The "Grand Mage" Anon

by Zlaggi

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Random, Slice of Life, Human, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2687

Anon had three wishes granted. A change of scenery, a pizza and overpowered magic.

One fateful day Anon stumbled upon a lamp. Said lamp hosted a being of insurmountable power. For freeing him, he offered Anon three wishes. He wished for stupidly overpowered magic, a change of scenery and an infinite slice of pizza. What will he do with said combination? Cure world hunger? Cure all diseases? Or just be a general nuisance on a small town?

The very scuffed cover art is made by me in 15 minutes.

Published 2024-08-09 17:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-08-09 17:30:00 UTC

Of Pizza And Magic

Who thought that getting thrown across multiple dimensions at the speed of light could be an uncomfortable experience?

Anon sure as hell didn't know that fact.

It wasn't painful, it was just very, very uncomfortable. All his senses were overloaded. Anon could feel hundreds of things rush past him. He could see thousands of different realities pass by him. The speed at which he was travelling made everything look elongated.

It could have been minutes or hours that he spent travelling through the thousands of realities until he felt himself slow down.

He could see multiple worlds slowly shrink until they were completely gone. The sights around him replaced by a very lush green hillside. With a medieval looking town ways away.

There only was one problem.

Anon was free falling from the sky. Without a parachute. Without any object that could help him descend in any kind of graceful manner.

So he did the only thing he could think of.

"HOLY SHIIIIIIIIT!" Anon had never screamed so loud in his life, he'd be impressed if his thoughts weren't clouded by fear.

"Ah fuuuck what do I do now? That damn lamp dude seriously-" Anons eyes widened as he realised something. He used one of his three wishes for the ability to cast magic. If he did have magic couldn't he just save himself?

"Uhm, hocus pocus please teleport me to the ground?" Anon pointed his finger at the grassy hillside below him.

It did nothing.

"Think! Think!" Anon's brain tried to remember anything from any kind of fantasy media he had read or watched to try and mimic.

"Misty step?" He pointed at the approaching ground once more. It did nothing.

"Teleport!" Nothing yet again.

'Fuck what was that one show I watched recently? What did that one dumb sounding wizard say?' Anon's snapped his fingers as he remembered the show he had watched a few days ago.

He raised his arms wide and very dramatically yelled. "Greater teleportation." And nothing happened. Anon was running out of ideas, he would have to think of something before the approaching ground came to give him a very solid hug.

"Uh.. what if?" He didn't know where the feeling came from but he had a sudden urge to extend both his arms in front of him and push them to the sides as if he was swimming. It felt as if his hands sunk into something invisible in the air, he could see that his fingers disappeared into something before a flash of green light surrounded Anon, and the human disappeared from the air, then reappeared on the grassy ground below.

The moment his boots impacted the ground he collapsed onto the grass. "Oh sweet, sweet grass! I'll never leave your side." Anon laid on his back in the grass. He could feel the tiny green blades on his arms and neck.

He never really bothered to just relax outside like this, he'd always been too busy with work or playing videogames to bother and just lay on the grass. He could get used to this.

Anon closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

Then with a sudden SPLAT something landed on his face. Something warm, something that smelled.... Quite good actually.

"Mffh." Anon mumbled, the attacking thing still stuck on his face.

Anon picked up the thing and opened his eyes.

"Oh sweet! My slice of pizza." Anon inspected his pizza slice. It was a decent sized slice with extra cheese, kebab, ham and a few other slices of meat. He took a big bite out of it and chewed. It tasted like the best damn slice of pizza he's ever had. He could practically feel his arteries clogging up.

As he continued eating, the pizza suddenly regained it's lost part and appeared whole again.

"Damn, this thing could end world hunger if it was in the right hands. It's too bad that it ain't." He then took another bite and watched as the pizza regrew it's missing part yet again.

He could have spent the whole day just watching the pizza repair itself but he had something better to do, like see the capabilities of his new magical powers.

"I need to find a better place for you." Anon thought out loud, as he shook the pizza slice, a piece of meat fell down to the grass as he did, but the pizza regrew it back in an instant.

Anon decided to simply hold on to it until he found a good place to put it down. He wasn't sure if the pizza slice would repel grime, now that he thought about it, would he need to clean it in the future or will simply slicing the pizza at the crust restore it back to a completely eatable state?

"Now, what can these hands do?" Anon cracked his knuckles on his right hand and smiled. "Time to get magical."

For Starling Glimmer, her day had started perfectly normal. She had awoken from her bed in her mentor's castle, she had a completely normal breakfast, she brushed her teeth and she had catched up on a few personal projects of her's. The day was starting to look like any other.

Well, that was until a huge blast of magical energy nearly made her fall off her chair. "What the hay was that?" Starlight could do nothing but exclaim in surprise as she catched herself on the corner of her desk.

As the blast wave of magic ran over her she could feel that it was very powerful and old. For some reason she felt that something very old might have just awoken, and the concerning thing was that it came from somewhere near Ponyville.

The door to Starlight's room was hastily opened and a worried looking alicorn barged inside. "Starlight? Did you feel that?" Slight traces of excitement and fear lingered on her face.

Starlight nodded. "What do you think caused it?" Both ponies came to an understanding before either could even ask it, as they both left the room and started heading towards the origin point of the magical anomaly.

"I'm not sure, I hope it isn't something too dangerous." The sliver of excitement bloomed behind Twilight's eyes. She had never experienced this kind of magic before, it was different, intoxicating and ancient in making.

The quiet atmosphere of the morning in Ponyville was sliced open like a hot knife through butter, when a giant green explosion sounded just outside of the small town, followed closely behind by another flash of green magic.

"I think we might have to cross off the not dangerous part of this anomaly from our list." Starlight nervously chuckled as they both changed their pace in to a gallop.

"This is amazing!" Anon cackled as another green bolt of energy shot out through his fingers and blasted yet another small crater into the dirt, sending mud and grime flying in all directions. "Who knew magic could be so exhilarating." Anon panted in the sun as sweat dropped down his brow into the disturbed earth underneath him. As he looked over the damage he'd done he couldn't help but smile at the newfound power that he had. Small sparks of electricity still made their presences known with green flashes in the dirt.

Anon wiped the sweat off his brow and straightened his posture, but before he could start crazily casting raw magic at the earth again, a voice made itself known to him.

"Hello!" A feminine voice came from behind him. "Could you tell us what you're doing?"

Oh shit, that probably was a cop. He'd get punished for his reckless foolishness. He hoped that this wasn't someone's private property, in some cases that could be worse than if the land was owned by the government.

Anon turned around to face whoever spoke to him, but to his surprise instead of the police, two unicorns stood there watching him with curiosity.

Anon was taken aback, of all the things he could have expected, seeing a pair of unicorns wasn't on his list. One had a lilac coloured coat and a purple mane with a blue stripe running through it, and the other was purple with dark blue hair with a pink stripe running through her mane, he did spot a pair of wings that rested on her sides. Anon squatted down so he'd be on their level, he was slightly stunned from seeing two mythological creatures standing before him. "Cute little unicorns?" Was all the words that he could form.

A slightly deeper colour of red spread on both of the mares cheeks and they took a step back at the very forward words of the man.

"Cute?" The winged unicorn asked in confusion. "Little?" The normal unicorn asked.

Right of course, they were the ones who spoke, Anon had nearly forgotten the fact that he wished for a change of scenery, he guessed that all the events that happened in such a short amount of time made him temporarily forget that he probably wasn't on earth anymore.

Anon cleared his throat and stood back up. "You're probably here about the explosions?" Both of the mares nodded.

"Did you do all this?" The winged unicorn raised an eyebrow in a questioning manner. "And if so, why?"

Anon's eyes narrowed, he was certain that he'd be in trouble if he was to tell the truth. He doubted they would like to hear that he just went on a sudden magic fueled rampage against the poor dandelions. "Ah- I was." His thoughts raced to find any sort of explanation. "-Fighting a-" Think brain THINK! "-a demon? Yes. I was fighting against a giant demon, I just got done kicking his ass to next Tuesday. You both should remember this as the day that the great and powerful Anonymous vanquished a demon and saved your town!" He spread his arms wide and green lightning sparked between his fingers.

Both of the mares in front of him looked at each other before simultaneously asking. "The great and powerful Anonymous?"

A smile spread on his lips, this was the perfect opportunity to create his own backstory in this new world. The days of being a mere office worker were now long behind him! Say goodbye to A4 paper, long work hours and crippling depression!

He leaned in a bit closer to the mares. "Yes, the great and powerful grand sorcerer Anonymous, but you lovely ladies can call me Anon, has decided to crash at this universe for the foreseeable future." He spread his arms wide apart, trying to seem like someone of great importance. He thought that he might actually be selling this false image.

Both of the ponies seemed to freeze at his words, the first pony to make their brain work again was the normal unicorn. "Did you just say that you're from another universe?"

The winged unicorn whispered. "Grand sorcerer?"

"Yes! And Yes! I am the greatest mage of my universe and I have all the proof right here!" Anon presented the slice of pizza to both of the mares. "It is an invention I made with my magical prowess! An infinite slice of pizza." He then took a large bite out of it and the pizza regrew in an instant. "All the problems of food shortage have been nullified and no one will ever be hungry again." Anon then paused as he realised something. "Wait, you can eat meat right?" His question was answered by two mostly intrigued and interested faces turning to that of disgust.

"Are you a carnivore?" The purple pony asked, a look of slight disgust still on her face.

"Omnivore. You don't have to worry about me eating you or anything." A slight look of disappointment flashed across his face which was expertly hidden behind a mask in a flash. "Hmm, I guess I won't be winning anyone over with this slice of pizza over here."

Anon shrugged. "Well, more pizza for me then." Anon took another bite from his pizza, but before he could do anything else he spotted a blur of pink rushing towards the small group of three. "Hey, what is that?" Anon casually pointed at the approaching ball of doom that was rapidly approaching their destination.

"Get down!" The winged unicorn shouted right before the ball of pink zoomed over the two other ponies and impacted Anon right in the chest. The ball of pink and Anon both flew a few meters back and landed into a hole that he had made in the dirt.

Both of the unicorns quickly ran up to the hole they saw two figures laying in the dirt. First was the "grand sorcerer" Anon and on top of him was a certain pink party pony.

"Ooh! So you are the one my pinkie sense was telling me about! This is so exiting! I need to throw you a welcome to ponyville party!" She then jumped into the air and very exaggeratedly gasped. "No! It needs to be a welcome to Equestria party!"

Both unicorns exchanged a look. They had never seen Pinkie this exited before.

Before anybody could even react Pinkie seemed to pull everyone present into a giant party. To say that Anon was confused would have been an understatement, he just sat there on his ass in the middle of an unfamiliar town where a party had seemingly appeared in a flash. "What the hell?" Were the only words that he could get out of his mouth.

He was suddenly surrounded by hundreds of ponies partying on the streets of a medieval looking town. In front of him stood a circular building that Anon might have guessed was the town hall, a banner was hanged up on it's second floor balcony. It read "Welcome to Equestria Anonymous!" How anyone had the time set up a party of this scale in such a short amount of time was a great feat of magic or some sort of eldritch power.

Suddenly his vision was invaded by something very pink. "Were you surprised? Were you? Huh?!" The words coming out of the pink pony's mouth seemed to go at the speed of sound as she bounced up and down in place.

"Uh, yes?"

"Ooh, whatcha got there?" It seemed that the pink pony saw the slice of pizza in his hand.

"It's a slice of pizza." Anon held up the slice for the pony to inspect.

She gave it a big whiff before gagging. "Is that meat?"

"Yep."

"How about you eat some cupcakes instead? They are way better than some yucky meat." She pulled out a perfectly preserved cupcake from her mane. Anon wondered how she even did that, but he did accept the cake. He did inspect it for any strands of hair before taking a bite out of it though. It was pretty good.

The approaching hoofsteps alerted Anon to the arrival of the two unicorns he saw before. "Hello again Anon. We didn't get the chance to introduce ourselves. My name is Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship and this here is my student Starlight Glimmer. We were wondering if you'd like to answer some of our questions regarding you, your magic, the fact that you are from another universe and that pizza slice."

Anon shrugged. "Sure, what do you want to know."

"Uh oh, you shouldn't have said that." Pinkie whispered into Anon's ear as she quickly hopped back into the center of the party.

A wide grin slowly made itself know on Twilight's face as a notebook and quill appeared from thin air. "Everything." She said in a menacing voice.

Something in Anon screamed that he just made the worst mistake of his new life.

Author's Note

Yet another shitpost HUZZAH! This story was brought to you by a spur of the moment idea at 2 AM.

Not sure if I should continue this story or not. I personally like the idea. If enough people like this I might make something a bit longer out of this.