Once per Day

Sugarplum quietly grunted and rubbed her eye in an attempt to drive off the exhaustion of another sleepless night. Across the kitchen table, missing the suit she'd remembered him wearing when they first met a year prior, an equally weary-looking Sash sat reading the year-old bill of sale she'd handed him moments prior.

"Five hundred bits," the sheep all but gasped, shaking his head and looking at Sugarplum in disbelief. "That's- You can't be serious?" Sugar shrugged weakly as she retrieved the bill with her magic.

"I didn't know what else to do. He said if I didn't sell the farm to him, he'd," she winced and her ears shot back. "Hurt Turnip." A heavy silence fell over the kitchen until Sugar sighed and looked through the window behind Sash.

"My first month's rent pretty much ate all the money he paid me anyway," she murmured as Sash glanced back through the window as well. Where once had been a flourishing, if modest, orchard was now a wide stretch of bare earth and mud. "He told me I had to rip down all the trees and start making bricks and junk. So that's what I've been doing ever since." She rested her head on the table as Sash furrowed his brow.

"Does anywooly else know about this?" He asked, turning back and fixing her with a frown that only worsened when she shook her head.

"I haven't been to town in months. He has carts roll around to sell food and stuff," she explained. "I think he does that so I don't have any reason to leave home." Sash hummed and tapped his chin.

"That explains how empty Berryplenty was when I passed through on my way here," he grumbled. "He must have a similar operation working across the whole barony." As Sash sat in thought another period of quiet fell across the room, broken only by the quiet ticking of the kitchen clock and the occasional squawk of a crow passing by the window.

"He said if I won't work I'll just be evicted, so I can leave whenever I want," Sugar finally said before shifting in her seat and covering her face with her hooves. "But I won't have a home anymore if I do." Sash raised an eyebrow slightly and hummed.

"Well, and I'm sorry to say this, maybe that wouldn't be so bad," he quietly replied. When Sugarplum peeked up at him, he hopped down and trotted up beside her. "Sugarplum, I've recently made contact with a group of ponies and other creatures who've gone through similar, if not as heartbreaking, circumstances. That's why I came to find you and Nec-" He hesitated and looked away as Sugarplum winced and buried her face again. Clearing his throat, he tapped his hoof twice.

"Anyway, their leader has plans to help them all, and after speaking with him, I gave up my office to lend them my aid," he continued, managing to draw her attention after a moment. Once they locked eyes, he fixed her with a determined frown. "If you come with me, we can't reverse what has happened but-" He scowled off to the side and took a shallow breath.

"But we might be able to make it right."

Sitting at Pseudo's old desk, I flipped through my monster manual searching for an entry that had caught my eye initially which would be huge for the scheme I had in mind. According to Sash, the Whole Grain Barony, besides sounding like a knock-off breakfast food company, had spent the last five years steadily becoming monopolized. The baron had bought up all the land belonging to his subjects before renting it back to them. While scummy, this wasn't too strange as far as medieval or even modern society went, but he took it a step further.

Sash had learned that, since he owned the land, the baron had been cutting into the crop yields of the farms renting his land in addition to demanding rent. Some families, like Sugarplum, had even been compelled to tear their fields down and begin quarrying or face eviction, with certain laws or peculiar policies being handed down to enforce the change. Additionally, some ponies who complained or refused wound up arrested either for 'squatting,' or for some other drummed-up charge, and were then carted away.

Then there was the 'Yield Office.'

Per the baron's request, this office patrolled the barony, taking skewed inaccurate censuses which were then handed off to higher court officials, ensuring that as far as Canterlot was concerned, the needs of the lower class were being met. This was all plenty frustrating enough on top of what Sugarplum told me happened, but the motivation behind it, as was apparent to Sash and therefore, me, was vastly stupider.

The baron had been building a citadel. A multi-tiered, alabaster, Minas Tirith-ass citadel. The food and crops he'd been scraping off his subjects were all being used to not only stock this citadel but also to feed the teams of workers he kept, which were collected from the dissenting ponies he'd been having arrested.

Sash was privy to all this due to his connections to Truffles, but there wasn't anything in Equestrian law outlawing what the baron was doing. The compelled labor of criminals was perfectly legal, after all, and the baron was insistent that his citadel would majorly boost his realm's value. So, even if Celestia had decided to peek out from her ivory tower and send some dumb office pony to check in on him, I wasn't convinced the baron would face any repercussions. Legally, he was peachy.

"Parasprites," I murmured as I found the entry I'd been looking for. "Found in the bleh-bleh-bleh, reproducing by eating, so even one can become meh-meh-meh." I nodded as I digested the passage.

Because Evil Wizards don't give two shits about legalities.

"Yeah. You'll do."

The nitty-gritty details would still require some finesse on my part, but a plan was already forming in my mind. I suppose I could have just turned invisible, snuck inside his citadel, and blasted him in his sleep.

But to be honest, that seemed too easy. Death was too easy.

I wanted this silly little pony to live to regret everything he'd done.

"I found it," I declared, leaning back in my seat and fixing Sash, who sat just across the desk from me, with a firm stare. "Continue."

Outside the fortress walls and across the bridge, Honeysuckle sat staring into the lake water, gently tracing her hoof across the water's surface. Beside her, she held her suit of scale mail in her magic and idly peeled the scales up before letting them fall back into place, producing a gently clinking noise that harmonized with the gentle ripple of the lake.
Her two companions behind her had remained in their armor, however, and shared a look before Snowpea took a step forward. "Lieutenant?"

"I'm AWOL, so I don't think I can use that title anymore," Honeysuckle replied, causing Snowpea to flinch.

"Uhm," she paused and looked back at Violence who wore an uncertain expression before turning back to Honeysuckle. "H-honeysuckle?"

"Hm?" Honeysuckle turned her head slightly, though her attention was still on the water.

"What do we do now?" Snowpea pressed, causing Honeysuckle to pause. Her attention drifted from the lake to her companions and then to the airship hovering above the fort. Along the wall, a few of the bolder cultists stood staring back at her with determined glares. Finally, her eyes fell upon her armor, specifically the golden tunic she wore over it and the crest of the sun emblazoned on its chest.

"If you two return immediately, you should be able to convince them that you were abducted while attempting to retrieve me," Honeysuckle finally replied, letting the armor drop from her grip before returning to idly stirring the water. "You could blame that on me as well, now that I think about it." Snowpea recoiled before darting beside Honeysuckle.

"Return? We can't leave you on your own!" She cried.

"Why not? You didn't ask for any of this," Honeysuckle replied with a shrug. Snowpea scrunched her muzzle and looked out toward the lake.

"Well," she murmured before shaking her head. "Neither did you." Honeysuckle met her eyes for a moment before scowling and looking away with a huff. Snowpea flinched at her reaction before hearing someone step just behind her. Turning, she sighed at the new arrival.

"Hey, Goober," she muttered.

"Hey, heard you were all still here. Glad to see it," Victor replied, standing with his arms folded and an expectant leer. He looked looked past Snowpea at Honeysuckle. "Less thrilled about the fact you're naked." Honeysuckle recoiled before looking at him in confusion.

"Quoi?" She huffed. The two stared at each other for a moment before she snorted and shook her head. "Whatever. What do you want?"

"Need your help with something," he replied, drawing a grunt from the unicorn.

"Hah. Why on earth would I-" Victor waved his hand and turned away.

"Fair point, never mind," he declared as he strode for the bridge. "I was just under the impression you cared about Sugarplum, seeing as she's Turnip's sister and all." Snowpea's ears shot back and her attention darted between Victor and Honeysuckle, the latter of whom sat up straight.

"What?" Honeysuckle demanded.

"The thing I need. It's for Sugarplum," Victor replied, waving his hand back at her without looking. "But since you don't care, it's fine. I'll figure something else out." Honeysuckle's jaw dropped.

"You- I-" Her attention flitted from Snowpea to Violence and then to cultists on the wall. And then finally, to Victor, who was still striding away. And whistling. The sight and sound just struck her funny and she snarled her teeth before jumping to her hooves and galloping after him. "Fils de pute. Wait a minute, you!"

The noon sun lit up the entire clearing around the Whole Grain estate, allowing the baron to scan his property from the highest point of the Whole Grain Citadel. The structure was wrought from common brick painted white and covered a space comparable to Canterlot itself. Even though only three of the expected six levels of the citadel were complete, and though all but the lowest level was so far just a large ring with nothing inside, it still towered over the clearing and made the baron's mansion three miles away seem even smaller by comparison.

The beaming rays of the sun were practically dim in comparison to the look of pride beaming from the stallion's face. But this was of no comfort to the ponies hauling carts laden with building material along the ramps and scaffolds that filled the interior of each ring, especially those leading the construction effort, who were gathered on the topmost ring away from the baron and having a hushed argument over the blueprints he'd commissioned.

"Look out!" A cry echoed up from the lowest level, followed by the sound of a scaffold giving way and a cart full of bricks tumbling below, crashing into the roof of one of the flimsy shacks the workers were kept in at night. The fore-ponies leading the operation paused their dispute to glance down into the depths before one of them shot the others a smug glare.

"Told you," he spat. "The bricks are too big."

"And I told you," the mare beside him spat back, jabbing him in the chest. "Take it up with him." She stuck her nose up and trotted away with a humph as the others shared a look before glaring at the baron, but they all wilted when the pegasus mare in the red dress just behind him shot a glare back at them. Once they dispersed she turned forward and fixed her husband with an annoyed leer.

"Regardless of what happens to the rest of Equestria, my family will persevere," the baron quietly purred, an unabashed, prideful sneer firmly adhered to his face. He swept his hoof toward the countryside. "And so long as the world keeps spinning, those peasants outside this citadel will benefit from it." He took a giddy, shuddering breath and briefly pranced in place before drawing the plans for his citadel from his coat and looking over them with wonder and stars in his eyes.

"Once it's complete, anyway," he hummed, tracing his hoof over the design. "A magically powered and automated farm! A cloud-gathering machine to turn clouds into drinking water! Not to mention the defensive applications!" He giggled and scooted toward the edge of the wall, leering down at the vast number of bricks. At the lowest point, a few teams of pegasi were applying a slightly off-white paint to some of the bricks.

"Every stone will soon have the best magical defenses applied to it. The rest of Equestria could collapse to war or another reality-warping freak, but this citadel will still stand!"

"Once it's complete," his wife replied, with an unimpressed tone.

"Once it's complete!" He parroted.

"And once you've paid it off," she added.

"And once I- Bah! Don't bother me with that," the baron shot back, waving a hoof at her as he rolled up the plans. He turned toward her with a smug grin. "Goldflame and his pals are about to fulfill their crude little scheme. Once they do, I won't have to worry about the artisans I've commissioned for all this." Returning his attention to the wall, his eyes drifted to his mansion in the distance—soon to be abandoned once his new home in the citadel was complete.

"And even if their plan falls through, I still have the family trust," he quietly mused.

"What was that?" His wife demanded, stepping up beside him.

"Nothing!" The baron chirped, looking off to the side with a smile. As he did, he blinked and watched as a small, pink, winged ball with big, bug eyes landed beside him. He recoiled and jabbed at it with his hoof. "What's this ugly thing?" The thing retreated from his touch and took to the air again, just in time for the baron's wife to notice it and gasp.

"That's-!" Before she could continue, a pegasus guard erupted up from the lowest interior level.

"Baron! The food storehouse is infested!" She cried, drawing a squawk from the baron as his wife hissed and swatted at the colorful bug.

"What?! How?! I paid to have them fumigated!" The baron cried.

"The bugs're getting through holes popping up all through the lowest level!" The guard cried back. "And as their eating they keep splitting and making more of themselves!"

"What?" The baron paused and his ears swiveled. "What's that rumbling?"

THREE WEEKS EARLIER

"Good luck and don't die!" Honeysuckle chirped from the ship as Sash and I made our way to the hill. "Celestia forbid you make me happy."

"Derivative," I called back. According to the book, this part of the 'Macintosh Hills' was riddled with low-lives and diamond dogs. As we approached the hill I'd spied out from the airship, I could already see I'd chosen wisely: Plenty of dogmen just like Nettle were milling about, washing cartfuls of shiny rocks and dirt in the stream that split through the clearing before their hill. As we drew near, a few of them paused and glanced up at me before gesturing to the others. An anxious smile fell over my face as I slipped on my Shield. Sash swallowed hard and looked up at me.

"I-I trust you, Victor, but," he cleared his throat and looked ahead. "Why exactly are we attempting to make contact with these diamond dogs?"

"Besides dealing with his citadel in one go, the baron probably keeps his money somewhere on his property, doesn't he?" I asked back, maintaining my confident strut as a few dogs vanished into a hole in the side of the hill.

"Well, yes. Most nobles do keep coins and other treasures within their homes," Sash replied, before nervously bleating as a team of armed and armored dogs came stomping out toward us. "Though that's all usually for show. Most families keep the vaster sum of their wealth in the bank." I hummed at his explanation.

"Great. Display or not, we can have these guys help us steal it all," I said, coming to a stop as the spear-wielding guards barrelled toward us. "Diamond Dogs can smell out gems and riches and shit, according to my book."

"Oh! I see," Sash hummed before raising a hoof as if to ask something else. Before he could, I gently pushed him behind me with my leg and took a breath just as the points of the guards' spears arrived mere inches from my chest.

"Stop! Who you?" One demanded.

"What you want?" Another snarled.

"No solicitors!" A third added.

"Not interested in Sun Pony Church either!" A fourth put forth.

"That still soliciting!" The third growled, nudging his compatriot. "Me say that already!"

"I know! Just being thorough!" The fourth spat back before nodding firmly. "Moon Pony Church fine though."

"Agreed!" They all shouted before fixing me with a set of firm glares.

"So?" The first demanded. I stood with my hands up, my eyes darting from one to another for a few seconds before clearing my throat.

"Afternoon, gentlemen. I have a proposition for the leader of your colony," I explained, causing the third and fourth dogs to growl and clutch their spears tighter. "And if he doesn't like it, my sheep friend and I will come work in your mines for you." Sash swallowed hard and hugged the ground as the quartet paused and shared a look.

"Slaves good," the third hummed.

"Go against Moon Church teachings though, I think," the fourth mused.

"Who cares! Take them to Leader!" The first roared before they surrounded us and began urging us forward. I shared a look with Sash, who looked like he was about to have a panic attack, before focusing forward. We were guided into the dimly lit tunnels and through the host of lounging and digging dogs who watched us with curiosity.

Eventually, the tunnel opened up to a low cavern with a huge pile of gems and raw gold in the center. Just before the pile was a big flat stone, surrounded by guard dogs in crystal armor with shimmering crystal swords. On the stone itself a stout, bulldog in crystal armor with golden hoops hooked into it, sat with an unimpressed glare on his face. We were stood before the impromptu throne as the leader of our group waddled forward and whispered in the bulldog's ear, who grunted in response.

"Solicitors, eh?" He snorted, folding his bulky arms and raising an eyebrow. I shared a nervous look with Sash before taking a shallow breath and holding a hand out to the dog.

"You're in charge?" I queried. He growled and pounded his fist against his leg.

"Yes. I am the biggest. I am the strongest! I-"

"What about him?" I asked, pointing over his shoulder. The dog flinched and turned and all the others followed suit. During their moment of distraction, I waved my hand at him. As I did, my spell rolled out like when I'd attempted to cast it on Sneaky weeks ago. The chains of 'Charm Person' snapped out and stuck to his body, holding firm and then vanishing.

"Who?" He murmured as he turned to face me, though with a noticeably less hostile expression. I smiled and waved my hand.

"Sorry, must be seeing things," I said, clapping my hands and leaning forward. "Anyway, I have a proposal I'd like you to hear."

"Interesting! Do share, friend," he chirped, beckoning me closer.

"Evacuate! The foundation's giving way!" A pegasus guard repeatedly screamed as he zipped up and down, ensuring that each level could hear the command over the thunderous racket of the citadel as the ground it was built upon began to shift.

"Where are my engineers?!" Whole Grain cried, kicking and flailing his legs as his wife descended the outside of the citadel with him in her hooves. His head whipped about to his wife's annoyance as he scanned the shaking superstructure. "Don't let my work go to waste! Find a way to keep it stable!" As he screamed a guard flew down beside him and saluted.

"My Lord! The engineering team and guards have already evacuated, but there are dozens of prisoners unaccounted for!" He reported, at which the baron kicked his legs at him.

"Who cares about the missing ones?! Take the ones who are accounted for and keep the citadel from sinking!" He bellowed. His wife grunted and adjusted her grip before glowering at the citadel.

"I don't think it's merely sinking, dear," she said, drawing his attention to her. "It appears to only be falling on one side." The baron recoiled as best he could.

"What?!" He cried before looking at the citadel. Sure enough, and strangely almost as soon as his attention was fixed upon it, the entire structure began to lean more and more to one side as the very earth beneath it caved in. Slowly, the upper portion cracked and began to slide away from the lower portion until the entire construction crumbled. Down at ground level, dozens and dozens of ponies who'd only just escaped were sent stampeding for their lives as countless tons of brickwork fell to the earth. The baron's jaw and whole body hung limp in his wife's grip. "My- My dream."

"Is that an airship?" The guard murmured, snapping him out of his stupor and drawing his attention to his house, above which an airship sat hovering.

"Whuh?" He squeaked.

ONE WEEK PRIOR

I uttered a prolonged, wheezing grunt as Honeysuckle whirled me around herself at high speed in an exercise she claimed was to 'get a feel for my size and weight.' Whatever it was, the motion wasn't causing me any distress.

It was the occasional glimpses of what came next. She brought me to a sudden stop and approached the edge of the airship, drawing worried murmurs from the cultists crewing the vessel.

"Honestly, if you had led with the fact your plan involved this sort of thing, I would have been much more involved from the beginning," she cooed, looking over the side at the courtyard far, far below.

"Just-" I grunted as she hovered me into position. "Just try to spin me as much on the way down."

"Silence! A blade does not command its master," she spat, drawing an annoyed hiss from me.

"You-" Before I could argue further, she leaped drawing a gasp from me. As we began to descend, she snapped me to the side and positioned herself over me, making sure she could see my face as we fell with her atop me like a surfboard. I glared death at her to counter her smug grin as she leaned into me, confident that if my shield didn't save us both, her 'superior fitness and quadrupedal bones' would allow her to walk the fall off. A claim that left me thoroughly tempted to not actually cast my shield before we tried this.

Within seconds, I saw the peak of the cliffs surrounding the fort race past and I braced and clenched my eyes shut. All signs pointed to this working, and I'd tested free-falling from shorter heights already. But this was still pretty extreme so-

"So? Still alive?" Honey chirped, causing me to open my eyes. She was now simply lying on top of me with an expectant leer. "'Cause that's about the altitude we'd be working with." Looking around, I saw we'd hit the ground and left a decent-sized dent in the earth.

Sighing in relief, I raised a thumbs-up to her.

I braced again as we impacted against the roof of the baron's mansion. Besides the fact the surface we landed on caved in, the only difference from our practice rounds over the last week was Honeysuckle was wearing a ninja-looking disguise over her armor. Oh, and the fact that when we fell through the roof, we were met with screams from Whole Grain's guards.

"What in the world?!" One wailed.

"Who are you?!" The other squealed. In response, Honeysuckle hopped and swept me out and held me aloft.

"Cower fools!" I roared, thrusting my hands up. "For I-" And then Honeysuckle dashed forward, whipping me around like a bat and sweeping the pair aside. I blinked and looked over at the unconscious duo who'd slammed into a bookshelf before going limp.

"I was doing a thing," I grumbled before sizing up the rest of the room. It seemed we'd landed in a library with very little in the way of finery to loot. "Nothing here, unless you see something I don't." In response, Honeysuckle hummed before galloping toward one of the two doors leading out.

"Non, but if Whole Grain is anything like the nobles in Canterlot, he'd keep his vault this way," she explained as we burst out into a hallway. She rushed along for a moment before coming to a stop and shaking me to get my attention. "And along the way." I raised an eyebrow and turned to see a fucking stack of gold bars in a display case between two windows.

"Tight," I replied before casting Strength on myself, smashing the glass and hurling the bars outside. The bars sailed for a good distance before finally touching down. I jabbed an arm forward. "Onward!" Honeysuckle purred a laugh before charging.

"Besides the opportunity to abuse me, I'm surprised how into this you are," I quipped with my arms folded before we came to another display case, this time with a big ass diamond.

"There are many things about me you don't know, Goobèr," she explained as I expelled the treasure. "Among them, my own feelings about what high society does to the common pony." As she spoke, I watched the unattended treasure outside suddenly slip into a hole in the ground and could see a similar hole where the gold had landed, a stray parasprite or two fluttering out of either hole, probably some of the only survivors after the rest got caught in the citadel's collapse.

"Fair enough," I replied just before she bolted down the hall. We repeated the process twice more before a door ahead of us swung open.

"I told you heard something! INTRUDERS!" One of the guards cried before a cluster more attempted to stampede through the door, getting stuck on each other in the process. Honeysuckle dashed forward and swung me around before lining me up like a pool cue and snapping me headfirst into the lot of them. The leader let out a gurgling grunt as they all tumbled back.

Whirling me back and hurrying along she glanced up at me. "How much longer will your shield last?" I hummed and looked around ahead of us before reaching out and snagging a clock off the wall as we raced. Studying it for a second before throwing it away, I nodded.

"Ten minutes, I think," I replied with my arms folded. "But I've got another one prepared just in case."

"Plenty of time," she chirped, looking ahead. "Especially since we're here." Turning my attention forward, I saw we'd arrived at a large, intricately carved double door. Before I could do anything, Honeysuckle reared up and then hurled me forward with all her might to the point she nearly flipped over. I smashed the door to pieces and tumbled along the floor before slamming into another display that fell atop me.

"Whoopsie!" Honey chirped after me. I glared at her before heaving the display off and rising to my feet. Looking around I huffed at the sheer opulence on display. The entire room was not only huge but was something akin to a museum loaded with gold, gems, and valuable-looking art pieces. Looking back the way we'd come and seeing a window, I smirked before grabbing the sturdy vase that had been on the display I'd smashed into.

"Here's hoping most of this can survive the fall," I declared.

"Don't forget that," Honeysuckle said, trotting up beside me and pointing a hoof to a large metal safe at the side of the room.

"You know the combination?" I asked as I took the size of the thing in. It was nearly as tall as I was and equal in width to its height. Whatever was inside had to be hella valuable if he kept it locked up.

"No, but I know an imbécile who can magic himself strong enough to throw gold bars like cardboard," she retorted. I pursed my lips and sized up the safe with a slow nod.

"Good point."

"Not as good as the one I gave your father last evening," she declared with a confident laugh. I felt my face scrunch up and fixed her with a look that caused her confidence to wilt away in an instant. "No good?"

"No."

ONE WEEK LATER

"-And by the time we'd escaped the dust clouds and debris, the ship was already shrinking into the distance!" Whole Grain cried, drawing nods of mild sympathy from three of the four ponies around him. The fourth, Goldflame, who owned the garden they were all seated in, remained ambivalent, even as his peer threw his head back with a wail. "My realm: infested. My entire vault: plundered. My life's work: ruined!" Grain sunk from his seat to the patio stones and lay on his back with a leg draped over his eyes.

"My stockpile: devoured! My labor force: depleted!" He groaned and quietly sobbed for a moment. The other four shared a look for a moment before he shot to his hooves with a sigh. "So, yes, I just had to get away from home for a while while my staff gets this all cleaned up." He brushed his chest with a hoof and shook his head. The others relaxed in their seats once he was upright.

"Must've been those awful 'Mountain Saints,'" Juniper grumbled, bristling her wings at the name and turning to Goldflame. "I thought we had the guard wipe those thugs out ages ago?"

"We did, though Yendrek was spotted amongst the party that raided Canterlot," Goldflame replied, reclining in his seat and stroking his mustache with his magic. "There was only one other moose spotted, so it certainly seems like their clan hasn't recovered."

"Thank the Maker," Lofty Heights huffed, shaking her head. "And also why I don't think they had anything to do with it. How in Equestria could they sink something that huge with so few numbers?" Grain nodded vehemently at her.

"Exactly. And my manor guard got a look at the creature who raided my home, and it was certainly no moose," he clenched his teeth with a growl. "Bipedal, mostly hairless, and exhibiting supernatural durability and strength." His expression softened to an expectant sneer as he turned to Goldflame, whose eyes darkened at his words.

"Sound familiar?"

"Blackbeard, hm?" Goldflame hummed before scowling. "And no doubt that contemptible nephew of mine helped him plan this." Basket Weaver furrowed his brow and tilted his head.

"But I thought it was the other biped who stole the airship?" He mused drawing an annoyed snort from Goldflame.

"Imbécile, you think there is only one in this world?" The unicorn spat, causing the earth pony to wilt. "Blackbeard has clearly not been idle and stole it before accomplishing this raid. Unless you wish to imply that this cowardly other biped would do something so bold."

"Yeah, and I recall hearing Honeysuckle managed to cut the other guy's hand right off," Lofty added, shaking her head. "So it clearly can't be him." The group considered Blackbeard's actions for a moment before the doors opened and Grain's wife stepped into the garden, drawing a beaming smile from the baron.

"Ah-hah! There she is. Come, my beloved! Sing sweet music to me," he purred as he dashed to her and lovingly nuzzled her, at which she offered only an annoyed leer. "Were you able to speak with the head of the equestrian bank? Did he understand my letters were stolen?" She brushed him back with a wing and nodded as she stepped to the seating area.

"Yes, I actually had a very productive conversation with him. Things have just been a bit hectic at the bank since, apparently, nearly a hundred small trust accounts were opened and then closed over the last week," she explained as the baron followed her. He and the others recoiled at her report.

"A hundred?" Goldflame murmured, furrowing his brow. The baron's wife hummed and turned to her bewildered husband.

"Speaking of, the family trust has been depleted. Completely. In fact, we're overdrawn by over sixty thousand bits," she said plainly, causing every ear to twitch and everyone's coats to bristle. All eyes were wide and locked on her. "What's more, the withdrawals were made with your signature on every letter." Every jaw dropped and silence held the garden. After a few seconds, the baron's wife hummed and continued.

"Strangely, said signature was missing when they presented the documents to me, so we were all very bewildered," she added, gently tapping the patio with a hoof before shrugging. "In any case, things are still hectic at the bank right now." Once more silence fell upon the garden and held its grip until the baron fell over, stiff as a board, and banged his head on the patio.

ONE WEEK PRIOR

LESS THAN TWO HOURS FOLLOWING THE RAID

We'd landed the airship just north of the Hayseed Swamps, as planned. To my immense relief, Bogdon and his small army of diamond dogs were actually waiting for us, alongside the pony prisoners they'd helped escape from the collapsing citadel via their burrows and tunnels they'd spent a few days preparing at my request.

As I prepared to disembark, I couldn't help but notice the cultists who were crewing the vessel all looking at me with a renewed air of admiration. But among them all, Sugarplum stood out, due to the fact I couldn't really read her expression.

But her eyes were firmly locked on me as I stepped off the ship and approached Bogdon, who stood a few dozen feet off with a wide smile as his boys divided up the treasure I'd removed from the baron's house. As I drew near, he chuckled and stepped up to greet me, firmly taking my hand in a shake before patting my back.

"Thanks for your help," I said, gesturing to the treasure. "I trust all that will suffice as payment?" I narrowed my eyes and glanced at the small crowd of ponies off to the side.

"And there was no funny business about letting all the ponies free?" I added, fixing him with an incredulous leer. He laughed and slapped his thigh.

"Correct on all accounts, my good wizard!" He shot me a toothy smile and shook his head. "For the life of me, I can't remember why I ever agreed to work with a runt like you, but I'm glad for it!" His smile darkened and he jabbed me in the chest with a claw.

"If you ever need help with a scheme like this, you know where to find me," he said with a grim laugh.

"I'll keep that in mind," I quietly hummed in my wizard voice as we parted and he waddled off to his warband. I stood eyeing up the freed prisoners who were looking at me anxiously, when Sash came trotting up.

"Shame we didn't get to keep any of that treasure. It would have been useful for getting ourselves properly established," he said with a sigh. I reached down at patted his back.

"True, but hey!" I leaned closer and whispered in his ear. "Didn't tell Bogdon about the safe, did we?" I gestured back to the ship, where the safe stood hidden under a tarp. Sash considered it for a moment before smiling.

"Very true. Shall we see what's inside?" He offered. Standing up, I moved to lead us back to the ship when a few of the ponies stepped forward.

"Hey!" One cried, drawing my attention. Once our eyes met, he looked me up and down before glancing off at the diamond dogs who were now departing. "You're- You're the guy responsible for this, aren't you?" A smile broke across my features and I held my hands out in a sagacious pose.

"Correct," I replied with a warm chortle. The ponies all considered me for a moment before the one speaking scowled.

"Who the heck do you think you are?" He spat, causing me to blink and my smile to fade. "Do you know what the baron'll do to my family for this?" To the crowd's credit, only a few began echoing his sentiment.

That didn't help my mood, though, especially as a mare stomped forward and actually jabbed a hoof at me.

"Yeah! If don't work, our families will-"

"I didn't ask," I spat back, causing her to flinch. Folding my arms, I looked over the whole crowd with an annoyed expression. "Look, I heard what the baron did to just one little pony and it pissed me off. So, I set all this up just to fuck him over." A weary, toothy, sarcastic smile came over my face.

"You wanna get incensed on his behalf, be my guest," I said, waving a hand dismissively at them, before sweeping my hand at the ship. "But I tell you what, whatever's in that safe I stole has to be pretty damned valuable." The crowd looked toward the ship and then back to me as I took a few steps forward, tapping my chin as I continued.

"Maybe valuable enough for you to get your families the hell out of his territory if they mean that much to you," I shrugged with a wider smile before leaning forward at the hips to loom over the pair that had initially spoken up. "But if you try and make me the bad guy in this? If you try and spoil the good time high I'm riding after fucking that prick over?" An exasperated giggle slipped from between my teeth causing the pair to shrink under my gaze.

"I might slip back into the highly volatile headspace I was in leading up to this and give you something to bitch about," I stared down at them for a few hard seconds, during which time the pair hugged the ground tighter and tighter, and the stallion's eyes began to tear up. Finally, I snapped back up to my full height with a shrug before immediately turning for the ship. "Food for thought."

I was halfway to the ship before I heard a set of hooves trot up behind me, and glancing back I saw Sash looking off to the side with an uncomfortable expression.

"Like I said; whatever's inside the safe might be able to help them too," I offered, turning my attention forward. Sash hummed and seemed to perk up a little.

"Yes, of course," he replied after a few moments, long enough for us to make it to the deck. I approached the safe and yanked the tarp off before sweeping my arms back.

"Bear witness, all of you!" I roared in my wizard voice before seizing the handle. "My arcane might!" the cultists gathered in a circle a safe distance around me as I heaved. And heaved. And then braced my foot against the rim of the safe and heaved some more. Then braced my other foot so I was standing sideways on the safe and heaved some more.

"He's gonna pull his paw off at the seam where you cut it," I heard Snowpea whisper.

"One can hope," Honeysuckle replied. I clenched my teeth and heaved again, finally drawing a metallic pop from the safe before I fell flat on the ground. I held the plucked-free handle and mechanism up in Honeysuckle's direction.

"Hah," I weakly chortled. The gentle creaking of the safe opening revitalized me and I rolled to my feet before pulling it all the way open. I gazed wide-eyed and eager at the contents behind the safe door and gasped at what I found.

A big fat stack of paper.

Not dollar bills. Nah, just some cruddy documents. A lot of them, sure, but still just some documents. A whole safe for some papers. Pulling the stack out, I glowered at them with a heavy grumble and slowly shook my head. I couldn't really make sense of what all was written on them.

"Well, this is worthle-" But then Sash gasped and leaped up to snatch the entire stack from my grip. Laying it on the ground he scanned one, then flipped it aside and scanned the next and then the next.

"Letters of credit! My word!" He cried, quickly and dexterously flipping through the entire stack like a deck of cards before beaming up at me. "It's his entire credit stack!"

"Letters of credit being?"

"As good as gold, if they're legitimate and filled out properly," he chirped, slipping one letter my way and tapping the seal on its lower half. "This seal proves these are official Equestrian Banker's notes! You fill out here and here with the amount you wish to withdraw, and so long as the signature of whoever owns the account you're withdrawing from is present, that amount of bits is taken from their account and given to you!"

"Some families have whole stacks ready-made for quick distribution," Honeysuckle added, considering the stack with uncharacteristic astonishment. "Typically during big projects like the one Whole Grain was performing." I hummed and rubbed my chin at the pair's words before Sash groaned.

"Ah, drat. The fool didn't sign these. We could have easily performed some grand bank fraud with these if he did!" He shook his head with a sigh. "I could whip up some numbers on these easily enough, but the bank tellers are experts at identifying forged signatures." I raised an eyebrow and continued rubbing my chin.

"All we need is the guy's signature, huh?" I thought and drew my spell book. My spells were mostly spent, but tomorrow I could try all kinds of things. Heck, even if I couldn't do anything with these things, I could always just go Charm Bogdon again and take his money.

For now, though, I preferred not to rob potential allies, especially when diamond dogs were as close to orcs as a guy could get in silly ponyland. Searching my book, I found a spell I thought might have some application here.

PHANTASMAL FORCES
Vivid illusions of nearly anything the caster envisions for as long as the caster concentrates unless touched by some living creature.

I narrowed my eyes and pondered if what I had in mind would work as I beat the book into my hand, drawing everyone's attention to me. If it did, it would be a pain in the ass to pull off the way I envisioned. But the spell said anything the user envisions.

Worth a shot.

"Sugarplum!" I called. In an instant, she'd darted forward to stand before me, followed shortly after by her brother with both their saddle bags on his back. Sugarplum stood looking up at me with that same, even expression she'd worn the whole day. "You said the baron bought your land, right?" She hesitated and slowly nodded.

"Uhn, yes," she replied.

"You wouldn't happen to have a copy of the agreement would you?" I pressed. She hesitated again before looking over herself and then trotting in place as if looking for something. Turnip tilted his head before slipping off and handing her bags to her at which she beamed and began digging in them.

"Yeah, actually," she replied, finally fishing out and handing the paper to me with a slight frown. "I- It's petty, but, I didn't want to ever forget what he did."

"Well, well," I purred as I sized up the baron's signature at the bottom. "Thank God for pettiness."

AND THEN

I was getting pretty good at mediation, apparently. The handful of cultists and rescued ponies who'd come with me to the wooded outskirts of Baltimare (I think was what Sash called the city) on this little test drive were having a collection of hushed conversations nearby, but I was able to drown them out and hold my focus.

I sat with my eyes closed and gnawed my thumb as we waited, both due to nerves that I was violently struggling against, and due to the pounding migraine I'd brought on by holding the image I had in my mind this whole time. I'd spent two days practicing holding the spell at a distance and found to my immense satisfaction that so long as the actual portion of the letter where Whole Grain's signature wasn't disturbed, my illusory copy of his signature wouldn't vanish.

And the spell never said I couldn't imagine up several things at once. Plus, even if this plan failed, it wasn't like I was the one who'd be arrested for attempted bank fraud. A real win/win, if you're me.

My eye twitched as I heard a pair of hooves gently creep up to my side. Even with my eyes closed, I had an idea who it was and what that meant, but I held my focus just to be safe.

"Victor?" Sash said, drawing a hum from me. "They've returned." I sighed and released the illusion before flopping onto my back and rubbing my eyes with a groan.

"Did it work?" I grumbled, massaging my thumbs into my temples. Sash didn't reply, but I heard a few more hooves approach and peeked between my fingers to see some of the ponies I'd sent into town standing over me. "Well?" The six of them shared a bashful look before one, the mare who'd jabbed her hoof at me in fact, gently pawed the ground and slowly nodded.

"Yeah, they bought it," she explained with her ears back. She meekly gestured at Sash who now wore a relieved expression. "Like the sheep said, we just told them we were part of the baron's construction team and were collecting payment now that our contract's up." I took a deep breath and let out a heavy, triumphant sigh.

"So, you've all got your little accounts set up and can take out the money now?" I asked, draping my arm over my eyes and adopting a weary smile.

"Yessir," she replied, drawing a hum out of me. "We'll all be able to get our families out of the baron's territory now, I'm pretty sure."

"Great," I sighed, embracing the moment and relaxing. After a few seconds of silence, I sat up with a groan and moved to stand. "Alright. Let's go collect the next batch and-" At my full height, I dusted my hands off, pursed my lips, and blew a huff of air.

"Do it again tomorrow," I murmured, already feeling the impending migraine coming on.

"At a different city, preferably," Sash offered, drawing my attention to him. He leaned toward me with a wink. "Too many withdrawals from the same branch might raise a few eyebrows."

"Good point," I replied with a nod, thinking for a moment. "Philadelphia?" He blinked and raised a hoof.

"Ah, Fillydelphia," he retorted with a knowing grin, earning a scowl from me.

"Fuck off."

PRESENT TIMES, ELSEWHERE

SCANDAL IN CANTERLOT, SIGNS OF IMPENDING ECONOMIC FAILURE?
Following the heinous looting of the Whole Grain Barony by forces led by Blackbeard and Blueleaf more on page 5!, it was discovered that a perplexing clerical error had left the already grieving baron destitute and in debt.

Our investigation has determined-

"Pseudo," Blackbeard grumbled as he scanned the newspaper for a second time, still rocking gently in his chair behind his desk while the rest of the bar outside his private and quiet room partied on. The human had exchanged his tattered old outfit for something more modern and now wore a white silk tunic under a flowing red coat with golden fringes. The only other being in the room slowly strode to his side, and once there he snapped the paper toward him. "What do you make of this? Page five, specifically."

Pseudo took the paper and read the full article carefully as the pirate sat with an annoyed frown. Finally, Pseudo hummed and returned the paper to him. "It seems they've mistaken Victor Fremont for you," he said plainly, drawing a huff from Blackbeard.

"Or Victor Fremont is using my name to commit all manner of mischief without any of the blame falling upon him," Blackbeard groused, looking over his desk and reaching for the little golden bell upon it. "Shameful."

"Do you intend to do something about this?" Pseudo asked as the pirate hammered the bell before reclining again.

"Maybe. Maybe not," Blackbeard replied, rubbing two fingers together. "Might kill him later, but we'll see. For now, I've got a burgeoning colony to tend to. Lots of hopeful little miscreants to speak with." He smiled as the door opened and one such miscreant came trotting in.

"For instance! Who might you be, little lady?" He asked once the pony was seated across from him. She was about to reply when she noticed Pseudo and froze up. For his part, Pseudo said nothing and merely stared back, keeping the pony stuck for a few seconds until Blackbeard glanced between the two and then leaned forward. "Oy." The pony jolted and looked at him before clearing her throat.

"Sneaky Salvage, Mr. Blackbeard, sir," she replied with a slight bow, causing Blackbeard's eyes to light up and a smile to split his features. Sneaky cleared her throat again and donned a meager smile, but before she could say anything further, Blackbeard leaned forward.

"Sneak-" As he attempted to repeat her name, he folded and uttered a drawn-out wheeze that slowly morphed into a heaving, coughing, laughing fit. He beat his palm against his knee as he cackled and nearly fell out of his seat.