How to Write About an Alien Horse Person
"My sister! It is that time of the year! We must prepare the yearly reports to the district's head office on each student's status and progress. And I have put off the most difficult student for last."
"Ah. Sunset Shimmer?"
"That very student. What do you think we should write about her? Is her progress satisfactory, excellent, or...'needs improvement?'"
"Well. Um. She's always been...a complicated case, shall we say?"
"Speak frankly to me, sister. Sunset Shimmer is well into her twenties, and she is a high school student. Still a high school student! What does that say about her? About US? About Canterlot High? About society?"
"It isn't her fault. Until Sunset Shimmer arrived in Canterlot at the age of twenty-five, she had never attended school. No school anywhere has any prior records of her. So we can mark her as...in remedial education. Remedial education status lets Canterlot High receive funding for her until...at LEAST another year from now."
"Ahem. But what do we write on the FREEFORM section of her status and progress report? You know the district will just kick the report back to us if we don't write SOMETHING. We need at least a couple hundred words."
"Let's just write the truth. As we do for most students."
"Fine. Shall I write: Sunset is a horse girl from another dimension?"
"Ok, probably not THAT. We should write something a LITTLE more believable, just in case someone at the district office reads what we write."
"Well then...how about this? Sunset Shimmer is doing pretty well, considering that she never learned to walk on two legs until less than four years ago."
"I...suppose that's accurate. Technically accurate. I mean, you could write that. It wouldn't be a lie."
"Also, she is doing so well in language arts! English is a foreign language class for her. She grew up speaking something called 'Ponish.'"
"She DID find English confusing at first. The first time we saw someone tell Sunset to 'talk to the hand,' all she could think of to do was stare at the hand, and wonder if that's where our real ears are hidden."
"Do you think I should write that?"
"I'm honestly not sure. At least she hasn't done that LATELY. But here's something you REALLY shouldn't write. Sunset's first day at school, she saw a car with a really pretty candy apple red paint job, and she tried to bite it."
"Sadly, I was there. I was the person who had to stop her. I still have a scar on my wrist from her teeth."
"I recall we had a hard time breaking her of the habit of trying to eat the lawn for lunch...AND for dinner."
"Should we write that for DAYS she kept running at the school's mascot statue and just RAMMING her head into it? Or is that too much?"
"I think that's probably too much. What if the school is held liable for all that brain damage?"
"Good point. Let us leave that bit off the report."
"But even so, before Sunset I'd never seen a first year with so many self-induced concussions. Usually that doesn't happen until junior or senior year, when a student becomes eligible to join varsity football and rugby."
"I HAVE seen a student make a tinfoil hat 'to keep the mind control rays out' before. But never had I seen a student make a tinfoil cone for just the VERY top of her head, to, I quote: 'SEND the mind control rays, you hornless peasants, into those foolish, ignorant, conceited, bossy teachers' heads, let me out of class early you churls.'"
"For her first week, she couldn't write at all. Instead, she just kept trying to levitate her pencil WITH HER MIND."
"Her second semester, during a field trip to a horse farm, she praised our society for 'cutting off those pegasus featherbrains' wings, and showing them they really ARE NOT above it all, ha ha.' The 'ha ha' is a direct quote."
"I wonder what kind of misunderstanding led to that remark. And cutting off wings? What kind of place does she COME from, anyway?"
"Cheerilee told me, wherever Sunset came from they must have had Harry Potter books, because she kept asking how to sign up for 'human style magic class' and where to get the supplies."
"When we told Sunset we don't live in a palace, just a cottage, Sunset laughed and laughed and laughed. At us."
"But more recently, Sunset has gotten better at not ridiculing us for our...lack of privilege."
"True. Ever since she finally improved her social skills these last few months by making some friends, she's stopped making fun of you and I for not being ten feet tall. And for not being able to fly, or shoot lightning bolts from our foreheads."
"That IS progress."
"It is. So...do you think you have enough?"
"Yes, sister. Improved motor skills...improved general language skills...excellent progress in learning a foreign language...I prefer to leave out some of the rest, but you know I can pad out what we have. I have always been skillful at finding ways to be wordy, if I must."
"Yes! I don't think you've spoken a single contraction this whole conversation."
"Or, more importantly, written one."
"So is that two hundred words of material?"
"I think it is. Give me two minutes to finish writing the report. Then we can turn off the lights, lock up, and go home."
"Friday night Buffy binge?"
"Friday night Buffy binge it is."
~~***~~
"Superintendent Neighsay, the student status reports just arrived from Canterlot High School."
"Thank you, Mrs. Inkwell. Please enter the district funding eligibility data into the computer."
"Already done, sir. Should I do anything else?"
"Hmm. One thing. Pick out a few of the reports at random, to read the freeform portion and make sure it looks ok."
"The freeform written qualitative section?"
"Mmm-hmm. That part."
"Yes, sir.
"'We are so proud of Sunset Shimmer! She has made such amazing progress in her three and a half years so far at Canterlot High School. In such a short time, she has largely overcome an EXTREMELY disadvantaged background, with no documented prior schooling. While studying here at Canterlot, Sunset has learned how to properly speak, read and write English; to write and solve mathematical problems by hand; and so much about other subjects such as astronomy. It may seem hard to believe, but on the first day of her general science class, she honestly believed the sun and moon both revolved around the earth.'"
"Ahem. DOESN'T the moon orbit around the earth?"
"I'm still reading. 'Coming from a situation of extreme poverty, Sunset has also benefited from Canterlot's expanded school nutrition program. Before we helped her, she was literally desperate enough to eat grass and weeds. Speaking of which, this seems like an opportune time to remind you of my sister's request for additional nutrition funding.'"
"Heh. Pushy broads, aren't they."
"Sir?"
"Never mind. They do it out of love, I'm sure."
"'In the last few months, Sunset Shimmer has learned useful vocational skills, especially masonry. She has been applying her new skills to volunteer in the community and help others.'"
"I wonder whether the district's insurance covers this kind of 'volunteering in the community,' or if we might have serious liability issues."
"No idea, sir. 'Sunset's social skills have also improved immeasurably. During the current semester, she has made more friends and learned to be a genuinely nicer person. This soothes my earlier worries about what sort of young woman she might be after graduation, and about her general prospects in life.'"
"Is that all?"
"That's all, sir."
"Ahem. Pick another sample report, and see if it's as good as that last one."
"Yes, sir. 'Pinkie Pie lifts the hearts and spirits of all who know her, whether they want her to or not...'"
