The Cuddlequest of Equestria: First Wave
"The sun's shining. The birds are chirping. It's a great day to be alive." That's what my old teacher always told the class, back in flight school. It's a good way to stay positive, you know?
I'm Rainbow Dash, by the way, in case you didn't know. The best flyer around. The sort of mare that stallions want, the kind of mare that mares wants to be, you know the rest. I have the best job, the best friends, the best life. I even have the best naptime on the best of clouds. I wore my best shades and had the best soda to drink.
It was the best day. The only cloud in the sky was mine. The hills and fields of Ponyville were green and vibrant. There were even entire sections of land given over to the best assortment of flowers. If I squinted, I could imagine that the flowers were arranged in the shape and color of my rainbow lightning cutie mark. Heh. Wouldn't that be something?
It was the best time. I should have known things were about to go down. I heard some sort of... electrical zapping, like the building up of a lightning strike, but I saw a cloudless sky... wait, there's something weird going on with that part of sky over there. I raised my sunglasses and got a better look. What was just a discolored piece of sky is now... wobbling. The sort of power only a few creatures possessed. Light distorted within that patch of sky, and soon enough...
A great ripping sound rang through the air as if some giant ripped through a dress that Rarity somehow made for it. As the sound bounced off the distant hills and I heard an echo of it, "ripping fabric" doesn't seem... right to describe it. It's more like... the crashing of ocean waves?
This is getting weird. I finish my awesome soda pop while I wait for... whatever it is that this new disaster will bring.
Suddenly, the patch of sky... stabilized, I think. Whatever it was, it now seemed to... be another shade of blue sky, bordered by some purple-y science magic energy. I don't know, I should ask Twilight. You know, when we're not having to deal with a very imminent alien invasion. Wait... aliens! A giant alien flying balloon!
"Alien invasion!" I shrieked.
The more I look at it, the more I realize that it resembled...—the fiends! Not content with coming for our lands, the alien invaders also had to steal cutting-edge Equestrian technology! How else would they have built a rigid-bodied airship, like the one invented by the pony, not alien, Zeppony?!
Being a flyer does naturally make one curious about flying machines, after all. Being able to make a cargo ship fly is awesome.
Anyway, the aliens! The aluminum (Woah!) Unknown Sky Vessel, or USV, was painted in drab grey colors, save for the red, white, and blue flag on the vertical tail at the back. Oh, there's also more on the sides, a green and blue globe, no doubt a painting of their home planet, accompanied by the flags that ran the length of the ship. There to symbolize their conquered planets, no doubt! The villains!
To my shock, there was even white lettering on the side! And I could read it!
"ATOMS FOR PEACE"
They're stealing our language, too?!
"They took our letters! The thieving swine!" I shouted, then said, "No offense," to the pig sitting on the cloud next to me.
"None taken," she said before remembering that she was not a pegasus and promptly falling through the cloud.
When will this end!?
Well, nothing doing! I'm Rainbow Dash, the Element of Loyalty, and the first, last, and best line of defense for Equestria!
...When I've got my friends at my side!
"Just you wait, terror from another sky!" I taunted. "You won't overcome Equestria!"
First, I flew home and put away my best sunglasses. Those cost a pretty bit and I am not breaking them while fighting these aliens. Then, I threw away my empty soda pop bottle, because Rainbow Dash is not, and I repeat, not a litterer.
Littering isn't cool, kids...!
That being done, I flew as fast as I possibly could (I totally did) to my best friend Applejack's farm! It's almost harvesting season, so she could rally her big family!
Faster than you could say "Zapp Apple Family Sauce", I was among the forested hills and planted fields of the Apple farm.
"Applejack!" I called out, eyes scanning for one of my favorite ponies. Sure enough, the farmgirl was between a few trees, previously doing she does best; bucking apple trees.
Wait, I feel as if I should be clarifying by saying that she's kicking the trees.
Hearing her name being called, Applejack looked up to me, and said, in that zesty accent, "Rainbow! Y'all see those sky machines, too?"
Wait, "machines"...?
I turned, only to see the portal to the alien home world widening, allowing more of the invader sky ships through.
Oh, mare, this is bad!
I could even see a few other white-painted flying machines come up and through the portal, some kind of whirlybirds with spinning propellers that chopped the air and kept them upright, along with a kind of rear propeller keeping them flying straight. Wait a minute, those were helicopters!
After we beat up these guys, Sikhorsesky should totally sue! These aliens have no respect for any pony intellectual property whatsoever!
"This is bad!" I mentioned aloud, that drat worry creeping into my voice.
I turned to see Applejack cocking an eye. "I'm sure it's not... that bad, sugarcube. They don't look... evil. Their airships don't look like the Storm King's, and they don't have any weapons on them, from what I can see."
I looked and beheld... Applejack seemed to have a point. I could not see cannons, bomb launchers, harpoon guns, or any other recognizable hostile... whatever.
I turned back to Applejack and pounded a forehoof into another. "How can you be so calm, Applejack?! They might have alien technology! Rayguns, eye beams, jet boots!"
Applejack narrowed her eyes at my increasingly hysterical voice. Dude! Aliens! Danger!
"Reading comic books again, Rainbow?" Applejack teased. She then rolled her neck. "Whatever they are, it's worth checking out, at least." Finally, she started trotting in the direction of the aliens. "Seems they already want to make themselves at home here."
What?! I looked down the trail at what Applejack was walking towards, and froze. Already, one of the alien invader ships had parked itself above an empty grass field, casting down anchors and lowering an elevator, full of aliens. I couldn't see them too well at this distance, but I saw a few already at work making some kind of camp.
An alien camp! That's where they'll be setting up their pony juicing vats!
They want to juice us all! They thirst for pony juices!
I flew off, leaving Applejack to engage the enemy. Twilight should be at her castle now! I was invited for tea time with her, Fluttershy, and Rarity, but I just wanted to nap!
...That, and drink soda instead of tea.
But that's not important right now!
On the way should be Sugarcube Corner. I'm... not sure what Pinkie Pie could do to help, but she always does!
Speaking of which...
"Hi, Rainbow Dash!"
Queue the mid-air collision, courtesy of one Pinkie Pie and an oversized spring launching her into my path. The last thing I saw before impact was her bright, beaming, grinning face. I swear, that smile will last longer than even the universe.
I picked myself off the ground, shook off some of the dust, and saw that Pinkie Pie had already changed her outfit. She now wore a long lab coat, complete with broad-brimmed glasses and even a tinfoil hat.
Wait, that's it! I snatched the protective headgear from Pinkie and put it on. I fitted it to my skull, the foil rattling and flopping. She can always conjure more from wherever she gets her... everything.
"It's exciting, isn't it?" Pinkie asked, bubbly. "We get new friends, and I get to throw a party where nopony has celebrated before! Strange New Parties, here I come!"
"If they don't eat us first!" I cautioned, my voice cracking. Not now, voice! "I don't know, distract them, or something!"
"Roger, roger!" Pinkie piped up with a salute, and marched towards the aliens... she walked strangely like she was pretending to be a robot pony... anyway!
Now that I secured some protection from alien mind rays, I should be clear to get to Twilight's castle!
I took to the air again, and divebombed straight towards Twilight's Princessly Purple Sparkly Crystal Tree Castle! Thankfully, there were quite a few windows into the innermost map room, where surely my best friends Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rarity were having a gay old time!
...That means happy. Happy! Ponyfeathers! Curse that new Daring Do book written in that archaic, "retro" style!
"Daring Do and the Time Machine"...!
Anyway, as soon as I actually entered the map room, the one with all the crystal chairs and the Friendship Problem Map, I could see my friends, who were indeed having teatime, and wearing... frilly, old-fashioned dresses?
What the hay?
The first thing Rarity did when she saw me and my new headgear was groan loudly, setting down her teacup and saucer (with a few cookies gimme gimme), and then said, eyes hardened, "No, no, no, Rainbow Dash! The dress code was 'Victoltian Tea-Party', not 'Conspiracy Theory Pony'..! Why in all of Equestria would you...?!"
She looked over to see Spike the Dragon, also sporting a tinfoil hat, tear a piece of foil right off a roll and unceremoniously decorate Twilight's head with it. She snickered and sipped more of her tea as her assistant worked, her new hat clashing against her white-pink dress.
Rarity, for her part, simply buried her face in her plate of treats with a growling "Ugh!".
Setting down her own dish as I landed, Fluttershy, my best friend, finally spoke up, and asked, sweetly, "What's happening, Rainbow? Is something wrong?"
Nodding wildly, I said, arms waving, "Aliens! There's an alien invasion happening right now!"
Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, vanquisher of evil, the defeater of darkness, the beater of bad bugs, the best friend of me, Rainbow Dash... sighed a heavy, long-suffering sigh.
Huh?
I sat next to Twilight as she said, calmly, placing a hoof on my shoulder, "Listen, Rainbow..."
No.
"I know you might feel bad about not accepting our invitation."
No, she's not.
"We can always just have tea if you're not comfortable with the dress."
This is just another friendship problem?!
I pounded the table with my hooves, shouting, teeth gritted, "It's not about the tea!"
Twilight blinked at my outburst. Fluttershy, ever the diplomat, leaned over to me and said, cooing, "I think you'd look lovely in a Victcoltian dress. Spike, can I have one?"
Rarity, unhelpfully, reared her perfectly-trimmed head of hair to wail, "She would! She really would...!" Before sulking again.
...Wow, Rarity... would I? Wait! That's not important right now!
I shook my head, trying to focus my attention on what actually mattered, the reason I even crashed this frou-frou tea time; aliens!
"But—" before I could get a word out, my mouth was stuffed with a Princessly hoof. The nerve of some ponies!
It was at that moment that somepony else came to the rescue; Starlight Glimmer, my... wait, she's not my best friend. Just a friend. Not a bestie yet. She rushed into the room, panting heavily.
Everybody looked at Starlight expectantly, the offending hoof finally leaving my jaw... even if I could taste sweet crumbs.
"Princess! Princess!" Breathlessly pleaded Starlight.
"What is it, Starlight?" Twilight asked, sincerely.
"Girls!" Starlight panted. "A giant portal has opened in the sky, and a bunch of flying machines are coming through! You must come see!"
Instantly, the room flipped. "Oh, my," said Rarity in awe. "That does sound serious."
"I just hope it's nothing bad," shyly cried Fluttershy as she cowered just above the table.
Twilight declared, "Well, let's have a look!"
What..? What?! Oh, come on!
The girls took their turns, taking their dresses off of themselves, and laying them on the table. They then filed outside.
I... I...!
I threw my tinfoil hat on the ground! I then groaned and followed suit. It took a few winding turns to get outside again. These winding halls, sometimes, I swear...
We finally got outside, where jaws were dropping as the USV cast its shadow over Ponyville. All the ponies around, including my best friends, were awestruck and frozen still.
I don't know whether to smirk or scream. I settled for a strangled groan.
I waved a hoof. "See? Aliens." But nobody heard me. Not when one of their rotary flying machines was quickly approaching. It chopped through the air with its whirling blades... that seems really dangerous. Using a rotor like a kitchen mixer to beat the air so hard it suspends you above the ground? That's... pretty awesome, actually. The shape of the craft... it kinda reminds me of a beetle. I could see some writing on it... "Bell 402"... "Equestrian Expedition"...
It chose a spot of open land in front of Twilight's castle to land on, the buffeting winds forcing many a pony back. The noise...! Never mind how loud the engine of the alien craft was, the wind...! It was like flying, but it smelled of burning oil! Is this an alien farting flying machine?! Aliens are gross!
No sooner had the machine finally settled down on the grass when the doors swung open, and out jumped... a colt?
Celestia's flowing mane, what?
Reddish coat of fur. Dark mane and tail. Brown eyes. That's... that's a pony. A little child of a colt. Were the aliens... also ponies? No, I saw a few still on the chopper, bipedal things with immaculate clothing. The suits and ties make me think that these were... diplomatic... dignitaries.
Mare, even the alien invasion is turning out pretty lame.
The little colt ran right up to Twilight, excitedly chattering, "Princess Twilight! Princess Twilight!"
That shook her out of her stupor just enough for her to ask, "Y...Y-Yes? Who are you, my little pony?"
Grinning from ear to ear, this colt, who had something weird about him, other than his general excitement, blurted out, "My name's Rufous Hammer, your Princess-ness!" Huh. The helicopter's turning off its engine. I could hear my own thoughts again.
"And..." Twilight wondered aloud. "How did you come to be here?"
"I was in a cult ritual!" Rufous announced.
What...?
"Uncle Goat Eye wanted us to summon forth power from the fathomless deep!"
What.
"Much rotting, stinking fish was sacrificed, yes-yes!"
What!?
Even Twilight twitched, like she did when Pinkie Pie broke her brain!
"And that..." Spike deduced. "...Sent you to a different world?"
"Yep!" said Rufous. "It was really weird for me, too! But these humans are very nice! They're even magical!"
That... sounds nice? Wait, a pair of humans were stepping off the chopper right now! Wow, they're pretty tall. I'm pretty sure the first one's a girl, and the second's a guy. Well, if I can tell that, they must not be too alien, right? If there was a weird vibe around Rufous Hammer, then the vibe around these... humans was way more intense. They wore these gray and blue pants and dress jackets... I think. If we weren't having to deal with First Contact, I'd ask Rarity what they're even wearing.
Well, maybe. I don't know if I even care that much... wait, are the humans stealing our fashion, too? I'm losing track. The guy's wearing some awesome aviator shades, though. Props to him for that.
At least these humans weren't gangly and grotesque. Or squid-like. Or bug-like. In fact... looking at the broad one, with the sandy-white skin... I wonder what it'd be like to give that guy a big-ol' hug... wait. What are these thoughts? I blinked hard and shook my head to clear my head of these new, weird thoughts. I looked to see Rarity and Fluttershy likewise feeling uncomfortable.
I tried to pay attention to what was being said, I really did! Some pleasantries, some well-wishes, and awkward greetings from a fidgeting Twilight Sparkle... I don't know. I was wondering why Twilight, of all ponies, was now having her blushing head be petted by the female with tanned skin and hazelnut eyes. Wait, what?
Why's Twilight letting herself be petted like a cat? Why's she loving it so much that even her ears are blushing?!
Why can't I get fingers in my hair like that?!
It dawns on me. This is it. This is how the aliens beat us. This is how they conquer us. Not with weapons. Not with armies. Not even with words.
But with those hands.
Oh, sweet Celestia, I want some hands on me right now.
This vibe the humans were giving off... what was it? Magic? The colt mentioned magic... I turned toward him, and asked, "Hey, kid. You said that these humans were magical, right?"
He nodded excitedly, and looked around at more humans—huh? There's now more humans around! Did they all come from that whirlybird thing? Why... why are they all... adorable?!
"Yeah! They call it 'Contagious Affection, Restorative Embrace', but I just call it cuddle magic!"
The hay? It does feel... an awful lot like something an alien would do. Charm us with their looks, hug us with their arms, hold us with their hands...
What's going on?!
I sat down and heaved through my mouth. These feelings, the... energy! The aliens and their cuddle magic! What I thought was just vibes was the strange alien energy! Poor Applejack! Why did I leave her alone with the...!
Wait, there she is, walking down the road with yet more humans, each easily getting along with the ponies of Ponyville.
Well, not so much "walking" as she is being carried by a burly-looking guy. She looks more relaxed now than I've ever seen, more like a big baby. Lucky. I looked around, and while I was trying to cope with these overwhelming sensations, my friends were swarmed by humans. With but a few taps on the noses, belly rubs, chin scratches, ear massages, and they were all enraptured in bliss.
What the hay? I want in! But before that...
I managed to get onto my hooves again and march my way over to the flying machine. Maybe if I... if I commandeered it, and flew back to the alien planet... maybe I'll find a weakness, and stop this alien takeover of Equestria!
For... the Princesses! For Equestria!
...
...
...Wait a minute, I have wings! I can just fly to the alien planet through the hole in the sky! What am I doing?
But before I could say, think, or do anything else, the spinning top flying machine, which had by now gone thankfully still, opened yet another door. Out stepped yet another one of those humans, but this one wore a grey flight suit and a white helmet with black visors on it. As I watched, this new pilot—for who else clambers out of a cabin full of controls and gizmos—took off her helmet.
Oh, no, she's cute. With the red hair and the green eyes... it compliments her suit! It's making me think like Rarity!
She smiled at me, saying, "Having a hard time, huh? I'm Casey, callsign 'Chrome'."
I blinked... and shook my head. I stepped closer, my hooves aching to be held. These aliens had callsigns, too? "I'm... Rainbow Dash. You alien invaders are sure... potent."
That caused Casey to pause, and then widen her eyes. She then grinned and laughed a full, belly laugh. She then sat down, letting her helmet rest on the grass while she leaned against her flying propeller machine. She then gazed at the Zeppony airship now casting a shadow on Ponyville, and said, mirthfully, "Yeah, sure looks like an alien invasion..."
Our eyes met again, and she shuddered. "Can't believe I'm on another world... and that it would have such cute ponies in it. When Rufous was found, he was overwhelmed with noopositivity, like you guys... sorry, nerdy talk. He was able to cope with it, though."
A way past these stupid feelings? I must find out... for the good of ponykind!
"H-How?" I hoarsely asked.
Casey just whispered, "I'll show you." At that, she lifted her arms and reached for me. There was only one thing that I could think when she grabbed me and held me to herself, leaning against that wind chopper.
Finally.
It started as a simple hug, but even that was like nothing I've ever felt before. Sure, I had plenty of hugs from my time, and even a few previous best hugs from best friends, but this...
This was the best hug I've ever felt. Must be that mythical "cuddle magic" I've heard about from Rufous. What did he call it before... "Contagious Affection, Restorative Embrace"?
Wait... contagious? Does that mean I'm... infected? Wait a minute... did this... contagion also get the humans?
...
Does it matter? Casey is rubbing my ears between her fingers, and that feels... awesome. I see my friends, likewise being attended to. Twilight mumbled something about Canterlot and was carried off. By Celestia... no wonder everyone I've seen in the human clutches was blushing... Casey switched to inspecting and massaging my wings. It was as if the magic itself was somehow guiding her hands. The nervousness about this whole thing was totally gone now, which was awesome. Now I just get to enjoy whatever cuddle magic has to give me, which in this case (heh) is just laying back and enjoying the pampering.
This is now the best day again. All hail our new alien overlords.
