Rainbow Yogurt

by TheDriderPony

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Spitfire
Length: 3118

The Wonderbolts. A place to find Fame, Glory, Honor. Oh, you wanted a decent paycheck? That's a different department, and the sacrifice required is a lot more than the mere blood, sweat, and tears you already paid to join up.

Earning a spot among the Wonderbolts will place you in the history books.

It'll also place you on store shelves nationwide.

Hey, somepony's gotta keep the lights on.

A submission for the Wonderbolts Site Contest

Pre-read (with all my thanks) by Pneu, RB, DarkCyan, Grey, and 6-D Pegasus.

Published 2024-05-01 03:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-05-01 03:50:01 UTC

The Foals Love It!

Rainbow Dash was on cloud nine. No, cloud ten.

She'd done it. She'd finally done it!

She was a Wonderbolt.

Not a cadet. Not a reserve. A real, proper, bona fide, First Wing, slap-her-on-the-posters-with-Spitfire-and-Soarin Wonderbolt!

It'd taken years of hard work, training, dedication, grit, focus, training, crashes, and training, but at long last the dream she'd had since she was a filly was finally hers!

The actual induction ceremony wouldn't take place for a few weeks, but that was just a show for the public. Spitfire had already sworn her in and pinned her Gold Wings to her chest in a small, intimate gathering with the other members of the First Wing. Even now she could feel the weight of it on her flightsuit, a constant reminder of her achievement.

She floated through the halls of Wonderbolt HQ without even needing to use her wings, drifting along to an annexe of the building she'd never visited before as the parting words of her new squad drifted through her mind.

"Congrats, Crash! I always knew you had it in ya!"

"Nice going, rookie. Though I guess I can’t call you that anymore. Welcome to the elite."

"Alright, alright. Settle down you magpies, give the girl some space to breathe. You can tell her all your horror stories at the party tonight. In the meantime: Dash. The first thing you have to do as an official member is go see Surprise."

"Uhhh... Captain? I think you're supposed to say that when I get to the party, not when you're inviting me to it."

"No, Surprise. She's the head of Image and Marketing."

"Oh! Huh. I don't think I've met her."

"Oh! Huh. I don't think I've met her."

"I’m not surprised—”

“Heh.”

“—Watch it, Misty. Surprise is semi-retired from active duty. Had a real nasty crash-landing a few years ago and something never quite healed right."

"So why do I have to see her?"

"Just some routine stuff to take care of. She'll explain when you get there."

"Yeah, and good luck to ya. That mare... she's a real hurricane."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"You'll see when you get there. Just... good luck, Crash."

The ominous warning had cast a slight pallor over her mood, but it was quickly forgotten beneath the sheer awesomeness of the fact that she was a real Wonderbolt now! So what if she had to talk to some pushy old retired Wonderbolt? She could give it as good as she got it. Not even a hurricane could stand up to a sonic rainboom.

She arrived at the Image and Marketing Department soon enough and easily navigated her way to the door at the end with the big brass nameplate that read "Division Head: Surprise". Heedless of decorum and consequences, she pushed her way in.

The room was packed. Rainbow Dash considered herself an avid collector of Wonderbolt memorabilia, but the contents of the office put her collection to shame. Shelves stuffed with more trinkets and tchotchkes and collectibles than a Manehattan bodega. On the walls hung framed recruitment posters going back decades. Some she'd only seen pictures of when she'd been studying for the cadet written exam. Only two spaces were free of Wonderbolts-branded colors and logos: a large window with the blinds pulled down on the left wall, and a desk that was clear save for a thick manilla envelope.

But beyond everything else, it was the mare in the chair behind the desk that caught her attention.

"Howdy-doo-dee!" The mare waved brightly as she grinned from ear to ear, golden mane bouncing in awfully familiar curls. "I'm Surprise! Head of Marketing and Image. Or maybe Head of Image and Marketing, I can never keep it straight. But you probably know that ‘cause it says it on my door. Or at least it should. I'd hate to find out that I'd been squatting in somepony else's office all this time."

She giggled, and Rainbow Dash was struck with an uncanny sense of familiarity. The mane, the attitude, the giggle, the... everything. Colors aside, she was the spitting image of…But there was no way. She was a pegasus, clear as day. She could see the wings on her back! It had to be some kind of crazy coincidence. Twilight had that friend in Canterlot who looked just like her, so there was no reason there couldn’t be other ponies out there that looked like ponies she knew.

Still. Kinda weird.

Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. "Yeah, hi, I'm—"

"Rainbow Dash, I know," Surprise said with a nod as she opened the folder. "Rainbow Miriam Danger Dash. Born 46th of Spring. Zero point four five celestials tall. Fourteenth fastest progression from cadet to First Wing member. Dress size six. Horseshoe size two adult, or size ten foal. Prefers still water to seltzer, chocolate to vanilla, and Ubercolt wing balm over other brands. Romantic entanglements include—"

"Okay, okay!" Rainbow Dash threw her hooves out as if she could physically stem the tide of increasingly embarrassing personal information. "I get it! You know who I am!"

"And a fair bit more than that!" Surprise agreed. She gestured to the chair across from her. “Have a seat. Or stand, if you’d like. We’ve got a lot to talk about.”

She took a seat. The chair matched the room: upholstered in Wonderbolt colors with Wind Rider’s iconic smirk bedazzled on the cushion and his cutie mark on the armrests. “So… what are we supposed to talk about? Spitfire didn’t tell me anything.”

Surprise’s grin was unsettlingly crocodilian. “Why, merchandising, of course! We’ve got to go over your options A-S-A-P so the gift shop has time to stock up before your official debut.”

“Merchandising?” She rolled the thought around like a marble. “You mean, merch? Of me? I get merch?”

“Of course! You’re a Wonderbolt, aren’t you? Where did you think all that stuff they sell at the shows and conventions came from?”

To be honest, she hadn’t. She bought stuff and she used it. Where it came from rarely came into the picture. At best she might have guessed that other fans made it to show their support. Clearly that wasn’t the case if the Wonderbolts had a whole department dedicated to it.

Which begged the question…

"Why do the Wonderbolts even need a marketing department?" she asked. Everyone knew who they were.

"Gotta advertise to potential new recruits somehow," was the easy reply. "Besides, how do you think we afford to pay for this giant mountaintop training complex?"

Dash shrugged. "I dunno. I always figured you got funding from the government or something."

Surprise's face scrunched up as she struggled to hold in a laugh. "Pft!" She failed, then gave up trying altogether. "Yeah. Right. Government funding. That's rich. I'll have to remember that one for the water cooler later." She took a moment to compose herself, some final giggles slipping through before she was ready. "Now, onto business. You already consented to the use of your name and likeness when you applied for the cadet program, so this is really a formality. Any questions before we get started?"

"Yeah, just one," she said. "Has anybody ever told you that you look and talk a lot like Pinkie Pie?"

"I have no idea who that is! Though I did know an Igneous Pie once who spent a year nursing me back to health after a bad crash with a side order of head-bonk amnesia. But that's old history. Let's talk about the future! Your future! Your future on store shelves nationwide!"

The first couple of things she brought up were reasonable. Posters. Pennants. Buckball caps. Trading cards (rookie, reserve, and headliner editions, with both foil and holographic variants). Breakfast cereal (a limited run of Wonder-O’s with marshmallow versions of her face). All the kind of normal merch she herself had plenty of at home. But then Surprise brought up something that caught her off guard.

"A dress?"

"Correction: Rainbow Dash: The Dress. Proper name recognition is very important in establishing a brand."

"Sure, whatever, but how's a dress supposed to work?"

Surprise rifled through her folder until a couple of small pictures fell out. "We dug up some photos of your visit to the Grand Galloping Gala where you met the Wonderbolts for the first time. It's the right color scheme and very fetching, so we're thinking about doing a replica line for foals. Maybe an adult line later."

Dash scratched the back of her head. It wasn't exactly the kind of image of herself she wanted to put out there, but if the mare in charge thought it was a good idea... "I think my friend Rarity technically owns the design, so you'll have to work with her."

"Noted." Surprise pulled a pen from... somewhere and scribbled a note on the page before shuffling it back into the seemingly endless stack within the folder and pulling out another. "How do you feel about plushies?"

"Never was a big fan."

"No, of you, silly." She reached behind her desk and pulled out... Rainbow Dash. A very small, very huggably-sized Rainbow Dash. It was a surprisingly good likeness, except for...

"Why does it have such big eyelashes?" Seriously, they were enough to make Rarity jealous.

"Well it is supposed to look like you. You have lovely long lashes." A warm blush rushed to Dash's cheeks, but she beat it back like a wild timberwolf. "Look, it even says your catchphrase!"

"My what?" Her attention snapped back to the doll just as Surprise released it from what looked like a bone-crushing hug.

"Gotta go fast!" a tiny, tinny voice that sounded nothing like her cheered.

"Obviously we'll have you record that later, this is just a demo."

But Dash was more fixated on the words themselves than their delivery. "I've literally never said that."

"Not yet~~!" Surprise trilled. "I've booked you a radio spot next month where you'll be promoting Ubercolt wing balm—they're releasing a new line targeted at teen fillies instead; same stuff, different label—and I thought that'd be a great time to debut it."

As the hits kept coming, Dash struggled to form a response through the mental whiplash. "I— I don't want a catchphrase!"

Surprise just waved her off. "We'll workshop it. The gals in design had a few more ideas." She squeezed the plush pony again.

"Way past cool!" And again. "Up, over, and gone!" And again. "I, Rainbow, am now leader of the Decepticons!"

She turned the stuffed pony around and frowned into its innocent button eyes. "Hm. Must have reused that voice box from an older project." She tossed the doll aside where it sank into a pile of plush versions of other members of the Wonderbolts. "Next item! Rainbow Dash: The Wig and Temporary Cutie Marks. Very popular with the foals."

"I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that," Dash wavered. "Feels like identity theft just waiting to happen."

"Pft! Yeah right, and how would that work?" Surprise waved her forelegs dramatically as she painted a scene. "You really think somepony could just put on a fake cutie mark and wig, tell a few white lies, file some false paperwork and end up trapped in living a double life as both a high ranking member of the Wonderbolts and also a random normal baker in a small town?"

Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes as her former suspicion started to suddenly feel a bit more possible. "I never said anything about a baker."

But if Surprise picked up on the veiled accusation, she didn't acknowledge it. "Random example. Forget I said anything. What about Rainbow Dash: The Plush Mascot Costumes?" From somewhere behind her desk she pulled out an enormous blue monstrosity with thick rainbow ‘hair’, bulging frog-like eyes, and gaping void for a mouth where the wearer's head would poke out.

"That's even worse than the wigs!" Dash shouted. "And who would even buy that?!"

"So you're fine with the wigs if we take the mascot suit off the table. Got it." She whipped it away as quickly as she'd produced it. "And you'd be surprised at how many Soarin suits we sell. Very popular in certain circles.” She winked knowingly and Rainbow Dash had never been more grateful to have no idea what subtext she was trying to convey.

Surprise barreled on ahead despite the awkward atmosphere. “Next on the list: Rainbow Dash: The Alarm Clock.”

“Does it also say catchphrases?” Dash asked, sensing a trend.

“It says different ones.”

“That’s… sure. Why not? What else?”

“Rainbow Dash: The Toaster Oven. ‘Cook at the speed of Dash!’”

“That doesn’t even make any sense. And why that? I don’t know anything about cooking.”

“Don’t say that!” Surprise gasped. “It’ll hurt the sales of your new cookbook, Rainbow Dash: The Dishes That Made Me a Wonderbolt.” She paused. “Also, I’m going to need you to write a cookbook of all your favorite recipes with a relatable heartwarming anecdote to go with each. Publisher wants it ready for shelves by your debut.”

“All my—” Like a pegasus in a beehive, the words tried to find a place in Dash’s mind, but there was simply no place for them to logically fit. “I can’t write a cookbook! Most of what I eat is just protein powder and stuff Pinkie Pie bakes anyway.”

“Oh good, then she can ghostwrite for you. Next we have Rainbow Dash: The Time Spoon.”

“The what?”

“Time Spoon.”

“The hay’s a time spoon?”

Surprise tapped her hoof on the table, rhythmic beats like a clock ticking. “It’s like a time machine, but also a spoon for ease and convenience. Ease and convenience are very marketable.”

Dash blinked slowly as the words percolated through her mind and distilled a drop of truth. “Time travel is real?!”

“No, silly, it's just a replica time spoon.”

“Oh. Okay.” Her joy, though brief, gave way to profound disappointment.

"I mean, it’d be a legal and ethical nightmare. If we were selling real time machines then we'd have to worry about ponies traveling back in time to visit their mothers when they were her age then overshooting and getting trapped in the past and having to make a life for themselves in the past while trying to not accidentally butterfly away their own existence." She finished with a smile that seemed slightly too wide.

Dash gave her a wary look.

Surprise continued to smile.

"Did you—"

"But no time for that; we have a long list to get through and we've only scratched the surface!"

Rainbow Dash groaned as she collapsed back in her seat and rubbed her temples. She could feel a headache coming on. Or maybe it’d been coming on for a while but she’d been too distracted to notice. "Okay, fine, but we'll come back around to that cookbook thing later. Gimme some rapid fire ones."

"Alrighty-frighty! Rainbow Dash: The Wagon Sticker."

"Cool."

"Rainbow Dash: The Cosmetic Kit."

"Not cool."

"Rainbow Dash: The Action Figure."

"Very cool."

"Rainbow Dash: The Dress-up Doll."

"Not cool."

"Rainbow Dash: The Commemorative Collectible Cup."

"What?"

"It's shaped like your head."

"...Weird, but kinda cool."

"Rainbow Dash: The Commemorative Collectible Cup, Silver Anniversary Edition."

A fragment of memory from a day spent with Rarity floated to the front of her mind. "Isn't a silver anniversary supposed to celebrate fifteen years of something?"

"It doesn't hurt to plan ahead. Rainbow Dash: The Limited Edition Soda."

"What flavor?"

"Blue raspberry."

"Blegh. Lame and generic."

"I'll get R&D on that, RD. Heh. R&D and RD. Rainbow Dash: The Bedspread."

"Kinda creepy, but fine, I guess."

"Rainbow Dash: The Toilet Paper."

"What? No! Gross! Why would you even—"

"Rainbow Dash: The Typewriter."

"Huh? Who would want—"

"Rainbow Dash: The Stationary Kit."

"—a typew- wait I wasn't—!"

Like a runaway freight train, Surprise rolled right over her and only continued to pick up speed as she went.

"Rainbow Dash: The Cutlery Set. Rainbow Dash: The Light-up Horseshoe. Rainbow Dash: The Essential Oil. Rainbow Dash: The Nasal Decongestant. Rainbow Dash: The Nasal Recongestant. Rainbow Dash: The Machete. Rainbow Dash: The Burger Princess Special Menu Option: half chicken, half hayburger patty on a blue bun with seven-colored ketchup. Rainbow Dash the—"

“Stop, stop, stop!” She’d had it! She couldn’t take it anymore! Dash leapt from her chair like a wild animal, startling Surprise enough to send her toppling out of her own chair and sending her stack of papers flying. “This is ridiculous! Is this some kind of hazing prank for new members? Did Spitfire put you up to this? Fleetfoot? Pinkie?! There's no way any of these are real products; what sane pony would even buy them?!"

Surprise harrumphed. Not the sound, she genuinely said the word as she righted her chair and sat back down. "Harrumph. Shows what you know about merchandising. All these products tested very well with our focus group." She pulled the cord of the window curtain, causing it to retract and roll up into the ceiling. The sudden light revealed that the window was actually a one-way-mirror leading to an interview room. A room stuffed to the brim with all the products she'd mentioned and dozens more besides.

At the very center, wearing and eating and using as many products as she possibly could at once, was a very familiar orange and magenta filly.

"Yes, yes!" she cackled, stuffing her face with Rainbow Dash the nachos and Rainbow Dash the ice cream float as she sat atop her Rainbow Dash the massage chair with her Rainbow Dash the cricket bat. "More! Bring me more! I want it all! Five stars! Three hooves! One hundred out of ten! More Dash for the Dash throne!"

And just like that, all the pieces clicked into place. "Hey Surprise."

"Yes?"

"Have you ever heard of a thing called a 'statistical outlier'?"

"I'm familiar with the concept."

Rainbow Dash lifted her hoof to point at the filly basking in the center of her own paradise. "That's her right there. President and Founder of the Rainbow Dash Fan Club."

Surprise looked at the filly, then looked at her scattered notes, then looked at the emporium of merchandise, then back to the filly.

“Huh. I see your point. Maybe we just stick with some posters and plushes to start, then see how the market reacts.”

“Probably a good idea.”

Author's Note

Yes, Surprise is a canon Wonderbolt. She even has a few brief onscreen lines.
No, she does not have a tag in Fimfiction's tagging library.

I think this came out alright. Definitely worth abandoning my previous entry idea
at the last minute because it was not working out at all.