Pinkie Pie Discovers the Hazards of Trying to Use Archaeomagnetism in a Sentence

by Lingo

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 4909

Pinkie Pie has a dictionary and a plan, and the only thing standing in her way is Princess Celestia.

Pinkie needs help. Her new word is a doozy and the machinations required to bring her master plan to fruition are deep and treacherous. The stakes are higher than ever this time.

With the assistance of countless historical artifacts, a bunch of books on geology, and Twilight Sparkle, she might just pull it off.

But her brilliant plan hinges on one crucial detail, it only has to nearly end in disaster.

edit: WOOT #1 feature box

Jail cell image by vectorpouch on Freepik

Published 2024-11-21 13:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-11-21 13:50:00 UTC

Setup

The soul-full song of a harmonica drifts through the halls of the dungeons, echoing through empty cells and dusty spaces. Someone would have to do something pretty sinister to deserve incarceration here. Since ponies are a naturally friendly and innocent sort, the dungeons beneath Canterlot Castle had gone mostly unused for the last hundred years or so.

Now they had a new resident, a bubbly pink pony that looked very out-of-place among the dark stone and cold steel bars. Despite the conditions around her, her mane remained poofy and her fur bright. The harmonica against her lips was singing like the walls around them might crumple from the sound.

Pinkie Pie was exactly the kind of pony to deserve imprisonment here. Her crimes were nearly unfathomable. She had committed a truly heinous atrocity.

She made an old lady cry. Twice.

It all started about a week ago, directly following the unprecedented success of Operation P.A.N.C.A.K.E..

Pinkie pie

Arbitrarily

eats some paN-

Cakes

And

Kleans up the

mEss afterwards

Her next mission, use the word archaeomagnetism in a sentence. Her first stop in this endeavor, her sister Maud's house.

Fresh off her rocktorate and living in a gem cave, Maud was a relative expert in the field of all things rock and mineral. If it was hard and underground, she probably knew about it. A lot of stuff underground was super duper old, too! So if anyone might know about dating things using archaeomagnetism, it was her.

On top of that, Pinkie hadn't visited in a bit and wanted to check in.

Luckily for Pinkie, Maud's afternoon was free and she was more than happy, almost ecstatic, to talk about her professional interests with her sister. That most of it went over Pinkie's head was only a minor setback. She borrowed one of Maud's old textbooks with the relevant information. On the way home, she also checked out a book from Twilight's personal library at her castle.

Two evenings of uninterrupted study in the party cave yielded the results she was looking for, but it wasn't enough. This project was too big for her. It was time to recruit the Princess of Peer Review herself.

"Heyyy Twi twi! Do you have a minute to talk shop with me? I've got a project and I need your help with it."

Twilight looked up from her work, glancing across the small mess of papers and folders that currently adorned the cutie map to where her friend had appeared. Twilight had noticed her coming through the door, which was strange enough considering Pinkie's penchant for popping up in random spots to pester her. That alone was enough to grab part of the purple pony's attention.

"I've got a moment, but I'm not sure how much help I can be. I'm no baker, and the last time I tried to experiment with a dish I ended up almost ruining your Hearth's Warming present. But as long as it's not pudding, I can do my best to assist."

Pinkie sat in her designated throne/chair and started to make an airplane from a blank piece of paper.

"No worries, friendo. This isn't kitchen related. It's about old things and dating them. But not the romance for elderly ponies kind-of-dating." The plane was certainly odd looking, and didn't seem very aerodynamic.

Twilight cocked her head to the side. "Wait, is this about your dictionary thing?"

"Exactamundo!" She tossed the plane, and it flew pretty good actually. "The word I'm currently working on is a tough one, and it requires some sciency-researchy stuff that I'm not really used to doing."

"What's the word?"

"Archaeomagnetism."

Twilight thought for a moment, considering the request. She now had a unique opportunity to both take part in one of Pinkie's schemes, while simultaneously getting to do something she personally enjoyed with a friend. And it was THEIR idea for once!

"OK I'm in, what do you need?"

They reconvened the next day after Pinkie's shift at the bakery. Twilight used the time in-between to read up on the field and familiarize herself with most of the calculations. Five minutes after Pinkie arrived, the duo was situated in one of the spare rooms that Twilight hadn't found a use for yet. They had dragged in a white board, a large table and some chairs. Pinkie quickly wrote several items on the board.

Find an old thing to measure the age of that has not already been measured by a different process. (i.e. carbon dating)

Determine the age of said subject using archaeomagnetism.

Check work and summarize data.

Present scholarly findings to the Equestrian Scientific Committee.

She then put a large check mark next to the first item.

"What are we dating?"

"It's a secret!" Pinkie grinned as Twilight groaned.

"Why am I not surprised..."

"I also don't have it physically." Another groan was Twilight's response as she rubbed her temples.

"How are we supposed to measure its age, then, if we don't have it and I don't know what it is?"

"By measuring everything else around it, silly!"

A purple eyebrow rose. "And how is that supposed to work?"

"Because a measurement was, indirectly, taken of our subject some time ago. However, it was taken before most of the math for this field existed, so nopony ever applied it to the math once it DID exist. So all we have to do is to measure a variety of artifacts until we find one with a similar reading to that of our subject."

Twilight's other eyebrow joined the first, changing a look of incredulity to one of surprise and intrigue.

"Why not just apply the math to that measurement, then?"

"Well, I have a feeling that it's older than most artifacts we have. So the best we could do is a rough estimate of a certain age or older, unless we manage to find an item that predates our subject."

"So you're suggesting that we test a bunch of artifacts in order to make a time-map of where the magnetic pole was at various points in history, and then use that to approximate how old our mystery subject is."

"Yuppers! See, this isn't the most popular way of dating old stuff. From what I've read, ponies usually already have an idea of how old something is before they get archaeomagnetistical about it. Things like carbon dating and records of ownership are used to check their work, essentially. The results can then be used to help determine the age of something that we don't originally know.

Like... we know when Princess Platinum lived, mostly. We have her crown, which was said to have been made five generations before, or something. We have records that detail when each member of the Platinum line came into power and inherited the crown from their parent. Using that, we have a rough date-range of when the crown was likely forged.

After we test it, we'll then have a reading of where the magnetic pole was at that point in time and how strong it was. If our subject has a different position or strength, it could be younger or older than the Platinum Crown. If it has a different measurement than something a bit younger than the crown, it could be younger still or even older than them both!"

Twilight stared at her like she just grew a second head.

"Or..." Pinkie rubs her leg, looking bashfully away, "...at least that's what I've read."

"How much research did you do before you asked for my help?"

"A bit... a bunch of it went over my head though."

Twilight sat back, mind racing. Pinkie was astonishingly correct, as far as she could tell. Her reasoning was frightfully sound. This could actually work. If only she would reveal what the mystery object is.

"This is quite an undertaking, Pinkie. We won't finish with this within a week. Are you sure you don't want to find a different way to use this word?"

"It's OK, the other one took a little longer too. That's just the price I'm willing to pay for quality antics. Plus, it sounds kinda fun. It's a lot of math, but so is baking. This math is just different."

"And you still won't tell me what exactly it is we're trying to get the age of?"

"You'll find out at the same time as everyone else, when we present our findings."

Twilight took a deep breath, mentally preparing herself for the road ahead.

"OK Pinkie. Let's do this. I'll start drafting research requests for the Canterlot archives. Start making a list of any artifacts you think we should test. We've got a lot of work ahead of us."

"Why did you do it, Pinkie?" The harmonica fell silent as Twilight walked down the row of cells, one of the few visitors Pinkie had received since she had been imprisoned. "This could have all been avoided if you just told me your plan from the beginning. I could have stopped this."

Pinkie remained silent.

"No, you just had to finish what you started, didn't you? And now it's landed you here. Are you happy now? Are you satisfied?"

Pinkie regarded her friend with an unreadable expression, idly turning the harmonica over and over in her hooves.

With unwavering certainty, she replied. "Yes."

Author's Note

Here, take it. The sequel I craved to make and at least one of you hoped for.

Fallout

Pinkie Pie was brought into the throne room under guard, escorted straight from her cell in the dungeon. Princess Celestia, her royal jailor, sat imposingly on her seat of power. Little effort was made on her part to mask her emotions, which were at the same time frigid and fiery.

Twilight stood equidistant between the two, slightly on the raised dais but not on the same level as Celestia. Pinkie held her head high, unflinching.

"Pinkamena Diane Pie, you stand accused of spreading malicious lies and disturbing the sanctity of the Equestrian Scholarly Society." Princess Celestia began, her voice carrying strongly around the room.

"If you are ready to end your stay in the dungeon, I present to you the opportunity to formally apologize for your misdeeds and recant your findings. Should you do so, you will be let off with a stern warning. Your official record will not be marred. What say you?"

All eyes turned to the pinkest creature in the room and she took two meaningful steps forward and bowed.

"I apologize for the entirely incorrect findings presented previously."

Twilight's shoulders sagged slightly in relief, she was certain coming in that her friend was going to try to fight this.

"The results were incorrect in the worst possible way, and I ask for your most graceful forgiveness."

The room seemed to breathe for the first time since Pinkie was brought in, guards relaxed their posture and the ethereal waves of Celestia's mane slowed.

Twilight's pupils shrank to pin-pricks as Pinkie stood up suddenly, defiantly. From within the bouncy mane came a clipboard with math scrawled across the paper.

"I found the mistake, actually. I corrected the calculations and can now confidently state the correct results."

The princess's eyes narrowed.

Twilight and Pinkie paced nervously in the hallway outside of the presentation space. In a few minutes, they would enter and present their findings. And finally, Pinkie would reveal the mysterious subject of their research.

Sure, Twilight had presented scholarly papers previously, but the pre-presentation nerves never seemed to get any easier. Pinkie, usually unflappable, was showing signs of strain as well. The growing pile of bubblegum wrappers in the corner were a testament to her stress.

Minutes later, the door opened and they were ushered inside. Twilight took a few deep calming breaths and entered as confidently as she could.

Pinkie blew a massive bubble with her wad of gum, tied the end with a string like a balloon, and handed it to the usher to watch for her.

The room was divided into two parts. One part had a large chalkboard and a podium to hold notes. The other contained a few tables, currently occupied by several smart looking ponies. They were the review board for the Equestrian Scholarly Society.

Twilight gave their introduction as Pinkie filled the chalkboard with notable equations and their results. Everything was going smoothly until Pinkie wrote the title for their research.

The temperature in the room seemed to drop, the scholars of the review board looked on aghast and traded worried glances with each other.

"By tracking and cross-dating past changes in the location of the magnetic field, we have reconstructed a series of magnetic polar positions extending back more than 2,000 years. This series of dated positions is known as the 'archaeomagnetic reference curve.'"

Twilight resisted the urge to turn around and see what the fuss was about, trying to maintain a professional image. But when two members of the board fled the room in a panic, she faltered and could not resist looking back at the chalkboard.

The title should have read, "Archaeomagnetic Dating of Select Relics and Materials."

Instead, it said something else entirely. Twilight's face went slack and her jaw dropped. Her wings itched to spring open and fly her away from the scene, her fight-or-flight instincts kicking in on overdrive.

"On the use of Archaeomagnetism to Determine the Age of Princess Celestia."

"As you can see here, she's even OLDER than we originally thought!"

Twilight crouched low, wings spreading preemptively to flee, as her gaze flicked between Pinkie and the Princess.

Celestia's irises seemed to glow and her mane rippled, flames erupting and fading in several places. She reared up on her hind legs, as if to smite the pink pony for her transgressions. But when her front hooves came down with a crack, it was in the opposite direction.

"Luuuunaaaaaa!" she cried in anguish and despair, dashing out of the throne room with otherworldly quickness. Several guards gave chase, intent on supporting their princess at her side in this trying time.

"Pinkie!" Twilight shouted, running up to her. "Why! Why did you do that! Why double down? Do you have any idea how much ice-cream she's going to need now? The castle hasn't yet restocked from your first trial!"

She paced in an anxious circle around her friend, who had yet to move since the princess fled.

"And once she comes out of it, do you have any idea how much danger you'll be in? Or everyone else? If she decides that this heresy could have spread in Ponyville before this, she's likely to banish the whole town to the moon!"

Finally, Pinkie met her eye and spoke. "No, she won't."

Twilight looked at her, incredulously.

"You have to trust me, Twi. I've got this, it's all going according to plan. You'll see."

Pinkie was glad this meeting was not taking place in the dungeons. It just didn't have the right ambience for something like this, the vibes were all off. While she hadn't been returned to her cell since the Princess ran off, she was kept under constant guard.

Now, she was seated in a dark room somewhere deep in the castle. A lone lantern illuminated the space and its other occupants.

Sitting orthogonally around a table were Twilight, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and Pinkie herself.

Pinkie and Celestia held a silent stalemate with their stares across the table. Luna was the image of a perfect poker face, while Twilight was openly fretting and rubbing her hooves along the grooves of the wooden table.

It was Luna that broke the silence. "Shall we get down to business, then?"

"What are your demands?" Celestia spat, her foul mood on full display.

"Let's not think of them as 'demands'." Pinkie lilted. "Think of this as negotiating. We're negotiating, you and I. We both have something the other wants."

"What do you want? Money? A royal title? Access to the royal coffers for your party planning hobby? Spit it out."

Pinkie sucked in a breath at the last option, but held strong with her resolve.

"What I want?"

Everyone leaned in to listen.

"What I want..."

She made a show of thinking, as if it was a difficult decision. As if she hadn't known exactly what she wanted from the start of all of this.

"What I want, Princess Celestia, is to throw you a birthday party."

You could hear a pin drop on carpet for a solid five seconds.

"What?" sounded from three different sources at approximately the same time.

"You heard me."

Again, Luna was the first to speak up.

"Would you please care to explain?"

Pinkie grinned and spread her hooves across the table, as if they were about to conspire about killing supermare.

"I want to throw Princess Celestia a birthday party. In all known history, dating back as far as we can, there is no mention or trace of there ever being a birthday party held for her. And before you say 'Summer Sun Celebration', that's different. That's about the solstice or the defeat of Nightmare Moon or something. No hard feelings by the way, Princess Luna, we love you."

Luna blushed and her feathers ruffled.

"Digging further, I found no mention of her having a birthday in general. Nopony knows how old she is, what day she was born, if she even was born. Given what we've seen of Twilight and Princess Cadence, I can assume she was in fact born as a pony before she became all alicorn-y.

That leads me to two conclusions. Either the information was lost to time, the only ponies who might know being Princesses Celestia and Luna. And the odds of either of them divulging that information were slim to none and none's outta town. OR the information was suppressed intentionally over a millennium, slowly erased from history by a guiding hand."

Celestia looked shocked and appalled, the color somehow draining further from her pure white coat. Luna, on the other hoof, seemed to be on the verge of laughing. She had tried to keep a stony façade for her sister, but the situation was too absurd at this point.

"Oh Tia, you thought yourself so clever. But even the town baker can oust your scheming," she teased. Turning to address the room, she elaborated.

"In all the years I have known her, she has never been able to age gracefully. Despite being immortal, she fears the ever-turning wheels of time as much as anypony. Why, even nearly fifteen-hundred years ago, I used to tease her about finding gray hairs in her mane. There never was, but she didn't know that. Once I even considered dying it while she slept as a prank."

Celestia's turned from stark white to a rather warm pink, her cheeks coloring like a sunset.

"She gets so terribly dramatic about it. Why do you think the Blueblood line has to refer to her as 'Aunt' when they've always seen her as more of a grandmother?" Luna grinned like a fox. "I can tell you how old she is, little one. Even better, I know when her birthday is."

"LUNA DON'T YOU DARE," Celestia exclaimed, nearly launching herself around the table to silence her heathenish sister.

"I jest I jest. Still yourself, sister. It's your secret to reveal, unless you give me permission to do so for you."

Celestia flumped her upper half onto the table in a very unprincesslike display and groaned. Her majestic mane drooped limply atop her head, hiding her face. Twilight took the moment to interject.

"Pinkie, was that what this was all about? You really just want to throw her a party?"

"Yepperooni!" Pinkie nodded enthusiastically. "She hasn't had a proper party in thousands of years, and that's just sad. Like I could understand not doing it while Princess Luna was all banished and stuff.

But now she's got her back! And she's got Princess Cadence and Shining Armor and Flurry Heart and you! You can all celebrate it with her now!"

Pinkie turned to the puddle of sad princess leaking off the table. She reached out and tenderly took a massive hoof in her own.

"You're not alone anymore, Princess. And I'm sure your family would love to celebrate this with you, if you let them."

A single magenta-colored eye peaked from behind the veil of her mane.

"You... you wouldn't make a big national holiday of it, would you?"

"Pfft of course not! I am a consummate professional party planner. It'd be a rookie mistake to assume every party needs to be a big event in the center of town with fireworks and streamers. Great parties are catered to each individual pony, silly.

For you, I was thinking a day without princess-y duties, spent with the ponies you care about. Sure there would be some balloons and party games, but it'd be completely private. Noone else has to know."

Celestia regarded her critically, disbelievingly.

"And there'd be lots of cake!"

Her eye brightened and some of the magical effect returned to her mane. She cast a glance at Luna and cautiously nodded her consent.

Luna grinned widely. "Well done, Miss Pie. Sometime we shall have to play games of strategy together. I fear you would be a worthy opponent. You'll be delighted to know that her birthday already has no princess duties scheduled for the day.

Twilight cocked her head to the side in thought as Pinkie listened intently.

"For you see, she declared a special day to be held on her birthday that would excuse her from responsibilities for the day, but without giving away the reasoning underneath."

"What day? Nightmare Night? Hearts and Hooves Day?" Twilight nearly stood up out of her chair, balancing most of her weight on her front hooves on the table.

Luna all but squealed. "Nay! Tis Tax Filing Day!"

Twilight's front legs slipped from beneath her in stupefaction.

Pinkie cheered in victory. Mission accomplished.

Reward

Celestia had many titles. Princess of Equestria, Sol Invicta, Bastion of Light, Liberator of this and that. Today, however, it was Birthday Mare.

She slipped quietly into the hallway outside of the royal guest suite, which had been redecorated for the occasion. Talking and merriment could still be heard drifting from under the door, it would be a few minutes until someone noticed her absence. That's all the time she needed.

She walked down the carpeted hall, slowly but purposefully, toward the end where a lone lantern illuminated the Kitchen of Two Sisters. The castle staff cooked for them most days, but they had this smaller kitchen for the occasion that either sister wanted to cook for themselves.

Alone in the kitchen sat a pink pony, nose buried in a book but ears perked. She had respectfully ducked out after the party started, but happened to show up periodically when something was needed.

Celestia cleared her throat, rousing Pinkie from her reading. Her cheeks dusted a deeper pink color as she set the book down. It was about carbon dating.

At Celestia's inquisitive glance, she giggled and rubbed the back of her neck.

"Don't tell Twilight or my sister, but I've kept reading stuff even after. It's fascinating stuff."

"I'm sure. Not going to use it for anything nefarious this time, are you?"

Pinkie shook her head.

"I just wanted to thank you, away from everypony else. Despite your methods being questionable, though cunning, I do really appreciate what you've done for me."

"I told you that I'm a professional! I even managed to sync up with Princess Cadence and Shining Armor's schedule, making sure they set aside the time for a visit." Pinkie beamed.

"Yes but it's more than that." She moved around the island counter toward Pinkie. "You took something harmless, something inconsequential, and used it as an opportunity to make another pony smile. Moreso, you've done it twice."

"Oh! You mean my, uh, dictionary word thing. Yeah it's fun for me, but I didn't go into it with the intention of making it some big deep activity."

She brushed up behind Pinkie.

"Maybe the first time, with the pancakes. But this was something else entirely. Weeks of research, countless hours of time each day. All devoted to what is essentially a bit."

"You all know me!" Pinkie stuttered a little. "I'm quite a silly pony. And like Granny Pie used to say, if you can do something, you can do it right. And like Rarity has said, sometimes moderation is best practiced in moderation. Why shouldn't I have gone overboard with it?"

"Why indeed." She spun the chair around that Pinkie was sitting in so they faced each other. "While you did attempt to embarrass me in front of a hoof-full of the castle staff, it pains me to admit that they've witnesses worse. Yet that does not change the effects of your actions. Only you would take an innocuous task and make the conscious decision to go overboard for the sake of somepony else like this. Because that's who you are. You make ponies smile, if in a convoluded and roundabout way at times."

Celestia sat on the floor, which put them at a more even level with each other, if only a little.

"Luna was like that in our youth. As much as she was a jokester, she was deeply caring for others. She would wander the streets spreading joy. And she used to have a habit of crashing weddings, but as the officiant if you can believe it. It's why she was so hurt when ponies started shunning her and her night. She left so... underappreciated."

Pinkie's eyes were wide as Celestia bent her head down until she was at eye level with the smaller pony.

"You're so very much alike, you know. Deceptively intelligent, endlessly kind, devious in the best way.

So, I want to tell you this, one on one, that I appreciate you and all that you do. For your friends, for the ponies of Equestria, and for what you've done for me today."

Celestia pulled her to her chest, enveloping her in her legs and both large white wings. It was, quite likely, the most comfortable hug in all of Equestria.

"Thank you, Pinkie Pie."

Pinkie gingerly returned the embrace, then firmly. Her form, completely enveloped in warmth, shook and shivered. Once or twice, a muted sob emerged from within the cocoon.

The hug ended a short eternity later, but Celestia kept her wings up around them as Pinkie wiped at her eyes. Her ears flicked toward the doorway.

"Princess? Are you in here? I didn't see you leave the party."

As Twilight trotted into view, Celestia quickly grabbed a stack of napkins in her magic, keeping Pinkie shielded with a wing.

"I am here, Twilight. I stepped out for a moment to retrieve some napkins. I'm afraid I gave your friend here quite a spook. You know how silent I can walk on these carpets if I'm not paying attention."

Twilight cast a furtive glance around the kitchen. "Oh, ok. Well come on back, Cadence wants to play pin the tail on the pony with Flurry, and Luna said you'd be happy to volunteer yourself since you have the... um... biggest..." She trailed off, Luna's reasoning now dawning on her.

Celestia waved off her concern and laughed lightly. "I'll be along in a moment. And please, call me Celestia. You're a princess too, remember."

Twilight blushed and nodded, backing out of the kitchen. The odds of her breaking that particular habit were very small.

A sniffle to Celestia's side drew her gaze back to Pinkie, who had mostly gotten her face cleaned up from her emotional moment. She mouthed a silent 'thank you' since Twilight was still relatively within earshot.

"Go get some rest, Pinkie. I think we can manage just fine for the rest of the party." Pinkie made to argue but Celestia cut her off. "I imagine being a party planner on the side is quite tiring." She gave her a mischievous wink. "One might say, it's arduous work!"

Pinkie wasn't sure why she put so much emphasis on the word, but agreed nonetheless.

As Celestia rejoined the party, napkins held aloft in her magic, she took a moment to survey her little family. Everyone she loved in one place for the day. Tax Filing Day might just become her favorite day out of the year, now.

And as Pinkie laid in bed, she flipped to her current page in the dictionary to give herself a head start on the next word. She nearly cried out at what she saw.

Arduous, adjective, involving or requiring strenuous effort.

Clever Princess.

Author's Note

Allo!

This is bug. Fate schemes for my downfall, yet I persist.

This fic brainwormed me from the moment I wrote, "I’m gonna try to use archaeomagnetism in a sentence.” It was intended to be a silly throwaway line showing that Pinkie wasn't finished with her antics, and the word itself was chosen because it a) came after arbitrary in the dictionary and b) sounds hopelessly complex for Pinkie to ever have a hope of using.

But here we are anyway!

Hope everyone who read this enjoyed it. And if you did, feel free to leave a comment. They are an author's chips and dip.