The Talk

by Shakespearicles

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Lil' Cheese, Shining Armor, Sex, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Princess Cadance, Cheese Sandwich
Length: 1342

It's time for Lil Cheese to learn about the birds and the bees, and everypony wants to help. Surely nothing can go wrong.

It's time for Lil Cheese to learn about the birds and the bees.
And everypony wants to help.
Surely nothing can go wrong.

Written for the Dialogue Only contest.

"Your entry was one of the first fics to make me laugh out loud in a long time. Well done!" - Perfectly Insane

"This was one of, if not THE funniest fics that you have ever made!" - Mc Duck Fan 10

"This fic was so good that it has convinced me to join this contest, just for the opportunity to be judged against it." - AndwhatIseeisme

2347837

Published 2024-05-27 16:30:04 UTC
Last updated 2024-05-27 16:30:04 UTC

The Bird & Bee (& Years of Therapy)

"Hey Dad?"

"Yes, Lil Cheese?"

"Where do foals come from?"

"Oh, uh well, listen, this is really something you should ask your mother about."

"He he! Did somepony just mention me? I just finished kneading the dough for the buns."

"Actually, Pinkie, I knead you to have The Talk with Lil Cheese."

"Talk about what?"

"Um, you know... The Talk. About The birds and the bees?"

"Oh! Well, while I do that, tag in for me in the kitchen and put those buns in my oven."

"Ha!"

"I don't get what's funny about that, Dad."

"Oh, well you see, when your mother asked me to put a bun in her oven, that's a euphemism for-"

"What's a youth a missem?"

"It's like a double entendre."

"How do you double a Tauntaun?"

"No, it's just a turn of phrase."

"How do you turn a phrase?"

"... Pinkie, help me."

"Lil, putting a bun in the oven is another way of saying where foals come from."

"... Foals come from the oven?"

"Well, not literally, silly! It's an analogy."

"Oh, like when you sneeze a lot in the spring?"

"No, that's an allergy. But it is related to spring time."

"How?"

"Well, now that you have your cutie mark, I think you ought to know. In the spring, young mares go into heat and-"

"They get into the oven?"

"No, I mean estrus."

"Aunty Ester's oven?"

"No, I mean... uh, Sandwich, why don't we start with the stallion side of things?"

"Oh, uh, okay. So yeah, in the springtime during estrus, the stallions will smell that, and get erections."

"A wreck shun? Is that like when you crash your derby car and everypony makes fun of you?"

"Incoming!"

"Duck!"

"Ahh!"

"Speaking of a crashing wreck shun, Rainbow Dash, how many times do I have to tell you to use the front door!?"

"But open windows are so much cooler!"

"Ah, see? Another double entendre!"

"Psh! It's almost summer out there! How are you going to double the tundra!?"

"What?"

"What?"

"..."

"So what are you guys up to?"

"We're trying to give Lil Cheese The Talk."

"Ah, yes. I remember The Talk. Never drink cider and fly, Lil Cheese."

"No, Dash, that was your intervention."

"I thought your greatest invention was your party cannon."

"Dash-"

"No. Don't engage her. We're trying to tell Lil Cheese about the birds and bees."

"Oh, the birds and the bees! Don't eat them."

"Thanks Dash. You're a treasure."

"We're trying to explain where foals come from."

"Oh, duh! The stork."

"The stork?"

"Yeah. The stork brings them."

"What? Dash, you don't actually believe that, do you?"

"I dunno. That's just what I was told."

"Is that what they teach you in Cloudsdale?"

"I dropped out of school, remember?"

"Yes, I think you've made that abundantly clear."

"Oh my goodness! Rainbow Dash! I saw you crash into Sugarcube Corner and I flew over here as fast as I could. Are you okay?"

"Of course, Fluttershy! I'm Awesome!™"

"Oh, Fluttershy! You're the perfect pony for this! You can explain to Lil Cheese where foals come from."

"Oh... my..."

"I'm right, aren't I, Shy? It's storks, isn't it?"

"Is it... not?"

"Now hold on just a second, Fluttershy. I know Rainbow Dash dropped out of school. And you literally dropped out of Cloudsdale when you got your cutie mark. But I know you went back to finish school. Didn't they teach you about it there?"

"Oh, um, my parents pulled me out of school for that day."

"Unbelievable."

"Today's apple delivery! The usual bushel."

"Oh, Applejack! Finally! A pony who knows a thing or two about the facts of life!"

"Beg'n yer pardon?"

"We're trying to explain to Lil Cheese where foals come from."

"Oh, well, shucks. It's just like an apple orchard. When the spring heat comes 'round, all you need is a good, rugged stallion to plow yer fertile plot and plant his seed good and deep. And before long you get an Apple to Bloom."

"Foals come from orchard trees?"

"That's twenty percent cooler than coming from storks!"

"No, it's a euphemism."

"What'd you call me!?"

"Easy, Dashie!"

"Pinkie Pie, darling, just the usual croissant for me! I'm in the zone, as it t'were, and I need to get back to the boutique."

"Oh! Rarity! I know you can explain this! Lil Cheese wants to know where foals come from!"

"Oh, well it's quite simple darling! When a mare and a stallion love each other very much-"

"Or had a mite too much cider..."

"Applejack, darling, please! When a mare and a stallion love each other very much they have a fabulous wedding featuring one of my dresses for the bride, and a matching set for all the bridlemaids-"

"I mean, I reckon they don't have to be married..."

"Applejack, darling, we can't be having foals out of wedlock! That would be a sinful affront in the eyes of Celestia; Praise be unto She!"

"Hmff."

"Now as I was saying, darling, they have a fabulous wedding complete with my latest fineries of apparel. And then they go to the hospital to shop for a foal to purchase."

"..."

"..."

"What in tarnation!? That ain't how it be!"

"Applejack, darling, I'm nopony's fool. You and I were there when Mister and Misses Cake selected their foals from the nursery display. I thought it was quite bold of them to select two that were off-brand."

"Off-brand?"

"Yes darling. They're earth ponies and they picked out a unicorn and a pegasus! Not unlike Spoiled Rich, with that zebra foal."

"I reckon that'd be why Filthy is filing for a divorce."

"You and Mom bought me in a hospital?"

"No, Lil Cheese. Rarity doesn't know what she's talking about."

"But you and Mom are married, right?"

"Yes."

"Because you love each other very much?"

"Of course, Lil Cheese."

"So what does that have to do with-"

"Did I hear somepony mention a love problem!?"

"Auntie Cadance!"

"Hello Lil Cheese! What seems to be the problem?"

"Where do foals come from?"

"Ah. Well, when a stallion loves a mare very much-"

"He climbs on her back like this, and-!"

"Shining! NO! This is not show-and tell!"

"Oh my gosh, Dad! You're so freaking embarrassing! I can't go anywhere with you!"

"So I guess we're just doing the Friendship Council here this month?"

"Oh, Twilight! Perfect! You're the smartest pony I know! You can teach Lil Cheese about the birds and the bees!"

"I actually have the perfect book for this in my bag! Here you go, Lil Cheese."

"Fifty Shades of Neigh?"

"No Twilight! Lil Cheese is not learning about the facts of life from one of your smutty erotic fictions!"

"Auntie Pie! Are you going to come back to the kitchen to help me and Pound Cake with these eclairs?"

"Pumpkin, we're trying to give Lil Cheese The Talk about where foals come from."

"Oh, that's easy! Lil Cheese, come here! You see how Pound Cake is going down this row of éclairs and pumping them full of cream filling? It's basically like that. Get it?"

"But these buns have already been in the oven. This whole process seems really messy."

"Ha! It sure is!"

"I'm so confused!"

"That's okay. You'll figure it out."

"..."

"Hey Lil..."

"Yeah Flurry?"

"Come over here, I'll tell you where foals come from."

"Okay."

"Closer."

"You're gonna whisper it?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"......"

"Uh, that sounds like it hurts."

"......"

"Oh. So it is like filling an éclair."

"......"

"Eleven months!?"

"......"

"Okay Flurry, that definitely sounds like it hurts!"

"Yeah. And that, as they say Lil Cheese, is the facts of life."

"... Mom?"

"Are you okay, Lil Cheese? You look like you just saw a ghost. Do you need a hug?"

"Dad! I can't believe you did that to Mom!"

"Oh, I still do! Pretty much every night once you go to sleep. Isn't that right, Pinkie?"

"Yuppers! And that's how you were made!"