"I must KILL Princess Twilight Sparkle!!"

by deadpansnarker

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Diamond Tiara, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Spoiled Rich
Length: 5478

After falling foul of Twilight's machinations in their last encounter, Spoiled Rich concocts what some may regard as a drastic plan to set things right. Dare you read on? I think you do.

After falling foul of Twilight's machinations in their last encounter, Spoiled Rich concocts what some may regard as a drastic plan to set things right. Dare you read on? I think you do.

A direct sequel to "I Wish To Register... A COMPLAINT!!" . Probably a good idea to read that first. Hey, just a suggestion.

Featured from 5-7 June 2024. Not as hard as it used to be, but proud nonetheless. ^^

Published 2024-06-05 16:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-06-05 16:50:01 UTC

The Game Is Ahoof.

Dismissed. Rejected. Publicity humiliated. This simply won’t do… no it won’t do, at all. I’ll show that ‘Princess Twilight Sparkle’ what’s-what, let me tell you. She’ll rue the day she crossed Mrs Rich for all of perpetuity, you’ll see. My secret mission can’t wait another second. I must fulfil this urgent task as soon as possible, for the good of my… ‘our’ family name. Just as soon as I’ve expertly applied another two layers of foundation, combed my mane so it’s gleaming shimmering shine just like the top Fillywood stars say it should be, squeezed into my favourite turquoise-frilled daygown…. uuuggghhh… funny, I can’t ever remember it ever being this tight around my withers…

Spoiled Rich disgruntledly threw the now half-ripped too-big-by-half frock onto her bedroom floor, and with great reluctance put on a far less auspicious ensemble consisting of a sunflower blouse with matching sleeves. In reality, it was a lovely piece of mid-range clothing that any other mare in Ponyville would’ve been happy to have in their wardrobe, but for the impossibly fussy matriarch of Rich mansion, this ‘peasant’ attire was so below her usual standards wearing it was akin to wandering outside in one’s dressing gown.

I suppose now I’m glad I didn’t insist Filthy throw this tawdry garment out with the rest of the garbage last week. This is all that damned fool Randolph’s fault… bringing me all those expensive chocolates on demand when he could’ve just said ‘no’… I bet I’ve put on a stone or two at least in the intervening period… soon, I’ll be wearing tablecloths and parachutes in lieu of my best clothes if I carry on piling on the pounds at my present rate! If I still had my job, I wouldn’t be so disposed to overeat through sheer depression… another reason for me to settle things up with Twilight ASAP. Get in, get out of the castle… nopony will suspect a thing. My plan is as flawless as you’d expect, my motivation is clear… now, have my husband and daughter left yet? Because if so, I can finally begin putting events in motion…

The hook-nosed harridan’s mental monologue continued unabated as she tip-hoofed down the stairs with great finesse (in her mind) and scanned the kitchen, drawing room and front hall for any sights or sounds that a single trace of her family may still remain. Finding none, a widened grin of pure malevolence found its way onto the devilish dame’s demeanour and she strode forward with great purpose to the basement door within was kept the required tools necessary to enact her dastardly scheme.

At last… at long last… I can finally put an end to this flagrant injustice once and for all. For weeks now, the events of that day have been burning a hole in the back of my brain… the tears, the embarrassment, the absolute agony of losing my position, respect and livelihood. All of that gut-wrenching misery will soon come to an end, because after weeks and weeks and weeks of painstaking preparation and hard work, my efforts have finally bore fruit. Mark my words, Miss High-And-Mighty-Twilight-Sparkle, for by the conclusion of this very day you’ll be dead… For I swear on my very life that tonight, somepony will be begging for mercy just before I… I-I…”

Spoiled Rich paused her determined soliloquy briefly as she flung open the basement door, her mind aflame with the full ramifications of the point of no return she was about to embark towards. They’d be no going back from here, no second chances, no do-overs if she got it all wrong. She’d have to make sure not a single stone was left unturned before she began, as if even the tiniest details were overlooked it could mean curtains for her. She’d already checked, double-checked, triple-checked everything… what could it hurt for one more thorough inspection before the fuse was lit? After all, it was absolutely essential that nothing could go awry, in her potentially messy, somewhat controversial, but undeniably necessary quest to…

“...Kill Princess Twilight Sparkle!!” Spoiled shouted those last four words aloud, as if she’d finally made peace with herself that this desperate measure was the only way to restore her former glory and a modicum of pride to her fractured ego. She accompanied this firmly vocalised commitment with the most malicious of laughs, tilting her head upwards and cackling as if simultaneously stirring a cauldron and stroking a black cat…

…Which probably isn’t a very good idea when you’ve forgotten to turn the lights on in a very dark cellar you’re about to enter, and the first step is somewhat further away than you expect.

“Ouch, Yowch. Ooyah.”

The ubiquitous Mrs Rich got up from the crumpled heap she’d been left in after impressively managing to connect a different part body part to each individual step on her unstoppable descent to the depths, removing a bicycle tyre which had somehow become rather attached to her curved proboscis en route and tossing it away like an oversized frisbee to the other side of the lower level room in anger.

Grr. Nothing broken at least, apart from this damned old tandem somepony thoughtlessly left here for me to entangle myself with. Still, as much as I’d love to stay in bed all day now rubbing ointment on my countless bruises and sticking band-aids liberally all around my battered body, I’m afraid I cannot. Duty calls, and I must heed the sound with all my might. Besides which, I’m not sure how much longer I can keep all my equipment down here without one of our interfering servants stumbling across it, and… “Oh, my aching back!”

Spoiled Rich very nearly swore for the first time in her cosseted life, but just stopped herself short as she wincingly picked herself up once more and staggered over to a large area in the corner of the basement. Flicking on the downstairs light, she threw a large blanket aside to marvel with glee at everything she’d accrued in the lead-up to The Big Moment that would surely lead to success without fear of failure.

It better, after everything I’ve been through to get this far… Spoiled narrowed her eyes with venom to show complete commitment to the cause, as she spat out a spare molar which had someone worked its way loose. Now to get all these things down to the Castle Of Friendship post haste, wait until she returns… and KABOOM! I’ll simply blow her away! Now, where did my ‘darling beloved betrothed’ put that spare wagon he often leaves behind on business trips? It’s got to be around here somewhere…

“I-I can’t believe I left my maths book at home, the day of the major annual test as well!” Diamond Tiara breathlessly galloped back to Rich Mansion as far as her stubby little pink hooves could carry her, tongue lolling out all the way. “W-Why Silver Spoon or anypony else didn’t lend me theirs, I don’t know. After I went through all that trouble of reforming, saving Pip’s job as Class President, building them that funtastic jungle gym in the play area… the least I should expect is for one of them to let me use their schoolbook temporarily, but I guess not. Honestly, talk about gratitude…” Hello, what’s going on here then?

What greeted the exhausted filly as she neared the giant edifice of her illustrious home was not quite what she expected. For there was her mother Spoiled Rich, who’d barely lifted a hoof in her entire life apart from to point accusatorily at her for imagined misdeeds (mostly related to not getting one over on those ‘cursed blank flanks’) loading a whole mountain load of mysterious items into an overstacked covered pushcart. The sweaty mare had just about finished throwing the last sack inside judging by her loud accompanying sigh of relief, and she leaned against the side of the vehicle for a brief rest after finally finishing her mammoth task.

I don’t know how I expected Mother to spend her days after being fired, but I don’t think it could’ve been any further than this. All thoughts of retrieving her missing advanced calculus forgotten, Diamond crept around the back of the wagon to try and get a closer look while Spoiled delicately dabbed the beads of sweat hanging from her brow with a perfumed hoofkerchief. What on Equestria is all this stuff? Where is she going to take it? And how did she get all bashed-up, in the short amount of time since I left her this morning…?

Without even needing to ask her mother, and in unexpectedly quick succession, the answers to all those questions came thick and fast (well, the first two at least… but let’s face it, the third one was of much less importance).

First, because Spoiled had tried to shove so many miscellaneous items inside a rickety old wagon which was clearly unfit for the purpose, it was almost inevitable that a few of its contents were going to find their way out onto the grass. I-Is that… a knife? And a barrel of gunpowder?!

Second, such was Mrs Rich’s apparent fanaticism with what she was about to accomplish, as soon as she’d recovered from her break she once moreraised her hoof to the skies, completely unaware of the skulking presence of her first born as she announced. “Just you wait, Twilight Sparkle! You’ll get what’s coming to you… in only an hour from now, prepare for the shock of your life! And your little dragon butler too! Oh, I hope he’s wearing a tie this time…”

What? Mother’s going to… I knew she had a temper, she can even be unspeakably cruel when she wants to be, b-but I never thought in a million years she was capable of… all manner of unmentionable possibilities began running through the panicky filly’s mind like wildfire… her mother being dragged kicking and screaming from Rich Mansion by the Royal Guard… a giant headline writ large in The Ponyville Gazette ‘GUILTY’ with a frowning picture of her mother underneath in her best striped prison regalia holding up her assigned number… and her father and her sitting outside in the pouring rain, busking for spare bits after all his businesses foreclosed. He’d be playing the harmonica, she’d be dancing for tips. After all, who’d want to do deals with relations of a mad mare responsible for regicide?

It was just too much to bear. Diamond ceased envisioning progressively worse speculative images about the near future before she had a complete nervous breakdown, before deciding what to do next. Talk to Mother? Don’t be silly, she never listens to you… and in her crazed state at present, you don’t know what she’s capable of. Try to vandalise her plan? Perhaps if I were braver, but if she sees me while I’m doing it… it’ll be all over for me, and then they’ll be nopony to stop her… Wait, I know! Why didn’t I think of this before? I’ll go get help: Daddy will be on the train by now so that’s no good, I’ll have to think of somepony else. Whoever I do fetch though, I’ll have to make sure I’m fast; by the look on her face and the amount of stuff she’s brought along I don’t think she’s kidding around. I’ll just wait ‘til she’s gone aways, then I’ll make a break for it. I know sometimes I complain Ponyville can be a bit boring on a school morning, but after this experience I’ll quite happily sit at my desk counting the cracks on the wall all lesson thank you very much!

And so it was, that as Spoiled unerringly pushed the cart forward with more strength than you might expect from somepony far more used to reclining in the lap of luxury than any serious arduous work, her daughter ran back into town with even greater fervour to locate willing and able assistance to somehow conclude this precarious situation before things escalated way out of control.

How will it all end? Well, there’s only one way to find out…

What? Put that crystal ball down this minute, and pay attention to me you impatient git!

I clearly meant ‘keep reading’. Honestly, kids these days…

“Spike, I told you. The answer is ‘no’. N. O. Surely even somecreature who doesn’t see the benefits of reading as much as I do can understand that?”

“Oh, please Twilight, please… it’ll only be a few dragons, and I promise to extinguish any accidental blazes promptly if things get outta hoof.”

“Be that as it may, I think holding a party for even half-a-dozen or so drakes and dragonesses in the Castle Of Friendship is a terrible idea. The kind of mess they could make, the destruction they can wrought… plus, wasn’t it not-so-long ago that they bullied you just because you were a bit different?”

“Y-Yeah, but that was before I met Ember, and discovered not every creature was like Garble and his gang. Now, I’ve made some friends over in the Dragonlands, and want to invite a few of them along to show them that pony and dragon culture aren’t so different, once you compare them. I swear I’ll keep them all in line while they’re around; you won’t even notice they’re here!”

“I doubt that very much, but seeing as you have your heart set on it, maybe you can have an outside gathering instead? I can put up a tent made from special fireproof canvas, there'll be much less chance of a cataclysmic inferno, and… wait a second. Spike, did you leave the door unlocked?”

“What are you talking about, Twilight? Tents don’t have doors(!)”

“Spike, this is no time for kidding around! The front entrance to the Castle Of Friendship is wide open, and as far as my recollection goes we shut it up tight before we left to get our yearly ration of Zap Apples this morning. Something’s wrong here… I better move forward with extra caution. I’ll go first, and you take up the rear…”

“E-Erm Twilight, are you sure about this? Can’t I sit this one out for a change… hey, I’ve just had a great idea! Why don’t I go assemble the rest of the girls, and you can all head indoors together to face whatever terrifying terror lurks inside, while I stay here and ‘keep guard’, maybe help myself to a few tasty, crunchy apples while I’m waiting?”

“Nice try Spike, but you’re not getting out of this that easily. I don’t want to bother any of my friends during their working day needlessly, and besides I detect no powerful magical threat within a fifty mile radius. Whatever it is in there, I don’t think it’s any danger to us.”

“Y-You can do that?! Why am I just hearing about this now… okay Twi, if you say so. It’s still not going to stop me chewing on my claws until we discover who/what it is, but I’ll follow you to the ends of Equestria and back. Even if it may cost me my very life, soul and eternal draconic spirit, all at once.”

“Attaboy Spike, I knew I could count on you.”

“...That was supposed to be the part where you burst into tears and changed your mind. Didn’t work though, did it?”

“Nope. Guess I know you and your tricks too well by now. Anyway, onward!”

“...Yes, Twilight.” Wish I hadn’t spent all my bits on those half-price misshapen gems now. The acting lessons I saw being advertised in town would sure have come in handy…

“There was no light anywhere… not even a flicker… the two intrepid explorers, both completely different species yet friends to the end ventured forward regardless… as their twin fates hung in the balance… there was no way of knowing what danger lay ahead… could it be a giant monster, smacking its bloated lips at the thought of devouring them whole? Or could it be an evil creature from another realm altogether, impervious to alicorn magic and dragon fire? Only time would tell… one thing’s for sure though… if only the taller equine of the daring duo had listened to her shorter yet smarter reptilian companion, they might still be alive this very day…”

“Spike, I appreciate the unrequested narration, but this is hardly a Daring-Do adventure, and you’re no A.K Yearling! Could you please… let me concentrate? I think I hear something just ahead. It’s… very faint. It’s coming from… the Map Room… I think?”

Twilight strained her ears to their limits as she unhesitatingly strode forward, while a not-at-all confident Spike kept as safe a distance as he could behind, short of running screaming for the exit that is. Both occupants glanced at each other nervously as they reached the alleged origin of the disturbance, before the Princess herself took in a deep breath to jump right in to confront whosoever had dared to trespass in her home while they were away for a few minutes.

Well, more like half-an-hour really. It’d been a particularly good crop at Applejack’s that year, so everypony was getting bonuses. Took them (rather, Spike) longer to carry all the produce back, you see?

Anyway, as Twilight’s horn lit up the oppressive gloom surrounding it, and her dragon friend shivered nervously close by, a somewhat familiar yet unmistakable silhouette could be seen for just a split-second reflected in the crystalline wall structure…

Before the light abruptly went out. Without coming back on again.

“Surprise!!” BANG

“D-Diamond Tiara… wait up! Are ya sure ‘bout this? I mean, your mum can be a lil screwy sometimes, but surely even she wouldn’t try a stunt like…”

“I don’t know, Apple Bloom… I just don’t know. I gave up trying to guess her state of mind years ago. I can only go by what I saw fall from the back of that wagon and what she said when she thought nopony else was listening. Would you want to take any chances, in my horseshoes?”

“... I kind of see your point Diamond, but why come to us? Surely my sister, or one of the other grown-ups are a better choice, if your mother really is planning what you suspect. What do you think we’ll be able to do?”

“I-I have no idea, Sweetie Belle… I just panicked, I guess. You three helped me so much in discovering the secret of my Cutie Mark, I suppose you were the first ones that sprung to mind. Maybe it’s for the best though; the less adults we involve, the better. Perhaps, if we can somehow stop her before does what she’s planning, nopony else has to know and I won’t have to merrily jig in the street every day just to make ends meet…”

“...Okay Diamond, now you’ve lost me. The only thing I know for certain is that we’re all going to get detention for being tardy today, which is a fine start to our Crusader careers! N-Not that it really bothers me, but I thought you all should… hang on, where’s that smoke coming from? And did you hear what sounded like a loud explosion?”

Scootaloo pointed upwards with a curious hoof at a plume of grey vapour that was amassing above a certain well-known building nearby, and the other three fillies screeched to a halt to join her.

“T-That’s…” Apple Bloom gulped.

“T-Twilight’s…” Sweetie Belle stammered.

“C-Castle.” Scootaloo finished off the short sentence, her hoof still dangled aloft like it was stuck to the sky itself.

“What did I tell you?! Come on, let's go!!” Having convinced the other fillies present now that trouble was indeed ahoof and firmly establishing herself as leader, Diamond took off into the distance, closely pursued by her new friends the Cutie Mark Crusaders, hoping against hope that they weren’t too late…

To stop Spoiled, that is. School was already a foregone conclusion.

It certainly was a ‘surprise’ when Twilight lit up her horn once more and she and Spike saw that infamous mare again who’d been so rude to both of them a few weeks ago. Not exactly a pleasant one, either.

This time however, their unexpected reunion was under even more unusual circumstances. For, rather than an animated conversation outside the castle itself, Spoiled had felt the need to go inside to make her point…

…And for some reason, had surrounded herself with a maelstrom of fog. For what ends Twilight did not know, but if it was part of a bizarre ritual for transforming into a creature of the night… it was hard to imagine a more terrifying beast than Spoiled was already.

“Oh dear… COUGH COUGH… the fireworks didn’t go exactly as planned… WHEEEZEEE… time for the back-up plan…”

Twilight had handily conjured a ventilated shield to protect herself from the harmful effects of smoke inhalation (Spike wasn’t affected, of course) and the two of them shrugged their shoulders at each other in confusion, as without further ado Spoiled pulled back a giant tarpaulin to reveal the second part of her masterplan…

…What can only be described as the biggest heap of manure either had ever seen. Even the absent Applejack would probably have agreed, and it even had the requisite flies buzzing around it and worms poking out and everything.

“Now, who wants a slice of my delicious homemade cake?” Spoiled asked with a patently forced smile on her face, whilst looking around for something she’d lost (not her marbles, funnily enough). “Where did I put that stupid knife? Without it I can’t even cut the portions properly…”

“...E-Er, I’m good, thanks.” One look at this abomination of baking was enough for Spike to rush upstairs to have a close encounter with a soon-to-be-full bucket. If the smoke wasn’t going to get to him, the disgusting dessert certainly was. “Y-You carry on Twi, you’ve always had much more of a sweet tooth than me. URP.”

Well, thank you Spike. ‘Always there when I need you’ indeed. ‘Bravest dragon in the world’ of course. Why did they build a statue of you again? Until my dying day, I’ll never understand…

“Huh. What a shame. I was going to offer that tiny reptilian butler first piece, but he obviously had a prior engagement. By the way, wasn’t he more purple the last time I ran into him? He seems to be a distinct shade of green now…”

“Mrs Rich…” Twilight tried to sound as cordial as possible, even though she was currently straining every sinew to avoid sending a second pony to the moon in the space of about a thousand years. “Would you be so kind as to tell me what this is all in aid of? First, you break into my castle with the intention of committing major arson…”

“Y-You’ve got it all wrong, Princess. I could never… those were supposed to be fireworks, but I must not have read the back of the packet properly. No, that can’t be it; they must have printed them wrong. Probably in another language, one far inferior to Ponyish.” Spoiled scowled in frustration, believing with all her heart that she couldn’t possibly be the one to blame here. As per usual.

“Even if you had, I don’t believe fireworks are meant to be let off indoors. Not that I’ve had much experience in that area, but anyway...” Twilight moved swiftly on, whilst opening up a few windows and doors via her magic to let the encroaching smoke waft away of its own accord. “Next, can you inform me of why you’ve decided to deposit what looks like five thousand pounds worth of prime compost in the midst of my magic table? Surely the palace garden would’ve been a far more suitable locale…”

“C-Compost? B-But… this was supposed to be Manehattan Mud Pie. I was so proud of this carefully calibrated confectionary concoction, it’s the first thing I ever made all by myself. Maybe I should’ve put more mud in it…”

“Pardon me for questioning your baking credentials, but would perhaps chocolate have been a better ingredient than wet soil? I mean, I don’t think it’d take Pinkie to tell you that the addition of soaking muck to sugar and eggs does not sound like the epitome of appetising.”

“W-What? Now that you mention it… I did think it was a bit odd when I was about to put it in the oven and the subsequent smell that emerged. Those damn idiots at The Friendly Filly Recipe Company; they’re as useless as the fireworks ponies! As soon as I get home, I’ll be firing off letters of complaint to both of them, you just see if I don’t! Ruining my chance at impressing you like this! I-I’ve spent so long planning this very moment in my head… t-this isn’t how I thought it’d go at all…”

Great, now she’s on the verge of tears. Even I’m starting to feel a bit sorry for her… and I’m the one with a castle full of smoke, a huge heap of excrement in her Map Room and a queasy dragon projectile vomiting upstairs! “ ‘Impress’ you say? For what end, might I enquire?”

At this point, all of Spoiled’s latent desperation, dedication and depression came to the fore, and she quite unexpectedly lurched forward to bow repeatedly to a bewildered Twilight in the most shameless and obsequious way you can possibly imagine.

“Please let me have my old job back! Please, please, please! I promise I’ll be good from now on! I’ll give all the staff pay rises! I’ll be nice to all the blank-flanks! I’ll even start attending parents' evenings! Please, I have nothing to do with my day now apart from to go to the spa, go shopping then wait for Filthy to return home to shout at… and that’s boring. I-I don’t know what else I do to convince you… I’m at my wits end… say yes, please say yes Princess Twilight Sparkle, and I’ll be in your debt as your humble servant forever…”

Well, this turn of events was definitely… unexpected.

But at least it helped explain a few things.

Namely, Spoiled’s plan to ‘kill’ Twilight… with kindness.

When she said Twilight would be ‘dead’... dead impressed.

The pony she mentioned ‘begging for mercy’? That was Spoiled herself, as we just unfortunately witnessed.

And the ‘blow her away’ part? You can figure that out for yourself. Don’t take things so literally.

Having as firm a grasp as she was ever likely to have on proceedings, Twilight trotted over to Spoiled to place a not unsympathetic hoof on the sobbing pony’s back, while attempting to maintain as authoritative a tone as possible.

“Mrs Rich, I already answered the more than a hundred letters you’ve sent me on this very topic. There is no way I’ll ever allow you to work with vulnerable fillies or colts again, not until you have at least completed the dozen or so courses in child development, management and empathy to my satisfaction… and even then, I’ll have to notice a marked improvement in your overall behaviour, including to your husband & daughter, before I can even think about it.”

“I-I know what you told me, but it sounded too difficult, so I thought if I just made this single grand gesture, it might be enough to change your mind all at once so I wouldn’t have to go through all that… pointless bureaucracy and red tape.”

“Sorry to be the bearer of bad news Mrs Rich, but… you do. And what you regard as ‘pointless bureaucracy and red tape’ I regard as fundamentals to the job. I do appreciate you making the effort to be ‘nicer’ to somepony else for a change, even if it was for your own benefit as usual. Maybe when you start learning to take some responsibility for your own mistakes, then I'll think you're finally making some progress. For now though, if it’s not too much trouble… you could help us clear up a bit in here, before you head home?”

“Yes, yes of course. And naturally, my husband will pay for any damages…”

“Hmm, what was that, Mrs Rich?”

“...Of course I meant I would. I suppose I could spare a bit of the nest egg I set aside for my own personal use, away from Filthy’s nosy administrations. I was going to treat myself to an all-expenses trip to Las Pegasus you know, let my mane down a bit…”

“I think you can cancel that vacation Mrs Rich, as I’ll be taking all that money off your hooves. And if I may be so bold, maybe you can start calling your husband ‘Filthy Rich’ from now on? Maybe you won’t listen to him when he constantly asks you not to refer to him as ‘Filthy’, but I’m sure you’ll pay attention to me.”

“Y-Yes, of course.”

“...And the same applies to that awful ‘Blank Flank’ slur. If your daughter can learn not to use it, so can you.”

“W-Whatever you say, Princess. Now, where do you want me to start?”

“Scrubbing the ashes and mud off the table would be good. Also, mopping the floor after you take that mess outside wouldn’t go amiss either. Then, you can properly fumigate the premises… clean the walls… then, join me and Spike for slices of Zap Apple and a cup of coffee, which you’ll be making of course… he will be glad for the time off, let me tell you… by the way, how did you even get in? I thought I’d left the castle magically protected while I was gone.”

“Hmm? Oh, somepony left a key under the mat. I thought it was a bit strange at first, but I wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.”

Somepony? Somedragon more like it. “...Anyway, you get started on the big clean-up operation, and I’ll be down in a minute to supervise just as soon as I’ve finished taking care of some business upstairs… oh Spike. Can I have a word with you about the security arrangements around here?”

“I-I can only hope we’re in time to stop…” Diamond Tiara breathlessly burst into the castle, the Crusaders close on her tail. Lying in wait was possibly an even bigger surprise than an earth mare leaning over the corpse of an almighty alicorn. “W-What t-the…”

“Hi, darling. How did you know I was here?” Spoiled Rich greeted her daughter from the Map Room, scrubbing the table with all her might to remove the rather unsavoury combined residue of gunpowder and manure. “I’m just doing some work for dear Princess Twilight.”

“Yes, she’s just doing some work for me. Now, Spike... you have to be more careful in the future. Anypony could've just strolled in... Queen Chrysalis, Tirek, a super-powerful unicorn with a grudge...” An indisputably alive and well Princess Twilight Sparkle could be heard from upstairs yelling down to the gobsmacked foursome, before returning to remonstrate with a still-heaving Spike about the proper procedure for leaving the castle unattended.

“M-Mrs Rich…” Scootaloo thought she was hallucinating .

“D-Doing manual labour…” Sweetie Belle even tried pinching herself. Ow.

“W-Why is the room spinnin'…?” Apple Bloom felt a bit odd, and no… it wasn’t because of the smoke.

“It's always nice to see you during the day… but shouldn’t you be at school? If you’ve got the time off, maybe you can help Mummy with a few chores around here. In return, I promise not to yell at you from now on, and I’ll even allow you to have your blan…, um, ‘friends’ over for dinner. You see, Mummy’s trying to turn over a leaf now… what do you think about that Diamond? Diamond?!”

Noticing that her daughter and her three new chums had fainted dead away, Spoiled rolled her eyes with a sigh, before returning once more to polish the table with aplomb.

“Typical… just when I need her the most, she decides to take an impromptu nap on the floor. Ah well, I’ll leave them where they are for the time being, but as soon as I start mopping, I’m afraid they’re going to have to move. Anyway, back to work… ‘if I was a rich mare… lalalalala…’ ”

Author's Note

One of the longest one-shots I've written for quite some time, hope it was worth it.

And yes, I decided to cut Spoiled a bit of a break this time, only because dumping on someone over and over again in writing gets kinda boring after a while. Hey... even she could be capable of change... right? RIGHT?! :derpyderp2:

Anyway, hope you enjoyed this, and I look forward to reading your in-depth feedback. Bye for now! :twistnerd: