On Pins and Needles

by Mr. Grimm

Rating: everyone
Tags: Other, Trixie, Comedy, Random, Crossover, Main 6, Discord, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4449

Discord sends the Pincushion Man to wreak havoc across Ponyville.

In an event so strange that it could only have occurred during Discord's reign of Ponyville, an alien being has come to Equestria. This ill-tempered creature is known as the Pincushion Man, and he's every bit as villainous as Discord. What manner of trouble shall come of these two monsters meeting? Only the worst kind.

Published 2012-10-10 12:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-02 19:34:05 UTC

The Old Pincushion Man

“Too easy,” Discord smirked as the pink pony trotted away, grumbling darkly to herself. The Draconequus-turned-balloon turned around and smiled at the site of the demoralizing garden party, his mismatched eyes twinkling as he eyed up the countless balloons hovering about. Some smiled stupidly out at the world with painted faces. The greenish blue balloon snapped fingers he didn’t have, returning him once more to his draconian chimera form.

“Now then,” he said with an evil smile, rubbing his talon and paw together, “Let’s move on to Little Miss Generosity.” The Spirit of Chaos was about to disappear to another location when he froze. His eyes widened as there was a tremendous crash behind him, one that shook all four corners of the labyrinth. Discord was about to turn around when another crash sounded off, followed by another and another in rapid succession. Each one grew quieter and softer, until they ceased altogether. Discord finally whirled around, and raised a fluffy white eyebrow at what he saw.

Only a few yards behind him, an ugly crater of considerable size had been hammered into the pleasant greenery. Trails of faint smoke trailed out from the pit, and there was the stench of burning tires in the air. Curious, Discord hovered over to its edge and peered down into the scorched earth. It took him a minute before he saw the object that had crashed, as it had burnt the surrounding dirt to match its black, crusty surface. The Draconequus’s nose wrinkled. The smell of melting rubber was far stronger here, and even the Avatar of Disharmony thought it horrid. All the same, he stretched his neck into the crater to get a better look at the alien object.

Two short lines of thin, needle-like spikes suddenly forced themselves out from within the circular orb of smoldering rubber, puncturing the fragile crust. Discord drew away as they nearly jabbed into his snout. They bent in half, hooking onto the surface. There was a loud tearing noise as the lines of needles pulled away from each other, and a broad crevice began to form in the ball, letting out more arid smoke. Though he couldn’t see it in great detail, Discord saw movement from within the object, something that was breaking free of the crumbling interior. The Draconequus backed out of the crater in surprise, letting out a confused gasp as a deep, threatening chuckle sounded off from the darkness.

While most beings would have run away or remained frozen with fear, Discord merely took a step back from the crater and waited. Always one for new and strange experiences, Discord stood awaiting the emergence of the extraterrestrial with an amused smile. The ponies could wait. He simply had to see what kind of weird, otherworldly creature crawled out of the hole, and find out if it could be annoyed. Perhaps it would even be unfriendly, and could be used against the Elements.

The Draconequus’s eyes twinkled with glee as a strange, metallic claw grasped the edge of the hole. It wasn’t mechanical, as a robot would be, but was simply made of metal, its digits thin and pointed like needles. The claw was followed by another claw, and these were followed by a pair of thin arms that appeared to be made of wire. Discord’s smile began to falter as the growling creature heaved itself out of the ground.

Its body resembled--no, it was-- an enormous safety pin. Around what Discord considered its ‘waist’ was a red cushion that bristled with pins, needles, and tacks of all manner and sizes. It stood on a pair of long, wiry legs, the feet ending in curled points. Dangling from the pin that formed its spine was a pair of lengthy arms, the sharp fingers twitching apprehensively. The creature’s head was the clip of the safety pin, and it peered out at the world with two menacing eyes. Its mouth was placed behind the front needle of the pin, and its evil grin faced downwards. Perched upon the very top of this creature was a small thimble, which appeared to act as some kind of hat.

Discord had seen and done many strange and impossible things in his existence, so most things rarely fazed him. However, as he gazed upon this being, all he could do was float in midair with a raised eyebrow, his face contorted in an expression of confusion.

“Da Buq?” he muttered as he stared at the metal monster. The creature looked up at the Draconequus, and for a moment, his eyes widened. They quickly narrowed again as he spoke in his deep, intimidating voice.

“What the?” he grunted, taking a step toward the demigod.

“My thoughts exactly,” murmured Discord as he floated around the peculiar pin-creature. The chimera suddenly reached out with his eagle’s talon and snatched away a pin from the creature’s cushion. The metal man’s brow furrowed as he snarled indignantly, pulling the pin out of the Draconequus’s grasp.

“Ow!” cried the Spirit of Chaos as the pincushion creature’s fingers pricked him. He shot back a glare as he soared up into the air above him.

“Alright, porcupine,” he snorted, “Just who do you think you are?” The chaotic being was suddenly forced to dodge as a pin went darting past his head, nearly piercing his ear. Shocked at such impudence against him, Discord fumed down at the creature, who in turn seemed extremely furious.

“Who am I?” roared the giant pin, “Who am I?” Discord’s look of anger faded somewhat as the creature began to speak in sing-song. This was not because he found the sing-song unnerving, but because the creature was throwing pins in rhythm as he spoke.

“I’m the old Pincushion Man! Terror of Balloony-Land!

Folks all hate me! (How they hate me!)

Tickles me the way they rate me!

Always have a pin at hand! That’s the reason I am panned!

How I stop ’em, when I pop ’em!

HA! HA! HA! HA!”

Discord quickly made himself incorporeal as the creature sent a barrage of pins in his direction, each one soaring like a dart with pinpoint accuracy. Most of them went flying into the balloons that floated about the clearing, and for a moment the labyrinth sounded as if it were under siege by a platoon of sub-machine-gun toting soldiers with itchy trigger-hooves. The unpleasant noise immediately ceased as the Pincushion Man realized they did no damage to the Draconequus. His oddly placed mouth grimaced in rage.

“Come on down from there!” he roared at the smug demigod, “I’ll get mad in a minute!”

“I don’t think I will,” Discord replied, sticking out his forked tongue at the enraged safety-pin. This only served to anger the creature more, and he raked his metal claws through a cluster of balloon, tearing their rubber skins and bursting each one. Discord watched as the Pincushion Man proceeded to go on a rampage across the clearing, popping balloons left and right. Slowly his rage turned into a wicked glee as his pins flew through the air, and his thunderous cackle soon filled the maze. It seemed he had forgotten about Discord entirely, and appeared to be lost in some kind of balloon-popping frenzy. The sheer amount of hilarity he found in their destruction was mildly disturbing to the Draconequus. The chimera kept waiting for the guffawing creature to run out of pins, but it were as if two grew in place for every one he threw.

There was one last pop, and then silence. Colorful scraps of rubber lay strewn across the neatly manicured grass, like the remains of a savage massacre. In the center of it all stood the Pincushion Man, laughing manically. He bent over and slapped his knee with a metallic ring, as if he had been told a profoundly hilarious joke. It was now just occurring to Discord that this creature may have posed a threat to the general well-being of Equestria. However, being the very embodiment of all disarray and confusion, Discord thought that this was a glorious thing. The look of slight conceit melted away from his muzzle as he cleared his throat.

“Excuse me,” he said, “Mr. Pincushion--”

“Pincushion Man!” snapped the prickly being, throwing a pin that would have struck Discord right between the eyes had he been material. The Draconequus paused momentarily, then continued.

“Pardon me, Pincushion Man,” he rephrased, “But I can’t help but notice you enjoy popping balloons.”

“Enjoy?!” echoed the metal monstrosity as he donned a sinister grin, “I love poppin’ balloons! I live for it!” He cackled as he pulled a particularly long needle out of his cushion and tapped its sharp tip with equally sharp claws.

“Well…” Discord said as he tapped his own claws together, his mouth in a smile of devious thought.

A Prickly Problem

Trixie had not been having a good day. There were many reasons for this, as any day was rarely considered good by her impossible standards, but this one had been going particularly awfully. First, she had returned to find Ponyville in a state of utter chaos. This was bad enough, but Trixie had found it unsettling for less obvious reasons. She had intended to best Twilight Sparkle in another magic competition upon her arrival, and the purple librarian was nowhere to be found.

At the moment, the unicorn was passing by a gigantic house of cards, surrounded by a ring of spinning tops that orbited it in a planetary fashion. She had been wandering through the chaos for so long that not even this demonstration of absurdity fazed her. She merely regarded it with an annoyed scowl.

“Stupid nonsense,” she grunted as she kicked a rock from her path. The stone quickly transformed into an egg, which then hatched into crab that waved its pinchers threateningly at the unicorn. Trixie huffed, and trotted past the minuscule creature without even acknowledging its existence. There were larger, stranger things about that were currently absorbing her attention, which irritated her to no end because they would not allow her to focus on her favorite thing in the world: Herself.

The azure unicorn suddenly jumped as the sky was filled with bright flashes, each one accompanied by chiming pings. They seemed to crackle and fizzle, as if they were fireworks. It was all over in a moment, and when Trixie opened her eyes she saw that the streets were filled with the largest congregation of balloons the mare had ever seen. Every color, every shape and size imaginable. They hovered about, never drifting higher than the buildings they floated around.

The magician felt as if she had suddenly walked in on a birthday party epic proportions. This thought only stirred more annoyance in her. Since her recent fall from stardom, she had been reduced to performing as such events, and found the guests, (mainly foals) to be unbearable, loudmouthed brats who had about as much respect for her as she had for everypony else.

Somewhere on the edge of town, Ditzy “Derpy Hooves” Doo was happily waving a bubble wand back and forth over her head, producing a multitude of shining orbs that floated with aimless grace above her blonde-maned head. Nearby sat a pale-purple unicorn filly, who resembled her in that she both had the same mane and eye-color. She too was dipping a bubble wand into the pond of soap solution and mimicking the motions of the larger pony.

“Good one!” cried the Pegasus as she watched the filly make a larger bubble with her swirling eyes, “It’s shaped like a muffin!” Indeed it was, for quite a few of the bubbles they made were unlikely in shape. Ditzy had made a bubble in the shape of a prismatic triangle a few minutes earlier. The delighted smiles she and the filly bore suddenly faltered as a horrendously dark chuckle sounded off from the bushes. They turned around to see a wiry figure step out of the foliage, his unusual mouth in a broad grin. Dinky Doo, the filly, felt that there may have been something threatening about the newcomer, as he did not look at all pleasantly minded. Ditzy, however, merely gave him a friendly smile.

“Hey there, stranger!” she said innocently as she extended a hoof toward the tall, metallic-hued creature, “Welcome to Ponyville!” The creature’s smile grew wider as he grasped her hoof with his sinister fingers. The wall-eyed mare suddenly yelped in pain and jumped in the air. The creature laughed again, the countless pins in his cushion rattling with a faint jingle. Now Dinky was certain she did not like him.

“Wow,” Ditzy said as she tenderly rubbed her injured hoof, “You sure need a manicure. Do you want me to show you the spa?”

“Nope,” replied the creature as he produced a long pin from his cushion, eyeing the bubbles that floated about. He snickered as he thrust it into a cluster of the hovering objects. Ditzy’s smile fell as the bubble burst into droplets of soap.

“Hey,” she said with a frown, “Why’d you do that?”

“A friend of mine said I could,” the metal man said as he proceeded to pop several more bubbles out of the air. Ditzy’s frown grew in size.

“But…I made those…” The creature didn’t seem to care. He simply walked around her, his laugh growing in volume the more bubbles he popped. Dinky moved closer to the Pegasus as she watched the sharp needle jab through the air, her eyes wide with fear. Ditzy wrapped a foreleg around the filly as they shrank back from the metal man as he proceeded to pop every last one of the transparent balls of soap residue. A dull grayness began to take hold of the two equines, starting from the tips of their tails and gradually spreading across the rest of their bodies.

As the pair steadily grew more and more solemn, the Pincushion Man, by contrast, grew more joyous. At least until he ran out of bubbles to pop. Ditzy and Dinky were now entirely gray, their heads hung dejectedly, with their bubble wands laying beside them untouched. Realizing there was nothing left to pop, the Pincushion Man growled, and began to skulk off elsewhere.

It was a miracle itself in the fact that Trixie had been able to hear the bursting of balloons through the cacophony of yowling bushes and humming fish. It wasn’t so miraculous that she managed to hear a loud, grating laugh that surpassed everything else in volume. The very sound of the chaotic cackle sent a chill up her spine, and the mare’s constant sneer faded into a frightened grimace as her eyes looked around wildly for the source of the deep, dark voice. It was rather hard to find it as the world of Equestria had become nothing but colorful confusion. However, she didn’t need to search for long. The being from which the laughter emanated from came strolling through the backdrop of balloons, popping them with a variety of long, sharp pins.

Trixie’s fear subsided upon seeing him. She had witnessed a generous amount of disordered objects today, so the sight of a giant, walking pincushion didn’t affect her as it normally would. In fact, she found his overall appearance to be rather ridiculous. But she couldn’t help but feel a slight nervousness as he strolled up to her on his hooked feet and looked at her with his devious eyes.

“What have we here?” he mused as he adjusted the thimble on his head.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie,” came the curt reply. The giant pin grinned.

“Great and Powerful, huh?” he echoed, sounding a bit too derisive for Trixie’s taste. She narrowed her eyes threateningly at the metal being.

“Yes,” she announced snobbishly, “The Great and Powerful Trixie, the greatest mare in all of Equestria.” The Pincushion Man crossed his wiry arms.

“That so?”

“Of course,” said Trixie as she struck an intimidating pose, “I’m the mare who single-hoofedly defeated an Ursa Major and saved all of Hoofington from certain destruction. I’ve sent hordes of changelings fleeing with just my mere presence. I’m afraid of nothing! I…I…” Her voice died in her throat as he looked at the oversized pin that the Pincushion Man held pointed to her nose. Sweat began to drip down her forehead as she crossed her eyes to stare at its tip.

“What keeps a blimp in the air?” the Pincushion Man inquired.

“Hot air…?” squeaked the unicorn, unable to look away from the pointed object. The gigantic pin gave a sinister snicker.

“Yeah? Then what’s holdin’ you down?” He suddenly jabbed the metal spike towards her. Trixie jumped about three feet backwards, prompting a hearty laugh from the prickly creature.

“What’s the matter?” the metal man said with a villainous sneer, “Are you afraid of pins?” Trixie gulped loudly before replying.

"N-no…” This wasn’t technically a lie. Trixie wasn’t afraid of pins. She was terrified of needles. When she was a young filly, she had developed a bad ear infection and had to receive antibiotics via several large hypodermic needles. From that day onward she was mortified at the sight of anything that was needle-like. And unfortunately, pins bear a strong resemblance to needles. Suffice to say, she was very afraid of the pin now held in the metal claws of the Pincushion man. It was clear by the malevolent look on his face that he was aware of it.

“You sure you’re not afraid of pins?” said he, his mouth drawn into a terrifying smirk. Trixie’s shaking head was betrayed by her palled face and trembling knees. The unicorn suddenly donned a nervous grin as she pointed a hoof at something behind the metal creature.

“Hey, isn’t that Photo Finish?” she said, her voice cracking with each word. The Pincushion Man had no idea who Photo Finish was, nor did he care, as he was completely aware of the magician’s ruse. Even though he did not turn to look as Trixie hoped he would, the unicorn suddenly whirled around and bolted away. The prickly assortment of pins gave a round of wicked laughter as he gave chase after her.

Discord had secretly been watching from the labyrinth via a small wormhole he had created, the other side of which lay hidden in a bush near the scene of the crime. As of now, his mismatched teeth were exposed in a mirthful smile. Just as he had predicted, the alien was bringing about the most wonderful of chaos.

Wubs And Explosions

Wubs And Explosions

Trixie stumbled over a row of dancing pickles as she madly fled from the Pincushion Man. She looked over her shoulder to see the metal creature in hot pursuit, his wicked laugh resounding all over the skewed town. Somehow he managed to keep up despite the numerous distractions and obstacles that dogged Trixie’s path. The mare turned ahead with fearful eyes, knowing that sooner or later, he was going to catch her. She let out a squeak as a pin whizzed past her head, nearly embedding itself in her horn. Another followed, almost piercing her ear. The azure magician soon found herself dodging pins left and right, jumping, tumbling, and ducking in order to avoid being skewered.

“Help!” she cried as she leapt over a beetle the size of a tortoise, “Trixie requires assistance! Help!” Her only reply was the hideous laughter of the Pincushion Man, who continued to throw pins at the terrified mare. Balloons left and right of the unicorn burst as the projectiles missed their azure target. They only served to further frighten the unicorn, who involuntarily imagined herself being popped the moment one of the pins touched her. The thought of a pony popping like a balloon was rather ridiculous, but given the amount of ridiculousness Trixie had seen today, it didn’t seem too farfetched.

The magician suddenly slipped on a puddle of liquid soap and went sliding forward into a pile of dinner rolls. She quickly began struggling to get out, batting dozens of baked goods out of her way as she tried to pull herself free of the pile. The frantic unicorn suddenly froze as she heard the voice of the Pincushion Man.

“Now where’d she get to?” he growled angrily. Though frightened out of her mind, Trixie was sharp enough to recognize the opportunity. Rather than continue to fight her way out of the dinner rolls, she quietly sank down into the bottom of the pile, hoping the noise of her rapidly beating heart wouldn’t attract attention. She didn’t need to worry terribly so, for at that moment a louder and much more distracting noise filled the air.

Vinyl Scratch took a cheerful swig of her energy drink as she blasted a rampaging marshmallow monster with her signature ‘Bass Cannon’. The powerful sound waves struck the creature head on, and their intolerable frequencies resulted in its subsequent liquefaction. Several ponies cheered weakly from their hiding places amid the wreckage caused by the monster. Vinyl turned to address the refugees with a cool smile and a small bow.

“No need to thank me,” she said, “I’m just doing what any other pony would do if they had a Bass Cannon.” The blue-maned unicorn grabbed the oversize speaker by the handle and was about to find another out-of-control monster to annihilate when a loud, angry voice came from behind a small mountain of dinner rolls.

“Quit makin’ that racket!” it snarled.

“Hey man, if my music’s too loud, then you’re too old!” Vinyl retorted.

There was an angry bellow as the mysterious figure stepped into the unicorn’s line of view. Vinyl’s face went blank as she lowered her shades for a moment, just to confirm what she was seeing. Once she was certain, she cracked her usual crooked grin.

“Seriously?” she said, “A sewing monster? Because a marshmallow beast wasn’t whacked-out enough?” The creature’s odd face twisted into an enraged sneer.

“And what are you supposed to be?” he shot back, “A nearsighted mule?”

“Hey, don’t dis the shades,” Vinyl said as she adjusted her purple glasses, “And you’re one to talk. What’s up with your face? Your eyes are almost on top of your head.”

“Why, you little…!” the creature snarled furiously, “You’re gonna look like Swiss cheese by the time I’m through with you!” His threat was only met with laughter.

“Don’t you have to help some old biddy with her needlepoint or something?”

Her lack of seriousness only served to further irritate the creature, and he began marching toward her on his hooked feet, pulling a pin from his red cushion. The bespectacled DJ spotted the weapon and immediately turned her own to face him. He paused for a moment, shooting a questioning glare at the device. Vinyl merely smiled and slammed her hoof on the big red button.

“Taste wubs, pinhead!” she cried as the speaker fired a blast of mind shattering electronic music at the creature. The sheer force of each wub caused his body to vibrate like a strip of spring metal being shaken back and forth. Vinyl couldn’t help but chuckle as the Pincushion Man rattled and shook, all the while cursing her with his distorted voice. The DJ was about to take another sip of her drink when the air suddenly jumped with a sound like a bullet being fired. Vinyl seized up, spilling the vibrantly green liquid all over herself. Being a DJ who liked to pushing things to the limit, she knew that noise well. That malevolent electronic pop was the sound of a speaker blowing out.

In near panic, the unicorn peeked over the edge of her Bass Canon to confirm if her suspicions were true. She received quite a shock when she discovered a long, sinister pin had become embedded in the dead center of the machine’s speaker. The unicorn slid back as a loud crackling emanated from its inner-workings.

“Uh-oh…” she breathed.

“Hey Bonbon, look!” cried Lyra as she pointed a hoof at a massive explosion of blue energy a few blocks away. The earth pony sitting on the bench beside her followed her gesture to the blast, and both looked upon it in awe. This was the fifteenth explosion they had seen that morning.

“It’s a bit bigger than the last one, don't you think?" said Bonbon.

“Yup,” agreed Lyra, “In fact, I’d say it’s the biggest one we’ve seen so far.” The unicorn’s companion narrowed her eyes for a moment, and then shook her head.

“I don’t think so,” she said, “I think the biggest one was when that cart of watermelons exploded.” Lyra turned to the earth pony and raised an eyebrow.

“No way. This one’s, like, eighty feet higher.”

“True,” replied Bonbon, “But it’s not covering as wide as an area. The cart took out three buildings when it blew. This one appears to have only knocked down that stupid little peanut stand. Lrya’s eyes went wide as she heard this.

“The Nut Hut?!” she cried, “Aw man! I love the Nut Hut!”

Her lamentation of the loss of her favorite snack place was suddenly interrupted by a white unicorn who suddenly crashed down next to the bench. It wasn’t evident right away that her coat was white, as it had been blackened and grayed with soot. Neither was it obvious that her mane was blue, as it too had been discolored to a smoky gray. Lyra and Bonbon silently watched the equine groaned and shifted about, a lens falling out of her sunglasses.

“…Mosh Pit…” she coughed before passing out.

Trixie opened her eyes and uncovered her ears. She found that the explosion had cleared away her cover of dinner rolls, and they now lay strewn about the area haphazardly. The azure mare looked around, and found the area to be considerably more damaged than it had been before. She, on the other hand, had remained surprisingly unscathed. Best of all, she could see no sign of the Pincushion Man. A smile spread across her face as she slowly stood up and let out a sigh of relief.

It didn’t last long, however. Moments later her mouth dropped open, and her pupils shrank with fear. The cause of this was that she saw something emerge from a pile of broken boards. This something was tall, thin, made of metal, and very, very sharp.

“You!” came the gruff voice of the Pincushion Man as he kicked his hooked feet back and forth, freeing his legs of the wreckage. Trixie wasted no time in turning and sprinting away, the metal creature in hot pursuit.