Muffins: The Solution (and Cause) to All of Life's Problems

by Tape Deck

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Slice of Life, Carrot Top, Random, Derpy Hooves
Length: 1512

Can't a mare eat a carrot cake muffin in peace?

After a long day of selling carrots, Carrot Top relaxes in her house with a carrot cake muffin without incident.

What you just read was a complete fabrication.

Note: There is a fic here for you to read, but it will be improved upon by me sometime. I can't promise when I will do so, but I can promise that I will.
(Big thanks to -TheStoryteller- for writing the semi-canon Chapter 2, and to TotalOverflow for giving me some very helpful criticism. Go check out those guys.)

Credit for Carrot Top's characterization goes to previous stories I've read about her by Blue Cultist, Meta Four, and Knight Breeze (as well as my own thoughts). I recommend the stories which include her by those authors wholeheartedly.

(Oh, and I have to mention the inspiration for the story itself, which was these excellent comics. The actual sources to the comics are linked in that blog post as well.)

Published 2024-05-08 01:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-05-12 14:21:53 UTC

The Next Day (written by The Storyteller). (Canon?)

The next day...

knock knock<

Grumbling, Carrot Top stumbled out of bed and staggered to her front door. Shen opened it to find a smiling pegasus looking up at her. "Derpy? It's five in the morning...what are you doing here?"

Derpy's grin grew even broader as she held a plate of muffins out to her. "I just couldn't wait another minute to try one of your carrot cake muffins, so I brought you these to trade!"

Carrot Top stared at the muffins, then gazed at her with a flat expression. "These all have bites taken out of them..."

Derpy's face flushed. "Heh heh...like I said, I couldn't wait!"

"..."

"..."

"So! Can I have one?!"

The door slammed as Carrot Top went back to bed.

Author's Note

Go check out this guy.
His stories are great.

An Intrusion (BETA)

It had been a long summer day for Carrot Top. She had gone to her stand at the marketplace with a full cart of her namesake, and a decent amount of bits was made on her part. Business had been slow that day, however, so it took some time to completely sell out her stock.

Dinner had been a sandwich from Pony Joe’s, and she was surprised to learn that they served actual food there.

Guess he wants to expand his consumer base a little, Carrot Top thought to herself.

After she finished her meal, she trotted back to her small farm, which was near Sweet Apple Acres. When she made it inside her house at around six in the evening, she flopped herself onto her couch.

Darn, it feels good to get off my hooves.

Her living room was moderately decorated. Built into a wall was a large fireplace that contained the ashes of the last winter load she had bought from Burnt Oak, the firewood salestallion. Carrot Top took a look at the various paintings which adorned the remaining wall space, which were mostly related to either farming, or strangely enough, french fries.

Mmm. Fries and ketchup. I need to stop by The Hayburger again soon. Those little horseshoe-shaped nuggets of heaven beckon to me. I may be a carrot farmer, but there's certain things you can only do correctly with potatoes.

After she stopped salivating over her desire for fried potatoes, Carrot Top closed her eyes and took a nap.

About an hour and a half later, Carrot Top yawned and rubbed her eyes to wake herself up.

I definitely needed that nap after today.

She then noticed that her stomach had started to rumble.

Why’d I daydream about food before taking a nap? Now my body’s had time to think about being hungry during my slumber.

Carrot Top decided that she deserved a treat after the long day of work she had, so she got up, stretched a little bit, and walked to her kitchen. Once she was there, she opened her cupboard.

Where’d I put that container? she thought. It’s not this one, and this other one’s the leftover cookies from yet another one of Pinkie’s “Welcome to Ponyville” parties. It’s not these crackers…ah, here it is. My famous carrot cake muffins. (Well, at least among my friends.)

She took out the glass bowl of muffins and brought it over to a counter. Carrot Top then got out a plate from an overhead cabinet and placed it next to her cache of muffins. It took a precise pulling angle—and plenty of effort—but she finally broke the tight seal the rubber lid had formed with the container. She took out a single muffin, put it on the plate, and replaced the lid on her remaining muffins.

Five left. Don’t know how long they’ll last, though, they being as scrumptious as they are.

She made her way back to her living room with the muffin in tow and set the plate down on an end table. Carrot Top walked over to her bookshelf and pulled out a Carrot Farmer’s Digest magazine, which she took back to her couch to read while she ate her muffin.

I mean, the articles are still interesting, but do the ponies who publish this really think that they can keep shortening the page count on us? When I was a little filly, my parents would read me the joke pages, and each issue of the magazine was 130 pages long! Now they're barely making it to 105.

At least my muffins haven't declined in quality.
Oh…so good.

Carrot Top quickly finished her snack down to the last crumb, but continued to read her magazine.

After a little while, Carrot Top suddenly heard a loud thump come from the direction of her kitchen. She set down her magazine and crept slowly towards where the sound had come from.

What she found was a certain blonde-maned pegasus holding a rubber lid who was sprawled out on the floor.

“What in the world are you doing in my kitchen at eight o'clock at night, Derpy?!” exclaimed Carrot Top.

“Ow…” groaned Derpy. “You Earth ponies put the lids back on your containers too tightly.”

Carrot Top facehooved. “You were trying to sneak a muffin, weren't you. If you had just asked, I would have been happy to give you one.”

“Well, I didn't know if you would want to at this hour, so I tried sneaking in through your kitchen window. I made it down to the floor alright, but I just couldn't take the lid off of your container of muffins, and the force I exerted made me fall over. I'm sorry I tried pulling a stunt like that,” apologized Derpy.

Carrot Top stood there for a second with a look of bewilderment on her face.

“Why’d you want one of my muffins that badly at this time of night, anyways?” she asked Derpy.

“See if you can figure it out,” replied the pegasus with a playful hint of sarcasm.

“Point taken,” Carrot Top answered.

“So…can I have one?” Derpy inquired with a meek voice.

Carrot Top shot a nasty glare back at her, then sighed. “Come back tomorrow.”

“Oh, thank you, Golden. Thank you so much! I swear I’ll never try to take your muffins without asking ever again!” Derpy said with levels of excitement Carrot Top had only seen before in Pinkie Pie.

“You know I go by “Carrot Top”, right?”

“Oh yeah, sorry about that. I’m just used to seeing your real name when I read it on the mail I deliver to your house, I guess,” said Derpy.

I really should go to the post office and have them fix that, thought Carrot Top.

She said her goodbyes to Derpy, and the mailmare headed outside into the darkening sky of early evening.

Carrot Top shut the door to her house and went back to the kitchen to put her muffins back into the cupboard. Properly, this time, so they weren't in easy reach of any would-be pilferers.

I can't believe I left the window open in here. That's got to be how Derpy found her way inside.
That crazy pegasus probably flew her way in. You gotta love that mare, though. She's one of the nicest ponies around town, when it all comes down to it.

After closing the window, Carrot Top went to her bathroom to prepare for bed.

Hope I sell out faster tomorrow, she thought as she brushed her teeth.

I don't know why Minuette decided to let a toothpaste company put her on their tubes. It's just too weird to see somepony’s smiling face on toiletries.

After Carrot Top was done in the bathroom, she headed off to her room to get some sleep for the night.

Y’know, even though I prefer to not have visitors try to nab my muffins, I was having a pretty boring day. I’ll have to thank Derpy in the morning for making it a little more interesting. And I’ll ask her to cancel my subscription to the Digest, as I think I've had enough of that magazine’s shrinkage.

With a yawn, Carrot Top closed her eyes and fell asleep, happy to have her warm bed, the prospect of future delicious muffins, and a good friend. Even if that friend acted a bit strange sometimes.

And, as usual, she dreamed about french fries that night.

Author's Note

As you might expect from my username, I have a song from my personal collection to go with this fic.

Men at Work: Who Can It Be Now?
(And hey, the lead singer Colin Hay has a lazy eye. So he has something in common with Derpy, it seems.)

Carrot Top's opinion of her magazine's decline may or may not be my own thinly-veiled feelings about Reader's Digest.:unsuresweetie:

And as this is my first story on the site, any suggestions for improvements are welcome.

I'm just glad to finally contribute something back to you wonderful folks who've written so many great stories; many of which I've already read.