The Conversion Bureau: Kangaroo Enforcement Mob

by Da Bunnana King

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Gilda, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Romance
Length: 3640

Kangaroos, Pony Steve Irwin, large flying chicken cats and a main character named Kevin. Oh my.

Kevin Sprinsteen is just an average Australian. He works a trade, is a man of fine tastes, well educated... Awww who am I kidding? Kevin is a crude, somewhat rude thief from the ass end of the world called Australia. After being fed up with his shitty job as a plumber, life throws him a curve ball to join the newly formed group of thieves only known as the Kangaroo Enforcement Mob. Join him on his adventures as they steal everything that isn't bolted down to the ground, both on Earth and the magical lands of Equestria. So pull up a seat and enjoy the craziness that is KEM.
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Cover art by Aegis

Published 2012-10-14 02:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-14 02:40:01 UTC

Chapter One: Just an average day in Australia

The Conversion Bureau: Kangaroo Enforcement Mob
By Da Bunnana King

Chapter One: Just another crazy day in Australia

= = = = =

Ever since Equestria had emerged, Australia took a black and white stance on the matter. One side opposed the Equestrians and fought back with all the resources they had. They ended up forming the Human Liberation Front or the HLF; they were mostly made up of ex-Australian Army grunts and backwards thinking rednecks that clung to the old Australian ideas of white superiority. Then there were the Equestrians themselves who wanted to spread their love of Equestria all over the dying continent. They never harmed anyone; except for ponies who were members of Ponification for Earth Rebirth’s. They were a new movement gaining a foothold ever since the main HLF Headquarters was ponified and then taken over.

But there was one last group that had emerged over the last years. No one cared about them though since it was a bunch of mad scientists attempting to play god with the standard ponification serum. They were Kangaroo Enforcement Mob, or KEM for short. They were more so a bunch of power-hungry crooks that had a PhD. They never did take sides but they leaned towards Princess Celestia’s side even though if all they wanted was money.

Then there's me, your average Australian; six foot tall, brown hair, green eyes and a thick Australian accent that was reminiscent from that old game called Team Fortress 2... In fact lot of people thought I was the Sniper’s voice actor.

I did debate ponifiying myself, but I kept on putting it off in favour of my dead end job as a plumber. I hated the job, crawling around in the old sewer tunnels underneath Brisbane. The stench wasn’t the worst part but it was the large mutated rats from the chemicals, radiation and the rouge nanobots that they dumped down the drain. I wanted out of that job so bad but the pay was good, but not good enough to keep me around, for today I was finally going to tell my boss that I wanted out.

= = = = =

I stood outside his fake wooden door that read ‘Gary Goldman’. He wasn’t a bad boss... wait who was I kidding. He was horrible; he gave me all the crap hours, shit pay, no air filters let alone a gas mask (which I had to pay for) and the uniform he gave me was terrible; it had massive holes in it for Pete's sake. So now it all came up to this, me quitting my job and starting anew in Equestria... well maybe.

I walked up to the doors and pushed them open and yelled at my boss, “I QUIT YA BLOODY WANKA!” but I was met with silence, “What the ‘ell mate? Where is that lazy drop kick?”

I continued to search around the room until I noticed on his desk a letter with my name on it.

“The bloody hell is this thing?” I questioned the inanimate object that lay on the table.

I picked up the letter, broke the sticky tape seal on it and began to read.

‘

‘Dear Kevin,

I went to a Bureau with the wife and kids and I’m closing down the business. But there’s one more job and when it’s done the money will be put in your account. So go to the manhole on 6ths and 3rd street and clear out the bank’s sewage system.

Sincerely,
John Goodman’

I stared at the letter in disbelief. Had my prayers become true? Had my boss finally stopped this crappy business and finally decided to give me a full day’s pay.

“This can’t be real,” I said in astonishment as I then realized that it was still a day’s worth of work that I had to do.

I sighed and walked out of the empty office into the even more empty building.

It was like a zombie apocalypse had hit the place... well not a zombie one but more like a pony apocalypse. Even to this day I could hear those crazy people yelling in the streets the ‘I told you so,’ and ‘See, you should've heed my word.’

Never the less I had lost a lot of friends to this so called “War of a hooven kind,” the HLF had ranted on about. It was a trivial matter to call it a war, heck it wasn’t even a war but a disagreement on beliefs. Never the less, I was swept up into it when the plumber's union sided with the HLF to get better pay and more time off. I liked the kickbacks, but it still felt wrong inside. I mean they were nice people, but the things they did... Urrg all those killings and such, whether it be an Equestrian or firebombing a bureau or street fights with the PER, it was always some act of violence.

“Bah! Why the bloody hell am I thinking about this stupidity? I’m getting paid!” I yelled aloud as I opened my bent metal locker that had my yellow hazmat suit and a full face gas mask; that had small hairline cracks and the seal on the valves were beginning to corrode. The suit itself was even showing holes in the yellow plastic.

“Gonna get me some grog tonight~” I began to sing as I slipped into the hazmat suit, “Then I’m going to trick out my Commodore with some mad mag wheels!~”

“Then I’m going to...” I nearly sang as I had no idea what else to get. My Holden Commodore was already in a state that I like with its new paint job, bigger V8 turbocharged engine and an epic sound system that rivalled the sounds of a jet taking off. It used to have four subwoofers but now it had eight.

Life was pretty good but I always did have that emptiness of not robbing people. Heck the only reason I was a plumber because after I got caught for robbing one of the big banks, it was a real good heist of course. Hiding in the rafters, then waiting for everyone to leave, came out and rob the place clean dry of anything that held value. Heck I even stole the pens at the counters, but my down fall was a lone security guard caught me. Never even saw the stun baton flying towards my face. The next thing I knew I was in a police office, being processed of jail.

“Sixteen years for robbery, and yet it feels like it was only six... oh wait that’s because I escaped,” I said as I forgot I was some sort of criminal mastermind the likes of Australia has never seen.

Three years I’ve been running and they still haven’t caught my. Never will as well, the Australian government collapsed so it descended into total anarchist nation. Then the HLF came along and patch things up... well mostly, I was able to operate in near on broad daylight but there wasn’t anything fun with that. Never was the same thrill as having guards, high-tech security, or the occasional squad of soldiers.

‘May as well get going,’ I thought to myself as I collected my tools and a crowbar to go and get the job done.

= = = = =

About an hour later I was above the manhole prying it open with a crowbar, while ponies humans and the odd diamond dog or griffin filed into the bank that was behind me.

“Excuse me sir, but can I ask what you’re doing?” asked a nervous earth pony in a dark blue uniform that bore the bank’s emblem.

“My job,” I grunted as I heaved with what felt like a half ton manhole cover.

“Are you sure, because you don’t seem to be fixing the toilets from the inside,” replied the earth pony as an official looking business man walked up behind the worried stallion.

“Don’t worry Blue Shield, I know Kevin very well. He knows what he’s doing. Isn’t that right Kevin?” questioned my former employer. I say former because he hired me to steal a lot of bank information along with cash to fund his bank scheme as well as his obsession for building a giant space cannon to destroy the ever so slowly expanding barrier.

“Yeah I know, now be quiet while I work my magic on this-” I said as I heaved a final time sending the grate flying four or five centimetres from the hole. “Grate...”

“Alright, well once you're done talk to me in my office for your pay check, and perhaps further employment,” he said as a wolfish grin appeared on his face.

“We’ll see,” I said as I jumped into the manhole and used the latter to decelerate my speed.

“GOOD LUCK!” called the earthpony as the manhole was placed back on top.
I sighed and then pulled my gas mask down onto my face. I then tightened the plastic straps on the mask and then gave the filter a quick twist, making sure it was on and sealed.

= = = = =

I continued down the rank smelling tunnel as rats and the odd dropping floated past me in the torrent of content excrement that I had to wade through in order to get to the clogged pipe.

“Bloody guard and boss person,” I crackly grumbled as I continued trudging through the crap infested tunnels. I began to notice the air turned worse and the torrent of sewage turned into a gentle knee high river of it.

“Must be getting close,” I said out loud as I could see a pipe that had something sticking out of it, making the sewage trickle out.

“Alright let’s see what we have here,” I said as I walked up to the pipe and turned on my head lamp that lit up the room like a road flare was lit in the small cramped tunnel. I took out a wrench and a hammer.

I placed the wrench on the pipe and tighten it up. I began to turn the pipe until I couldn't anymore, then I used the hammer to make the pipe twist until it came off, causing a constant stream of sewage to erupt from the tiny pipe.

I was able to dodge it but the smell still hit me.

“Bloody hell...” I said as I looked at the pipe that had the blockage, “Let’s see what we've got here.”

I began to shake out any remain liquid that had been lodged in there, as the remainders of the liquid came out along with a thin black cord.

“What are these people flushing down their toilets?” I asked myself as I began to tug on the cord. It was stuck in there something fierce, as I used all my strength to pull it out.

“Put it back, if you know what’s good for you,” said a threatening female voice from behind me as well of the distinct sound of a gun being cocked.

I did as the voice said and reattached the pipe. I then slowly stepped away and shifted my legs into the perfect position for a roundhouse kick.

“KARATE!” I yelled as I jumped up and twisted around with my leg extended to land a blow on whom ever was behind me.

I felt my foot hit something and the next thing I knew I was on the ground with a large foot on my chest.

“Wrong move, now I suggest you come with us if you want to live,” said a... well a kangaroo. I could tell it was a female as she had a pouch and her voice sounded feminine. She had a light brown coat of fur that seemed to be covered with dust.

“What the bloody hell,” I said as she pointed a Thompson sub machine gun at me.

“Now get up and help Deadlock with the bags,” she ordered as she pushed me in the general direction of a onyx pegasus with a burn orange mohawk of a mane.

“Sup,” he said as he flung a large back containing something heavy, “If I were you, I wouldn't drop that.”

“Why? It’s not going to explode in my hands... is it?” I asked as I peeked into the bag to see more pipe bombs.

“It depends how careful you are,” he wolfish grinned.

“Alright do you remember the plan Lock?” asked the kangaroo as she pulled out a lighter from her poach.

“Yes, yes. You've told me a million times, but you never said who was going to drive the car to escape,” he replied.

“Well we just found him,” she said as the lighter created a large jet of flames, “Fire in the hole.”

The short fuse was lit which quickly disappeared into the pipe as we all ran away from the explosive.

I heard a large explosion and felt the whole tunnel shake. Bits of mortar and sand fell as well as some of the bricks that held the ceiling came loose.

“Alright we’re on the clock,” she said as she handed the sub machine gun to me, “Run into the lobby, fire some rounds into the air and tell everyone to get on the ground. I’ll take it from there.”

I nodded and began to walk towards the newly formed hole in the ground as I saw the kangaroo bounce past me with another Thompson.

I began to slowly creep away but I was swept off my feet by the pegasus and was flown through the hole and straight into the main lobby of the bank.

“Here we go,” he said as he dropped me on the ground.

I stumbled a bit but I was able to stand up with the gun in hand. Everyone in the building was staring at me, including a diamond dog that had just pull out a machine gun like mine from a long trench coat.

Remembering I was being watch by not only the pegasus but I heard the kangaroo kick in the door from the toilet block.

“ALRIGHT! NOBODY MOVE!” I yelled and squeezed the trigger a bit. Bullets were sent flying into the air hitting the roof, making everyone get on the ground.

“YOU HEARD THE MAN! THIS IS A RAID! SO NO ONE MOVE AND YOU’LL BE JUST FINE!” she yelled as she motioned for the diamond dog to come over to us.

“Alright, Rex go to the back with Deadlock and open the safe. I’ll go to the manager’s office to get the stuff we came for,” she said as she hopped off towards the back rooms of the office.

“You heard her Rex, let’s do this,” he said as the dog nodded and went off to the back rooms as well, leaving me there.

I was left there, just holding the submachine gun they had given me. I was shocked to be honest; in all my time of being a thief I had never done a robbery like this. It was a terrible scene, mothers clutching their children for dear life. Grown men cowering in fear, and the ponies, oh dear lord it broke my heart. They just curled up into a ball and cowered, truly fearing the end was approaching.

‘ Whomever these people are have no class or skill when it comes to the skill of thievery,’ I thought to myself as I had a closer inspection of their plan.

Have an unknown civilian standout guard for the cops and watch over the hostages while having the safe cracker and the muscles of the operation leave the hostages, then have the brains of the operation run off.

“OPEN UP! THIS IS THE HUMAN LIBERATION FORCE’S POLICE! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP AND NO ONE WILL GET HURT!” yelled a man over a loudspeaker before another voice flooded through the PA system.

“Alright, I have the key. Now get back to the exfil point with the stuff as we leave the HLF and the PER to fight it out,” said the kangaroo over the scratchy speakers in the room.

“THERE ARE NO PER HERE!” yelled the man back over the megaphone.

“NEVER FEAR, WE ARE THE PONIFICATION FOR EARTH’S REBIRTH’S FREEDOM SQUAD AND WE ARE HERE TO SAVE YOU!” boomed a loud voice.

“Right on time,” said Lock as he carried two large bags of money as the diamond dog carry a massive sack with various bags of money.

"OH LORD! QUICKLY GET THE RIFLES OUT ITS THOSE PONY FAGS!" yelled the human over the megaphone as some shots were heard.

“Sorry!” yelled a voice from the outside, “My bad!”

“Gosh darn it that nearly hit me!” yelled another voice as the sound of hooves hitting the asphalt road outside.

“OH NO! QUICKLY GET THE MEDIC! SOMEPONIES HURT!” yelled the man outside on the megaphone.

Being curious, I slowly ventured towards the large window and peeked out of it to a scene that made my jaw drop towards the floors below me.

Outside were both HLF and PER taking care of each other and laughing. I saw one small group of HLF Infiltrators and one of the higher ranking guards of the PER laughing and slapping each other in the back as if a funny joke was told. Not to mention a member of the HLF making out with a stallion from the PER. He almost looked like that Grey Crusade stallion, but it was hard to tell as the male HLF soldier was sticking his tongue down the stallion’s throat.

“Bloody ‘ell,” I swore under my breath as I felt a paw pull me away from the window.

“Come on greenhorn, were leaving,” the roo said as she pulled me toward the stairs.

“What the bloody hell happened out there?” I questioned her as the diamond dog covered us as we made an exit to the underground car park.

“That would be Gilda, our eyes in the sky,” she smug fully said as she pulled out a pair of keys from her pouch.

“Come on you’re driving the van,” she added as the keys flew towards my hand. Being the somewhat uncoordinated man I was in a gasmask that distorted my vision worse than shit on a windshield, I was able to catch them in both hands as the Tommy gun hit the floor.

“Hey, careful with that,” said the pegasus as he caught it in an up gust of wind, which allowed his diamond dog partner to catch it. "That gun is older and probably more reliable than you."

I chose to ignore that comment as we approached a large white van with dark tinted windows, to hide whoever occupied it. For all I knew, a six foot crustacean from the Palaeolithic era could be in there asking for the money we stole.

Knowing I was more capable of the small group of animals that I was to be the designated driver this afternoon.

I slid over the short bonnet to the driver’s side. From there I opened un the door and place in the keys in the ignition. I both felt and heard the sliding doors close, I looked back to see the both the diamond dog and the Pegasus hanging on to the seat belts as the roo (literally) hopped into the seat next to me.

“Now drive,” she demanded. I nodded in acknowledgement and put the pedal to the metal and hit nearly a hundred kilometres per hour in that small underground parking lot.
Sirens began to blare and small ramps began to rise from the ground and the car park security door began to slowly lower.

“HOLY CRAB APPLES! FLOOR IT MASKED BANDIT!” Yelled Deadlock as I swear I heard the Indiana Jones theme song emanate from the Diamond Dogs mouth.
I did as I was told and gunned for the slowly lower metal door.

“Must. Go. FASTER!” I yelled as I could see the door nearly closed.

“HOLD ON TO YOUR GRAPES PEOPLE! WE’RE GOING TO HIT IT NOW!” I yelled as the two ton van collided with the thin metal security fence.

It was like a movie’s action scene, the car rocketed through metal grate, separating the bolts and rivets from the reinforced rods that created the door. It sent the rods flying in every direction as the car pulverized the screws that were through the door. Everything just slowed to a near stop as the destruction of the door unfolded before my eye.

“Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudddddddeeeeeee,” slowly said the pegasus as the adrenaline hit me and the world resumed at its normal high octane speed.

“LEFT TURN HERE!” shouted the roo as I took a sharp left hand turn.

“NOW RIG-“ she began to yell.

“STOP YELLING AND TELL ME WHERE TO GO!” I yelled back at her as she someone hit me from the back of the head.

“Treat the lady with some respect now, head towards the old spillway and then take a right at the old power plant and into the old farmhouse,” said the pegasus as the diamond dog lowered his paw.

“Right… ya bloody show ponies,” I said as I to the windshield as I turned onto the old M1 highway.

“What was that?” asked Deadlock as his friend raised his paw again.

“Just another day in Australia,” I sarcastically said as I drove into the sunset with a talking kangaroo, a diamond dog and a flying talking horse.

“Yep just another average day.”

= = = = =

Author’s notes: And thus begun a great and funny idea in the hand of a bad author... errr... well it’s been in the works for ages but Midnight Shadow made me do it.