Violence Solves Everything

by Serene Wish

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Random, Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 1455

Anon accidentally discovers his amazing healing abilities and is determined to change the world.

Anon is enjoying a cup of coffee and a great book in Twilight's library, but the arrival of a pegasus turns his life upside down.

It might also be a response to that, or it might not. (Not intended, but things click.)

Now with voiceover, thanks to No One and Nobody.

Published 2024-05-20 12:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-05-20 12:40:01 UTC

If you're persistent enough

The summer noon sun illuminated Ponyville with bright rays. Ponies leisurely strolled through the streets, enjoying the warmth and tranquility. Some basked in the sun, lazily exchanging words, while others frolicked in the parks, immersed in joyful games.

The silence of the library was only broken by the rustling of pages and the occasional hum of a magical horn. Taking a break from the book about a human's adventures in Equestria, Anon glanced around. As expected, Twilight was completely engrossed in reading and for the third time attempted to take a sip from her empty mug.

Closing the book, Anon settled comfortably into the bean bag chair, feeling inner peace.

He had been in this world for less than half a year, but he had already completely fallen in love with it. Clean air, natural food, friendly ponies, and a plethora of alien literature — what could be better? After his arrival, ponies even began writing in a new genre about humans, which quickly became popular.

Currently, he was reading a book about a human, but its contents raised many questions. The main character was a nutty sociopath, and evil seemed poised to prevail. Such stories were not usually characteristic of ponies. Unfortunately, the author's name had been erased, and Twilight didn't even remember such a book being in the library. Another puzzle added to the stack of questions.

Someday he would figure out these questions, but not today. Today, he was going to enjoy the peace and tranquility that usually prevailed in Ponyville. Or rather, it was a succession of tranquility and absolute madness.

"Too quiet," Anon thought, trying to tune into the rhythm of the universe and get answers.

The universe remained silent.

But the answer came in the form of a gray pegasus, crashing through the window and ramming into the tower of books, ending up buried beneath them.

Twilight squealed from the crash, her "fight or flight" instinct kicking in. Being a pony, she chose to flee, but it wasn't so simple with her numb legs. Jumping up, she immediately toppled over. A book, ejected from her telekinesis, gracefully landed on her head, hiding her in its cover.

Anon took a sip of coffee and nodded in satisfaction — everything was as it should be.

Listening with one ear to Twilight's disgruntled muttering as she struggled to rise, Anon left the cozy chair and went to help the clumsy pegasus. Tossing aside a few books — more work for Spike — he unearthed the pegasus, who turned out to be Derpy, of course.

His eyebrow raised as the whole picture unfolded before him: the pegasus had managed to get tangled in the strap of her bag and was now lying on her back with her legs tied together. She breathed heavily, her face growing increasingly red. Her tail swished on the floor, expressing her owner's embarrassment.

"Impressive," Anon nodded, amazed by the pegasus's skill. "How long have you been into this?"

Derpy blinked in confusion, not understanding his reaction. Was this some human thing? She actually needed help!

Fortunately for Derpy, Twilight had already recovered from the grand entrance of the pegasus and approached the scene of the accident. Using telekinesis, she quickly untangled Derpy, stood her up, and put her bag back in place, maintaining a stoic expression.

"Um, sorry," Derpy smiled sheepishly, adjusting her bag. "I was trying to avoid colliding with another pegasus, but..."

Twilight sighed, interrupting the pegasus's explanation.

"It's okay," she said, patting Derpy on the head and diverting her with a question. "Do you have something for me?"

She simply couldn't stay mad at Derpy. Whatever mischief she caused, once Twilight looked into her eyes, all anger disappeared. Perhaps even an attempt to take over Equestria would be forgiven. Well, who wouldn't?

Anon chuckled, observing what was happening.

Ponyville was divided into two camps: some considered Derpy strange, while others, who were much fewer, considered her the cutest pony in Equestria. Both groups drew conclusions based solely on her eyes.

Perhaps those eyes gave her uniqueness, but that same uniqueness became a limitation — she surely had to fly much slower than other pegasi. How painful was it for a creature born to conquer the skies? Maybe Derpy just didn't know any other life.

She had eye problems, but the residents of Ponyville treated her with such indulgence, as if she also had problems with her head.

Anon wondered why her eyes hadn't been healed yet. It wasn't that there was something wrong with her — it was about living a full life. On Earth, it would only be repeating the mantra that she was no worse than others, but was there any point in Equestria? Wasn't magic all-powerful?

Scratching his chin, he vaguely remembered Twilight saying that congenital defects were much harder to correct. It was unlikely that Derpy, with her productivity, had spare bits to see a specialist.

At that moment, an unexpected answer came from the universe, and Anon stared thoughtfully at his hands. Twilight always believed that humans must have some kind of magic, and it manifested through their hands. Who was he to argue with the Element of Magic?

It seemed like it was time to try something.

"Derpy, do you want to fix your eyes?" Anon asked, causing both mares to turn to him in surprise.

"Do you know how?" Derpy tilted her head in confusion. Why would he bring up this question if he didn't? "Some method from your home world?"

"It's just a theory," Anon said, vaguely wiggling his fingers. "But no harm in trying, right?"

"I'm in," Derpy agreed easily.

"I have a bad feeling about..." Twilight began, casting worried glances at both of them.

"Shh," Anon interrupted her, placing a finger on her lips. "Just watch as I do my magic."

"But we don't even know if you..." Twilight protested, but she was shushed again.

"How are you going to do this?" Derpy interjected, looking expectantly at the human.

Anon approached her and squatted down, waving his index finger in front of her face.

"All you need to do is keep both eyes on this finger," Anon instructed. "No matter how hard it is, don't take your gaze off it."

Derpy nodded and focused her gaze on the finger.

The human began to slowly move his finger left and right, and Derpy stubbornly followed it with her eyes. One of her eyes kept trying to look elsewhere, but she held her gaze there where she was told. The strain made her eyes even start to tear up.

Anon brought his finger close to Derpy's nose, and keeping her gaze on it became a serious challenge for her, but she managed. Slowly, the finger began to move away from her, and she continued to track it.

Suddenly, Anon clenched his hand into a fist and punched her in the nose with all his might, knocking out the pegasus.

"What the buck, Anon?!" Twilight yelled, pushing him aside and rushing to Derpy.

She began to slap Derpy's cheeks — the only thing she could think of that was appropriate for the situation. Her gaze darted around the library when there was no reaction from Derpy.

What was she supposed to do?

Splash her with water? Call for help? Run to the hospital?

Her stream of panicked thoughts was interrupted by a groan from the now-conscious Derpy.

"Hey, are you okay?" Twilight asked, shaking the pegasus.

"Been worse," Derpy muttered, trying to blink away the fuzziness. There was something strange about her eyes.

"We should..." Twilight began but fell silent, looking at Derpy. "...What?"

The pegasus stared at her with both eyes, completely relaxed. Only now did Twilight notice that there was not even a trace of the punch on Derpy's face.

Twilight shuddered, feeling someone's gaze. Turning around, she saw Anon, radiating pure smugness.

"Well, what is it?" Anon asked, spreading his hands.

From the smirk playing on his lips, Twilight understood that he definitely wasn't inviting her for a hug.

"It's..." Twilight started, trying to gather her thoughts. "Well. I don't know how, but you did it."

Meanwhile, Derpy swayed from side to side, trying to adjust to the wonders of binocular vision.

"You do have a hospital, right?" Anon asked, then shook his head. "No, no. I need a cemetery. Is there one in Ponyville?"

"Yes, on the outskirts," Twilight answered, turning her gaze to Derpy. "But why do you need a cemetery?"

"To beat a dead horse," shrugged Anon.

"I see," nodded Twilight, mesmerized by Derpy's swaying. "Wait, WHAT?! Have you gone insane?"

"No, silly pony," Anon laughed, clenching his fists. "I'm going to cure death."

And he did.