One Planet, Slightly Used
Great Fixer-Upper with Lots of Potential
“Well, brother of mine, this is one scheme we're not bouncing back from.”
“Don’t be so negative! We’ve come back from worse!”
“Brother, Equestria hasn’t come back from worse, and we both know that’s saying something.”
“Let’s not speak too soon.”
“I’d say I’m speaking right on time. Or were you not looking when Canterlot got blown off the mountain?”
“Hardly the first time. Besides, I was distracted by Applejack charging at us with murder in her eyes.”
“That’s fair, that’s fair. Good turn of speed from a mare her age.”
“And a better one from stallions of ours. I told you that emergency teleporter was a good idea. A two percent chance of our atoms getting scrambled is basically guaranteed safety!”
“Remember what Mother told us, dear brother. Never believe your own hype.”
“Well, we’re in paradise now, so I’d say the one time was worth the risk.”
“There’s still the not-inconsiderable matter of the ongoing devastation of the known world.”
“Come now, Brother, we’re retired now. A few years earlier than we anticipated, but that’s what this whole island was for, our final reward with fully automated resort. Which should be thataway.”
“If nothing else, restocking that resort’s going to be a problem. To say nothing of any of the automatons breaking down.”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Come now, Brother, soak in the sun! Breathe in the perfume of the exotic flora. Enjoy the fruits of our long labor.”
“I’ll do that when I’ve said my piece.”
“Must you?”
“You’re not distracting me from the main issue. That arcane intelligence was our bright idea.”
“Caveat emptor, Brother. Magimind Industries is not responsible for—”
“This isn’t about legal boilerplate, it’s about whether I’m going to be able to sleep at night.”
“Guilt isn’t like you.”
“And blithe indifference on this scale is a bit much for you.”
“Careful where you stomp; any spider that colorful will have persuasive opinions on the matter.”
“Duly noted. Look, Brother, I’m not saying we start a charity—”
“We’ve started several.”
“I’m not saying we start a charity that gives to anycreature other than us, but I am saying that when we hock untested thinking machines that go off the rails and start trying to cleanse the world of organic life, we should acknowledge our part in the mess.”
“Another of Mother’s little aphorisms?”
“The most important one! You don’t shear a sheep by cutting its throat!”
“… You know, that does sound familiar. Maybe my little scheme to avoid another Gladmane situation was a bit drastic in hindsight. Through this tunnel, was it?”
“No, the one after, that’s the fake entrance. Who or what is a Gladmane?”
“Owned the Glitz before we took over, had us at each other’s throats. Back when we still had a little red in our manes, we agreed to split our memories fifty-fifty so neither of us could operate without the other.”
“That does seem like a reasonable approach. Even if it led to certain disagreements like this one.”
“Yes, well, that mare did say formative experiences would be a tricky matter.”
“Which mare?”
“The psychic surgeon. Green coat, greener mane.”
“Cutie mark of a drooping flower?”
“Might have been. Can’t recall her face or name for the life of me.”
“Or the lives of the rest of the world.”
“I thought you’d said your piece about that.”
“When ‘that’ is the very likely end of the world? I have a fair few pieces left to say.”
“Well, we’re here, so you can at least say them with a piña colada in hoof.”
“Moral outrage is thirsty work. As was the walk.”
“Couldn’t have the arrival site too close.”
“Fair enough, fair enough… Say, Brother?”
“Yes, Brother?”
“In this memory scheme of yours, which one of us should remember our names?”
“Which ones?”
“Our actual names.”
“You mean the ones on our birth certificates?”
“The same.”
“… She did say some things might get lost in the shuffle. Especially if we didn’t use them too much.”
“Ah.”
“Indeed. Though at least I recall where we put the tiki bar.”
“Some small consolation. Though we can’t just ‘Brother’ each other for the rest of our lives.”
“Well, we have plenty of other options to choose from. How about the Flimflams? Plenty of good memories with those charming ne’er-do-wells.”
“Ah, Flim and Flam, those bold rapscallions… Which one was I?”
“Hmm. Which one of us had the mustache at the time?”
“You know, that idea of yours is seeming worse and worse all the time.”
“You did agree to it.”
“We’ve both made a lot of mistakes over the years.”
“I’ll drink to that.”
“You’ll drink to anything.”
“Especially when it’s remembering our more humbling moments. Like any time we crossed paths with the Apple family.”
“I was thinking more our getting into arms dealing.”
“We never!”
“I’ll remind you it was another fine Magimind product that blew the capital off the map.”
“They were harmless novelties! Everycreature from Princess Twilight to the stallion on the street agreed they’d never amount to anything more than shoddy voice replication and the kind of artwork suitable for a dentist’s waiting room.”
“And yet we still happily sold them to the captain of the Guard.”
“We were selling them to anycreature who’d hold still long enough. And that’s a very loose use of ‘we.’ The two of us were hardly going door to door, and the sales team’s grown far larger than just whichever patsy fell off the nearest turnip truck.”
“And yet Captain Lockherd still bought the most sophisticated model we had in stock. From us. Personally. We shook hooves on the matter.”
“Look, Flim—”
“Could’ve sworn I was Flam.”
“Oh, we changed it around every now and again to keep it fresh anyway. Look, Brother, what’s done is done and no amount of hoof pointing after the fact will put Canterlot back together again. We have a gorgeous ocean view about twenty steps thataway and every luxury known to pony. If you want to sit there and give yourself an ulcer, that’s your business, but at least keep it to yourself. It’s just you and me out here and I have no interest in constantly hearing about how miserable you feel.”
“Don’t you feel anything?”
“Of course I do! Even with Applejack charging at us, I saw that disaster as plainly as you did. I have no doubt that I’ll be seeing it in my nightmares for many moons to come. But that’s no reason to dwell on it in our waking hours when we’re so many degrees removed from it. You might as well expect an Equestrian pig farmer to feel bad about a Griffonstone butcher shop.”
“We still—”
“We weren’t the ones who decided plug one of those cogwork nightmares into a defense grid that’s been building up since before Princess Twilight took the throne. As I said, caveat emptor. And any emptor who decides to connect a Tantalite-class arcane intelligence—”
“It was the Opaline-class.”
“Opaline!? That neurotic mess? I’m mixing myself another colada.”
“Make one for your poor old brother while you’re up?”
“You’re three minutes younger than me."
"Oh, sure, that you had us both remember."
"The Opaline. For Harmony's sake, I thought we agreed we’d never put that misshapen heap of diodes on the market. I thought we’d dismantled it!”
“That was the plan, but we were understocked on the Tantalites. And it was the biggest deal of our lives.”
“So you signed off on the replacement?”
“No paper trail, but it was my decision in the end. You were on that trip to North Hayverbrook. And I really did think the worst it could do would just break down harmlessly.”
“I’m beginning to see why you’re kicking yourself. Here, you need this more than I do.”
“Much obliged. But what happened to not dwelling on it?”
“I have no intention of doing so long-term, but I can appreciate new information coming to light. That said, my point still stands. Arguably more so, because that’s one Tartarus of a caveat.”
“And an emptor to match.”
“That’s not how Pony Latin works and you know it. Still a valid point, though. Letting the Opaline prototype anywhere near military hardware is as bad as letting cider sit out in the sun for a month before taking a sip. And as far as I’m concerned, it leaves the two of us just as blameless. And that is all I want to hear on the matter.”
“Well, I do have another matter to raise.”
“Do tell, Brother! I’ll happily discuss any other topic you care to name.”
“Well, you know how we carved out this little chunk of paradise as discreetly as we could?”
“Of course, I was there every step of the way and every bribe we ever gave a builder! Why, we’ve been saving for this place as far back as I can remember!”
“For whatever that’s worth. Still, do you remember how we decided to invest in the AI market so we wouldn’t have to worry about staff members spilling the beans?”
“A stroke of genius on your part, Brother. While I fear your earlier dilemma kept us from turning on the main generators, the heat’s quite nice on my old joints.”
“And mine, yes. But after what put us here, well…”
“Well what?”
“How confident do you feel about actually turning on the main power?”
“What, you don't think the automatons are going to rebel, do you?”
“It’s the already rebelling one that worries me, Brother. The Opaline won’t notice a random tropical island. One with a building on it might make it suspicious. But if it sees the lights are on, much less senses another operational AI in the middle of nowhere…”
“Surely you don’t think it’d uproot itself and start looking for trouble outside of Equestria. And remember, you’re presupposing Princess Twilight won’t take care of it like she always does.”
“Princess Twilight has her hooves full with the rubble of her palace. Besides, remember those drones we dismissed as even more of a passing fancy than AI?”
“Brother, you have to consider the alternative. Two gray old unicorns trying to operate this massive place all by their lonesome? It’d defeat the whole purpose of laying back and letting somecreature else do all the work!”
“Would you say it’s a fate worse than death?”
“Bah. You’ve gotten paranoid in your old age.”
“And you’ve gotten reckless.”
“Hmph. We can discuss the AIs more later, but I’m turning on the power now. That emergency cell’s barely good for more than the bar’s refrigerator, and if you expect me to toil in all this heat and humidity, I demand ceiling fans at minimum.”
“I suppose we can compromise on that much. After all, we…”
“Something wro—”
“Shh!”
“What is it?”
“Shh!”
“Fine, fine… What is that?”
“I think it’s rotor blades.”
“And that was definitely something heavy landing on the patio.”
“The emergency teleporter?”
“Hasn’t recharged, and it just sends us to this island. This is where we’re supposed to run away to.”
“Ah.”
“ORGANICS DETECTED. DO NOT RESIST.”
“I might as well have let you turn on everything the moment we got in. At least we’d die comfortable.”
"I can't believe you made us spend our last moments debating morality."
"Culpability, Brother. Just one more day in the courtroom. And now I can go without regrets."
"Really? I'm already regretting whatever the Opaline-class will do to us."
"Aside from that. See you on the other side, Brother."
"I blame you for everything that's about to happen."
"So do I."
Author's Note
Seller’s remorse usually refers to selling your house rather than a doomsday device, but it probably still qualifies.
One Planet, Slightly Used
The Perfect Choice for Generations to Come
"Okay, Pippsqueaks! After some unavoidable delays at the end of the last tourist season, my besties and I are heading to Ponytropico! And you'll be with me every step of the way!"
"For as long as your wi-fi holds out."
"Hmph. I'll have you know, Zephyrina, that I specifically made sure that there would be plenty of those new cloud relays in place along the ferry route. My fans won't miss a moment of our trip!"
"Greaaaat. Because the last thing we might want on vacation is a little privacy."
"Oh, you're just grumpy because Hitch couldn't make it this year."
"I can neither confirm nor deny that, and I wish Sparky a speedy recovery."
"Uh huh. Oh, here come the others! Let's give Zipp a little space and check on them. Hi, fillies!"
"Hi, Pipp! Hi, Pipp's parasocial relationships!"
"Not while the stream's live, Izzy."
"Hi, everypony!"
"Um..."
"Don't be shy, Misty, the camera won't bite."
"Sorry. Hi, I guess?"
"Isn't she just precious, folks?"
"Seriously, are you going to stream the whole ferry ride?"
"Firstly, you don't get to complain about being on the stream if you approach me. Secondly... Hmm. Good point."
"Thank hoofness."
"I may not have brought enough external battery packs for the whole ride. Sunny, how far is it to Ponytropico again?"
"The ferry takes most of a day."
"Cutting it close. Don't worry, Pippsqueaks, if I absolutely have to, I'll only cut out the boring parts."
"Actually, I've been doing some research on Ponytropico, and it's genuinely fascinating. Did you know that nopony actually knows who built the resort there?"
"Ooh, spooky. Tell me more."
"Yeah, this is starting to sound like an intriguing mystery."
"Well, apparently it was discovered shortly after we brought magic back, when a ship got blown way off course in the South Celestia Sea and docked on Ponytropico Island. And the place was almost completely pristine!"
"Huh. I'm going to have to see if I can interview whoever was on that ship."
"Ziiiiipp."
"Izzy?"
"Are you actually going to interview them, or are you going to shout questions at them until they cry?"
"It's okay, Izzy."
"No, she's right. Sorry again, Misty. Though I do plan on less... aggressive interrogation methods next time. It's not like some random accidental explorer is hiding secrets that could spell doom for us all. No offense."
"None taken?"
"Well, good. And Sunny didn't even mention the best part! I heard the resort was being maintained by a bunch of robot ponies! They had waited to see ponies again for hundreds of years! But the ship ponies were all terrified of them and there was a big misunderstanding and they say the oil stains still haven't come out of the carpet on the third floor."
"That's insane. Where did you even hear that, Izzy?"
"Oh! I heard it from Onyx, who heard it from Dapple, who heard it from Peach Fizz, who heard it from—"
"Yeah, I'm going to doubt anything that's been through the rumor mill that many times. Interview's still on."
"I mean..."
"Seriously, Sunny?"
"I'm not saying it's likely, but you have to admit, we have seen stranger."
"Besides, imagine the robo-ponies out for revenge after being betrayed by the first ponies they saw in who knows how long! Imagine the found footage horror masterpiece we could get out of that! Pippsqueaks, you're my witnesses, easy million views."
"So... Not that I believe the part about robo-ponies—"
"Et tu, Misty?"
"But is anypony else concerned about just going to this random place on a remote tropical island that was... always there, apparently? That's kind of creepy, right?"
"Honestly, there's a lot of history that ponies just try to ignore on a day-to-day basis. Dad barely had to set hoof outside of Maretime Bay to collect all of his Old Equestrian artifacts."
"Yeah. I should give you all a proper tour of the Zephyr Heights undercity some time. Though you can't stream it, Pipp. Even that may be saying too much while you're live. Seriously, ponies, don't go in there without an experienced guide like me."
"Same thing goes for all the creepy places in the deep Bridlewood. The witch's hut, the old castle, the hydra skulls... There's jinxy, and then there's jinxy."
"But Ponytropico's okay?"
"Oh yeah."
"Yup!"
"Totes."
"Definitely. Besides, whoever made it must have wanted it to be used. What's the point of a place that big if nopony goes there?"
"Well... I guess if you all say it's okay. You know, Opaline went to a resort once."
"Really?"
"Kind of hard to imagine her relaxing. At all, honestly, but especially on the beach. Fire alicorns and oceans don't seem like they'd mix."
"She said she hated it. The staff wouldn't listen to her and the other guests were gross, but it was still the closest thing she ever had to a vacation. Then she had to tell me what a vacation was, and how I didn't deserve one."
"Aww... Well, you're getting one now!"
"And we'll all be there to enjoy it with you!"
"Preferably without thousands of ponies watching us the whole time."
"It won't be the whole time."
"Pipp."
"Oh, honestly. Sometimes I think you're the most annoying sibling a pony's had in all of history."
"Strong competition there, Sis."
Author's Note
I didn't mean for this to turn into another "origin of Opaline" story, but that's how it developed. Funny how that works.
For reference, Ponytropico is from this Tell Your Tale short.
