autophobia

by TrackdNTraild

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad
Length: 3866

Autophobia, also known as monophobia, is the morbid fear of being left alone or abandoned. It has been Luna's nightmare for thousands of years now.

Since Princess Luna returned to Equestria, she has been fighting like hell to fit in where she can. Despite her best efforts, and the encouragement of her newfound friends, Luna can't help but feel like she's... alone. Left out. Left... behind...

In this moment of darkness, in this moment of fearing the repeating of history, she turns to her dear sister for comfort and advice.

Story takes place shortly after Luna Eclipsed.

Published 2024-05-28 07:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-05-28 07:10:01 UTC

lulu and tia

Author's Note

Been rewatching the show again. Wanted to make a little something after watching Luna Eclipsed. I miss their relationship dynamic. Hope you all enjoy this!

lulu and tia

Today is a day that is considered the norm within Canterlot. A brief moment of freedom for her duties leaves Celestia by herself in her room. The door to the balcony is open, and the breeze of the sunset air makes the room a comfortable cold. Celestia has already rested her royal regalia atop and within her nightstand, and her plated shoes are tucked away under the blanket's edge. Even though night is beginning to fall, with her duties not yet complete, Celestia has made herself comfortable. Despite this comfort, she still finds herself swamped with work.

She mutters something as her quill cascades across the scroll on the floor before her. She can feel her eyes getting heavy, and her mind is cloudy as fatigue is finally beginning to set in. But her work is not yet done; she dare not fall asleep now. No matter how comfortable the cold, no matter the freedom of being without her royal wear.

She's jolted awake as a knock sounds at her door. She turns her head, magic flickering out as her quill settles on the carpet, and the door opens. A deep blue pony steps through the door, ears drooping and eyes heavy with a tiredness Celestia can't place as the pony being sleepy.

"Celes-- err, um... T-Tia?" Luna stutters as she enters the room. Her voice is quiet, a rarity that Celestia had only heard very few times.

"Luna," Celestia says, pulling herself to her hooves with worry in her eyes. "Sister, are you alright? You look tired..."

"I want to talk to you about something," Luna says.

Luna shuts the door with her magic, stepping away before her tail has the opportunity to get caught in it. She clears her throat, hardening her gaze in an effort to appear more put together. However, her facade quickly breaks as her head hangs. Celestia hesitates before she steps forward, keeping her head high. It's clear that Luna needs her, and she needs to be a big sister in this moment. She stares down at Luna, who gazes up at her without lifting her head from its position.

"Then we can talk," Celestia speaks gently, raising a hoof and placing it upon Luna's shoulder. "Come, we can sit by the fireplace."

Luna says nothing, offering only the faintest inkling of a nod in response. Celestia pulls her hoof away, and turns toward the center of the room. She walks to the fireplace, and the delicate hoofsteps behind her are her only indication that Luna is following, though the steps are somewhat delayed. Luna is distracted, and Celestia is lucky in that she recognizes this behaviour from a thousand years ago. She plants herself before the fireplace. Luna hesitates, as if trying to decide where she wishes to sit. She eventually decides to sit on the opposite side of the fireplace, eyes glued to the floor.

"You can tell me anything, my sister," Celestia says, a gentle reminder, one that she has said many times.

"I know," Luna mumbles, drawing circles in the carpet with a hoof. "It is just... finding the correct words is difficult."

"You can take your time, you do not have to rush." Celestia nods slowly.

Luna's eyes flitter upwards, briefly meeting with Celestia's. As quickly as their eyes met, Luna's eyes darted to the side. Her head turned, lips pressed hard together, the corners quivering as they tilted downwards. She took a deep, shaky breath, eyes closing tightly. She turned her head back in Celestia's direction after a moment passed, and opened her eyes.

"Tia... h-have you ever felt like you were all alone?" Luna stutters, lifting her head.

Celestia blinks. It's a sudden question, but it is not a topic she is unfamiliar with. She raised a hoof, eyes idly moving about and focusing on nothing in particular but the thoughts in her head.

"I have... only sometimes," Celestia admits. "It is a lonely life within this castle. I very rarely have the time to discuss with others for little more than business. It does feel quite... isolating."

"That's not what I mean," Luna mutters, pressing her hooves into the floor and letting her head hang once again. "I-I mean... I mean it with... 'friends'. Ponies that you get along with, that you like. D-do you ever feel that, even when you are with them... you are completely by yourself?"

Celestia's ears perked and eyes opened just slightly wider. She blinks slowly, gaze lowering further and further to the floor with each blink. She could not truly say for certain whether or not this was a feeling she had experienced before. Celestia was not a pony who was known for making a lot of friends, or doing little more than the duties she had taken on at such a young age. Her duties were her life, leaving little room for anything more than her given tasks. Truly, she couldn't say with confidence if she had any friends at all.

"I'm... not sure," she said finally. Luna flinched at her response. Celestia shook her head, focusing her attention on Luna again. "Dear sister, what brought this on?"

"It may sound silly to you," Luna laughs half-heartedly.

"Nonsense." Celestia hardened her gaze. "You would not be bringing this up so personally if it was a 'silly' subject."

Luna mumbled something as she drew a hoof along the carpet. She adjusted her sitting position, wings fluttering uncomfortably against her back. She shuddered from the cold wind blowing from the outside. Her gaze met with the fading light of sunset through the open balcony doors. Celestia followed her gaze for a moment. Her horn then ignited, closing the balcony doors and shutting out the cold night air. She scooted just slightly forward, lowering her head to meet Luna's gaze directly.

"Talk to me, sister," Celestia pressed gently. "What is on your mind?"

A teary gloss waved over Luna's eyes, her pupils pulsing with emotion. She shut her eyes tight, rubbing at them with a hoof as if attempting to force back the tears that were beginning to form beneath her eyelids. She took a second to compose herself, lest the tears fall from her eyes. She blinked her eyes open, attempting to hold back these overflowing feelings as she continued speaking.

"Recently, I went to visit the little village you call PonyVille," Luna began. "They were... having this celebration. But, no matter what I did, it seemed like all that I was good at was frightening the surrounding ponies."

"Twilight Sparkle wrote me a letter about this event," Celestia mused. "I was quite surprised. You have been gone for some time but... I did not expect things to turn the way that they did."

"Neither did I," Luna sighed. "I did not think they would go so horribly. I was very... emotional. I am very emotional, Tia. I am not used to feeling this feelings and reacting in these strange, unorthodox ways."

"But you had fun with the ponies in PonyVille, did you not?" Celestia questioned with a tilt of her head.

"Fun..." Luna mumbled, voice trailing off as she stared at her hooves. "In the moment, yes, but I began to think about things in further detail when I returned to Canterlot. Not every pony was quick to accept the message and the lesson as Twilight Sparkle had written it. At least, that is what I have lead myself to believe..."

Celestia's attention drifted to that final sentence. That Luna had only conditioned herself to think that she was not completely accepted. Celestia did recognize this feeling at the very least. She was no stranger to feeling that not all of the eyes cast in her direction held positive feelings within them. She was very rarely proven to be correct about these thoughts, and most of the time, she simply cast them away without further thought. But Luna... Luna had always been anxious, ever since she was a little filly.

Luna had always been afraid of the ponies around her, of herself, of what she could do. She had always been afraid of large crowds, being the center of attention. She couldn't stop herself from feeling like she was one hoofstep away from breaking down or doing something wrong. Even as they grew into adults, Luna had even refused to sleep in a room apart from Celestia, too afraid of being by herself. Celestia had thought this was something Luna would have grown out of in the recent years... although.

Celestia flinched, gaze darting to the side. Perhaps she had played a part in this turn of events... Banishing Luna to the moon meant leaving her completely by herself. She could not simply return to Equestria, to sleep in the same room or the same bed as her sister, just as they did when they were fillies. When Celestia had wrapped Luna up in her wings, promising to protect her and keep her company, to scare away the nightmares that plagued her mind and distorted her thinking. Banishing Nightmare Moon... must've only made that feeling worse.

And the unwelcome reception from PonyVille upon her return did put a damper in the good name that they were trying to carry forth for her. A pony no longer made of nightmares, no longer eclipsing the sun of the Princess of the Day. Unfortunately, her reputation followed her everywhere she went, and not every pony was so wiling to forgive or forget. Celestia had not forgotten, but it was only so that she could remember the signs. She held no ill will toward her sister... but that would not stop her thoughts from dragging her elsewhere.

"They all claim that they have welcomed me, that they acknowledge I am not the pony that I once was," Luna continued, crossing her hooves over her chest and curling in on herself. "Even then, I often swear that I see the eyes of hatred burning holes into my coat, turning blue to black and stabbing through my very soul. I have begun to isolate myself within my room, to focus on the duties that I have taken up since I returned... but it is so horribly lonely."

"Oh dear sister..." Celestia shook her head, worry befalling her warm gaze.

"I do not know how to curb this loneliness," Luna said, her voice cracking. "I want to chase away these repulsive thoughts. To fully accept the chance that I have been given to redeem myself. To prove that Nightmare Moon lives only within dreams and not reality in this era of Equestria's history. But I... I have never been good at thinking positively..."

"It is unfortunate that I agree with that statement," Celestia mumbled. "Your realism often verges on the edge of pessimism, and since you have returned... I have both seen and felt the aura of guilt that shrouds you, dear sister. If I can sense it, I know that other ponies can as well."

"Then why do they run still?" Luna questioned, tears welling in her eyes.

"They are not," Celestia said with a nod, her voice soft. She extended a wing to Luna, who flinched back as she did so. "The ponies living now were not around in the eras that plague your mind. What they do know is little more than stories passed on through the generations, stories that have been dramatized the further they spread from family to family. They are not running from you, they are running from what they were told that you were. It is not what you are."

Luna said nothing, glancing at Celestia's wing, and then once more finding her gaze falling flat on the ground. Celestia sighed, folding her wing back against her back. She had struggled with this task many times before. Luna was not so easy of a pony to convince when things were the opposite way. Her fears never left her mind, and they flooded her senses at every given opportunity. Celestia had unconsciously adopted some of Luna's anxious behaviours, and she wanted to believe that helped her understand her better. But, she could never fully say that anypony knew Luna better than she knew herself.

Celestia would still like to try to, however.

She raises to her hooves and steps over the carpet. She settles beside Luna, startling the mare when she wraps a wing around her. Luna stares up at her with wide eyes, irises glistening as tears soaked her eyes and made them shine. Celestia looks down at Luna with sympathy in her gaze, and love in her pupils. She rests her chin atop the mare's head, pulling her in close as she shuts her eyes.

"My dear sister, you know yourself well enough to understand when the thoughts in your mind are of genuine fact, or fear that you have not yet let go of," Celestia begins, placing a hoof over one of Luna's. "The ponies of Equestria are learning that this is a new era, an era of peace and harmony that any creature, pony or otherwise, may partake in. It is a slow process, and it will be difficult to fully embrace what good things are coming, but they are not false promises of something better."

Celestia pulled her head back, staring down at Luna. Luna's eyes did not fall from Celestia's, and the tears welling in her eyes began to roll down her cheeks. Luna had been holding back this whole time. Celestia was happy to see that she was letting her walls down in her presence again. It would not fill her with joy and warmth to see Luna cry, however she knew that the mare needed to let her feelings out at some point. Celestia had learned to do so herself, even when she was by herself. She was willing to be the shoulder Luna could cry on now.

"Luna, it is difficult to combat the feeling of being alone," Celestia continues. "When you were banished, I felt nothing but regret... that I could not help you, and that I had left you all alone because I could do no more. I was horribly alone, allowing my feelings to fester without ever attempting to improve them. I could not go on living the way that I used to without my dear sister by my side. Your return has brought nothing but joy to me, and neither of us are alone now. I do not ever wish to do what I had done again; I can prevent it from happening, just as I should have a thousand years ago."

That was the crux of this conversation then. It was that Luna still tightly gripped onto the feeling of being Nightmare Moon, a feeling that more ponies than just her seemed to share. Celestia violently refused to believe that this creature of darkness and her darling little sister were the same pony, not since Twilight Sparkle made her friends and united with the Elements of Harmony. Luna was isolating herself from others for things of the past, and other ponies were pushing her back for events they had not been alive to witness in the ways that Celestia herself did.

But not even Celestia felt as lonely as Luna did upon the moon. That was a feeling she could never understand. Luna turned her gaze away from Celestia, choking back tears and sobs. She was well aware that Celestia could not fully understand her and all that she had been through before her return. Still, the elder sister was trying, if only to prove that she still loved her after all this time.

"You do have friends in PonyVille," Celestia reminded the mare. "Genuine friends. Twilight Sparkle and her companions are not liars, and I have full faith that they would never cast you out for the pony that once took a thousand years from you."

"But what if the ponies are right to cast me out?" Luna stuttered, taking shaky breaths. "How will I ever forgive myself for allowing Nightmare Moon to re-emerge, to infect me, to lay waste to the castle you have built, and the lives which you have brought harmony to all this time?"

"That will not happen," Celestia said firmly. "The Elements are with ponies who can utilize their powers to the fullest extent, who can stop you if something happens. But they will not need to do that, because you recognize what has happened cannot repeat. You are against it reocurring to an extreme, and that shows that you are not who you once were. You will not allow that mare back into your life. You are a strong pony, my dear sister. You know deep down that you will not fall again."

"Do I?" Luna sobbed, resting her head against Celestia's chest, and unfurling her wings behind her back.

"You do," Celestia said, nuzzling the mare's forehead. "Your emotions are quite high at this moment. It is natural to think that things may only get worse before they get better. You will calm down, and you will regain the logical thinking that I know you have. You will be able to tell yourself with full confidence that the past will not return, and while it has shaped you, it has shaped you for the better."

Luna whimpered, raising a wing to dab the tears from her eyes and cheeks. Her damp feathers brushed against Celestia as they folded back onto her back. Celestia said nothing for a few moments, before she lifted her hooves and wrapped them around the younger and smaller mare. Luna froze, breath hitching in her throat. Few seconds passed before her body began to shaky, hooves tightly gripping onto Celestia as she finally gave herself the freedom to sob. All the energy left her body as sobs wracked her thin figure. Celestia only held her tighter, reassuring her that she was there, and she would stay there.

Luna had come to Celestia, and she was going to be there for her. She hummed gently as her sister cried, rubbing circles in her back with her hooves. She shut her eyes tight every so often if only to keep herself from crying as well.

As Luna's sobs began to cease, the flow of tears rolling through Celestia's coat and over her skin began to slow as well. Her shoulder was soaked, but she cared not. Shakily, Luna pulled away from her, wiping her face with her wings as her makeup smudged and her cheeks burned hot with emotion.

"Tia... You promise that you will not leave me again?" Luna asked as she lifted her head.

"I do promise," Celestia said. "I should have helped you when I noticed the signs earlier, and I will never forgive myself for it. But I will never leave you in a place where I cannot find you ever again. I swear on my own name, I will stay by your side no matter what comes between us."

Luna hugged Celestia tightly as the elder mare finished speaking. Her body was still shaking, but she did not sob even as silent tears slipped down her face once more.

"I love you, Tia."

"I love you, Lulu."

"...I must set the moon still; it is far too late for the sun to still be up," Luna mumbled, voice still cracking occasionally.

"Then let us finish our duties together, sister," Celestia said as she pulled herself to her hooves.

Luna smiled as Celestia assisted her in standing up. Celestia smiled back at her, and nodded. Her wings spread as she walked to the balcony doors, opening them once more. The cool night air made Luna's cheeks especially cold, the dampness of the tears still persisting no matter how she tried to scrub them away. Celestia's horn glistened brightly as her magic linked with the sun. Slowly, as she lowered her head, the sun set beyond the horizon, and the land was bathed in darkness.

The moment her horn ceased glowing, Luna's own lit up. A brilliant purple flooded the sky as thousands of sparkling dots faded into existence and twinkled amongst the shade. Luna dipped her head, and then slowly began to raise it. The moon climbed higher in the sky as she moved her head. When the crescent moon hovered in the sky, blanketing the land in its brilliant white glow, Luna's horn fizzled out. She stared up at Celestia in silence, and Celestia only smiled back at her. She nodded, and turned to walk back into her room.

"T-Tia, might I request something?" Luna stuttered as she followed the elder mare.

"What is it?" Celestia asked, turning back to her sister.

"I...I-I do not want to be alone tonight," Luna admitted, dragging her hoof on the group sheepishly. "Would you mind if... I slept in your room?"

"Heh," Celestia chuckled lightly. "I have not heard you make such a request for a thousand years."

"D-Do not tease me, sister..." Luna spoke with a pout, cheeks brightening with an embarrassed flush.

"I'm not, I'm simply feeling nostalgic," Celestia hummed happily. "But, I do not mind, sister. There is plenty of space for you, as you are well aware. Come, let us get comfortable."

Celestia, naturally, was the first to climb into the large bed as Luna readied herself for sleep. Her collection of regalila was neatly stacked together on the opposite side of the bed. Even as she crawled under the blankets, she was still attempting to clear tears from her cheeks and her eyes. It did not take long for her to quit fussing with it, and make herself comfortable. The sisters lay with their backs to eachother, but it did not make them feel any less warm.

"It has been quite some time since we've done this," Luna mused. "I was only a few hundred years old when I finally stopped..."

"I remember that," Celestia laughed as she pulled up the blanket on her end. "I also remember a certain somepony stealing all of the blankets in the night and getting so wrapped up that her big sister had to free her from them."

"Y-You say it as though you expect such an embarrassing event to happen again," Luna whined, lightly hitting Celestia with one of her wings.

"I'm only reminiscing," Celestia laughed once more.

"Hmph," Luna snorted, curling in on herself as she attempted to burrow under the blankets. "Good night, sister." She grumbled, both embarrassed and annoyed.

Celestia could not help but be amused at Luna's display. She really had not changed very much, even after all this time... She was still the same Lulu that Celestia had known a thousand years ago, and the hundreds of years prior. Celestia sighed happily as she rested her head against the pillow, surrounding herself in her own wings like a secondary blanket. She shut her eyes slowly, a content smile stretching upon her snout.

"Good night, Lulu. May you sleep, rather than dream."