Rarity’s meat grinder

by OP

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Gilda, Rarity, Random, Slice of Life, Sweetie Belle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1218

“I’m sorry, but you said that your contraption does what?” (Dialogue only shortfic competition entry)

Everyone’s favorite unicorn is doing something else today so I'm writing about Rarity instead.

This short fic is just practice for writing Rarity and Sweetie Belle as I weave them into my long fic. Let me know if I’m getting the vibes right; that's all I really care about with this.

Edit: There's a dialogue contest so might as well incorporate this into that. Puts some constraints on where I was planning to go with the story, but hey, it's a nice challenge.

Published 2024-05-04 06:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-05-04 06:20:01 UTC

Why did Sweetie quit her job as a butcher? Because she got tired of the grind! Eh? Huh?! I like to have fun here.

“It grinds meat. Meat grinder. Didn’t Rainbow Dash fill you in?”

“N-no, I can’t say that she did. It looks… heavy.”

“Pfft, what, this? It’s hardly ten pounds.”

“I was going for more of a metaphorical weight. Gilda, do you actually use that thing? I’m starting to change my mind. I don’t want microscopic bits of flesh getting into the applesauce.”

“Don’t sweat, it’s brand spanking new. As for using them, it’s very simple. Put the meat – or apples, I guess – into the funnel and crank the handle. Back home we use these to make hot dogs out of fish and rats. Dee-lish.”

“Yes, how delectable.”

“Alright, I gotta jet. Get this to RD by Friday and be sure to clean it before I pick it up!”

‘It’s just a few apples. No issue. You don’t even need to touch the appliance with your hooves. Just, steadily lower one into the top end, turn the crank, and out comes the mush. Next, toss it into a pot with some sugar and spice, and you have a nice batch of applesauce.’

“Hmph, and who says I can’t cook? Pinkie Pie will be floored when I bring my gift to Apple Jack’s birthday party. After all, it’s the thought that counts, and this is requiring far more thought than I anticipated.”

‘Ok, first apple in. Turning the crank… Oh! This is pretty easy. By this rate, I’ll be done in no—'

“What are you doing?”

“Gah! Bones! In the… oh, it’s just you. For a second, I thought that horrid cracking sound was a leftover mouse rib inside the grinder.”

“Wha—, hey! My voice doesn’t crack! Oop… I mean, I’m getting better with it.”

“Of course you are, Sweetie. Just remember to speak from the chest.”

“Why are you so sassy today? I just got home from school; I haven’t even had the time to do anything yet.”

“Sassy? Moi?!”

“Yes, you-waah.”

“Alright, you’ve caught me. Poor Rarity is sassy, but I’ve a good reason.”

…

“Rarity?”

“What?”

“The reason?”

“Oh, right, my apologies. I’m a little focused right now. Let me do this last apple, and… ok. Well, Apple Jack’s birthday is coming up and last year I embarrassed myself by making her a dress.”

“I remember helping you with that! It was the green one with frills and little trees on it, right?”

“Yes, that’s the one. Anyway, she appreciated the gesture, but AJ only goes out to experience refined culture once or twice a year, so her dress, how did she put it… ‘collects more dust than Granny’s rocker on harvesting day.’”

“So, you’re grinding apples for her?”

“No, I’m going to prove to her that I can expand upon one of my lesser talents and produce a pearl of sentimentality. That, and the girls, mostly Pinkie, will eat all of the applesauce before the party is over and no one will say that my gift went unused this year.”

“How does this have anything to do with you being rude…”

“It was a slip of the tongue! I’m just stressed out by the morbidity of this ghastly gadget. Please don’t say I’m rude, my little sister, my munchkin boo boo~”

“Stop pinching my face.”

“Right, well I asked Rainbow Dash for some help mashing apples since I didn’t want to stain my hooves or make a mess, but she said, ‘Don’t get your mane in a twist, I know just the thing. Gilda showed me this wicked cool turny machine used for crunching up stuff. Isn’t that cool, Rarity? Isn’t that so coooool?’”

“Seems like you don’t think it’s cool.”

“Hmm. Yes, well she failed to mention to me that it is also used to homogenize animal tissue.”

“Huh?! Let me see, I can’t get a good look at it from down here. I’m too short. Can you lift me up on the table?”

“You really can’t see from there? Alright, fine, here you go.”

“Hey, wait a second, I saw one of these before! It was a little rusty, but Apple Bloom showed me one on her farm!”

“Oh, really? Why would they ever need one of these?”

“She said that after their pigs have babies, they take the afterbirth and grind it up to mix into their fertilizer.”

“I… I… Sweetie, you aren’t allowed to go to the farm until after the party when I can ask the Apples about their husbandry practices.”

“Aww, come on, that’s not fair! Hey, are you ok, Rarity? You’re looking a little green.”

“Perhaps I am envious of myself from five seconds ago before I came to your –hurk– revelation. Excuse me for a moment, I need to pow –gah– powder my nose. Do not touch anything, please.”

“Okiedokie.”

“I’ll be just a moment. Sweet Celestia, why does the bathroom door always stick?”

“I won’t touch a thing. Not with my hooves, anyway. The juicer cutiemark is as good as mine, muahaha!”

“Ptooey.”

‘Ugh. Why does it always come out of my nose? Such an unladylike way to vomit. Well, I suppose there’s no ladylike way to do it… Maybe I’ll just let it dribble out of the corner of my mouth next time. Well, this is as fresh as I’ll get. I just need to bare the acrid sting and hope Sweetie doesn’t notice the smell of half-digested hayburgers. If she knows I eat hayburgers on Wednesdays and blabs, then my whole image is going to be ruined! Ok, maybe a few more gargles of soap.’

“I’m sorry I took so long, Sweetie Belle, I should have helped you off the table, I— GOOD HEAVENS!”

“It’s… uh. It’s not what it looks like.”

“It looks like you’ve spilled apple puree on my floor and have the drapes caught in Gilda’s machine! How did you even get yourself tangled up into them, halfway off the ground?! If you fall, you could break your neck!”

“You said you were going to change the curtains out next week! Also, my neck is still fine so no need to be upset!”

“Oh, don’t you get smart with me now, missy. You’re adding to the heap of trouble you’ve gotten yourself into.”

“sorry…”

“Squeaked like a true mouse. I’m grateful you didn’t manage to get your mane caught in the machine. I can’t imagine Twilight has a spell that can un-mince a patty of ground sister-meat. Oh, and what am I going to tell Gilda? You shouldn’t apologize to me but to her! I have no idea how much this grinder costs and it may be broken.”

“I-I think it’s ok! I stopped right when I got tangled, and the curtain didn’t come out at the other end. Try spinning it back the other way.”

“Alright, I’ll give that a shot.”

“Hey, it’s wor—ahh!”

“Sweetie Belle! Oh no, are you alright? I should have untangled you first! Oh goodness, please say something, Sweetie!”

“C… come closer.”

“I’m here, Sweetie Belle.”

“Did… did I…”

“Don’t strain yourself, dear.”

“Did I get my cutiemark?”

“Sweetie?”

“Yes?”

“You’re grounded.”

Author's Note

A whole Rarity fic without saying "darling!"

Give me a medal.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHJ03jvzifo