Kennedy goes to Equestria after being WACKED by the CIA

by Bushranger

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie
Length: 2883

Or… How Starlight Glimmer got some very bad ideas on how to create her utopia.

Kennedy goes to Equestria after being WACKED by the CIA.
Or…
How Starlight Glimmer got some very bad ideas on how to create her utopia.

This is a fun little story I thought up one day at work after looking at a silly little picture.
Then I added Starlight Glimmer, because it was fun. Then I added Pinkie Pie, because it was fun.
In the end I made what I found to be a silly little comedy story. So that's what this story is, a silly little comedy story.

Really the thanks go to 'Arareroll' for making the image that inspired me in the first place, and for letting me use it as a cover art.

Published 2024-05-18 21:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-05-18 21:10:00 UTC

Nothing bad ever happens to the Kennedy's

Three multi coloured balloons shone from the map. It seemed that once again a Party Pooper Problem was occurring in the capital of party poopers. Coincidentally the capital of Equestria too, Canterlot. Also once again, the world Premier Pink Party Pony was desperately needed to end this fiasco. If only it wasn’t the third Party Pooper Problem this week, maybe Starlight Glimmer would care more.

“TWILIGHT!” she shouted. “Pinkie is needed in Canterlot again!”

From several rooms away, most likely the library, came the muffled reply. “Again?”

“Can you get Spike to find and tell her!”

“No need.” Groaned Spike walking in behind her, both claws pressed up against his ears. Wiping the sleep out from his eyes. “She’s already bouncing here.”

“He’s asleep!” yelled Twilight from the library.

“Was asleep...” he quietly muffled.

A loud and sharp inhale surpassing any mortal being screeched next to Starlight. “A friendship problem? In Canterlot? Just for me?” Pinkie squealed. With lightning fast speech, she spoke volumes only she truly understood “Oh! I wonder what it could be? Maybe Fancy Pants is needing a new fundraiser. Or a poor foal’s party has no streamers. Or maybe...” Starlight tuned her out by this point.

After a solid minute staring into a wall and letting every word entering her ears to leave the other. Twilight touches her on her shoulder. “Oh good. I though something was happening with you for a second.” The Friendship Princess said.

“Twilight.” Starlight spoke softly. “Do you think it’s not a bit silly that the Cutiemark map sends Pinkie on ‘friendship missions’ seemingly every other day?”

“No?” She replied.

“Well. There are probably hundreds of honesty or kindness problems around Equestria every day. But Applejack and Fluttershy won’t get friendship missions any more than once a month! Pinkie Pie gets literally every single disappointing party in Equestria as if its a critical disaster that only she can solve.” Starlight explained.

Twilight smiled and gave a small laugh. “Starlight. Pinkie Pie lives for parties. If she knew there was a disappointing party anywhere in Equestria, and didn’t help. I don’t think she could go to sleep at night. Just because something might to seem important to you, doesn’t mean it isn’t important. As Friends, we have to understand and accept others. Even if we disagree on what matters or doesn’t. A single foals birthday party might not seem much to either of us. But it also might change the life of the birthday filly in question.”

“But this often? It’s the third time this week”.

“It’s not that much-”

“It’s Wednesday morning.”

Twilight ‘hmm’ed “How about you go on this friendship mission with her. Maybe you’ll be able to see things her way a bit better.”

“Wa-HOO!” Pinkie yelled. Jumping up and wrapping her foreleg around them. “A classic Starlight-Pinkie friendship adventure!”

Kennedy didn’t know much right then. But what he did know, is that the CIA is one son of a bitch…; and that his head hurt.

“You said you are presiding over a country?”

“President.” Kennedy spoke. “It’s the Head of State and Commander in Chief. A bit like yours, but it’s an elected position.”

The large white ‘pony’ was apparently a princess, and a ruler of the land he was in. She chuckled with a smile “I’m not really the ‘head’ of the state. I share it.” To which Kennedy raised an eyebrow. “It’s true. I share equal power with my sister..., and my adopted nephew..., and my former student.”

“Well, uh, that’s a bit different, but still sounds along the lines of a monarchy.”

“A quadrarchy, but yes.”

They sat together in silence for a moment. The Castle gardens were always nice, even in late November, when all of the leaves on the trees had dropped, but snow was still a week’s delivery away.

As Kennedy brought a bag of ice up to his head, Celestia spoke. “I must say, I’m surprised you are handling this so well. I’d have expected anypony to be surprised when meeting somepony from another world.”

“Princess, I can assure you that I am surprised. I’d just expected you to be a might shorter and grey.”

Now it was Celestia’s turn to raise an eyebrow.

“The past encounters I’ve had were, you see.”

She didn’t, but left the conversation there anyway. After another few minutes of silence, something caught the attention of Celestia. “Ah. Just on time too.” She stood up and offered the injured man a hoof up. As any respectable mare would. “I have just the ponies here to help you recover and adjust. “

The three of them sat in a sunny spot in a small wooded park, far away from any grassy knolls. Eating ice cream and hot apple crumble, brought straight up from Ponyville, baked that morning.

“-and everypony was so scared. But it was just a bunch of trees! So I sang a song to make the all that scary-ness go away and BAMN! It does! Everypony realises that your problems aren’t so bad when you’re happy, and your meanie’s aren’t so scary when you laugh at them.

“I like your funny words, magic mare.” Kennedy chuckled.

“OO-OO! It just hit me! I know how to make all your problems go away, Mister Fitzgerald.”

“Kennedy is fine. Though my friends call me John.”

“Well, John. Sing a song! It’s always helped me and my friends. I can think of more times we defeated a bad meanie with a song than otherwise. So a song will cheer you right up!”

“Well miss Pie, I’m not really all to well known for my singing.”

“Don’t worry about ‘Miss’ this or that, my friends call me Pinkie. And I’m sure you’ve got a wonderful singing voice. I’ve never met a stallion who can’t sing. Or mare for that matter.”

“Oh, well. By rights I only have one song I own that I know how to sing. I oversaw the writing for it, you see.”

“Please? Pretty Pinkie please?”

“Alright, but don’t say I didn’t warn ya." With a deep inhale, came a completely monotone voice, utterly lacking in tune or rhythm. “Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kenn-ed-y, for me!-”

“-That’s not a song” Starlight rudely interrupted, in the middle of the song, not even giving constructive criticism.

“Glimmy! Right as he was doing so well.”

“Really?” Came the deadpan reply in unison from the both of them.

“Eee, well. Still. You know that you shouldn’t insult a stallion’s song, Glimmer.”

“It’s alright now Pinkie, a man- er- mare has a right to her opinion and speech. I welcome criticism. If Miss Glimmer doesn’t like the jingle’s introduction, I’m sure she’ll enjoy better the chorus...”

As a silence came in, and no ‘rough approximation of what a song ought to be’ came. Starlight asked, “Are… Are you going to finish the song?”

“No.”

“Wha- Why?” Pinkie pouted.

“No.”

She looked at him straight into his eyes and begged. “Pwease...”

Kennedy closed his eyes and quietly muttered to himself, “Pray to be stronger men, pray to be stronger men.” He took in another breath, straightened himself up, and firmly said, “No.”

“Awww...’

Starlight Glimmer had… well… either stars in her eyes or a glimmer in her eyes. You can decide. But she had one of them (but not both of them), as she listened to Kennedy speak.

“They restrict your right to decide when, where, how, for who, and for what in return. In every regard. They seek to control every aspect of your life. Not because they view themselves as evil, though they are. But because they truly believe that they know better than everyone and anyone else, about anything and everything. It is, at its heart, the epitome of arrogance. Which is why a strong and moral society will always reject it. Which is why we must all work hard to keep a strong and moral society.”

“So I-they need to weaken the society first, to establish this utopi-uh-distpoia?” Starlight said, quickly writing everything down as fast as she could.

He nodded his head, continuing his monologue. “And they are effective at it too. First, they seek to divide-”

“-Seek to divide-.”

“-people between what they are, not who they are. They split people between races, between sexes, but most specifically between classes. The working class against the wealthy.-”

“-Against the wealthy.-”

“Then they put themselves and only themselves to be the solution to the problem. That only they, through their world revolution, can bring together all races, all sexes, and all kinds of people.”

“I’ve got to say Mister Kennedy, this is some every important, ground breaking ideas. Thank you so much, sir.”

“You’re very welcome miss Glimmer.” As she finished up writing her notes, a board smile across her face grew a bit more. “One last thing miss Glimmer. You must also keep a close watch upon those who wish for control over you in other ways. The ones you think are your friends, colleagues, and loyal patriots are the ones who’ll betray you when it matters most.”

Her eyes shone with excitement. “Really?”

“Yes, miss Glimmer. Intelligence Agencies keeping secrets and telling lies to the public will have the power to control you and your people. Even if they say it’s in the name of national security. Especially if they do”

Once again, she was back to writing at a lightning pace.

“Honesty at all levels of government is the solution to this. The truth doesn’t fear criticism or inspection, slander or lies. Which is why the free peoples of my world defend speech. While tyrants censor and hide the truth.

“Have no honesty. Censor and hide the truth.” With a wide grin she spoke, “Thank you for this mister Kennedy.”

“My mistake was not doing enough to stamp out these dishonest agencies. And for it, I paid the ultimate price. I was WACKED by my own agency. They’ll lie about it, I know it. But they did it.”

“I’m sorry, what did they do to you exactly?”

“I was assassinated, killed, murdered by my own. And now they’ll get everything they want.”

“Everything I want?” It was as if everything just clicked in her head. She knew what she needed to do.

“Now no one now stands in their way to secretly control my great nation.”

“No one will stand in my way?” Another smile slowly started to stretch across her face. “Say, mister Kennedy. It’s starting to get a bit late, we better be heading back to the castle. I’m sure Celestia has more to talk to you about.”

Out of the bush behind them sprung a pink blur. “AHH! oh, Pinkie Pie. I… uh. I thought you’d gone to get a ‘Welcome to Equestria’ cake.”

“I did. I brought it to the castle AGES ago. And then I was going to tell you all. But you two were talking and bonding. And that’s how friends are made, so I didn’t want to interrupt.”

Kennedy spoke up “Well that’s very polite of you Pinkie.”

“This is some real quality cake you got here Pinkie.” Kennedy spoke, in between bites of jam and creamy goodness.

“Thanks! I just knew you’d like the strawberry jam and cream!”

They were all together in the castle gardens, the gazebo back lit by the slowly setting sun. They would have arrived sooner, but one look at the chariot had Kennedy getting anxious. “A convertible? No way! No roof is bad enough, but no back either?” They decided to just walk back.

Another Princess, this one a VERY different colour scheme and style, going by the name of Luna, had finally woken up, and decided to join them. She didn’t talk much, and preferred to listen to the strange alien more. Pinkie Pie was in three different places at once. And Starlight was off doing ‘Twilight jobs’.

It was right about then Celestia finished her half of the cake. “I’m so happy you were able to enjoy today President Kennedy. Even if your stay proves to be long term. I hope my ponies have shown you all the kindness and warmth Equestria has to offer.”

Kennedy sighed. “It’s just… I had so much I still had left to do. So many hard and difficult things I could have surpassed. So many dreams I will never see become reality”

Luna, for the second time that afternoon, spoke up, to reassure him. “As the Mistress of Dreams, I can assure you that your dreams are never far from reality. In the magical land of Equestria, anypony, or anyman, can achieve their dreams.”

“I.. it’s just hard to achieve my dreams on my own.”

Celestia jumped in to back up her sister. “You have many friends who’ll help you too. Including us, if you should need it. Friendship will always prevail.”

“hmm. I just don’t think it’s possible where Equestria is technologically, to able to send a man to the moon.”

“….”

“….”

“….”

“What?” Kennedy spoke. “I know it’s possible. My detractors doubted me, but I knew it can happen. It will happen. I’m just sad I’ll never live to see it.” The buckets Celestia was sweating could fill up buckets.

Luna, with a forced smile. “I’m sure we can find you a different dream to focus on.”

Starlight had found the perfect spot. It was the top floor of a strange, empty and seemingly pointless decorative tower. It was an utterly forgettable structure of many in Canterlot. But after today, ponies will know and remember this building. Even if they will never know it was all her.

The plan was simple, dastardly, and more than a little evil. Starlight had to admit to herself, she was an addict, an evil addict, and she just relapsed. She couldn’t help it. It’s fun being evil. Don’t you look at her like that, as if I don’t know you have ‘kill-able children’ for every Bethesda game.

Her plan was simple and flawless. Assassinate the eternal goddess who controls the very day itself. In the chaos and disarray that followed, use her position close to twilight to slowly institute the system Kennedy talked so highly and fondly of. With Celestia gone, Cadance in the Empire, Luna and Twilight reeling at their loss, they’ll never see it coming.

There they all were, Celestia, Luna and Kennedy, talking to each other. Utter oblivious that history was being recorded at this moment. For hundreds of years, ponies would look to this moment as where everything changed. The preparations had already been made. Her trace thoroughly scrubbed, and a perfect alibi to boot. She just had to take the shot.

She charged up her magic, the spell perfectly constructed and ready to fire. A mixture of immolation and expansion, with a side of ward bypass, just in case. She overcharged the spell to make sure it’d kill her. After all, she didn’t know if there were biological strengths to an alicorn, and didn’t want to find out the hard way.

She was ready, and so was her spell. She lined up her shot, and prepared to release.

“HEY STARLIGHT!” boomed a pink blur next to her ear.

~~~PEW~~~ was about the underwhelming sound of the spell releasing.

“Uh, hey Pinkie.”

“Nothing bad ever happens to the Kennedy’s” He said, a micro fraction of a second before he disappeared.

Vanished.

Gone.

Nothing.

Exploded.

The entire gazebo was painted red, and the gardens around them painted too. With shadows of where they stood keeping clean the roses. Neither of them made a noise, as the event they just witnessed processed. It wasn’t until a drop of blood dripped off Luna’s muzzle that Celestia screamed.

Starlight was silent, the mistake she just made could not have been worse. She could never live that down, and she didn’t think Twilight’s going to forgive her for a third time in a row. Not even if she did help save Equestria that one time. But worst of all, her inspiration and new idol, her friend. Gone by her horn.

Pinkie was more than silent. She was minus noise. As vibrations that we call sound were absorbed and snuffed out in the black hole of noise that was currently Pinkie Pie. She did not blink. She did not breath. Her heart didn’t beat. She had left all forms of consciousness, as in-equine processes occurred behind her unblinking eyes.

“Am I finally in heaven, or am I in hell?” Spoke Kennedy. “I’ve already been to purgatory...” Kennedy was a Catholic after all.

“Hmm? Oh no, not yet I’m afraid.” Spoke a voice that Kennedy couldn’t quite place. He opened his eyes, to once again be met with one of these ponies. She was just as colourful and happy as the last ones. But ever so slightly different.

“But you might be here for a while. So why don’t we introduce ourselves”.

“My name is John F. Kennedy. President of the United States.”

She laughed a little. “Well, my name is Sunny Starscout-”

“-Oh God it is hell.”

Author's Note

Big ol' thanks to Crimsonwolf360 and 6-D for help with proof reading. Even if I did ignore half of what they said.