Pie is the most delicious, most complete, most versatile, most comforting, and all around best food every created in the history of Equestria. And I should know. I’m a Wonderbolt. Okay, maybe that doesn’t count as a reputable credential but this does: I am the 5-Time Canterlot Fair Pie Eating Champion, I’m subscribed to 13 different pie and baking related magazine subscriptions, I currently have bakers on speed-dial in each major city across Equestria in case of a Pie Emergency (Cause a Pie Emergency in nothing to trifle with), and I’m preparing to open my “Pie Only” bakery “Pie in the Sky”.
Overboard, obsessive, crazy? Maybe, but pie is worth it. And as biased as I might be, I can’t seem to find a food that could possibly top pie in the “Best Food in All of Equestria” category (which I’m sure in the royal archives there exists such a title). Sure there are other “possible” competitors. Doughnuts for instance have their flashes of brilliance. Fried dough covered in icing, topped with sprinkles, drizzled in sauces, filled with assorted jellies and custards and crèmes, or simply covered in either cinnamon or powdered sugar…is there anything not to like about that? But as amazing as having a fresh jelly donut might be, it still lacks where pie excels.
Some have the audacity to claim that cake is a worthy opponent. How in Equestria could cake POSSIBLY be considered better than pie?! In what possible way is “Celestia’s Guilty Pleasure” better than the pinnacle of perfection that is the pie? But, to be fair, I’ll prove to you why I’m right…and cake lovers are wrong.
Much goes into the composition of a great dessert. A balance of sweetness, without being overly sweet, needs to be achieved. I mix of textures is a must. Depths of flavor as well as versatility are both envious traits of a dessert as well. I mean really, if it were ONLY about being the sweetest then the best dessert would probably resemble a bowl of pure sugar (which I’m sure some of you ponies wouldn’t object to consuming). But a bowl of sugar is not a dessert.
So obviously being the sweetest is not the defining feature of a great dessert. This is where the cake stumbles first. What is the best part, if any, to the cake? As I’m sure that many of you would say the frosting. The frosting is why ponies love cake so much. The cake itself is just a sturdy, edible, medium for transporting frosting from plate to mouth. The cake itself, for the most part, is bland, dry, tasteless, and visually depressing. In a word, boring. Even if the cake is pleasantly moist it still seems dry in a personality sense.
But cake can get away with this thanks to its tasty covering. It’s the frosting that gives a cake character. The frosting deserves most, if not all, of the cake’s fame. It’s the visually stunning part with all the dainty colored flowers, bright ribbons and borders, and colorfully hoof written endearments. Honestly I’d probably sleep better if they changed cake’s name to Frosting. It would make more sense in my opinion.
Only problem with frosting is that it’s basically squishy colored sugar. It has deceptively hidden its truly simple nature behind a veil of colors and shapes. But most ponies couldn’t care less. Especially our younger fillies and colts. All they care about is sugar, sugar, and more sugar (I weep for our younger generation). Sugar, sugar, and sugar a perfect dessert does not make. So how does cake get away with it? Honestly I have no idea
Now compare this to the pie. Pie derives most of its sweetness and flavors from its fillings, which there are many. Where cake is left at simple flavors, or flavor combinations, such as chocolate, vanilla, strawberry; pie explodes with variety. Yes there are exceptions such as carrot cake or red velvet cake but these hardly compete with the flavors pie can offer. Even something as simple as an apple pie can best any flavored cake out there. Don’t be deceived by its simple title, an apple pie is a work of art. A great apple pie does not simply consist of sugar, apples, and crust. A glorious combination of apples, Granny Smith, Honey Crisp, Golden Delicious, Macintosh (for instance) make up for a overwhelmingly pleasing combination of sweet, tart, crisp, and softness.
In addition to a concoction of apples that would resemble a certain family reunion, a plethora of additives can be, well, added. And these ingredients look not to cover up the flavor of the apples, but enhance it. In the case of an apple pie, a combination of cinnamon, brown sugar, butter, oats, slivered almonds, nutmeg, and cloves turn the flavor up to 11 without shoving apples out of the picture.
And let us not forget the crust. Arguably the best part of the pie. And with good reason! After all what’s there not to like about a flaky, buttery crust? Not only does it add richness to balance out the pie, but it offers texture.
So you have the spiciness, the sweetness, and tartness of the filling; add to that the crunchiness, butteryness, and flakiness of the crust. ..pause for foodgasm.
Okay, now back to what I was saying. The nesses of an apple pie could go on for pages. And that’s not taking into consideration the tact that goes into a chocolate silk pie, or the depth of warmth you find in a pumpkin pie, or the pleasant twang of a strawberry rhubarb pie. How does cake fair now? Now slightly sweetened sponges covered in frosting doesn’t sound as appealing does it? Oh? Still not convinced? Alright then.
As a Wonderbolt, as you can imagine, I spend a great deal of my time air bound. I mean, it’s my job after all. Does this interfere with my 10am, 1pm, 3pm and 6pm pie times? Not in the least! How do I manage to consume seemingly copious amounts of pie (considering there is such thing as a copious amount of pie) miles away from the nearest table and plate? Easy!
Next to the pie itself, pocket pies were the most ingenious thing ever created. Some absolute genius decided that it was a good idea to take pie filling, wrap it in flaky pastry, and deep fry it until a glorious brown. You are now left with a “flyable pies” (as I like to call them). Now whether I’m rushing off to our next performance or grabbing a quick “mid-flight snack” I always have a pie available. Can cake offer the same mobility? No, but they do offer a notable try.
I give you, the cupcake. Basically the same composition as your run-of-the-mill cake: bland or possibly slightly less bland cake covered in mounds of frosting. But this is not always the case for cupcakes. For some reason ponies tend to be more creative with cupcakes than cake cakes. I’m sure you of all ponies are familiar with the show “Cupcake Battles”? Estrogen infused bakers battle to make the most ridiculous and obnoxious cupcakes. Orange juice and mint cupcake with a black licorice frosting? I’ll give them points for creativity. But that’s not to say that the cupcake exceeds the depth of complex flavor combinations that only pie offers, but at least they try.
But the cupcake does surpass its predecessor in one dimension: mobility. Although it does a piss poor job of it compared to a pocket pie, the cupcake does prove to be more versatile in hoof than a slice of your typical 3-layer cake. But that’s not saying much. Instead of going with a top heavy slice of cake, you’re now left with a smaller, still top heavy, piece of cake wearing an inedible wrapping. At least the pocket pie has the decency to be 100% edible while remaining 100% mobile.
And this issue with wearing an inedible wrapping is that although you can now hold your dessert you now have to pile the frosting that would’ve been reserved for the sides of the cake on top. This makes eating a uniform bite of cupcake impossible! You end up either with bite of just cake or a bite of just frosting. Either way it’s depressing and sad and drives me almost to tears...almost. It’s even worse with your “Hoity Toity” cupcakes; most of the flavorful additions topple off with transport and they have to resort to being “enjoyed” with a plate and fork. Thereby rendering these cupcakes non-versatile and thereby pointless.
Before you interrupt to say “okay, you’re right. Pie is best” I have one last statement I would like to make. Our last category is versatility…no, not like aforementioned. I mean versatility in flavors combinations…no, not like I said earlier. What do I mean then? I’m talking about savory in addition to sweet.
Have you ever had a roasted veggy pie, with a delicious medley of carrots, peas, potatoes, onion, beets? Covered in thick gelatinous gravy and again covered in a buttery crust. Or how bout a quiche? Fluffy eggs, suspending and deliciousness you happen to mix in, topped with melted cheese. Ohh I’m drooling just thinking about it! Now, pie is no longer one dimensional in terms of food category. They can now be enjoyed for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. And because these are just as nutritious as they are delicious you can still enjoy a slice of pie for dessert. Cake on the other hand remains a one-trick-pony. Overly sweet mounds of disappointment.
In addition to being savory as well as sweet, pies are just as enjoyable hot, warm, cold, room temp, you name it. Cakes on the other hand…not so much. Right out of the oven they lack frosting, as mentioned before that’s the whole point of the cake. They have to cool in order to apply frosting and you miss out on a glorious warm dessert on a cold rainy afternoon. That’s considering you didn’t order a piece of pie. And while better cold than room temperature the cake still doesn’t gain much in texture or flavor from its temp change.
So you see there shouldn’t even be a discussion of which is better. It’s like comparing apples and oranges, pegasi and unicorns, Wonderbolts and everypony else…okay maybe not that last one. You get what I’m saying though. Pie cannot be bested in anyway and remains the pinnacle of food!
Pinkie Pie, who by this point was struggling to keep a chipper grin during the length of this one-sided discussion, proceeded to reply in an unsure tone “Soooo I take it you DON’T want to try my cupcakes?"
“No thanks, but I will have that big apple pie!” Soarin’ said with an air excitement.
As Pinkie removed the large pie from the display counter, Soarin's face shone with happiness that resembled that of a filly on Hearth Warming Day morning. Wasting no time Soarin' dove head first into his guilty baked pleasure.
“Okey Dokey Lokey then!” Pinkie exclaimed in a bouncy tone that suggested that she might have not retained a word Soarin’ said during his lengthy conversation at all.
“How bout you Rainbow Dash? Would you like a cupcake?”
-The End
Ah yes, the cookie. Though I find them to be a far inferior dessert option it still remains a worthy opponent to the pie, believe it or not. Surprised? Don’t be. Though I am a proud pony, willing to defend pie to the death, I’m willing to give credit where credit is due.
Now don’t get carried away. I never said that cookies were BETTER or even equal to the magnitude only found in the holy aura of a pie. But I will admit that of all the desserts that I’ve had both the pleasure and displeasure of consuming; only the cookie can hold a candle to the pie. This mainly due to the fact that pies and cookies are quite alike.
How? Well to start with, cookies and pies both have many variations. Why there only may be a few types of brownies, or even more flavors cakes, cookies and pies leave both of them in the dust. I’ve mentioned before the many enjoyable pies from the brown sugary buttery sweetness that is the Pecan Pie or the voluptuous creaminess of a Coconut Cream Pie. Or the spine tingling tart and sweet combination that is best observed in a Razzleberry Pie. This isn’t even mentioning the warming glow of a Pumpkin Pie, the springy freshness of a Cherry Pie, or the rich velvety consistency of a Chocolate Cream Pie. And as for the qualities found in an Apple Pie, those in themselves are worthy of a poem of perfection. One that could accompany the works of great poets millennia ago that have a rightful shelve in the Canterlot Royal Library.
Cookies are quite similar in this respect. One of the beauties of cookies is that you can throw whatever the heck you want in them and chances are you still have an edible delight on your hooves. I mean, who’s idea was it to throw candy coated chocolate morsels, raisins, peanuts, white chocolate chips, and oatmeal into a cookie? Sounds crazy? Unsophisticated? Maybe, but that’s what you find in a Monster Cookie. Perfect for a rain day when you need a sugar rush. Not your style? How bout the more refined White Chocolate Macadamia Nut? A buttery cookie with a pleasing crunch giving way to a chewy caramel like interior filled with both creamy smooth white chocolate and surprisingly creamy, yet crunchy, Macadamia nuts. Definitely a cookie to impress. Need more buttery? Snickerdoodles define it better than any other cookie. I mean, when the main ingredient is butter and cinnamon sugar it’s impossible to not achieve this desired flavor. And I would have to venture to say that the Chocolate Chip Cookie is the closest thing to rivaling the flavor combination of an Apple Pie.
Now, though neither one really shares any similar flavors, it’s the combination of each dessert that puts it on the top of the dessert pile. Chocolate Chip Cookies have managed to incorporate sweet, salty, crunchy, and chewy all in one bite sized package. Impressive, yes?
You may be asking “So if cookies are so similar to pie, how are pies still better?” To start with I have one word for you: consistency and temperature…okay that was 3 words, but it’s one category! When was the last time you had a soft, flakey, creamy, cool, juicy cookie? I would assume never since I’ve yet to meet a cookie that was able integrate all these qualities. No, dipping cookies in milk doesn’t count and yes, there is at least one pie that can do this.
The Key Lime Pie: the polar opposite to almost any cookie out there yet one of the most delicious creations available in the pie universe. This pie achieves all these qualities seamlessly. From the crust to the filling to the meringue on top, this pie is perfect for that hot summer day. How does the cookie respond? Well, not very well. Although their flavors may be many, consistency remains on level one.
This is not to say because cookies are one dimensional from a texture stand point that they are unworthy of consumption…just means that they aren’t as awesome as pie. But we already knew this. Right?
Plus on top of all this, cookies are a scam anyways. Problem with cookies is that typically the quality is affected by the quantity. To do something right, you have to keep it simple. If you want it complex, you need to limit the quantity. You can’t have both ways, though some try anyways. Sweet Apple Cider is a tribute to this. Yeah, you get pissed when they run out because they didn’t make enough. But if you happen to get up early enough to grab a mug it’s incredible! The flavor is a complex combination of sweet and tangy with a drop of warmth mixed in (think that comes from the love they put in it). This is because they limit their quantity to improve their quality. That’s just the harsh reality.
Great thing about pies is that you can only make so many at one time, usually just one or two at a time. All the love and focus is put into one pie. Any impurity shows up immediately, allowing for the baker to fix the situation. But cookies, cookies are made in batches. They can also be made quickly…this doesn’t bode well for quality either. Problem is that the majority of cookies aren’t being made in small batches by experienced bakers. It’s that filly’s mom who finds out at the last minute it’s her week to bring snacks for her foal’s soccer team. Or it’s that mare whose husband forgot to mention that his parents are in town and will be here in 30 minutes and he wants her to impress them with some home baking. For some reason ponies think that they can rush cookies…and you can’t. Now you could cheat and BUY cookies…but that is just about as bad as serving a plate of dead parasprites (or live ones for that matter). Between eating a “Bits Ahoy” cookie and having every bone in my wing dislocated I’d go with the “having every bone in my wing dislocated”. For one thing, mares love dudes in casts (ever heard of Pity-Filly?). Secondly, I don’t think I’d survive eating such an awful, dry, tasteless, preservative filled, loveless cookie. But somehow behind the veil of brightly colored packages and hip slogans, they get away with selling these atrocities to unsuspecting fillies and colts! Again, I weep for our younger generation…
“And that is why I refuse to promote anypony buying these”
“Damn it Soarin’, I swear to Celestia I can’t I take you anywhere?” Spitfire said hushed tone that was trying to convey her anger to Soarin’ without anypony else hearing her. “We’re supposed to be helping them SELL cookies, or have you forgotten the reason we came out here?”
Soarin’ glanced at a dozen or more fillies that sat at a collapsible table, trimmed in banners for “The Filly Scouts of Equestria” and covered colored boxes of cookies. The fillies, clad in their crisp green vests covered in miscellaneous badges and pins, were wide-eyed and on the verge of tears. He directed his attention back on Spitfire and matter-of-factly stated “Well how will they ever learn if I don’t teach them? When it comes to pies, there are no excuses”
