Maybe that's why he took it?"

"He once tried to hit on Twilight with Rainbow Dash in the room."

Trixie pulled a face and sucked air in through clenched teeth as her mind wandered to perhaps the most overtly gay and possessive pony she knew besides herself.

"He's an idiot, I fear."

"Yeah, he definitely drank it."

"Well, now I guess we just have to like, abduct him?"

Starlight furrowed her brows at Sunburst. "Can't we just, I don't know, ask him?"

Sunburst chortled. "Oh, you don't know the first thing about the Crystal Empire. Any time you want to pull a pony away from royally assigned duties, you have to kidnap them. It's law."

"What? Why?"

"I'm not for certain, but it was an old tradition brought back by Princess Cadance and Shining Armor, so..."

"It's probably a bondage thing," all three unicorns finished at once.

"I've got rope," Trixie said, giddy with adrenaline.

She looked alarmingly cute at the prospect of doing something illegal.

"I've got a silencing spell so nopony can hear him scream."

Sunburst paused to process, then decided he didn't want to. "Um, I'm gonna ignore that! Come on, I'll lead you there."

Trixie hung back. "So if you have a silencing spell," she said, dropping her voice to a whisper. "How come you never use it when we.."

"Because I like knowing that everypony can hear you, loud and clear."

Trixie looked like she might explode.

"STOP BEING HORNY AND PICK UP THE PACE!"

Starlight rolled her eyes. She was fairly certain that that wasn't the first time those words had been yelled in the castle.

Kidnapping Flash Sentry was fairly easy. Seriously. He did not protest. At all.

Come to think of it, neither had Cadance. She looked relieved.

So far, they hadn't even needed the silencing spell. The pegasus looked perfectly content, stripped of his armor and tied up in Sunburst's magical grasp.

"So you're not even gonna question WHERE we're going?"

Flash shook his head. "Sunburst's here, so I'm probably safe."

Trixie resisted the urge to ask what exactly Sunburst could protect him from that he couldn't fend off himself, but refrained.

The venture to the changeling hive was relatively easy nowadays, with a connecting line out of the empire and a cute little trail with lots and lots of signs, hoofmade by the teeny little buggy youths of the kingdom.

Sunburst's saddle bag rested squarely on top of Starlight's, insisting that carrying it around could 'distract him' from carrying Flash properly.

Starlight frowned as she leaned on Trixie for stability. Suddenly, she missed the cramped wagon and fiery swamps.

The changeling hive looked more or less the same since the last time she'd been here, minus the influx of baby changelings roaming around, nipping at their parents' fetlocks.

Thorax nearly tripped over himself rushing over to greet the group. He seemed nervous.

"Sunburst! Back so soon?"

Sunburst smiled. "Yes. I need a little more liquid love, if that's okay with you."

"Hahahahahaha, ha," Thorax laughed anxiously. "No problem at all! Oh, hi Starlight, hi Trixie."

He hadn't even seemed to notice Flash Sentry dangling in a magical bubble above their heads. The changeling king's eyes shifted in all directions, like he was on the lookout for something.

"Are you okay?"

"Huh? Oh, yes! Of course. Follow me," Thorax assured.

Sunburst looked around, now noticing just how many babies seemed to be out and about on the hive grounds.

"Were there this many new changelings when I was here last?"

Thorax sighed. "No. It's...a new development."

"Where'd they all come from?"

"You'll take note of my brother's absence. He's been busy."

Starlight gasped. "These all belong to Pharynx?"

A crowd of babies babbled and weakly transformed into nonsensical objects purely out of their own imaginations.

"Really, really busy."

Flash cooed at the tots on the ground, and they reached for him excitedly.

His calm demeanor was frankly unsettling.

"Is Pharynx preparing for a mass repopulation of the hive or something?"

"Sort of," Thorax said. "We've never given away our love in liquid form before. It seems there's some serious side effects. Pharynx's judgment is clouded, as most of the love in that vial is his. He seems to be paranoid about there not being enough children around."

"So you're saying..."

"Pharynx has become a sex fiend, unfortunately. He's doing all but humping table legs."

They continued the trek deeper into the hive. "But some of your love was in there too, Thorax," Sunburst said. "And you seem fine."

"I mostly felt depressed for a while, but I'm fine. It appears that the absence of that love manifests itself in different ways within us."

Starlight felt a headache coming on. Now she felt obligated to help with the Pharynx issue on top of the Flash-Could-Die-Because-He-Likes-Sunburst-Too-Much issue.

Her eyes darted to Flash rambling about how smart Sunburst was. Trixie had stuffed cotton balls in her ears to drown him out. There wasn't enough time in the day for this.

A hiss sounded from above. The four ponies startled, while Thorax remained stoic. He sighed and abandoned the group, leaving them like prey in the wild.

Pharynx swooped down and hissed again, finally planting his hooves on the ground.

He leaned in towards Sunburst. "You smell really good."

Sunburst's cheeks flamed. "Oh."

Flash wriggled within his confines for the first time since he'd been 'kidnapped.' "Hey! Leave him alone!"

Trixie removed her makeshift ear plugs. "I sense drama."

The dark blue changeling ignored him as he leaned in towards Sunburst and inhaled deeply. "Help me repopulate. We need to create more love in the hive."

He was close enough to bite Sunburst's neck. The unicorn was certain he would.

Would that be so bad?

A swarm of elytra fluttered and buzzed. Thorax had returned with half the hive and...spray bottles?

Almost immediately, the crowd began to spray Pharynx down.

"Step away," Thorax said calmly, but not without annoyance. His brother gargled and hissed like a cat.

"I NEED TO GET HIM PREGNANT."

"You need to be sedated," Thorax said. "Scutellum, fetch me the tranq."

A small changeling not much younger than Ocellus nodded and searched through a bag of materials marked IN CASE PHARYNX GOES AFTER BUSSY AGAIN.

Starlight looked up at Flash Sentry, who still hung above them. He looked deeply satisfied by this development.

Pharynx wailed hysterically. "I WANT THAT TWINK."

"I know," Thorax said, as though this conversation had transpired many a time before. He nodded to Scutellum as she handed over a syringe. "And you can revisit that desire when you're in the right state of mind. But right now, you're being freaky, and not in a fun way."

Sunburst ignored the urge to exclaim that he felt like it was freaky in a fun way.

Thorax administered the sedative, and Pharynx squirmed in protest. Soon enough his limbs went slack, and eyes glazed over.

The crowd cheered. One particularly scrawny changeling booed.

"Okay," Starlight said, staring at Pharynx's limp figure. "So no more liquid love."

"Then how are we gonna find an antidote?"

"An antidote for what?"

Sunburst made a face. He handed Flash over to Trixie, who dropped him immediately, and Starlight caught him before he hit the ground. Flash descended to the ground as gently as possible, now on the floor.

The orange unicorn pulled the changeling king to the side. "I think that pegasus over there may have drank love poison."

Thorax gasped. "Oh, jeez."

Sunburst nodded. "We aren't for sure, but the poison could interfere with the crystal heart, which acts as a defense system for crystal citizens. If it detects impure attraction, it could melt his guts."

The pair peered at Flash, who was conversing with Starlight and Trixie.

"What shade of blue do you think Sunburst's eyes are? They're too light to be sapphire, but not quite sky, either? I've been thinking about this a lot."

A beam of magic shot out of Sunburst's horn and destroyed a row of vines. "I'm so sorry! I've been stress-blasting."

Thorax rubbed his chin. "It's fine. Is there a way to figure out if he drank it...without making him drink something else that may not even work?"

Sunburst stalled. "I mean, I guess we could ask."

"We could."

"Mhm."

"But you don't want to," Thorax finished.

Sunburst sighed. "No, I don't."

"How come?"

"Because ... it's been kind of fun. Being cared for like that without a reason. Even when I just thought he was being friendly, I felt all warm."

"And you think it'll end if you cure him?"

"Maybe. He's also my friend. It'd be weird. Especially if he knew that I—even without a spell I would want—"

Thorax smiled and placed a hoof on his friend's shoulder. "Sunburst," he started. "If there's something you want, go and get it. If he did drink it, and his feelings aren't true, you can't let him live like this. But don't count out the chance that he wants you for you."

Sunburst's throat grew dry. His legs shook. But he felt empowered to do the right thing.

He trotted back over to the trio and stared Flash in the face. "Hey...you."

Flash's face brightened instantly. "Hey."

"I'm gonna ask you a couple questions, okay?"

He nodded. "I feel like I don't have much of a choice here." He shifted in the ropes.

Sunburst laughed anxiously. "On a scale of one to ten, how much would you say love the Crystal Empire?"

Flash squinted. "An eleven. Obviously. The best place in the world, best food, best history, best—"

Sunburst ignored the very specific way his hips and hind legs shifted, as if to hide something.

Nationalism boner. Terrible sign.

"Okay, thank you. Secondly, how attractive would you say I am?"

Flash laughed. "You did not have to kidnap me to get me to compliment you. I would've done it gladly back at the castle."

"Just answer the question," he said. He fought the smile on his face.

"Very. You're passionate, intelligent, funny when you don't mean to be, and really cute."

Trixie gagged. "I'm bored. If I wanted to watch shitty gay flirting, I would've hung out at Twilight's castle."

"If we go make out in that corner will you shut up until we get back to the Crystal Empire?"

Trixie grinned and nodded her head enthusiastically. Starlight rolled her eyes and led her over.

Sunburst's heart drummed in his chest. "Did you drink one of my potions while I was gone?"

"What, the love poison that you guys think I don't know about?"

"Yes, th—what?"

"You guys aren't discreet at all."

Embarrassment swirled in Sunburst's stomach. Even Thorax had to turn away because it was just that strong.

"No, I didn't drink it. Why would I go around drinking random things?"

"I-I don't know! You can get pretty curious and reckless when nopony's around to see it!"

"Not enough to do something that stupid," Flash countered. "No, I didn't drink it."

"So that means..."

"That I just like you? Yeah."

"Oh. That's. Oh."

Flash sat back on his haunches. "Did I make it awkward?"

"No! No. I just didn't know you felt that way."

"I'm surprised you didn't figure me out sooner, honestly. Someone as smart as you should—"

"Can I kiss you?"

Flash blinked, abandoning his sentence. "Yes. Please."

And so he did.

Starlight caught sight of it as she opened her eyes mid-kiss, like the freak she was. She broke away from Trixie and cheered.

"Took you long enough," Flash said, breath heavy.

"All good things take time," Sunburst replied, breathing just as intensely. "Let's go home."

Flash nodded. Before he could stand, Sunburst had picked him up just like before.

Trixie and Starlight caught the memo, makeout session killed by the latter getting all sentimental about her first friend finding love. Even Trixie had to admit it was a little sweet. They waved to Thorax and trotted over.

Then, Sunburst paused. "Speaking of taking what I want..."

Pharynx's sleepy body began to float in the same bubble as Flash.

Thorax raised a brow.

"I'll bring him back," he grinned. "Eventually."

And with that, they made their way back to the empire.

Legend says the vial is literally exactly where Sunburst left it last, just covered by a shit ton of books. Historians can't confirm that, though.

Author's Note

commission for my dear friend zephyrus, whose birthday also happens to be today! would've been up sooner, but i got sidetracked by the student six (again). you can all thank him for this shitshow