I hate camping.

Across the four days of our trek, I found myself continually reminded of that fact. Now, as I sat upon a hollowed-out stump I was lucky enough to find after last night's hastily prepared giant fuck-off alligator monster failed to agree with me, I was reminded of that fact again.

"Oh, you not worry wizard! I smell meat! No smell bad!" I quietly grumbled, trying to take my mind off the cramping in my gut. I folded over and rested on my knees with a groan. Whatever this place was Nettle was leading us to, at least it was an actual hotel. With beds, and walls, and properly cooked food. And proper plumbing.

Reaching down between my feet, I grabbed one of my books. It hadn't been there a moment ago, but it became apparent during our journey that Discord had done me the courtesy of binding the books to me. Now, whenever they were out of sight, they simply popped up right where I could reach them. That was especially convenient at that moment since it gave me something to read.

"Alrighty, let's see," I murmured. Besides digging around for more information on how magic works for me, I'd also peeked at how much cash I'd need to improve said magic as well as how sharp an improvement I'd find.

Honeysuckle's heirloom sword must've cleared two-and-a-half grand since twenty-five hundred was the amount of 'gold' I'd needed to rank up. Luckily, bits counted, but I had to get ahold of a grand total of five thousand to proceed, at which point I could handle three first-tier spells and finally access the second-tier. But only one per day.

Maybe the angry French horse had a few more swords I could swipe? Thoughts for later.

For now, with those numbers safely in mind, I began scanning the spells I would take for today. Magic Missile was an immediate choice after last night and our encounter with the gator monster that wound up becoming dinner. While Nettle's spears only managed to scratch it, my magic was able to blow most of its skull off, allowing him to stab it in the brain.

So yeah, instant high-impact exploding death spell is going right on the list. But what to take for number two? Charm Person was all but useless since we'd only seen wild animals or talking four-legged folk.

Protection from Evil sounded tempting as it claimed to provide a shield against attacks from evil creatures and enchanted things. But the exact definition for 'enchanted' being unclear and the fact we hadn't really met anyone 'evil' sort of undercut it.

Read Magic, Read Languages, and Ventriloquism could suck my dick. Sleep was a friend I trusted with my life. Detect Magic wasn't very useful on the road, and the same for Hold Portal, which should be called 'Lock Door.'

That just left Light and Shield. The former creates light, who'd'a thunk? The latter put up a barrier around me. How sturdy it was, I didn't know, but it specified that it was pretty solid protection against getting shot. I clicked my teeth as I mulled it over. How likely was I to get shot out here? That thought caused me to glance around the woodland I was sitting in, which instilled in me a deep-seated feeling of vulnerability. I gulped and quickly memorized the spell before finishing up my business. Luckily, we'd stolen toilet paper from the guards back in Ponytown, so I wasn't stuck with the nightmare scenario of using leaves, but that did raise another question in my mind.

I glanced down at my books as I tightened my belt. If I tore out pages from these, would they restore themselves? If they were burned or otherwise destroyed, would they still pop up? There was only one way to know, and that was a path I wouldn't walk willingly.

So, with a grunt of mild discomfort from the continued cramping in my stomach, I slipped my books into my belt and returned to our camp. Passing through the brush, I spied the little clearing around the stone bridge we'd camped beside. The hunk of mostly charred gator meat lay right where we'd left it beside our unlit fire, with some bites gnawed out of it. The dogman culprit was currently taking a dip in the narrow river that ran under the bridge.

Sneaky meanwhile was lounging on her bedroll, pigging out on a crate of apples that I don't recall us ever bringing with us. She noticed me as I approached and waved before scowling and scooting the box closer to herself. I chuckled tossed my books onto my bedroll and picked up my soap.

"My stomach's bugging me too much, anyhow," I declared to her before approaching the river. "Where'd you get those, though?" She swallowed her mouthful with a hum.

"A wagon came by, so I distracted them with small talk while Nettle swiped 'em," she chirped. I laughed aloud and began washing my hands.

"Can't help but break the law, huh?"

"Said the big ugly slaver to the cute little pony," she retorted with a humph. I frowned and glanced back at her before shrugging.

"Yeah, fair enough," I replied. As I carefully cleaned my hands, a process made challenging by my healing hand like so many other tasks, Nettle erupted out of the water. He stood up straight as a statue and strode out a few feet from me before taking a breath and shaking his whole body.

"Watch it!" Sneaky cried, covering her eyes with a hoof and her apples with a wing. The diamond dog sighed and scratched his fur with a nod.

"We make good time. Be at hotel in day and a half, I think," he hummed as he ambled up to the meat and ripped a chunk out of it. I nodded as I shook my hands dry and laid on my bedroll. "What wizard do to ponies anyway?" I tilted my head to look at him as he gnawed his food.

"Guilty by association," I explained at which Sneaky stuck her tongue out at me.

"And how you two meet?" He pressed, sitting down and looking between us. I glanced at Sneaky who let out an annoyed huff.

"Well, I was using Discord's chaos as a cover to make some easy money," she explained, biting another apple. "By the time the Elements of Harmony blasted him, I already had a pretty decent stash hidden, and decided to try looting the Castle of Two Sisters." She scowled at me and hucked her half-eaten apple at me, which smacked my shirt harmlessly.

"Then, I bumped into him and he placed a curse on me to make me do what he says," she added with a growl. I smiled at her as Nettle nodded.

"Chaos spirit have something to do with me, too," he explained, jabbing his thumb at the suitcase he stole. "I was hunting and fell into hole above me. Dropped in front of rich pony's house. He find me and, well, you know rest."

"Guess that makes three," I replied, drawing their attention to me. I shrugged. "Discord's the whole reason I'm here in the first place."

"Oh, of course he had something to do with me find you," Sneaky groused with a roll of her eyes. She let out a miserable sigh. "And I was so sure I'd avoided drawing his attention, too."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better the situation he dropped me into wasn't ideal for me either," I explained, rolling to lie on my back.

"Right, you mentioned needing to recover your lost power," Sneaky muttered. I blinked and glanced at her.

"Yeah, exactly."

"Not good to lie. We relying on each other, not lying on each other," Nettle said firmly. I stared at him blankly and stammered, drawing a shrug from him. "Things smell different when lying or scared. You should tell truth. What Discord do to you?" I blanched and shifted my attention between him and Sneaky, who was glaring intently at me. Finally, I sighed.

"He, uh, summoned me to this planet and gave me my magic," I explained, lying on my back again. "He just didn't tell me exactly how it worked and then just ditched me in the middle of the woods." Nettle hummed with a nod, but Sneaky shot to her hooves.

"What?! So that whole spiel about 'recovering your lost power' was a load of horse-apples?!" She cried, emphasizing her words with a shitty impression of me. I shrugged in response, causing her to groan and flop over. "What'd I do to deserve this?"

"Stealing," Nettle hummed.

"Shut up," she grumbled.

"So, what you think?" Nettle asked with a subdued laugh. I wore a wide frown as I scanned the structure before us, while Sneaky stood with her jaw hanging and a quiet croaking noise in place of a response.

The hotel was a sight to behold for a world like ponyland. It was entirely one level and was shaped like an L. The space between us and the building seemed to have been cleared of grass, paved over with stones, and then let to overgrow. The beige walls were chipping, and I could spy the rooms along the arm of the building, but all the windows were boarded up, and there was trash everywhere.

As well as-

"Is that a skeleton?" Sneaky squeaked as she scurried and hid behind my leg. Sure enough, in the middle of the paved space was a skeleton of some kind of horned thing. A minotaur maybe? Don't know if those exist, but it certainly fit the bill. I hummed and tapped Nettle on the shoulder.

"So, about that cave?" I asked with a hopeful smile, at which he just laughed and waved his paw.

"Not worry. Minotaur get stabbed trying to rob hotel. We safe here," he explained before taping his chin. "I think." He shrugged and began waddling towards one of the doors at the end of the building's arm, over which there was a sign reading 'Reception.' I took a deep, cleansing breath before following him, and Sneaky softly sobbed before trotting after me.

The door to the reception room slid open, revealing a wide booth with a dead potted plant at its corner, and a polished tile floor that circled the booth to another room. Standing signs pointed to both paths leading to the dining area. The booth itself had a rack of keys on its back wall, as well as an equal number of brass funnels with pipes that seemingly stretched to the floor. On the booth's counter was a rusty call bell, a stack of menus, and a whiteboard with a grid pattern drawn on it.

On the other side of the counter, reading a book while reclining in a chair, was a normal pony with a mottled green coat and a yellowish-orange mane that was kept in a ponytail. The sight of a pony wearing such a hairdo was momentarily perplexing, but I elected to push my questions aside and just tapped the bell.

"Heh," the pony replied before turning the page of his book. I raised an eyebrow as his focus remained on what he was reading. I glanced back at my companions before ringing the bell again, twice in fact. "Oh-hoh! That's silly."

I frowned as he continued to read. Glancing back at my companions again, Sneaky was just as bewildered as me, but Nettle wore a knowing smile. I scowled and began hammering the bell, at which the pony just flicked his ear and turned another page.

"HEY!" Sneaky suddenly screamed, causing him to yelp and flop out of his chair. He shot back up and clambered against the counter with a glare.

"Hey yourself! Don't sneak up on me like that!" He spat at which Sneaky's jaw dropped and I gasped in exasperation.

"I rang the bell!" I retorted. He blinked and looked at the bell with wonder.

"Oh, that's what that was! Phew!" He chuckled and shook his head. "I thought my tinnitus was acting up!" I flinched and glanced back at Nettle as the pony composed himself.

"Anyhoo, welcome to Misery! Where we love company!" He chirped, stamping his hoof against the counter. "What can I do to you?" I shook my head and sighed.

"Alright, well," then realization struck. "Do to?"

"Yeah, I've been encouraged by my legal advisors that the phrase 'do for' implies service, which implies a positive exchange from the business to the guest," he explained with a solemn nod. "Which isn't always true at Misery, you see."
"What do you mean by that?" I choked out and raised my eyebrows. "Is there something wrong with-"

"Not at all! We're perfectly safe here in reception," he chuckled, raising one hoof and whispering to me. "It's the rooms that wig me out. Especially number twenty-eight. Oh! And the laundry situation." I stood gobsmacked, so Sneaky gulped and peeped up.

"What's wrong with twenty-eight?" She asked. The pony grimaced.

"Uh, well, for starters, we never built a room twenty-eight," he explained, turning and pointing at the funnels on the wall. "But I get calls from the guy in twenty-eight every night at midnight complaining about the gnawing, the burning, and the dripping." Sneaky squeaked a series of laughs that slowly drifted into sobs as she curled up on the floor. I took a breath and shook my head in a slight daze.

"What's the laundry situation?" I murmured. He hummed with a nod.

"Some cultist weirdos have occupied the laundry pool. So, I have to recommend you not wash your clothes down there." I drummed the counter with my fingers, glanced down at the quietly weeping Sneaky, and then up at Nettle.

"Least guards not come here," he offered.

"Aha! Another guest nowhere to turn due to legal trouble?" The desk pony exclaimed, drawing my attention back to him. "Yeah, we get that a lot. Exclusively, in fact." I fixed him with a weary glare before shaking my head.

"Can we get a room? A clean one?" I asked. Sneaky moaned and beat my leg weakly, causing me to nod. "And unhaunted?" The desk pony perked up.

"Sure thing!" He reached over, grabbed a key from the wall, and slapped it on the counter before pointing at the funnels again. "In your room, you'll find a funnel like those which you can use to call us anytime for any concerns you might have!"

"Awesome," I muttered as I grabbed our key, before noticing a critical detail. "It's not labeled?" He blinked and gasped.

"Oh yeah! Security measure," he chuckled, turning to look at the rest of the keys. "That way if we ever get robbed again, the crook won't know which key goes where!"

He hummed and studied the wall as I removed my glasses and rubbed my eyes. "Got it! You're in number five!" He whirled around and tapped the counter. "You should be able to find it easy! Just follow the doors till you come to one with a feeling of looming dread!" I fixed him with another stare as he paused and rubbed his chin.

"Or was it 'smell like moldy bread?'" He hummed before shrugging. "I don't remember! Folks can be so panicky when they leave complaints." My glare remained strong before I shook my head and turned to collect Sneaky, who went limp as I scooped her up.

"Are we gonna die?" She murmured as I slung her gently on my shoulder.

"Nah, I think we're safe," I grumbled, following after Nettle who was already through the door. "Though, I think I preferred having Honeysuckle threatening to stab me to death."

"Oh, you folks been in mortal danger?" The counter pony asked. I stopped and turned to shrug at him.

"Yeah, more or less."

"Oh-hoh! I know the feeling," he chuckled with a shake of his head. "Let me tell you! Just yesterday? I had to clean the public bathroom." My lip twitched as I stared at him.

"You fucking with me?" I demanded. He smiled and laughed again.

"Yeah, you got me," he shook his head. "Of course I didn't clean that place. I'm not that bold." I felt an increasingly sour glare form.

"I feel like you're making light of the peril we're in."

"Ah, so you have seen the public bathroom?"

"We're heading to our room now."

"Go ahead! I won't stop you," he gasped and stamped on the counter. "Ah! And before you ask, that does not constitute an act of negligent bodily harm. Already checked."

Author's Note

So, the full list of spells Vic could be taking for anyone who missed it and cares and doesn't have the dnd 0 spell lists handy.

Protection from Evil
Detect Magic
Read Magic
Read Languages
Ventriloquism
Hold Portal
Light
Shield
Magic Missile
Charm Person
Sleep