Letters Twilight Sparkle Hopefully Never Sends

by LZ0291

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1433

A short collection of letters from Twilight that, in spite of the title, appear to have been sent...

Twilight Sparkle sends out a few letters and lessons on friendship to Princess Celestia, but soon enough finds that experiments done as a result of those lessons don't quite go according to plan. One backfired session of truth or dare leads to letters Twilight wishes she hadn't sent.

Except she did, at least in this story. Whoops! Maybe we can hope this never happens for real...

An older MLP story I wrote about a year back that I figured was as good a first thing to upload as any.

Published 2012-10-09 04:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-09 04:20:02 UTC

The Titular Letters

1.

Dear Princess Celestia

Today I learned that sometimes, ponies trying to be friendly are sometimes a little too friendly. I was invited to a party but had Fluttershy not explained what it really was, well... I don't imagine I would have enjoyed myself. I barely knew any of the terms and some of the tools they were using sounded kind of intimidating... So I'll try to find something else to do tonight. Pinkie Pie is suggesting a sleepover, and that'll be like a party I guess!

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle

2.

Dear Princess Celestia

Today I learned a valuable lesson about friendship in that sometimes your friends can have some very different tastes in similar things. Luckily, Pinkie Pie understood why I reacted like I did to her favourite movies... especially her home movie with Rainbow Dash... but I don't think I can look at a cupcake the same way ever again.

Anyway, we're going to play truth or dare now. I'll try to go dare to avoid any big secrets. When we're done we're going out for a little while before we come back to finish the sleepover.

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle

3.

Dear Princess Celestia

Today I learned that... Shpike, write it exactly as I shay! I learned that Apple Chid.... Sidey... Drinky stuff is nice! And Appledash is nice too! And sho is Rarity and Rainbow Jack! Oh and it'sh not fun to throw up but it'sh like... that funny good thingy... mice... lice? Good... Good when your friendsh hold your mane sho it shtays clean... And it's good when they schare off schary schtallions who shay you had too mush to drink...

And I jusht learned that the booksh in thish library are all shortsh of cool colours! Blaarg! I... I dunno Sphike. I dunno how to sphell tha... blarg? Try blarg? That'sh a good dragon... Uh, can you finish the tesht cosh I wanna go up the thing with the pointy... flat... shtiars. Gonna shleppy...

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle

P.S Sorry Princess Celestia. She only had one. Turns out she can't handle it at all.

4.

Dear Princess Celestia

My head hurts.

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle

5.

Dear Princess Celestia

I know my last two letters somewhat alarmed you, but I am pleased to inform you that with Rarity's help I will try to improve my tolerance for.... hey, Shpike that'sh... Wooo....

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle

6.

Dear Princess Celestia

I am so so so so sorry your majesty! It was supposed to be alcohol free! I fear the effects are purely psychosomatic... Ooh, good work Spike... No, no, don't write that down. Oh, never mind this is SO stressful. Yes, all capitals for SO. It evokes my emotion. Wait, no, never mind, we don't need that much detail.

Oh my goodness she went out the door. I'll catch up, you send the letter and for Celestia's sake don't let the Princess know she... OH LUNA'S MOON, TWILIGHT, LEAVE THAT POOR STALLION ALONE!

Your Faithful Student's Friend.
Rarity

7.

Dear Princess Celestia

This may sound strange but... Do you know a good lawyer? Preferably with experience in breach of the peace, intoxication in public, assault and battery, resisting arrest, damage of public property, attempt to bribe a police officer, ownership of an unlicensed nuclear accelerator, and misuse of an apple?

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle

P.S It really is nothing to worry about! I'd tell you more but the police... er, have come to get books and they have a... six hundred long character limit. What, no, don't write the pause as an elipsis, those count to the character limit! They only let me have one bit of pap

8.

Dear Princess Celestia

Don't worry about that last letter! That was a... Prank. By... Fluttershy. She's got quite the sense of humour, huh? It almost seemed like I had tried to talk to a stallion while drunk but his wife saw it and complained and then the paperwork for me got mixed up with somepony else and I didn't remember what I really did so I thought that I had really done all that stuff even though I never and it was all just a misundersta... Prank?

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle

P.S On an unrelated note, who do I speak to about getting a licence for nuclear accelerators?

9.

Dear Princess Celestia

Though my previous experiment failed due to... inadequate foresight, I am confident that I will be able to report good news to you! I have successfully consumed a non-alcoholic cider and have suffered no imaginary effects of inebriation! Hopefully if I move slowly I can consume the real thing and build a tolerance!

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle

10.

Dear Princess Celestia

It's now after midnight and going very well! Going slowly and drinking a glass of water between each sip has helped stave off the effects, but I am now going to reduce the amount of water.

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle

11.

Dear Princess Celestia

I really need to pee. I have to tell someone but Pinkie can't hear me for the music.

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle

12.

Dear Princess Celestia

Oh my gosh this is the wrong bathroom! I'm hiding in one of the stalls and I don't think anypony saw me but there are colts and stallions and stuff out there and if I move I'll be seen and everypony will think I'm weird! It's not my fault! Really! The signs are pictures! How do you tell the little fillies room from the little colts room like that? It's dark! And things are all wobbly! It should have a label or something!

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle

13.

Dear Princess Celestia

Thank you so much for windows! I managed to climb out one! But... The bouncer might not let me in. Wait. I read about this. He's a stallion, I'm a cute young mare... How can this fail?

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle

14.

Dear Princess Celestia

Oh.

That's a mare too.

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle

15.

Dear Princess Celestia

RAINBOW DASH IS AWESOME AND IF IT WASN'T AGAINST ALL THE LAWS OF THE CREATION YOU MADE I WOULD HAVE HER FOALS!

Oh, sorry, too loud. Uh, well, Rainbow managed to get me back inside the club. Yay.

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle

16.

Dear Princess Celestia

If a unicorn and a pegasus did it would they have an... I'm asking her, Pinkie, stop giggling so much, it's distracting! Would they have an alicorn foal? Was that how you and Luna were born?

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle

17.

Dear Princess Celestia

Never mind! Luna was here! I never had her down as a nightclubby goer pony thing! She answered my question! Turns out it was no! Sorry if that was weird! Luna looked a little weirded out! Tell her she's still cool when you see her by the way! I told her she was cool and that I loved the moon and stuff and she seemed happy but she's kind of busy with all her friends now and I don't wanna be a fifth leg...

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle

18.

Dear Princess Celestia

I don't have wings but I think I'm flying, is this normal?

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle

19.

Dear Princess Celestia

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna ask Dash to fly with me. I can fly now. I can totally fly!

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle

20.

Dear Princess Celestia

I have learned a very valuable lesson about friendship. It gets pretty awkward the next morning after a few apple ciders... And I know they're trying to save my blushes but no pony telling me what I really did just makes my mind run in circles.

I also have no idea how the hay I sent so many letters to you. Spike was back here!

Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle

P.S I learned two other things. One, Rainbow Dash is heterosexual apparently. Two, I found a guidebook about that party I was first invited to and it turns out it's just a board game! Spike is confused though, he wonders what self-respecting Dragon would live in a Dungeon.

P.P.S I was surprised to learn Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash had released their movie. If you're interested, it's called "How Not To Make Cupcakes" and you can find it on the Whinnyternet.

I should warn you, even though it's all scripted and deliberate, it's hilarious! I still laugh out loud when I see a cupcake.